What does "romance" mean to you?
November 1, 2021 8:42 AM Subscribe
When you describe a relationship or feelings as being "romantic," or say that you have "romantic" interest in someone, what does that mean to you?
for me, if i say i have romantic feelings, it means i would like to
posted by j_curiouser at 9:25 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
- be an intimate friend
- enjoy mutual support
- do chores, activities, entertainment together
- have sexy times (ymmv chemistry being what it is)
- plan a coordinated path towards the near future
- share/exchange gestures of affection and attention
- be in the same space some degree more than we are now
posted by j_curiouser at 9:25 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
That I want to get sexual/physical, and pair bond with the person. I don't feel attracted to very many people sexually, so that's rare for me.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:30 AM on November 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:30 AM on November 1, 2021 [2 favorites]
To me, it reflects a wish to make grand gestures towards that person, to treat them - in particular moments, at least, better than could be remotely reasonable, or could realistically be reciprocated.
It may not be the best or healthiest definition, but it's what it means to me.
posted by wattle at 9:38 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
It may not be the best or healthiest definition, but it's what it means to me.
posted by wattle at 9:38 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
I'd say in common usage, it describes a desire to both spend a lot of intimate time with someone and eventually have sex with that person. There is a connotation that the sex would be within the "meaningful relationship" cultural frame, but that's often euphemistic. Saying you have "romantic feelings" for someone can just be a polite way of saying you wanna smash.
The asexual community has an interest in redefining the term within the "split attraction" model, where sexual attraction and romantic attraction are distinct feelings and not mutually interdependent. They are pretty vehement about this and they will certainly be in this thread. They're probably right, but that definition is a decidedly minority understanding of the word. If the sexual component is missing, describing your feelings or interest in someone as "romantic" (without a lot of additional contextual explanation) would invite serious miscommunication and probably lead to rightfully hurt feelings.
posted by Krawczak at 10:05 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
The asexual community has an interest in redefining the term within the "split attraction" model, where sexual attraction and romantic attraction are distinct feelings and not mutually interdependent. They are pretty vehement about this and they will certainly be in this thread. They're probably right, but that definition is a decidedly minority understanding of the word. If the sexual component is missing, describing your feelings or interest in someone as "romantic" (without a lot of additional contextual explanation) would invite serious miscommunication and probably lead to rightfully hurt feelings.
posted by Krawczak at 10:05 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
For me it means to meet someone's needs and wants as fully as possible and desiring to have your own met as well, extending to needs and wants that one would not expect a friendship to fulfill such as sex/physical intimacy, long term plans of partnership, emotional support in times of stress or grief, a commitment to caring for and supporting them through health issues when needed, and making major life decisions that take the other person into account as an equally important factor as yourself.
It also means wanting to deeply know, understand, and accept that person, and to use that information to love them the way they want to be loved. It means having a desire to, and enjoying, creating special moments for that person, ones that demonstrate that you are paying attention to things they like or appreciate.
posted by ananci at 10:27 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
It also means wanting to deeply know, understand, and accept that person, and to use that information to love them the way they want to be loved. It means having a desire to, and enjoying, creating special moments for that person, ones that demonstrate that you are paying attention to things they like or appreciate.
posted by ananci at 10:27 AM on November 1, 2021 [3 favorites]
For me romance is a desire for intimacy, which has overlap with, but is different from, a desire for companionship or a desire for sex. When I feel romantic:
I want to stare into their eyes for extended periods of time (usually not my thing)
I want to always be touching them, in affectionate / cherishing ways (different from sexual ways)
I want to tell them all the things I notice about them, and hear all the things they notice about me
I want to share secrets with them, and hear theirs
I want to do special things for them that nobody else would do or know to do for them, to make them feel loved and treasured
I want to feel understood without a lot of words, and feel like I also understand them without a lot of words
I want to feel like we exist in a tiny bubble of two and nothing matters more than each other
I want to feel like the feeling is growing and increasing.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:04 PM on November 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
I want to stare into their eyes for extended periods of time (usually not my thing)
I want to always be touching them, in affectionate / cherishing ways (different from sexual ways)
I want to tell them all the things I notice about them, and hear all the things they notice about me
I want to share secrets with them, and hear theirs
I want to do special things for them that nobody else would do or know to do for them, to make them feel loved and treasured
I want to feel understood without a lot of words, and feel like I also understand them without a lot of words
I want to feel like we exist in a tiny bubble of two and nothing matters more than each other
I want to feel like the feeling is growing and increasing.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:04 PM on November 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
What the word “romance” means to me: Feeling that someone else is deeply, dizzyingly special to me, and wanting to do things that will make *them* feel that specialness. Often involves sexual desire, but can definitely be a feeling in intense friendships that don’t have an explicitly sexual energy or chemistry. That said, it almost invariably includes intense desire to see that person, be near them, touch them, know more about them, delight in them.
What it means to me to describe a relationship as “romantic”: I think I pretty exclusively use “romantic” as a relationship descriptor to differentiate relationships where I would eventually want to fall in love with a person. Having sex is a necessary component to being in love for me, but a “romantic” relationship is one where the sex would be tied up in love and intimacy feelings. (I’ve never had a fuck buddy, but I suppose some analogous words to describe that would be “physical”, “casual”.) “Romantic” functions to separate out those relationships where being in love is an ostensible goal from “platonic” relationships where there is deep love but not in-loveness or the potentially escalating desire to entwine my life with this other person’s.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 8:12 PM on November 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
What it means to me to describe a relationship as “romantic”: I think I pretty exclusively use “romantic” as a relationship descriptor to differentiate relationships where I would eventually want to fall in love with a person. Having sex is a necessary component to being in love for me, but a “romantic” relationship is one where the sex would be tied up in love and intimacy feelings. (I’ve never had a fuck buddy, but I suppose some analogous words to describe that would be “physical”, “casual”.) “Romantic” functions to separate out those relationships where being in love is an ostensible goal from “platonic” relationships where there is deep love but not in-loveness or the potentially escalating desire to entwine my life with this other person’s.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 8:12 PM on November 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
It means that as well as being sexually attracted to them, I also want to spend time with them and become more intimate. My partner does romantic things for me when they do things that either are meant to appeal specifically to me or be an expression of our relationship and I appreciate those things.
Although I am happy to accept that romantic feelings exist without sexual attraction for other people, I find romance without attraction to be unromantic. I agree most strongly with the descriptions above that include pair bonding. I find if a relationship is platonic, it is not romantic.
posted by plonkee at 8:51 AM on November 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
Although I am happy to accept that romantic feelings exist without sexual attraction for other people, I find romance without attraction to be unromantic. I agree most strongly with the descriptions above that include pair bonding. I find if a relationship is platonic, it is not romantic.
posted by plonkee at 8:51 AM on November 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
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The in-love feeling is a distinct sub-experience from the feeling of loving.
The feeling of romance is linked to an urge to pair bond. This is one way it is distinct from the feeling of love, because that can be very one way - as with a child. With a child the feeling is "i am going to take care of this person" but without expectation of care taking back. With romance there is a feeling that this person is tribe, that they are, or are becoming someone that can be relied upon and whose needs must be met.
Romantic gestures indicate this and also create the feeling of being recognized, accepted as is, and essential.
It is possible to get the feeling by observing real or fictional relationships that demonstrate this depth of pair bonding.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:59 AM on November 1, 2021 [9 favorites]