giving a cute stranger my number.

September 4, 2022 3:50 PM

guys, how would you feel about a woman just cold approaching you in public and asking you out or giving you her phone number? and if this has happened to you, what happened?

for various reasons including two job-related cross country moves in 20 months and just general enjoyment of being single, I haven't been interested in meeting anyone or dating for several years.

quick recent backstory: i moved to my present city for a new job which i was then laid off from about six months later, a few months before lock down. the only person i knew before i moved here is a college bf and with whom i'm still friends. between working remotely bc of the pandemic and now in a new, remote job, i've met and/or made virtually no friends and seriously have almost no opportunities to meet ppl without a huge, concerted effort on my part. as an introvert (the most extroverted of introverts if you're into personality type assessments), i have two dogs and have lived a pretty solitary life since moving here and been content.

i started running again last year and usually log between 4-7 miles around the nearby lake nearly every morning. like most runners, i'm sure, i'm usually just mentally checked out with my headphones in when i'm running but a couple weeks ago, i passed a guy a couple of times on my run and must have clocked him subconsciously bc i've been thinking about him since and hoping i'll run into him again (i have not). so i am just wondering if it would be completely weird or off-putting, and/or unwelcome if, in the off chance i do see him again, i stopped him and introduced myself and gave him my number. i'm not particularly looking for a relationship, but wouldn't mind having someone to hang out with.

for those who need the info: i'm late 40s (universally am told i look and vibe someone in their mid-30s), petite, attractive (when i'm not a literal sweaty mess when i'm out running), several visible tats. i'm smart, sarcastic, personable, direct. i've spent a lot of time in therapy and came out great on the other side. i know myself and i like myself. the guy in question looks younger than me (the majority of guys i've dated have been younger than me—i'm pretty sure that this is bc again, ppl believe i'm a lot younger than i am).

posted by violetk to Human Relations (40 answers total)

Why not ask for his number? Ball’s in your court.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:15 PM on September 4, 2022 [3 favorites]

I'm female and asked the guy friend I'm hanging out with this afternoon, and he said he'd rather you flirted/talked first. Obviously just one person's opinion.

seriously have almost no opportunities to meet ppl without a huge, concerted effort on my part You didn't mention apps like Bumble, but the effort can be pretty minimal...
posted by pinochiette at 4:18 PM on September 4, 2022

Response by poster: I'm female and asked the guy friend I'm hanging out with this afternoon, and he said he'd rather you flirted/talked first.

can you ask your guy friend how to do this successfully when the only time you've seen this person—or are likely to see this person—is when you're on a miles-long 8am run?

You didn't mention apps like Bumble, but the effort can be pretty minimal...

bc i am not interested in dating anyone for the sake of dating. i just happened to have seen this guy on my run, and would be interested in meeting him.
posted by violetk at 4:22 PM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Why not ask for his number? Ball’s in your court.

bc i feel like i'm already interrupting him/his run and being a stranger, i don't want to put him on the spot. if someone interrupted me while i was out on a run, i wouldn't be in the likeliest mindset to want to be asked out by a stranger. i figure giving him my number will allow him time to think about whether he's interested in a coffee or whatever when he's more at leisure to think about it.
posted by violetk at 4:28 PM on September 4, 2022 [3 favorites]

Stopping someone mid-run to immediately broach seeing them socially would weird many people out and IMO it kinda violates the rules
of the track, where most people aren’t trying to be ogled. I’m a woman and if guys did that to me I would not appreciate it.

However! I don’t think it’s AT ALL out of line to work up to it. A little nod one day, a wave another day, brief comment about the weather another day and then you’re in business, and you can say you’ve liked talking to him and give him contact info. This has happened to me and while it wasn’t a love connection, I wasn’t at all creeped out and I’m still happy to run into him and chat from time to time.

NB I just realized you were asking guys, sorry! Fwiw my answer is universal I think.
posted by kapers at 4:29 PM on September 4, 2022 [43 favorites]

I think the fact that you’ve only seen him and not talked to him suggests a sexual interest, based on looks. Though I suppose you have a shared interest in running.

Bumble BFF is for meeting friends, fyi.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:52 PM on September 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

If the situation were "we both run with our headphones in all the time so we can't talk but we see each other regularly and clearly both notice each other's existence", passing him a note with your name and number as he jogs by is an amazing meet cute. But instead, it's, "I saw him one time and if I ever see him again I want to get to know him". I mean I don't think you lose anything by trying -- I don't think it's like abusive or creepy to do this -- but there's just a very small chance it'll work.

And 1000% he will perceive sexual interest here. As a married man, if someone were to do this to me, I would not hang out with them even nonsexually because come on. If I did, it would make my wife super uncomfortable, and rightfully so IMO!
posted by goingonit at 4:55 PM on September 4, 2022 [6 favorites]

I really wouldn't overthink this. Just do it, life is short. Assume he probably won't be interested, and if he does want to connect, that's a bonus. What's the worst that happens, he has to occasionally pass someone on the running path and it's a little socially awkward? He has to mildly adjust his schedule if he's really too anxious to deal with you? I suspect this answer won't be popular, but I'm young and I think it's just beyond depressing that society has become this overthought and this lonely. Like, I know people want it to be the same whether it's a woman/man approaching a man/woman, but the reality is it's not. A random man approaching a random woman has the potential to freak out a woman in a way that you're generally just not going to freak a guy out. Most men appreciate the compliment of someone's social interest, because men generally go uncomplimented in our society for various reasons.

Do be honest about what you're looking for, though. If you find him sexy, don't be like, "Wanna be pals?" That's just disingenuous. Or, if you just have this woo sense that you might connect as people, friends or otherwise, be honest about that, too. If he's equally woo, he'll like it. If he's not, whatever, he'll think you're a slight kook on the running trail that he never has to talk to again if he doesn't want.
posted by desert outpost at 4:58 PM on September 4, 2022 [36 favorites]

He will think you want to hook up, so if that’s ok I would write a note and keep it in your pocket. If you see him again, stop him, see if he wants to chat. If he seems to want to talk, use the chat to establish a connection. If he seems hurried, hand over the note and keep running.

“Hi, we passed on our runs last week and I thought you have a cool vibe. If you ever want to chat I’m at (number) and (social media handle). No worries if not! -Name”

I don’t think a man should do this to a woman, but for two non-men I think this kind of direct approach is ok.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 5:02 PM on September 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

I guess I can’t speak for all straight guys everywhere, but I’ve never met a straight single guy who would be unhappy to have a woman give him her number out of the blue. This is one of those things that guys wish would happen but never actually does. That’s not a guarantee of success, of course, but I find it hard to believe a straight single guy would have any objection.

The edge cases are if he’s not straight and/or not single. Neither is likely to go badly, but you probably won’t succeed for obvious reasons.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:02 PM on September 4, 2022 [29 favorites]

The girl I dated in college and for a total of 9 years, gave me her number in a bar and asked me to call her. At first, I did not. Then I ran into her again and she said, "Why haven't you called?" I called her that evening. Interestingly enough, she was definitely not the type to randomly hand guys her number. She told me I was the only one and I believe her. She was quite shy. She said at the bar her female friends convinced her and gave her the courage
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:10 PM on September 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

I guess I can’t speak for all straight guys everywhere, but I’ve never met a straight single guy who would be unhappy to have a woman give him her number out of the blue.

I can't say I'd be exactly unhappy, but I would think it was some kind of scam. I would not call the number, nor would I give mine.

It would be very different if I saw the person more than a few times, there had been some eye contact, etc. That is, not some rando I had never seen before. In that case I wouldn't mind at all. But still probably not call the number because mild social anxiety.

I just think this is a low-probability strategy all around, and think striking up a conversation on location would work way better. Harder to arrange, though.

(On the other hand, the worst that happens is he doesn't call, and you're no worse off than you started. So why not.)
posted by ctmf at 5:23 PM on September 4, 2022 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: i find the commenters who think that the perceived intent would be purely sexual is interesting. i mean, if we don’t know someone, the basis for wanting to get to know them necessarily starts with physical attraction, but i guess i don’t automatically then go to, well, i just want to have sex with them vs i’m interested in getting to know them better.
posted by violetk at 5:35 PM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

What you need is a pretext!
"Excuse me, I'm so sorry, have you seen a pair of sunglasses, I dropped them a few minutes ago..."
posted by dum spiro spero at 5:35 PM on September 4, 2022 [6 favorites]

I'm a guy, het cis white guy. There is a way to do this that is not creepy but the running part complicates it. Maybe stash your business card in your waistband, and as you jog by just hand it towards him? Maybe with a short hand written salutation on the back with your personal number, something like "lets grab a coffee, handsome!' As a guy, I've always been pleased when a lady makes the first move, knowing someone is into you is better than guessing.

Something like this happened to me once. I was working as a banquet waiter at a Radisson in central MA. It was a company Xmas party, and there was one cute woman around my age there. I took a dislike to her cuz I got it in my head that she knew she was the belle of the ball. When we did coffee service, she asked for tea, which is a pain in the ass when you have a pot of regular in one hand and a pot of decaff in the other.

Then the DJ dancing and drinking part of the night started and we were just bussing and cocktailing and this OTHER woman comes up to me and says "I'm not sure how to ask this cuz I'm married, but are you single?"

"Why yes, yes I am" I replied.

"And you like girls?" she continued.

"Yes, very much so" I offered truthfully. I was in waiter mode after all.

"And you don't have a girlfriend?"

"No, I do not". And she grabs my wrist and says "GREAT there is someone who wants to meet you!" and escorts me over to the cute young lady who asked for tea. They were sisters. The one who approached me the older sister, obs.

That young lady and I hit it off, dated about a year then she went to Thailand to teach English and I kept doing whatever the hell I was doing and we parted ways eventually. She taught me a lot about tea, and a few other things.

So, things like this do happen. Be prepared to just let it go if he's partnered or gay or otherwise off the market, but I advocate going for it.
posted by vrakatar at 5:47 PM on September 4, 2022 [8 favorites]

If it were me, I would just use my words. I would probably say something like the following:

"Hey! You! I've seen you around here before. That means we both go jogging around here! I'm new to town! Want to go jogging together some time?" plus a friendly, positive, genuine, and confident attitude.

I think of the ability to do this without coming off as weird as a female privilege. I think everyone who can do so (and wants to) should take full advantage of this ability to make a human connection.
posted by aniola at 6:02 PM on September 4, 2022 [13 favorites]

I would not call the number

I probably wouldn’t either, but that’s not a reason for the OP not to try. It’s a low probability strategy, but also pretty low-risk, so even if they crash and burn, they don’t lose anything.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:09 PM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

Even if you're anti-Bumble, you might want to check it out to see if this particular guy happens to be on there. The basic premise isn't really different from what you're doing here- you like the look of someone, then you hang out. Many people on there are looking for something more casual, if you don't really want to date. Anyway, my friend said he thought it would be a little less awkward if you made eye contact and smiled the first time you passed, and then stopped him to chat the next time around (or ideally later, if you're willing to risk the chance you might not run into him again.)
posted by pinochiette at 6:26 PM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

I’m a straight single woman in my late 40s, and I have done this, not to a guy I met running but to a guy I saw on a train. I handed him my card as we got off the train and said to call if he wanted. He did, we went for drinks, and it was nice! No spark, but I didn’t regret it. Go for it.
posted by saltykitten at 6:56 PM on September 4, 2022 [13 favorites]

The reason that this would read as sexual (to me, at least) is because the chance that I'll have a compelling emotional connection with any given random person is quite low — when I'm looking for a emotional connection, I focus on people who I've had some interaction with as a acquaintance/friend, since that's the only way for the odds to feel worthwhile to me. So, my assumption if someone shows interest in me without having had at least a little bit of a conversation with me first is that it's primarily physical in nature.
posted by wesleyac at 6:58 PM on September 4, 2022 [7 favorites]

I don't think it's *purely* sexual, but our culture has scripts for "how to show sexual interest in someone you haven't met" and this is one of the scripts. In 1750 it was dropping your handkerchief on the promenade in front of them and now it's giving them your telephone number.

It's not a promise of sexy times, but you're putting it on the table -- you're saying, if all goes well, sexy times are a go. And by responding, the guy would be doing the same. If it turns out not to work, fine, but if it turns out that it never could have worked, either on the initiator or the responder's side, that's against the implied rules of the game.

If you want to play a different game, play a different game. Talk to him first, or suggest a group run you can go on together. Or use aniola's script above! You're not ruling out sexy times, but you're not putting it on the table, and your guy could accept even if he has no interest in sexy times from the get go. But giving a cute stranger your telephone number is, in 2022, in the Anglosphere, an expression of sexual interest. Sorry, I don't make the rules.
posted by goingonit at 7:17 PM on September 4, 2022 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: But giving a cute stranger your telephone number is, in 2022, in the Anglosphere, an expression of sexual interest. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

i don't want to get sidetracked but i feel like ppl are getting sidetracked, as if i am saying sex is/is not on the table. i'm saying it's not a given. but this is beside the point of my question. it seems by definition, anyone asking anyone else out/anyone giving anyone else their number with the request to use it to get a coffee/drink is by definition saying, if all goes well, sexy times are a go.
posted by violetk at 7:28 PM on September 4, 2022 [3 favorites]

When I was single, I’d have loved this. Heck, still would — how flattering! — just a different answer. It’s not common (or maybe just not for me eh!), so you could classify it as “weird”; but in a good way. Guys have less to fear from being approached by a woman than vice versa, so it stands a much better chance of being well received because we’re free to be less guarded. Directness can be refreshing.
posted by breakfast burrito at 7:29 PM on September 4, 2022 [4 favorites]

> how would you feel about a woman just cold approaching you in public and asking you out or giving you her phone number?

i would probably be so utterly astonished that i would suspect it was a prank and i was being mocked or set up. but depending on the vibe and how i was doing that day i might be able to handle it? really that's more a me thing than an occurrence thing because no one on earth wants to have anything to fucking do with me so i would most likely just assume malice.

if i was on a run though? i'm not sure how that would even work, like what are you gonna do, block my path? i might just scowl and duck past.

i'm just answering the question from within my own head tho, i am an outlier adn should not be counted. don't let me discourage you from giving the cute stranger your contact info if that's what you decide.
posted by glonous keming at 9:44 PM on September 4, 2022 [1 favorite]

When I was young and single I would definitely have called the number. It might (my thinking would have run) be a longshot, but it could possibly lead to something sexual, maybe even something romantic and longterm. The chances are small that we'll be compatible, but that is the case on ANY first date. The fact someone found me sufficiently interesting to make the first move would be gratifying. The fact that it was done by passing me a note would be so charming I would probably treasure the note forever even if we didn't work out.

(P.S. as a married old fart, I would also call the number just to say I'm not available, but you made my day, and good luck. See you jogging!)
posted by wjm at 10:09 PM on September 4, 2022 [6 favorites]

As a guy I agree with kevinbelt that in theory this is every guy's dream. But then in reality I do think the running aspect make it a bit weird. Especially, if it's a loop that you regularly run on, since most people have a couple regular running loops and tend to run at the same time most days. So it is a bit weird and potentially uncomfortable.

That being said I definitely think you should go for it but I would just keep the situation in mind. Personally, I think probably the easiest if you're in the same ballparks of fitness is to run together for a minute or two while you give your pitch. It's easy for people to alter their pace to go faster or slower for a short period and it doesn't require a complete interruption of his running rhythm. I think that also gives you a little bit of time to give more background so he knows you're not a weirdo.
posted by aaabbbccc at 10:39 PM on September 4, 2022

As a straight guy, I have fond memories of the few times something similar has happened to me - even when nothing actually came of it. It's very likely that, even if he's not interested or available, you'd be brightening his day.

That said, the right way to do this is to hand him a note with your number on it - don't just verbally offer him your number, or abruptly ask him for his.
posted by kickingtheground at 10:55 PM on September 4, 2022 [2 favorites]

I just did this last week after spotting someone attractive on the train who seemed interesting. I wrote out a little note with my phone number on the back of an "I voted" sticker (they gave me like three, heh), then caught up with them after they got off the train with their friend. "Hey, I think you dropped this" was my line. I gave them a pat on the arm and ran away with my friend, heh. Got a text later, once I was home: They were taken, and devoted to their adorable partner, but very flattered and it made their night. They said they specifically appreciated the bravery it took to do it.

Go ahead. You don't really have much to lose, and it's fun to take a chance once in a while!
posted by limeonaire at 11:31 PM on September 4, 2022 [16 favorites]

You are both running! I mean, there are so many options for you here besides direct passing of number. I nod and smile to runners I see most days. I ask other runners if they know where there are toilets, if the path is still blocked, beautiful/rainy day, etc, so many options for chat and conversation.

Most people are pretty ok at being stopped occasionally. Much less awkward than never spoken, here’s my number.

If I was a woman and someone passed me their number despite never speaking to me, I would think, what a creepy weirdo.
posted by moiraine at 12:54 AM on September 5, 2022 [4 favorites]

Certainly try working up to something if you see him again. A smile, nod or wave. If you keep seeing him, you could ask whether he can recommend any other places to run or running clubs to join.

A running club could be a good way to get to know people.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 1:14 AM on September 5, 2022 [2 favorites]

This reminds me of a question from a popular Dutch advice column that appeared in a newspaper twenty years ago. I think the advice is still applicable, if you take into account your slightly different situation and adjust accordingly.
Here's a rough automatic translation into English, posted with permission:

Dear Beatrijs,

In the apartment complex where I live I sometimes meet a man who I find attractive. Once we were in the elevator together (he got out on the third floor – I live on the fifth floor). He greeted me kindly, but nothing else was said. I'd like to get to know him, but I don't know how to go about this. My friends encourage me to talk to him and invite him for a cup of coffee. They say that it is quite normal for modern women to take initiatives themselves. Yet I dare not. I think there are a lot of men who are put off by energetic women.

– Shy in the elevator

Dear Shy,

Many women also don't like it when they're in a public place minding their own business and suddenly a complete stranger jumps on their neck and wishes to share their caffeine needs. Such a direct advance always seems a bit blunt, whether it comes from a man or from a woman. This is because the person addressed in this way cannot refuse the innocent offer of a cup of coffee without portraying himself as grumpy, cold-hearted or suspicious. Nobody likes to be put on the spot like this.

That according to your friends women used to have to wait piningly for some gentleman to express his interest is a pertinent myth. Hidden camera research into acquaintance patterns between strangers in bars and cafes showed that although it is usually the gentleman who starts by addressing a lady, in almost all cases the lady had been eyeing the gentleman in question for some time. By looking at him and looking away again, by smiling a bit enigmatically globally in his direction, by brushing her hair away she apparently encourages him to action.

Now you are not in a cafe with the object of your desire, but in the hall or elevator of an apartment building. This situation lends itself poorly to flirty eye play. Speed ​​is especially important, because the gentleman in question is already getting out on the third floor. Your tactic will be the modern version of the age-old dropping of the handkerchief. Always keep a wallet with lots of change on hand. When the next encounter occurs, perform a clumsy maneuver with your wallet. Oops, an accident! Everything is on the floor! If he is a gentleman, he will prostrate himself to pick up the dimes and quarters for you. Crawling on the floor yourself, you mutter apologies and self-insults ("Sorry for the inconvenience, I'm such an idiot"). Galant as he is, he will fight this self-perception ("Ah well, that can happen to anyone"). It makes you blush. He thinks: out of embarrassment with the situation. You know better: your secret mission threatens to succeed. Now is the time to offer him a cup of coffee. Moments later, he swims into your trap.

posted by tarantara at 3:35 AM on September 5, 2022 [3 favorites]

Don’t pass him a note or business card unless you are sure he has a pocket for it. It could impact the intent if this guy has to hold a little note in his hand for however many miles he has to go.

If you want to get to know him, just match his pace, say that you’ve seen him running there often and ask if he wants to go for a run together sometime. If he declines, he is almost certainly not interested. If he agrees, he may or may not be interested, but at least you’ll have a better chance of making a friend over some miles.
posted by donut_princess at 6:24 AM on September 5, 2022 [3 favorites]

Have a couple of backup flirting options so that if this doesn’t work it’s not a big deal.
posted by mecran01 at 8:18 AM on September 5, 2022

My niece held out her phone to the guy behind the counter and said, "Put your number in." They're married now, going on five years.
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 9:47 AM on September 5, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'm a man in his 40s who is attracted to women and I would universally be flattered by such an overture. Be aware this may be one of your few gender privileges, but you are trying to use it for mutual gain, so it's all good. I completely take your point that you can't chat first so it's better to be direct and brief.

Good luck!
posted by SaltySalticid at 9:47 AM on September 5, 2022 [5 favorites]

I'm a guy. If another guy handed me his number or a business card or whatever while I was out jogging, I would not think, "Here's a guy who thinks we might have interests in common, perhaps chess, or the New England Patriots, or World War II history, and wants to discuss them as friends." I would think, "Here's a guy who finds me attractive and wants to hook up." Why do you think it would work some other way if it was a female handing out the card to the guy?
posted by Right On Red at 3:03 PM on September 5, 2022

Mid 30s straight guy here. I generally like the “hand him a note with your info while you breezily say ‘call me sometime, stranger’ before jogging off” approach but it’s 2022 - I’m not calling / texting some random number, that’s an invite to Scam City. Make sure to ask include a social media account that he can message you on as well, and ideally one with enough publicly viewable posts that he can see you’re a real enough person.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 7:02 AM on September 6, 2022 [2 favorites]

One little tip - speak something about how this interaction will need to be short (so he knows what he's signing up for if he engages). "I can only chat for a minute because I'm trying to keep up my pace, but..."
posted by jander03 at 8:29 AM on September 6, 2022 [1 favorite]

I've done similar several times, all with my business card. Script is usually, "hi, I saw you and thought you seemed interesting. I'm on my way to somewhere else, but get in touch if you're also interested. Thanks!" Nearly everyone contacts me back in the next few days, with various levels of success. One guy ended up my roommate for six years!
posted by foxtongue at 6:24 PM on September 7, 2022

Response by poster: i meant to follow up sooner but then major life changes got in the way!

i fully intended to hand the guy my number the next time i saw him but then i never did again!
posted by violetk at 12:30 PM on June 16, 2023 [2 favorites]