How to rebuild trust and empathy in my relationship after a blowup?
August 25, 2021 4:02 PM Subscribe
When my current partner of 6 months and I tried to cohabitate for the first time for a brief vacation, we had a large blowup largely caused by my actions as well as their lack of previous communication. Now they want to slow things down. I suspect I have difficulty intuiting others' feelings. How do I work on myself to improve our relationship in the long term?
Context: We are both queer and polyamorous and in our late 20s to early 30s. I've had one long relationship far in the past (high school to college), then a series of brief intense flings. They have much more long-term relationship experience as they just got out of a 10-year marriage (which was a quite traumatic experience for them) and also have another partner who they've lived with.
Things were going quite well. They went out of their way to get their very close friends to let us housesit and catsit so we could have a vacation (we were their first housesitters, so were told to be extra careful). This is our first time cohabitating and the house is also particularly hard to take care of, which we didn't realize before starting to live there.
Over the course of the weekend, I behaved carelessly (think "forgetting to put down a coaster on a wooden surface" or "accidentally closing the door to the room with the cat litter"), and I also brushed aside or ignored their concerns about my behavior.
They also interpreted other proposals I made, or actions I took, as pushing their boundaries or ignoring their feelings. This was not my intent (though I can see how it might come across that way); my intent was just to propose an activity that we'd jointly enjoy, and when they expressed a desire to not engage in the activity, I immediately agreed that they were right.
After we decided not to engage in the planned activities, they seemed to shut down and become extremely anxious, then they expressed that they were overwhelmed with the amount of information that they had learned about me from our 1-2 day cohabitation, and they started telling me about a bunch of doubts that they had about me and our relationship. They said they wanted to slow things down and get to know me better.
The tenor of this conversation was very much that they would express a doubt about me (that they had carried around for several weeks or months, not wanting to bother me about it), and then I would try and explain on the spot where it came from in my own life, why I acted a certain way, and express that I could improve on it in the future.
Indeed, I had acted poorly in brushing off their feelings and used logic to justify the primacy of my own feelings. They reacted extremely poorly to this behavior, as this was a common and very hurtful dynamic in their previous recent 10-year marriage (they only told me that night that it reminded them of the past), and saw it as a "red flag." I expressed that I understood that if this logical nature was fundamental to my communication style, and they would always have a knee-jerk trauma reaction to it due to their past, then I would understand if they needed to end the relationship, since it is very hard to overcome past trauma when one is constantly reminded about it in the present.
I think we had gotten to a point in the night where we were happily envisioning the next day we would spend together on the vacation. Then, when I started to talk about what they saw as my cageyness in talking about my past (e.g. when they asked "can I see pictures of your exes?" I said "no, why would you need to see that?"), they started crying, and expressed that my justification had made them feel really hurt and shut out of the conversation in the past. They then packed their stuff and left the vacation house at 4 am, and asked me to move out of the house the next day.
Afterward, we have been texting each other to reaffirm our care for the other's feelings. They are also enforcing other boundaries (e.g. asked to cancel a future cohabitation that we had planned) and expressed that they are worried about my careless behavior and "sneaky pushing of boundaries."
---
This whole episode leaves me feeling tremendously confused and at a loss about how to move forward. Earlier that day, we were talking about introducing each other to the others' parents, then we ended the day with a breakup-level conversation. I learned a lot about myself that night and I don't know how much of is is attributable to another person's troubled past history and heightened emotional state, and what is fundamental about my relationship and attachment styles that I need to do work on to repair.
In general, I have a small, close-knit circle of friends and collaborators who I feel that I treat quite well. People have gone out of their way to tell me that I take unusual care in communicating and in maintaining relationships. I also feel very enthusiastic about trying to make things work with this person again, only this time with more explicit meta-communication and care taken for each others' feelings and past histories.
Re carelessness: I've housesat and catsat before; I'm really not sure what got into me! I think part of the problem here is that in the past, I was unsure about the value of being in this relationship and how much I liked this person; it was a recent decision, for me, that I valued the relationship and wanted to be in it. I think some of my earlier ambivalence subconsciously carried over into a carelessness and overfamiliarity with their friend's property. I do also think that different friendship styles have different norms, e.g. my other close friends and I will sometimes break each other's minor things, apologize, and move on.
Re feelings: I also do think that this experience revealed to me that I have less ability to empathize with others' feelings, and less ability to be vulnerable. People have sometimes expressed to me in the past that they have felt "used" by me, or that my self is "closely held" or very private. Indeed, I have often felt, privately, that I am performing empathy and manipulating people in order to get what I want -- but don't they get something out of it? Put pragmatically, doesn't every relationship involve some degree of using each other?
I also feel, internally, that I am a standoffish person and that others have an intuitive ability to talk with strangers where I'm left feeling terribly confused about how to make small talk, or reveal casual little things about myself that others can make conversation about. It got to the point that after the tearful conversation with my current partner, I was left wondering if I had some kind of antisocial personality disorder, because they expressed that "they still had feelings for me" and at that time, I didn't feel anything toward them. At the end, I knew intellectually that I had hurt them deeply, but I still have a hard time understanding what they're going through, and maybe this question reads like I still, deep down, believe I was right.
My therapist has told me I'm a very cerebral person, and I rarely react from the heart. I feel that I have a hard time intuitively picking up my own feelings and others' feelings, and so I often unintentionally ignore them and hurt them. When I told my partner this, they felt very upset because they thought it meant their feelings weren't important enough to me to be something I paid attention to -- which might be true.
---
So, what can I do to improve this situation? I would really welcome suggestions for relationship books that focus on practicing empathy and communicating from the heart, and ways to work with my therapist to figure out how to improve my relationship styles.
My partner and I also plan to meet to talk about what happened that weekend, so suggestions for how to have this conversation with them would be very welcome (books, etc). I do really care for them. The relationship is very important to me and I want us to find a way to rebuild the trust that we lost.
Context: We are both queer and polyamorous and in our late 20s to early 30s. I've had one long relationship far in the past (high school to college), then a series of brief intense flings. They have much more long-term relationship experience as they just got out of a 10-year marriage (which was a quite traumatic experience for them) and also have another partner who they've lived with.
Things were going quite well. They went out of their way to get their very close friends to let us housesit and catsit so we could have a vacation (we were their first housesitters, so were told to be extra careful). This is our first time cohabitating and the house is also particularly hard to take care of, which we didn't realize before starting to live there.
Over the course of the weekend, I behaved carelessly (think "forgetting to put down a coaster on a wooden surface" or "accidentally closing the door to the room with the cat litter"), and I also brushed aside or ignored their concerns about my behavior.
They also interpreted other proposals I made, or actions I took, as pushing their boundaries or ignoring their feelings. This was not my intent (though I can see how it might come across that way); my intent was just to propose an activity that we'd jointly enjoy, and when they expressed a desire to not engage in the activity, I immediately agreed that they were right.
After we decided not to engage in the planned activities, they seemed to shut down and become extremely anxious, then they expressed that they were overwhelmed with the amount of information that they had learned about me from our 1-2 day cohabitation, and they started telling me about a bunch of doubts that they had about me and our relationship. They said they wanted to slow things down and get to know me better.
The tenor of this conversation was very much that they would express a doubt about me (that they had carried around for several weeks or months, not wanting to bother me about it), and then I would try and explain on the spot where it came from in my own life, why I acted a certain way, and express that I could improve on it in the future.
Indeed, I had acted poorly in brushing off their feelings and used logic to justify the primacy of my own feelings. They reacted extremely poorly to this behavior, as this was a common and very hurtful dynamic in their previous recent 10-year marriage (they only told me that night that it reminded them of the past), and saw it as a "red flag." I expressed that I understood that if this logical nature was fundamental to my communication style, and they would always have a knee-jerk trauma reaction to it due to their past, then I would understand if they needed to end the relationship, since it is very hard to overcome past trauma when one is constantly reminded about it in the present.
I think we had gotten to a point in the night where we were happily envisioning the next day we would spend together on the vacation. Then, when I started to talk about what they saw as my cageyness in talking about my past (e.g. when they asked "can I see pictures of your exes?" I said "no, why would you need to see that?"), they started crying, and expressed that my justification had made them feel really hurt and shut out of the conversation in the past. They then packed their stuff and left the vacation house at 4 am, and asked me to move out of the house the next day.
Afterward, we have been texting each other to reaffirm our care for the other's feelings. They are also enforcing other boundaries (e.g. asked to cancel a future cohabitation that we had planned) and expressed that they are worried about my careless behavior and "sneaky pushing of boundaries."
---
This whole episode leaves me feeling tremendously confused and at a loss about how to move forward. Earlier that day, we were talking about introducing each other to the others' parents, then we ended the day with a breakup-level conversation. I learned a lot about myself that night and I don't know how much of is is attributable to another person's troubled past history and heightened emotional state, and what is fundamental about my relationship and attachment styles that I need to do work on to repair.
In general, I have a small, close-knit circle of friends and collaborators who I feel that I treat quite well. People have gone out of their way to tell me that I take unusual care in communicating and in maintaining relationships. I also feel very enthusiastic about trying to make things work with this person again, only this time with more explicit meta-communication and care taken for each others' feelings and past histories.
Re carelessness: I've housesat and catsat before; I'm really not sure what got into me! I think part of the problem here is that in the past, I was unsure about the value of being in this relationship and how much I liked this person; it was a recent decision, for me, that I valued the relationship and wanted to be in it. I think some of my earlier ambivalence subconsciously carried over into a carelessness and overfamiliarity with their friend's property. I do also think that different friendship styles have different norms, e.g. my other close friends and I will sometimes break each other's minor things, apologize, and move on.
Re feelings: I also do think that this experience revealed to me that I have less ability to empathize with others' feelings, and less ability to be vulnerable. People have sometimes expressed to me in the past that they have felt "used" by me, or that my self is "closely held" or very private. Indeed, I have often felt, privately, that I am performing empathy and manipulating people in order to get what I want -- but don't they get something out of it? Put pragmatically, doesn't every relationship involve some degree of using each other?
I also feel, internally, that I am a standoffish person and that others have an intuitive ability to talk with strangers where I'm left feeling terribly confused about how to make small talk, or reveal casual little things about myself that others can make conversation about. It got to the point that after the tearful conversation with my current partner, I was left wondering if I had some kind of antisocial personality disorder, because they expressed that "they still had feelings for me" and at that time, I didn't feel anything toward them. At the end, I knew intellectually that I had hurt them deeply, but I still have a hard time understanding what they're going through, and maybe this question reads like I still, deep down, believe I was right.
My therapist has told me I'm a very cerebral person, and I rarely react from the heart. I feel that I have a hard time intuitively picking up my own feelings and others' feelings, and so I often unintentionally ignore them and hurt them. When I told my partner this, they felt very upset because they thought it meant their feelings weren't important enough to me to be something I paid attention to -- which might be true.
---
So, what can I do to improve this situation? I would really welcome suggestions for relationship books that focus on practicing empathy and communicating from the heart, and ways to work with my therapist to figure out how to improve my relationship styles.
My partner and I also plan to meet to talk about what happened that weekend, so suggestions for how to have this conversation with them would be very welcome (books, etc). I do really care for them. The relationship is very important to me and I want us to find a way to rebuild the trust that we lost.
You sound very self-aware and I admire your communication skills to so deftly outline the conflict and background. The part about being cerebral resonates with me and it’s something I’m actively working on myself. It’s also great that you want to do the work to improve though work with your therapist, and I’ll let others answer that part of your question.
But with all due respect, based on what you said about your difficulty picking up your own and others’ feelings and “performing empathy and manipulating people to get what you want”, it sounds like asking for advice here about how to handle the convo with this partner would be doing more of the same unless you were transparent with them that you posted here. Is that something you are willing to do? If I were in your partner’s shoes with the concerns you mention and had learned later that the technique used to attempt a repair to our bond was crowdsourced, that would feel performative and give me zero confidence that we are a healthy match. If you were to be honest and say that you have been doing some self-reflection and even posted a Q on the internet, AND shared the thread with me if I asked to see it or offered it if I didn’t, that is an honest opening that I could work with. It demonstrates your willingness to be vulnerable as well. Sorry if I’ve got this all wrong.
posted by sunrise kingdom at 4:37 PM on August 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
But with all due respect, based on what you said about your difficulty picking up your own and others’ feelings and “performing empathy and manipulating people to get what you want”, it sounds like asking for advice here about how to handle the convo with this partner would be doing more of the same unless you were transparent with them that you posted here. Is that something you are willing to do? If I were in your partner’s shoes with the concerns you mention and had learned later that the technique used to attempt a repair to our bond was crowdsourced, that would feel performative and give me zero confidence that we are a healthy match. If you were to be honest and say that you have been doing some self-reflection and even posted a Q on the internet, AND shared the thread with me if I asked to see it or offered it if I didn’t, that is an honest opening that I could work with. It demonstrates your willingness to be vulnerable as well. Sorry if I’ve got this all wrong.
posted by sunrise kingdom at 4:37 PM on August 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
As another cerebral person in a relationship with a more emotionally aware person, I've found that I have had to build a habit of not assuming that I've "figured things out" or that they're as simple as I thought they were. Not that they're necessarily more complicated or that emotions are complicators, but that the way I've figured it out is not inclusive of my partner's perspective, which is necessarily different from mine. So I've had to learn to ask questions, and to question not my experience or my own feelings, but the idea that my experience and feelings comprise the totality of a given event, be it trivial or profound.
Something I have had to learn is to hold off when I seem to be missing something, like why my partner is upset at something I did or said. Is it just a misunderstanding? Did I screw up? My immediate thought is almost always "clear it up by explaining." But this is something that in a way tries to put the emotion my partner is having back inside, to question its necessity or validity. Not my intention at all but when someone says "What you said made me feel this way" and you say "I didn't say/mean that" it skips over the part where you acknowledge that to feel that way is understandable and valid. This is hard for me because to me it sort of solidifies the miscommunication as a "real" thing rather than just a mistake, but the truth is not everyone thinks the same way as me, in fact I suspect very few people do. For conversations with my partner it is more important to validate and accept first and then move on to the "but this was all just a miscommunication" part.
Anyway - adjusting my approach to be a bit more listen-first and acknowledge-first helped me integrate what I heard and acknowledged into my own perspective and be better informed and more sensitive for the purposes of that discussion and perhaps beyond.
I hope this helps a little! It's definitely something I struggle with but that helps to make a conscious effort at.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 4:40 PM on August 25, 2021 [10 favorites]
Something I have had to learn is to hold off when I seem to be missing something, like why my partner is upset at something I did or said. Is it just a misunderstanding? Did I screw up? My immediate thought is almost always "clear it up by explaining." But this is something that in a way tries to put the emotion my partner is having back inside, to question its necessity or validity. Not my intention at all but when someone says "What you said made me feel this way" and you say "I didn't say/mean that" it skips over the part where you acknowledge that to feel that way is understandable and valid. This is hard for me because to me it sort of solidifies the miscommunication as a "real" thing rather than just a mistake, but the truth is not everyone thinks the same way as me, in fact I suspect very few people do. For conversations with my partner it is more important to validate and accept first and then move on to the "but this was all just a miscommunication" part.
Anyway - adjusting my approach to be a bit more listen-first and acknowledge-first helped me integrate what I heard and acknowledged into my own perspective and be better informed and more sensitive for the purposes of that discussion and perhaps beyond.
I hope this helps a little! It's definitely something I struggle with but that helps to make a conscious effort at.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 4:40 PM on August 25, 2021 [10 favorites]
Could I clarify something? This was just a vacation, right? You aren’t actually cohabitating? As in, you don’t currently pay rent to the same landlord and don’t have plans to in the future. Because a) calling a weekend vacation “cohabiting” is... weird, and b) this is exactly why people do things like taking weekend vacations together before jumping into cohabitation.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:51 PM on August 25, 2021 [26 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 4:51 PM on August 25, 2021 [26 favorites]
This person sounds like an a**hole and using their anxiety and fragility to make you feel bad about innocent questions (I mean...the examples that you gave sound like mistakes and/or helpful suggestions??? This is in response to you putting a coaster on a wooden table or suggestions for activities that they don't want do???) in a manipulative and even borderline abusive way. If I'm getting the full scope of these interactions and you are sharing this truthfully....get out.
posted by pando11 at 4:57 PM on August 25, 2021 [30 favorites]
posted by pando11 at 4:57 PM on August 25, 2021 [30 favorites]
pando11, I'm not sure you're attributing the behaviours correctly. The question asker *didn't* use a coaster, and dismissed reminders to do so, it sounds like.
posted by sagc at 5:00 PM on August 25, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by sagc at 5:00 PM on August 25, 2021 [4 favorites]
this is written so carefully around things that it is difficult to conclude much from it. which I can't blame you for; privacy is important. but one thing stands out as not in doubt: a particular use of rhetoric and formalized phrasing are neither substitutes for, nor even similar to, use of logic.
used logic to justify the primacy of my own feelings.
I don't think you are lying and I don't suspect you of any intent to deceive. but I don't believe you.
misused logic, maybe, but even that I would doubt. this is nothing more than a stranger's impression, but if you are identifying your emotional impulses as logical reasoning because you don't recognize them as emotional impulses, you would not be the first person to do so.
one other thing I can offer that might possibly be useful: I think that when you strongly believe deep down that you are right, trying to pretend or suppress that belief away is the wrong move. particularly when you're already concerned about your capacity for authentic possession and display of emotion and empathy; it is infuriating to fight with someone who clearly believes they're right but thinks nobility requires the pretense of not saying so. You can fake the little things out of courtesy; little things add up and that can save a relationship sometimes. but don't try to fake the big things. There are such things as irreconcilable differences.
It is absolutely possible to develop cognitive empathy as a deliberate skill that relies on observation and deduction, not instinct or even emotion. You can certainly do that if you think you need to. but it is much harder to do so when it is important to you, and to your construction of self, to believe that living in your head means your thoughts are already logical, or that it means your conclusions are well worked out intellectually relative to the conclusions of your partners & friends. many millions of people fall into the seductive trap of believing that they are 'too logical' or 'think too much' and in my own opinion, most of those people are not thinking enough or not thinking clearly enough.
and I don't even think you're unaware of this; you mention your own subconscious so it's not like you're denying having one. but while your therapist may be very good and may be helping you, I wish therapists realized that no good ever comes of telling people they're "cerebral." not if they are people at risk of believing it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:01 PM on August 25, 2021 [44 favorites]
used logic to justify the primacy of my own feelings.
I don't think you are lying and I don't suspect you of any intent to deceive. but I don't believe you.
misused logic, maybe, but even that I would doubt. this is nothing more than a stranger's impression, but if you are identifying your emotional impulses as logical reasoning because you don't recognize them as emotional impulses, you would not be the first person to do so.
one other thing I can offer that might possibly be useful: I think that when you strongly believe deep down that you are right, trying to pretend or suppress that belief away is the wrong move. particularly when you're already concerned about your capacity for authentic possession and display of emotion and empathy; it is infuriating to fight with someone who clearly believes they're right but thinks nobility requires the pretense of not saying so. You can fake the little things out of courtesy; little things add up and that can save a relationship sometimes. but don't try to fake the big things. There are such things as irreconcilable differences.
It is absolutely possible to develop cognitive empathy as a deliberate skill that relies on observation and deduction, not instinct or even emotion. You can certainly do that if you think you need to. but it is much harder to do so when it is important to you, and to your construction of self, to believe that living in your head means your thoughts are already logical, or that it means your conclusions are well worked out intellectually relative to the conclusions of your partners & friends. many millions of people fall into the seductive trap of believing that they are 'too logical' or 'think too much' and in my own opinion, most of those people are not thinking enough or not thinking clearly enough.
and I don't even think you're unaware of this; you mention your own subconscious so it's not like you're denying having one. but while your therapist may be very good and may be helping you, I wish therapists realized that no good ever comes of telling people they're "cerebral." not if they are people at risk of believing it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:01 PM on August 25, 2021 [44 favorites]
Look into these, see if any ring a bell.
+ alexithymia
+ anxious-avoidant attachment dynamics
+ trauma responses (especially fawn)
+ adult autism and adhd
Some of the experiences you mention here are quite common with neurodivergent folks, including carelessness due to attention issues, difficulty with small talk and reading people, emotional styles that appear aloof or intellectualized, and delayed feelings that are deeply felt but hard to convey to others. If that seems relatable to you, take a look at embrace-autism.com and check out the many great social groups on tiktok, facebook and twitter. Autism and ADHD look really different in adults, especially queers, nbs and women— popular depictions of these neurotypes have like three grains of truth buried in an trash fire of inaccuracy.
Also, agree that your partner's behavior seems odd. A fight for forgetting to put a coaster down? At best a mismatch, at worst toxic. Examine carefully.
You seem thoughtful and curious. I hope some of these ideas bring you insight!
posted by lloquat at 5:07 PM on August 25, 2021 [11 favorites]
+ alexithymia
+ anxious-avoidant attachment dynamics
+ trauma responses (especially fawn)
+ adult autism and adhd
Some of the experiences you mention here are quite common with neurodivergent folks, including carelessness due to attention issues, difficulty with small talk and reading people, emotional styles that appear aloof or intellectualized, and delayed feelings that are deeply felt but hard to convey to others. If that seems relatable to you, take a look at embrace-autism.com and check out the many great social groups on tiktok, facebook and twitter. Autism and ADHD look really different in adults, especially queers, nbs and women— popular depictions of these neurotypes have like three grains of truth buried in an trash fire of inaccuracy.
Also, agree that your partner's behavior seems odd. A fight for forgetting to put a coaster down? At best a mismatch, at worst toxic. Examine carefully.
You seem thoughtful and curious. I hope some of these ideas bring you insight!
posted by lloquat at 5:07 PM on August 25, 2021 [11 favorites]
From reading this, it feels like a narrative has been created whereby this is largely your fault or a result of your failings. I don't know if that narrative is a product of your partner's words/actions or your own mind or some mix of both, but it doesn't feel like an accurate narrative from my place way over here as a reader.
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:09 PM on August 25, 2021 [26 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:09 PM on August 25, 2021 [26 favorites]
I feel like I don't know enough about you or your cohabitant from this post to say who here is "at fault" or acting "correctly," but I do feel safe saying that perhaps you are not correct for each other.
(Personally, I think that your response to someone who straight out asked for pictures of your exes--and that you included that detail here--shows that you do have some emotional intelligence. Take that as you will.)
posted by kingdead at 5:42 PM on August 25, 2021 [21 favorites]
(Personally, I think that your response to someone who straight out asked for pictures of your exes--and that you included that detail here--shows that you do have some emotional intelligence. Take that as you will.)
posted by kingdead at 5:42 PM on August 25, 2021 [21 favorites]
Just for some outsider perspective, if I had arranged to house sit for a friend, and my partner of only six months a) caused multiple forms of actual or potential damage to the house, and b) blew me off when I expressed concern about that, I would be… pretty mad. It would feel like being in this new environment revealed moderately damaging information about the person I was dating—specifically that they were not careful with my friend’s belongings, didn’t care if the damage they caused might hurt my relationship with my friend, and, most importantly, didn’t respect me or my feelings enough to listen to me when I tried to intervene. Since you don’t specify exactly what you did (apart from two hypotheticals with very different degrees of potential damage), it is difficult to guess at the full appropriateness of either your actions or their response, but I thought that perspective might be helpful.
I also think it’s relevant what kind of “boundary pushing” activity you suggested; not all proposed activities are neutral. If they had previously told you they didn’t want to go for a hike, for example, and you asked again, they might have felt ignored or just irritated. But if the activity you proposed was more intimate—either physically, or emotionally-loaded in some way—then that might explain the extreme shut-down of their emotions and the way they pulled away from you.
And per both my points above, I will also say that despite the length and dispassionate tone of this post, you actually leave out quite a bit of information that seems extremely relevant to me to understanding what happened. Another example: you seem to agree with the assessment that you ignored your partner and brushed them off many times, but how did you do that exactly? Was it absent-mindedness, i.e. you agreed with them in the moment but then forgot? What was your tone or facial expressions? Did you criticize them in response?
If you are trying to maintain anonymity, I suppose I get that. But if you just don’t think the specifics of the situation are important, I think that is telling information to know about how you view what happened. From my perspective, the details are everything here. Before you speak with your partner, I think it would really help you to think about the details you have left out, and what they might be able to tell you about your own feelings or motives.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 5:58 PM on August 25, 2021 [29 favorites]
I also think it’s relevant what kind of “boundary pushing” activity you suggested; not all proposed activities are neutral. If they had previously told you they didn’t want to go for a hike, for example, and you asked again, they might have felt ignored or just irritated. But if the activity you proposed was more intimate—either physically, or emotionally-loaded in some way—then that might explain the extreme shut-down of their emotions and the way they pulled away from you.
And per both my points above, I will also say that despite the length and dispassionate tone of this post, you actually leave out quite a bit of information that seems extremely relevant to me to understanding what happened. Another example: you seem to agree with the assessment that you ignored your partner and brushed them off many times, but how did you do that exactly? Was it absent-mindedness, i.e. you agreed with them in the moment but then forgot? What was your tone or facial expressions? Did you criticize them in response?
If you are trying to maintain anonymity, I suppose I get that. But if you just don’t think the specifics of the situation are important, I think that is telling information to know about how you view what happened. From my perspective, the details are everything here. Before you speak with your partner, I think it would really help you to think about the details you have left out, and what they might be able to tell you about your own feelings or motives.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 5:58 PM on August 25, 2021 [29 favorites]
I agree with CtrlAltDelete about the importance of this housesitting set-up and time with you for your partner. It seems like it was a relationship escalation, and they put a great deal of work into making it happen. It sounds like they talked some reluctant friends into letting you all take care of their house and cat, and your partner wanted to make sure you all took great care with everything. And when you missed a few things, and then they reminded you of those things, you minimized the issue. This is a red flag for sure, and I get why your partner was upset.
Also, when they raised issues from the past few months, it sounds like you were pretty defensive and tried to explain things. In that moment, it was probably very hard to hear those things, but a better response might have been to listen and not try to defend or explain.
A friend of mine uses a veneer of being the logical one in emotionally charged situations, as a way to gain some emotional safety and distance. It can be quite frustrating to engage with someone who is like, "But I'm cool and logical and you are emotional and therefore likely wrong." It's incredibly controlling.
Were the activities you proposed related to sex or physical intimacy? If so, and if they are telling you that they felt like you pushed boundaries, that's a really big deal, and something you need to reflect on carefully.
My suggestion for moving forward: when you meet up, try very hard not to defend or explain your behaviors. Truly listen to the hurt and pain they express. Validate their emotions. I think repair begins by you listening, sincerely. I also think you need to apologize for how dismissive you were of their feelings during the housesitting time.
But if your framing is that this person is overly emotional and you are driven by logic, then I think you might not be a great match.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:11 PM on August 25, 2021 [11 favorites]
Also, when they raised issues from the past few months, it sounds like you were pretty defensive and tried to explain things. In that moment, it was probably very hard to hear those things, but a better response might have been to listen and not try to defend or explain.
A friend of mine uses a veneer of being the logical one in emotionally charged situations, as a way to gain some emotional safety and distance. It can be quite frustrating to engage with someone who is like, "But I'm cool and logical and you are emotional and therefore likely wrong." It's incredibly controlling.
Were the activities you proposed related to sex or physical intimacy? If so, and if they are telling you that they felt like you pushed boundaries, that's a really big deal, and something you need to reflect on carefully.
My suggestion for moving forward: when you meet up, try very hard not to defend or explain your behaviors. Truly listen to the hurt and pain they express. Validate their emotions. I think repair begins by you listening, sincerely. I also think you need to apologize for how dismissive you were of their feelings during the housesitting time.
But if your framing is that this person is overly emotional and you are driven by logic, then I think you might not be a great match.
posted by bluedaisy at 6:11 PM on August 25, 2021 [11 favorites]
I think people are projecting and making up stories because the way you write about this isn’t completely clear. I’ve been in relationships before where we argued a lot and it seemingly came out of small things and after moving on I realized they weren’t good relationships for me not because either of us was terrible but for whatever reason our personalities or circumstances were not a good fit and our communication styles didn’t match. Those fights also always ended up being tests of our whole relationship with plenty of unsaid things being aired.
It seems to be that you may not be a good match for someone who is just getting out of a traumatic marriage. Your partner probably needs to process that and learn to be in other relationships again. This relationship sounds draining. You’ve dated for six months and house sat for a couple of days it shouldn’t be this hard. It’s really cohabitating either and it shouldn’t be a test of your character.
I also don’t think it’s kind or appropriate of your partner to bring up a list of complaints and try to make you justify them. It sounds like by that point things had just gone off the rails. As to moving forward I would seriously consider whether this is a good time for this relationship and maybe accept that if you do want to move forward some space is necessary between you so you can both work on what you need and want.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 6:31 PM on August 25, 2021 [21 favorites]
It seems to be that you may not be a good match for someone who is just getting out of a traumatic marriage. Your partner probably needs to process that and learn to be in other relationships again. This relationship sounds draining. You’ve dated for six months and house sat for a couple of days it shouldn’t be this hard. It’s really cohabitating either and it shouldn’t be a test of your character.
I also don’t think it’s kind or appropriate of your partner to bring up a list of complaints and try to make you justify them. It sounds like by that point things had just gone off the rails. As to moving forward I would seriously consider whether this is a good time for this relationship and maybe accept that if you do want to move forward some space is necessary between you so you can both work on what you need and want.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 6:31 PM on August 25, 2021 [21 favorites]
Do you really want this level of drama in your life? You come across as straight-forward and self-aware... characteristics that do not comport with the way, as you portray it, that your partner approaches the relationship. You're being meticulous in accepting fault and being sensitive to your partner's perspectives. No one is necessarily wrong here, but you may not be compatible.
In short, these are the early days of your relationship and you're getting to play house together (despite the unexpected maintenance burdens); you should both be ecstatic about the opportunity and giddy with each other, deep in the first flush of delight and mutual discovery. Perhaps your partner is still processing the traumatic marriage you reference, but does that really matter? Your relationship shouldn't be this hard. Time to move on.
posted by carmicha at 7:19 PM on August 25, 2021 [7 favorites]
In short, these are the early days of your relationship and you're getting to play house together (despite the unexpected maintenance burdens); you should both be ecstatic about the opportunity and giddy with each other, deep in the first flush of delight and mutual discovery. Perhaps your partner is still processing the traumatic marriage you reference, but does that really matter? Your relationship shouldn't be this hard. Time to move on.
posted by carmicha at 7:19 PM on August 25, 2021 [7 favorites]
I promise I'm not trying to be dismissive or flippant - and neither am I trying to dis you - when I say: it really shouldn't be this hard. Whatever the cause, whoever's at fault, doesn't matter. This level of conflict over just a couple of days' house-sitting together isn't fun for either of you, and there's no reason to force it. It's okay to say this didn't work for either of you and let's not do *this* again.
Maybe someday you both will be ready to try vacationing or cohabiting again, and maybe not. Your ability to spend weekends vacationing together doesn't have to be the metric by which you judge the validity or viability of your romance. You can both make a mature adult decision that your relationship works best when you spend a few hours or at most a day together at a time. You can refuse to live with someone and yet count on each other for organ donations and be nursing home buddies when you're too old to remember who you are.
posted by MiraK at 7:54 PM on August 25, 2021 [26 favorites]
Maybe someday you both will be ready to try vacationing or cohabiting again, and maybe not. Your ability to spend weekends vacationing together doesn't have to be the metric by which you judge the validity or viability of your romance. You can both make a mature adult decision that your relationship works best when you spend a few hours or at most a day together at a time. You can refuse to live with someone and yet count on each other for organ donations and be nursing home buddies when you're too old to remember who you are.
posted by MiraK at 7:54 PM on August 25, 2021 [26 favorites]
In your partner's eyes, there are social cues they are giving off that you're not picking up. It's hard to say from this post what they might be, but they probably seem blindingly obvious to your partner and not at all obvious to you, and your partner is just kind of flabbergasted that you're not on the same page here. Lots of potential causes: ask vs. guess, different attachment styles, different communication styles, maybe one or both of you are neurodivergent, past relationship trauma, maybe your partner is kind of expecting you to read their mind, maybe a mix of the above. Regardless, if you are enthusiastic about this relationship, you have to figure out how to pick up on your partner's cues, and your partner has to figure out when to make those cues more obvious. Otherwise you are going to be constantly out of sync with each other.
posted by danceswithlight at 7:55 PM on August 25, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by danceswithlight at 7:55 PM on August 25, 2021 [3 favorites]
You have things to work on with your therapist, sure, but the weekend away your partner took pains to arrange reads less like a vacation and more like a surprise quiz.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:01 PM on August 25, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:01 PM on August 25, 2021 [6 favorites]
You've received a lot of good responses, so I'll confine mine to something I don't think I've seen addressed yet.
Even absent everything else you mentioned, this person sounds pretty high-maintenance and dramatic. It's possible this is because they're still processing the end of their marriage and they'll find their equilibrium eventually, or this might just be the type of person they are. But my read of your description of events is that they're at least a bit controlling, and I definitely agree that this holiday reads more like a test than a fun getaway.
It sounds like your partner has some valid complaints; but it also sounds like some of their behaviour is a cause for valid complaints as well. It may be worth putting some consideration into that, and how it affects the relationship, as well before trying to move forward. Making it all about the mistakes you made and things you need to change could set a bad precedent.
Were I in your shoes I'd be taking some of their behaviour as red flags as well. (Asking to see photos of your exes and then crying when you say no is something that could also be described as "sneaky pushing of boundaries".) You mentioned offhandedly you were "unsure about the value of being in this relationship and how much I liked this person; it was a recent decision, for me, that I valued the relationship and wanted to be in it"; if you want to continue this relationship, the slowing-down phase they're suggesting sounds like an excellent opportunity for both parties.
Taking a step back and reevaluating could be a blessing in disguise.
posted by myotahapea at 10:46 PM on August 25, 2021 [19 favorites]
They went out of their way to get their very close friends to let us housesit and catsit so we could have a vacation (we were their first housesitters, so were told to be extra careful)."Went out of their way" could be interpreted in a few ways, but along with the information that these friends had never had housesitters before, it sounds possible that your partner at least pressured these people, or possibly crossed a boundary themselves, in the asking. The fact you then didn't care for the house up to the standard they felt was necessary, and they then not only cut short a holiday they'd gone to a lot of effort to arrange, impulsively packing and leaving in the middle of the night, but also left the 'bad caretaker' alone in the home of their friends because they put their emotions first is ... worrying.
Over the course of the weekend, I behaved carelessly (think "forgetting to put down a coaster on a wooden surface" or "accidentally closing the door to the room with the cat litter"
They then packed their stuff and left the vacation house at 4 am, and asked me to move out of the house the next day.
Even absent everything else you mentioned, this person sounds pretty high-maintenance and dramatic. It's possible this is because they're still processing the end of their marriage and they'll find their equilibrium eventually, or this might just be the type of person they are. But my read of your description of events is that they're at least a bit controlling, and I definitely agree that this holiday reads more like a test than a fun getaway.
It sounds like your partner has some valid complaints; but it also sounds like some of their behaviour is a cause for valid complaints as well. It may be worth putting some consideration into that, and how it affects the relationship, as well before trying to move forward. Making it all about the mistakes you made and things you need to change could set a bad precedent.
Were I in your shoes I'd be taking some of their behaviour as red flags as well. (Asking to see photos of your exes and then crying when you say no is something that could also be described as "sneaky pushing of boundaries".) You mentioned offhandedly you were "unsure about the value of being in this relationship and how much I liked this person; it was a recent decision, for me, that I valued the relationship and wanted to be in it"; if you want to continue this relationship, the slowing-down phase they're suggesting sounds like an excellent opportunity for both parties.
Taking a step back and reevaluating could be a blessing in disguise.
posted by myotahapea at 10:46 PM on August 25, 2021 [19 favorites]
I was also going to suggest looking into alexithymia and avoidant attachment. And possibly spectrum related or ADHD related things.
Finding your emotions inside yourself, learning to look for them, label them, notice where you experience sensations of that emotion in your body, are skills that almost anyone can learn. It's simple, but not necessarily easy. Depending on your brain, your background, whether you were a produce of childhood emotional neglect (many who are do not notice it or see their past that way), it may be easier said than done.
Being cerebral is sometimes code for "I'm afraid to feel things so lemme hide out in my head " and isn't noble at all in that sense. It's a psychological defense known as intellectualizing, and an especially intoxicating one because society values intelligence so we get to increase our value while avoiding hard/intense/ambiguous things.
Similarly, deciding your version of truth is the right or accurate one can be alienating and disconnecting for people who evaluate situations more subjectively. If you're speaking to someone good at perspective taking, it's probably going to cause friction if you aren't attempting the same thing.
I can't say if your friend was overreacting or not because the details are not very clear but this does read to me like what happens when you pair an emotionally warmed up person with an emotionally shut down person.
As an aside, I have only ever seen dismissiveness towards someone calling out a problem serve to escalate the situation, as it can be quite invalidating for the other person. Most people will tend to double down in that situation, because we want the people that care about us to also make room for our experience. Dismissiveness implies there is only room for the dismissing person's perspective. You might want to at least try to change that particular pattern, if it exists. Maybe start with where you learned to do that, if that was done to you, etc.
Many who have avoidant attachment (which you may or may not have) got there because their needs were unmet early on, and it was so painful they decided to shut down to that part of themselves altogether, which basically is invalidating one's own emotional self. We are more likely to put the same style of coping on other people, but it backfires pretty spectacularly with emotionally oriented people.
posted by crunchy potato at 11:13 PM on August 25, 2021 [3 favorites]
Finding your emotions inside yourself, learning to look for them, label them, notice where you experience sensations of that emotion in your body, are skills that almost anyone can learn. It's simple, but not necessarily easy. Depending on your brain, your background, whether you were a produce of childhood emotional neglect (many who are do not notice it or see their past that way), it may be easier said than done.
Being cerebral is sometimes code for "I'm afraid to feel things so lemme hide out in my head " and isn't noble at all in that sense. It's a psychological defense known as intellectualizing, and an especially intoxicating one because society values intelligence so we get to increase our value while avoiding hard/intense/ambiguous things.
Similarly, deciding your version of truth is the right or accurate one can be alienating and disconnecting for people who evaluate situations more subjectively. If you're speaking to someone good at perspective taking, it's probably going to cause friction if you aren't attempting the same thing.
I can't say if your friend was overreacting or not because the details are not very clear but this does read to me like what happens when you pair an emotionally warmed up person with an emotionally shut down person.
As an aside, I have only ever seen dismissiveness towards someone calling out a problem serve to escalate the situation, as it can be quite invalidating for the other person. Most people will tend to double down in that situation, because we want the people that care about us to also make room for our experience. Dismissiveness implies there is only room for the dismissing person's perspective. You might want to at least try to change that particular pattern, if it exists. Maybe start with where you learned to do that, if that was done to you, etc.
Many who have avoidant attachment (which you may or may not have) got there because their needs were unmet early on, and it was so painful they decided to shut down to that part of themselves altogether, which basically is invalidating one's own emotional self. We are more likely to put the same style of coping on other people, but it backfires pretty spectacularly with emotionally oriented people.
posted by crunchy potato at 11:13 PM on August 25, 2021 [3 favorites]
That housesitting situation sounds like a nightmare. Housesitting/petsitting is not the same as a vacation-- witness the level of stress caused by the coaster thing. This was not a good choice for your first time away as a new couple and it's why a lot of people absolutely refuse to stay in other people's houses.
Have you found your new partner to be controlling outside of this situation? The thing is, they chose this setup, it became stressful as these things do and then they blamed it all on this or that omission on your part. Do they think they get to do this because of all the "trouble" they went to? When they talk about their previous long-term relationship, do they describe incidents like this? I feel as if, maybe out of habit, they are setting you up to fail and to take the blame for things.
I'd also be a little concerned that you suggest an activity, they reject the idea and you not only agree not to do it but agree that they were right. If this even the kind of decision where right and wrong apply?
posted by BibiRose at 5:05 AM on August 26, 2021 [11 favorites]
Have you found your new partner to be controlling outside of this situation? The thing is, they chose this setup, it became stressful as these things do and then they blamed it all on this or that omission on your part. Do they think they get to do this because of all the "trouble" they went to? When they talk about their previous long-term relationship, do they describe incidents like this? I feel as if, maybe out of habit, they are setting you up to fail and to take the blame for things.
I'd also be a little concerned that you suggest an activity, they reject the idea and you not only agree not to do it but agree that they were right. If this even the kind of decision where right and wrong apply?
posted by BibiRose at 5:05 AM on August 26, 2021 [11 favorites]
Just a few random thoughts, since it's impossible to really know what's going on from a short description. But aside from the possibility you mention that your partner's reactions may be mediated by their previous experience and so more extreme than other people's reactions might be, they might also not be thinking about you in a very fair way. Saying that they think you're pushing boundaries is one thing; calling that "sneaky" is another, because it implies bad motivations and conscious slyness on your part.
It's good that you want to work on these things independently of your partner. It's also worth keeping in mind that your relationship style might be a better fit for some people than others.
(e.g. when they asked "can I see pictures of your exes?" I said "no, why would you need to see that?")
I get your reaction and instinct here and in principle I think you're right. But as a general approach it might be better to start with the "why" than with the "no" (as a genuine question, not a rhetorical one, seeing it as a way to better understand both the request and the person making it); to explain your own feelings about preferring not to delve into the subject of exes of all things; and possibly to compromise in some way given the context the request is taking place in, or find another, less problematic way to satisfy their "why".
posted by trig at 5:09 AM on August 26, 2021
It's good that you want to work on these things independently of your partner. It's also worth keeping in mind that your relationship style might be a better fit for some people than others.
(e.g. when they asked "can I see pictures of your exes?" I said "no, why would you need to see that?")
I get your reaction and instinct here and in principle I think you're right. But as a general approach it might be better to start with the "why" than with the "no" (as a genuine question, not a rhetorical one, seeing it as a way to better understand both the request and the person making it); to explain your own feelings about preferring not to delve into the subject of exes of all things; and possibly to compromise in some way given the context the request is taking place in, or find another, less problematic way to satisfy their "why".
posted by trig at 5:09 AM on August 26, 2021
I'm with MiraK - I don't actually care whose fault this is, this relationship sounds exhausting. A first vacation can tell you a lot about if a relationship is going to work. I'd suggest you listen to what this trip is telling you.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:28 AM on August 26, 2021 [18 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:28 AM on August 26, 2021 [18 favorites]
I think you have a lot of insightful responses here. My two cents is that it reminds me of a phase in my marriage where we were still learning to communicate well with one another, and so a lot of our arguments would kind of devolve into fighting about how we fight. Like, we should have been able to have a discussion about the subject, but the ways we communicated differently from one another were frustrating and we would find ourselves circling around those rather than a concrete issue. And arguing about something that's not really a concrete issue is maddening, especially when you don't really realize that's what you're doing. it took us a few years to make that adjustment and find a place where we could communicate about what we were actually communicating about rather than how we were communicating it. But the foundation is good will on both sides. The point of an argument in a relationship is to find a solution or way forward. But for that, you have to be arguing toward a solution and not with the intention of hurting each other, or from a position of nursing your own hurts too much to communicate around. If you're shouting at each other from around large barrier of (my own feelings and experiences from past relationships and baggage and why are you looking at me like that while we argue) it's hard to talk about the real things you need to talk about.
posted by Occula at 8:35 AM on August 26, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Occula at 8:35 AM on August 26, 2021 [4 favorites]
When people see themselves as logical/dispassionate, there are a few styles of argument they tend to make in relationships that *seem* logical to them, but actually make things worse. It's hard to read between the lines here, but I suspect that you might be using something like this with your partner:
1. "[Thing X] does not upset me, for reasons A and B. Because I believe reasons A and B are good and reasonable, I have concluded that *you* should not be upset by [thing X]. So if you're upset, it must be because you're emotional/sensitive/dramatic, and not because [thing X] is bad.
(this also goes for the reverse: I enjoy this, therefore...)
2. My opinion about [Thing X] was arrived at logically. If you don't share my opinion, it must be because you don't understand my reasoning. So I will explain my reasoning to you more/harder, and then you will understand and think the same way that I do.
3. We are both good people of equal moral worth. I would never criticize you about something like [thing X]. So if you criticize *me* about [thing X] you're saying that I'm a worse person than you, and I know that's not true. Therefore you're wrong to criticize me.
4. My behavior [X] is caused by anxiety/depression. If you express concern about [X], it will make me more anxious/depressed and more likely to do [X]. Therefore you should never raise concerns about [X].
I'm not saying that you necessarily do any of the above, but be careful that your logical thinking doesn't actually boil down to "you should feel the same way that I do about things" rather than inquiring and trying to understand what their feelings are.
I'll echo CtrlAltDelete above and say that if I were charged with taking care of something for my friend, and my partner was careless and dismissive about that responsibility, I would be pretty bothered, because to my friend it would reflect poorly on *me* and potentially harm my relationship with my friend.
posted by beatrice rex at 10:28 AM on August 26, 2021 [24 favorites]
1. "[Thing X] does not upset me, for reasons A and B. Because I believe reasons A and B are good and reasonable, I have concluded that *you* should not be upset by [thing X]. So if you're upset, it must be because you're emotional/sensitive/dramatic, and not because [thing X] is bad.
(this also goes for the reverse: I enjoy this, therefore...)
2. My opinion about [Thing X] was arrived at logically. If you don't share my opinion, it must be because you don't understand my reasoning. So I will explain my reasoning to you more/harder, and then you will understand and think the same way that I do.
3. We are both good people of equal moral worth. I would never criticize you about something like [thing X]. So if you criticize *me* about [thing X] you're saying that I'm a worse person than you, and I know that's not true. Therefore you're wrong to criticize me.
4. My behavior [X] is caused by anxiety/depression. If you express concern about [X], it will make me more anxious/depressed and more likely to do [X]. Therefore you should never raise concerns about [X].
I'm not saying that you necessarily do any of the above, but be careful that your logical thinking doesn't actually boil down to "you should feel the same way that I do about things" rather than inquiring and trying to understand what their feelings are.
I'll echo CtrlAltDelete above and say that if I were charged with taking care of something for my friend, and my partner was careless and dismissive about that responsibility, I would be pretty bothered, because to my friend it would reflect poorly on *me* and potentially harm my relationship with my friend.
posted by beatrice rex at 10:28 AM on August 26, 2021 [24 favorites]
A note on the above: the question about them asking to see pictures of your exes is a good example. Your response wasn't "I don't feel comfortable showing those to you", it was "why would you need to see that?" which implies that their desire is unreasonable (presumably because it's not something you would want to see in their place).
posted by beatrice rex at 10:51 AM on August 26, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by beatrice rex at 10:51 AM on August 26, 2021 [4 favorites]
About the photos: I don't know why your partner asked and I don't know whether they are the sort of person to react badly to getting information they asked for, but there's a perfectly logical reason for wanting to see what your partner's exes look like. and that is because you are curious to know whether your partner has an unmistakable physical 'type' that you either do or do not fall right in line with. Different people will feel reassured, or not, by different answers to this question - some people like to feel exceptional and mysteriously magnetic; some people like to see proof that their partner really does go for certain physical features that they have, and isn't just tolerating them.
but it's not something you can find out by just asking your partner, even a partner who wants to be fully transparent, because people tend to be a little or a lot oblivious to the patterns in their own romantic history. even the patterns a third party can see by literally looking.
this does not mean you were obliged to say Yes to the request. this is not the only reason they might have asked, either. but it's hardly illogical.
It is illogical, however, to follow your refusal (fine) with a question about why they need to see pics, unless you meant to make them feel in the wrong for simply asking. the clear implication is that they may not reasonably ask for what they want, only what they need.
maybe it is unfair to do that kind of close reading on your word choice, maybe you misspoke as a simple emotional reflex, much like your partner's reflex of starting to cry. neither of these reflexes are all that terrible. what they are is similar.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:09 PM on August 26, 2021 [5 favorites]
but it's not something you can find out by just asking your partner, even a partner who wants to be fully transparent, because people tend to be a little or a lot oblivious to the patterns in their own romantic history. even the patterns a third party can see by literally looking.
this does not mean you were obliged to say Yes to the request. this is not the only reason they might have asked, either. but it's hardly illogical.
It is illogical, however, to follow your refusal (fine) with a question about why they need to see pics, unless you meant to make them feel in the wrong for simply asking. the clear implication is that they may not reasonably ask for what they want, only what they need.
maybe it is unfair to do that kind of close reading on your word choice, maybe you misspoke as a simple emotional reflex, much like your partner's reflex of starting to cry. neither of these reflexes are all that terrible. what they are is similar.
posted by queenofbithynia at 4:09 PM on August 26, 2021 [5 favorites]
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This kind of thing used to happen in my relationship all the time and eventually I figured out that when I asked him actually, what are you mad about? Or I asked myself, literally what am I mad about? There may or may not be any actual reason. Did someone actually hurt you? Did someone willfully, knowingly disrespect you? If so, then one or both of us must apologize (depending!). And if there's no reason, then we're dropping this case right now and moving on. I can't imagine how many unpleasant experiences I could have avoided if someone had told me how to do this earlier but this isn't the kind of thing people tell each other it seems like.
posted by bleep at 4:19 PM on August 25, 2021 [14 favorites]