Why Can't I Be a Gracious, Grateful Lady?
November 1, 2021 8:36 AM Subscribe
I know that gratitude journaling is supposed to be very good for you. So why does it make me feel so wretched? Is anyone else like this?
Gratitude journals are supposed to relieve anxiety, increase happiness, and have all sorts of wonderful health benefits, but they simply don't work on me! Instead of the pleasant trickle of dopamine, I feel like I'm being made to feel grateful for something that's been begrudgingly given, as if I'm sitting underneath the watchful eye of a particularly mean schoolteacher. That or I immediately start thinking about how paltry my list is, and that somebody out there is writing about their five adoring partners, their charming and precocious children, and their job as CEO of the business where they play with puppies and kittens all day and the puppies and kittens never shed on their perfectly tailored designer outfits. (On a slightly more realistic level, I started a gratitude journal with a friend once and it simply made me realize that she had things I wanted and couldn't get--which strained the friendship and did nothing for gratitude on either side. But it doesn't work even if I'm doing it sensibly, on my own so there's no comparisons.)
If I manage to scale my gratitude down to being grateful for food, shelter, and money I start thinking about how those could be taken away at any time and really, isn't the world a rotten place and it's a shame that I'm being fed and housed when someone with a more naturally grateful heart is lying in a ditch. Really, why do I deserve any of this? Which simply depresses me more.
I know that plenty of people are able to express gratitude no matter what is happening their lives, and I feel like I should be grateful for what I have, but I just can't do it (at least not on paper--I can express gratitude to other people). Does anyone else have this reaction to a gratitude practice? Am I incurably perverse in this attitude? If there are others once like me out there, were you able to eventually find a way to gratitude? Should I even bother?
Gratitude journals are supposed to relieve anxiety, increase happiness, and have all sorts of wonderful health benefits, but they simply don't work on me! Instead of the pleasant trickle of dopamine, I feel like I'm being made to feel grateful for something that's been begrudgingly given, as if I'm sitting underneath the watchful eye of a particularly mean schoolteacher. That or I immediately start thinking about how paltry my list is, and that somebody out there is writing about their five adoring partners, their charming and precocious children, and their job as CEO of the business where they play with puppies and kittens all day and the puppies and kittens never shed on their perfectly tailored designer outfits. (On a slightly more realistic level, I started a gratitude journal with a friend once and it simply made me realize that she had things I wanted and couldn't get--which strained the friendship and did nothing for gratitude on either side. But it doesn't work even if I'm doing it sensibly, on my own so there's no comparisons.)
If I manage to scale my gratitude down to being grateful for food, shelter, and money I start thinking about how those could be taken away at any time and really, isn't the world a rotten place and it's a shame that I'm being fed and housed when someone with a more naturally grateful heart is lying in a ditch. Really, why do I deserve any of this? Which simply depresses me more.
I know that plenty of people are able to express gratitude no matter what is happening their lives, and I feel like I should be grateful for what I have, but I just can't do it (at least not on paper--I can express gratitude to other people). Does anyone else have this reaction to a gratitude practice? Am I incurably perverse in this attitude? If there are others once like me out there, were you able to eventually find a way to gratitude? Should I even bother?
Yeah, I don’t know why everyone says that journaling of any kind “makes you feel better.” It doesn’t make me feel better because the problem is still there, and writing about the problem won’t make it go away.
posted by Melismata at 8:48 AM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 8:48 AM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
Gratitude is great - sometimes people use gratitude as a blanket reaction to accepting a lower level of status or interest, when you know you're capable of deserving better. It ends up being a really poor alternate for psychologists or therapists, especially when the patient has previously surpassed certain life landmarks, etc. It's possible the person doesn't need to practice gratitude, it's possible they just need to work back into the standard or area of living they knew as comfortable or acceptable.
There's actually a post here, where a person made six figures a year. The person in that Ask felt it necessary to say, "I am incredibly grateful and realize my position, please do NOT ask me to simply be grateful. I am trying to work harder and troubleshoot into areas I know I'm capable of working." (I commented on it, it's in my history).
If something feels like bullsh*t to your progress: it's possible it's because it's not helpful.
Another thought is to practice gratitude work, but realize being grateful still means hustling to raise the bar.
Honestly, it can be one of the most annoying responses of all time. "why aren't you grateful?!??" Because you just offered me a situational placebo and sh*t advice.
posted by firstdaffodils at 8:51 AM on November 1, 2021 [14 favorites]
There's actually a post here, where a person made six figures a year. The person in that Ask felt it necessary to say, "I am incredibly grateful and realize my position, please do NOT ask me to simply be grateful. I am trying to work harder and troubleshoot into areas I know I'm capable of working." (I commented on it, it's in my history).
If something feels like bullsh*t to your progress: it's possible it's because it's not helpful.
Another thought is to practice gratitude work, but realize being grateful still means hustling to raise the bar.
Honestly, it can be one of the most annoying responses of all time. "why aren't you grateful?!??" Because you just offered me a situational placebo and sh*t advice.
posted by firstdaffodils at 8:51 AM on November 1, 2021 [14 favorites]
This is a great question! So much of the gratitude imperative right now feels like a pressure to accept things that should not be ok, and/or like a chance to smugly humblebrag, or to be sentimental in a maddening way. Much of it makes me feels huge resistance.. there is another way of thinking about it that is less like that, though. It's not so much about the obvious blessings or things someone else might envy. Here is the poem that made me see it this other way. The poet , Ross Gay ,also has an entire book about gratitude. The poem is too long to copy and paste but it is here.
posted by nantucket at 8:56 AM on November 1, 2021 [9 favorites]
posted by nantucket at 8:56 AM on November 1, 2021 [9 favorites]
Should I even bother?
People tend not to write long articles about techniques that didn't work from them. It's generally not worth their time. You are witnessing selection bias - the effect that you aren't getting a random selection of experiences with gratitude journalling, only the selection of people who have tried it and are motivated to write about it.
If something doesn't work for you, don't bother continuing with it.
posted by saeculorum at 9:01 AM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
People tend not to write long articles about techniques that didn't work from them. It's generally not worth their time. You are witnessing selection bias - the effect that you aren't getting a random selection of experiences with gratitude journalling, only the selection of people who have tried it and are motivated to write about it.
If something doesn't work for you, don't bother continuing with it.
posted by saeculorum at 9:01 AM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
I think journaling is just rehearsing. If you’re feeling grateful or happy or just a bit perkier than usual, pass it on. Leave a bigger tip, pick up trash on the street, pay a random compliment.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:03 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 9:03 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
OK, first of all, you don't have to write down if you don't want to. Next, forget about the survival stuff, for reasons: 1. You've survived every shit thing that life has thrown at you so far. Statistically, I guess you could survive any new stuff. 2. Don't borrow trouble from the future. You don't know what's going to happen, good or bad, so there's no point worrying about it now. 3. Look up the 10 cognitive distortions, like misleading thinking about how everything's always going to be bad, because it always has been (which isn't true, because you've had good times in the past). Please do look them up - in my opinion, they're key to get your thinking back on track.
Now for the gratitude thing, here are some of mine at various times:
* I got out of bed today (I might not tomorrow, but wow, with this molasses of a depression, I did this huge thing. Yay me).
* I did the dishes today / got dressed today / went outside - I'm practically super-woman
* oh what a pretty flower. I'm outside walking when I didn't want to, but paying attention to my surroundings in a mindful way, and here is this gorgeous peach coloured hibiscus with so much pollen on its stamen just waiting for a fat little bee to grab it with its feet and take it home to make honey. That's amazing.
Other days, and it's perfectly fine to feel that way: what shit my shrink tells me, I have to do these stupid things to make me feel better like it's my fault I'm sick, when I know it's the lifelong trauma I've been through. It's almost like he's punishing me, how would he know how it feels, and I'm supposed to get all happy about stupid flowers and dishes, when Elon Musk could end hunger in the world.
But then try again, how nice cold tiles feel under my feet in the middle of summer, what an amazing scent vanilla is, how the wind feels ticklish on my scalp. Maybe watch cat videos, or music videos when the whole 50000 people join in singing with the band.
It's hard to deal when you're in a space that someone thinks you need a gratitude journal, but if you maybe change the title of that to "what nice thing I am experiencing right now", it will be easier.
posted by b33j at 9:03 AM on November 1, 2021 [14 favorites]
Now for the gratitude thing, here are some of mine at various times:
* I got out of bed today (I might not tomorrow, but wow, with this molasses of a depression, I did this huge thing. Yay me).
* I did the dishes today / got dressed today / went outside - I'm practically super-woman
* oh what a pretty flower. I'm outside walking when I didn't want to, but paying attention to my surroundings in a mindful way, and here is this gorgeous peach coloured hibiscus with so much pollen on its stamen just waiting for a fat little bee to grab it with its feet and take it home to make honey. That's amazing.
Other days, and it's perfectly fine to feel that way: what shit my shrink tells me, I have to do these stupid things to make me feel better like it's my fault I'm sick, when I know it's the lifelong trauma I've been through. It's almost like he's punishing me, how would he know how it feels, and I'm supposed to get all happy about stupid flowers and dishes, when Elon Musk could end hunger in the world.
But then try again, how nice cold tiles feel under my feet in the middle of summer, what an amazing scent vanilla is, how the wind feels ticklish on my scalp. Maybe watch cat videos, or music videos when the whole 50000 people join in singing with the band.
It's hard to deal when you're in a space that someone thinks you need a gratitude journal, but if you maybe change the title of that to "what nice thing I am experiencing right now", it will be easier.
posted by b33j at 9:03 AM on November 1, 2021 [14 favorites]
Also, Asked has a huge number of awesome posts tagged with anxiety, some of which you might find helpful. Pinterest the same, but with less text.
posted by b33j at 9:16 AM on November 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by b33j at 9:16 AM on November 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
The way that gratitude journaling works for me is to write about the things that ACTUALLY make me happy rather than the things I "should" feel gratitude for. The point is to remind yourself that each day has little joys, not to berate yourself for not doing better or feel guilty for the fact that others are doing worse. I mean, if it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work, but it was helpful for me, for a while, in some really rough times. It can be really dumb things like, I watched this mindless fantasy movie and it was actually pretty good. Sat under a tree, trees are amazing. Sometimes the idea of sitting under a tree is enough reason to keep going.
posted by 100kb at 9:24 AM on November 1, 2021 [28 favorites]
posted by 100kb at 9:24 AM on November 1, 2021 [28 favorites]
I find this post to be helpful - it acknowledges that gratitude is hard, but worthwhile (to the author). She equates it to exercise. So maybe give it a few weeks of effort and see if it's worth it to you.
It's also ok to customize it to yourself. Maybe you don't write in a journal - you take 10 minutes a week to contemplate. Or 2 minutes a day. Or text yourself in the moment when you feel gratitude.
And yes to 100kb - it's not what you think you should feel grateful for; it's things that make you happy or make your life a little better.
posted by hydra77 at 9:27 AM on November 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
It's also ok to customize it to yourself. Maybe you don't write in a journal - you take 10 minutes a week to contemplate. Or 2 minutes a day. Or text yourself in the moment when you feel gratitude.
And yes to 100kb - it's not what you think you should feel grateful for; it's things that make you happy or make your life a little better.
posted by hydra77 at 9:27 AM on November 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
For me, thinking of good things that have happened in my life is a good way of remembering that good things will happen again, and that I am a work in progress, not static. It reminds me that the world is a big damn miracle.
Yoga, another frequently-recommended calming activity? I find absolutely infuriating, an hour of enduring constant physical irritations and supposedly smiling through it. So I engage with pieces of what makes people like yoga in ways that feel better for my body, getting my heart rate up with different sports, stretching while watching tv shows, and taking a minute here and there during the day to take some deep breaths.
Not everything works for everybody. If you feel like you are forcing yourself to have an emotion you’re not feeling, maybe focusing it in a slightly different way may help. You could aim for having more good experiences by having a small goal of having a pleasant moment with each of the five senses tomorrow. You could engage with your awareness of human suffering by doing some volunteering and improving the lives of people in rough circumstances. You don’t need to write a Thanksgiving poem every day to have a happy humble life.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:30 AM on November 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
Yoga, another frequently-recommended calming activity? I find absolutely infuriating, an hour of enduring constant physical irritations and supposedly smiling through it. So I engage with pieces of what makes people like yoga in ways that feel better for my body, getting my heart rate up with different sports, stretching while watching tv shows, and taking a minute here and there during the day to take some deep breaths.
Not everything works for everybody. If you feel like you are forcing yourself to have an emotion you’re not feeling, maybe focusing it in a slightly different way may help. You could aim for having more good experiences by having a small goal of having a pleasant moment with each of the five senses tomorrow. You could engage with your awareness of human suffering by doing some volunteering and improving the lives of people in rough circumstances. You don’t need to write a Thanksgiving poem every day to have a happy humble life.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:30 AM on November 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
The only kind of journaling that has ever made me feel better is the kind where I scrawl down all of the grievances I am having at that particular moment no matter how petty or grand, write all of the best swears I know in the best cursive I've got, list by name everyone who has wronged me in recent memory, and then rip the paper up into 500 itty bitty pieces and let them rain into the trash.
Gratitude can eat my entire dick and balls.
posted by phunniemee at 9:31 AM on November 1, 2021 [26 favorites]
Gratitude can eat my entire dick and balls.
posted by phunniemee at 9:31 AM on November 1, 2021 [26 favorites]
Yeah, you really don't have to do this. I've never done this.
I read the other day that it takes five positive experiences to overcome the damage of just one negative experience (and I'd venture to say it's probably even more than that). If you deconstruct the whole exercise of writing out gratitude, journaling really just comes down to being one structured method of armoring yourself against damaging experiences by fortifying yourself with nurturing, healing things that give you a genuine sense of joy or security.
And b33j has some great examples. It doesn't have to be world-changing or essential to your survival. Just little things. Yesterday I spent a good ten minutes sitting quietly, feeling buoyantly grateful for my new jogger pants. They're really soft and warm. Like, yes, in the back of my mind, my kidney could fail any day, the earth will someday hurtle into the sun, but at that moment, in my room, in the lowness of the afternoon light, I had warm new jogging pants and my dog was snoring on the foot of my bed and life was pretty great.
I had a friend who, in a pleasant moment, would sometimes just quietly say "This doesn't suck." And that was good enough to continue: This moment is okay, this moment doesn't suck. It's all okay.
posted by mochapickle at 9:32 AM on November 1, 2021 [14 favorites]
I read the other day that it takes five positive experiences to overcome the damage of just one negative experience (and I'd venture to say it's probably even more than that). If you deconstruct the whole exercise of writing out gratitude, journaling really just comes down to being one structured method of armoring yourself against damaging experiences by fortifying yourself with nurturing, healing things that give you a genuine sense of joy or security.
And b33j has some great examples. It doesn't have to be world-changing or essential to your survival. Just little things. Yesterday I spent a good ten minutes sitting quietly, feeling buoyantly grateful for my new jogger pants. They're really soft and warm. Like, yes, in the back of my mind, my kidney could fail any day, the earth will someday hurtle into the sun, but at that moment, in my room, in the lowness of the afternoon light, I had warm new jogging pants and my dog was snoring on the foot of my bed and life was pretty great.
I had a friend who, in a pleasant moment, would sometimes just quietly say "This doesn't suck." And that was good enough to continue: This moment is okay, this moment doesn't suck. It's all okay.
posted by mochapickle at 9:32 AM on November 1, 2021 [14 favorites]
When I've tried this, it's worked best when I tried to differentiate clearly between things I actually felt grateful for, and things I felt like I ought to feel grateful for. Only things that have genuinely made you feel an actual, identifiable, positive emotion get included on the list.
Also worked best when I knew the list was being kept for my eyes only and nobody else would ever see it and know that... I dunno - the friend I was objectively lucky to have, was actually annoying the shit out of me that week for my own petty reasons, and not going on my gratitude list.
For me, it's not about what the items on the list are, it's about identifying that kernel of positive feeling that you feel when something happens that you appreciate. Once you start to recognise that feeling, you often start to notice it more frequently and it can start to grow a little. But only if you're brutally honest with yourself about what you feel gratitude for, and are able to recognise and name very honestly the feelings you have about the things around you. Mindfulness practice can help with this too (sorry, it's another wellbeing buzzword in the same way as gratitude lists, but it works for me). Noticing a feeling and naming it is useful and makes you more likely to notice it in future.
So there's no point putting on your list "I'm grateful I have a roof over my head" if you haven't genuinely felt that emotion. But if, when you were tired and weary and raging with the world today, and you got onto a busy bus knowing you'd probably have to stand all the way home, and it just so happens that someone stood up to get off right next to you, and you got to sit down, and you remember that one little spark of relief you felt when you realised they were going, and how delicious it was to sit on that seat at the end of a crappy day, and you know that maybe you should have offered it to someone else but you were so damn tired and it was a joy to sit down - that moment, that feeling, is what goes on your gratitude list.
It doesn't have to be noble, it just has to be true.
Also, keep the list short. One item. Three items at a push. Maybe even just that you have to write something every day and if that thing is "I can't think of anything I've felt grateful for today," that's OK, but you're getting into the habit of stopping to check in with your emotions about the events of the day, without forcing anything.
On preview: What 100kb said in fewer words!
posted by penguin pie at 9:33 AM on November 1, 2021 [11 favorites]
Also worked best when I knew the list was being kept for my eyes only and nobody else would ever see it and know that... I dunno - the friend I was objectively lucky to have, was actually annoying the shit out of me that week for my own petty reasons, and not going on my gratitude list.
For me, it's not about what the items on the list are, it's about identifying that kernel of positive feeling that you feel when something happens that you appreciate. Once you start to recognise that feeling, you often start to notice it more frequently and it can start to grow a little. But only if you're brutally honest with yourself about what you feel gratitude for, and are able to recognise and name very honestly the feelings you have about the things around you. Mindfulness practice can help with this too (sorry, it's another wellbeing buzzword in the same way as gratitude lists, but it works for me). Noticing a feeling and naming it is useful and makes you more likely to notice it in future.
So there's no point putting on your list "I'm grateful I have a roof over my head" if you haven't genuinely felt that emotion. But if, when you were tired and weary and raging with the world today, and you got onto a busy bus knowing you'd probably have to stand all the way home, and it just so happens that someone stood up to get off right next to you, and you got to sit down, and you remember that one little spark of relief you felt when you realised they were going, and how delicious it was to sit on that seat at the end of a crappy day, and you know that maybe you should have offered it to someone else but you were so damn tired and it was a joy to sit down - that moment, that feeling, is what goes on your gratitude list.
It doesn't have to be noble, it just has to be true.
Also, keep the list short. One item. Three items at a push. Maybe even just that you have to write something every day and if that thing is "I can't think of anything I've felt grateful for today," that's OK, but you're getting into the habit of stopping to check in with your emotions about the events of the day, without forcing anything.
On preview: What 100kb said in fewer words!
posted by penguin pie at 9:33 AM on November 1, 2021 [11 favorites]
Oh - and the thing about worrying that good things could be taken away? Concentrating on experiences that happened that day, rather than things that you own, can be useful. Nobody can take away the memory of the physical relief of sitting on that bus seat.
Also makes it more interesting because you're able to write down different things every day, not the same old list of "I have a home, I have some food". (I mean: See also covid, sometimes every day is the same right now, but you know what I mean).
posted by penguin pie at 9:42 AM on November 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
Also makes it more interesting because you're able to write down different things every day, not the same old list of "I have a home, I have some food". (I mean: See also covid, sometimes every day is the same right now, but you know what I mean).
posted by penguin pie at 9:42 AM on November 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
Yes, it only works if you identify what you are actually grateful for. A really good grilled ham and cheese sandwich, the novel you just finished, your sister’s phone call. If you can’t identify a single thing you’re grateful for you might not be allowing yourself much joy… in the form of just occasionally doing what you feel like doing, reaching out to someone for support, etc.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:43 AM on November 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by stoneandstar at 9:43 AM on November 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
Oh, I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE gratitude journaling! People have forced me to do it like six times! (In classes, hanging out with hippies, therapy, all that hippie stuff.) The last time someone tried to make me in a group I meet in, I got really snitty because she demanded TEN grateful items a day (I preferred to do three) and when I came up short, she said I had to keep making it up with more items the next day! I just wanted to blow steam out my ears and finally told her I was going to be having a REALLY hard time at work and not going to be feeling very grateful the next few weeks. She finally stopped bugging me about it, thank goodness. However, every meeting the rest of them are, "I'm so grateful you gave us the idea of gratitude journaling, I really love it!"
Here's the thing with the grateful lists: if it's something you actually feel grateful for, fine. If you would anyway, fine. But having to do it in lists every day is a chore, and let's face it, some days you don't feel fucking grateful and those are the days that make me want to stab myself in the head forcing the issue.
"When I've tried this, it's worked best when I tried to differentiate clearly between things I actually felt grateful for, and things I felt like I ought to feel grateful for. Only things that have genuinely made you feel an actual, identifiable, positive emotion get included on the list."
Yes, this. There's a Kenny Rogers song about feeling grateful for his job down at the factory that this reminds me of. Yes, you are grateful to be employed, but it's hard to feel genuine gratitude at my job on the days where I am absolutely hating the job and myself and I feel drained dry and like I want to get stinko drunk at 5. "I'm so grateful I have a job so I can have a home and car and health insurance" is absolutely true and you would very much miss those things if they were not there, but at the same time the cockles of your heart are not warmed like they are supposed to be. I agree with your "begrudgingly given" remark, and being grateful for having the bottom level of the Maslow pyramid is both true and yet again, depressing.
Gratitude lists make me frequently angry after a few days of having to do them and they make me feel like a huge asshole for hating them and not feeling warm-hearted after making one. Even a good day still makes me annoyed at having to make a list of grateful items, really.
I'd tell you "fuck it, don't do it" if it's not doing anything for you except making you mad, and it's a voluntary choice that you're making (or not) to do it, rather than being forced to for a class or whatever.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:45 AM on November 1, 2021 [7 favorites]
Here's the thing with the grateful lists: if it's something you actually feel grateful for, fine. If you would anyway, fine. But having to do it in lists every day is a chore, and let's face it, some days you don't feel fucking grateful and those are the days that make me want to stab myself in the head forcing the issue.
"When I've tried this, it's worked best when I tried to differentiate clearly between things I actually felt grateful for, and things I felt like I ought to feel grateful for. Only things that have genuinely made you feel an actual, identifiable, positive emotion get included on the list."
Yes, this. There's a Kenny Rogers song about feeling grateful for his job down at the factory that this reminds me of. Yes, you are grateful to be employed, but it's hard to feel genuine gratitude at my job on the days where I am absolutely hating the job and myself and I feel drained dry and like I want to get stinko drunk at 5. "I'm so grateful I have a job so I can have a home and car and health insurance" is absolutely true and you would very much miss those things if they were not there, but at the same time the cockles of your heart are not warmed like they are supposed to be. I agree with your "begrudgingly given" remark, and being grateful for having the bottom level of the Maslow pyramid is both true and yet again, depressing.
Gratitude lists make me frequently angry after a few days of having to do them and they make me feel like a huge asshole for hating them and not feeling warm-hearted after making one. Even a good day still makes me annoyed at having to make a list of grateful items, really.
I'd tell you "fuck it, don't do it" if it's not doing anything for you except making you mad, and it's a voluntary choice that you're making (or not) to do it, rather than being forced to for a class or whatever.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:45 AM on November 1, 2021 [7 favorites]
>how paltry my list is, and that somebody out there is writing about their five adoring partners
>it's a shame that I'm being fed and housed when someone with a more naturally grateful heart is lying in a ditch
This seems to be comparison, even when writing alone. Comparison is the thief of joy.
My mind goes straight to comparison, too, when I'm asked to name things I'm grateful for, and it makes me miserable.
I reframe the exercise as "list three good things I noticed today."
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 9:47 AM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
>it's a shame that I'm being fed and housed when someone with a more naturally grateful heart is lying in a ditch
This seems to be comparison, even when writing alone. Comparison is the thief of joy.
My mind goes straight to comparison, too, when I'm asked to name things I'm grateful for, and it makes me miserable.
I reframe the exercise as "list three good things I noticed today."
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 9:47 AM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
If gratitude and thanks are too loaded with comparison or shaming for you, you could try replacing it with a related concept that resonates more. Appreciation, enjoyment, happy this exists?
(Gratitude journaling has fallen flat for me too, but in my case it ends up perfunctory and repetitive and feels pointless)
posted by Gravel at 9:48 AM on November 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
(Gratitude journaling has fallen flat for me too, but in my case it ends up perfunctory and repetitive and feels pointless)
posted by Gravel at 9:48 AM on November 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me like anxiety is making it impossible for you to feel grateful.
Gratitude, like calmness, and like initiative are things that some people find easy and other people have to work to drum up. Journaling and meditation are activities people use to try to help them regulate their emotions, but neither of those practices are magic. Sometimes it is much easier to think clearly in writing, and sometimes it is much easier to think clearly when there are no distractions. Sometimes the writing turns into rumination and the lack of distractions makes the person attempting to meditate unable to hold back a storm of suppressed negative emotions.
I think your gratitude journal has brought some clarity into your life - you now know that you are terrified and that your expectations for baseline life goals are much higher than your actual life circumstances. The journal might help you figure out how to adjust your baseline.
For example, someone with chronic pain is not going to stop having chronic pain when they journal. But the process might bring them from mainly feeling depression and rage, to seeing that depression and anger are joining with the pain to reduce their quality of life. They may start by just wanting to not suffer from chronic pain. The direction they would optimally go from there is to start figuring out what is realistic, that sometimes they can do things that are productive or that they enjoy even if those times are rare and the things meagre, and then move towards being able to grasp every such opportunity and being becoming satisfied that at least they make the most of the few moments viable to them.
Of course magically being free of pain would be optimal and anything less than that is emotionally unsatisfying. The narrative we want is the deus ex machina of suddenly it doesn't genuinely hurt anymore, not that on Wednesday they washed a dish. But for the person experiencing it making the switch from kicking against the pricks to trusting that whenever there is a brief increase in energy and focus they will not miss it and they will use it well, there is a distinct improvement in quality of life.
A gratitude journal is meant to help you make the same paradigm shift - to look for what is true instead of grasping after what is optimal but impossible.
I am sure you are familiar with the idea that different things suit different people. Gratitude journaling works better if you focus on that. Your friend might have a loving husband who makes her giggle, but he would drive you batty in half an hour. Instead of being resentful that you do not also have a loving husband who can make you smile, you look logically at how happy you actually would be in her life circumstances and figure out which things actually do make you happy. Often the reason you do not having a loving husband who makes you giggle is because you don't actually want one and would be irritable and overwhelmed if you did. Actually what you want is to have a quiet home and nobody needy making wisecracks. So much of what we want is theoretical and we want it because everybody else wants it, so it must be good.
Do you have any idea how little life you would have if you had five charming and precocious children? You'd have no down time, no money, and have to work like the devil constantly to keep up with everything. Do you actually respect and admire CEO's enough that you wouldn't loathe yourself if you were one? I can see that you know how unrealistic kittens and puppies who never shed are, and that is your key- examine those things you want but don't have and try to figure out what they actually represent - I think they may represent effortless freedom for anxiety. You adopted a tone of self mockery when you listed those things because you know they are not attainable. Being a CEO means never having to worry about what other people think of you because you are accepted as rich and successful, having five charming and precocious children may mean being so incredible competent, lucky, energetic and rich that you can rise to any challenge. Perhaps it's not that you want to be a CEO but that you want what she has got without being one.
It sounds to me that what you really want is for life not to be so hard, and for there to be clear pathways for life to be better, but you suspect with some justification that it is far easier for your life to become worse than it is for you to improve it.
Your journal might help you find ways to cope with that feeling by giving you a list of times and ways you escaped the jaws of anxiety - "I had a cup of tea and read a book and for three meager hours I forgot how big and bad it all is..." is an entry that tells you that having a cup of tea and reading a book that makes you forget is something you want to do more of, and which is effective. But writing "I am healthy" is not specific enough to bring you relief and joy, where "I climbed over the gate at Norris Hall and my knees didn't hurt at all when I did it!" is specific enough to steer you towards looking for other moments in your life when you were physically competent and pain free.
If you are picking things you are supposed to feel grateful for, but don't feel grateful for you are picking the wrong things. Many a parent has looked at their five charming and precocious children and concluded that they love their children but they loathe their life and never should have had them. If you write "I am grateful that I graduated university" you could be grateful that you got to go, or grateful that you finally escaped, or both, but if you can't say WHY you are grateful, then it is safe to conclude you are not grateful at all.
You might try naming three things that went well each day, and WHY they went well. Naming why is important, because even if you conclude, "It was just dumb luck," you just become aware that under some circumstances you feel like you have been lucky.
Consider changing the circumstances when you journal. If you tend to feel tired and down in the evening that might be the wrong time to journal. If you notice that journaling makes you anxious, do something that reduces your anxiety level while you journal so you can think more clearly. Journaling after you do a strenuous work out might work because strenuous exercise helps you metabolise cortisol. Journaling after you have had a good comforting meal might be more successful. Playing some music that you can entrain with to feel better just before or while journaling might help you also.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:50 AM on November 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
Gratitude, like calmness, and like initiative are things that some people find easy and other people have to work to drum up. Journaling and meditation are activities people use to try to help them regulate their emotions, but neither of those practices are magic. Sometimes it is much easier to think clearly in writing, and sometimes it is much easier to think clearly when there are no distractions. Sometimes the writing turns into rumination and the lack of distractions makes the person attempting to meditate unable to hold back a storm of suppressed negative emotions.
I think your gratitude journal has brought some clarity into your life - you now know that you are terrified and that your expectations for baseline life goals are much higher than your actual life circumstances. The journal might help you figure out how to adjust your baseline.
For example, someone with chronic pain is not going to stop having chronic pain when they journal. But the process might bring them from mainly feeling depression and rage, to seeing that depression and anger are joining with the pain to reduce their quality of life. They may start by just wanting to not suffer from chronic pain. The direction they would optimally go from there is to start figuring out what is realistic, that sometimes they can do things that are productive or that they enjoy even if those times are rare and the things meagre, and then move towards being able to grasp every such opportunity and being becoming satisfied that at least they make the most of the few moments viable to them.
Of course magically being free of pain would be optimal and anything less than that is emotionally unsatisfying. The narrative we want is the deus ex machina of suddenly it doesn't genuinely hurt anymore, not that on Wednesday they washed a dish. But for the person experiencing it making the switch from kicking against the pricks to trusting that whenever there is a brief increase in energy and focus they will not miss it and they will use it well, there is a distinct improvement in quality of life.
A gratitude journal is meant to help you make the same paradigm shift - to look for what is true instead of grasping after what is optimal but impossible.
I am sure you are familiar with the idea that different things suit different people. Gratitude journaling works better if you focus on that. Your friend might have a loving husband who makes her giggle, but he would drive you batty in half an hour. Instead of being resentful that you do not also have a loving husband who can make you smile, you look logically at how happy you actually would be in her life circumstances and figure out which things actually do make you happy. Often the reason you do not having a loving husband who makes you giggle is because you don't actually want one and would be irritable and overwhelmed if you did. Actually what you want is to have a quiet home and nobody needy making wisecracks. So much of what we want is theoretical and we want it because everybody else wants it, so it must be good.
Do you have any idea how little life you would have if you had five charming and precocious children? You'd have no down time, no money, and have to work like the devil constantly to keep up with everything. Do you actually respect and admire CEO's enough that you wouldn't loathe yourself if you were one? I can see that you know how unrealistic kittens and puppies who never shed are, and that is your key- examine those things you want but don't have and try to figure out what they actually represent - I think they may represent effortless freedom for anxiety. You adopted a tone of self mockery when you listed those things because you know they are not attainable. Being a CEO means never having to worry about what other people think of you because you are accepted as rich and successful, having five charming and precocious children may mean being so incredible competent, lucky, energetic and rich that you can rise to any challenge. Perhaps it's not that you want to be a CEO but that you want what she has got without being one.
It sounds to me that what you really want is for life not to be so hard, and for there to be clear pathways for life to be better, but you suspect with some justification that it is far easier for your life to become worse than it is for you to improve it.
Your journal might help you find ways to cope with that feeling by giving you a list of times and ways you escaped the jaws of anxiety - "I had a cup of tea and read a book and for three meager hours I forgot how big and bad it all is..." is an entry that tells you that having a cup of tea and reading a book that makes you forget is something you want to do more of, and which is effective. But writing "I am healthy" is not specific enough to bring you relief and joy, where "I climbed over the gate at Norris Hall and my knees didn't hurt at all when I did it!" is specific enough to steer you towards looking for other moments in your life when you were physically competent and pain free.
If you are picking things you are supposed to feel grateful for, but don't feel grateful for you are picking the wrong things. Many a parent has looked at their five charming and precocious children and concluded that they love their children but they loathe their life and never should have had them. If you write "I am grateful that I graduated university" you could be grateful that you got to go, or grateful that you finally escaped, or both, but if you can't say WHY you are grateful, then it is safe to conclude you are not grateful at all.
You might try naming three things that went well each day, and WHY they went well. Naming why is important, because even if you conclude, "It was just dumb luck," you just become aware that under some circumstances you feel like you have been lucky.
Consider changing the circumstances when you journal. If you tend to feel tired and down in the evening that might be the wrong time to journal. If you notice that journaling makes you anxious, do something that reduces your anxiety level while you journal so you can think more clearly. Journaling after you do a strenuous work out might work because strenuous exercise helps you metabolise cortisol. Journaling after you have had a good comforting meal might be more successful. Playing some music that you can entrain with to feel better just before or while journaling might help you also.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:50 AM on November 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
If you're really determined to stick with the practice (I agree it sounds like it just might not be your thing), perhaps try a new format for your gratitude journal.
Column one: Things I SHOULD be grateful for today: * my beautiful children *my sexy dollar having husband *etc etc whatever society thinks you should be dewy-eyed about at the moment
Column two: Things I AM grateful for today: * NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT, TODAY WAS A BALLSACK AND A HALF, * there was one (1) cup of coffee that just hit the spot today. * FUCK THE REST OF IT
Try that for a little bit and see how it feels. Sometimes trying to take something out of the context of your life to be grateful about feels dishonest. (Also, writing things like "a ballsack and a half" can make you laugh in spite of yourself.)
posted by snerson at 9:52 AM on November 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
Column one: Things I SHOULD be grateful for today: * my beautiful children *my sexy dollar having husband *etc etc whatever society thinks you should be dewy-eyed about at the moment
Column two: Things I AM grateful for today: * NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT, TODAY WAS A BALLSACK AND A HALF, * there was one (1) cup of coffee that just hit the spot today. * FUCK THE REST OF IT
Try that for a little bit and see how it feels. Sometimes trying to take something out of the context of your life to be grateful about feels dishonest. (Also, writing things like "a ballsack and a half" can make you laugh in spite of yourself.)
posted by snerson at 9:52 AM on November 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
I recently came across the framework of "“affective duties” of contemporary motherhood: the ways we feel we should organize our emotions,"* and I think this is directly relevant to your attitude toward gratitude. WHICH I SHARE. My exposure to gratitude culture is glancing at best; I come across it accidentally and suppress the urge to run very, very far away because its presentation often makes me feel like I'm being invited to express my authentic emotions, strained through a strict set of acceptable and positive scripts for expressing them. This gives me the screaming meemies, because I have spent too damn much time trying to figure out my idiosyncrasies to jam them into someone else's idea of what's typical/normal/ideal. So no, you are not the only one to have a strong reaction to the culture of (mandatory) gratitude.
But the thing itself is not entirely the culture, and there's something to be said for making a practice of noticing the things that ping your feelings of wonder, laughter, and appreciation--and to become more aware of the potential for small and personal happinesses. It gets away from both the eye of Influencer Sauron and the question of deserving. Screw the fur-free tailored outfits; think of how good that cup of coffee was this morning, or how gorgeous the light was on the trees after it stopped raining and the sun came out again. Because once you start identifying the things that really and truly speak to your sensibility--once you believe in them more than the imaginary residents of the land of "Should Feel"--you will liberate something in your own head and heart.
* We talked about it a bit here. Also, this recent conversation might be helpful, and I stand by my recommendation of Oliver Burkeman's The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:56 AM on November 1, 2021 [13 favorites]
But the thing itself is not entirely the culture, and there's something to be said for making a practice of noticing the things that ping your feelings of wonder, laughter, and appreciation--and to become more aware of the potential for small and personal happinesses. It gets away from both the eye of Influencer Sauron and the question of deserving. Screw the fur-free tailored outfits; think of how good that cup of coffee was this morning, or how gorgeous the light was on the trees after it stopped raining and the sun came out again. Because once you start identifying the things that really and truly speak to your sensibility--once you believe in them more than the imaginary residents of the land of "Should Feel"--you will liberate something in your own head and heart.
* We talked about it a bit here. Also, this recent conversation might be helpful, and I stand by my recommendation of Oliver Burkeman's The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:56 AM on November 1, 2021 [13 favorites]
I come from a culture that believes collective kvetching is the go to way to relieve discontent. People who express gratitude with their lot in life are viewed with suspicion. Clearly, they are Fakey McFakers and humblebragging butts. At most, a "can't complain, could be a lot worse" is permissible.
So I figure you should do whatever makes you feel better. But if nothing does the trick, then maybe the problem isn't the method of gratitude journaling, it's that your brain makes every experience suck (including the ones that are supposed to unsuck things!).
posted by Omnomnom at 10:04 AM on November 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
So I figure you should do whatever makes you feel better. But if nothing does the trick, then maybe the problem isn't the method of gratitude journaling, it's that your brain makes every experience suck (including the ones that are supposed to unsuck things!).
posted by Omnomnom at 10:04 AM on November 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
I don't believe in God or any form of directed consciousness of the universe. So when I do this (in my head), it's primarily about recognizing that the universe is random and part of my subjective experience is affected by whether I can recognize when the randomness is in my favor, even in small ways. As a fellow anxious person, I recognize that, in thinking about my life, my brain is loaded to overweight the bad and scary and the likelihood of more bad and scary things coming my way. An informal gratitude practice is a way of gently redirecting the brain's attention a little. Yes, this and that are terrifying, no doubt. But I saw a supercut of a labrador jumping into a pile of fallen leaves many times, and I felt his joy. This Trader Joe's brownie ice cream sandwich is really good, especially for the price. I looked out the window this morning and midtown Manhattan was like a steel engraving against a grey sky. I feel like the more you get in the habit of noticing good things, the more likely you are to notice them when they come to you. I don't want to miss the small good things because I'm so fixated on the bad right now or so terrified of the future to come.
There are some people in such objectively horrible life situations that this kind of practice may simply be unrealistic or impossible. That's fine. But most lives here in the West are a mixture. And, of course, in the end, if it doesn't work for you...it just doesn't work for you. It's not a moral imperative, not even in the unbearable gloppy way wellness tries to back into its being moral.
posted by praemunire at 10:16 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
There are some people in such objectively horrible life situations that this kind of practice may simply be unrealistic or impossible. That's fine. But most lives here in the West are a mixture. And, of course, in the end, if it doesn't work for you...it just doesn't work for you. It's not a moral imperative, not even in the unbearable gloppy way wellness tries to back into its being moral.
posted by praemunire at 10:16 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
I think that "gratitude journaling" is kind of like antibacterial soap - it's something that legit works as a tool for a specific subset of people, but a whole lot of other people jumped on the bandwagon and made it seem like it was something that everyone should be doing - but for some people it's pointless at best, harmful at worst.
I think the point to gratitude journaling is as a kind of "emotional training" exercise for people who have a pretty okay life - a job they're okay with, they're in a decent financial place, their kids are pretty okay - but they're still feeling either super-pressured to do better to the point that it's getting bad for them, or they're super-worried that you're one paycheck away from ruin even when they aren't. For them....a gratitude journal can be a way to remind themselves that "hang on, I'm actually kind of okay. Sure, I may not have a jet-ski like the Johnsons do, but I have a family that loves me and I have a really pretty view out my back window, so who cares!"
However, a gratitude journal ain't gonna help much if you are hip-deep in debt and you're reduced to eating hot dogs at every meal because seriously, there's only so many times you can write "I'm grateful I'm not starving, at least?" before you would start to get seriously sick of it, and that defeats the purpose.
If gratitude journaling in particular isn't working for you, maybe try a more free-form journaling? It sounds like one thing you resent about gratitude journaling is the structured nature of it - like, the thought of HAVING to come up with THIS SPECIFIC number of things to be grateful for, and to do it EVERY day. Whereas if you go more freeform, then you can write about the cool stuff you are grateful for when it comes along, and you can also vent when you need that - and you can skip a day if you don't really need to either.
But really, a gratitude journal is a structured way for people to build the ability to acknowledge when things are pretty much going okay. And you don't necessarily need a structure to exercise that ability - a couple years ago, when I was newly unemployed and about to throw myself into a job search, I decided to take myself to a local park the Sunday before I started the job search, to just sit and read the paper. It was the first time in like three years I had done something so simple, and I came back from the park on such a ridiculous high that it sustained me through three weeks of job hunting - I had this glow in the back of my head that "hey, I can always go sit in the park, that's so awesome that I can go do that whenever I want!" I'd have put that in a gratitude journal if I had one - but I didn't need to have one, because I had that happy "yay park!" vibe in the back of my head already anyway.
Maybe gratitude journaling just isn't for you. And that is just fine. Not everyone really needs antibacterial soap either.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:18 AM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
I think the point to gratitude journaling is as a kind of "emotional training" exercise for people who have a pretty okay life - a job they're okay with, they're in a decent financial place, their kids are pretty okay - but they're still feeling either super-pressured to do better to the point that it's getting bad for them, or they're super-worried that you're one paycheck away from ruin even when they aren't. For them....a gratitude journal can be a way to remind themselves that "hang on, I'm actually kind of okay. Sure, I may not have a jet-ski like the Johnsons do, but I have a family that loves me and I have a really pretty view out my back window, so who cares!"
However, a gratitude journal ain't gonna help much if you are hip-deep in debt and you're reduced to eating hot dogs at every meal because seriously, there's only so many times you can write "I'm grateful I'm not starving, at least?" before you would start to get seriously sick of it, and that defeats the purpose.
If gratitude journaling in particular isn't working for you, maybe try a more free-form journaling? It sounds like one thing you resent about gratitude journaling is the structured nature of it - like, the thought of HAVING to come up with THIS SPECIFIC number of things to be grateful for, and to do it EVERY day. Whereas if you go more freeform, then you can write about the cool stuff you are grateful for when it comes along, and you can also vent when you need that - and you can skip a day if you don't really need to either.
But really, a gratitude journal is a structured way for people to build the ability to acknowledge when things are pretty much going okay. And you don't necessarily need a structure to exercise that ability - a couple years ago, when I was newly unemployed and about to throw myself into a job search, I decided to take myself to a local park the Sunday before I started the job search, to just sit and read the paper. It was the first time in like three years I had done something so simple, and I came back from the park on such a ridiculous high that it sustained me through three weeks of job hunting - I had this glow in the back of my head that "hey, I can always go sit in the park, that's so awesome that I can go do that whenever I want!" I'd have put that in a gratitude journal if I had one - but I didn't need to have one, because I had that happy "yay park!" vibe in the back of my head already anyway.
Maybe gratitude journaling just isn't for you. And that is just fine. Not everyone really needs antibacterial soap either.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:18 AM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
(If it helps to illustrate, one thing going on in my life right now is that a dog I love dearly is in the final stages of dying from cancer. Nothing I or his people can do will change that ultimate outcome. Every minute I spend grieving his death is a moment of distraction from enjoying his life while he's still here. I have really tried to focus in on the small pleasures of his day to day life instead of the huge grief waiting behind it. It takes some deliberation. And obviously I still spend some time grieving. But your attention isn't entirely out of your control. "To make injustice the only measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.")
posted by praemunire at 10:20 AM on November 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 10:20 AM on November 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
I know that plenty of people are able to express gratitude no matter what is happening their lives, and I feel like I should be grateful for what I have, but I just can't do it (at least not on paper--I can express gratitude to other people). Does anyone else have this reaction to a gratitude practice? Am I incurably perverse in this attitude? If there are others once like me out there, were you able to eventually find a way to gratitude? Should I even bother?
I can't journal, it's never been helpful for me. I am also crabby a lot and can get kind of wrapped up in whatever is really a problem for me at the time, usually some sort of physical malady (non-serious but serious enough) or a personal relationship I'm having a problem with. I'm also incredibly fortunate in a lot of ways so it feels bad (snotty) to feel ungrateful and it also feels bad (braggy) to feel grateful. During some of the darker days of COVID, I did start a mini-gratitude practice that helped me unwind before sleep. I did it for a long time because it helped and then it gradually faded because I didn't need it anymore. I'll probably get back to it. This is what it was
Think of four things to be grateful for, with the first three filled in. So the first three were: avocados (I love a perfect avocado, I am happy they exist in the world even if they're rare in my world), flowers (in a bouquet or just in a field, I love them), toothbrush (I've had some dental problems but I've been good at keeping my teeth clean and I am happy about that). And then I pick one more thing from that day's events, and it should, with any luck, be something I haven't picked before. And rthen because I am me I make an anagram with the first letters of all the things A F T _ and mush them around in my head a little, think about the word they formed and that helps me stop thinking about all the crabby things I've been thinking. There's no long-term gratitude, there's no "thanks higher power!" just a simple appreciation that even in some pretty miserable days, just having a stubbed toe heal or seeing a cool leaf on the sidewalk, can be a thing that is a tiny life raft of hope. Maybe that helps you as well.
posted by jessamyn at 10:30 AM on November 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
I can't journal, it's never been helpful for me. I am also crabby a lot and can get kind of wrapped up in whatever is really a problem for me at the time, usually some sort of physical malady (non-serious but serious enough) or a personal relationship I'm having a problem with. I'm also incredibly fortunate in a lot of ways so it feels bad (snotty) to feel ungrateful and it also feels bad (braggy) to feel grateful. During some of the darker days of COVID, I did start a mini-gratitude practice that helped me unwind before sleep. I did it for a long time because it helped and then it gradually faded because I didn't need it anymore. I'll probably get back to it. This is what it was
Think of four things to be grateful for, with the first three filled in. So the first three were: avocados (I love a perfect avocado, I am happy they exist in the world even if they're rare in my world), flowers (in a bouquet or just in a field, I love them), toothbrush (I've had some dental problems but I've been good at keeping my teeth clean and I am happy about that). And then I pick one more thing from that day's events, and it should, with any luck, be something I haven't picked before. And rthen because I am me I make an anagram with the first letters of all the things A F T _ and mush them around in my head a little, think about the word they formed and that helps me stop thinking about all the crabby things I've been thinking. There's no long-term gratitude, there's no "thanks higher power!" just a simple appreciation that even in some pretty miserable days, just having a stubbed toe heal or seeing a cool leaf on the sidewalk, can be a thing that is a tiny life raft of hope. Maybe that helps you as well.
posted by jessamyn at 10:30 AM on November 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
I was in your shoes, and I stopped trying to keep a gratitude list as it was then. Later I did keep a gratitude journal and it did help. I'm agnostic. If it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't!
I do agree with a number of posters above that for me it was about taking experiences down to the moment. And again, for me, it was because I was rarely in my moments that I couldn't get it to work. I wasn't enjoying the sun on my face, I was worrying about something else or feeling unloved. So for me, it wasn't a path to gratitude. It was a path to being in the present. And being present sometimes brings gratitude, or sometimes sorrow, or sometimes frustration.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:30 AM on November 1, 2021 [7 favorites]
I do agree with a number of posters above that for me it was about taking experiences down to the moment. And again, for me, it was because I was rarely in my moments that I couldn't get it to work. I wasn't enjoying the sun on my face, I was worrying about something else or feeling unloved. So for me, it wasn't a path to gratitude. It was a path to being in the present. And being present sometimes brings gratitude, or sometimes sorrow, or sometimes frustration.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:30 AM on November 1, 2021 [7 favorites]
I like warriorqueen's comment (+ the general comments about "it's about a moment" for gratitude) but something I want to add is that it is helpful for you to set up things or moments for you to be grateful for.
The quintessential example of this is the crockpot. "I don't have to make dinner tonight," you can think throughout the day, until finally you come home and your place smells wonderful and you can just toe off your work shoes and sit down to dinner. "Thank FUCK I did this, I am such a god damn modern genius of my life for putting a roast and onions in a pot and plugging it in."
I like to think of chores / getting shit done as my current self doing my future self a solid. It's a nice way to make shit work a little better. YMMV.
posted by snerson at 10:41 AM on November 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
The quintessential example of this is the crockpot. "I don't have to make dinner tonight," you can think throughout the day, until finally you come home and your place smells wonderful and you can just toe off your work shoes and sit down to dinner. "Thank FUCK I did this, I am such a god damn modern genius of my life for putting a roast and onions in a pot and plugging it in."
I like to think of chores / getting shit done as my current self doing my future self a solid. It's a nice way to make shit work a little better. YMMV.
posted by snerson at 10:41 AM on November 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
FWIW I would rather eat my own young than gratitude journal.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:45 AM on November 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:45 AM on November 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think you're supposed to go higher up the hierarchy of needs. Like, "I am grateful for the beam of sunlight that warmed my feet for a moment or two as I hung from the shackles awaiting the torturer." "I am grateful for the sight of the little butterfly clinging to the ragged weedy flower by the side of the road that I glimpsed out the dirty window of the smelly, overheated bus, crushed on both sides by other commuters, all of us on the way to our joyless jobs in the pitiless belly of the befouled city." I do this, in fact, every time I leave work really really really late for no reason other than that, once in chairs, I can't seem to get out of them again. "Oh look! There's a fox hunting at midnight on the lawn next to the parking lot! This is why I stayed so late, so I could see this little scamp." I'm not convinced by this horseshit, of course, but it warms me for a tiny portion of a moment, like the little match girl.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:14 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 11:14 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
Add me to the list of posters who think a gratitude journal is horse shit. To me it feels kind of contrived and fakey (?). And seriously fuck off to the people who make posts on social media about their gratitude lists!!! I agree 100% though with everyone who has said that being grateful for things IN THE MOMENT is a great practice to have. I've really tried to cultivate this during covid to keep from going insane. Like, "yes the world is a trash fire & I'm stuck at home, but look the sun came out & it is shining on me through the window and that feels really good" kind of stuff. Or those first few sips of coffee in the morning. Or the hamster who is soft and warm and tired so she's snuggling instead of running around atm. Those little things that make you feel happy, that are not tied to Big Goals or some sort of societal ideal. Pausing to really appreciate those moments is an incredibly helpful thing for wellbeing, IMHO.
posted by DTMFA at 11:40 AM on November 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 11:40 AM on November 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
Definitely if you don't like it and it's making you feel bad, you don't have to do it and you're not wrong for not liking something just because other people do.
But if you want to like it--I had this problem with keeping a journal, where I really wanted to be able to do it, but every time I got out my nice notebook and pen and tried to write stuff I was totally bogged down by feeling that nothing in my life was worthwhile or important enough to write down, and what if my future self (or worse, someone else) ever read it, and I'd just get so freaked out and stop and feel really stupid and bad about myself. It was a very frustrating experience!
For years I did this, on and off. And then one day, I was just like, well, I'm going to ruin it anyway, and I just wrote down what the weather was and how I'd slept the night before and the type of pen I was using, and now I've been doing that nearly every day for three years. Sometimes the weather leads into deep dives into my psyche or whatever, but a lot of times not and that's ok. I had to stop trying to make myself the type of person who journalled and instead just journal as the person I am.
So maybe your gratitude doesn't look like a hallmark card or like someone doing yoga perfectly silhouetted by a beautiful sunset #blessed--well, there are plenty of other people who have that niche covered. Maybe your gratitude is more like scrawling "paid" on on the back of a bill with a pen you stole from a bank; maybe it's like sitting alone in the dark thinking about the infinite void of the cosmos. Maybe it's like standing in a parking lot screaming "Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" as loud as you can while flipping the bird at everything that's messed up in the world.
Or maybe it's like tossing your gratitude journal in the trash and never thinking about it again; whatever it is, good luck to you, I hope you find what you need.
posted by radiogreentea at 11:52 AM on November 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
But if you want to like it--I had this problem with keeping a journal, where I really wanted to be able to do it, but every time I got out my nice notebook and pen and tried to write stuff I was totally bogged down by feeling that nothing in my life was worthwhile or important enough to write down, and what if my future self (or worse, someone else) ever read it, and I'd just get so freaked out and stop and feel really stupid and bad about myself. It was a very frustrating experience!
For years I did this, on and off. And then one day, I was just like, well, I'm going to ruin it anyway, and I just wrote down what the weather was and how I'd slept the night before and the type of pen I was using, and now I've been doing that nearly every day for three years. Sometimes the weather leads into deep dives into my psyche or whatever, but a lot of times not and that's ok. I had to stop trying to make myself the type of person who journalled and instead just journal as the person I am.
So maybe your gratitude doesn't look like a hallmark card or like someone doing yoga perfectly silhouetted by a beautiful sunset #blessed--well, there are plenty of other people who have that niche covered. Maybe your gratitude is more like scrawling "paid" on on the back of a bill with a pen you stole from a bank; maybe it's like sitting alone in the dark thinking about the infinite void of the cosmos. Maybe it's like standing in a parking lot screaming "Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" as loud as you can while flipping the bird at everything that's messed up in the world.
Or maybe it's like tossing your gratitude journal in the trash and never thinking about it again; whatever it is, good luck to you, I hope you find what you need.
posted by radiogreentea at 11:52 AM on November 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
I've tried several times, but it always sucked. It felt like damning the universe with faint praise.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:13 PM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:13 PM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
There are 10 positive emotions; if gratitude isn’t your game pick another and learn to cultivate it and it will grow to the others
Coursera has an amazing course in positive psychology by Barbara Frederickson.
For gratitude I mean I pick something I’m actually grateful for. That in my heart I enjoyed and appreciated.
Sometimes it’s like I’m grateful for that bagel I just ate hot damn it hit the spot.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:32 PM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
Coursera has an amazing course in positive psychology by Barbara Frederickson.
For gratitude I mean I pick something I’m actually grateful for. That in my heart I enjoyed and appreciated.
Sometimes it’s like I’m grateful for that bagel I just ate hot damn it hit the spot.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:32 PM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
I think you have to find the emotional hook that speaks to you. For me, I often get so buried in how bad "things" are that I start to think life is only bad things, and if I do a gratitude practice it's more like taking the time to notice things in the world that are good or worthy of love.
Not, "I have a job", that's a dumb abstract obligatory gratitude thing and makes me grouchy. But am I happy to have fresh apples in my grocery bag today? Whether my knee hurt too much to go for a walk, or hurt less, or somehow didn't hurt at all today but I still know it might tomorrow, it was still nice to go outside and feel breeze on my face, wasn't it?
These thoughts bring down my shoulders from around my ears and make me look around with a little wonder that seeds sprout and leaves change and food is tasty.
posted by Lady Li at 2:37 PM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
Not, "I have a job", that's a dumb abstract obligatory gratitude thing and makes me grouchy. But am I happy to have fresh apples in my grocery bag today? Whether my knee hurt too much to go for a walk, or hurt less, or somehow didn't hurt at all today but I still know it might tomorrow, it was still nice to go outside and feel breeze on my face, wasn't it?
These thoughts bring down my shoulders from around my ears and make me look around with a little wonder that seeds sprout and leaves change and food is tasty.
posted by Lady Li at 2:37 PM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
I am yet another person who loathes gratitude journaling as a practice, but who also tries to be mindful of the things that are good/pleasant in my life, which I feel like is to the same end.
So like, instead of writing "I am grateful for having a place to live" in a journal every day, which truly made me cringe just thinking of it, I just try to notice when things are nice. They don't have to be big or important.
Not long before the pandemic I got a cup of coffee and walked around my neighborhood with it. Like you, I tend to think of everything good as impermanent, but for the record I think that's fine and doesn't need to hamper a gratitude practice. So I was walking around with my coffee on an unseasonably warm winter day, and my future-brain was like "you know when you are old and society has collapsed you will not be able to go buy a coffee from a bougie coffee place by your house" and then my other brain was like "...yeah, okay, but I bought one today and it tastes good". I thought about that day a lot in the height of the pandemic, when I could not in fact go buy a coffee from my bougie coffee place, and I was glad that I'd appreciated it in the moment. Or if I find a new show on Netflix that I really like my future-brain will be like "one day you will not be able to lazily sit here and consume television because you will have to grow your own food" and my other brain can tell it "okay then we better watch this while we can."
I don't know. I don't think it's rational exactly, but if you get stuck on that "everything could get taken away at any time" part, like I do, it might help to reframe it as "then isn't it extra nice that I have it right now, in this moment".
posted by goodbyewaffles at 4:42 PM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
So like, instead of writing "I am grateful for having a place to live" in a journal every day, which truly made me cringe just thinking of it, I just try to notice when things are nice. They don't have to be big or important.
Not long before the pandemic I got a cup of coffee and walked around my neighborhood with it. Like you, I tend to think of everything good as impermanent, but for the record I think that's fine and doesn't need to hamper a gratitude practice. So I was walking around with my coffee on an unseasonably warm winter day, and my future-brain was like "you know when you are old and society has collapsed you will not be able to go buy a coffee from a bougie coffee place by your house" and then my other brain was like "...yeah, okay, but I bought one today and it tastes good". I thought about that day a lot in the height of the pandemic, when I could not in fact go buy a coffee from my bougie coffee place, and I was glad that I'd appreciated it in the moment. Or if I find a new show on Netflix that I really like my future-brain will be like "one day you will not be able to lazily sit here and consume television because you will have to grow your own food" and my other brain can tell it "okay then we better watch this while we can."
I don't know. I don't think it's rational exactly, but if you get stuck on that "everything could get taken away at any time" part, like I do, it might help to reframe it as "then isn't it extra nice that I have it right now, in this moment".
posted by goodbyewaffles at 4:42 PM on November 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
I felt exactly the same way when I tried gratitude journals! I felt put upon, I didn't order a sunset! Why should I be grateful for that? So I'm healthy? What about when I'm not?
So I turned it around: Who is grateful for me? Whose day has been made a little better by me being in their life? I was happy to remember that I'm one of the good bits of somebody else's day. And I started noticing when I was kind to a stranger, and started going out of my way to be more neighborly, and started feeling truly grateful for the people in my life who treasure me. And that feeling of being valued gave me the ability to experience true gratitude for other things, because my happiness really is important to a couple of people, just as their happiness is important to me.
posted by hiker U. at 8:37 PM on November 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
So I turned it around: Who is grateful for me? Whose day has been made a little better by me being in their life? I was happy to remember that I'm one of the good bits of somebody else's day. And I started noticing when I was kind to a stranger, and started going out of my way to be more neighborly, and started feeling truly grateful for the people in my life who treasure me. And that feeling of being valued gave me the ability to experience true gratitude for other things, because my happiness really is important to a couple of people, just as their happiness is important to me.
posted by hiker U. at 8:37 PM on November 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
Gratitude journaling is kind of counter intuitive. On one level it sounds like you are writing down all the things that make your life so great, as in a form of narcissism. Or recounting all the things that make your life so swell while there are plenty of beings on this planet who have nowhere near your level of comfort.
I don't journal exactly, I have a practice each night before sleep of writing down memorable moments of the day, replaying them in my mind as I do so. Then I make a gratefulness statement, just one.
It's said that in any memory you have, you remember typically just two parts, the strongest emotional content and the ending.
At the end of my day, I recall things that went pretty well, or that made me stop and pause, or were pleasant even if trivial. Just a hit list of what happened that day. Then I make a gratitude statement.
What I think I am doing with this process is making my memory of the day end with a positive note so on recall the day has a positive balance to it. Day after day after day.
This counteracts the brain's negative bias, the tendency to air out and ruminate on negative outcomes to the exclusion of positive events or outcomes. That's my journal.
posted by diode at 6:37 AM on November 2, 2021 [2 favorites]
I don't journal exactly, I have a practice each night before sleep of writing down memorable moments of the day, replaying them in my mind as I do so. Then I make a gratefulness statement, just one.
It's said that in any memory you have, you remember typically just two parts, the strongest emotional content and the ending.
At the end of my day, I recall things that went pretty well, or that made me stop and pause, or were pleasant even if trivial. Just a hit list of what happened that day. Then I make a gratitude statement.
What I think I am doing with this process is making my memory of the day end with a positive note so on recall the day has a positive balance to it. Day after day after day.
This counteracts the brain's negative bias, the tendency to air out and ruminate on negative outcomes to the exclusion of positive events or outcomes. That's my journal.
posted by diode at 6:37 AM on November 2, 2021 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Coming back in to say that the responses to this thread have been great--I feel like I've learned a lot (both for my own self and about how other people see the world). Just wanted to thank everyone for taking me seriously and giving their advice!
posted by kingdead at 8:37 AM on November 2, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by kingdead at 8:37 AM on November 2, 2021 [3 favorites]
Oh, just thought of another good example for the kind of mindset that would benefit from Gratitude Journaling, plus a real-world example of how more freeform journaling may work better.
A week or so ago, I was having a really good day, where I was noticing a lot of really lovely little things were happening. I was having a really good hair day, and felt energetic enough to actually do makeup (instead of just slapping concealer on any blemishes and hiding everything under a mask). I noticed some lovely leaves on the walk to my bus stop, passed by people walking some really cute dogs, and it was a pretty blue sky and I had a really nice lunch packed for myself....
...and in the middle of all that, for some reason I suddenly got the paranoid fear that "oh, what if all this wonderful stuff is happening as a sort of cosmic counterpoint to something bad coming?"
That brought me up short - because I had no idea where that thought came from. And it kept on coming up whenever I noticed nice stuff - "maybe this is your last good day before the zombies attack!" "Maybe you're about to lose your job!" and so on. When it got to the point that I paused to watch a busker when I was on my way home from work and caught myself thinking "that's it, this day was too good, you must be about to die", I took myself home and started journaling to help me figure out "what the HELL is up with me today?"
I was worried that these were signs that I was just not able to accept good stuff happening all on its own, and I was not able to let myself enjoy it. I went through shit luck period for several years - it's in the past now, fortunately, but sometimes aftereffects still pop up for me, and I wanted to check in and see if this was one. If I had realized that this was a default mindset for me, I might have started some gratitude journaling for a while, to kind of snap me out of the mindset that "something good just happened to me - that must mean something bad's about to happen". Instead, though, I came to the conclusion that it was just a weird intrusive thought that just glommed onto me early on, and stuck around like a kind of earworm and would probably go away on its own. Fortunately it has.
But that's what I think a gratitude journal is for, and I think maybe what you need is the other kind of journaling - a more freeform brain-dump kind of thing. That helped me way more - half the time when I was going through that tough period, a lot of my journals were brain dumps about money that eventually turned into some quick math that let me figure out that "oh okay, yeah, I am NOT down to my last penny after all, whew." Or I'd write down recipes or copy conversations I heard on the subway that I thought were funny. The point being, if there was something that happened during a day that made me happy, I'd already written about it in the moment, which meant I'd already noticed it, so I didn't need to try to sit down at the end of the day and think about it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:03 AM on November 2, 2021 [2 favorites]
A week or so ago, I was having a really good day, where I was noticing a lot of really lovely little things were happening. I was having a really good hair day, and felt energetic enough to actually do makeup (instead of just slapping concealer on any blemishes and hiding everything under a mask). I noticed some lovely leaves on the walk to my bus stop, passed by people walking some really cute dogs, and it was a pretty blue sky and I had a really nice lunch packed for myself....
...and in the middle of all that, for some reason I suddenly got the paranoid fear that "oh, what if all this wonderful stuff is happening as a sort of cosmic counterpoint to something bad coming?"
That brought me up short - because I had no idea where that thought came from. And it kept on coming up whenever I noticed nice stuff - "maybe this is your last good day before the zombies attack!" "Maybe you're about to lose your job!" and so on. When it got to the point that I paused to watch a busker when I was on my way home from work and caught myself thinking "that's it, this day was too good, you must be about to die", I took myself home and started journaling to help me figure out "what the HELL is up with me today?"
I was worried that these were signs that I was just not able to accept good stuff happening all on its own, and I was not able to let myself enjoy it. I went through shit luck period for several years - it's in the past now, fortunately, but sometimes aftereffects still pop up for me, and I wanted to check in and see if this was one. If I had realized that this was a default mindset for me, I might have started some gratitude journaling for a while, to kind of snap me out of the mindset that "something good just happened to me - that must mean something bad's about to happen". Instead, though, I came to the conclusion that it was just a weird intrusive thought that just glommed onto me early on, and stuck around like a kind of earworm and would probably go away on its own. Fortunately it has.
But that's what I think a gratitude journal is for, and I think maybe what you need is the other kind of journaling - a more freeform brain-dump kind of thing. That helped me way more - half the time when I was going through that tough period, a lot of my journals were brain dumps about money that eventually turned into some quick math that let me figure out that "oh okay, yeah, I am NOT down to my last penny after all, whew." Or I'd write down recipes or copy conversations I heard on the subway that I thought were funny. The point being, if there was something that happened during a day that made me happy, I'd already written about it in the moment, which meant I'd already noticed it, so I didn't need to try to sit down at the end of the day and think about it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:03 AM on November 2, 2021 [2 favorites]
Nthing you can practice gratitude and not journal. I 100% feel your frustration with the exercise. Things like this in particular that have any kind of performative aspect can come to feel false and frustrating.
This was how I created my approach to practicing gratitude: I remember a snippet of a gospel song in which a choir says, simply "Thank you, Jesus*." and like a meme, I play it in my mind in response to anything, small, large, fleeting, etc.: "That cloud is pretty." ~Thank you, Jesus~ "I found the hat I thought I'd lost on the floor of a crowded supermarket. ~Thank you, Jesus~ I have people I can talk to who understand where I'm coming from and who get my jokes sometimes. ~Thank you, Jesus.~
I do feel like it is a good/helpful thing, but it does take practice to start. Also, Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming I think is 100% valid too.
*Substitute what you will here.
posted by koucha at 10:46 AM on November 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
This was how I created my approach to practicing gratitude: I remember a snippet of a gospel song in which a choir says, simply "Thank you, Jesus*." and like a meme, I play it in my mind in response to anything, small, large, fleeting, etc.: "That cloud is pretty." ~Thank you, Jesus~ "I found the hat I thought I'd lost on the floor of a crowded supermarket. ~Thank you, Jesus~ I have people I can talk to who understand where I'm coming from and who get my jokes sometimes. ~Thank you, Jesus.~
I do feel like it is a good/helpful thing, but it does take practice to start. Also, Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming I think is 100% valid too.
*Substitute what you will here.
posted by koucha at 10:46 AM on November 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
I keep a grievance journal and it cheers me the heck up every time because it makes me realize I actually have good reasons to be gloomy, it isn't just me. I save gratitude journals for when I'm in a good mood.
posted by Peach at 4:09 PM on November 2, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Peach at 4:09 PM on November 2, 2021 [4 favorites]
I keep a gratitude journal. I list one thing a day. Some days it's the same thing as the day before, sometimes multiple days in a row. There have been a few days when I was in A Mood. and I actually wrote "nothing" because at the moment, I couldn't think of anything. And that was okay too. If I find that it becomes a burden or makes me feel bad, then I'll stop for a while (or maybe permanently).
posted by kathrynm at 4:35 PM on November 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by kathrynm at 4:35 PM on November 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
It doesn't have to be all big things it can also be little stuff like "Today I stepped on an extra crunchy leaf. It was very satisfying."
If you don't even have small joys like that to list then you should probably seek medical treatment for depression.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:28 PM on November 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
If you don't even have small joys like that to list then you should probably seek medical treatment for depression.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:28 PM on November 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
I do a single line each night, at the end of my regular daily update, listing something I'm grateful for or something good that happened that day. It can be simple, like "warm house" or "happy dogs at the dog park" or "sunny day". My only rule is that I need to come up with one thing. Some days I have to think about it for a while but there's always one thing.
posted by bink at 1:15 AM on November 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by bink at 1:15 AM on November 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
Random fun fact: in my hippie group yesterday, someone said she was writing a gratitude list from the POV of her dog.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:06 AM on November 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:06 AM on November 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
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