Limerence in new relationship.
April 28, 2012 11:25 PM   Subscribe

In practice, how can I deal with limerence in the early stages of a relationship?

I am experiencing what I think is limerence with my current partner. I read the other threads on MeFi (for example here and there) and was hoping to get more feedback on how people cope with that on a regular basis, and more generally, is it solvable, how, and can it go away naturally.

We've been seeing each other for over 2 months now, my attraction towards her has grown gradually, and I've now reached that stage where most or my thoughts are "tampered with" her presence. Very close to what I imagine is the feel of addiction, I need regular fixes, and boy is it frustrating and gets me obsessive when I know I'm not going to see her for days (she's more busy, emotionnaly more stable, and more socially connected than I am.)

I've filled up my free time, including tons of running (which it turned out, I enjoy immensely) and exercice, and going out and seeing my friends more often, in a nutshell, I've tried to keep it busy like so many out there recommend... but at the end of the day, these fooling-myself attempts fail, that doens't work for me, she's still "up there" and I'm still wondering and making plans in my head. Also, our communication exchanges have a pretty big impact on my mood (which seems to fall in the limerence category) and so I can move from extatic to semi-depressed fairly fast these days.

If I had to sum up my anxiety, I'd say I'm afraid of losing her and just want to move faster in our relationship, as if it would make it stronger. For various reasons, like low self-esteem when it comes to dating and lack of confidence in general, the idea of being crushed and single again and looking for dates just scares me. I also experience the "I'll never find better" feeling.

At this stage, I don't know what to do. Her schedule is going to be heavy for the next months, and she's taking things slower than I am (I should take things at her pace, but I just can't and fell head first into this one.) So is it a compatibility issue, i.e. if I were to be with someone closer geographically and willing to spend tons of time even in the early relationship stages like we are now, could that solve the problem? Somehow I think not: going back to the drugs analogy, a junkie does not really get better by getting fixes every 2 hours, right? If it's not a compatibility issue and just something rooted in me, how can I solve that? Bottomline is, I don't want to break up or drive her away. Also, can biology play a role here? I've rarely been this physically attracted to a woman, I was wondering if all these hormones could exacerbate the limerence experience.
posted by peterf12 to Human Relations (18 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
I don't know if this will work for you but this combined with regular exercise has essentially cured my depression and made me a very dangerous man. I absolutely every time I get a thought in my head that I know is a thought I don't want to dwell on, I consciously shut it down. I say to myself I don't want to think about that. I also deliberately think about happy things . Therapy is part of what brought me there because that was where I discovered my thoughts we disordered in the first place. You can and do decide what you think about.
posted by Rubbstone at 11:51 PM on April 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


the idea of being crushed and single again and looking for dates just scares me. I also experience the "I'll never find better" feeling.

I'm not doubting that you really do care about her, but please take a deep searching look at yourself and see how these underlying feelings would cause you to cling and obsess over ANYONE suitable. If you're constantly terrified of losing her, that means you'll do anything o keep her -- but it doesn't come from a truly generous or compatible place, just one of fear and anxiety. You can't trust your strong feelings toward her (and neither can she) until you learn how to deal with the problem of yourself, and love yourself.

The drug analogy is really creepy and certainly reinforces the idea that you know your attraction is unhealthy. So do what a drug addict would do. Get help. Romantic/love addiction is a real problem, there are tons of support networks out there, and any good therapist will instantly know what you are talking about.

This is work you should be doing on yourself that you can be a genuinely good, considerate, loving partner -- to her, or to someone else.

If I knew someone felt this way about me, I wouldn't be happy or flattered. You are having to mask a lot of your thoughts and feelings in order to present her with what (you think) she wants to see. Keeping that up long-term isn't sustainable.
posted by hermitosis at 11:52 PM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


This is just normal early stage dating. You're fine. Check in with yourself and make sure you are getting as much out of the relationship as you are putting in, but really, this is like having a crush on the person you're dating. That's a reason to feel anxious..... but also elated. The highs and lows of dating someone who hasn't indicated they want a serious relationship, is basically what you're describing.

If I had to sum up my anxiety, I'd say I'm afraid of losing her and just want to move faster in our relationship, as if it would make it stronger. For various reasons, like low self-esteem when it comes to dating and lack of confidence in general, the idea of being crushed and single again and looking for dates just scares me. I also experience the "I'll never find better" feeling.


The above being said, the last sentence is important to work on. Fixing this mindset you mention, that there is nobody else out there for you, may improve your sense of self, whether in a relationship or out of it.

Good luck-- you're gonna be fine!
posted by kettleoffish at 12:19 AM on April 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'd say I'm afraid of losing her and just want to move faster in our relationship, as if it would make it stronger

Yeah. In case you were wondering: it won't.

I have two recommendations beyond the previous answer (I'm assuming this is the same woman):
  1. Savor the rush-of-hormones feelings rather than worrying about losing them. You will lose them with everyone, eventually. Even this goddess of a woman. The loss happens automatically. Pushing through that as fast as you can will make you regret not taking your time (as well as possibly chasing her off). Go slow and enjoy the hell out of the times you're together.
  2. When you're apart, work on your own anxiety issues independently. They have nothing to do with her. Those are a hole that no woman will fill. More likely they have to do with personal security, a sense of place and belonging, family, community. Try to address those things. Realize that there's no one relationship in the world that'll make it all better. You have to cultivate security in life elsewhere.

posted by ead at 12:30 AM on April 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Limerance IS hormones. It's literally a drug high. It is fully normal. It can be dangerous.

You could fill some time reading these two books, which won't tell you how to catch her, but will explain limerance:

Love and Limerance by Dorothy Tannov (who coined the term "Limerance")

Why We Love by Helen Fisher

I can't really tell what you're asking - but I know what you're asking.

You are mentally speeding. Go slowly with her, or you will chase her away. Since you can't be with her enough for your emotional state, use that energy to do all the things you haven't done but need to do. Clean the house. Paint the house, inside and out. Wash and clean out your car. Buff out every little scratch. Do yard work. Pull every weed by hand, edge every sidewalk. Reorganize all the books at your local library including their attic and basement and storage rooms. That sort of thing. Running is nice, but is it really productive? Do productive things, at least, things that fill your mind with something else and result in some positive physical accomplishment, and not running where your mind can run free too. Spend time with your friends but don't talk about her.

On her side, her "heavy schedule the next months" is what she has planned for months or years, before knowing you, and she must follow through with that and you can only fit in her free time. Don't interfere with her plans, or she must cut you off in order to finish her plans.

Limerance fades away naturally. If you establish a stable relationship with her, limerance actually changes into something else the books above can explain. If you don't, that won't be a good time, but you'll survive and be better off for the learning.

The feeling is entirely normal and you are lucky to experience it while recognizing it. Many people never do. Savor it, and her. Good luck.
posted by caclwmr4 at 12:50 AM on April 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


This is what happens when you fall head over heels. As caclwmr4 said, savor it.

Respect her life, and that parts of it are separate to you, and go with it all.
posted by mleigh at 1:41 AM on April 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


It is my understanding that you find these symptoms depressing. I suggest cognitive behavioral therapy, specifically Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns. Read it and do all of the exercises daily for at least 3 months.

What you're looking for is to acknowledge these feelings and their content without accepting them as true. You think you would be crushed if you broke up. This is not so. It would be painful, but you would recover.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:23 AM on April 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, I see your last question is similar. Your new job is difficult emotionally, so it is possible your obsession with the new lady friend is partially about avoiding thinking about it. Focus on coping with the stress from the new job. I can tell you from experience as I had a similar episode involving avoiding grad school stress.

If she's studying for the bar, she will need a lot of time alone. Near the end, I holed up for 10 days straight and studied 10 hours a day 55 timed minutes an hour.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:30 AM on April 29, 2012


It could be a compatibility issue. I don't feel the way you're describing often, but when I have, it's always been the case that there was something wrong and she was avoiding spending time together. When two people want to be together, they usually make time. I don't know any of your details, so I can't say for sure, but you should consider this possibility.

The type of "scaring away" you do by expressing what you want a couple months in to dating is not a bad thing, I think. You ultimately can't play it cool enough to trick someone into not realizing that they don't want to be with you, long-term -- and if they do want to be with you, they'll be psyched that you want to be with them too.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:53 AM on April 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Remember that a relationship is more than just the time you spend together. The hobbies and careers that you each pursue separately are what you bring to the table. Continue to cultivate your interests and become involved in new ones, as I am sure these are some of the things that attracted her to you in the first place.
posted by tr0ubley at 9:00 AM on April 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


who coined the term "Limerance"

Ahhh.... so that's why it isn't in my dictionary.
posted by Rash at 9:05 AM on April 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Latest news is I just got dumped in the softest possible way :( She came to my home and explained that she felt I was emotionally investing a lot in her when she couldn't reciprocate at that time, because of all the stuff going on in her life, that she wasn't in the place to grow a relationship. The "at that time" is killer, I told her it leaves me hoping that "maybe..."
I'm handling it OK now because it is so fresh and unreal, but the next few days are going to be crap.
Hearing "you treated me so well, and we have something BUT I can't do it now" is the worst kind of breakup, it leaves me with a feeling of not knowing what's going on and why it's happening.
Thanks for all your answers. Not sure what my next step is now... waiting? hoping? It will be difficult to resist these feelings. Dating and getting back on my feet ASAP? Won't help solve my issues I fear...
posted by peterf12 at 9:51 AM on April 29, 2012


Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Worst feeling in the world, right? Ugh.

Not sure what my next step is now... waiting? hoping?

My suggestion: don't wait for her. It won't work. I know it sucks, but you need to be a little hard on yourself with this one. When she said "at that time", she was probably trying to let you down easy becuase that makes it easier for her. If she truly wanted to try and keep the relationship going, she wouldn't be breaking up with you. It's a breakup. It's over.

So forget her. Mourn if you need to, cry if you need to, be a screaming sobbing mess if you need to. But do not wait for her. Once you're done being sad, get back up on your feet and get out there. If (BIG if) she ever comes back, she'll do it on her own, and when she does you need to be standing there as the best person you can be. You can do it.
posted by fight or flight at 11:00 AM on April 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


No, don't wait and don't hope. Like fight or flight says, if she wanted to make it work, she would. She broke up with you. Worse, she broke up with you in the way that is easiest for her, not the way that would be easiest for you -- but make no mistake, you just got dumped.

I don't know if you're ready to date, but don't be so hard on yourself about your "issues." You're not wrong to develop feelings and want a relationship after dating for a while! And you weren't wrong to feel insecure -- you were correct that she wasn't invested and was pulling away to avoid a relationship!

This sucks, very much, but as far as I can tell you did nothing wrong and there's nothing wrong with you.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:52 PM on April 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dating and getting back on my feet ASAP? Won't help solve my issues I fear...

No, it will, just do it until you find someone better, and appreciate this last relationship as one of many enjoyable vignettes
posted by MangyCarface at 7:54 AM on April 30, 2012


First of all, I'm very sorry to hear that things didn't work out.

Going forward, you need to learn to perceive time apart as a legitimate way to strengthen the relationship, because that's what it is. People who obsess about their partner tend to be extremely boring. Let me give you an example:

"It's good to see you honey! It's been a couple of days since we've seen each other, what have you been up to?"

(Obsessive person)"Nothing much, just looking forward to the next time we could hang out together. I've missed you so much."

(Non-obsessive person)"Well, I finally finished reading the Mind's I, had dinner with a few friends - including that girl I introduced you to on Tuesday, and went to a meetup group where they debate abstract philosophical questions. It was interesting but I don't know if I'll go again."


Can you see how the non-obsessive person has much more to talk about? Because they have interests and hobbies outside of their partner, the time apart gives them more interesting stories to share and makes them a more engaging conversationalist when they see their partner again.

Once you've internalized this lesson and start to view time apart as a way to make yourself more interesting to your partner, you'll be able to handle time apart much more easily.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 8:36 AM on April 30, 2012 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I want to say I appreciate your support. Some of you seem to know how to tune their brains when it comes to dealing with breakups. That's something I hope to learn along the way. The current pain makes me feel weak and I'd just like to be able to move on. (Segway: From a biology/evolutionary standpoint, going through the post-breakup seems counter-productive..?)
We had a short email exchange yesterday, and it's clearly a breakup. Despite what you guys said, I had doubts, partly fueled because she didn't close the door entirely. And she never actually said or wrote anything as explicit as 'breakup'; she'll make a good lawyer I guess.
Your point (wolfdreams01) make sense... I was a mix of both types, in the sense that I had things to say, but the "damn I missed you, etc etc." was also definitely there.
Gotta get back on my feet... Thanks again.
posted by peterf12 at 5:25 PM on April 30, 2012


Ahhh.... so that's why it isn't in my dictionary.
Touchå.
posted by caclwmr4 at 10:20 PM on April 30, 2012


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