dating while weird
July 16, 2019 1:37 AM Subscribe
I feel like I am too weird to date, but lately I want to start dating. Fellow weirdos of Mefi, how do I approach online dating when I don't feel like I am very similar to almost anyone else in the pool?
This is why I describe myself as weird:
(1) I am a virgin.
(2) It takes me a very long time to get to know people. Like... it takes me years and years. On the plus side this means my real friendships are all decades old. On the minus side it takes me years to decide whether I am actually close to a person. I actively distrust first impressions. Most of the people I've clicked with on first meeting them, I have gone on to realise weren't good for me. The best people in my life are the people whom I would have dismissed upon first meeting them, if I believed in first impressions.
(3) I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my higher power. That's actually one of the reasons I have never had sex. It's gotten less complicated of late and I am ok with having sex in principle, I just have no experience and no idea of how to get there.
(4) This is where I feel like I get very weird. I do not experience sexual attraction the way it is written about in books. For me, when I am attracted to someone I want to be emotionally intimate with them, hold them and cuddle them and have their full attention. I am not actively interested in having sex with them, even though I am open to it in principle. I don't know what it means to want to have sex with a person. This is completely alien to me. It might just be because I am a virgin and don't have any experience of sex. But surely it has to be something you want, right?
(5) I am very put off by overt flirting, especially when it is very sexualised. I am almost repulsed by it. Especially when the person doesn't know you well.
However, I have recently discovered in myself a desire to want to become intimate with a person and so I know that even if I am a little asexual or whatever, I am not aromantic and I actually WANT to be loved and cherished etc. But in real life I keep meeting people who aren't available for whatever reason. So I guess I need to try online dating, but my limited experience of it makes me feel like it's not for people like me who take years to make up their minds about the people they choose to trust and who are not particularly sexually motivated. I know that dating is all about first impressions and chemistry, but I am just not about that life. It's not hard for me to charm people at first meeting, but I know that's not authentic.
I have tried online dating in the past and categorised myself as 'Asexual' and got zero messages. Most women (oh, I'm a cishet woman) talk about having too many messages, but I'm the opposite, I get none. I'm also a POC, which might have something to do with that; I've read studies that POCs get less attention than white women.
I realise I have described myself as very odd but I am actually quite a normal person apart from these things. I don't think anyone who knew me in real life would describe as weird unless they knew me very well - and I haven't spoken about much of the above to people I know in real life. Certainly with regards to the possible asexuality - no one in my life knows about that.
I am clever, empathetic, warm and open, I have no problem attracting new friends (although, as I said, it takes me years to categorise them as friends) but absolutely no luck romantically.
I am looking for some practical advice on how to approach online dating when you don't feel like you're like other people. Maybe I am less weird than I think? That's certainly possible. But although words of encouragement would be nice, even more helpful would be solid advice on how to approach online dating (the profile, the messaging, the dates) when you are like me and just not good at any of that stuff.
This is why I describe myself as weird:
(1) I am a virgin.
(2) It takes me a very long time to get to know people. Like... it takes me years and years. On the plus side this means my real friendships are all decades old. On the minus side it takes me years to decide whether I am actually close to a person. I actively distrust first impressions. Most of the people I've clicked with on first meeting them, I have gone on to realise weren't good for me. The best people in my life are the people whom I would have dismissed upon first meeting them, if I believed in first impressions.
(3) I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my higher power. That's actually one of the reasons I have never had sex. It's gotten less complicated of late and I am ok with having sex in principle, I just have no experience and no idea of how to get there.
(4) This is where I feel like I get very weird. I do not experience sexual attraction the way it is written about in books. For me, when I am attracted to someone I want to be emotionally intimate with them, hold them and cuddle them and have their full attention. I am not actively interested in having sex with them, even though I am open to it in principle. I don't know what it means to want to have sex with a person. This is completely alien to me. It might just be because I am a virgin and don't have any experience of sex. But surely it has to be something you want, right?
(5) I am very put off by overt flirting, especially when it is very sexualised. I am almost repulsed by it. Especially when the person doesn't know you well.
However, I have recently discovered in myself a desire to want to become intimate with a person and so I know that even if I am a little asexual or whatever, I am not aromantic and I actually WANT to be loved and cherished etc. But in real life I keep meeting people who aren't available for whatever reason. So I guess I need to try online dating, but my limited experience of it makes me feel like it's not for people like me who take years to make up their minds about the people they choose to trust and who are not particularly sexually motivated. I know that dating is all about first impressions and chemistry, but I am just not about that life. It's not hard for me to charm people at first meeting, but I know that's not authentic.
I have tried online dating in the past and categorised myself as 'Asexual' and got zero messages. Most women (oh, I'm a cishet woman) talk about having too many messages, but I'm the opposite, I get none. I'm also a POC, which might have something to do with that; I've read studies that POCs get less attention than white women.
I realise I have described myself as very odd but I am actually quite a normal person apart from these things. I don't think anyone who knew me in real life would describe as weird unless they knew me very well - and I haven't spoken about much of the above to people I know in real life. Certainly with regards to the possible asexuality - no one in my life knows about that.
I am clever, empathetic, warm and open, I have no problem attracting new friends (although, as I said, it takes me years to categorise them as friends) but absolutely no luck romantically.
I am looking for some practical advice on how to approach online dating when you don't feel like you're like other people. Maybe I am less weird than I think? That's certainly possible. But although words of encouragement would be nice, even more helpful would be solid advice on how to approach online dating (the profile, the messaging, the dates) when you are like me and just not good at any of that stuff.
Demisexual might be a term that is more accurate in your situation, if it feels right for you.
There are asexual dating apps and sites, I think.
Good luck
posted by Jacen at 3:21 AM on July 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
There are asexual dating apps and sites, I think.
Good luck
posted by Jacen at 3:21 AM on July 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
If you're open to a book recommendation, Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are is a glorious book that deconstructs myths about female sexuality. Reading it made me feel a lot less weird and gave me the vocabulary to advocate for myself in intimate relationships.
posted by toastedcheese at 3:44 AM on July 16, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by toastedcheese at 3:44 AM on July 16, 2019 [12 favorites]
I was just coming in to suggest the term "demisexual" to you. From my understanding of the word, it sounds exactly like what you say about only feeling a physical attraction when you are emotionally close to someone first.
Also:
I don't know what it means to want to have sex with a person. This is completely alien to me. It might just be because I am a virgin and don't have any experience of sex. But surely it has to be something you want, right?
There is no "should" when it comes to sex. There is only "what is comfortable for you". And that "what is comfortable for you" is different for everyone.
Also, your complaints about continuing to meet people who are unavailable for one reason or another are nigh universal, and have nothing to do with you being "weird" or a virgin; I'm definitely not a virgin (although the jury's out on whether I'm weird; heh), and that's been a common problem for me. Same with the "most women complain about getting too many messages" - I barely get any. And I think you'll find a lot more people who don't really get many messages than you think.
It just might feel like you're out of step with the rest of the world because the majority of people on traditional dating sites might be looking for something physical quicker. But that's just a majority opinion, that's not a sign that you're doing anything wrong.
It sounds like you're taking a lot of what "everyone says" about online dating and about sex at face value, and it may be worth it to yourself to do a bit of digging and talking to your friends to see what their experiences are. You may be surprised that the reality is a little different. And - you may also find that you're not weird after all - you just like to build an emotional connection first, and that's just fine.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:11 AM on July 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
Also:
I don't know what it means to want to have sex with a person. This is completely alien to me. It might just be because I am a virgin and don't have any experience of sex. But surely it has to be something you want, right?
There is no "should" when it comes to sex. There is only "what is comfortable for you". And that "what is comfortable for you" is different for everyone.
Also, your complaints about continuing to meet people who are unavailable for one reason or another are nigh universal, and have nothing to do with you being "weird" or a virgin; I'm definitely not a virgin (although the jury's out on whether I'm weird; heh), and that's been a common problem for me. Same with the "most women complain about getting too many messages" - I barely get any. And I think you'll find a lot more people who don't really get many messages than you think.
It just might feel like you're out of step with the rest of the world because the majority of people on traditional dating sites might be looking for something physical quicker. But that's just a majority opinion, that's not a sign that you're doing anything wrong.
It sounds like you're taking a lot of what "everyone says" about online dating and about sex at face value, and it may be worth it to yourself to do a bit of digging and talking to your friends to see what their experiences are. You may be surprised that the reality is a little different. And - you may also find that you're not weird after all - you just like to build an emotional connection first, and that's just fine.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:11 AM on July 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
Maybe you are ace spectrum. Is it also possible you experience responsive desire? That would explain why you've never had that "out of the blue" fiery tingling you read about. Seconding Emily Nagoski! Her blog posts on arousal are amazing.
I don't think you're weird, but I do think you're a statistical outlier. I am too in different ways! The thing about being "on the fringes" is that if you want to attract people you like, you have to be loud and you have to go searching. A passive approach just will not work — it's not impossible, but it's extremely unlikely you'll find your person by sitting back and letting them come to you. If you're one in a thousand, and you're looking for a one in a thousand match, do you wait for a thousand people to come by and hope you recognize each other in the fray?? No! You figure out what makes you weird, and you peacock those traits hard so other peacocks can find you, and you start hanging in the places where peacocks hang out. The magic of in-groups can cut that thousand down to fifty. The pool is huge, you just need to find your corner.
I'd definitely suggest: a) being honest about who you are with true friends and potential dates, instead of hiding these important parts of yourself, and b) actively seeking out like-minded people.
I'd maybe suggest: c) working on your trust game so you can gauge matches faster and more accurately, which is an essential outlier skill if you have to play the numbers -- perhaps there's room for improvement here?, and d) practicing nonsexual flirting, which is a totally worthwhile art form that doesn't have to leave you feeling gross, and is simply about affirming mutual likability in a playful way. Questions to ponder: do you feel icky when someone flirts with you because you feel unsafe or like there are sexual expectations attached? What is it exactly that makes trusting and flirting hard? (Maybe such responses are never going to come easy or be desirable for you, that's okay! Skepticism is a powerful tool. I'm just curious whether the distrust and disgust are generalized responses -- part of your character -- or elicited by specific cues and tied to deeper feelings like fear or shame, which you could maybe learn to work through/around.)
Online dating -- OKC for sure. You can even sort potential matches by asexual and demisexual tags!
Photos -- at least 3, no more than 8. Clear, well composed pics of you in different places, wearing different clothes, doing different things, at different angles. Try a variety of moods: happy, smart, cuddly, artistic, serious, competent, intrigue, etc. A good sampling might include: at least one with friends, one at a public event, one outdoors, one being athletic, one with an animal, one working on a project, one in your home or studio, a closeup face shot, a couple neck-up shots, a full body pose. If you suck at taking photos get a friend to help!
Profile -- Highlight your values, sense of humor, the way you spend your time, what makes you smile, what you have to offer. Read a bunch of profiles and see what you like, then model yours after those. Suggest some first date ideas. Who are you looking for? Show by example rather than listing out a bunch of adjectives. Keep it positive - generally, say what you do want, not what you don't. Since low sexual interest is pretty stigmatized in our culture, I would frame @hotcoroner's suggestion like "Totally romantic demisexual here! Nahh to hookups but I'm sooo game for cuddles, low-key dates and cozy intimacy. I want to cherish you and be cherished right back!" Yeah, it might cut down your response rate. But the people who do reach out you will be messaging you because they want what you got, not in spite of it.
Messaging -- You message first. Scroll through 50 profiles a week, I'm serious. Treat it like a job. Choose your top 5. Pluck any interesting tidbit out of a guy's profile and say something charming about it. Be bold even if it hurts! "I love Really Good Book too, let's get coffee and talk about Favorite Protagonist!" The trick is to be specific. If he responds favorably, suggest a meeting as soon as possible. "There's a great cafe on 40th called Sub Rosa. What's your week like? I'm free Sunday at 2." He says yes, then you meet. You should be able to arrange a date in 5 to 7 text volleys. If it takes longer than that you are probably wasting your time or not being assertive enough.
Dates -- Two main categories here. 1) The Coffee Date. Ideal for feeling out initial click, seeing if the convo flows, do you have stuff in common? Also you can leave in a hurry if the date goes sour which is rad. Low commitment. If it goes well you can extend it into a Walk In The Park Date. However, doesn't showcase people who aren't talkative, are extremely shy, or do better in hands-on scenarios. 2) The Adventure Date. This could be all kinds of things: taking a class, going to a museum, hiking, casual group activity with friends. Good because you get a better sense of how someone responds to a challenge and how they handle social situations. Hard to keep up a highly curated first impression when you're sweaty :) Bad because it takes more time and you're stuck with them, also it can preclude intimate conversation.
Going on the date -- Choose places where you have a good mix of people-watching and privacy. You want to be able to hear each other talk, but also have stuff to talk about. Let's say you choose a cute café. Does it have good ambiance? Do they serve a variety of beverages and goods in case someone doesn't drink caffeine or has an allergy? Is there a park nearby if you want to adjourn? Perhaps a main street with restaurants, exhibitions, a street fair, a movie theater? Plan plan plan! You never have to do all the things but you should always know what's available. "Spontaneity" is a mix of foresight and opportunity. Choose stuff you actually want to do. Even if there's no special click, you ought to have a great afternoon!
None of this is foolproof, there are always exceptions. Dating is a skill and you too can master it, these are commonalities I've observed over a hundred or so dates. Now get out there, you got this!
As for sexual experience, one ring to rule them all: masturbate. If you are near a big city with a friendly feminist sex shop, email the proprietors to set up a private appointment so you can get a tour of toys and useful guides. Go home with something new! Also OMGyes is incredible and well worth the fee. You can view it in the privacy of your own home. If nothing else it will be a curious sexalogical perspective for you.
posted by aw jeez at 4:24 AM on July 16, 2019 [20 favorites]
I don't think you're weird, but I do think you're a statistical outlier. I am too in different ways! The thing about being "on the fringes" is that if you want to attract people you like, you have to be loud and you have to go searching. A passive approach just will not work — it's not impossible, but it's extremely unlikely you'll find your person by sitting back and letting them come to you. If you're one in a thousand, and you're looking for a one in a thousand match, do you wait for a thousand people to come by and hope you recognize each other in the fray?? No! You figure out what makes you weird, and you peacock those traits hard so other peacocks can find you, and you start hanging in the places where peacocks hang out. The magic of in-groups can cut that thousand down to fifty. The pool is huge, you just need to find your corner.
I'd definitely suggest: a) being honest about who you are with true friends and potential dates, instead of hiding these important parts of yourself, and b) actively seeking out like-minded people.
I'd maybe suggest: c) working on your trust game so you can gauge matches faster and more accurately, which is an essential outlier skill if you have to play the numbers -- perhaps there's room for improvement here?, and d) practicing nonsexual flirting, which is a totally worthwhile art form that doesn't have to leave you feeling gross, and is simply about affirming mutual likability in a playful way. Questions to ponder: do you feel icky when someone flirts with you because you feel unsafe or like there are sexual expectations attached? What is it exactly that makes trusting and flirting hard? (Maybe such responses are never going to come easy or be desirable for you, that's okay! Skepticism is a powerful tool. I'm just curious whether the distrust and disgust are generalized responses -- part of your character -- or elicited by specific cues and tied to deeper feelings like fear or shame, which you could maybe learn to work through/around.)
Online dating -- OKC for sure. You can even sort potential matches by asexual and demisexual tags!
Photos -- at least 3, no more than 8. Clear, well composed pics of you in different places, wearing different clothes, doing different things, at different angles. Try a variety of moods: happy, smart, cuddly, artistic, serious, competent, intrigue, etc. A good sampling might include: at least one with friends, one at a public event, one outdoors, one being athletic, one with an animal, one working on a project, one in your home or studio, a closeup face shot, a couple neck-up shots, a full body pose. If you suck at taking photos get a friend to help!
Profile -- Highlight your values, sense of humor, the way you spend your time, what makes you smile, what you have to offer. Read a bunch of profiles and see what you like, then model yours after those. Suggest some first date ideas. Who are you looking for? Show by example rather than listing out a bunch of adjectives. Keep it positive - generally, say what you do want, not what you don't. Since low sexual interest is pretty stigmatized in our culture, I would frame @hotcoroner's suggestion like "Totally romantic demisexual here! Nahh to hookups but I'm sooo game for cuddles, low-key dates and cozy intimacy. I want to cherish you and be cherished right back!" Yeah, it might cut down your response rate. But the people who do reach out you will be messaging you because they want what you got, not in spite of it.
Messaging -- You message first. Scroll through 50 profiles a week, I'm serious. Treat it like a job. Choose your top 5. Pluck any interesting tidbit out of a guy's profile and say something charming about it. Be bold even if it hurts! "I love Really Good Book too, let's get coffee and talk about Favorite Protagonist!" The trick is to be specific. If he responds favorably, suggest a meeting as soon as possible. "There's a great cafe on 40th called Sub Rosa. What's your week like? I'm free Sunday at 2." He says yes, then you meet. You should be able to arrange a date in 5 to 7 text volleys. If it takes longer than that you are probably wasting your time or not being assertive enough.
Dates -- Two main categories here. 1) The Coffee Date. Ideal for feeling out initial click, seeing if the convo flows, do you have stuff in common? Also you can leave in a hurry if the date goes sour which is rad. Low commitment. If it goes well you can extend it into a Walk In The Park Date. However, doesn't showcase people who aren't talkative, are extremely shy, or do better in hands-on scenarios. 2) The Adventure Date. This could be all kinds of things: taking a class, going to a museum, hiking, casual group activity with friends. Good because you get a better sense of how someone responds to a challenge and how they handle social situations. Hard to keep up a highly curated first impression when you're sweaty :) Bad because it takes more time and you're stuck with them, also it can preclude intimate conversation.
Going on the date -- Choose places where you have a good mix of people-watching and privacy. You want to be able to hear each other talk, but also have stuff to talk about. Let's say you choose a cute café. Does it have good ambiance? Do they serve a variety of beverages and goods in case someone doesn't drink caffeine or has an allergy? Is there a park nearby if you want to adjourn? Perhaps a main street with restaurants, exhibitions, a street fair, a movie theater? Plan plan plan! You never have to do all the things but you should always know what's available. "Spontaneity" is a mix of foresight and opportunity. Choose stuff you actually want to do. Even if there's no special click, you ought to have a great afternoon!
None of this is foolproof, there are always exceptions. Dating is a skill and you too can master it, these are commonalities I've observed over a hundred or so dates. Now get out there, you got this!
As for sexual experience, one ring to rule them all: masturbate. If you are near a big city with a friendly feminist sex shop, email the proprietors to set up a private appointment so you can get a tour of toys and useful guides. Go home with something new! Also OMGyes is incredible and well worth the fee. You can view it in the privacy of your own home. If nothing else it will be a curious sexalogical perspective for you.
posted by aw jeez at 4:24 AM on July 16, 2019 [20 favorites]
If I were you I would have a typical dating profile and hint to your preferences like "I am looking to get to know someone quite well before getting serious", phrases like that, and then re-state your boundaries as applicable through sending messages and eventual "dates". The right person will respect your needs and be curious about getting to know you regardless.
FWIW when I became sexually active it was a learning curve in terms of connecting any sense of desire to the physical actions. So I didn't actively desire to do certain things or it didn't come naturally to me, but through exposure to making out, heavy petting, etc. I mapped the feelings onto the physical acts and learned to enjoy certain things, having a partner who I felt safe with and who respected my boundaries was critical. It took me a bit to enjoy french kissing for example, at first it's all just a lot of sensory info. So much sexual behavior is a result of conditioning/associations and not innate, that doesn't sound weird at all to me.
posted by lafemma at 6:04 AM on July 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
FWIW when I became sexually active it was a learning curve in terms of connecting any sense of desire to the physical actions. So I didn't actively desire to do certain things or it didn't come naturally to me, but through exposure to making out, heavy petting, etc. I mapped the feelings onto the physical acts and learned to enjoy certain things, having a partner who I felt safe with and who respected my boundaries was critical. It took me a bit to enjoy french kissing for example, at first it's all just a lot of sensory info. So much sexual behavior is a result of conditioning/associations and not innate, that doesn't sound weird at all to me.
posted by lafemma at 6:04 AM on July 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
Hi, so I'm a straight white man in his 30s. Let's talk about the virgin thing because I don't think it makes you weird in the way that you do because... well, let me explain. When I was 33, I went on a few dates with a 31 year old woman (second-generation immigrant, her parents were from Afghanistan, she was born here) and in talking on date 3, I learned that sex before marriage was off the table and that she had... never kissed anyone. Like ever. Now when I consider this beautiful in spirit, brain, body person, I never would've guessed that they were A.) a virgin B.) hadn't kissed anyone because again, they were so funny, hot, smart, kind etc. etc.
My point being that being a virgin has nothing to do with what anyone thinks about you. It's not a giant flashing scarlet V on your forehead. (I did end up dating her after a few months of being friends, I was her first kiss... I was her first everything else as she changed her mind on sex.)
I know that dating is all about first impressions and chemistry, but I am just not about that life. It's not hard for me to charm people at first meeting, but I know that's not authentic.
I would encourage you to try a few dates with different people and see how it goes. While there is a superficial charm that people can deploy, there is also the natural "Hello, here I am." charm that you normally exude at your best. So just be that level and see if you do find some chemistry. Chemistry can be felt early on, I'm dating someone now who I felt that instantly with because our energies were similar and our values, we got into that on date one because of our easy conversation, were well aligned. Last night she said if she'd written down what she wanted in a partner, I would NOT have been it which mostly shows how little we actually know what we want. A person isn't a list of stats like Vegan or Nerd or Weird, they're a complex mix of emotions and intentions and past hurts.
It's hard to get down exactly what I mean so let me put it in one sentence: I think you are much more than you think you are right now, and that in 5 years, I'd be really fascinated to talk to you again to see what you learned about yourself. It won't be easy, but if you do pursue dating (and I think you do), I have a feeling it will be rewarding and you'll grow.
I am clever, empathetic, warm and open, I have no problem attracting new friends (although, as I said, it takes me years to categorise them as friends) but absolutely no luck romantically.
Final, final thought: did something happen to where you don't assign people as friends quickly? I would explore that in therapy. You're putting people in buckets in a very regimented way from how this sounds which is at odds with the words you use at the start of the sentence. I also consider myself those 4 adjectives very much, but a lot of rejection over my life had made it very hard for ME to open up to anyone. I would pre-emptively slam doors before I could get hurt. Vulnerability was the missing piece of those and has made all of my relationships much better. I don't consider many people my great friends, but it often didn't take me all that long to know.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 6:49 AM on July 16, 2019 [12 favorites]
My point being that being a virgin has nothing to do with what anyone thinks about you. It's not a giant flashing scarlet V on your forehead. (I did end up dating her after a few months of being friends, I was her first kiss... I was her first everything else as she changed her mind on sex.)
I know that dating is all about first impressions and chemistry, but I am just not about that life. It's not hard for me to charm people at first meeting, but I know that's not authentic.
I would encourage you to try a few dates with different people and see how it goes. While there is a superficial charm that people can deploy, there is also the natural "Hello, here I am." charm that you normally exude at your best. So just be that level and see if you do find some chemistry. Chemistry can be felt early on, I'm dating someone now who I felt that instantly with because our energies were similar and our values, we got into that on date one because of our easy conversation, were well aligned. Last night she said if she'd written down what she wanted in a partner, I would NOT have been it which mostly shows how little we actually know what we want. A person isn't a list of stats like Vegan or Nerd or Weird, they're a complex mix of emotions and intentions and past hurts.
It's hard to get down exactly what I mean so let me put it in one sentence: I think you are much more than you think you are right now, and that in 5 years, I'd be really fascinated to talk to you again to see what you learned about yourself. It won't be easy, but if you do pursue dating (and I think you do), I have a feeling it will be rewarding and you'll grow.
I am clever, empathetic, warm and open, I have no problem attracting new friends (although, as I said, it takes me years to categorise them as friends) but absolutely no luck romantically.
Final, final thought: did something happen to where you don't assign people as friends quickly? I would explore that in therapy. You're putting people in buckets in a very regimented way from how this sounds which is at odds with the words you use at the start of the sentence. I also consider myself those 4 adjectives very much, but a lot of rejection over my life had made it very hard for ME to open up to anyone. I would pre-emptively slam doors before I could get hurt. Vulnerability was the missing piece of those and has made all of my relationships much better. I don't consider many people my great friends, but it often didn't take me all that long to know.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 6:49 AM on July 16, 2019 [12 favorites]
Just chiming in to say I don’t think you are that weird!
First, we assign so much power and meaning to virginity still. I promise you there are people out there dating who aren’t virgins but have only marginally more experience than you do, as well as people who have a ton more experience than you do but aren’t particularly skilled at sex and never progressed from the “fumbling around” stage to the “smooth Fabio” stage. (If you date men, you’ll meet a lot of guys who clearly learned their moves from online porn and have very weird/unrealistic ideas about sex.)
I agree with the poster above that #4 might change once you get some experience, but even if it doesn’t, it’s not that weird. I’ve had a bunch of women friends who either feel this way or for whom sex is really all about emotional intimacy and doesn’t have any particular draw to them without it. It’s common not to be into random hookups and the like for this reason.
And lastly, there are a LOT of weird people out there, especially when we’re talking about sexual preferences, but even if not. Think of all the really weird, picky, demanding people you know who have spouses. Someone married those people! Someone married my friend who only likes one sexual position and my friend who wants to have sex every day and my friend who...etc.
posted by sallybrown at 7:48 AM on July 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
First, we assign so much power and meaning to virginity still. I promise you there are people out there dating who aren’t virgins but have only marginally more experience than you do, as well as people who have a ton more experience than you do but aren’t particularly skilled at sex and never progressed from the “fumbling around” stage to the “smooth Fabio” stage. (If you date men, you’ll meet a lot of guys who clearly learned their moves from online porn and have very weird/unrealistic ideas about sex.)
I agree with the poster above that #4 might change once you get some experience, but even if it doesn’t, it’s not that weird. I’ve had a bunch of women friends who either feel this way or for whom sex is really all about emotional intimacy and doesn’t have any particular draw to them without it. It’s common not to be into random hookups and the like for this reason.
And lastly, there are a LOT of weird people out there, especially when we’re talking about sexual preferences, but even if not. Think of all the really weird, picky, demanding people you know who have spouses. Someone married those people! Someone married my friend who only likes one sexual position and my friend who wants to have sex every day and my friend who...etc.
posted by sallybrown at 7:48 AM on July 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
You sound great, just go on some dates. You have a pretty clear idea what you're looking for, which is a huge gift, since online dating is about filtering out the 99%+ of people who aren't for you. I second the idea of using OK Cupid - while it has gotten more swipe-y, it does still at least allow you to write a significant profile.
If there's an ace meetup you can attend (or a forum online), that could be useful for 1) seeing that you're not a total weirdo 2) figuring out how other ace-spectrum folks handle dating 3) getting a broader perspective on ways people relate to sexuality and intimacy so you have models as you figure out what you like/want.
(Also, paying attention to whether your partner is having a good time and trying to do things you both like is the biggest factor in being good at sex. You'll be fine.)
posted by momus_window at 12:55 PM on July 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
If there's an ace meetup you can attend (or a forum online), that could be useful for 1) seeing that you're not a total weirdo 2) figuring out how other ace-spectrum folks handle dating 3) getting a broader perspective on ways people relate to sexuality and intimacy so you have models as you figure out what you like/want.
(Also, paying attention to whether your partner is having a good time and trying to do things you both like is the biggest factor in being good at sex. You'll be fine.)
posted by momus_window at 12:55 PM on July 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
Echoing some of the above with different words:
The traits that you have listed as negative will be seen as very positive to the right people.
Maybe the traits aren't weird; maybe they are super powers.
How could you rephrase what you are outlining in a way that makes those traits exciting and wonderful?
"I am a person of depth, and that's how my relationships with people are. It took some time to form the Grand Canyon, and now it is majestic and will stand for ages."
"If we have sex it will be because I trust you on a deep level. And because you've done something amazing to light the fires inside me. And you will be the first one to have done it."
posted by jander03 at 9:01 AM on July 17, 2019
The traits that you have listed as negative will be seen as very positive to the right people.
Maybe the traits aren't weird; maybe they are super powers.
How could you rephrase what you are outlining in a way that makes those traits exciting and wonderful?
"I am a person of depth, and that's how my relationships with people are. It took some time to form the Grand Canyon, and now it is majestic and will stand for ages."
"If we have sex it will be because I trust you on a deep level. And because you've done something amazing to light the fires inside me. And you will be the first one to have done it."
posted by jander03 at 9:01 AM on July 17, 2019
when I am attracted to someone I want to be emotionally intimate with them, hold them and cuddle them and have their full attention.
Me too!
I am not actively interested in having sex with them,
This is totally understandable - it may be because you just don’t know them yet. So let’s say you meet someone you like, you’re interested in each other, you start hanging out more and more, you feel the spark, the chemistry, get to know them well and develop that emotional intimacy… You hold hands, you cuddle on the couch, you start kissing, you start running your hands all over each other’s bodies and underneath each other’s clothes… and then maybe you’ll feel, I want to get naked with them at some point. This building of physical intimacy can happen over several meetings; not saying it will happen at the first opportunity (or maybe it will!). The point is, there’s something beautiful about two people exploring each others’ bodies, with all our flaws and scars and flab and hair, and you can be sweet and slow and sensual about it and let the sexual arousal build. It can also be hilariously awkward :)
I don't know what it means to want to have sex with a person.
Right, because you don’t know who this person is. Or maybe you do know who you’re interested in, but you don’t know who they are as a person; you don’t have any kind of relationship with them yet.
Yet how did you realize that you want to be intimate with a person? Just because you don’t know now what it means to want to have sex with someone, doesn’t mean you won’t. Maybe you need that someone in front of you and to have that trust first. And even if you do have those things, that’s still not an automatic guarantee that you’ll be sexually attracted to them. It could be that you’re just not attracted to them, or maybe you’re asexual, who knows. You won’t know until you start meeting people and discovering what qualities you like in people.
Flirting - see this video, starting at 2.42. https://youtu.be/0aL3kCZN3X0 (Dr Nerdlove is geared primarily towards men but I feel like I learn stuff from him still)
aw jeez has such great advice and I want to emphasize what they said about being clear about what’s different and unique about youin an online dating profile (if that's the route you go). As the wise CaptainAwkward.com once said, you want to find someone who matches your brand of weird.
You might also want to checkout r/virginityexchange on Reddit. Yes, there's a sub for everything, even for virgins looking to have sex. 99% of posts are M4F of course, and there are a lot of duds and blech BUT there are also quite a few good, thoughtful posts who detail experiences similar to yours. So at least you'll know you're not alone. Most people have some kind of anxiety, or religious upbringing, and quite a few want to experience intimacy, get to know someone, not just fuck. It's quite well moderated (by a Canadian woman of colour! Not me :D ) so I encourage you to check it out. Maybe even respond to a post or make your own, with the same info that you've put here, but maybe framed a little differently, similar to what jander03 said.
Re point 2, I think a lot of people are like that too. I've seen lots of stories where a husband and wife's first meeting is like meh, didn't think much of him/her and then somehow they end up together. Building close connections takes time for sure and with repeated exposure to a person, hanging out with them, getting to know them, it makes sense that it would take a while before you realize that the two of you are close friends. This is why I think it's good for you to meet as many people as possible and just have experiences meeting people and getting to know them.
Tl;dr: what you want and how you are is not that weird. Embrace your weird and don't apologize for who you are.
posted by foxjacket at 10:59 AM on July 19, 2019
Me too!
I am not actively interested in having sex with them,
This is totally understandable - it may be because you just don’t know them yet. So let’s say you meet someone you like, you’re interested in each other, you start hanging out more and more, you feel the spark, the chemistry, get to know them well and develop that emotional intimacy… You hold hands, you cuddle on the couch, you start kissing, you start running your hands all over each other’s bodies and underneath each other’s clothes… and then maybe you’ll feel, I want to get naked with them at some point. This building of physical intimacy can happen over several meetings; not saying it will happen at the first opportunity (or maybe it will!). The point is, there’s something beautiful about two people exploring each others’ bodies, with all our flaws and scars and flab and hair, and you can be sweet and slow and sensual about it and let the sexual arousal build. It can also be hilariously awkward :)
I don't know what it means to want to have sex with a person.
Right, because you don’t know who this person is. Or maybe you do know who you’re interested in, but you don’t know who they are as a person; you don’t have any kind of relationship with them yet.
Yet how did you realize that you want to be intimate with a person? Just because you don’t know now what it means to want to have sex with someone, doesn’t mean you won’t. Maybe you need that someone in front of you and to have that trust first. And even if you do have those things, that’s still not an automatic guarantee that you’ll be sexually attracted to them. It could be that you’re just not attracted to them, or maybe you’re asexual, who knows. You won’t know until you start meeting people and discovering what qualities you like in people.
Flirting - see this video, starting at 2.42. https://youtu.be/0aL3kCZN3X0 (Dr Nerdlove is geared primarily towards men but I feel like I learn stuff from him still)
aw jeez has such great advice and I want to emphasize what they said about being clear about what’s different and unique about youin an online dating profile (if that's the route you go). As the wise CaptainAwkward.com once said, you want to find someone who matches your brand of weird.
You might also want to checkout r/virginityexchange on Reddit. Yes, there's a sub for everything, even for virgins looking to have sex. 99% of posts are M4F of course, and there are a lot of duds and blech BUT there are also quite a few good, thoughtful posts who detail experiences similar to yours. So at least you'll know you're not alone. Most people have some kind of anxiety, or religious upbringing, and quite a few want to experience intimacy, get to know someone, not just fuck. It's quite well moderated (by a Canadian woman of colour! Not me :D ) so I encourage you to check it out. Maybe even respond to a post or make your own, with the same info that you've put here, but maybe framed a little differently, similar to what jander03 said.
Re point 2, I think a lot of people are like that too. I've seen lots of stories where a husband and wife's first meeting is like meh, didn't think much of him/her and then somehow they end up together. Building close connections takes time for sure and with repeated exposure to a person, hanging out with them, getting to know them, it makes sense that it would take a while before you realize that the two of you are close friends. This is why I think it's good for you to meet as many people as possible and just have experiences meeting people and getting to know them.
Tl;dr: what you want and how you are is not that weird. Embrace your weird and don't apologize for who you are.
posted by foxjacket at 10:59 AM on July 19, 2019
When I originally saw the title, I wanted to let you know that every pot has a lid. : ) There is someone for everyone.
And then when I read your message I also thought, maybe you should get a vibrator. It has helped a lot of women over the ages.
Also, it's maybe worth exploring what is the source of some of the revulsion feelings you are having and some of the challenges with forming relationships.
posted by mermily at 6:35 PM on July 23, 2019
And then when I read your message I also thought, maybe you should get a vibrator. It has helped a lot of women over the ages.
Also, it's maybe worth exploring what is the source of some of the revulsion feelings you are having and some of the challenges with forming relationships.
posted by mermily at 6:35 PM on July 23, 2019
I'm not sure whether you want to date to look for a romantic partner or if you want to date because in our culture, it's hard to find intimacy with people other than romantic partners. If the latter, you might consider deepening some of your current friendships, expanding your social circle in general so you have a larger pool of people to feel close to over time, and exploring queer and poly communities which often have broader beliefs about where intimacy can be found.
posted by metasarah at 5:53 AM on July 29, 2019
posted by metasarah at 5:53 AM on July 29, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
Set up a profile there (or somewhere that slants kooky like it, I haven't online dated for a couple of years so am out of touch.. Hinge may do this now?)
Use nice photos and describe yourself a bit. Nothing too overshare-y, but a bit about what you're looking for "cuddles, low-key dates and cosy intimacy" or something.
Step 3 is message men that seem lovely. Research (less bleak than the POC stats) has shown that women who message first do well. Also, I found that kind, lovely potential matches are a bit over the shallowness of online dating and/or are busy living their lives IRL and so many don't message much and are really into a lovely seeming woman messaging them.
Putting "asexual" if you're not sure you are will unnecessarily limit your pool. Don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do, and there's nothing wrong with dating then realising it's not for you/you don't want sex. This is the nature of online dating- forming untested connections and exploring; anyone who reacts with annoyance if you decide being with them is not for you is being unreasonable.
Best of luck with it!
posted by hotcoroner at 2:03 AM on July 16, 2019 [6 favorites]