You only like new-person sex. What now?

October 28, 2021 11:32 AM

When it's with a brand new person, I often enjoy having sex. When it's not, I reliably don't. What is this called? (A previous partner called me 'aromantic', but when I googled, it seemed as though most aromantic people are also ace?) What do most people who are this way do about it?

I'm 38, and this has been the downfall of virtually all of my relationships - the characteristic experience of being-in-a-relationship, for me, is having sex I don't want to have. Lots of those relationships became wonderful friendships as soon as that expectation was removed, so it certainly wasn't the other person's fault. It's not a when-I'm-in-the-mood thing, either - I'll literally never want to, and just the feeling that the other person would be keen on the idea makes me feel grossed out and want to avoid seeing them at all - it poisons everything.

posted by wattle to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Aromantic is a different word than asexual for a reason. Many people are both, you don’t have to be. You like certain kinds of sex but are not interested in a monogamous sexual relationship. (Are you interested in having a life partner if sex/monogamy didn’t have to be part of the deal?)

Anyway, I think your next step is probably spend time with a trusted friend (or therapist) who will both take you at your word when you make statements about yourself, but also ask you questions that help you dig deeper into what these things mean and how you feel about them. Maybe there are things in your past that helped “wire” your brain this way, and maybe (with much effort) you can unpack those experience and overcome them (if you think you want to).

Or you can just accept that this is who and how you are, and be very honest with people you have sex with in the future.
posted by itesser at 11:45 AM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]

There's a script round here for asking you to talk to your therapist. I'm addicted to novelty in many areas of life and also have perfectionism/refusal to perform in front of others. I could see how that experience might align with what you've got going on there.

We also ought to ask a frank question how much attention you give your partner: does catching feels mean you're closer to the person and want to give them a better experience? If you're just rutting without much focus on shared enjoyment with a new person, does it change when they're a full person you know?
posted by k3ninho at 11:57 AM on October 28, 2021

What do you want from a relationship? There are plenty of poly people (or people who are otherwise open to non-traditional relationships) who would be likely be happy to cohabitate/etc with you, while you both have sex with other (new) people. I think the most important thing for making that sort of thing work is just being very up-front with people about what you want and your plans/intentions.

Talking to a sex therapist also sounds likely to be fruitful, if that's a option for you — they will probably have had many clients with similar experiences and will probably be able to suggest useful ways of thinking about this and strategies for change (if that's what you want).
posted by wesleyac at 12:16 PM on October 28, 2021

FWIW, there are ace people who have sex — and it's totally consistent to find new-person sex fun for reasons other than sexual attraction. ("Sleeping with someone you're not sexually attracted to a few times" can be, like, cool as an adventure, or an expression of intense romance and new relationship energy, or a fun way to get to know a secret side of someone, or flattering, or just feel physically good, or whatever, and "Sleeping with someone you're not sexually attracted to for years" can still be totally unappealing.)

And there are also aro people who aren't ace.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:22 PM on October 28, 2021 [5 favorites]

Declining sexual attraction (just sexual attraction, the romantic aspect is separated) after initial contact is referred to as "fraysexual" on the ace spectrum, if that helps any.

Fray-romantic may also be a thing, but it sounds like it's the sex part for you.
posted by Grim Fridge at 12:31 PM on October 28, 2021 [1 favorite]

I've heard this described as NRE (New Relationship Energy):

See for example:
New Relationship Energy: What It Is & How to Deal With It
Common NRE Mistakes
posted by tiamat at 1:08 PM on October 28, 2021

I dated someone just like this. She solved this problem for herself by only having nonmonogamous relationships and sleeping with whoever she wanted. Most of her relationships were pretty low-scope and she would see each partner maybe once or twice a month. Many people she only slept with once or twice and then moved on. She was clear about her intentions up front and it worked for her.

I guess one question to ask yourself is what you want out of a romantic and/or sexual relationship. Do you WANT to be able to have a long-term sexual relationship with the same person, or do you just feel like you SHOULD want it?
posted by mekily at 1:26 PM on October 28, 2021 [8 favorites]

I'd call this novelty-seeking. I also think it's worth exploring with a therapist if you feel like this is having a negative impact on you or people you care about. This lines makes me think it's been a problem:
the feeling that the other person would be keen on the idea makes me feel grossed out and want to avoid seeing them at all - it poisons everything

I agree with others that it's important to know what kind of relationship you want. If you want a long-term, committed partnership that looks like a fairly traditional romantic relationship but doesn't include sex, it seems like you'll want to be upfront with people that that's what you can offer. However, if you are happy to see people for short-term relationships only, and you're upfront with them that you're not interested in more, then that's okay too.

I also wonder if you're monogamous generally or non-monogamous. I think some kind of non-monogamy might work well for you.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:08 PM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]

Best answer: It seems like the thing that would make this more complicated than just "have a nonsexual primary partner and then be non-monogamous" is that you will want to have sex with your primary partner...for a minute.

So it's less simple than "I don't want our relationship to have a sexual component." It's actually "I do want our relationship to have this component but then I will STOP wanting that and I need YOU to stop wanting it too--not just stop asking for it, actually stop wanting it at all, or else I will be unable to bear spending time with you."

That's a big ask.

But that's only actually a problem if you want a permanent-type life-partner-type relationship. If you're happy to just have good friends and constant variety in sex partners that's, you know, not really a problem at all if you're honest with folks.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:22 PM on October 28, 2021 [7 favorites]

(Or alternately if you're fine with building a life-partnership sort of thing that is totally platonic from go, or somehow find a partner who just happens to share this particular strong aversion to relationship sex)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:24 PM on October 28, 2021 [1 favorite]

I have a friend who is like this and considers themselves ace, just as a data point. They are polyamorous and this has worked out pretty well for them.
posted by lunasol at 2:45 PM on October 28, 2021

Perhaps, you are more into the "getting to know your body" bit about your new partner than anything else. That sense of discovery, about what makes him or her tick...
posted by kschang at 3:27 PM on October 28, 2021

Sounds like you're freysexual to me.
posted by kate4914 at 4:00 PM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]

This is not the same thing as aromantic. The reasoning is you have come to expect a lull in everything physical once the other not sexy pitfalls set in. In other words there is no newness because you have been made cold to it all after seeing the unromantic side. The only thing to do is without telling your partners spend a few days apart in random intervals to create a kind of longing for them. Or let them know that sex is not the primary basis of a relationship so you plan to keep your options open.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 4:16 PM on October 28, 2021

I agree with the freysexual label. It's usually defined as "you feel sexually attracted to the person... until you know him/her better." It's often considered a subtype of asexual-ity. The opposite of which is demisexual, that you are only sexually attracted to a person you know at a deeper level emotionally.

You can be both freysexual and demiromantic, which means the more you love someone, the less you want to have sex with him/her.
posted by kschang at 5:37 PM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I'm a bit like this and consider myself asexual or greysexual (though freysexual is probably more specifically accurate). There can be a bit of fuzziness to the various subsets within the asexual umbrella. I'm also definitely romantic and driven towards monogamy. I've been lucky enough to find someone compatable, but I've also only come to accept my asexuality within the past several years (I was 36ish), and previous relationships had been very difficult. Starting out my current relationship, I tried being as straightforward as I could about my sexuality -- that we may have sex in the beginning of the relationship, but if sex was something they needed, I would not be able to fulfill that need for very long. (There were some specifics to our situation that made things easier -- I had dated their best friend ten years prior, and, consequently, they knew I was somewhere in the asexual spectrum before I did.)

I don't know how much this answers your questions -- I'm relatively new to this myself. You are not alone.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:47 PM on October 28, 2021 [2 favorites]

Well, it doesnt matter as much what most people do, it depends on what *you* want here. Do you see this as something you want to change about yourself? If so, working with a therapist who specializes sexuality could help. Perhaps there is trauma to uncover or simply internalized negative messaging from childhood that is skewing the way you perceive and engage with your (and others') sexual nature.

Or, as has been suggested up thread, this is something to accept about yourself, that you neither want to or can change. You may decide this now, or you may discover this in therapy. If that's the case, as you can here here, there is a lot of support and increasing societal awareness of different types of sexuality, with plenty of ways to engage in a healthy way with people that is open and honest and both/all of you can feel good about what's happening.
posted by ananci at 10:20 AM on October 29, 2021

Best answer: I've seen a pattern like this in people who have screwed up sexual dynamics with family members, e.g. a history of abuse or covert incest, which is shockingly common. The way it works, in my experience, is that you have a "partner" relationship slot where you're open to intimate sexual bonding, and a "family" relationship slot where sex is taboo and gross. If your family members occupies the sexual bonding slot, that means your partner ends up occupying a family member slot and you can't stomach the thought of sex with them. What could be happening here is that as you grow in intimacy with your partner, sex shifts from a one-off fun thing to a mechanism for intimate bonding, and then oops everything is topsy turvy.

Put more succinctly, if your mother treated you like a surrogate partner, it means she was effectively your first girlfriend before you even knew what the concept of a girlfriend was and your sexuality grew around that concept... And then every girlfriend you try to have afterwards is going to feel weirdly like a mother.
posted by PercussivePaul at 4:57 PM on October 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Not sure if this has any bearing, but recall reading this from one of those "Men's Guide to Women" type books that the author claimed to have a girlfriend who swears that she cares deeply for him, but refuses to have sex with him while does have sex with randos that she doesn't care for. She eventually explained to him that her mind was kinda warped when it comes to relationships, that sex is something you do with people you do NOT care for due to prior family trauma, and she has some issues she needed to work through. Author proclaimed that he will NOT have sex with her unless she BEGGED him for it... several times but they will do all the other relationship stuff. She did eventually get into his bed weeks later, after begging multiple times.

No idea about the veracity of the incident, and I swear this book was published several decades ago. So its applicability to modern day is... questionable.
posted by kschang at 9:52 PM on October 29, 2021

I find that for long term relationships, I need to have a much higher level of attraction to a person than for first time sex. I think this goes to what nebulawindphone wrote about. The first time sex has other components, from the novelty to the ego/vanity to the curiosity to the romance of possibility, that brings its own energy that can temporarily replace true visceral attraction.

I think a lot of us get so many messages about what we should be attracted to that we might lose touch with what we're really attracted to. For men, this is more often pressure to be attracted to thin, conventionally beautiful people. For women, pressure to be attracted to a sense of humor or kindness and to disregard a person's actual physicality. We lose the distinction between, "I aesthetically/holistically admire that person" and "I physically desire that person".
posted by Salamandrous at 1:01 PM on October 30, 2021