I want a fun outing, but she's there
June 2, 2023 3:46 PM Subscribe
What's the best way to attend something you adore, knowing you will see someone who no longer counts you among her friends?
It's a yearly festival, a very unique festival. a very vague festival for purposes of anonymity. Since the five or so years I've been going, she has risen to a position at this festival.
Its not that she never speaks to me, because if she does see me (I let her approach me) she is very kind and smiling and "how are you?". Almost as if she had never told me "I don't want to spend time with you any more. The original "break up" was something slight (not to her apparently) but something I never knew about except when she laid the law down '' "you do this, and it's not very fun. (no feedback or to change)." Now, my other friends can tell each other and me when something makes us crazy. We don't wait and render someone into outer darkness with no warning.
Other data points: We were friends for 10-11 years before this.
I have abandonment issues that go way back that weigh heavily and I am working them through with a professional.
There is no way to attend the festival without seeing her.
I adore the fest and don't want to give it up just because she is there
If it matters, we both ID as hetro/cis women.
I'm not interested in being yelled at or shamed. I feel bad enough as it is.
It's a yearly festival, a very unique festival. a very vague festival for purposes of anonymity. Since the five or so years I've been going, she has risen to a position at this festival.
Its not that she never speaks to me, because if she does see me (I let her approach me) she is very kind and smiling and "how are you?". Almost as if she had never told me "I don't want to spend time with you any more. The original "break up" was something slight (not to her apparently) but something I never knew about except when she laid the law down '' "you do this, and it's not very fun. (no feedback or to change)." Now, my other friends can tell each other and me when something makes us crazy. We don't wait and render someone into outer darkness with no warning.
Other data points: We were friends for 10-11 years before this.
I have abandonment issues that go way back that weigh heavily and I am working them through with a professional.
There is no way to attend the festival without seeing her.
I adore the fest and don't want to give it up just because she is there
If it matters, we both ID as hetro/cis women.
I'm not interested in being yelled at or shamed. I feel bad enough as it is.
I'm sorry that your friend cut you off, I have been on both sides of this story (like most people have*) and it's always really difficult when a valued friendship ends.
How to deal: You said this woman is polite to you and acts like everything is fine. Bask in the wonder. The alternatives are way weirder and more uncomfortable for both of you and anyone else who is nearby when you interact with her.
She could be trying to make you feel terrible about whatever minor thing she originally banished you for. That would be worse. She could be trying to make you feel like you aren't welcome when she's around and she's not. You are welcome and you should sit with that. It sounds to me like this person is trying their best to handle a challenging situation with grace and if I were you I would choose to mirror her behavior. Act like everything is fine until everything is fine. We all fake it socially sometimes somehow.
*Friendships go through all sorts of emotional weather and a lot of them don't last. Many people will say "I've never ghosted anyone ever in my whole life!!!" but I'm talking about the rest of us. You're not alone, you can go to the festival and have a blast if you focus on doing just that.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:06 PM on June 2, 2023 [14 favorites]
How to deal: You said this woman is polite to you and acts like everything is fine. Bask in the wonder. The alternatives are way weirder and more uncomfortable for both of you and anyone else who is nearby when you interact with her.
She could be trying to make you feel terrible about whatever minor thing she originally banished you for. That would be worse. She could be trying to make you feel like you aren't welcome when she's around and she's not. You are welcome and you should sit with that. It sounds to me like this person is trying their best to handle a challenging situation with grace and if I were you I would choose to mirror her behavior. Act like everything is fine until everything is fine. We all fake it socially sometimes somehow.
*Friendships go through all sorts of emotional weather and a lot of them don't last. Many people will say "I've never ghosted anyone ever in my whole life!!!" but I'm talking about the rest of us. You're not alone, you can go to the festival and have a blast if you focus on doing just that.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:06 PM on June 2, 2023 [14 favorites]
Find an ally or festival buddy to walk around with.
posted by danceswithlight at 4:20 PM on June 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by danceswithlight at 4:20 PM on June 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
If I'm understanding you right, you're not concerned that she'll be rude to you; it seems that she's chosen to treat you with civility, regardless of how you feel about the break-up itself. Your main concern seems to be that you're still hurt over it and perhaps are harboring feelings that it the way she broke up with you was unfair.
So what are your options here? You can skip the festival, but you've ruled that out. You can go to the festival and try to confront her about it - but that won't repair the friendship or your feelings, and it will ruin the festival for you both (and anyone you're with).
Or you can go with the only reasonable option, which is to go to the festival and try to enjoy it without thinking about her too much. Don't seek her out, but be civil if you cross paths. Focus on how fun the festival is. Take a friend if you can.
If this is not the type of advice you're looking for, maybe you can be more specific?
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:28 PM on June 2, 2023 [19 favorites]
So what are your options here? You can skip the festival, but you've ruled that out. You can go to the festival and try to confront her about it - but that won't repair the friendship or your feelings, and it will ruin the festival for you both (and anyone you're with).
Or you can go with the only reasonable option, which is to go to the festival and try to enjoy it without thinking about her too much. Don't seek her out, but be civil if you cross paths. Focus on how fun the festival is. Take a friend if you can.
If this is not the type of advice you're looking for, maybe you can be more specific?
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 4:28 PM on June 2, 2023 [19 favorites]
Since she'll be polite if she runs into you, it doesn't sound like there's any reason to skip it. Just go. Have a good time. If you do bump into her, say hello and move along and get back to having a good time.
posted by Stacey at 4:50 PM on June 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 4:50 PM on June 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
It might help to look at this as "practice" for being around her as non-friends. Sometimes we build things up in our head but when faced with the situation (in this case, being around someone who no longer wants to be friends) it can be easier to handle than we thought. And it should get easier as you practice doing it.
posted by bearette at 5:19 PM on June 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by bearette at 5:19 PM on June 2, 2023 [2 favorites]
You wrote that she’s been “very kind and smiling” to you at the event in previous years, but then you also closed with, “I'm not interested in being yelled at or shamed”. Has something happened since the last event that would lead you to anticipate a shift in her demeanor? If not, I would gently suggest that anxiety may be running through some worst-case scenarios on your behalf, and not necessarily to your benefit. For me, when this happens, I try to poke at it a little to deflate it if possible (what is bringing this up for me, how likely is this result really to happen) and then map out and even practice how I can successfully handle it.
You’ve got a good start with your therapy practice; perhaps that would be a good space to talk it through and make a game plan before the event? Also, going with some friends might help take the weight off of possibly interacting with your former friend and help you to focus on the fun all around you.
posted by vespertine at 5:32 PM on June 2, 2023
You’ve got a good start with your therapy practice; perhaps that would be a good space to talk it through and make a game plan before the event? Also, going with some friends might help take the weight off of possibly interacting with your former friend and help you to focus on the fun all around you.
posted by vespertine at 5:32 PM on June 2, 2023
I understand where you’re coming from. It can feel like this person is looming, and even though you genuinely have a great time you’re just waiting for her to choose to come interact with you and remind you of all the shit feelings you’ve had, and because it’s out of your control it taints the whole event.
A couple things that have made situations like this better for me:
- Daily anti anxiety medication that helps me curb my rumination, obviously this is a big commitment but if you have a lot of trouble with this kind of thing it’s absolutely worth looking into and working on your anxiety generally.
- Learning about a time and place this person will definitely be during the event and purposefully greeting them first, so as to have control of the time and place in which I must handle my swarm of feelings (this only works if it won’t imply that the person should come talk to me again throughout, it’s a hard balance to hit)
- Doing a little conversation planning and rehearsal so I have some default things to say, like two things I am looking forward to at the event, a neutral way to escape a conversation (usually needing the bathroom or a drink), thoughts about my travel or accommodations. I normally ask a lot of questions when having a conversation with a casual acquaintance but in cases like yours I need to curb this because questions imply I want to talk to the person and I really don’t.
- Bringing a buddy who knows what’s up who can pull my focus away from the other person and then I can yell about it later with them (this is ultimately the most helpful after anxiety meds)
- The aforementioned buddy is a sober buddy and I indulge in venue appropriate drugs (such as many glasses of champagne at a wedding, to provide a legal example) and keeps me from indulging too much so I’m just buzzed and not sloppy. Importantly I do not do this now that I’m on prescribed meds, though I could with certain substances and not others. Sober buddy is paramount regardless.
posted by Mizu at 5:56 PM on June 2, 2023
A couple things that have made situations like this better for me:
- Daily anti anxiety medication that helps me curb my rumination, obviously this is a big commitment but if you have a lot of trouble with this kind of thing it’s absolutely worth looking into and working on your anxiety generally.
- Learning about a time and place this person will definitely be during the event and purposefully greeting them first, so as to have control of the time and place in which I must handle my swarm of feelings (this only works if it won’t imply that the person should come talk to me again throughout, it’s a hard balance to hit)
- Doing a little conversation planning and rehearsal so I have some default things to say, like two things I am looking forward to at the event, a neutral way to escape a conversation (usually needing the bathroom or a drink), thoughts about my travel or accommodations. I normally ask a lot of questions when having a conversation with a casual acquaintance but in cases like yours I need to curb this because questions imply I want to talk to the person and I really don’t.
- Bringing a buddy who knows what’s up who can pull my focus away from the other person and then I can yell about it later with them (this is ultimately the most helpful after anxiety meds)
- The aforementioned buddy is a sober buddy and I indulge in venue appropriate drugs (such as many glasses of champagne at a wedding, to provide a legal example) and keeps me from indulging too much so I’m just buzzed and not sloppy. Importantly I do not do this now that I’m on prescribed meds, though I could with certain substances and not others. Sober buddy is paramount regardless.
posted by Mizu at 5:56 PM on June 2, 2023
If this person has "risen to a high a position" within the festival organization, they will likely be pulled in all sorts of directions and won't have much time for you, which is good in this case. Maybe try to run into them right away, get the awkwardness over with and then go and enjoy the festival knowing that you were polite and civil and didn't cause any drama.
It may also help you to reframe the behavior as one that's not a slight to you, but a slight to herself. One might almost feel sorry for a person who chooses to cut people off on a whim rather than trying to work through any difficulties with maturity.
posted by brookeb at 6:08 PM on June 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
It may also help you to reframe the behavior as one that's not a slight to you, but a slight to herself. One might almost feel sorry for a person who chooses to cut people off on a whim rather than trying to work through any difficulties with maturity.
posted by brookeb at 6:08 PM on June 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
I don’t know if this will work in your context, but there’s someone vaguely in my circle I’m tense (understatement) about running into. I’d be no contact with him forever if it weren’t for some professional considerations. I knew I would run into him at a memorial service and I knew I had to be civil (snubbing him would be conspicuous and conspicuous is inappropriate at a memorial.) My strategy:
-I brought a date (really a buddy) and stuck pretty close by them the whole time.
-I couldn’t cope with the dread, and didn’t want to be ambushed by him. So I actually sought him out very early on when he was in a group, and I was with my date, and I very briefly greeted him with a nod and a neutral expression. I only said hello and something nice about the person we lost. I avoided him the rest of the time, and having gotten it out of the way, I was able to put him out of my mind pretty well!
-I focused on the event and gave myself permission to leave early if I needed to (I didn’t need to—I think because of the above early greeting strategy.)
posted by kapers at 6:34 PM on June 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
-I brought a date (really a buddy) and stuck pretty close by them the whole time.
-I couldn’t cope with the dread, and didn’t want to be ambushed by him. So I actually sought him out very early on when he was in a group, and I was with my date, and I very briefly greeted him with a nod and a neutral expression. I only said hello and something nice about the person we lost. I avoided him the rest of the time, and having gotten it out of the way, I was able to put him out of my mind pretty well!
-I focused on the event and gave myself permission to leave early if I needed to (I didn’t need to—I think because of the above early greeting strategy.)
posted by kapers at 6:34 PM on June 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I didn't go, but there were plenty of other things going on to distract me (a full moon campfire/ritual by the water, a charming small town) Maybe next year. You all have good things to say, although I have very few buddies, at least not ones that want to go tromping out to the wilds. Nor a spouse. That's just how it turned out. Thanks, I will think about these things.
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 9:45 AM on June 4, 2023
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 9:45 AM on June 4, 2023
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the only other thing you can do is continue working through your issues, as you already are, and continue to live your life.
posted by koroshiya at 4:06 PM on June 2, 2023 [8 favorites]