How do I stop from giving my heart away too quickly?
April 15, 2010 6:09 AM Subscribe
How do I stop from giving my heart away too quickly? (relationshipfilter--long, natch.)
posted by freem to Human Relations (10 answers total) 24 users marked this as a favorite
In new relationships, I give my heart away much too quickly. (I'm a straight guy, 32.) I am quick to commit, quick to trust, quick to make grandiose romantic statements, quick to fall in "love". This results in either me scaring away the women I am dating, or getting really hurt when I've invested too much in the wrong person, and the relationship blows up. Since the latter just happened (again), I'm trying to figure out how to approach romantic relationships in a healthier manner.
I'm definitely a sentimental romantic, and attracted to the idea of Hollywood-style love at first sight, and though I do realize in my head the inherent ridiculousness of the idea, my heart stubbornly refuses to let go of the possibility of it happening. So, every time I experience limerence, I think "this could be it!" and let myself go in the rush of emotion. Unfortunately, reality always intrudes in these situations, and I'm left wondering if I could (or should) be different.
Part of me doesn't want to change. Part of me values the fact that I can love easily, that I can retain openness and enthusiasm despite having my heart stomped on so many times.
But then, I have a short relationship like the one that just ended, and I'm left with a sprained heart and feeling like a fuck-up for feeling so bad after such a short time with a new person. I feel like I should be able to end a five-week relationship (especially when the other person ends up being so obviously wrong for me) without feeling like the world is coming to an end (a slight exaggeration, but only slight.)
My life right now is great--I have a great job that I love, I'm a part-time university student and achieving my academic goals, I have a diverse group of friends and I'm social and active. I play in a band, love to cook, work out regularly, and I'm involved in sports. In short, my life looks from the outside the way it should when Mefites say "Stop looking for love, just be awesome and it will come to you." But I can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I know that I want to find a partner, and get married, and have a family. I know that is what I want for my life. I'm having a really hard time easing off, and just letting it be. So when I meet someone who I really click with, and am feeling infatuated, I'm thinking "FINALLY!" It's so hard to just take it slow and not jump right in.
Is this something that only a ton of therapy can unpack? I've seen a counsellor through my EAP a few times, but I only get six sessions, and I just don't see this being resolved that quickly, based on how the first few sessions went. Or is this something that I can even change? Should I just accept that this is how I am?
Some datapoints that may be relevant:
- I've had issues with depression. I spent 6 years essentially a shut-in, where I didn't date at all. I overcame those issues about 4 years ago, and feel great these days.
- I've only had one serious relationship that lasted, for approximately a year. It ended about a year ago. I never fell in love with her, never had the crazy feelings I've had for the girls in the relationships that went kaboom. I'm also starting to wonder if I'm only attracted to unstable women...maybe that's for next week's question? Hehe.