College across the country - what do we need to know?
April 18, 2022 11:41 AM Subscribe
My spouse and I are delighted that our younger child will be attending college across the country. This will be a new experience for anyone in our immediate or extended family and friend circles. What do we need to know about having a child attend college on the other side of the country?
Some potentially salient details:
- We'll be flying west to assist with the move-in next August, although she will likely go out a week earlier for a new student orientation;
- We're in Maryland and the college in is Oregon;
- We have friends in the community in which the school is located, who can be a resource in an emergency and/or for storage of clothing and other items between semesters;
- She will not have a car;
- We'd like to see her at least once during each semester, at least initially, whether here on the East Coast or with us heading out west;
- We are not wedded to having her return home for Thanksgiving as an opportunity to see her during the fall semester;
- We believe that the college will have good support for our child with respect to issues that affect many students (e.g., what it takes to get used to the weather of the PNW) and that affect her personally and directly (primarily, that she is transgender).
Any ideas and thoughts, no matter how mundane, would be very welcome. Thank you.
Some potentially salient details:
- We'll be flying west to assist with the move-in next August, although she will likely go out a week earlier for a new student orientation;
- We're in Maryland and the college in is Oregon;
- We have friends in the community in which the school is located, who can be a resource in an emergency and/or for storage of clothing and other items between semesters;
- She will not have a car;
- We'd like to see her at least once during each semester, at least initially, whether here on the East Coast or with us heading out west;
- We are not wedded to having her return home for Thanksgiving as an opportunity to see her during the fall semester;
- We believe that the college will have good support for our child with respect to issues that affect many students (e.g., what it takes to get used to the weather of the PNW) and that affect her personally and directly (primarily, that she is transgender).
Any ideas and thoughts, no matter how mundane, would be very welcome. Thank you.
If she will be living in campus housing, find out about both long breaks and short breaks. At my college, students were allowed to stay over short breaks (Thanksgiving, Memorial Day, etc.) but expected to vacate for long breaks (Christmas/winter, spring break). There were times I had nowhere to go, if I wasn't planning to return home over those breaks. And my parents sure weren't flying me home for spring break.
I personally am not a fan of parents visiting during college, although I realize I'm an outlier here and who knows if my thoughts will change when my own kids get to college. If she's got a good head on her shoulders, it's your time to step back and let her shine on her own.
posted by Liesl at 11:55 AM on April 18, 2022 [15 favorites]
I personally am not a fan of parents visiting during college, although I realize I'm an outlier here and who knows if my thoughts will change when my own kids get to college. If she's got a good head on her shoulders, it's your time to step back and let her shine on her own.
posted by Liesl at 11:55 AM on April 18, 2022 [15 favorites]
If your child is staying in a dorm, I would find out if the dorm closes for any breaks or holidays. My small college would close all the dorms for some breaks you wouldn't have expected and have all the international students in temporary housing a few times a year. And similar nonsense for dorms closed Christmas day, but exams at 7pm Christmas eve, although I think they finally fixed the exam schedules.
Ditto for cafeteria, if there aren't other places nearby.
posted by TheAdamist at 11:56 AM on April 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Ditto for cafeteria, if there aren't other places nearby.
posted by TheAdamist at 11:56 AM on April 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Is she 18? If not, is there anything she's going to need parental approval for that you can take care of in advance?
Does she have a credit card?
How will she get home if there's a family emergency on the east coast?
Any life skills she needs to work on - laundry, dorm-level cooking, social niceties?
posted by momus_window at 11:57 AM on April 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Does she have a credit card?
How will she get home if there's a family emergency on the east coast?
Any life skills she needs to work on - laundry, dorm-level cooking, social niceties?
posted by momus_window at 11:57 AM on April 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
Here's some tips that helped us when my kid went to Michigan from DC:
- Sign your kid up for TSA Precheck for quicker check ins at the airport. Sign them up for frequent flyer miles too.
- Get the phone number of a roommate for emergency use only. Stick to the emergency use only.
- We got my kid a safe for his room that fit his laptop and some of his important docs.
- Find a bank that is near the school.
- Think about power of attorney stuff for medical reasons.
It's seems like so far away at first, but those years fly by.
posted by jraz at 11:59 AM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
- Sign your kid up for TSA Precheck for quicker check ins at the airport. Sign them up for frequent flyer miles too.
- Get the phone number of a roommate for emergency use only. Stick to the emergency use only.
- We got my kid a safe for his room that fit his laptop and some of his important docs.
- Find a bank that is near the school.
- Think about power of attorney stuff for medical reasons.
It's seems like so far away at first, but those years fly by.
posted by jraz at 11:59 AM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
I went to college 1000 miles away from my parents.
My dad saved the funny pages from the local paper, shove them into a big envelope that he'd doodle on, and mailed them to me every couple weeks for several months. ("Dad, these are all online now!" but it was the thought that counted, and I appreciated it.)
What I really would have liked was a care package with Stuff From Home, though, and I'm not even a homesick sorta person. My peers were getting cookies, little gifts, etc, with notes from their families about what folks were up to, etc. I asked my mom ONE TIME if they could send me cookies, or a little snack or something, and my mom told me "they'll be stale by the time they get there, we can give you money to go buy cookies if you're hungry." Which...I didn't really need, and absolutely isn't the same thing. Is mailing cookies 1000 miles impractical? Yes. But demonstrating that you care about your kids is usually impractical.
Basically if you find yourself using the distance as an excuse to do something your kid says she needs from you, really think about it.
posted by phunniemee at 12:05 PM on April 18, 2022 [22 favorites]
My dad saved the funny pages from the local paper, shove them into a big envelope that he'd doodle on, and mailed them to me every couple weeks for several months. ("Dad, these are all online now!" but it was the thought that counted, and I appreciated it.)
What I really would have liked was a care package with Stuff From Home, though, and I'm not even a homesick sorta person. My peers were getting cookies, little gifts, etc, with notes from their families about what folks were up to, etc. I asked my mom ONE TIME if they could send me cookies, or a little snack or something, and my mom told me "they'll be stale by the time they get there, we can give you money to go buy cookies if you're hungry." Which...I didn't really need, and absolutely isn't the same thing. Is mailing cookies 1000 miles impractical? Yes. But demonstrating that you care about your kids is usually impractical.
Basically if you find yourself using the distance as an excuse to do something your kid says she needs from you, really think about it.
posted by phunniemee at 12:05 PM on April 18, 2022 [22 favorites]
The two things that stick out to me as distinct from regular kid-going-to-college scenarios are the time change and the travel. With the latter, flying is really going to be the only way you are going to see each other, so start thinking of yourselves as frequent flyers. If you're not already, sign up yourself, your spouse, and your kid with all the major airlines' frequent flyer programs. They're usually free to sign up. Even if you have a preferred airline, sign up for all of them, in case a flight gets cancelled or something. If you can handle it, get the associated credit cards. Accumulate miles so that you can work toward free flights. The Points Guy is the go-to online resource for questions and tips about frequent flyer miles.
Make sure you have transportation to and from the airport for both yourselves and your kid accounted for. For your kid, that's probably just going to be Ubers, but you'll probably want to rent a car. Again, sign up for the loyalty program(s) to earn points toward free rentals. And have a backup plan for when Uber isn't reliable. If she has a flight delayed and doesn't get home until 3am, is she going to want to stand around waiting for an Uber?
Likewise hotels. If there's a hotel near campus, join their loyalty program to earn free nights. It might be worth finding either an Airbnb or a Residence Inn-type place so that you can have a kitchen, in case she misses home cooking.
As for the time difference, it's really not that hard, but you do have to train yourself to be aware of it. Don't call her at 9am your time; she's not awake. And ask her not to call you at 10pm her time; you're not awake. There are little nuances, too. You might be getting ready for bed while she's still out to dinner, or you might be eating dinner while she's got an afternoon break. I don't know how much this matters in the age of streaming TV, but back in the day TV shows aired at different times on the east and west coasts. If you watch something like Jeopardy! together, you might finish an episode several hours before it starts with her. It's not a huge deal, but it's a little thing that, if you've never had to deal with it, is kind of irritating for a while.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:18 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Make sure you have transportation to and from the airport for both yourselves and your kid accounted for. For your kid, that's probably just going to be Ubers, but you'll probably want to rent a car. Again, sign up for the loyalty program(s) to earn points toward free rentals. And have a backup plan for when Uber isn't reliable. If she has a flight delayed and doesn't get home until 3am, is she going to want to stand around waiting for an Uber?
Likewise hotels. If there's a hotel near campus, join their loyalty program to earn free nights. It might be worth finding either an Airbnb or a Residence Inn-type place so that you can have a kitchen, in case she misses home cooking.
As for the time difference, it's really not that hard, but you do have to train yourself to be aware of it. Don't call her at 9am your time; she's not awake. And ask her not to call you at 10pm her time; you're not awake. There are little nuances, too. You might be getting ready for bed while she's still out to dinner, or you might be eating dinner while she's got an afternoon break. I don't know how much this matters in the age of streaming TV, but back in the day TV shows aired at different times on the east and west coasts. If you watch something like Jeopardy! together, you might finish an episode several hours before it starts with her. It's not a huge deal, but it's a little thing that, if you've never had to deal with it, is kind of irritating for a while.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:18 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Realize that feelings about having you visit or them going home may change just a week or two before. I remember years when going home for thanksgiving was the light at the end of the tunnel and other where I had committed to going home but just wanted to stay and hang with my friends (specifically the one where my boyfriend was staying in town and a friend was house sitting a place with a hot tub).
Find out what percentage of kids are from a place within a couple of hours away. I never even considered that perhaps parents would come to college plays or concerts, but for those with parents who were only a 2 hour drive away, that was a reasonable thing.
If you do visit, rent a car and bring them off campus and have them invite a friend to come to dinner with you (your treat). It can be less embarrassing but also a way to connect.
posted by raccoon409 at 12:19 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Find out what percentage of kids are from a place within a couple of hours away. I never even considered that perhaps parents would come to college plays or concerts, but for those with parents who were only a 2 hour drive away, that was a reasonable thing.
If you do visit, rent a car and bring them off campus and have them invite a friend to come to dinner with you (your treat). It can be less embarrassing but also a way to connect.
posted by raccoon409 at 12:19 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oh, teach them how to actually use health insurance or go to a doctor if they need something beyond campus health. Granted this was pre- Uber and smart phones but I still remember how scared I was when I had a weird dental thing occur and I had no idea how to get a ride over there or where I could even go for an emergency dental issue.
(This is very school dependent. It wouldn’t have been an issue at all where I went to grad school, but my undergrad experience was at a very small liberal arts college that basically only provided birth control and strep tests on campus)
posted by raccoon409 at 12:21 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
(This is very school dependent. It wouldn’t have been an issue at all where I went to grad school, but my undergrad experience was at a very small liberal arts college that basically only provided birth control and strep tests on campus)
posted by raccoon409 at 12:21 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
One thing that occurs to me is that if she is attending a school that is specifically supportive of trans people chances are high that this will be A) the group in which she finds her first close friends and B) where she will encounter peers who don’t have such excellently supportive parents as she clearly has. Do some thinking ahead of time about boundaries and what types of generosity you are willing to provide. When I was finding my queer peers back in the ancient days of the early oughts there was a lot of “oh my mom will be your mom, too!” and “come stay with us for Christmas so you don’t have to put on boy clothes for your grandma” and whatnot. It’s sweet and cute but can also be presumptive in uncomfortable ways. If you’re clear with your kid about what is and isn’t okay you will also be modeling healthy boundaries for her, too. I bet you’re going to be providing Parental Advice for more than just the one kid, though.
There will probably be some form of contact that she finds easiest or least stressful. Try to utilize that. Like, maybe there will be an ongoing family group chat, or maybe she will prefer to do a video call every Wednesday afternoon and not really get in touch other times, or maybe you communicate through pictures of hamsters and frogs sent over text. Who knows! Regardless, try to reciprocate in the technological way she reaches out to you.
posted by Mizu at 12:45 PM on April 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
There will probably be some form of contact that she finds easiest or least stressful. Try to utilize that. Like, maybe there will be an ongoing family group chat, or maybe she will prefer to do a video call every Wednesday afternoon and not really get in touch other times, or maybe you communicate through pictures of hamsters and frogs sent over text. Who knows! Regardless, try to reciprocate in the technological way she reaches out to you.
posted by Mizu at 12:45 PM on April 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
Does she have her own room at your home currently? Make sure she's aware if you have plans to eventually convert the room to a different purpose like an office or guest bedroom and on what timetable that is likely to occur. Having seen several friends realize early on that their college was a poor fit and returning mid-year to transfer to a school closer to home, I'd advise keeping it as "her room" through spring break year one, and then get an idea of how she's doing + her summer plans.
Maybe set a mutually agreed-upon "if we try to contact you and you don't reply within [x] (a day, two days), we will reach out to your roommate/local contact to confirm you're okay." Emphasis on "mutually agreed-upon," whatever you and she feel is reasonable but not smothering. Make sure any roommates have *your* contact information as well.
Also get a general idea of the geography around the college. I can't tell you how many times some random violent thing happened far away from my school and I'd get "are you okay?? heard on the news there was a shooting nearby, please let me know" [18 MISSED CALLS] [5 VOICEMAILS] and I was NOWHERE NEAR the incident and annoyed at having to check in. This is especially tricky for people from suburban or rural environments where "five miles away" is kind of close but "five miles away" in a city is...almost no longer in the city.
posted by castlebravo at 12:59 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Maybe set a mutually agreed-upon "if we try to contact you and you don't reply within [x] (a day, two days), we will reach out to your roommate/local contact to confirm you're okay." Emphasis on "mutually agreed-upon," whatever you and she feel is reasonable but not smothering. Make sure any roommates have *your* contact information as well.
Also get a general idea of the geography around the college. I can't tell you how many times some random violent thing happened far away from my school and I'd get "are you okay?? heard on the news there was a shooting nearby, please let me know" [18 MISSED CALLS] [5 VOICEMAILS] and I was NOWHERE NEAR the incident and annoyed at having to check in. This is especially tricky for people from suburban or rural environments where "five miles away" is kind of close but "five miles away" in a city is...almost no longer in the city.
posted by castlebravo at 12:59 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am going to give you a few specific Oregon tips.
Make sure she has some rain boots she's willing to wear as, like, regular shoes. If she's not into getting something practical like this, she might need to get out here and see what her classmates are wearing. Cute shoes are no match for walking to the class in the drizzle.
Also, all jackets should have hoods. Or, at least one of them. She'll need a good raincoat, and I don't mean like a fancy trench coat with a belt and no hood. I mean like an outdoorsy-type rain coat (not water resistant! water proof!) from Columbia, REI, etc. It must have a hood to be at all useful.
In the bigger picture: she may or may not want you around after orientation. Is there a reason you can't fly out with her at the same time? Will she not be moving into her room then?
posted by bluedaisy at 1:03 PM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Make sure she has some rain boots she's willing to wear as, like, regular shoes. If she's not into getting something practical like this, she might need to get out here and see what her classmates are wearing. Cute shoes are no match for walking to the class in the drizzle.
Also, all jackets should have hoods. Or, at least one of them. She'll need a good raincoat, and I don't mean like a fancy trench coat with a belt and no hood. I mean like an outdoorsy-type rain coat (not water resistant! water proof!) from Columbia, REI, etc. It must have a hood to be at all useful.
In the bigger picture: she may or may not want you around after orientation. Is there a reason you can't fly out with her at the same time? Will she not be moving into her room then?
posted by bluedaisy at 1:03 PM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Following on from phunniemee, when my daughter left home and country for college 10 years ago, I wrote her a letter, in an envelope, with a stamp, every week or so. The letter sequence means that first year away is much better documented than our life before or since.
What could possibly go wrong? With 20/20 hindsight mailing a little foldy-paper packet of dried yeast from Ireland to England on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 wasn't so bright. But a visit from the local police reassured national security that neither anthrax nor saltpetre was involved.
posted by BobTheScientist at 1:20 PM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
What could possibly go wrong? With 20/20 hindsight mailing a little foldy-paper packet of dried yeast from Ireland to England on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 wasn't so bright. But a visit from the local police reassured national security that neither anthrax nor saltpetre was involved.
posted by BobTheScientist at 1:20 PM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Mizu's answer is great. Offering to be a resource for less lucky queer/trans friends and partners, if you can, and making the details of that very clear is probably the most valuable thing you can actively do. (Whether that means opening your home or an AirBnB out west for the holiday, or other things.) Otherwise, let them figure it out. They'll make mistakes, but that's okay. Cheers!
A lot of students I knew in college and know today as an authority figure get monthly food care-packages. Mostly from across the ocean, but across the country isn't a bad idea if their budget isn't luxurious. Being the kid in the dorm with the fancy snacks and candy isn't a bad way to make friends, even if it sounds a bit cheesy.
For me, thanksgiving in college was always really frustrating. I had four days to desperately catch up on assignments as the semester ended and year spent hours every hear convincing my mother that not coming home wasn't a slight against her, just a desire not to travel for two days to spend one day on a holiday I didn't give a shit about when I could be using the time to get As instead. Don't make your kid do that.
posted by eotvos at 1:34 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
A lot of students I knew in college and know today as an authority figure get monthly food care-packages. Mostly from across the ocean, but across the country isn't a bad idea if their budget isn't luxurious. Being the kid in the dorm with the fancy snacks and candy isn't a bad way to make friends, even if it sounds a bit cheesy.
For me, thanksgiving in college was always really frustrating. I had four days to desperately catch up on assignments as the semester ended and year spent hours every hear convincing my mother that not coming home wasn't a slight against her, just a desire not to travel for two days to spend one day on a holiday I didn't give a shit about when I could be using the time to get As instead. Don't make your kid do that.
posted by eotvos at 1:34 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
FLIGHTS
Look at the school calendar for breaks
Identify when the dorms / dining halls actually close
See if there are exceptions (applying to stay in dorm through a break) (though sounds lonely)
Check on transportation to airport (some schools offer shuttles), note times of shuttles, cost of ubers (can double/triple when all the college students return), ease of rideshare to/from airport (check parent Facebook for history)
Identify best flight routes (price, direct) and - important - change fee policies
Save flights in Google flights to watch
Bonus: save other flights that are earlier to observe when is usually the "best" time to buy for low fares (about 4-5 weeks seems sweet for lowest price for my watched flights)
You won't know for sure especially about exam schedules and "events" that come up, but having the schedule listed in one place and google flights saved will help with frequent referencing
HOTELS
Perhaps even more important than flights, hotels sell out a year in advance around college towns for parents' weekend, move-in, graduation and so on. If you can, book now, cancel later if needed. Maybe you could stay with your local friends?
FIRST YEAR (we are experiencing First Year this year, kid is 8 hour drive / 90 minute flight away)
Stay through any first year move-in events for families - for us that was a Friday move-in day through Sunday morning convocation / brunch after which we were formally released from duty
Look at parents/family weekend schedule - plan to attend, buy/watch flights
Reconsider Thanksgiving visit depending on if it is 4 days or a week - (our kid was sick (not covid) 10 times this year? came home sick for Thanksgiving, slept pretty much the entire visit, got better, then got sick again before leaving, was really happy to be home and relax after living in a dorm for first time ever for 4 months (wearing a mask for 18 months plus first year college student was an immune system challenge, reminded me of preschool))
Don't underestimate the value of a visits home especially first semester, this second semester we won't have seen kid from January 3 to May 17 which is fine for us (though I sense a little long right now with finals looming) when last semester we dropped off in August, parents' weekend in September, Fall Break in October, Thanksgiving in November, Winter break mid-December which was not too much.
Stock up on those priority mail post office packages that you can fill as full as you want. Replacement driver's license and credit card (twice), homemade cookies, forgotten favorite tshirt, exam week treats from home, cash.
FACEBOOK (ugh, sorry, maybe your school is more advanced and has a discord)
Join parent facebook groups, probably an All Parent and a Class of 2026 group for parents, ask about others coming from far away
(Just about everything else is not specific to being a flight, or two, away versus a drive:
We've found no reason for a local bank, kids really don't spend much cash, Venmo is big and credit cards on top of dollars loaded onto the school's card that can be used on (and often off) campus. Debit cards can be used at any atm if cash is needed.
Power of Attorney health, Power of Attorney finance, HIPAA release form are standard. ("Mom, are you Britney-ing me?" "No but until you marry or designate someone else, we are your next of kin."
Many people do this move-in across country by ordering from Target / Bed Bath & Beyond (if any are still open) ahead of time for pick up at a specific time.
SHIPT usually offers college students a free year so same-day delivery from several local stores can be made same day. See what local stores are included in SHIPT for that zip code. Very helpful for groceries, Target orders, or big piles of tea, Ibuprofen, and vitamins for sick care packages.
See what the parent facebook page says about local package delivery then discount the complaints by ... say 40%. Consider whether Amazon lockers might be better than the mailroom.)
posted by RoadScholar at 1:39 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
Look at the school calendar for breaks
Identify when the dorms / dining halls actually close
See if there are exceptions (applying to stay in dorm through a break) (though sounds lonely)
Check on transportation to airport (some schools offer shuttles), note times of shuttles, cost of ubers (can double/triple when all the college students return), ease of rideshare to/from airport (check parent Facebook for history)
Identify best flight routes (price, direct) and - important - change fee policies
Save flights in Google flights to watch
Bonus: save other flights that are earlier to observe when is usually the "best" time to buy for low fares (about 4-5 weeks seems sweet for lowest price for my watched flights)
You won't know for sure especially about exam schedules and "events" that come up, but having the schedule listed in one place and google flights saved will help with frequent referencing
HOTELS
Perhaps even more important than flights, hotels sell out a year in advance around college towns for parents' weekend, move-in, graduation and so on. If you can, book now, cancel later if needed. Maybe you could stay with your local friends?
FIRST YEAR (we are experiencing First Year this year, kid is 8 hour drive / 90 minute flight away)
Stay through any first year move-in events for families - for us that was a Friday move-in day through Sunday morning convocation / brunch after which we were formally released from duty
Look at parents/family weekend schedule - plan to attend, buy/watch flights
Reconsider Thanksgiving visit depending on if it is 4 days or a week - (our kid was sick (not covid) 10 times this year? came home sick for Thanksgiving, slept pretty much the entire visit, got better, then got sick again before leaving, was really happy to be home and relax after living in a dorm for first time ever for 4 months (wearing a mask for 18 months plus first year college student was an immune system challenge, reminded me of preschool))
Don't underestimate the value of a visits home especially first semester, this second semester we won't have seen kid from January 3 to May 17 which is fine for us (though I sense a little long right now with finals looming) when last semester we dropped off in August, parents' weekend in September, Fall Break in October, Thanksgiving in November, Winter break mid-December which was not too much.
Stock up on those priority mail post office packages that you can fill as full as you want. Replacement driver's license and credit card (twice), homemade cookies, forgotten favorite tshirt, exam week treats from home, cash.
FACEBOOK (ugh, sorry, maybe your school is more advanced and has a discord)
Join parent facebook groups, probably an All Parent and a Class of 2026 group for parents, ask about others coming from far away
(Just about everything else is not specific to being a flight, or two, away versus a drive:
We've found no reason for a local bank, kids really don't spend much cash, Venmo is big and credit cards on top of dollars loaded onto the school's card that can be used on (and often off) campus. Debit cards can be used at any atm if cash is needed.
Power of Attorney health, Power of Attorney finance, HIPAA release form are standard. ("Mom, are you Britney-ing me?" "No but until you marry or designate someone else, we are your next of kin."
Many people do this move-in across country by ordering from Target / Bed Bath & Beyond (if any are still open) ahead of time for pick up at a specific time.
SHIPT usually offers college students a free year so same-day delivery from several local stores can be made same day. See what local stores are included in SHIPT for that zip code. Very helpful for groceries, Target orders, or big piles of tea, Ibuprofen, and vitamins for sick care packages.
See what the parent facebook page says about local package delivery then discount the complaints by ... say 40%. Consider whether Amazon lockers might be better than the mailroom.)
posted by RoadScholar at 1:39 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
For me, and this was before the Internet, actually before cell phones and cheap long distance calls, my Dad got me a mail subscription to the local paper, in my case, the NY Post because of the sports pages.
I think it was mentioned above, but when I went to school and then when my kids went, whenever my parents would come to visit or I would visit my kids, we took out the roommates for a meal. A free decent hot meal for a college kid is really a good thing. My Dad, even once came to a bar with us and brought us the first round and told the bartender to buy us the 2nd round and paid for both rounds and a good tip. (The other five rounds we had to pay for ourselves.)
As a parent, what I learned was to go at my child's pace. Sometimes I would send a text with a funny link or just a simple "thought of you when at xxx store today". My kid's would sometimes take hours if not a day or two to reply. No need to panic.
We would send the occasional care package. My son in a military college was very specific about what he wanted and could have. The other two were happy with homemade cookiesbrowniescandy.
I would stay on top of reading the college newspaper and when I saw say a band playing nearby that my kid liked, I would text them and Venmo them say the cost of a ticket saying, "Go if you can" as a little surprise.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:57 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think it was mentioned above, but when I went to school and then when my kids went, whenever my parents would come to visit or I would visit my kids, we took out the roommates for a meal. A free decent hot meal for a college kid is really a good thing. My Dad, even once came to a bar with us and brought us the first round and told the bartender to buy us the 2nd round and paid for both rounds and a good tip. (The other five rounds we had to pay for ourselves.)
As a parent, what I learned was to go at my child's pace. Sometimes I would send a text with a funny link or just a simple "thought of you when at xxx store today". My kid's would sometimes take hours if not a day or two to reply. No need to panic.
We would send the occasional care package. My son in a military college was very specific about what he wanted and could have. The other two were happy with homemade cookiesbrowniescandy.
I would stay on top of reading the college newspaper and when I saw say a band playing nearby that my kid liked, I would text them and Venmo them say the cost of a ticket saying, "Go if you can" as a little surprise.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:57 PM on April 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
Honestly, let your kid lead on how much/how often you remain involved in her life. She's going to be a young adult. She may want to come home for Thanksgiving; she may not. She may want to communicate with you regularly; she may not. She may want help or guidance when she runs into problems; she may not. These are her calls to make. The trick is communicating that the lines are open without either being pushy about it or giving her the impression you're casting her adrift.
Set clear expectations about finances up front and clearly (while privately understanding that there are going to be some overruns), and do not forget to adjust whatever budget you may have had for kids closer to home to allow for expenses that might not apply to a student who could run home to do laundry or whatever.
posted by praemunire at 1:57 PM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Set clear expectations about finances up front and clearly (while privately understanding that there are going to be some overruns), and do not forget to adjust whatever budget you may have had for kids closer to home to allow for expenses that might not apply to a student who could run home to do laundry or whatever.
posted by praemunire at 1:57 PM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
We'd like to see her at least once during each semester, at least initially, whether here on the East Coast or with us heading out west;
Make sure your kid knows this before they leave. My parents made a lot of unwarranted assumptions about how often I would call them and come back to visit; they spent the first few months I was gone, quite angry at me.
posted by meowzilla at 1:58 PM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Make sure your kid knows this before they leave. My parents made a lot of unwarranted assumptions about how often I would call them and come back to visit; they spent the first few months I was gone, quite angry at me.
posted by meowzilla at 1:58 PM on April 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Re banking, please make sure she knows to do banking (deposits, withdrawals, Mon Amy's to avoid fees, Zelle, etc) esp if this will be a new account at a new chain. We had a few bumps when my daughter had to switch to PNC from BofA.
Re care packages, there may be local businesses that cater to students and will send hot cookies, groceries etc. This may be easier than care packages as it avoids shipping issues. Plus they may offer exam specials and will know all the local favs.
Agree with the parental Facebook or similar and deciding in advance how involved you want to be. These can have all the usual divisions. There were controversial events and speakers at my child's campus and the parental groups had very strong reactions on what the students should or should not be doing in response.
posted by beaning at 2:13 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
Re care packages, there may be local businesses that cater to students and will send hot cookies, groceries etc. This may be easier than care packages as it avoids shipping issues. Plus they may offer exam specials and will know all the local favs.
Agree with the parental Facebook or similar and deciding in advance how involved you want to be. These can have all the usual divisions. There were controversial events and speakers at my child's campus and the parental groups had very strong reactions on what the students should or should not be doing in response.
posted by beaning at 2:13 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
It would be nice to ask her what family traditions are particularly important to her, especially around the holidays, so you can be sure to schedule them when she’s home. I remember being hurt when my family decorated the Christmas tree before my semester was over one year. (All forgiven now, mom!)
Also if she happens to be going to Lewis & Clark give her my best as an alum :)
posted by rabbitbookworm at 2:34 PM on April 18, 2022
Also if she happens to be going to Lewis & Clark give her my best as an alum :)
posted by rabbitbookworm at 2:34 PM on April 18, 2022
Somebody else mentioned health insurance but she may need off-campus mental health care, because on-campus care might be ineffectual or worse. I would not rely on the word of most students to decide if the on-campus resources are adequate. I would especially write off the opinions of students who are hype enough about their school to volunteer as on-campus guides or hosts or whatever.
If students who had psych issues before college and appear incompatible with concepts like "pep" describe the on-campus mental health care providers as capable and sufficient, those providers might be okay, but I'd still figure out a back-up option, even if it's teleconferencing with a pediatric provider in Maryland.
(I am saying this as a trans person who is both aware of how widespread mental health stuff is for us, and who has both heard and lived too many on-campus mental health care horror stories.)
posted by All Might Be Well at 2:38 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
If students who had psych issues before college and appear incompatible with concepts like "pep" describe the on-campus mental health care providers as capable and sufficient, those providers might be okay, but I'd still figure out a back-up option, even if it's teleconferencing with a pediatric provider in Maryland.
(I am saying this as a trans person who is both aware of how widespread mental health stuff is for us, and who has both heard and lived too many on-campus mental health care horror stories.)
posted by All Might Be Well at 2:38 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
Most parents will be paying for their child to fly home until graduation. Christmas break, summer break, etc. Thanksgiving and spring break if she wants to come. On long weekends (MLK, President's Day, etc.) consider giving them a bit of extra spending money to do something since a local kid could just come home for the weekend if all her friends are leaving.
Try to communicate with her about what frequency of contact she wants. Err on the side of low-pressure texts (photos of something cool, a link she might like) that she doesn't have to take much time to respond to, instead of sending her questions like "How are you? How are classes?" etc. Let her know that you would love to talk on the phone when she wants to. (You may want 1x a week and she may want 1x a semester!)
Check-in about her needing clothes, essentials like laundry soap, etc. You may need to budget extra shopping money since you can't just take her shopping.
posted by amaire at 4:04 PM on April 18, 2022
Try to communicate with her about what frequency of contact she wants. Err on the side of low-pressure texts (photos of something cool, a link she might like) that she doesn't have to take much time to respond to, instead of sending her questions like "How are you? How are classes?" etc. Let her know that you would love to talk on the phone when she wants to. (You may want 1x a week and she may want 1x a semester!)
Check-in about her needing clothes, essentials like laundry soap, etc. You may need to budget extra shopping money since you can't just take her shopping.
posted by amaire at 4:04 PM on April 18, 2022
I went to school in California from Louisiana, and also I was a Resident Assistant for threeish years.
First off, if she is receiving any trans related care, make sure to check in about providers and navigate that stuff especially if you've been actively supporting and guiding in those decisions. Even providers actively promoting they work with Trans people can be great or not so great, so ensuring that those needs continue to be met, is really really important. Just because they have services doesn't mean that the people who are in those roles are a good fit for your child. So keep the conversation open if she is willing to discuss it. Don't tolerate poor providers because they are with the school and super convenient.
The car may or may not be a good or bad thing. Some people who can quickly adapt to social situations and gathering new friends for things like rides can really do well in university settings without a car. But if she is slow to warm or has difficulty creating or maintaining friendships, it is going to limit her experience outside the direct college area. It really depends on her, and her ability to work with others. You may want to continue to check in to see how this is working out for her in particular. Logistical things can happen, such as the university supported grocery run happens at a time when she is in class, or it so happens that public transit doesn't run to the grocery store at a time that works for her or they don't feel conformable walking for a variety of personal reasons. Those are on-the-ground, day-to-day experience things that will really impact her overall experience.
Good news is that universities are fairly well set up in community living to help people meet each other and forge some friendships. When I was doing that kind of stuff (to be clear over 10 years ago), on the educational side they really referred that the first 6 weeks in the dorms are a critical period for how people will adjust long term. This is almost completely on your kid, and its a bit rough as a parent- but also it is a time to encourage your child to resolve or seek out a solution to problems (for example, if a roommate situation is not working, getting that changed ASAP instead of sticking it out).
But most importantly for the both of you- sometimes universities don't work out for people and please don't judge or be frustrated if it turns out this was not the place for them. Just like jobs, some people are more suited for some universities more than others. Many first-time university students have a bad semester or transfer schools. This is absolutely normal, please foster an environment that if after an initial adjustment period if things aren't working out it is completely okay to try again at another school or a different semester.
In regards to coming home that costs and convenience may be huge factors. Please work together. It's very common for young adults to need to spend time apart to come back together later- this is kind of natural and not really indicative of your long-term relationship. Young adults just have their own interests and priorities, and there can be a lot going on such as summer sessions, internships, research opportunities, etc etc etc that will impact deciding to come home. The university experience can be all-encompassing honestly.
Echoing to watch out for dorm rules about closures, move out dates and stuff. They can be really strict and it can be a nightmare for people from afar to navigate all of those things far from home. Honestly, I didn't want to go home (for complicated reasons unrelated to this question) and summer sessions and RAing was the way I obtained year round housing.
Good luck to the both of you!!
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:05 PM on April 18, 2022
First off, if she is receiving any trans related care, make sure to check in about providers and navigate that stuff especially if you've been actively supporting and guiding in those decisions. Even providers actively promoting they work with Trans people can be great or not so great, so ensuring that those needs continue to be met, is really really important. Just because they have services doesn't mean that the people who are in those roles are a good fit for your child. So keep the conversation open if she is willing to discuss it. Don't tolerate poor providers because they are with the school and super convenient.
The car may or may not be a good or bad thing. Some people who can quickly adapt to social situations and gathering new friends for things like rides can really do well in university settings without a car. But if she is slow to warm or has difficulty creating or maintaining friendships, it is going to limit her experience outside the direct college area. It really depends on her, and her ability to work with others. You may want to continue to check in to see how this is working out for her in particular. Logistical things can happen, such as the university supported grocery run happens at a time when she is in class, or it so happens that public transit doesn't run to the grocery store at a time that works for her or they don't feel conformable walking for a variety of personal reasons. Those are on-the-ground, day-to-day experience things that will really impact her overall experience.
Good news is that universities are fairly well set up in community living to help people meet each other and forge some friendships. When I was doing that kind of stuff (to be clear over 10 years ago), on the educational side they really referred that the first 6 weeks in the dorms are a critical period for how people will adjust long term. This is almost completely on your kid, and its a bit rough as a parent- but also it is a time to encourage your child to resolve or seek out a solution to problems (for example, if a roommate situation is not working, getting that changed ASAP instead of sticking it out).
But most importantly for the both of you- sometimes universities don't work out for people and please don't judge or be frustrated if it turns out this was not the place for them. Just like jobs, some people are more suited for some universities more than others. Many first-time university students have a bad semester or transfer schools. This is absolutely normal, please foster an environment that if after an initial adjustment period if things aren't working out it is completely okay to try again at another school or a different semester.
In regards to coming home that costs and convenience may be huge factors. Please work together. It's very common for young adults to need to spend time apart to come back together later- this is kind of natural and not really indicative of your long-term relationship. Young adults just have their own interests and priorities, and there can be a lot going on such as summer sessions, internships, research opportunities, etc etc etc that will impact deciding to come home. The university experience can be all-encompassing honestly.
Echoing to watch out for dorm rules about closures, move out dates and stuff. They can be really strict and it can be a nightmare for people from afar to navigate all of those things far from home. Honestly, I didn't want to go home (for complicated reasons unrelated to this question) and summer sessions and RAing was the way I obtained year round housing.
Good luck to the both of you!!
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:05 PM on April 18, 2022
You may already know this, but it’s good to be aware that even if your kid doesn’t want frequent contact during college, that doesn’t really mean anything about the strength of your relationship or how close you’ll be in the future. I talked to my parents once every week or two during parts of college, and I know my mom in particular wishes it had been a lot more frequent - but now, as an adult, I talk to her almost every day.
posted by maleficent at 4:10 PM on April 18, 2022
posted by maleficent at 4:10 PM on April 18, 2022
If your child is staying in a dorm, I would find out if the dorm closes for any breaks or holidays. My small college would close all the dorms for some breaks you wouldn't have expected and have all the international students in temporary housing a few times a year.
This is what I came to mention. I think a lot of colleges have gotten better, or at least somewhat more flexible, about this, but when I was in college and it wasn't possible for me to travel home for the holidays, I ended up sleeping on the floor of an unlocked campus building for a few weeks since they closed the dorms and only provided temp housing for international students. (I am still kind of grumpy about that, actually -- they were completely unsympathetic about it and while I was fine, albeit cold and uncomfortable, in hindsight it was really kind of a vulnerable situation for a young person. Consequently, there are no donations from me to the annual fund!)
I was also brought home to other student's families a few times as a stray, and I am still grateful for the times when parents who probably weren't asked about it ahead of time still managed to be welcoming. The advice to help your kid proactively set healthy boundaries around this kind of thing is excellent advice.
Conversely, you should be ready for your kid to not come home (or desire you to visit) at least a few times, whether that is because they want to spend a holiday with friends, travel, or whatever.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:37 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
This is what I came to mention. I think a lot of colleges have gotten better, or at least somewhat more flexible, about this, but when I was in college and it wasn't possible for me to travel home for the holidays, I ended up sleeping on the floor of an unlocked campus building for a few weeks since they closed the dorms and only provided temp housing for international students. (I am still kind of grumpy about that, actually -- they were completely unsympathetic about it and while I was fine, albeit cold and uncomfortable, in hindsight it was really kind of a vulnerable situation for a young person. Consequently, there are no donations from me to the annual fund!)
I was also brought home to other student's families a few times as a stray, and I am still grateful for the times when parents who probably weren't asked about it ahead of time still managed to be welcoming. The advice to help your kid proactively set healthy boundaries around this kind of thing is excellent advice.
Conversely, you should be ready for your kid to not come home (or desire you to visit) at least a few times, whether that is because they want to spend a holiday with friends, travel, or whatever.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:37 PM on April 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
I went to college across the country from my parents. My family is close but it was a great experience! A couple of things that helped:
- They paid for my flights home as a matter of course. I think my mom even booked them because it was harder back then (90s) and I had undiagnosed ADHD. But it meant I came home for most breaks.
- We established Sunday evening calls, which we still do 25 years later. Might be difficult with time zones but you might ask her to suggest a weekly time to talk once she gets her class schedule. Or if that doesn’t work, ask her to make sure to text every X days. That keeps the relationship and lines of communication open.
If your daughter is on HRT, make sure she has a good doctor in the area. That can be a real challenge, especially for a teenager to figure out.
Summer and other longer breaks might be a bit hard for her, being away from her college friends and drifting apart from HS friends. I fortunately found a great vacation job in my hometown that I made good friends at so that made things easier, but I remember my first winter break home kind of sucked. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t seem thrilled to be home, or if she wants to do something else.
posted by lunasol at 4:53 PM on April 18, 2022
- They paid for my flights home as a matter of course. I think my mom even booked them because it was harder back then (90s) and I had undiagnosed ADHD. But it meant I came home for most breaks.
- We established Sunday evening calls, which we still do 25 years later. Might be difficult with time zones but you might ask her to suggest a weekly time to talk once she gets her class schedule. Or if that doesn’t work, ask her to make sure to text every X days. That keeps the relationship and lines of communication open.
If your daughter is on HRT, make sure she has a good doctor in the area. That can be a real challenge, especially for a teenager to figure out.
Summer and other longer breaks might be a bit hard for her, being away from her college friends and drifting apart from HS friends. I fortunately found a great vacation job in my hometown that I made good friends at so that made things easier, but I remember my first winter break home kind of sucked. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t seem thrilled to be home, or if she wants to do something else.
posted by lunasol at 4:53 PM on April 18, 2022
Without a car there, make sure you plan taxis or Uber/Lyft from the airport to the school. Some areas do not have Uber/Lyft but at a college there ought to be decent taxi service. You may also find that certain flight arrival days/times are much better than others if your child is planning to take public transportation to/from the airport.
posted by GliblyKronor at 6:12 PM on April 18, 2022
posted by GliblyKronor at 6:12 PM on April 18, 2022
Don't buy her too much stuff. There can be an impulse to prepare your fledgling for every conceivable material need, but that's not actually helpful. Dorm rooms are tiny, and space is more valuable than, say, the iron that my mom sent me off with.... She can obtain things or borrow them as the need arises. I would give this advice even to someone not going far away for college, but it goes double when you have to travel a long way.
posted by Comet Bug at 8:08 PM on April 18, 2022
posted by Comet Bug at 8:08 PM on April 18, 2022
My long distance college experience was in 1988-89 - I was in upstate New York and my parents were in England, just a few thoughts:
- Adequate spending money or access to a credit card. Let the student purchase things when they need them and decide later if they should reimburse you. I definitely could have used
-- snow boots
-- pizza
-- taxis
-- permission to get a part-time job
without having to ask first.
- Phone calls. I think my parents splashed out on the long distance call once each semester. As much as they bugged me I was scared and alone and some dysfunctional love would have been better than nothing.
posted by bendy at 8:39 PM on April 18, 2022
- Adequate spending money or access to a credit card. Let the student purchase things when they need them and decide later if they should reimburse you. I definitely could have used
-- snow boots
-- pizza
-- taxis
-- permission to get a part-time job
without having to ask first.
- Phone calls. I think my parents splashed out on the long distance call once each semester. As much as they bugged me I was scared and alone and some dysfunctional love would have been better than nothing.
posted by bendy at 8:39 PM on April 18, 2022
If she has work-study as a part of financial aid there may be a college credit union that will likely be better than a plain old bank. Check if there's a campus shuttle that does airport runs around move in time.
A friend took me home for that first thanksgiving, I went home for christmas just because there was a trip to visit relatives in Florida there. Then I never went home again until I was 22 and my father passed away. Took a class during the summers to keep work-study jobs, stayed in dorms for a one of those, then it was just off-campus housing in the area.
Probably going to depend on the college and area, I was next to downtown LA from a small town in VA. But you all have cellphones and computers and stuff now.
Check if they have an office for commuter students, easy to find transportation route maps and cheaper monthly passes, they'll also know about best ways to get to/from airport.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:16 AM on April 19, 2022
A friend took me home for that first thanksgiving, I went home for christmas just because there was a trip to visit relatives in Florida there. Then I never went home again until I was 22 and my father passed away. Took a class during the summers to keep work-study jobs, stayed in dorms for a one of those, then it was just off-campus housing in the area.
Probably going to depend on the college and area, I was next to downtown LA from a small town in VA. But you all have cellphones and computers and stuff now.
Check if they have an office for commuter students, easy to find transportation route maps and cheaper monthly passes, they'll also know about best ways to get to/from airport.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:16 AM on April 19, 2022
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This may sound silly, but I moved to California 18 years ago from my hometown in the Eastern timezone and my mom still makes a big deal about having to try to figure out what time it is where I am and acts like life really happens on Eastern time and I'm the weird one for living in a different time zone. She is always asking time-specific questions like ,"What are you making for dinner?" when it's 1pm where I am. It is small, but somehow it still hurts me.
posted by shesbookish at 11:54 AM on April 18, 2022 [22 favorites]