he sleeps there. i sleep here. sex?
August 11, 2009 7:46 PM Subscribe
couples sleeping in separate bedrooms: how do you maintain intimacy?
the beloved and i sleep in separate bedrooms these days because of his snoring and my insomnia. we tried sleeping together for six months, but earplugs hurt my ears, the white noise machines and fans didn't drown out the noise, lying awake listening to the snoring stressed me out, turning on the light to read would wake him up, my poking him to roll over to minimze the snoring would wake him up....neither of us was getting good sleep and as a result those were the unhappiest six months of our lives.
he's now seeking treatment for his snoring, which i hope will bring us back together again, but the specialists have such a long wait time for appointments that we expect to be sleeping separately for a few more months at least.
although we are both much happier and healthier when we are well rested from sleeping in separate rooms, i have to say that our intimacy has plummeted. sex, for sure, but also just the touching and cuddling and other lovely things that a relationship has to offer. we try to snuggle a bit on the sofa and hold hands and stuff like that, but you know, i'm just feeling like we're out of touch with our bodies, and while i know it's not a disaster--our relationship is strong because we are not grumpy and short-tempered from sleep deprivation--i miss it. sex used to be something we did spontaneously, while lying together in bed, after all our rambunctious dogs (not unlike small children) were settled for the night. scheduling sex feels weird and unsatisfying, and our lives are so busy we almost never have that trifecta of afternoon opportunity and mutual desire. so what have you learned? how do i get over the weirdness of scheduling sex with my mate, if that's what needs to be done?
all thoughts and suggestions appreciated. thanks!
the beloved and i sleep in separate bedrooms these days because of his snoring and my insomnia. we tried sleeping together for six months, but earplugs hurt my ears, the white noise machines and fans didn't drown out the noise, lying awake listening to the snoring stressed me out, turning on the light to read would wake him up, my poking him to roll over to minimze the snoring would wake him up....neither of us was getting good sleep and as a result those were the unhappiest six months of our lives.
he's now seeking treatment for his snoring, which i hope will bring us back together again, but the specialists have such a long wait time for appointments that we expect to be sleeping separately for a few more months at least.
although we are both much happier and healthier when we are well rested from sleeping in separate rooms, i have to say that our intimacy has plummeted. sex, for sure, but also just the touching and cuddling and other lovely things that a relationship has to offer. we try to snuggle a bit on the sofa and hold hands and stuff like that, but you know, i'm just feeling like we're out of touch with our bodies, and while i know it's not a disaster--our relationship is strong because we are not grumpy and short-tempered from sleep deprivation--i miss it. sex used to be something we did spontaneously, while lying together in bed, after all our rambunctious dogs (not unlike small children) were settled for the night. scheduling sex feels weird and unsatisfying, and our lives are so busy we almost never have that trifecta of afternoon opportunity and mutual desire. so what have you learned? how do i get over the weirdness of scheduling sex with my mate, if that's what needs to be done?
all thoughts and suggestions appreciated. thanks!
Lie down in the bed with him until the point where you would normally roll over and retreat into personal sleepy tiem. But instead of closing your eyes, get up and go to your room.
posted by amethysts at 8:01 PM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by amethysts at 8:01 PM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
Why not start out in his bedroom? Then once he starts snoring, find your own haven of rest.
My husband has sleep apnea-thankfully, once he got his cpap machine life got much better. But till then I know exactly what you are talking about. I spent many a night on the couch, or else he'd fall asleep on the couch and I'd leave him there in selfdefence. Hopefully your spouse will get an appointment sooner rather than later!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:02 PM on August 11, 2009
My husband has sleep apnea-thankfully, once he got his cpap machine life got much better. But till then I know exactly what you are talking about. I spent many a night on the couch, or else he'd fall asleep on the couch and I'd leave him there in selfdefence. Hopefully your spouse will get an appointment sooner rather than later!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:02 PM on August 11, 2009
Just because you temporarily are sleeping in different bedrooms doesn't mean you have to start out the night going to bed in different bedrooms. Could you both start off the night in the same room - whatever happens, happens - and when it's time to drift off, whoever is relegated to auxiliary quarters can head over to that bed?
posted by contessa at 8:02 PM on August 11, 2009
posted by contessa at 8:02 PM on August 11, 2009
Do you both go to bed at the same time? Take turns cuddling in each other's bed for a while every night. I went through this same exact thing with my husband, and making cuddle time worked out fine. His snoring was so loud that I would lie in bed and cry from the frustration and lack of sleep - why do light sleepers and ones that a bomb couldn't wake up always seem to end up together?
By the way, I bought my husband one of these and his snoring completely stopped. We're in the same bed again. I really recommend it as a hold over until his appointment.
posted by iconomy at 8:03 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
By the way, I bought my husband one of these and his snoring completely stopped. We're in the same bed again. I really recommend it as a hold over until his appointment.
posted by iconomy at 8:03 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Reminds me of the old days with girls in college--tiny extra long beds. One of us would go to the other's place, cuddle, canoodle and then kiss goodnight. It was very sweet.
I think it would make the most sense for you to put him to bed (you being the insomniac) and then you depart, knowing that dear hubby is safely tucked away. If you like, you may canoodle beforehand; you officially have my permission to add that to the routine. Also, why are you not having spontaneous sex on the couch/in the kitchen/on the washing machine? Sex is not just for bedtime.
Good luck to you and hubby with the snoring treatment.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:06 PM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think it would make the most sense for you to put him to bed (you being the insomniac) and then you depart, knowing that dear hubby is safely tucked away. If you like, you may canoodle beforehand; you officially have my permission to add that to the routine. Also, why are you not having spontaneous sex on the couch/in the kitchen/on the washing machine? Sex is not just for bedtime.
Good luck to you and hubby with the snoring treatment.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:06 PM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]
You do it by sleeping in separate rooms. And that's all. The rest is done like it was before (i.e. in one bed) even up to one of you falling asleep before the other leaves or you getting back into bed together in the morning if that's what you're used to and what it takes to keep the intimacy. You can keep totally separate rooms or just have a extra bed somewhere, whatever you're comfortable with. Sure it's a pain having to get up and go to a different room before you fall asleep but nothing like the pain of trying to sleep with a snorer and when you're asleep you're unconscious anyway, it doesn't matter if you're alone.
We've maintained separate bedrooms for our whole 15 year (so far) relationship and we have a close, loving, intimate, snuggly relationship with that small added annoyance that I get to warm up a cold bed twice in a row in winter if I forget to turn on my electric blanket before I go into his room to say goodnight (although to be fair we take turns with that). Training the cats to go wake him up at 6 am and leave me alone makes up for everything.
posted by shelleycat at 8:17 PM on August 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
We've maintained separate bedrooms for our whole 15 year (so far) relationship and we have a close, loving, intimate, snuggly relationship with that small added annoyance that I get to warm up a cold bed twice in a row in winter if I forget to turn on my electric blanket before I go into his room to say goodnight (although to be fair we take turns with that). Training the cats to go wake him up at 6 am and leave me alone makes up for everything.
posted by shelleycat at 8:17 PM on August 11, 2009 [3 favorites]
Yeah, just go to bed with him and snuggle and as he or you start to drift off, go back to your room and get some sleep. If you have to, schedule that bedtime, so that at say, 8pm, ya'll head to bed with the idea that there's about an hour (or whatever) of snuggle/hang up time in bed together, before separating to your individual chambers.
This also works for the mornings. Somebody get up 15 minutes or so earlier and then head to the other's bed for an early morning snuggle. This works great for the weekends too, when nobody has to be anywhere early in the morning, so there's plenty of time to doze, snuggle and hubba hubba. Afternoon naps can on the weekend could also be nice.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:22 PM on August 11, 2009
This also works for the mornings. Somebody get up 15 minutes or so earlier and then head to the other's bed for an early morning snuggle. This works great for the weekends too, when nobody has to be anywhere early in the morning, so there's plenty of time to doze, snuggle and hubba hubba. Afternoon naps can on the weekend could also be nice.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:22 PM on August 11, 2009
you don't say how long you've been sleeping in separate rooms, but perhaps this will give you some hope. the mister and i rarely sleep in the same room during the summer (mainly because the bedroom stays hot and humid-like and i, the delicate flower that i am, like the cool first-level couch and i have a touch of insomnia). after a couple weeks of adjusting to not sleeping next to each other and getting regular sleep, the desire to canoodle skyrockets. i suggest you give it some time to get used to the situation.
posted by ms.jones at 8:23 PM on August 11, 2009
posted by ms.jones at 8:23 PM on August 11, 2009
Spontaneity isn't solely for the bedroom. Why not surprise him in the shower one day?
posted by nulledge at 8:23 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by nulledge at 8:23 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
we didnt sleep in separate rooms intentionally, but he'd often go to the couch in the middle of the night because my snoring was so bad. I got a CPAP machine and now i don't snore, so he can sleep in the same bed all night, but once I put the mask on, there is no more intimacy. I can't face him because it vents out the front so air would blow in his face. he can't kiss me for obvious reasons. so you're still going to be in virtually the same situation, only in the same bed. i just wanted you to be aware of what to expect.
(he absolutely definitely should get a sleep study though - there are very serious health risks associated with sleep apnea. and if he gets a CPAP, he should use it. I don't know what's up with the "long wait" - I'm in the Chicago area and I got into a sleep clinic within a few days. Call around.)
posted by desjardins at 9:16 PM on August 11, 2009
(he absolutely definitely should get a sleep study though - there are very serious health risks associated with sleep apnea. and if he gets a CPAP, he should use it. I don't know what's up with the "long wait" - I'm in the Chicago area and I got into a sleep clinic within a few days. Call around.)
posted by desjardins at 9:16 PM on August 11, 2009
My bf and I usually sleep in separate beds, due to an elaborate (and exhausting) combination of having pretty different sleep cycles, the fact that he works nights on the weekends, he snores/I'm noise-sensitive, and we both like spooning as we fall asleep, but we then tend to sprawl like a pair of starfish once we've drifted off. (We do OK in king size beds, but until we move to a house with a decent-sized master bedroom, we're stuck with the queen size.)
Anyway, if it's a non-work night for him, we always always always spend time before I go to sleep (I'm always the one who goes to sleep first) where we hang out in bed snuggling and drifting off. Then once I'm asleep, or at least half-asleep, he'll sneak out and (usually) stay up for another couple of hours, then go to sleep in the spare room.
Weekend mornings, he sleeps in late (since he works till 4 a.m.). I'll usually sneak in around noonish or so and get into bed with him, so we can have the morning snuggles.
As for more intimate intimacy, we're just conscious of not always relying on "bedtime" to equal "sexytime" -- that is, we consciously make time for sex earlier in the evening when I get home from work, or during the day on the weekends. Sometimes that means just remembering to be spontaneous when it's not bedtime (or being spontaneous during bedtime, even if he's not going to stay in bed all night); sometimes that means actually scheduling sex. (But you know what? Lots of couples wind up having to do that, even those who sleep in the same bed every night of their lives.)
And it doesn't have to be clinical and boring, either ("I've penciled you in for 20 minutes before Top Chef next week"); instead, right as you're breezing out the door for work in the morning, mention what you're planning on doing when you get home in the evening. If my experience is any guide, this means you'll probably come home to a sparkling kitchen, a cocktail at the ready, and a bright-eyed, smiling boyfriend.
And keep in mind: dinner always wait.
posted by scody at 10:23 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
Anyway, if it's a non-work night for him, we always always always spend time before I go to sleep (I'm always the one who goes to sleep first) where we hang out in bed snuggling and drifting off. Then once I'm asleep, or at least half-asleep, he'll sneak out and (usually) stay up for another couple of hours, then go to sleep in the spare room.
Weekend mornings, he sleeps in late (since he works till 4 a.m.). I'll usually sneak in around noonish or so and get into bed with him, so we can have the morning snuggles.
As for more intimate intimacy, we're just conscious of not always relying on "bedtime" to equal "sexytime" -- that is, we consciously make time for sex earlier in the evening when I get home from work, or during the day on the weekends. Sometimes that means just remembering to be spontaneous when it's not bedtime (or being spontaneous during bedtime, even if he's not going to stay in bed all night); sometimes that means actually scheduling sex. (But you know what? Lots of couples wind up having to do that, even those who sleep in the same bed every night of their lives.)
And it doesn't have to be clinical and boring, either ("I've penciled you in for 20 minutes before Top Chef next week"); instead, right as you're breezing out the door for work in the morning, mention what you're planning on doing when you get home in the evening. If my experience is any guide, this means you'll probably come home to a sparkling kitchen, a cocktail at the ready, and a bright-eyed, smiling boyfriend.
And keep in mind: dinner always wait.
posted by scody at 10:23 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]
(am posting from the couch ;-) )
I snore like some kind of horror movie monster - I can be heard 2 floors away. When I am in our bed however, my wife just, uh "nudges" me and it usually stops.
Generally it is worse if I am stressed out (work), never had any testing done, probably have sleep apnea.
And as others have pointed out, the intimacy thing works itself out - having both parties well rested is a good start.
posted by jkaczor at 10:57 PM on August 11, 2009
I snore like some kind of horror movie monster - I can be heard 2 floors away. When I am in our bed however, my wife just, uh "nudges" me and it usually stops.
Generally it is worse if I am stressed out (work), never had any testing done, probably have sleep apnea.
And as others have pointed out, the intimacy thing works itself out - having both parties well rested is a good start.
posted by jkaczor at 10:57 PM on August 11, 2009
Sleeping in separate rooms is sexier. The anticipation of waiting for the other to show up (hopefully she is dressed in something sexy), then the actual lovemaking, and then the departure.
By sleeping in separate rooms, the mere presence of the other in your room will come to signify intimacy and sex. It becomes erotic.
Plus, isn't it great to a bed and covers all to yourself?
posted by KokuRyu at 11:50 PM on August 11, 2009
By sleeping in separate rooms, the mere presence of the other in your room will come to signify intimacy and sex. It becomes erotic.
Plus, isn't it great to a bed and covers all to yourself?
posted by KokuRyu at 11:50 PM on August 11, 2009
Nth the sleeping in separate rooms, not starting out in separate rooms. From time to time I've done that with SO for different things like work schedules, pregancy bathroom trips all through the night, etc.
Cuddle whenever you want. Have sex whenever you want. Then when you would usually drift off to sleep, get up and move. Or if you both fall asleep together, fine. Do it on the first annoying snore that wakes you up.
posted by Bueller at 12:34 AM on August 12, 2009
Cuddle whenever you want. Have sex whenever you want. Then when you would usually drift off to sleep, get up and move. Or if you both fall asleep together, fine. Do it on the first annoying snore that wakes you up.
posted by Bueller at 12:34 AM on August 12, 2009
You don't have to schedule it with him, you just have to take the initiative sometimes. Hopefully he will take the hint and do it too.
Secondly sex isn't just for the bedroom, put the dogs out or something and catch him anywhere. This could be a good thing.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 2:17 AM on August 12, 2009
Secondly sex isn't just for the bedroom, put the dogs out or something and catch him anywhere. This could be a good thing.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 2:17 AM on August 12, 2009
My boyfriend and I only have one bed but he happily stays awake until two in the morning with headphones geeking out (working on beats and mixes and DJ things) while I start fading at grandmotherly times of the evening. When I know I'm going to be fast asleep by the time he's available for snuggles I get him to carry me to bed and tuck me in. It's a nice sweet soothing ritual and lets me enjoy the luxury of having the bed to myself without being all WHERE IS HE WHAT IS HE DOING COME TO BED DUDE.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:16 AM on August 12, 2009
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:16 AM on August 12, 2009
Have you tried different earplugs? If you live in the US and are near a Sportsman's Warehouse store the carry these extremely comfortable earplugs, I believe the package says "Shootist's Earplugs" or something similar. Orange, soft foam, one end is rounded and the other flares out. They look exactly like these earplugs except for the color. I imagine those ones are similarly comfortable, and the reviews agree. I find them more comfortable in every way than the classic yellow plugs. The latter can hurt over time but the former never do for me.
I know this is only tangential to your question but I wanted to bring up the earplug issue because earplugs are not all the same and you may be able to find a more comfortable style. There is also a right way to insert them. Don't jam them in, roll the earplug between your thumb and finger until it's long and thin. Reach over your head with your opposite hand and grab the top of your ear and pull it up and back to straighten out the canal a bit (keep rolling the plug, too). Then insert the plug. A slight twisting motion will help it go right in. Not too far, of course. If you can't easily grab it to remove the plug it's too far. The plug will expand over the next 15-60 seconds creating a nice seal, and you can tell if it didn't quite go in properly because it won't seal right.
Okay, that's enough about earplugs.
posted by 6550 at 9:51 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
I know this is only tangential to your question but I wanted to bring up the earplug issue because earplugs are not all the same and you may be able to find a more comfortable style. There is also a right way to insert them. Don't jam them in, roll the earplug between your thumb and finger until it's long and thin. Reach over your head with your opposite hand and grab the top of your ear and pull it up and back to straighten out the canal a bit (keep rolling the plug, too). Then insert the plug. A slight twisting motion will help it go right in. Not too far, of course. If you can't easily grab it to remove the plug it's too far. The plug will expand over the next 15-60 seconds creating a nice seal, and you can tell if it didn't quite go in properly because it won't seal right.
Okay, that's enough about earplugs.
posted by 6550 at 9:51 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Turn up the theromstat (or fireplace), get a nice fuzzy rug for the living room and hang out there instead of the sofa. Sofas are bad for spontaneity.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:48 AM on August 12, 2009
posted by small_ruminant at 11:48 AM on August 12, 2009
Also, I've had the opposite experience with earplugs as 6550, fwiw. I can't wear the soft ones- they start out feeling great but if they weren't in EXACTLY right (like, with no wrinkles in them) I would wake up with pain equivalent to an acute ear infection that would last 30 minutes or so. Awful! Now I wear those during the day and the plug ones at night.
Also, earplugs haven't done squat against either good, professional snorer or crying beagle puppies. YMMV.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:52 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Also, earplugs haven't done squat against either good, professional snorer or crying beagle puppies. YMMV.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:52 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Wake up a little earlier than you have to and crawl into bed with each other to snuggle before you get up to start the day.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:09 PM on August 12, 2009
posted by Jacqueline at 6:09 PM on August 12, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by RustyBrooks at 8:00 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]