Online/app dating with...challenges
January 26, 2022 9:03 PM Subscribe
I know there are a ton of asks like this, but i need some advice on this so here goes. In 2019, I finished a long, terrible divorce that ended a ten-year relationship. I had extraordinarily stressful year after that and never did the post-divorce nihilistic sex thing that people do. Then there was a pandemic. I’m recently interested in maybe possibly considering having some dates or sexytimes with someone, but…
1. I’m in my mid 40s and haven’t been on a first date since before swipey dating apps were in wide use. I don’t usually feel old, but I feel like I’ve aged out of dating.
2. I’m not hot. I’m not flee-the-premises repulsive or anything, I’m just a person, but I am doubtful that most people would pick me at a glance.
3. I am a half-time single parent of a young kid and have a complicated custody schedule, and for Reasons I don’t want anyone I get involved with to interact at all with said kid for a LONG time, if ever. I also have a challenging career. I feel like my schedule and bandwidth limitations would be a dealbreaker, even for perfectly reasonable people.
4. I'm not exactly a public figure, but I'm not exactly not - I have a very visible public service job and a unique-to-me name, so any kind of anonymity in dating is basically impossible.
5. I'm in the same dating pool as my ex-wife, whose behavior during and after our divorce really messed me up.
6. We are STILL having a damn pandemic.
I’m a queer cis woman, a reasonably smart and cool human with interesting hobbies and good Wordle scores and nice pants, and not interested in any kind of immersive or fast-moving relationship. I’m just really tired of the fact that the last person I had sex with was my mean ex-wife. But where and how does someone like me, with all this baggage AND a global health emergency that means no one is meeting organically, try to find people to do datey/sexy things with? How would I explain that I'm a big bucket of dealbreakers in a profile yet still sound appealing? Is this even possible/worth the effort to try? Help!
1. I’m in my mid 40s and haven’t been on a first date since before swipey dating apps were in wide use. I don’t usually feel old, but I feel like I’ve aged out of dating.
2. I’m not hot. I’m not flee-the-premises repulsive or anything, I’m just a person, but I am doubtful that most people would pick me at a glance.
3. I am a half-time single parent of a young kid and have a complicated custody schedule, and for Reasons I don’t want anyone I get involved with to interact at all with said kid for a LONG time, if ever. I also have a challenging career. I feel like my schedule and bandwidth limitations would be a dealbreaker, even for perfectly reasonable people.
4. I'm not exactly a public figure, but I'm not exactly not - I have a very visible public service job and a unique-to-me name, so any kind of anonymity in dating is basically impossible.
5. I'm in the same dating pool as my ex-wife, whose behavior during and after our divorce really messed me up.
6. We are STILL having a damn pandemic.
I’m a queer cis woman, a reasonably smart and cool human with interesting hobbies and good Wordle scores and nice pants, and not interested in any kind of immersive or fast-moving relationship. I’m just really tired of the fact that the last person I had sex with was my mean ex-wife. But where and how does someone like me, with all this baggage AND a global health emergency that means no one is meeting organically, try to find people to do datey/sexy things with? How would I explain that I'm a big bucket of dealbreakers in a profile yet still sound appealing? Is this even possible/worth the effort to try? Help!
I've recommended it here before but the Lex app might work for you. It's for queer/trans/non-binary people and functions completely differently from the swipey Tinder style apps. You write an ad, you can be as anonymous as you like, there's no photos, and it seems people are successfully using it to get hookups/play partners/low key dating/FWBs on their own terms. Everyone also seems pretty smart and aware of Covid safety. There are people of all ages looking for all kinds of different things on there. It's much less icky-feeling than Tinder and its ilk.
Cons:
The demographic skews younger and it probably depends on the area you live in how much activity you'll actually have available to you.
There's no blocking option like Tinder has (blocking contacts in your phone- on Lex you can only block users) so it's not beyond the bounds of possibility you might encounter your ex-wife there.
In terms of your actual strategy- you don't need to sell yourself OR denigrate yourself by listing all your self-perceived deal-breakers. You can describe what you're interested in and what you're looking to find, and state any hard "No"s of your own! Remember you are dating for your own benefit too, and you don't need to apologise for being who you are. Just keep the lines of communication open and be clear about what you want and what you have to offer.
posted by Balthamos at 12:14 AM on January 27, 2022 [6 favorites]
Cons:
The demographic skews younger and it probably depends on the area you live in how much activity you'll actually have available to you.
There's no blocking option like Tinder has (blocking contacts in your phone- on Lex you can only block users) so it's not beyond the bounds of possibility you might encounter your ex-wife there.
In terms of your actual strategy- you don't need to sell yourself OR denigrate yourself by listing all your self-perceived deal-breakers. You can describe what you're interested in and what you're looking to find, and state any hard "No"s of your own! Remember you are dating for your own benefit too, and you don't need to apologise for being who you are. Just keep the lines of communication open and be clear about what you want and what you have to offer.
posted by Balthamos at 12:14 AM on January 27, 2022 [6 favorites]
Ask your friends to set you up
posted by Jacqueline at 5:09 AM on January 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 5:09 AM on January 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m a queer cis woman, a reasonably smart and cool human with interesting hobbies and good Wordle scores and nice pants, and not interested in any kind of immersive or fast-moving relationship
Copy and paste that into your dating profiles. You sound like a lovely human.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 5:13 AM on January 27, 2022 [40 favorites]
As a queer single woman on dating apps - be specific that you aren’t looking for something serious, you can specify that. You can specify a lot of things (although if you are too specific that eliminates a lot of people). And you don’t need to tell people right off the bat anything at all about “baggage”, especially if you’re just looking for dates and sexy times. Have a friend take some flattering photos of you and go for it.
posted by BooneTheCowboyToy at 5:52 AM on January 27, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by BooneTheCowboyToy at 5:52 AM on January 27, 2022 [4 favorites]
To me number 4 is the only special challenge.
Being a single parent with a job and a history is hard, but it's not unique. It's just what life is for many, many people in the dating pool. Also, for me and many others, 'hot' is most connected to someone's energy, confidence, warmth, style, etc... not their proximity to arbitrary beauty standards.
When I was last dating I kept telling people how flawed I was. I felt so injured by my previous relationship I wanted to preempt any criticism. But try to drop that and find your confident self that you bring to work, parenting, etc.
Along with apps, considering putting the word out to trusted buddies and comrades that you're dating and open to being matched up.
You got this!
posted by latkes at 6:24 AM on January 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
Being a single parent with a job and a history is hard, but it's not unique. It's just what life is for many, many people in the dating pool. Also, for me and many others, 'hot' is most connected to someone's energy, confidence, warmth, style, etc... not their proximity to arbitrary beauty standards.
When I was last dating I kept telling people how flawed I was. I felt so injured by my previous relationship I wanted to preempt any criticism. But try to drop that and find your confident self that you bring to work, parenting, etc.
Along with apps, considering putting the word out to trusted buddies and comrades that you're dating and open to being matched up.
You got this!
posted by latkes at 6:24 AM on January 27, 2022 [5 favorites]
Late 40's cis male with nine years in the dating pool after nearly 20 partnered perspective:
1. I’m in my mid 40s and haven’t been on a first date since before swipey dating apps were in wide use. I don’t usually feel old, but I feel like I’ve aged out of dating.
Yup - we all do. And the honest truth is I happened to open my dating profile at the age of 39 and felt a drop-off in hits and interest eight months later when I turned 40. But, the reality is there are lots of us out there looking for connection of every age and your future partners feel just like you do on this one.
2. I’m not hot. I’m not flee-the-premises repulsive or anything, I’m just a person, but I am doubtful that most people would pick me at a glance.
I'm in the same boat, and I'm lucky if 1 in 10 of my initial messages on a dating app even gets a response, much less leading to a conversation and date. But, I have also been with people who have found me very sexy. You are just looking for that person.
3. I am a half-time single parent of a young kid and have a complicated custody schedule, and for Reasons I don’t want anyone I get involved with to interact at all with said kid for a LONG time, if ever. I also have a challenging career. I feel like my schedule and bandwidth limitations would be a dealbreaker, even for perfectly reasonable people.
Way less than you think. Maybe for some people, but they aren't for you. I've learned that when dating single moms I don't expect to even meet the kids until about six months in, and have only had one relationship that went longer than that. As someone who always wanted to be a Dad it isn't easy, but the slow or never relationship with the kids is absolutely the expectation - as are complicated adult schedules, on both sides.
4. I'm not exactly a public figure, but I'm not exactly not - I have a very visible public service job and a unique-to-me name, so any kind of anonymity in dating is basically impossible.
That's going to be down to your tolerance for public awareness of who you are. You are correct that you don't have anonymity in this way. On the other hand I know of public figures (as in voted into office) who still choose to do the dating app thing. This may also come down to how much your community will accept your identity if put out publicly in that way.
5. I'm in the same dating pool as my ex-wife, whose behavior during and after our divorce really messed me up.
Ouch and sympathies. If you use the same app it will at some point match you, so be prepared for that. And people are curious by nature and may ask about that as well. The way you talk about your own needs here already comes off well for your having good dating answers.
6. We are STILL having a damn pandemic.
Yeah, wish I had good advice on this one. It's still possible to start a conversation, plan a walk together, and see where it goes from there.
posted by meinvt at 6:56 AM on January 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
1. I’m in my mid 40s and haven’t been on a first date since before swipey dating apps were in wide use. I don’t usually feel old, but I feel like I’ve aged out of dating.
Yup - we all do. And the honest truth is I happened to open my dating profile at the age of 39 and felt a drop-off in hits and interest eight months later when I turned 40. But, the reality is there are lots of us out there looking for connection of every age and your future partners feel just like you do on this one.
2. I’m not hot. I’m not flee-the-premises repulsive or anything, I’m just a person, but I am doubtful that most people would pick me at a glance.
I'm in the same boat, and I'm lucky if 1 in 10 of my initial messages on a dating app even gets a response, much less leading to a conversation and date. But, I have also been with people who have found me very sexy. You are just looking for that person.
3. I am a half-time single parent of a young kid and have a complicated custody schedule, and for Reasons I don’t want anyone I get involved with to interact at all with said kid for a LONG time, if ever. I also have a challenging career. I feel like my schedule and bandwidth limitations would be a dealbreaker, even for perfectly reasonable people.
Way less than you think. Maybe for some people, but they aren't for you. I've learned that when dating single moms I don't expect to even meet the kids until about six months in, and have only had one relationship that went longer than that. As someone who always wanted to be a Dad it isn't easy, but the slow or never relationship with the kids is absolutely the expectation - as are complicated adult schedules, on both sides.
4. I'm not exactly a public figure, but I'm not exactly not - I have a very visible public service job and a unique-to-me name, so any kind of anonymity in dating is basically impossible.
That's going to be down to your tolerance for public awareness of who you are. You are correct that you don't have anonymity in this way. On the other hand I know of public figures (as in voted into office) who still choose to do the dating app thing. This may also come down to how much your community will accept your identity if put out publicly in that way.
5. I'm in the same dating pool as my ex-wife, whose behavior during and after our divorce really messed me up.
Ouch and sympathies. If you use the same app it will at some point match you, so be prepared for that. And people are curious by nature and may ask about that as well. The way you talk about your own needs here already comes off well for your having good dating answers.
6. We are STILL having a damn pandemic.
Yeah, wish I had good advice on this one. It's still possible to start a conversation, plan a walk together, and see where it goes from there.
posted by meinvt at 6:56 AM on January 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am a half-time single parent of a young kid and have a complicated custody schedule, and for Reasons I don’t want anyone I get involved with to interact at all with said kid for a LONG time, if ever.
Plenty of people would be more alarmed if you did want them to meet your kids on a short timeline! And frankly, if anyone is put off by you not wanting to bring them into your kids' lives after five minutes of dating, it's a giant red flag.
I also have a challenging career. I feel like my schedule and bandwidth limitations would be a dealbreaker, even for perfectly reasonable people.
I think you'll find a lot of other people also have this limitation; we're all busy! Which means folks will 100% get it and you'll just both figure out how to work around it if you dig each other.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 7:36 AM on January 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
Plenty of people would be more alarmed if you did want them to meet your kids on a short timeline! And frankly, if anyone is put off by you not wanting to bring them into your kids' lives after five minutes of dating, it's a giant red flag.
I also have a challenging career. I feel like my schedule and bandwidth limitations would be a dealbreaker, even for perfectly reasonable people.
I think you'll find a lot of other people also have this limitation; we're all busy! Which means folks will 100% get it and you'll just both figure out how to work around it if you dig each other.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 7:36 AM on January 27, 2022 [2 favorites]
You don't think of yourself as hot. Get a great haircut, get a facial every month for a while, get somebody to help you with wardrobe, even existing clothes you may have that you've forgotten are flattering. If you really want, get your eyebrows done where they use a special razor to make them appear thicker, and have them tinted. If you wear makeup, get fresh advice. Part of looking great is believing you look great, and that stuff really helps. Get really good photos.
It sounds like your relationship and divorce really took so much out of you. Do affirmations, make lists of your accomplishments and good points, exercise a little every day, and whatever else you can to purge that toxic crap; it weighs so much and is a drag to carry. You sound terrific.
posted by theora55 at 10:00 AM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your relationship and divorce really took so much out of you. Do affirmations, make lists of your accomplishments and good points, exercise a little every day, and whatever else you can to purge that toxic crap; it weighs so much and is a drag to carry. You sound terrific.
posted by theora55 at 10:00 AM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hey there. I'm a cis woman in my later 40s and have been dating a few years now, post-divorce. I'm mostly straight, so I can't speak to dating as a queer person, but do you really think everyone our age who is dating is super hot? Like, you have to be Jennifer Aniston to be on the apps and find people who want to spend sexy time with you? Surely there are women you find attractive and interesting who aren't conventionally hot. Right? You said most people wouldn't pick you at a glance. Well, you might not pick most people at a glance either, so let's move past that standard.
Also, guess what? Lots of folks our age have kids, and most aren't introducing kids to dates right away. Like, this is pretty common! Also, lots of folks our age are balancing kids and careers. You said bandwidth limitations could be a dealbreaker, but for whom? Someone who also has kids and a career and isn't looking to go all in with someone right away right now? They might be relieved you aren't wanting to move in on the second date, you know? You're thinking a lot about why someone why not want you, but likely not thinking about who you might be interested in dating. That person or those people also have a history of relationships. It's not like they're all perfect and you're somehow damaged, trying to find the scraps of people who might be interested.
I think you are maybe remembering dating as a young person, and comparing yourself now to what you wanted then, or your perception of what others wanted then. So many people our age are dating and having fun sex and romantic relationships and heartbreak and so on.
A few years ago, immediately post-divorce, I felt similar to you, that I was too old to be dating, or that no one would be interested in me. Nope! I know you're still likely reeling from your divorce, and I am hoping you can shift your mindset around this. Do you have any single friends your age who are dating? It might be good to chat with them about all this. Some folks do get super down on it all, and I don't recommend extended conversations with them because that can be a real drag (I think some people bring a lot of negative energy into the apps and their dating, and then their negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy).
You sound lovely and charming, and I bet that will come across to others as well. Make sure you have a few good photos, and be clear in your profile about what you want ("Looking for something casual" might mean just sex to some people; "looking for low key dating" or some other line can work too; you can also adjust your profile and language as you read others' profiles). Keep it positive and light and have fun.
You're fine. You're wonderful. You are a lovely human deserving of sexy times and connection or whatever it is you want right now. Nice pants and wordle skills are hot.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:32 PM on January 27, 2022 [7 favorites]
Also, guess what? Lots of folks our age have kids, and most aren't introducing kids to dates right away. Like, this is pretty common! Also, lots of folks our age are balancing kids and careers. You said bandwidth limitations could be a dealbreaker, but for whom? Someone who also has kids and a career and isn't looking to go all in with someone right away right now? They might be relieved you aren't wanting to move in on the second date, you know? You're thinking a lot about why someone why not want you, but likely not thinking about who you might be interested in dating. That person or those people also have a history of relationships. It's not like they're all perfect and you're somehow damaged, trying to find the scraps of people who might be interested.
I think you are maybe remembering dating as a young person, and comparing yourself now to what you wanted then, or your perception of what others wanted then. So many people our age are dating and having fun sex and romantic relationships and heartbreak and so on.
A few years ago, immediately post-divorce, I felt similar to you, that I was too old to be dating, or that no one would be interested in me. Nope! I know you're still likely reeling from your divorce, and I am hoping you can shift your mindset around this. Do you have any single friends your age who are dating? It might be good to chat with them about all this. Some folks do get super down on it all, and I don't recommend extended conversations with them because that can be a real drag (I think some people bring a lot of negative energy into the apps and their dating, and then their negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy).
You sound lovely and charming, and I bet that will come across to others as well. Make sure you have a few good photos, and be clear in your profile about what you want ("Looking for something casual" might mean just sex to some people; "looking for low key dating" or some other line can work too; you can also adjust your profile and language as you read others' profiles). Keep it positive and light and have fun.
You're fine. You're wonderful. You are a lovely human deserving of sexy times and connection or whatever it is you want right now. Nice pants and wordle skills are hot.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:32 PM on January 27, 2022 [7 favorites]
Judging from this post, your writing is delightful. I’m not looking and we aren’t in each other’s markets anyway but I’d buy you an espresso and listen to your stories.
posted by clew at 1:06 PM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by clew at 1:06 PM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also, I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I suspect some of what you're dealing with is internalized ageism. Like this idea that dating is for the young... No, no it's not.
Also, a friend of mine left a very unhappy marriage in November 2020 and has had an amazing time having a great sex life with several partners over the past 14 or so months, and has managed to keep covid-free and has managed to keep parenting his kids. Covid conversations are sorta like STI conversations in dating right now. Maybe the first date is a walk or visit to an outdoor coffee shop rather than a drink inside, but when you are ready to escalate, you can talk about all this.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:21 PM on January 27, 2022 [4 favorites]
Also, a friend of mine left a very unhappy marriage in November 2020 and has had an amazing time having a great sex life with several partners over the past 14 or so months, and has managed to keep covid-free and has managed to keep parenting his kids. Covid conversations are sorta like STI conversations in dating right now. Maybe the first date is a walk or visit to an outdoor coffee shop rather than a drink inside, but when you are ready to escalate, you can talk about all this.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:21 PM on January 27, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hi there - I'm in a very similar situation (although things with my ex are amicable) - 40's, cis gay woman, first time dating since I was in my 20's, fairly uncertain about how dating via apps in 2022 works. But all the advice about most people having baggage of some sort at 'our age' seems to be super true in my limited experience! I've found that you need to be fairly thick-skinned in terms of messaging/expecting replies but that there are genuine people out there. Practically in pandemic terms - first meetups I've always suggested a walk and takeaway coffee or similar with a relatively short timeframe. I feel like first meetup is really just that - to meet and make sure we are both actual people, rather than a high-pressure 'date'. Hardest part has been that it's generally cold and wet in my part of the world!
I also felt like I was too old, too grey, too boring, but that is slowly changing - after a bit of heartbreak/feeling like a teenager but I think the whole thing was good for my confidence in the end!
Like others, I think your question is well-written and if you put anything like that in your profile, you should be good! Also thanks for posting as the advice is helpful for many of us I'm sure.
If you want to PM for any more specific details happy to chat. I've found it helpful to be able to talk about this with my friends doing the same thing - although they are straight women dating men, so I feel like it's not always a similar dynamic.
posted by sedimentary_deer at 12:41 AM on January 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I also felt like I was too old, too grey, too boring, but that is slowly changing - after a bit of heartbreak/feeling like a teenager but I think the whole thing was good for my confidence in the end!
Like others, I think your question is well-written and if you put anything like that in your profile, you should be good! Also thanks for posting as the advice is helpful for many of us I'm sure.
If you want to PM for any more specific details happy to chat. I've found it helpful to be able to talk about this with my friends doing the same thing - although they are straight women dating men, so I feel like it's not always a similar dynamic.
posted by sedimentary_deer at 12:41 AM on January 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 10:04 PM on January 26, 2022 [11 favorites]