Do I stay in a relationship with waning attraction?
March 23, 2023 5:08 AM Subscribe
Should I stay in a relationship when my attraction to my partner has decreased, but everything else is good?
I'm a mid-thirties man and I've been in a relationship for one year with a woman about the same age. I don't have a lot of relationship experience because of mental health challenges earlier in my adulthood, and this is my first really serious long-term relationship.
My partner is kind, loyal, and thoughtful, and an all-around great person. We spend almost all of our free time together and have similar interests and values.
However, for the last few months, my attraction for her has waned significantly. She hasn't changed at all - just for whatever reason I don't feel the same physical attraction that I used to. I don't think this is just moving out of the honeymoon period, although I could be wrong. This bothers me a lot and I feel terribly guilty, and it has me questioning whether I should stay in the relationship.
I know that physical attraction is not the most important thing in a long-term relationship, and we're so compatible on a number of other dimensions. But I feel like I'm lying to her by keeping this from her, yet it's not something I can share without shattering her confidence. I would never cheat, but I do find myself noticing other women.
I don't know what to do here. I don't want to ruin a great relationship because I'm shallow, but I also don't want to waste her time if this is something that will build over time. I unfortunately don't have past relationship experience to know whether this is something that I'll get over or not.
Have you been in a similar situation where things worked out? Or is it time to end things?
I'm a mid-thirties man and I've been in a relationship for one year with a woman about the same age. I don't have a lot of relationship experience because of mental health challenges earlier in my adulthood, and this is my first really serious long-term relationship.
My partner is kind, loyal, and thoughtful, and an all-around great person. We spend almost all of our free time together and have similar interests and values.
However, for the last few months, my attraction for her has waned significantly. She hasn't changed at all - just for whatever reason I don't feel the same physical attraction that I used to. I don't think this is just moving out of the honeymoon period, although I could be wrong. This bothers me a lot and I feel terribly guilty, and it has me questioning whether I should stay in the relationship.
I know that physical attraction is not the most important thing in a long-term relationship, and we're so compatible on a number of other dimensions. But I feel like I'm lying to her by keeping this from her, yet it's not something I can share without shattering her confidence. I would never cheat, but I do find myself noticing other women.
I don't know what to do here. I don't want to ruin a great relationship because I'm shallow, but I also don't want to waste her time if this is something that will build over time. I unfortunately don't have past relationship experience to know whether this is something that I'll get over or not.
Have you been in a similar situation where things worked out? Or is it time to end things?
In the span of a lifetime with someone, if that's a goal of yours, to have one partner you stay with long term, like decades? You will have times when you don't feel as attracted to them. They will feel similarly about you. Sticking by them for all the other good stuff sounds worth it to me. It's not like you can't work on this one aspect that isn't going perfectly well.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:47 AM on March 23, 2023 [19 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:47 AM on March 23, 2023 [19 favorites]
It sounds like this is your first experience in a long-term relationship, and you're trying to assess whether changing levels of attraction to your partner are normal or pathological? I'm a woman, and in my experience, in several long-term relationships, this is an extremely normal phenomenon, such that I expect it. There's a certain frisson of excitement, limerence, in a new relationship, that lasts for me up through maybe a year or a year and a half and then fades substantially. The reality of the person takes the place of my fantasy, and I have to work harder to remain attracted, since the effortless attraction of the beginning goes away. This happened for me in all of my long-term relationships except one, which was somewhat exceptional (long-distance, which I think helps preserve the initial spark, and I believe he also did a lot of work to help it as well [e.g. sending me love letters about how much he admired me and wanted me, etc.]). All of this is to say that to me, this doesn't sound unusual and wouldn't be a reason to break up. Obviously YMMV, as well as the mileage of those on Metafilter: I don't know whether what I'm describing is more of a female phenomenon or is more universal, or how common it is. Perhaps some or many don't have this experience, and have high levels of attraction to and desire for their partner throughout a long-term relationship. My concern would be that if you break up with her over it, you may find yourself having the same experience in all of your relationships and regretting ending this one.
posted by ClaireBear at 5:59 AM on March 23, 2023 [22 favorites]
posted by ClaireBear at 5:59 AM on March 23, 2023 [22 favorites]
There are lots of different ways that people navigate sexual aspects of partnerships. Every person is different so all I can tell you is my personal thoughts on this stuff.
I've been married for fifteen years and my husband is a total hottie imo and the main reason I have always without fail wanted to be sexy with him is because I am so cheesily totally in love with him.
That's what jumped out at me from your question. Do you love your partner? Or at least really like her? I can tell that you respect her and you think she's a good partner but you don't say one word about how you feel about her.
Long story short, I have found that it can be a lot easier to maintain a sexual connection if you have an emotional connection.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 6:23 AM on March 23, 2023 [16 favorites]
I've been married for fifteen years and my husband is a total hottie imo and the main reason I have always without fail wanted to be sexy with him is because I am so cheesily totally in love with him.
That's what jumped out at me from your question. Do you love your partner? Or at least really like her? I can tell that you respect her and you think she's a good partner but you don't say one word about how you feel about her.
Long story short, I have found that it can be a lot easier to maintain a sexual connection if you have an emotional connection.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 6:23 AM on March 23, 2023 [16 favorites]
Also...if you do decide you are leaning towards breaking it off...talk about this issue with them first. And consider as a mid-30s man, YOUR libido is probably decreasing. Meaning you may have to find solutions with ANY partner, and this one seems well suited to you in other respects.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:23 AM on March 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:23 AM on March 23, 2023 [5 favorites]
You sound very....settled/apathetic about this relationship. It's your first one, I get it. You may not get another one and this is pretty good. I get that too. You don't sound "in love" or like you'd miss her if she was gone--I guess that's a telling thing, isn't it? Would you miss her if she was gone? How would you feel about it if she randomly broke up with you out of nowhere tomorrow? Relieved? Vaguely sad? Wishing you hadn't made this post because now you realize you care more?
If you're not wanting to boink any more, how does she feel about that? Because if she's losing interest in sex too and you both match on that score, then I guess that's all fine and good and everyone's settled for mutual meh. But if it's bothering her....then we got a problem. Has she even noticed any changes in your behavior?
Honestly, this kinda feels like you've grown out of these shoes or something. You finally got a relationship, it was pretty good/better than nothing, and now you're...looking elsewhere because this isn't quite doing it for you. The word love isn't anywhere in this. Would you want to marry this lady if the relationship goes another year and it's kinda heading to that place where you should consider that? What about kids?
I absolutely get settling if that's the best you can do. Finding someone to love is nigh impossible for some people (myself included), options are worse the older you get, and a warm body next to you at night that you somewhat care about when you haven't had that for 30+ years of your life is nothing to sneeze at. (Waiting for 19 years for true love to happen has categorically Not Worked For Me At All.) And if she feels the same about you and you're both okay with the state of things, then cool, stick it out, see how it goes.
But if she wants real love and she's not gonna get it from you, or more of a marriage/kids commitment comes up, if she wants sex and you're over it, and there's a mismatch--and frankly, if you wouldn't miss her if she was gone--then maybe you should end it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:58 AM on March 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you're not wanting to boink any more, how does she feel about that? Because if she's losing interest in sex too and you both match on that score, then I guess that's all fine and good and everyone's settled for mutual meh. But if it's bothering her....then we got a problem. Has she even noticed any changes in your behavior?
Honestly, this kinda feels like you've grown out of these shoes or something. You finally got a relationship, it was pretty good/better than nothing, and now you're...looking elsewhere because this isn't quite doing it for you. The word love isn't anywhere in this. Would you want to marry this lady if the relationship goes another year and it's kinda heading to that place where you should consider that? What about kids?
I absolutely get settling if that's the best you can do. Finding someone to love is nigh impossible for some people (myself included), options are worse the older you get, and a warm body next to you at night that you somewhat care about when you haven't had that for 30+ years of your life is nothing to sneeze at. (Waiting for 19 years for true love to happen has categorically Not Worked For Me At All.) And if she feels the same about you and you're both okay with the state of things, then cool, stick it out, see how it goes.
But if she wants real love and she's not gonna get it from you, or more of a marriage/kids commitment comes up, if she wants sex and you're over it, and there's a mismatch--and frankly, if you wouldn't miss her if she was gone--then maybe you should end it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:58 AM on March 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
You said that you spend almost all your free time together. See what happens if you spend a few days apart, e.g. you go on a weekend trip with buddies, or a work trip.
Does the attraction return if you are apart for a few days? Sometimes monotony sets in when you are constantly together. There is nothing new to discuss, and no anticipation or longing.
If the attraction returns after an absence, you can add independent hobbies in your relationship, to keep a sense of novelty.
If your attraction emerges after a couple days apart, it's much better to find out through a weekend trip than to actually break up and realize you made a horrible mistake.
posted by vienna at 7:01 AM on March 23, 2023 [23 favorites]
Does the attraction return if you are apart for a few days? Sometimes monotony sets in when you are constantly together. There is nothing new to discuss, and no anticipation or longing.
If the attraction returns after an absence, you can add independent hobbies in your relationship, to keep a sense of novelty.
If your attraction emerges after a couple days apart, it's much better to find out through a weekend trip than to actually break up and realize you made a horrible mistake.
posted by vienna at 7:01 AM on March 23, 2023 [23 favorites]
I know that physical attraction is not the most important thing in a long-term relationship, and we're so compatible on a number of other dimensions. But I feel like I'm lying to her by keeping this from her, yet it's not something I can share without shattering her confidence.
I wouldn't assume that physical attraction isn't the most important thing. Is it for you? Is it for her? You don't know unless you ask yourself, unless you ask her. Don't give the answer you think you're supposed to give. You're not asking about the polite or socially kind answer. You and your partner need to come clean with each other about where your values are with this.
That means, for instance, if physical attraction is important to you, do you each like each other enough in other dimensions to invest in keeping that physical attraction alive? Are there conversations you can have about this that directs your time together into activities that build physical attraction? Concealing your feelings might seem like something that you're doing to protect her or yourself from shame, embarrassment, hurt feelings and so on. Nevertheless, it means you're presenting a version of yourself to her that isn't representative of your true feelings.
The worst case scenario here is that you part ways openly and honestly, each with the trust of the other. There are many more degrees above that that might see you two improving your relationship, or at least testing out if you can improve it. Communicate about it. Make time to be open and honest with yourself first, and then with her.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:33 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't assume that physical attraction isn't the most important thing. Is it for you? Is it for her? You don't know unless you ask yourself, unless you ask her. Don't give the answer you think you're supposed to give. You're not asking about the polite or socially kind answer. You and your partner need to come clean with each other about where your values are with this.
That means, for instance, if physical attraction is important to you, do you each like each other enough in other dimensions to invest in keeping that physical attraction alive? Are there conversations you can have about this that directs your time together into activities that build physical attraction? Concealing your feelings might seem like something that you're doing to protect her or yourself from shame, embarrassment, hurt feelings and so on. Nevertheless, it means you're presenting a version of yourself to her that isn't representative of your true feelings.
The worst case scenario here is that you part ways openly and honestly, each with the trust of the other. There are many more degrees above that that might see you two improving your relationship, or at least testing out if you can improve it. Communicate about it. Make time to be open and honest with yourself first, and then with her.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:33 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Define in more than one word what you mean by attraction, at least to yourself since you're anon.
I think a lot of men literally don't know there is more to attraction than the eyeballs-to-boner pipeline, and it's up to you to build an actual palate of appreciation for your real actual human farts-and-all partner rather than just expecting to coast all your life on grunty primal urges.
There should be a point in a serious relationship where "attraction" does not just mean a nice ass, but actually finding the entire person attached to the secondary sexual characteristics to be an amazing human being who is sexy to you in how she IS and not just how she looks.
There are also a thousand external factors competing for your full attention in your day to day life, and it is a real adult relationship skill to figure out ways to keep it from stealing your attraction, as well. The longer you're with someone, and also the longer you're just alive, the bills and obligations and bad days at work and home repairs and aging parents and the creeping desire to just collapse on the couch at the end of the day etc etc etc will disconnect you not just from your partner but from yourself, so that at the root of not feelin' it may very well be an internal issue of having trouble feeling in the first place.
Most people have to struggle to make time and space for intimacy in long-term relationships, and the older we get the less it's like flipping a switch the way it is in the early stages. I personally find it hard to believe that anybody that isn't independently wealthy can long-term maintain a sex life that is entirely spontaneous, erupting in the middle of doing dishes or watching Survivor - more power to those what have that kind of bulletproof libido, but I don't think it's most people's standard level beyond their 20s. A lot of us have to make time, put down the phone, shake off that gripe about work, avoid eating dairy at dinner, take some time to center and come back into our body, and then spend time actually focusing directly on our partner for a bit before the goodgood feelings really well up.
If you are doing that work and making a point of digging your partner as a person and both of you are making space to actually connect and you're still just like meh, then yeah, it's time for you to consider whether this relationship has run its course. But if it's just that life has stolen a lot of your focus and your partner is fading into the scenery to you, you're not going to solve that problem permanently by finding someone new - life's gonna get you every time.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:51 AM on March 23, 2023 [41 favorites]
I think a lot of men literally don't know there is more to attraction than the eyeballs-to-boner pipeline, and it's up to you to build an actual palate of appreciation for your real actual human farts-and-all partner rather than just expecting to coast all your life on grunty primal urges.
There should be a point in a serious relationship where "attraction" does not just mean a nice ass, but actually finding the entire person attached to the secondary sexual characteristics to be an amazing human being who is sexy to you in how she IS and not just how she looks.
There are also a thousand external factors competing for your full attention in your day to day life, and it is a real adult relationship skill to figure out ways to keep it from stealing your attraction, as well. The longer you're with someone, and also the longer you're just alive, the bills and obligations and bad days at work and home repairs and aging parents and the creeping desire to just collapse on the couch at the end of the day etc etc etc will disconnect you not just from your partner but from yourself, so that at the root of not feelin' it may very well be an internal issue of having trouble feeling in the first place.
Most people have to struggle to make time and space for intimacy in long-term relationships, and the older we get the less it's like flipping a switch the way it is in the early stages. I personally find it hard to believe that anybody that isn't independently wealthy can long-term maintain a sex life that is entirely spontaneous, erupting in the middle of doing dishes or watching Survivor - more power to those what have that kind of bulletproof libido, but I don't think it's most people's standard level beyond their 20s. A lot of us have to make time, put down the phone, shake off that gripe about work, avoid eating dairy at dinner, take some time to center and come back into our body, and then spend time actually focusing directly on our partner for a bit before the goodgood feelings really well up.
If you are doing that work and making a point of digging your partner as a person and both of you are making space to actually connect and you're still just like meh, then yeah, it's time for you to consider whether this relationship has run its course. But if it's just that life has stolen a lot of your focus and your partner is fading into the scenery to you, you're not going to solve that problem permanently by finding someone new - life's gonna get you every time.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:51 AM on March 23, 2023 [41 favorites]
If, like me, you happen to have ADHD, it turns out that a noteworthy number of folks like us tend to get bored in our relationships. It is a known thing. Of course, I have no idea what your situation is but wanted to share this in case it might be applicable.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:45 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 9:45 AM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
As some other answers have indicated, it's hard to advise you one way or the other because it's not clear what you mean here - if it's just that you feel less attracted to her because the limerence stage of an early relationship has passed, yes, that's totally normal. But if it's that you feel more or less nothing for her anymore, if the sex is more obligatory than joyous - than yeah, that's not something you have to settle for, nor should she. Whereas if you still can get aroused/enjoy your sex life, even if the frequency has decreased, that will likely be true of any other relationship you enter.
yet it's not something I can share without shattering her confidence
If you still have attraction for her, just less than at first (which is normal), you should also be able to talk to her about this - you can do it kindly - you can say, "Hey, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling like we've left the honeymoon phase, which is ok, but would you be up for maybe trying new things?" Obviously don't bother with this conversation if you really don't feel any attraction to her, but most couples have these sorts of discussion at some point.
posted by coffeecat at 1:07 PM on March 23, 2023
yet it's not something I can share without shattering her confidence
If you still have attraction for her, just less than at first (which is normal), you should also be able to talk to her about this - you can do it kindly - you can say, "Hey, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling like we've left the honeymoon phase, which is ok, but would you be up for maybe trying new things?" Obviously don't bother with this conversation if you really don't feel any attraction to her, but most couples have these sorts of discussion at some point.
posted by coffeecat at 1:07 PM on March 23, 2023
TLDR: put the effort into yourself and maybe you will adapt, maybe your relationship will adapt, but either way you will practice adapting, which I have found to be essential skill to maintaining my long term relationships.
I have been in your situation on both sides, and for a couple of relationships it all came apart until a relationship didn't and now I am still married. I have given this some serious thought. So what was different - how do I know, how did I get over issues like this one, like physical attraction? I didn't. At least not for a long long time. Now I'm not the same person, I don't have the same expectations of a relationship. More importantly, I have completely different expectations about myself. And what that means is that I would approach those previous relationships very differently, even if the outcome ended up unchanged.
My understanding of your expectations are:
As for the 'noticing other women', clearly you think that this is an issue worth noting, but is it actually a problem? Do you think it's cheating if your partner notices other people? Do you know where your partner draws the line? Because while your relationship might have a clear line on physical cheating, "attention" is speaking to emotional cheating, which is a separate issue.
You feel guilty about your waning attraction because you have internalized and elevated its importance in your relationship. I'll note that it's great that you are not projecting this change onto your partner, but are processing this as your own issue to address. Others have noted that their own levels of attraction have changed over time and circumstance, and this is my truth as well. You can't know in this moment if this issue will end your relationship, but it might and that is actually ok. Sad, but ok.
But it is very hard to know if your expectations will change, or if your circumstances will change, or what you should do now. You are trying balance your desire for physical attraction with your understanding that it isn't the most important part of a relationship. From your description (and action) you clearly possess a level of fondness and attraction to this person - and that is your current baseline.
So how do you be kind to this person and also not lie to them? Well, what is your truth? You question your relationship because your own feelings of attractiveness have changed and you don't know if you will be able to get over this feeling. Your truth, and mine, is that you are trying to figure out your relationship as you change, as I change, as they change, as everything shifts. It might be true to ask them if this is the end, which is the worry you repeated here, but it might also be true to ask if this is a new beginning. Change is inevitable, and everything that has a start also has an end, and both are true.
You have changed in a way that has impacted your relationship, and you are so focused on the specifics that you have missed the larger issue. What really is the difference between telling someone that you are no longer "physically attracted" and just saying "I'm not attracted to you anymore"? Note how I summarized your situation in the previous paragraph. You see yourself as someone who makes a distinction here, and maybe you aren't. Outside of romantic relationships are you someone who has changed, maintained friendships and overcome your own issues with someone? How permanent are your feelings?
They know.
They might not know exactly what, but they probably have some idea. So if they want to talk about it, have "the talk", the truth I would focus on right now is change. when you are ready, ask them for the time you need to adjust. They are going to have their own issues in your relationship, and they can break your heart just like you worry about breaking theirs, yet you still need to trust them. There is no rush to end the whole relationship- give your self a moment, give yourself permission to hold these larger questions and understand there is no quick answer. You can hit pause and the urgency you have to resolve your relationship should be directed to other questions.
When you ask if you are going to get over this, you are asking if your relationship is worth saving. If the effort it would take to overcome this issue is worth it - and the answer is that you should try. Take that baseline affection you currently have and continue building. Sometimes a relationship is effortless, but often it is not, and requires tending. What actions will you take today that demonstrate that you are invested in them, that you are kind, loyal and thoughtful? What's your baseline relationship?
What if the choice here is between doing a really hard thing, like actually resolving feeling shallow for your physical needs, and doing the easier thing which is just breaking up? What if you take a bit of time to do the work and make your expectations fit your ideals and reality? And what if you still don't feel attracted to them, but now it's their whole person? Or these feelings get worse? Hell, the worst case scenario here is that you get yourself a bit better sorted out and they break up with you. That work is not wasted. It might change the outcome of your relationship, hasten its end or build it up. Other's have suggested methods to try and change your feelings and level of attractiveness, but you are not a terrible person if these feelings are permanent. To me it's only a question of trying to build the capacity to change and adapt, because over the long term any relationship will require that.
Maybe this person is your partner in this journey, maybe they are right up until they aren't, and maybe they never were. Trust that they will know when to decide that for themselves. Trust yourself - if you are worried about wasting their time just ask them. If you are worried about shattering their confidence- you never have to say more than "I have changed and I can't continue in this relationship" and you can't let their reaction to that hold you hostage in the relationship. They are likely not as frail as you expect.
So the question ultimately here is if you can get over your issue that is the result of you changing, and the answer is maybe, if you try.
posted by zenon at 1:17 PM on March 23, 2023
I have been in your situation on both sides, and for a couple of relationships it all came apart until a relationship didn't and now I am still married. I have given this some serious thought. So what was different - how do I know, how did I get over issues like this one, like physical attraction? I didn't. At least not for a long long time. Now I'm not the same person, I don't have the same expectations of a relationship. More importantly, I have completely different expectations about myself. And what that means is that I would approach those previous relationships very differently, even if the outcome ended up unchanged.
My understanding of your expectations are:
- partner who is an all-around great person & deserves good things
- you want to be truthful, so you feel conflicted about telling them your issue or lying to them
- you recognize physical attraction is shallow and not the most important thing for a long term relationship
- yet, you feel guilty about your level of attraction
- no cheating but you are "noticing other women"
As for the 'noticing other women', clearly you think that this is an issue worth noting, but is it actually a problem? Do you think it's cheating if your partner notices other people? Do you know where your partner draws the line? Because while your relationship might have a clear line on physical cheating, "attention" is speaking to emotional cheating, which is a separate issue.
You feel guilty about your waning attraction because you have internalized and elevated its importance in your relationship. I'll note that it's great that you are not projecting this change onto your partner, but are processing this as your own issue to address. Others have noted that their own levels of attraction have changed over time and circumstance, and this is my truth as well. You can't know in this moment if this issue will end your relationship, but it might and that is actually ok. Sad, but ok.
But it is very hard to know if your expectations will change, or if your circumstances will change, or what you should do now. You are trying balance your desire for physical attraction with your understanding that it isn't the most important part of a relationship. From your description (and action) you clearly possess a level of fondness and attraction to this person - and that is your current baseline.
So how do you be kind to this person and also not lie to them? Well, what is your truth? You question your relationship because your own feelings of attractiveness have changed and you don't know if you will be able to get over this feeling. Your truth, and mine, is that you are trying to figure out your relationship as you change, as I change, as they change, as everything shifts. It might be true to ask them if this is the end, which is the worry you repeated here, but it might also be true to ask if this is a new beginning. Change is inevitable, and everything that has a start also has an end, and both are true.
You have changed in a way that has impacted your relationship, and you are so focused on the specifics that you have missed the larger issue. What really is the difference between telling someone that you are no longer "physically attracted" and just saying "I'm not attracted to you anymore"? Note how I summarized your situation in the previous paragraph. You see yourself as someone who makes a distinction here, and maybe you aren't. Outside of romantic relationships are you someone who has changed, maintained friendships and overcome your own issues with someone? How permanent are your feelings?
They know.
They might not know exactly what, but they probably have some idea. So if they want to talk about it, have "the talk", the truth I would focus on right now is change. when you are ready, ask them for the time you need to adjust. They are going to have their own issues in your relationship, and they can break your heart just like you worry about breaking theirs, yet you still need to trust them. There is no rush to end the whole relationship- give your self a moment, give yourself permission to hold these larger questions and understand there is no quick answer. You can hit pause and the urgency you have to resolve your relationship should be directed to other questions.
When you ask if you are going to get over this, you are asking if your relationship is worth saving. If the effort it would take to overcome this issue is worth it - and the answer is that you should try. Take that baseline affection you currently have and continue building. Sometimes a relationship is effortless, but often it is not, and requires tending. What actions will you take today that demonstrate that you are invested in them, that you are kind, loyal and thoughtful? What's your baseline relationship?
What if the choice here is between doing a really hard thing, like actually resolving feeling shallow for your physical needs, and doing the easier thing which is just breaking up? What if you take a bit of time to do the work and make your expectations fit your ideals and reality? And what if you still don't feel attracted to them, but now it's their whole person? Or these feelings get worse? Hell, the worst case scenario here is that you get yourself a bit better sorted out and they break up with you. That work is not wasted. It might change the outcome of your relationship, hasten its end or build it up. Other's have suggested methods to try and change your feelings and level of attractiveness, but you are not a terrible person if these feelings are permanent. To me it's only a question of trying to build the capacity to change and adapt, because over the long term any relationship will require that.
Maybe this person is your partner in this journey, maybe they are right up until they aren't, and maybe they never were. Trust that they will know when to decide that for themselves. Trust yourself - if you are worried about wasting their time just ask them. If you are worried about shattering their confidence- you never have to say more than "I have changed and I can't continue in this relationship" and you can't let their reaction to that hold you hostage in the relationship. They are likely not as frail as you expect.
So the question ultimately here is if you can get over your issue that is the result of you changing, and the answer is maybe, if you try.
posted by zenon at 1:17 PM on March 23, 2023
There is so much great advice people have offered in these responses I'd like to echo. Especially the notion that long-term sexual attraction is something that you can generate thru effort and building trust and connection, that the initial "frisson"/intensity of limerence can be difficult to distinguish from that longer-form attraction, and that when you're newer to relationships, it can be difficult to distinguish between these things.
In my experience I can relate so much to what you're saying--as another person who was a comparatively late bloomer, as (I assume) AMAB or socialized as a man, and who struggled with mental health issues as a young person that precluded the possibility of romantic relationships. Entering into a sexual relationship from this space, for me, created some pretty heavily charged expectations of how sexually gratifying my relationships would be, when they finally happened. And when I finally was in my first long term relationship, I definitely experienced the disorientation of the initial sexual charge sort of dropping out from under me. This leads me to my next points; I started noticing myself being extremely sexually attracted to other people than my partner. And yet, I loved my partner and really wanted to stay with her because I found she had rare and exceptional qualities that really mattered to me. My attraction to her has waxed and waned over the years, but one thing I've noticed, is that the more I could be truthful with her, the more we could feel connected, and the more we were authentically connected, those sort of primal sexual drives tended to return. I'm still with this partner today (after 10 years). I guess the part I've left out here is... how did I resolve my sexual attraction to others? Especially when it seemed to happen in concert with dips in my attraction to her? In short...
Learning about polyamory and non-monogamy. The idea that my one partner doesn't, and can't, mean and be everything to me; that I can love and be connected to that person and then also meaningfully explore my sexual attraction to others; that if we're sexually incompatible, or our compatibilities and desires drift, we can still love each other in the other ways that we do and which are so important to us.
I'm not necessarily here to say that non-monogamy is the answer for you, but I'd like to offer that it could be something worth learning about and exploring.
You can love your partner, be truthful to them, and explore your attraction to other people, with everyone's informed consent.
In my case... I found that the advice of "spicing things up in the bedroom" not only rang hollow for me, but that it also became a sort of prison that made me even resent my partner, until I became more truthful to myself and my desires, and accepted that I'm non-monogamous by nature. When I first brought this up to my partner, I was prepared for the possibility that it might end our relationship, but ten years later I can say that it has only made it stronger. And that, the feeling of freedom and authenticity that comes with being allowed to date others--has made me connect with her so much more deeply (and really created, for us, that sense of long-term sexual satisfaction). As a disclaimer, non-monogamy is certainly not for everyone and certainly not a solution that just "fixes" an existing relationship. But that said, I'd like to offer that this could be an area you might learn about/explore!
posted by serious cucumber at 1:55 PM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
In my experience I can relate so much to what you're saying--as another person who was a comparatively late bloomer, as (I assume) AMAB or socialized as a man, and who struggled with mental health issues as a young person that precluded the possibility of romantic relationships. Entering into a sexual relationship from this space, for me, created some pretty heavily charged expectations of how sexually gratifying my relationships would be, when they finally happened. And when I finally was in my first long term relationship, I definitely experienced the disorientation of the initial sexual charge sort of dropping out from under me. This leads me to my next points; I started noticing myself being extremely sexually attracted to other people than my partner. And yet, I loved my partner and really wanted to stay with her because I found she had rare and exceptional qualities that really mattered to me. My attraction to her has waxed and waned over the years, but one thing I've noticed, is that the more I could be truthful with her, the more we could feel connected, and the more we were authentically connected, those sort of primal sexual drives tended to return. I'm still with this partner today (after 10 years). I guess the part I've left out here is... how did I resolve my sexual attraction to others? Especially when it seemed to happen in concert with dips in my attraction to her? In short...
Learning about polyamory and non-monogamy. The idea that my one partner doesn't, and can't, mean and be everything to me; that I can love and be connected to that person and then also meaningfully explore my sexual attraction to others; that if we're sexually incompatible, or our compatibilities and desires drift, we can still love each other in the other ways that we do and which are so important to us.
I'm not necessarily here to say that non-monogamy is the answer for you, but I'd like to offer that it could be something worth learning about and exploring.
You can love your partner, be truthful to them, and explore your attraction to other people, with everyone's informed consent.
In my case... I found that the advice of "spicing things up in the bedroom" not only rang hollow for me, but that it also became a sort of prison that made me even resent my partner, until I became more truthful to myself and my desires, and accepted that I'm non-monogamous by nature. When I first brought this up to my partner, I was prepared for the possibility that it might end our relationship, but ten years later I can say that it has only made it stronger. And that, the feeling of freedom and authenticity that comes with being allowed to date others--has made me connect with her so much more deeply (and really created, for us, that sense of long-term sexual satisfaction). As a disclaimer, non-monogamy is certainly not for everyone and certainly not a solution that just "fixes" an existing relationship. But that said, I'd like to offer that this could be an area you might learn about/explore!
posted by serious cucumber at 1:55 PM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think everyone makes really good points! I'm in the camp of "if I were she, I'd want you to end the relationships so I can move on." I can also say that I'm polyamorous/non-monogamous so I will always be attracted multiple people at once and now make it clear with dating, even in a potential serious relationship, that I will always want to date multiple people (as they can too, of course!) What's hard is that you don't have a lot of experience to know what you want beyond what you have now: I'm not saying that experience is necessary to know but you don't know right now and might know more if you had more said dating and relationship experience. Yes, sexual attraction can fade over a relationship to change so much in just one year is pretty fast to me. I think you should discuss this all with her so she can decide what's best for her. Perhaps she's happy with less sex or perhaps it'll be heartbreaking. Either way, this isn't the type of secret that's kind or healthy for either of you. I'm sorry it's hard and I wish you luck! People can be kind and lovely but that doesn't mean they're right for you -- or you're right for them!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:46 PM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 2:46 PM on March 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
The book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel discusses this a bit, I suggest it
I once ended a relationship in part because I didn't feel as attracted to the person as I did when I first met them, even though the love was still there. I missed them for a bit but wouldn't say I regret it. I think of them fondly. In this case their appearence did change a lot over the course of when we were together, though, so it's not exactly the same. I did NOT tell them this was the reason for the breakup and that was the right decision.
I always try to interrogate why my own feelings about a person have changed, which helps me decide what to do and also figure out what my needs are and whether they are realistic. I think some people are more inclined to become less attracted the more familiar they are with a partner, which is good information to have about yourself. It doesn't have to mean you're poly, though, it can also mean you're suited to shorter term monogamous relationships with less time spent together, an that's fine.
posted by CancerSucks at 4:30 PM on March 23, 2023
I once ended a relationship in part because I didn't feel as attracted to the person as I did when I first met them, even though the love was still there. I missed them for a bit but wouldn't say I regret it. I think of them fondly. In this case their appearence did change a lot over the course of when we were together, though, so it's not exactly the same. I did NOT tell them this was the reason for the breakup and that was the right decision.
I always try to interrogate why my own feelings about a person have changed, which helps me decide what to do and also figure out what my needs are and whether they are realistic. I think some people are more inclined to become less attracted the more familiar they are with a partner, which is good information to have about yourself. It doesn't have to mean you're poly, though, it can also mean you're suited to shorter term monogamous relationships with less time spent together, an that's fine.
posted by CancerSucks at 4:30 PM on March 23, 2023
Based on you not having a ton of relationship experience, I think you should take a break for a bit. This does not have to be permanent (but it might be, which is tough, but the world won't end.)
I would not tell your partner you are not as physically turned on. I would focus on the more general situation--you want to take some time to be alone and see how you feel, maybe date other people. When I was in a similar situation, I resisted breaking up because he was a nice guy and I felt terribly guilty. I let it drag on far too long, and it was really unfair to the other person.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:21 PM on March 23, 2023
I would not tell your partner you are not as physically turned on. I would focus on the more general situation--you want to take some time to be alone and see how you feel, maybe date other people. When I was in a similar situation, I resisted breaking up because he was a nice guy and I felt terribly guilty. I let it drag on far too long, and it was really unfair to the other person.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:21 PM on March 23, 2023
When you ask if you are going to get over this, you are asking if your relationship is worth saving. If the effort it would take to overcome this issue is worth it - and the answer is that you should try.
This is really important - it's easy to just say 'I'm not perfectly happy here so I'm out' and, while that's not a bad way to act in and of itself, it means making a decision that the great things about your relationship aren't worth dealing with the things that aren't great right now. No person and no relationship is ever perfect and, not only do you always have to balance things that are awesome with things that aren't, that equation changes back and forth over time.
If you just bail without trying, you're disrespecting yourself and your partner because you're assuming both of you are not willing to invest some work into the relationship. Putting that work in might be hard and might not work, but bailing without trying will definitely be hard. The worst thing that can happen if you honestly try is that you learn something about yourself that will help you in future relationships.
posted by dg at 5:42 PM on March 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
This is really important - it's easy to just say 'I'm not perfectly happy here so I'm out' and, while that's not a bad way to act in and of itself, it means making a decision that the great things about your relationship aren't worth dealing with the things that aren't great right now. No person and no relationship is ever perfect and, not only do you always have to balance things that are awesome with things that aren't, that equation changes back and forth over time.
If you just bail without trying, you're disrespecting yourself and your partner because you're assuming both of you are not willing to invest some work into the relationship. Putting that work in might be hard and might not work, but bailing without trying will definitely be hard. The worst thing that can happen if you honestly try is that you learn something about yourself that will help you in future relationships.
posted by dg at 5:42 PM on March 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I feel like I'm lying to her by keeping this from her, yet it's not something I can share without
sorry, why is it you think she can't tell from your behavior alone? behavior is usually more reliable than self-reporting in this area. you shouldn't insult her and use telling the truth as your excuse, no. but if she has noticed, the reason she has not brought it up herself is because she has convinced herself it can't be true or you would have said something.
unless you are still forcing yourself to sleep with her as often as ever and pretending to enjoy it, so she won't suspect? even then, I wonder why you think she can't tell, but also....don't do that.
whatever you do, remember this: you can't be dishonest in a relationship, but you can be a little dishonest in a breakup when the truth is not-nice to this degree. you can and in this case you should. when you break up with her, if you feel you must tell her the truth about why, lie to her about when. especially if it takes you another year to work yourself up to it, as I somehow suspect it may, stop sleeping with her some time BEFORE you break up. that way, if she doesn't already know you've been faking it, she never has to know.
because I promise you, if you continue to cover up your feelings so well that she's shocked to hear about it, she will ask how long you have felt that way and if you felt that way even when the two of you were last [redacted]ing. she will want specifics. and if you try to spare her feelings at that point, she will not be able to believe you even if she wants to.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:19 PM on March 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
sorry, why is it you think she can't tell from your behavior alone? behavior is usually more reliable than self-reporting in this area. you shouldn't insult her and use telling the truth as your excuse, no. but if she has noticed, the reason she has not brought it up herself is because she has convinced herself it can't be true or you would have said something.
unless you are still forcing yourself to sleep with her as often as ever and pretending to enjoy it, so she won't suspect? even then, I wonder why you think she can't tell, but also....don't do that.
whatever you do, remember this: you can't be dishonest in a relationship, but you can be a little dishonest in a breakup when the truth is not-nice to this degree. you can and in this case you should. when you break up with her, if you feel you must tell her the truth about why, lie to her about when. especially if it takes you another year to work yourself up to it, as I somehow suspect it may, stop sleeping with her some time BEFORE you break up. that way, if she doesn't already know you've been faking it, she never has to know.
because I promise you, if you continue to cover up your feelings so well that she's shocked to hear about it, she will ask how long you have felt that way and if you felt that way even when the two of you were last [redacted]ing. she will want specifics. and if you try to spare her feelings at that point, she will not be able to believe you even if she wants to.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:19 PM on March 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
If this weren't your first relationship I would say, well listen kiddo, this is where the rubber hits the road, and it's time to put in the work and the therapy to deepen the relationship.
But it is your first relationship, and first relationships are basically almost never last relationships, even when you get a late start. Break up with her as kindly as you can (honestly, if she knows she's your first relationship, she probably Also kind of expects it to be short-lived). Don't mention that it's about not being attracted to her, both because that's cruel and because actually I doubt that's really what is happening! What is happening is that your relationship has run its course; it might manifest this time as lack of attraction but that's just the symptom of you not having anything to give or take from this deal anymore.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:15 AM on March 24, 2023
But it is your first relationship, and first relationships are basically almost never last relationships, even when you get a late start. Break up with her as kindly as you can (honestly, if she knows she's your first relationship, she probably Also kind of expects it to be short-lived). Don't mention that it's about not being attracted to her, both because that's cruel and because actually I doubt that's really what is happening! What is happening is that your relationship has run its course; it might manifest this time as lack of attraction but that's just the symptom of you not having anything to give or take from this deal anymore.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:15 AM on March 24, 2023
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