Here come the grapes!
January 18, 2021 12:44 PM   Subscribe

My favorite jokes are elephant jokes. I especially like the ones where elephants talk ("Look buddy, I'm not the same elephant") and the ones with bad puns (what's grey and has a trunk and sings jazz?). This has been a lousy year and a lousy first month of 2021 and I would like to hear more funny elephant jokes.

I'm also open to funny talking animal jokes where you subtitute the original animal(s) with elephant(s), but only if the joke is just as funny (no "why the long face?," yes "got any grapes?")

Difficulty rating: I am afraid I may have already heard all the jokes.
posted by Mchelly to Media & Arts (48 answers total) 31 users marked this as a favorite
 
What's large and grey and recites gloomy poetry?

t.s. elephant
posted by cooker girl at 12:46 PM on January 18 [8 favorites]


What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals?

Cantor's diagonal elephant.
posted by grouse at 12:56 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


An elephant walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're an elephant."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the elephant.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the elephant. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the elephant's pint. "It's just we don't get many elephants in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
explains the elephant. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the elephant and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the elephant pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the elephant reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks, when the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this elephant that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the elephant comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Elephant, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the elephant. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"...the circus?" repeats the elephant.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the elephant asks again. "With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the elephant.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the elephant.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The elephant shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?!"

(Full disclosure: originally a duck joke, but I found it funny)
posted by knapah at 12:57 PM on January 18 [48 favorites]


Q. How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
A. The blueberry is blue.

Q: How can you tell the difference between and elephant and a marshmallow?
A. The elephant won't float when you put it into a cup of hot chocolate.

[Well, the jokes can't all be good. You have to expect that sometimes.]
posted by holborne at 1:01 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]


NSFW edition: What's gray and comes in buckets?
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:13 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]


Q. Why are elephants big and grey and wrinkled?

A. Because if they were small and white and round they'd be asprin.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:20 PM on January 18 [6 favorites]


"How does an elephant ask for a peanut?"

Put arm up in air, using hand as end of trunk, and move your hand as you speak the punchline of "May I have a peanut?"

It's probably the WORST elephant joke ever, but I swear it always gets laughs.
It's like the Senor Wences of Elephant Jokes.
I guess I run with a very simple crowd.
posted by Bill Watches Movies Podcast at 1:21 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]


Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
-- So they can hide in a strawberry patch.

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
-- Nothing; it just let out a little wine.
posted by Pallas Athena at 1:28 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


One that works much better when spoken:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino (pronounced " 'ell if I know.")
posted by Johnny Assay at 1:30 PM on January 18 [9 favorites]


101 Elephant Jokes, a Scholastic book from my childhood, is available on EBay.
posted by FencingGal at 1:32 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]


CW: Adult content, misogynistic language

One day an elephant is hanging out in the jungle, when all of a sudden a horsefly starts biting its tail. The elephant shakes its tail, tries to swat the fly with its trunk, rubs its rump against the trees, but nothing works—the horselfy just keeps biting and biting.

A sparrow sees the elephant in distress, so it swoops in and eats the horsefly up.

“Thank you so much!” says the elephant. “Is there anything I can do to repay you?”

“Well,” says the sparrow, “I’ve always wanted to, you know… have sex with an elephant.”

“Go for it!” says the elephant. The sparrow hops on and starts pumping away.

A monkey in a tree above them sees this and starts laughing uncontrollably. It falls back on its branch in hysterics, dislodging a coconut, which falls and hits the elephant straight on the head. “Ouch!” says the elephant.

The sparrow says “Take it, bitch!”
posted by ejs at 1:42 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


Here are the two elephant/grape jokes I've heard:

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
Elephant grape sin(theta).

----------
Three part joke:

What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?

"Here come the elephants over the hill."

What did Jane say when she saw the grapes coming over the hill?
"Here come the elephants over the hill."
...
Jane was color blind.

(Depends on delivery and waiting a couple beats before last line.)
posted by neda at 1:42 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]


The only joke my mom would ever tell was:
Q: Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
A: So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
posted by rikschell at 1:58 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino (pronounced " 'ell if I know.")

As noted above, the canonical answer is: elephant rhino sin(θ)
posted by The Bellman at 2:02 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]


I translated these from Dutch in hopes of finding you some jokes you haven't heard yet...

Q: It's large, it's grey and you can't see it?
A: An elephant around the corner.

A man is enjoying a sauna bath and suddenly an elephant enters the sauna cabin. It sits down on the bench across from the man, looks at him and starts to giggle, and the man asks: what's so funny? The elephant says, while clearly suppressing a belly laugh and gesturing toward the man's crotch:
I'm sorry... it's just the thought that you have to eat with that!

An elephant is standing at a bus stop. A man walks by and says, wide-eyed and totally flabbergasted:
...That's the first time I've ever seen an elephant waiting for the bus!
The elephant says: Better take a good look then, because tonight I'm picking up my Segway from the workshop.

A camel and an elephant meet on the street. The elephant says, why do you have boobs on your back? The camel replies: That's a funny question, from someone with a dick on his face.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:06 PM on January 18 [9 favorites]


Oh, and this is a favourite of my mother:

- Why do elephants wear yellow socks?
- Because then you can't see them when they're hiding in a bowl of custard pudding!

- Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard pudding?
No?
See, it's working!
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:09 PM on January 18 [6 favorites]


Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

---

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a black Magic Marker?
A: An elephant with a big black X on him.

---

"How do you fit an elephant in a shopping cart?"

"I don't know; how do you fit an elephant in a shopping cart?"

"You take the S out of 'safe' and the F out of 'way.'"

[long pause, then inevitably] "There's no F in 'way.'"

"Exactly."
posted by Faint of Butt at 2:12 PM on January 18 [7 favorites]


Q: Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
A: It doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell with.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:17 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


- How do you put four elephants in a VW Beetle?
- Two in the front, two in the back. How else?
posted by Stoneshop at 2:19 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]


An ant decides to go to her favorite beach. When she gets there it's perfect. Not too hot but sunny, medium sized waves, perfect, soft sand.

She puts down her pack, takes out her towel, stretches it out, takes out suntan lotion, applies it, takes out her sunglasses, puts them on, takes out her book and an inflatable pillow, inflates it, and lies back to enjoy her time at the beach.

All of a sudden, an elephant clomps onto the beach and just drops all 4000 Kg of grey flesh right in front of the ant, completely blocking her view and sunlight.

The ant yells and kicks at the elephant for a while, but he pretends not to hear or feel her.

Indignant, the ant rolls up her towel, wipes off the suntan lotion, deflates her pillow, stores her book, packs it all up and starts to walk around the elephant.

When she gets to the other side, after a few hours walking, she, again, puts down her pack, takes out her towel, stretches it out, takes out suntan lotion, applies it, takes out her sunglasses, puts them on, takes out her book and inflatable pillow, inflates it, and lies back in front of the elephant, on the side with all the sun and views.

Satisfied, she looks back and up at the elephant and in her loudest voice yells "ANNOYING, ISN'T IT?"
posted by signal at 2:19 PM on January 18 [13 favorites]


- Why do elephants prefer driving VW Beetles anyway?
- They can totally relate, It also has the trunk in front.
posted by Stoneshop at 2:24 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


"How does an elephant ask for a peanut?"

Put arm up in air, using hand as end of trunk, and move your hand as you speak the punchline of "May I have a peanut?"


This has always been literally my favourite joke of all time, except in the version I know it's a currant bun rather than a peanut.
posted by Chairboy at 2:36 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]


- How do you put four elephants in a VW Beetle?
- Two in the front, two in the back. How else?


- Okay, but then how do you put four giraffes in a VW Beetle?
- The same way. But you'll have to take the elephants out, first.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:36 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


Why did the Elephant brothers get kicked off the beach?

Because they only had one pair of trunks between them!
----

There's another one about travel / trunks but I can't remember.
posted by freethefeet at 2:56 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]


- How do you turn an elephant into a polar bear?
- Easy. First you turn the elephant into a cartesian bear, then it's a simple coordinate transformation to get a polar bear.
posted by Stoneshop at 2:58 PM on January 18 [8 favorites]


Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
-- So they can hide in a strawberry patch.


Inevitable followup:
-But that's ridiculous! It'd never work!
-Well, you've never seen an elephant in a strawberry patch, have you?
posted by eponym at 3:12 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]


- How do you put four elephants in a VW Beetle?
- Two in the front, two in the back. How else?


I always heard this as five elephants: two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

I cannot BELIEVE someone beat me to "elephant grape sine theta," but okay how about this:

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
posted by babelfish at 3:27 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


Q: What's an elephant's favorite pop song?
A: Uptown Trunk.
posted by metabaroque at 3:32 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]


This one was a huge hit when I was in middle school, but you may have to ask your grandma to explain.

How do you know an elephant's been in your bedroom?
There's a nickel on the dresser and your mattress is missing.
posted by FencingGal at 3:41 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]


How do you know you've got an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the peanut butter.

How do you know you've got two elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the peanut butter.

How do you know you've got three elephants in your fridge?
You're all out of peanut butter.

How do you know you've got four elephants in your fridge?
Don't be silly. You could never fit four elephants in your fridge.
posted by The Bellman at 4:32 PM on January 18 [6 favorites]


How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't; you get down from a duck.
For some reason this makes 7 year olds laugh hysterically.
posted by SyraCarol at 4:32 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]


How do you shoot a pink elephant?
Answer: with a pink elephant gun.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
Answer: with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
(Wait for the person to say, "with a yellow elephant gun?")
No. You hold its nose till it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
posted by wjm at 4:40 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
Elephant grape sin(theta).


Yes! Stupendous joke!
But what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rock climber?
Answer: You can't. The rock climber is a scaler (scalar).
posted by wjm at 5:01 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


What do an elephant and a plum have in common?

They're both purple, except for the elephant.
posted by Viola Swamp at 5:05 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]


> How do you know an elephant's been in your bedroom?

I had to look this one up. The setup I found was: How Do You Know Your Elephant Had Her Period?

> There's a nickel on the dresser and your mattress is missing.

Which makes more sense, I suppose, though I'd probably update the amount of change on the dresser. But the only elephant with a menstrual cycle is the elephant shrew.

Anyway, this thread reminds me of my first job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay was lousy, but the tips were tremendous.
posted by Sunburnt at 5:06 PM on January 18 [5 favorites]


This is the only joke I ever wrote. Needs to be said aloud.

What do call a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros?

elephino
posted by ericost at 5:26 PM on January 18 [2 favorites]


What's big, gray, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
posted by Daily Alice at 6:14 PM on January 18 [11 favorites]


I scrolled expecting to see this very mildly NSFW one already:

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that thing?"
posted by clownschool at 6:34 PM on January 18 [1 favorite]


This is one of my favorite jokes, told to me by my uncle when I was in middle school.

How do you catch an elephant?

Go deep, deep into the forest. Dig a giant pit, big enough to hold the elephant. Drag a bunch of wood into the pit and make a fire. When all of that has burned down, line the edge of the pit with peas. When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 6:36 PM on January 18 [3 favorites]


"I'm going to the fabric store. Want anything?"

"Yes, please get me a three-foot-long zipper."

"A three-foot-long zipper? What are you going to do with a three-foot-long zipper?"

"I'm going to make an elephant fly."
posted by hydrophonic at 9:16 PM on January 18 [4 favorites]


Q: Why do elephants resent having to travel by ship?
A: No matter how nice a cabin they book, their trunk has to go in the cargo hold.
posted by Stoneshop at 2:57 AM on January 19 [3 favorites]


What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time for a new fence.
posted by FungusCassetteBicker at 8:34 AM on January 19 [4 favorites]


I'm also open to funny talking animal jokes where you subtitute the original animal(s) with elephant(s), but only if the joke is just as funny

Ok, so I've only ever done this joke with whales, but I'm pretty sure it would be as funny with elephants, at least as long as you can make an elephant trumpeting sound. Maybe even funnier since you can wave your arm around like a trunk, too. NB: this joke works best when you are in a crowded environment, like a bar. So, I guess for now you should just imagine it.

"Two elephants are sitting at a bar. One turns to the other and says, ..." Then you just make the loudest, longest elephant trumpeting sounds you can make. So long that the people you are with start laughing, then they stop while other people start looking, your friends are embarrassed by you, then they start laughing again, then they stop again and are maybe a little worried about you. Then, and only then, do you continue to the punchline: "The second elephant says, 'Dammit Frank, you're drunk again.'"
posted by solotoro at 1:38 PM on January 19 [5 favorites]


Q: What's the biggest drawback in the forest?

A: Elephant's foreskin.
posted by Mundungus at 3:36 PM on January 19 [2 favorites]


What's the difference between an elephant and a Zippo?

One's very heavy and the other's a little lighter.
posted by Athanassiel at 3:49 AM on January 20 [4 favorites]


How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't; you get down from a duck.
For some reason this makes 7 year olds laugh hysterically.
Then follow this up later with:
How do you get down from a duck?
(They say whatever)
What are you doing on a duck, anyway?
posted by Caxton1476 at 11:25 AM on January 21 [2 favorites]


I love telling this elephant joke series to little kids.

How do you fit 4 elephants in a Mini?
2 in front, 2 in the back

What game do four elephants in a Mini play?
Squash

How do you fit 4 giraffes in a Mini?
Take out the elephants, put 2 in the front, 2 in the back.

How do you fit 5 elephants into a Mini?
5 elephants won't fit in a Mini silly.

How do you fit 5 elephants into a VW beetle?
2 in front, 2 in the back, 1 in the ash tray.

How can you tell there's an elephant in your fridge?
There are elephant tracks in the peanut butter.

How can you tell there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
There are two sets of elephant tracks in the peanut butter.

How can you tell there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
You are all out of peanut butter.

How do you tell you have 4 elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.

How can you tell there are 5 elephants in the fridge?
There's a Beetle parked in the driveway.

The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which ones?
The giraffes. They are stuck in the Mini.

Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
The aligators are at the King's party.

--

Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stamping out burning ducks.

--

What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.

--

CW: Adult subject matter

How Can You Tell If Elephants Have Been Mating In Your Yard?
Your Trash Can Liners Are Missing.
posted by Mitheral at 6:55 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]


- How are the elephants coping with COVID?
- They have already developed a vaccine, and every elephant has had their shots.
- Wow, that's amazing. Really, really amazing. How did they manage that?
- Well, Dr. Elephauci said in an interview that they had a meeting very early in the pandemic to decide on the best way forward. And it was vaccines, or face masks. None of the experts could see suitable face masks being developed even if they had ten years to do so, so they just concentrated their efforts on the vaccine.
posted by Stoneshop at 12:36 AM on January 23


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