Getting over someone, Limerence edition
October 26, 2021 10:36 AM Subscribe
I met Fabian online through a short work project about a year ago (I work independently). We never actually met in person thanks to covid and barely interacted during the project but ended up texting each other about work. Our conversations quickly became what I can now only describe as a stupidly exhilarating, intellectually stimulating situationship. We have a lot of interests in common and would text each other everyday, multiple times a day and this continued for, well, until recently. He's definitely started to pull away, and I can understand why: we never ended up meeting up and this form of emotional investment cannot continue forever. My long term partner who I live with and who has been aware of everything (I've discussed my messages with Fabian with my partner multiple times) and now I feel bereft. It actually feels like a breakup. At present, I am giving Fabian the space he wants, I don't text him out of turn, I'm increasing the gaps between our texting. I don't want to be annoying, but I miss him incredibly. What can I do to move on? I am still struggling a lot. More below
None of my conversations with Fabian were remotely sexual - we could spend hours talking about out interests. My partner and I have known each other for 10 years (both in our early 30s, Fabian is in his mid 20s) and have been together for 7. I do love my partner very much, but we've had our ups and down and relationship has been pretty sexless for a while - we both became very complacent along the way. Weirdly enough, after Fabian entered my life and I became infatuated with him, I realised my partner and I needed to improve our relationship - we talk a lot more about things now but we still have a lot of work to do.
I guess I understand what Fabian represented: a new start. I loved all the attention he gave me. I loved being liked for my thoughts, my interests. And I enjoyed that intellectual connection immensely. At present, I am exercising, I am taking courses at my local college, I meet friends all the time, I work most days of the week. How do I move on? I have told my partner how much this has affected me, and he has been supportive but I am starting to feel like an idiot pining over someone I never even met. In my head (at my lowest), I see him as the one that could have been and the one that is slowly slipping away. I know this is crazy, and I want to focus instead on everything I have and my partner.
PS: This may not be relevant but Fabian is not at all my type physically. My partner and I are very fitness-oriented and Fabian is not and ordinarily - if we had met in person - I probably would not have fallen for him. So this is in many ways entirely a fantasy I have gone and constructed to escape reality (lockdown boredom, relationship issues).
None of my conversations with Fabian were remotely sexual - we could spend hours talking about out interests. My partner and I have known each other for 10 years (both in our early 30s, Fabian is in his mid 20s) and have been together for 7. I do love my partner very much, but we've had our ups and down and relationship has been pretty sexless for a while - we both became very complacent along the way. Weirdly enough, after Fabian entered my life and I became infatuated with him, I realised my partner and I needed to improve our relationship - we talk a lot more about things now but we still have a lot of work to do.
I guess I understand what Fabian represented: a new start. I loved all the attention he gave me. I loved being liked for my thoughts, my interests. And I enjoyed that intellectual connection immensely. At present, I am exercising, I am taking courses at my local college, I meet friends all the time, I work most days of the week. How do I move on? I have told my partner how much this has affected me, and he has been supportive but I am starting to feel like an idiot pining over someone I never even met. In my head (at my lowest), I see him as the one that could have been and the one that is slowly slipping away. I know this is crazy, and I want to focus instead on everything I have and my partner.
PS: This may not be relevant but Fabian is not at all my type physically. My partner and I are very fitness-oriented and Fabian is not and ordinarily - if we had met in person - I probably would not have fallen for him. So this is in many ways entirely a fantasy I have gone and constructed to escape reality (lockdown boredom, relationship issues).
Oh dear. This is really tough. You sound very insightful with a healthy amount of self-reflection.
My short answer is: the only way through this is through this. Which is to say, time will help a lot. Also, it sounds like you're continuing to be available to Fabian for a friendship/conversation/intimacy. If you really and truly want to move on, then I think you will find that, as hard as it is, it will be easier to do that if you break off contact. That's not to say you couldn't be friends down the road, but my experience is that on-going contact will keep pushing that little reward-button in your brain that's keeping you addicted. Because this kind of relationship sounds addictive. I get it because I've also been in that extended limerence/emotional affair thing conducted alongside a lackluster relationship with my long-term partner. My situation was similar to yours: this flirtation was very much a distraction from problems in my relationship, and a lack of passion or energy in my life for much of anything. So, keep busy, make plans with friends, etc.
There are break-up apps nowadays. I used one a few years ago, and it was great. I don't recall the name but you could search around for some options. It was quite structured, with a request for daily responses to specific questions (not shared with others). It was helpful for me to think through it all that way, especially in the first few weeks. You might find that valuable since this isn't a traditional break up where you can chat with all your friends. It would also probably be for the best if you tried not to rely on your partner too much for emotional support around this (though others might disagree).
Here's my bigger picture answer, and I think you know this: the problem is that you're in a long-term lackluster relationship. I'm guessing you don't have kids or you would have mentioned this, but even if you did, it's not great or healthy or stay in a long-term unhappy relationship even with kids (even if sometimes we do that for good reasons). I don't want to say you're too young to be in a long-term unhappy relationship, because I don't think you get to a point where you're too old to end an unhappy relationship. But I do wonder why you chose (because there was a series of choices you made) to pursue this emotional intimacy with someone unavailable--not your type and perhaps not even local--rather than move on from your relationship where it sounds like you and your partner are both not doing great. I want you to want more for yourself than this relationship, even if you do care for each other a great deal. I want you to want more for your current partner, too.
So this is what I think you could do to move forward: give yourself space to grieve (and please stop the self-chiding about this being a fantasy relationship because even if some of this is fantasy, your emotions are very real!) through whatever break up strategies you need -- an app, a long letter written but never sent to Fabian, a closure ceremony of sort sort; take some time to reflect on what this relationship was giving you that you were missing; continue to value what you did get from this relationship because it sounds like there are some positive outcomes beyond the pain; and, eventually, reflect on what you want your future to look like, and how you can create that with intention instead of continuing along in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:11 PM on October 26, 2021 [6 favorites]
My short answer is: the only way through this is through this. Which is to say, time will help a lot. Also, it sounds like you're continuing to be available to Fabian for a friendship/conversation/intimacy. If you really and truly want to move on, then I think you will find that, as hard as it is, it will be easier to do that if you break off contact. That's not to say you couldn't be friends down the road, but my experience is that on-going contact will keep pushing that little reward-button in your brain that's keeping you addicted. Because this kind of relationship sounds addictive. I get it because I've also been in that extended limerence/emotional affair thing conducted alongside a lackluster relationship with my long-term partner. My situation was similar to yours: this flirtation was very much a distraction from problems in my relationship, and a lack of passion or energy in my life for much of anything. So, keep busy, make plans with friends, etc.
There are break-up apps nowadays. I used one a few years ago, and it was great. I don't recall the name but you could search around for some options. It was quite structured, with a request for daily responses to specific questions (not shared with others). It was helpful for me to think through it all that way, especially in the first few weeks. You might find that valuable since this isn't a traditional break up where you can chat with all your friends. It would also probably be for the best if you tried not to rely on your partner too much for emotional support around this (though others might disagree).
Here's my bigger picture answer, and I think you know this: the problem is that you're in a long-term lackluster relationship. I'm guessing you don't have kids or you would have mentioned this, but even if you did, it's not great or healthy or stay in a long-term unhappy relationship even with kids (even if sometimes we do that for good reasons). I don't want to say you're too young to be in a long-term unhappy relationship, because I don't think you get to a point where you're too old to end an unhappy relationship. But I do wonder why you chose (because there was a series of choices you made) to pursue this emotional intimacy with someone unavailable--not your type and perhaps not even local--rather than move on from your relationship where it sounds like you and your partner are both not doing great. I want you to want more for yourself than this relationship, even if you do care for each other a great deal. I want you to want more for your current partner, too.
So this is what I think you could do to move forward: give yourself space to grieve (and please stop the self-chiding about this being a fantasy relationship because even if some of this is fantasy, your emotions are very real!) through whatever break up strategies you need -- an app, a long letter written but never sent to Fabian, a closure ceremony of sort sort; take some time to reflect on what this relationship was giving you that you were missing; continue to value what you did get from this relationship because it sounds like there are some positive outcomes beyond the pain; and, eventually, reflect on what you want your future to look like, and how you can create that with intention instead of continuing along in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:11 PM on October 26, 2021 [6 favorites]
I had a similar thing, falling very hard for someone I'd never met. It was really painful when I "lost" that person because it was a complicated loss, and there was always the temptation to just get back in touch.
My best advice is to go no contact, delete any whatsapp or messenger conversations between the two of you and ideally block his contact details, and for wait for time to do its thing. I don't think still being in touch is going to be good for you- let this friendship become a thing of the past.
It's great your partner has been so supportive and open about your love for Fabian. This is a time when the reality of grief and loss really hits home! It sounds like you're doing everything right, you just have to wait. Which sucks, but.. it does happen eventually. With my situation it's taken a really long time but I now can think gratefully of the friendship we had and what it brought to my life without getting really upset. But for a very long time thinking of him was very upsetting. It's a real loss- let yourself grieve. Hugs.
posted by Balthamos at 1:10 PM on October 26, 2021 [2 favorites]
My best advice is to go no contact, delete any whatsapp or messenger conversations between the two of you and ideally block his contact details, and for wait for time to do its thing. I don't think still being in touch is going to be good for you- let this friendship become a thing of the past.
It's great your partner has been so supportive and open about your love for Fabian. This is a time when the reality of grief and loss really hits home! It sounds like you're doing everything right, you just have to wait. Which sucks, but.. it does happen eventually. With my situation it's taken a really long time but I now can think gratefully of the friendship we had and what it brought to my life without getting really upset. But for a very long time thinking of him was very upsetting. It's a real loss- let yourself grieve. Hugs.
posted by Balthamos at 1:10 PM on October 26, 2021 [2 favorites]
So this is in many ways entirely a fantasy I have gone and constructed to escape reality (lockdown boredom, relationship issues).
I think this is something you need to focus on. You've done well in recognising this and how it's been driven by the gaps in your relationship with your partner, but it may be helpful for you to start framing the relationship you had with Fabian as just this -- you weren't into him at all, but the fantasy of him. You only got to know a facet of who he is in reality. He could be completely different if you met him in real life.
When you would say "I miss Fabian", instead say to yourself, "I miss the person I wanted to be with him", or "I miss the excitement of those texts" rather than focusing on him as a person. Stop telling yourself you were infatuated with him, because you weren't. You were infatuated with the idea of him. Removing him as an object in your thinking might help you reframe this as something you need to address with yourself/your partner instead of a missed relationship opportunity.
Also: yes, no contact. Cold turkey for at least a couple of months. It's the only thing that really works. But make sure you tell him what you're doing before you do it, so he doesn't end up thinking you've died or something.
posted by fight or flight at 2:35 PM on October 26, 2021 [6 favorites]
I think this is something you need to focus on. You've done well in recognising this and how it's been driven by the gaps in your relationship with your partner, but it may be helpful for you to start framing the relationship you had with Fabian as just this -- you weren't into him at all, but the fantasy of him. You only got to know a facet of who he is in reality. He could be completely different if you met him in real life.
When you would say "I miss Fabian", instead say to yourself, "I miss the person I wanted to be with him", or "I miss the excitement of those texts" rather than focusing on him as a person. Stop telling yourself you were infatuated with him, because you weren't. You were infatuated with the idea of him. Removing him as an object in your thinking might help you reframe this as something you need to address with yourself/your partner instead of a missed relationship opportunity.
Also: yes, no contact. Cold turkey for at least a couple of months. It's the only thing that really works. But make sure you tell him what you're doing before you do it, so he doesn't end up thinking you've died or something.
posted by fight or flight at 2:35 PM on October 26, 2021 [6 favorites]
I love fight or flight's answer. I think it can also be helpful to focus on what's good about your current partner. They may not inspire fantasies right now, but maybe you appreciate how you don't have to provide hours worth of context in order for them to understand why you're so hurt because of something your parent said or you know you would miss how they hug if they were out of your life.
posted by shesbookish at 3:21 PM on October 26, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by shesbookish at 3:21 PM on October 26, 2021 [1 favorite]
My answer was all doom and gloom about your current relationship. I will also add that I know that there are folks who have recovered from emotional affairs like this and built a stronger and renewed relationship with their partner. It's a possibility, if you want to work towards that.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:42 PM on October 26, 2021
posted by bluedaisy at 3:42 PM on October 26, 2021
Been hitched for 35 years. I have gone through 4 or 5 such obsessions (at least) all with my mate's knowledge. After a while, you just enjoy them while they last. They started for me at about the same age as yours, maybe I was a titch younger.
I don't feel so bad because he obsesses about various things, too. It's just part of being human.
Giving the person space and wishing them well every time you think of them is the best thing you can do.
Also, if it helps, keep a journal as a proxy for the texting. Write to yourself the way you'd write to that person - witty, humorous things just for you. It can help with the transition time.
For me, age has nothing to do with these infatuations. Sometimes the person is younger and sometimes much older. (Edited to say - I'm lowballing at 5.)
posted by rw at 5:36 PM on October 26, 2021 [3 favorites]
I don't feel so bad because he obsesses about various things, too. It's just part of being human.
Giving the person space and wishing them well every time you think of them is the best thing you can do.
Also, if it helps, keep a journal as a proxy for the texting. Write to yourself the way you'd write to that person - witty, humorous things just for you. It can help with the transition time.
For me, age has nothing to do with these infatuations. Sometimes the person is younger and sometimes much older. (Edited to say - I'm lowballing at 5.)
posted by rw at 5:36 PM on October 26, 2021 [3 favorites]
Focusing on everything you have is a great goal. Also, for a lot of people that includes a lot of loss over the last two years of pandemic time and very few NEW things. So it makes sense that you would get hung up on a new good thing! It was an excellent source of interest in a time of great monotony. Focusing on what you have might include a measure of uncomfortable grief you are trying to avoid, both over ending things with Fabian and just the whole everything from 2020 and 2021. Losing Fabian is - in many ways - a safer loss than a lot of what’s happened. He was never “real” (as in, being a part of your life) so it’s safe to project and feel a lot of your sad feelings through the lens of this loss. It might be helpful to force yourself to face some other losses that you are avoiding processing.
As for your current relationship, I don’t think lackluster is the death knoll people are acting like it is. Plenty of healthy long term relationships go through a lackluster phase here or there. If the relationship is otherwise good and you actually want to be in it, both of you working together and can turn it around. And if it’s lackluster because one or both of you is depressed or gripped by ennui, addressing that is likely to help both this particular situation and your relationship overall.
posted by Bottlecap at 7:32 AM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
As for your current relationship, I don’t think lackluster is the death knoll people are acting like it is. Plenty of healthy long term relationships go through a lackluster phase here or there. If the relationship is otherwise good and you actually want to be in it, both of you working together and can turn it around. And if it’s lackluster because one or both of you is depressed or gripped by ennui, addressing that is likely to help both this particular situation and your relationship overall.
posted by Bottlecap at 7:32 AM on October 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
A lot of this post is you laying out all the ways your feelings for this person were somehow invalid or inaccurate. Real talk: you had/have feelings. First step toward letting them go is acknowledging the parts of them that were real and true for you, regardless of how the circumstances you were in may have influenced them to begin with. You developed a connection that brought enjoyment and energy to your life and now you are losing it. It's totally ok and more importantly NORMAL to be struggling with adjusting to the loss.
That said...they key to getting over Fabian is focusing on getting over Fabian specifically and unpairing him from whatever fantasy elements are keeping you tied into him regardless of the factors that led to your attachment because this is, at this point, a misattached fantasy problem for this reason:
You are thinking this:
In my head (at my lowest), I see him as the one that could have been and the one that is slowly slipping away.
But he is doing this:
He's definitely started to pull away...
This person is not really reciprocating your interest or affection at this point, and...well...he can't be your person if he doesn't love you back. That's a minimum requirement for him to be right for you, and he isn't meeting it. Any time you start spinning on whether or not you are missing the train to your destiny, take a second to tell yourself that isn't your train, because assuming destiny even is a thing, that train would stop for you. It would have to by definition!
Also...isn't it sort of hurtful that he isn't stopping at your station? That he's left you at the train station questioning the train schedule and your tickets after you've packed and blown up all your day to day plans to take this trip? Would your person do that to you? And let's say he did...if he's your person, shouldn't you leave until he makes it right since he is the one not showing up?
Point being, think very specifically about the ways this person is clearly not your match outside of the other elements in your life, because honestly, if you were both as invested as you feel you are right now, you wouldn't be in this situation because Fabian would still be contacting you, and you'd be wrestling with whether or not to blow up your life to meet him and pursue it. In fact, you'd probably both be making this happen one way or another whether or not it was crazy/inconvenient/hurt other people/etc. because that's what most people tend to do if the feelings are big enough and fully matched on both sides. Fact is, they aren't, and that alone should be immediately disqualifying.
All that said, from what you've written, it doesn't sound like you actually want to take real steps to try to be with this person anyway. There's a few big things you seem to find unattractive about him, and if you were his person, it would be pretty unadvisable for him to keep investing in you when you have a list of things already making you question your affection for him. If you aren't excited about him or willing to consider something real, it's not kind to continue to encourage him to stay connected to you either.
Keep working on untangling those incorrect associations and eventually the limerence will diminish. The rest is just emotional muscle memory, a knee jerk thing you're reaching for when you find yourself with an unmet need for intimacy or excitement or plain old entertainment. Start reaching for something else to fill the gap and that association will decay.
posted by amycup at 11:23 AM on October 27, 2021 [4 favorites]
That said...they key to getting over Fabian is focusing on getting over Fabian specifically and unpairing him from whatever fantasy elements are keeping you tied into him regardless of the factors that led to your attachment because this is, at this point, a misattached fantasy problem for this reason:
You are thinking this:
In my head (at my lowest), I see him as the one that could have been and the one that is slowly slipping away.
But he is doing this:
He's definitely started to pull away...
This person is not really reciprocating your interest or affection at this point, and...well...he can't be your person if he doesn't love you back. That's a minimum requirement for him to be right for you, and he isn't meeting it. Any time you start spinning on whether or not you are missing the train to your destiny, take a second to tell yourself that isn't your train, because assuming destiny even is a thing, that train would stop for you. It would have to by definition!
Also...isn't it sort of hurtful that he isn't stopping at your station? That he's left you at the train station questioning the train schedule and your tickets after you've packed and blown up all your day to day plans to take this trip? Would your person do that to you? And let's say he did...if he's your person, shouldn't you leave until he makes it right since he is the one not showing up?
Point being, think very specifically about the ways this person is clearly not your match outside of the other elements in your life, because honestly, if you were both as invested as you feel you are right now, you wouldn't be in this situation because Fabian would still be contacting you, and you'd be wrestling with whether or not to blow up your life to meet him and pursue it. In fact, you'd probably both be making this happen one way or another whether or not it was crazy/inconvenient/hurt other people/etc. because that's what most people tend to do if the feelings are big enough and fully matched on both sides. Fact is, they aren't, and that alone should be immediately disqualifying.
All that said, from what you've written, it doesn't sound like you actually want to take real steps to try to be with this person anyway. There's a few big things you seem to find unattractive about him, and if you were his person, it would be pretty unadvisable for him to keep investing in you when you have a list of things already making you question your affection for him. If you aren't excited about him or willing to consider something real, it's not kind to continue to encourage him to stay connected to you either.
Keep working on untangling those incorrect associations and eventually the limerence will diminish. The rest is just emotional muscle memory, a knee jerk thing you're reaching for when you find yourself with an unmet need for intimacy or excitement or plain old entertainment. Start reaching for something else to fill the gap and that association will decay.
posted by amycup at 11:23 AM on October 27, 2021 [4 favorites]
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posted by Lyn Never at 12:04 PM on October 26, 2021 [10 favorites]