How to cope with guilt when wanting to break up?
May 24, 2019 3:35 AM Subscribe
I (F29) been together with my boyfriend (29) for nearly 2 years (living together 1). He has many wonderful traits, but he is insecure and anxious inside, and thus is rather suffocating, and he has also other traits I do not like. I tried to break up once, but we ended up still sticking together. He has improved somewhat, but I am pretty sure I do not want to continue the relationship. But I feel incredibly sorry for him and awfully guilty. How do I deal with these feelings?
For me the main issues in the relationship are:
1) He has no social life and no hobbies and this basically puts pressure on me to entertain him and gives me zero opportunities for private alone-time at home, which I so much need. We have discussed the issues prior to moving in and after. He has improved a bit, for example he has mostly stopped his passive-aggressive behaviour towards my activities. He has said he has insecurities and anxiety a bit, so it is hard for him to participate any hobby group or whatever. Despite visiting therapist and me encouraging him, he always find excuses not to go out by himself (for example "I'd like to go bicycling, but it is too cold outside and I do not like this warm hat I have"). I'm tired of it, so tired. Every day I come home from work (he starts and finishes his job earlier) or my hobby group (two times per week) or from meeting up with me friends (happens on average once-twice per month) - he just lies there on the couch, watching TV. Moreover, I like to do stuff around house as well, like cleaning, improving (small repairs), DIY projects, etc. But he just wants to hang outside or watch TV and talk and talk and talk. He joins my DIY things, but he has no real passion and gets fed up of doing these things pretty quickly, and it feels more like I'm forcing him to do these things. Then he just lies on the couch and waiting for me to finish, so he could start talking again. I do not have s much things to talk about, I'm a bit introverted and I get so tired of his constant need to tell every single thought he has, to comment everything he reads or sees on TV and so on. He tells interesting things, no doubt, and I actually love his knowledge and imagination, but it is just toooo much.
2) He lacks the ability to show real interest in my life, in my past and in my and our life goals. He has basically never asked me any deep questions, he did not even ask questions about me in the beginning to get to know me. I raised the issue, he explained he is afraid of invading persons' privacy when asking questions etc, so I ignored it. But as the time passes it annoys me more and more. He listens and remembers, but whatever I'm telling him, he asks no further questions, he never asks later how something solved or whatever if I do not tell him myself. He has never asked me what I see in our future, how I am generally doing, what are my hopes etc. I have asked him such things and he then tells me long stories but never reciprocates the question. He has improved a bit, as I have raised the issue a few times, regarding small questions, but not much though and for me it actually feels so forced and wrong to force him to do such thing that he clearly doesn't want to or doesn't know how.
3) He is, on the one hand, rather sensitive so it is difficult for me to choose my words sometimes, but on the other hand, he is easily irritated by the smallest things and it really bugs me. He gets sulking and mad and throws out mean comments and swears like when there is not the item in the store that he wanted, the bus is late, someone is too slow in front of him, something goes not the way he planned, someone accidentally pushes him or whatever. Some small random everyday stuff that happens to all of us. I hate it when that happens, because at least 10-15 minutes, sometimes longer, he is not in the mood to be able to talk to him like a normal person. It happens several times a week. I've addressed it, he says it not easy to change his reactions; I asked him to talk to his therapist about it, he said the therapist had no advice regarding his reactions.
So overall, these are the most important flaws. Most of the time, yes he is so good, I find him very loving, caring, sweet, smart, I appreciate his doing chores at home and cooks etc, he likes to go out with me and so on, it is so interessting to go out with him and discover places etc and I truly like these things about him and this is why I fell for him. BUT these negative traits really annoy me so much that I find it difficult to see him in my future.
I broke up with him four months ago, but he made it really hard, it was so heartbreaking, he did not leave the apartment also and said that it takes a few days and am I sure etc. And he promised all kinds of stuff, including going to therapy. So I finally gave in, as I missed the good parts (cause the good parts are soooo good) and I felt so sorry for him - remember, he has no friends, no hobby, he earns a bit less than I do so renting his own apartment puts massive strain on his budget etc. He did get therapy and he has improved a bit, but I feel that my love died and I cannot get it back and these things really annoy me and I am tired of trying to ignore these things or trying to find solutions to these issues. And generally, I feel we just do not click emotionally very well also..
As I tried it once already, I understand how difficult it is to break it off with him. I really feel I just cannot do it.. And I would miss all the good parts and I would feel so sorry for him. Especially that all of his previous girlfriends have dumped him. But continuing it just kills me inside. And it is not fair on him also, because I am not a good girlfriend when I am not in love and happy and proud of him and when I have basically zero respect for him. I try to keep that in mind that he has not had any "flings" or short-term relationships, he has basically gone from one long-term relationship to another (for example, his 5-year relationship ended in the end of July and since 1 September he started dating me; prior to this he had two more 1-2 year-long relationships), thus it should be easy for him to find someone new again. But he can be so emotional that... I do not know how to cope with it.
For me the main issues in the relationship are:
1) He has no social life and no hobbies and this basically puts pressure on me to entertain him and gives me zero opportunities for private alone-time at home, which I so much need. We have discussed the issues prior to moving in and after. He has improved a bit, for example he has mostly stopped his passive-aggressive behaviour towards my activities. He has said he has insecurities and anxiety a bit, so it is hard for him to participate any hobby group or whatever. Despite visiting therapist and me encouraging him, he always find excuses not to go out by himself (for example "I'd like to go bicycling, but it is too cold outside and I do not like this warm hat I have"). I'm tired of it, so tired. Every day I come home from work (he starts and finishes his job earlier) or my hobby group (two times per week) or from meeting up with me friends (happens on average once-twice per month) - he just lies there on the couch, watching TV. Moreover, I like to do stuff around house as well, like cleaning, improving (small repairs), DIY projects, etc. But he just wants to hang outside or watch TV and talk and talk and talk. He joins my DIY things, but he has no real passion and gets fed up of doing these things pretty quickly, and it feels more like I'm forcing him to do these things. Then he just lies on the couch and waiting for me to finish, so he could start talking again. I do not have s much things to talk about, I'm a bit introverted and I get so tired of his constant need to tell every single thought he has, to comment everything he reads or sees on TV and so on. He tells interesting things, no doubt, and I actually love his knowledge and imagination, but it is just toooo much.
2) He lacks the ability to show real interest in my life, in my past and in my and our life goals. He has basically never asked me any deep questions, he did not even ask questions about me in the beginning to get to know me. I raised the issue, he explained he is afraid of invading persons' privacy when asking questions etc, so I ignored it. But as the time passes it annoys me more and more. He listens and remembers, but whatever I'm telling him, he asks no further questions, he never asks later how something solved or whatever if I do not tell him myself. He has never asked me what I see in our future, how I am generally doing, what are my hopes etc. I have asked him such things and he then tells me long stories but never reciprocates the question. He has improved a bit, as I have raised the issue a few times, regarding small questions, but not much though and for me it actually feels so forced and wrong to force him to do such thing that he clearly doesn't want to or doesn't know how.
3) He is, on the one hand, rather sensitive so it is difficult for me to choose my words sometimes, but on the other hand, he is easily irritated by the smallest things and it really bugs me. He gets sulking and mad and throws out mean comments and swears like when there is not the item in the store that he wanted, the bus is late, someone is too slow in front of him, something goes not the way he planned, someone accidentally pushes him or whatever. Some small random everyday stuff that happens to all of us. I hate it when that happens, because at least 10-15 minutes, sometimes longer, he is not in the mood to be able to talk to him like a normal person. It happens several times a week. I've addressed it, he says it not easy to change his reactions; I asked him to talk to his therapist about it, he said the therapist had no advice regarding his reactions.
So overall, these are the most important flaws. Most of the time, yes he is so good, I find him very loving, caring, sweet, smart, I appreciate his doing chores at home and cooks etc, he likes to go out with me and so on, it is so interessting to go out with him and discover places etc and I truly like these things about him and this is why I fell for him. BUT these negative traits really annoy me so much that I find it difficult to see him in my future.
I broke up with him four months ago, but he made it really hard, it was so heartbreaking, he did not leave the apartment also and said that it takes a few days and am I sure etc. And he promised all kinds of stuff, including going to therapy. So I finally gave in, as I missed the good parts (cause the good parts are soooo good) and I felt so sorry for him - remember, he has no friends, no hobby, he earns a bit less than I do so renting his own apartment puts massive strain on his budget etc. He did get therapy and he has improved a bit, but I feel that my love died and I cannot get it back and these things really annoy me and I am tired of trying to ignore these things or trying to find solutions to these issues. And generally, I feel we just do not click emotionally very well also..
As I tried it once already, I understand how difficult it is to break it off with him. I really feel I just cannot do it.. And I would miss all the good parts and I would feel so sorry for him. Especially that all of his previous girlfriends have dumped him. But continuing it just kills me inside. And it is not fair on him also, because I am not a good girlfriend when I am not in love and happy and proud of him and when I have basically zero respect for him. I try to keep that in mind that he has not had any "flings" or short-term relationships, he has basically gone from one long-term relationship to another (for example, his 5-year relationship ended in the end of July and since 1 September he started dating me; prior to this he had two more 1-2 year-long relationships), thus it should be easy for him to find someone new again. But he can be so emotional that... I do not know how to cope with it.
You have no responsibilities to him and need to be true to yourself. Break up and move on
posted by terrapin at 4:19 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by terrapin at 4:19 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
It stood out to me that the good things you mention (loving, caring, sweet, smart, fun to go out with, does some chores around the house) are like the bare minimum to expect from any partner or household pet. Like, yes, it is nice to be in a relationship and have someone to do things with. It is even nicer to be in a relationship with someone you love and respect, and I get the sense that you've long since lost your respect for this guy. It is even EVEN nicer to be in a relationship with someone who loves and respects you, which does not appear to be the case, as he can't be bothered to show interest in your emotions or goals. Dump him and go no contact so he can't pester you until you take him back.
posted by coppermoss at 4:47 AM on May 24, 2019 [17 favorites]
posted by coppermoss at 4:47 AM on May 24, 2019 [17 favorites]
You’ve given this guy enough chances to step up and meet you halfway, and he hasn’t done it. You’re completely entitled to dump this guy, so don’t feel like you need to “prove” that the relationship is bad enough for you. If you say you don’t want to continue the relationship, that’s all the justification you need.
But let’s talk about logistics. This guy is living with you? Is this your apartment, and is he on the lease? You said the last time he refused to leave the apartment because it takes a few days, and okay, it does—so there’s the issue of how to get him to actually LEAVE and how you’ll deal with him in the meantime. Is there someone that you could stay with for a few days so that he doesn’t use that time to try to convince you to let him stay? If you’re susceptible to being emotionally manipulated, it might not be a bad idea to be able to get away after the initial announcement of the break-up so that you don’t have to continually defend your decision.
Alternately, is it possible for YOU to move out? It’s easier to leave than to get someone else to leave, and you could arrange for a new apartment, movers, etc. and then tell him on moving day that it’s over and you’re moving out. That might seem cold, but giving him the opportunity to change your mind hasn’t been a benefit to you.
As for feeling bad for him because he sucks as a boyfriend and can’t keep a relationship going...man, you should feel bad for YOU because you’ve had to tolerate a relationship like this. Not for the guy who promises to change and then doesn’t. Sure, we don’t want to hurt people we care about, but he will get over it, and a little pain now is much better than the disruption it would cause if you stayed in this relationship longer.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:12 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
But let’s talk about logistics. This guy is living with you? Is this your apartment, and is he on the lease? You said the last time he refused to leave the apartment because it takes a few days, and okay, it does—so there’s the issue of how to get him to actually LEAVE and how you’ll deal with him in the meantime. Is there someone that you could stay with for a few days so that he doesn’t use that time to try to convince you to let him stay? If you’re susceptible to being emotionally manipulated, it might not be a bad idea to be able to get away after the initial announcement of the break-up so that you don’t have to continually defend your decision.
Alternately, is it possible for YOU to move out? It’s easier to leave than to get someone else to leave, and you could arrange for a new apartment, movers, etc. and then tell him on moving day that it’s over and you’re moving out. That might seem cold, but giving him the opportunity to change your mind hasn’t been a benefit to you.
As for feeling bad for him because he sucks as a boyfriend and can’t keep a relationship going...man, you should feel bad for YOU because you’ve had to tolerate a relationship like this. Not for the guy who promises to change and then doesn’t. Sure, we don’t want to hurt people we care about, but he will get over it, and a little pain now is much better than the disruption it would cause if you stayed in this relationship longer.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:12 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
Deal with the guilt by:
Keeping in mind that he is an adult, and should have coping mechanisms to handle it.
Noticing that he is pretty boring and needs to develop a life for himself; maybe he'll be more likely to do that on his own
Remembering that you did not sign up to be his caregiver or provider; you can feel empathy for him having a tough time emotionally and financially post- breakup without making it YOUR fault/ problem.
Acknowledging that sooner is better than later, and you DEFINITELY aren't going to spend the rest of your life with him.
Recognizing that taking care of what YOU want your life to be should be your priority and not something to feel guilty about.
posted by metasarah at 5:15 AM on May 24, 2019 [8 favorites]
Keeping in mind that he is an adult, and should have coping mechanisms to handle it.
Noticing that he is pretty boring and needs to develop a life for himself; maybe he'll be more likely to do that on his own
Remembering that you did not sign up to be his caregiver or provider; you can feel empathy for him having a tough time emotionally and financially post- breakup without making it YOUR fault/ problem.
Acknowledging that sooner is better than later, and you DEFINITELY aren't going to spend the rest of your life with him.
Recognizing that taking care of what YOU want your life to be should be your priority and not something to feel guilty about.
posted by metasarah at 5:15 AM on May 24, 2019 [8 favorites]
If it's a resource that's available to you, I'd seriously consider seeking out a therapist for support and for help coping with your feelings of guilt. I say this as someone who has a really hard time doing anything at all that will make other people sad or angry - but I can assure you that it *can* be done and you'll feel a lot better when it's over.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 5:31 AM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 5:31 AM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone so much! Reading your comments and support is really great. I think seeking therapy is great idea, in fact I already put the search in Google and will try to find someone asap.
Regarding our living situation, it is the most difficult part for me. I own the apartment (mortgage), so he would have to move out definitely. But yes, I have friends-family where to go temporarily, for example to my mom's where I also have two of my best friends living and it is 5-hour drive away so conveniently far away. I have even thought about it, because indeed, I am afraid he sucks me in playing on my emotions again. But it again feels so cruel.. to just leave him sort himself out all by himself. But yes - I understand, he is a grown man and should be perfectly capable of doing it. At the same time.. the last time he asked me to help him to scroll through available apartments and which would be the best option meeting his needs and budget. And he, of course, started first showing me the cheapest, the most horrible apartments (like kitchen-sized apartment without toilet in it), knowing perfectly that he could absolutely do better (e.g. seek out more expensive with better conditions) and these kind of apartments would never meet his nor mine criteria. So kind of manipulative behaviour...
He has delivered bits and pieces of the changes he promised 4 months ago during the break up. Like seeking therapy and ditching the passive-aggressive behaviour. And I do get that changes take time. But it all had died in me prior to the break up and I now feel that he forced me to continue the relationship (Saying, for example, something like that: "It is nor fair that you decide that we break up, I want to prove to you that I can change and that we can work it out, I want to have to opportunity to decide as well, I will do what is needed and then we can decide whether we suit each other or not") and that creates resentment and difficulties to acknowledge the changes. I made a mistake by continuing the relationship, and I have to own the mistake. I guess this is why I feel most of the guilt - I gave another chance to him and it seems that he is trying, but I am tired of it, there is no love left and he basically makes an effort for nothing, and the effort is not big enough for me.
Sorry, I'm still too emotional today, so I still vent about my issue. But yes, your comments help me a lot. I read them again and think about these, they all make valid points and really talk sense into me. Writing it all out here also helps. And seeking out therapy, this is also what I will do, thank you for the suggestion. And the recipe for dealing with guilt by *metasarah* seems so reasonable! I really have to stick it in my brain somehow and read it to myself constantly! :)
posted by Engelk at 6:07 AM on May 24, 2019
Regarding our living situation, it is the most difficult part for me. I own the apartment (mortgage), so he would have to move out definitely. But yes, I have friends-family where to go temporarily, for example to my mom's where I also have two of my best friends living and it is 5-hour drive away so conveniently far away. I have even thought about it, because indeed, I am afraid he sucks me in playing on my emotions again. But it again feels so cruel.. to just leave him sort himself out all by himself. But yes - I understand, he is a grown man and should be perfectly capable of doing it. At the same time.. the last time he asked me to help him to scroll through available apartments and which would be the best option meeting his needs and budget. And he, of course, started first showing me the cheapest, the most horrible apartments (like kitchen-sized apartment without toilet in it), knowing perfectly that he could absolutely do better (e.g. seek out more expensive with better conditions) and these kind of apartments would never meet his nor mine criteria. So kind of manipulative behaviour...
He has delivered bits and pieces of the changes he promised 4 months ago during the break up. Like seeking therapy and ditching the passive-aggressive behaviour. And I do get that changes take time. But it all had died in me prior to the break up and I now feel that he forced me to continue the relationship (Saying, for example, something like that: "It is nor fair that you decide that we break up, I want to prove to you that I can change and that we can work it out, I want to have to opportunity to decide as well, I will do what is needed and then we can decide whether we suit each other or not") and that creates resentment and difficulties to acknowledge the changes. I made a mistake by continuing the relationship, and I have to own the mistake. I guess this is why I feel most of the guilt - I gave another chance to him and it seems that he is trying, but I am tired of it, there is no love left and he basically makes an effort for nothing, and the effort is not big enough for me.
Sorry, I'm still too emotional today, so I still vent about my issue. But yes, your comments help me a lot. I read them again and think about these, they all make valid points and really talk sense into me. Writing it all out here also helps. And seeking out therapy, this is also what I will do, thank you for the suggestion. And the recipe for dealing with guilt by *metasarah* seems so reasonable! I really have to stick it in my brain somehow and read it to myself constantly! :)
posted by Engelk at 6:07 AM on May 24, 2019
If I were your boyfriend, I'd feel... honestly...very confused.
You are introverted, but his introversion annoys you and you want him to improve.
You are annoyed and irritated by everything he says and does, especially that he also gets annoyed and irritated at things?
You enjoy his imaginative informative way of answering to conversation, and you yourself have an imaginative informative way of asking questions, but you are annoyed that he cant do both while you do neither.
You say you love going out with him, doing things with him and having him join you in your things, but you find this suffocating and are annoyed he doesn't do these things alone.
You find him and the places he takes you interesting, but are annoyed at how boring he is.
Look.
It's ok to break up with someone because you don't like their personality. And it sounds like you really should here.
But it's not ok to want someone to go to therapy to change... your own confused annoyance that you both love and dislike the same things about him at the same time.
It sounds like you could also benefit from therapy.
posted by OnefortheLast at 6:15 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
You are introverted, but his introversion annoys you and you want him to improve.
You are annoyed and irritated by everything he says and does, especially that he also gets annoyed and irritated at things?
You enjoy his imaginative informative way of answering to conversation, and you yourself have an imaginative informative way of asking questions, but you are annoyed that he cant do both while you do neither.
You say you love going out with him, doing things with him and having him join you in your things, but you find this suffocating and are annoyed he doesn't do these things alone.
You find him and the places he takes you interesting, but are annoyed at how boring he is.
Look.
It's ok to break up with someone because you don't like their personality. And it sounds like you really should here.
But it's not ok to want someone to go to therapy to change... your own confused annoyance that you both love and dislike the same things about him at the same time.
It sounds like you could also benefit from therapy.
posted by OnefortheLast at 6:15 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
You say that he "lacks the ability to show real interest in my life" - I think this is very telling. Your relationship is centered around his needs and desires rather than your shared happiness, so much so that you're instinctively prioritizing his comfort over your own.
It's okay to be sad, but this guy has not been a good partner to you, and it sounds like there is literally no universe in which you can be a good partner to him. If he grows from this experience, that's great for him. It doesn't mean you have to stay.
Re: logistics, I think leaving for a while and asking him to sort out his living situation in the meantime would be a kind way to handle it. Frankly if you've already tried to break up with him once, he has no excuse for being caught unprepared.
posted by toastedcheese at 6:51 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
It's okay to be sad, but this guy has not been a good partner to you, and it sounds like there is literally no universe in which you can be a good partner to him. If he grows from this experience, that's great for him. It doesn't mean you have to stay.
Re: logistics, I think leaving for a while and asking him to sort out his living situation in the meantime would be a kind way to handle it. Frankly if you've already tried to break up with him once, he has no excuse for being caught unprepared.
posted by toastedcheese at 6:51 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I guess it could read out the way you, OnefortheLast, described it, although not entirely true, because it it is difficult to describe the everyday life and situations here. But I get your point and I actually feel that it is somewhat as confusing in real life as you described here. And not only to him, but also to me regarding his actions. And this is perfectly the reason why I must acknowledge that the relationship is not working. I tried to break it, but he insisted we should keep trying etc. It was my fault and weakness to give in and try again and then expect so much from him and still not feel OK with him.
Regarding the loving and hating the same things about him at the same time - it's all about balance. I love to talk and discuss things with him, but not 4 hours each night, for example. I like to talk about news, articles and TV and stuff like that, but not all the time (this is mostly what he talks about). I like to go out and discover new places with him, but not on both Saturday and Sunday each weekend. I like to have a vacation with him, but not all four weeks each year with only him (I'd like to, for example, spend some of it with my mother, who I do not see often, but he then feels left out and me abandoning him). And yes, I'd like some alone-time at home also, while he could go and do, for example, some excercise which he has several times said he should and need to do, because he wants to become healthy and lose weight. Instead, he stays in, lying on couch and saying how he should go bicycling but it's cold outside and he will get an headache and "I will not put something on my head that looks ridiculous".
Btw, his therapy was his idea. I never forced him to do something like that. He claimed he wants to change and not for me but for him and he has long thought about it, and now the break up was the "kick in the a**" to do it. He said he always felt he is insecure and anxious, procrastinator etc and that he needs to do something about it. I try to be understanding and encourage him, I do not force him. I am not being such an emotional wreck infront of him, I am just venting all my thoughts and issues here freely.
posted by Engelk at 6:59 AM on May 24, 2019
Regarding the loving and hating the same things about him at the same time - it's all about balance. I love to talk and discuss things with him, but not 4 hours each night, for example. I like to talk about news, articles and TV and stuff like that, but not all the time (this is mostly what he talks about). I like to go out and discover new places with him, but not on both Saturday and Sunday each weekend. I like to have a vacation with him, but not all four weeks each year with only him (I'd like to, for example, spend some of it with my mother, who I do not see often, but he then feels left out and me abandoning him). And yes, I'd like some alone-time at home also, while he could go and do, for example, some excercise which he has several times said he should and need to do, because he wants to become healthy and lose weight. Instead, he stays in, lying on couch and saying how he should go bicycling but it's cold outside and he will get an headache and "I will not put something on my head that looks ridiculous".
Btw, his therapy was his idea. I never forced him to do something like that. He claimed he wants to change and not for me but for him and he has long thought about it, and now the break up was the "kick in the a**" to do it. He said he always felt he is insecure and anxious, procrastinator etc and that he needs to do something about it. I try to be understanding and encourage him, I do not force him. I am not being such an emotional wreck infront of him, I am just venting all my thoughts and issues here freely.
posted by Engelk at 6:59 AM on May 24, 2019
I don't find this confusing at all. It makes perfect sense to me that a person can have good qualities that start to grate when the overall dynamic is out of whack. He is an introvert with a very intense internal focus - I get this, I am like this, but I am also very happy to take myself out and about and explore the world on my own. I don't need my partner to manage my processing for me. I also prefer very intense one-on-one conversation to general chit-chat butI don't expect my personal perspective to take precedence when discussing things and I like to check in, ask questions and follow up. I do feel though that this is very much a female-socialised variant of introversion. The men I've met who are as introverted as me are much more like your boyfriend - essentially expecting other people in their lives to run interference. They can be very entertaining in parts, and that degree of focus is often enormously flattering, but it can quickly get tiresome.
You like him, so you try to see the good side, but you are essentially suffocated by his need for you to be his sole conduit to the outside. This is not good. You will not fix this. He may learn in time, but he also may not and it's ok to say you tried but you're done.
On a practical basis moving out sounds good but I don't get how that will help - what is there to stop him staying after you get back? You might need to think about setting a deadline sticking to it. Presumably he lived elsewhere before the two of you moved together? In which case he knows how to do this stuff - do not be his support here. Does he have a family member who can help him find a place?
On the guilt front, you will be amazed how quickly that will fade once you start drawing a line under this. That feeling is not guilt, it's unease at being cast as the villain when you know that's not the case. Women are expected to smooth things over and make things easy - but this is your house and your life and it's ok to want something else. Go for it.
posted by freya_lamb at 7:01 AM on May 24, 2019 [15 favorites]
You like him, so you try to see the good side, but you are essentially suffocated by his need for you to be his sole conduit to the outside. This is not good. You will not fix this. He may learn in time, but he also may not and it's ok to say you tried but you're done.
On a practical basis moving out sounds good but I don't get how that will help - what is there to stop him staying after you get back? You might need to think about setting a deadline sticking to it. Presumably he lived elsewhere before the two of you moved together? In which case he knows how to do this stuff - do not be his support here. Does he have a family member who can help him find a place?
On the guilt front, you will be amazed how quickly that will fade once you start drawing a line under this. That feeling is not guilt, it's unease at being cast as the villain when you know that's not the case. Women are expected to smooth things over and make things easy - but this is your house and your life and it's ok to want something else. Go for it.
posted by freya_lamb at 7:01 AM on May 24, 2019 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: But yes, I understand - the whole situation is not healthy and must be ended. For his sake as well as mine. Thanks again for your opinions. I managed to book a therapy session, but it is in June. A couple of weeks to wait. Meanwhile I try to gather my strenght and perhaps I can end it before the therapy.
Thanks freya_lamb, you described me rather correctly. I could have not worded it better.
I think about the moving out thing, how it would be best organised. Yes, he has family members where he could go. I just have to be strong and this time basically force him to go.
posted by Engelk at 7:03 AM on May 24, 2019
Thanks freya_lamb, you described me rather correctly. I could have not worded it better.
I think about the moving out thing, how it would be best organised. Yes, he has family members where he could go. I just have to be strong and this time basically force him to go.
posted by Engelk at 7:03 AM on May 24, 2019
If you own the apartment, don't leave -- he might take out his anger on the apartment when you do, and then you still have to come back. Give him a deadline to be out. And then hold him to it. If he can't manage to find a place in that time, it is not your problem. Put yourself and your wants first, and hold on to that tightly.
I was in a similar situation, and after just pulling the metaphorical band-aid off, life got so much better. You can do this. Good luck!
posted by Fig at 7:18 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
I was in a similar situation, and after just pulling the metaphorical band-aid off, life got so much better. You can do this. Good luck!
posted by Fig at 7:18 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
I’m going to ask you a simple question. You are 29, so will probably live another 50-60 years. Could you live the next 60 years like this? If not, why live even one more day?
People who are not willing to address their own issues are emotional leeches. I was married to one for 16 years. I am 1000x happier since leaving him. And my ex, who threatened suicide and “fell apart” when we split, is now happily remarried, has a much better job, and finally got his anxiety under control.
You have so much life ahead of you. Go live it! He will be fine. You can do this!
posted by yawper at 7:27 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
People who are not willing to address their own issues are emotional leeches. I was married to one for 16 years. I am 1000x happier since leaving him. And my ex, who threatened suicide and “fell apart” when we split, is now happily remarried, has a much better job, and finally got his anxiety under control.
You have so much life ahead of you. Go live it! He will be fine. You can do this!
posted by yawper at 7:27 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
"This relationship doesn't make me more happy than not being in this relationship at the moment," is all the reason you need to break up. It doesn't matter if he's objectively a bad partner. (Though, he may be.) It doesn't matter if you imagined or promised a life-long partnership. (Nearly everyone does; most of them are divorced now.) "I'd be happier not spending time with you" is all the reason you need. The world is full of incredibly nice, gentle, loving people who are boring and will ruin your life if you let them. It's not their fault. But, it's not your problem.
Being in a relationship with someone you actually respect is fantastic. You deserve that experience.
posted by eotvos at 7:29 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
Being in a relationship with someone you actually respect is fantastic. You deserve that experience.
posted by eotvos at 7:29 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
But it again feels so cruel.. to just leave him sort himself out all by himself.
Why is it cruel? If the positions were reversed, you would be capable of sorting yourself out a new apartment.
the last time he asked me to help him to scroll through available apartments and which would be the best option meeting his needs and budget. And he, of course, started first showing me the cheapest, the most horrible apartments
He is the person that needs to live in the new apartment he finds. If he wants to live in a horrible apartment even though he could afford something better let him. It's not a place that you are going to spending any time at all, so it doesn't matter what you think of it.
posted by plonkee at 7:31 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
Why is it cruel? If the positions were reversed, you would be capable of sorting yourself out a new apartment.
the last time he asked me to help him to scroll through available apartments and which would be the best option meeting his needs and budget. And he, of course, started first showing me the cheapest, the most horrible apartments
He is the person that needs to live in the new apartment he finds. If he wants to live in a horrible apartment even though he could afford something better let him. It's not a place that you are going to spending any time at all, so it doesn't matter what you think of it.
posted by plonkee at 7:31 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
I have dated this guy. No. You are not his mom. You are not his mom and you can’t keep being his mom for sixty years. What does he actually bring to the table other than bare minimum?
posted by corb at 8:15 AM on May 24, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by corb at 8:15 AM on May 24, 2019 [7 favorites]
And he, of course, started first showing me the cheapest, the most horrible apartments (like kitchen-sized apartment without toilet in it), knowing perfectly that he could absolutely do better (e.g. seek out more expensive with better conditions) and these kind of apartments would never meet his nor mine criteria. So kind of manipulative behaviour...
It's definitely manipulative. He's showing you, "this is how I'm going to live once you break up with me, is that what you want? This is what you're doing to me" You're doing nothing to him. He's making his own choices. Once you break up, he's not your responsibility anymore. He's on his own, as he should be, and that will give him a kick in the butt he needs, or he'll immediately find someone to be in another relationship with. It doesn't matter; it's not your concern; you and your life are your first priorities.
"It is nor fair that you decide that we break up, I want to prove to you that I can change and that we can work it out, I want to have to opportunity to decide as well, I will do what is needed and then we can decide whether we suit each other or not") and that creates resentment and difficulties to acknowledge the changes. I made a mistake by continuing the relationship, and I have to own the mistake. I guess this is why I feel most of the guilt - I gave another chance to him and it seems that he is trying, but I am tired of it, there is no love left and he basically makes an effort for nothing, and the effort is not big enough for me.
And yet if HE wanted to break up with YOU and you said to him "it's not fair that you decide that we break up" I bet he'd still break up with you. You don't need his permission to break up. You can say to him, "I'm breaking up with you" and you're broken up. Whether he accepts it or not is another question. And why does he want to stay with someone that doesn't love him and wants to break up with him? (Because he gets to live in your house and have you take care of him while he does that.)
He said himself "we can decide whether we suit each other or not" and you've decided that you don't suit each other. It'd be wacky for him to say "actually we do" right after you say that because isn't that more evidence that you don't suit each other? Either way, do NOT get drawn into a debate about whether to break up or not, or if you suit each other or not, you get to decide what you want in your life, and you know it's not him.
And please don't beat yourself up about making the mistake about continuing. We all make mistakes. It doesn't mean you have to suffer through this relationship for another minute. You gave it an honest try, you know it's not working, the right thing to do is end it. It's ok if you realize your partner is not compatible with you. It happens all the time!
So I would give him a deadline to move out of your place. In the meantime, you may want to look up eviction proceedings in your area, just in case. If he keeps whining about having no place to go, say, "I'm sure you'll figure it out. Just a reminder, your move out date is [x]." Yeah it's harsh, but you gotta do what you have to to reclaim your life.
posted by foxjacket at 8:24 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
It's definitely manipulative. He's showing you, "this is how I'm going to live once you break up with me, is that what you want? This is what you're doing to me" You're doing nothing to him. He's making his own choices. Once you break up, he's not your responsibility anymore. He's on his own, as he should be, and that will give him a kick in the butt he needs, or he'll immediately find someone to be in another relationship with. It doesn't matter; it's not your concern; you and your life are your first priorities.
"It is nor fair that you decide that we break up, I want to prove to you that I can change and that we can work it out, I want to have to opportunity to decide as well, I will do what is needed and then we can decide whether we suit each other or not") and that creates resentment and difficulties to acknowledge the changes. I made a mistake by continuing the relationship, and I have to own the mistake. I guess this is why I feel most of the guilt - I gave another chance to him and it seems that he is trying, but I am tired of it, there is no love left and he basically makes an effort for nothing, and the effort is not big enough for me.
And yet if HE wanted to break up with YOU and you said to him "it's not fair that you decide that we break up" I bet he'd still break up with you. You don't need his permission to break up. You can say to him, "I'm breaking up with you" and you're broken up. Whether he accepts it or not is another question. And why does he want to stay with someone that doesn't love him and wants to break up with him? (Because he gets to live in your house and have you take care of him while he does that.)
He said himself "we can decide whether we suit each other or not" and you've decided that you don't suit each other. It'd be wacky for him to say "actually we do" right after you say that because isn't that more evidence that you don't suit each other? Either way, do NOT get drawn into a debate about whether to break up or not, or if you suit each other or not, you get to decide what you want in your life, and you know it's not him.
And please don't beat yourself up about making the mistake about continuing. We all make mistakes. It doesn't mean you have to suffer through this relationship for another minute. You gave it an honest try, you know it's not working, the right thing to do is end it. It's ok if you realize your partner is not compatible with you. It happens all the time!
So I would give him a deadline to move out of your place. In the meantime, you may want to look up eviction proceedings in your area, just in case. If he keeps whining about having no place to go, say, "I'm sure you'll figure it out. Just a reminder, your move out date is [x]." Yeah it's harsh, but you gotta do what you have to to reclaim your life.
posted by foxjacket at 8:24 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
I know how hard it is to break up in a situation like this. It sucks for everyone involved but must be done: the short-term challenges are worth the long-term gains for both of you.
It is your home so you should be the one to stay. Tell him it's over, and he needs to find his own place. You could give him till the end of the week if he has people to stay with or two weeks if you're generous. I had an ex who was living with me, whom I unsuccessfully tried to break up with multiple times, but I finally did it with the support of family and friends. You know what? Someone gave him a fancy car literally the day after we broke up, he immediately had multiple places to live, etc.
This guy has options: even in a happy relationship, people should be able and willing to find alternate housing, emotional support, etc. You've gotten into a dynamic where he leans on you too much but it's time to change it. I know he has positives, too, but your feelings and needs and wants are valid and important. You can do this!!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:25 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
It is your home so you should be the one to stay. Tell him it's over, and he needs to find his own place. You could give him till the end of the week if he has people to stay with or two weeks if you're generous. I had an ex who was living with me, whom I unsuccessfully tried to break up with multiple times, but I finally did it with the support of family and friends. You know what? Someone gave him a fancy car literally the day after we broke up, he immediately had multiple places to live, etc.
This guy has options: even in a happy relationship, people should be able and willing to find alternate housing, emotional support, etc. You've gotten into a dynamic where he leans on you too much but it's time to change it. I know he has positives, too, but your feelings and needs and wants are valid and important. You can do this!!!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:25 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
You don't need to justify to anyone, certainly strangers on Metafilter, why you want to break up. You want out for YOUR reasons.
It's your apartment. Go stay with friends/family for two weeks while he sorts it out. Take pictures of everything before you leave for proof in case he decides to damage things. Write emails to trusted friends explaining that you are vacating for two weeks until he packs and leaves so there is a date stamp on some proof that you left him alone. Send him text messages to the same so there is dated proof that you are leaving him alone to pack and leave. As advised above, no contact other than logisitics (is this my blender or yours?). He was emotionally manipulating you by showing you garbage apartments that he could do better than (poor me, look what you've done to me, I have to live like this now).
Let him know he has two weeks to get out. Where he goes is not your concern but he can't stay there. Let him know that if he's still there when you get back it will be considered trespassing (not sure where you are or what the law would actually support but he has no legal claim to the apartment that I can see from what you describe) and you will move forward with whatever authorities will help you get him out.
The most important and hardest part is you have to follow through on your conditions.
posted by archimago at 8:58 AM on May 24, 2019
It's your apartment. Go stay with friends/family for two weeks while he sorts it out. Take pictures of everything before you leave for proof in case he decides to damage things. Write emails to trusted friends explaining that you are vacating for two weeks until he packs and leaves so there is a date stamp on some proof that you left him alone. Send him text messages to the same so there is dated proof that you are leaving him alone to pack and leave. As advised above, no contact other than logisitics (is this my blender or yours?). He was emotionally manipulating you by showing you garbage apartments that he could do better than (poor me, look what you've done to me, I have to live like this now).
Let him know he has two weeks to get out. Where he goes is not your concern but he can't stay there. Let him know that if he's still there when you get back it will be considered trespassing (not sure where you are or what the law would actually support but he has no legal claim to the apartment that I can see from what you describe) and you will move forward with whatever authorities will help you get him out.
The most important and hardest part is you have to follow through on your conditions.
posted by archimago at 8:58 AM on May 24, 2019
I guess it could read out the way you, OnefortheLast, described it, although not entirely true, because it it is difficult to describe the everyday life and situations here. But I get your point and I actually feel that it is somewhat as confusing in real life as you described here
It sounds like maybe it's confusing because you just plain don't really like or respect the guy. But maybe you're not liking and respecting yourself enough to think that's reason and valid enough to leave. (but it is!) So at first read, it kinda looks like nit picking or micro managing, or trying to change his personality. But I think you're ultimately just trying to find enough of what you feel are More Valid Reasons to give weight to justify your feelings and wanting to break up. If you don't like him, then that's enough. If you don't respect him, them that's enough. If you feel suffocated, irritated, annoyed and unhappy in this relationship, then that's enough. It really is. His emotional manipulation is going to make you feel bad and gross, no matter which way you handle breaking up, so try to make a plan that gets you out of each other's living space together asap so you don't get sucked back in again.
posted by OnefortheLast at 9:09 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds like maybe it's confusing because you just plain don't really like or respect the guy. But maybe you're not liking and respecting yourself enough to think that's reason and valid enough to leave. (but it is!) So at first read, it kinda looks like nit picking or micro managing, or trying to change his personality. But I think you're ultimately just trying to find enough of what you feel are More Valid Reasons to give weight to justify your feelings and wanting to break up. If you don't like him, then that's enough. If you don't respect him, them that's enough. If you feel suffocated, irritated, annoyed and unhappy in this relationship, then that's enough. It really is. His emotional manipulation is going to make you feel bad and gross, no matter which way you handle breaking up, so try to make a plan that gets you out of each other's living space together asap so you don't get sucked back in again.
posted by OnefortheLast at 9:09 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
According to Al-Anon, the fellowship for friends and family members of alcoholics, it is misguided and cruel to do for other people what they could do for themselves. That is because suggests to the other person that that person is incapable of taking care of themselves. It also helps create an unhealthy reliance on you and robs the other person of opportunities to become healthier emotionally by learning to be more responsible for themselves. This is true even if the other person wants to rely on you. That person’s desire to be dependent on you does not make it healthy for either one of you. I understand feeling guilty about breaking up, but you are not doing your partner any favors by continuing to be with this person out of pity. Your partner will never find a true love as long as the two of you are together.
It is really challenging to make uncomfortable decisions that make other people unhappy or angry or sad. Even when these are decisions that you need to make for your own good. In this particular case, making this decision will actually be the best decision for both of you even if your partner cannot appreciate that. Pity is a terrible reason to stay with your partner.
Consider asking your friends to come and stay with you in your place instead of going to them, so that your partner understands that you are truly serious and that your partner must find another place to live. Breaking up sucks but later it feels great. It feels great to be free from the misery of living with someone who is simply a bad fit.
Your partner does not have to be a villain or a victim and neither do you. The two of you can simply be a couple who used to be a good fit and are no longer a good fit. Your narrative does not have to be filled with drama. You can simply tell your partner that the relationship no longer works for you. You don’t owe anyone a lengthy or emotional explanation. You can simply say it just doesn’t work for you anymore. Repeat that as needed. See a therapist if you think that would help. Good luck in building more of the life you want!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:10 AM on May 24, 2019 [10 favorites]
It is really challenging to make uncomfortable decisions that make other people unhappy or angry or sad. Even when these are decisions that you need to make for your own good. In this particular case, making this decision will actually be the best decision for both of you even if your partner cannot appreciate that. Pity is a terrible reason to stay with your partner.
Consider asking your friends to come and stay with you in your place instead of going to them, so that your partner understands that you are truly serious and that your partner must find another place to live. Breaking up sucks but later it feels great. It feels great to be free from the misery of living with someone who is simply a bad fit.
Your partner does not have to be a villain or a victim and neither do you. The two of you can simply be a couple who used to be a good fit and are no longer a good fit. Your narrative does not have to be filled with drama. You can simply tell your partner that the relationship no longer works for you. You don’t owe anyone a lengthy or emotional explanation. You can simply say it just doesn’t work for you anymore. Repeat that as needed. See a therapist if you think that would help. Good luck in building more of the life you want!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:10 AM on May 24, 2019 [10 favorites]
Yes, please do not wait until your therapy appt to end it.
As a matter or fact, you should tell him tonight so he take tomorrow or the weekend to be sad and then you can help him pack. You should be out of the house at night. But come back during the day to pack, talk, whatever, but be firm that it is happening.
Youre looking at June 1 coming up. I don't know how renting works in your area but most hot markets are seeing new tenants now.
If he doesn't get a move on and make other arrangements (he wont, he's a procrastinator) if he misses June 1 he might have to wait till June 15. That means YOU have to deal with this till June 15. Or July 1. Not good.
Do you think you can successfully pry him off your sofa and have him go stay with someone ? If so you should tell him asap because its a kindness. He's got a lot to do in the next month and he better get started.
Therapy for you should be about processing your feelings of guilt and preventing relapse. It should be separate from this because you know what you want and you might as well do it.
Good luck!
posted by perdhapley at 9:28 AM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
As a matter or fact, you should tell him tonight so he take tomorrow or the weekend to be sad and then you can help him pack. You should be out of the house at night. But come back during the day to pack, talk, whatever, but be firm that it is happening.
Youre looking at June 1 coming up. I don't know how renting works in your area but most hot markets are seeing new tenants now.
If he doesn't get a move on and make other arrangements (he wont, he's a procrastinator) if he misses June 1 he might have to wait till June 15. That means YOU have to deal with this till June 15. Or July 1. Not good.
Do you think you can successfully pry him off your sofa and have him go stay with someone ? If so you should tell him asap because its a kindness. He's got a lot to do in the next month and he better get started.
Therapy for you should be about processing your feelings of guilt and preventing relapse. It should be separate from this because you know what you want and you might as well do it.
Good luck!
posted by perdhapley at 9:28 AM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think about the moving out thing, how it would be best organised. Yes, he has family members where he could go. I just have to be strong and this time basically force him to go.
Do you have a friend (or two) or a family member you could task to come over and make clear to him that he has to go? Someone who's a hardass? It sounds like he's the kind of guy who will drag his feet and whine and pontificate on woe-is-me type stuff and just make this as hard as possible on you, rather than acting like a grown-up and packing up and moving out.
This relationship sounds soul-sucking and I think you need to get out asap. You've been wanting out for a while. This will not be shocking to him, seeing how you've tried to break up once before. And for the record, breakups do not have to be mutual. That is some grade-A manipulative garbage on his part.
posted by purple_bird at 9:46 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
Do you have a friend (or two) or a family member you could task to come over and make clear to him that he has to go? Someone who's a hardass? It sounds like he's the kind of guy who will drag his feet and whine and pontificate on woe-is-me type stuff and just make this as hard as possible on you, rather than acting like a grown-up and packing up and moving out.
This relationship sounds soul-sucking and I think you need to get out asap. You've been wanting out for a while. This will not be shocking to him, seeing how you've tried to break up once before. And for the record, breakups do not have to be mutual. That is some grade-A manipulative garbage on his part.
posted by purple_bird at 9:46 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
One more thing: after breaking up with him you can absolutely tell a friend or family member of his that he needs extra support right because you have broken up.
That support may help him move on. It will be reality. Don't get caught up in his feelings, and as insightfully posted above, learned helplessness.
posted by perdhapley at 9:58 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
That support may help him move on. It will be reality. Don't get caught up in his feelings, and as insightfully posted above, learned helplessness.
posted by perdhapley at 9:58 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
On a practical note: You absolutely should not move out of an apartment you own, even temporarily. If one of you is going to leave, it needs to be him.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 10:37 AM on May 24, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 10:37 AM on May 24, 2019 [10 favorites]
As Cheryl Strayed says: "Go, because wanting to leave is enough." You only have one life.
Guilt is inevitable, but it won't last as long as you think it will.
posted by gold bridges at 10:59 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
Guilt is inevitable, but it won't last as long as you think it will.
posted by gold bridges at 10:59 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
You can't be in a relationship solely to not upset the other person. Yes, the two of you have things together that you like, but at 29, after two years, to have so many (valid) things that you dislike, that are incompatibilities, is a waste of life and opportunities.
He sounds exhausting. I like to talk -- I talk a lot -- I could probably talk for four hours. But not to the exclusion of other things, and not when the other person has shown a disinterest in that much talking. But the key (in your update) is that he resents that you don't want to spend all your vacation time with him -- that he resents you taking a week with your mother without him.
Pretend you weren't in a relationship with him already. Would you want to start a relationship with someone who doesn't show keen interest in your life? (The "privacy" thing ceased to be an excuse the minute you told him how you felt about that.) Being willing to listen and able to remember things about your life isn't a net positive; it's the bare requirement for a relationship.
The fact that you are not proud to be with him is a huge, blinking light for me. Somewhere, out there, are people with few aspirations, who are fine with making excuses about why they can't do the things they say they want to do and should do. There are people fine with talking and never doing. There are people who don't need someone to show that much interest in their lives. LET HIM DATE SOME OF THEM.
Your irritation with him is earned; his swearing and stomping around when a bus is late or a store is out of stock is not. You don't need internet permission to break up with him, but I'm giving you permission to do that. You've told him what you need in a partner and he hasn't stepped up. It's not punishment for you to move on with your life. Don't abandon your home or property. Give him a reasonable amount of time to get his financial house in order and move on, but encourage him to stay with a family member or friend; the situation won't get better unless you get out. Please don't be the person still suffering with this a year or 3 years from now.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:24 PM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
He sounds exhausting. I like to talk -- I talk a lot -- I could probably talk for four hours. But not to the exclusion of other things, and not when the other person has shown a disinterest in that much talking. But the key (in your update) is that he resents that you don't want to spend all your vacation time with him -- that he resents you taking a week with your mother without him.
Pretend you weren't in a relationship with him already. Would you want to start a relationship with someone who doesn't show keen interest in your life? (The "privacy" thing ceased to be an excuse the minute you told him how you felt about that.) Being willing to listen and able to remember things about your life isn't a net positive; it's the bare requirement for a relationship.
The fact that you are not proud to be with him is a huge, blinking light for me. Somewhere, out there, are people with few aspirations, who are fine with making excuses about why they can't do the things they say they want to do and should do. There are people fine with talking and never doing. There are people who don't need someone to show that much interest in their lives. LET HIM DATE SOME OF THEM.
Your irritation with him is earned; his swearing and stomping around when a bus is late or a store is out of stock is not. You don't need internet permission to break up with him, but I'm giving you permission to do that. You've told him what you need in a partner and he hasn't stepped up. It's not punishment for you to move on with your life. Don't abandon your home or property. Give him a reasonable amount of time to get his financial house in order and move on, but encourage him to stay with a family member or friend; the situation won't get better unless you get out. Please don't be the person still suffering with this a year or 3 years from now.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:24 PM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
I made a mistake by continuing the relationship, and I have to own the mistake.
Umm...what?? That is not how it works. I'm glad you're looking into therapy, because I think it will be an overall useful tool to help you sort through this guilt and the root of it. But please do not feel like you have to punish yourself because you agreed to continue. You can break up for any reason, and trust me, you are NOT doing him any favors by sticking with him. Honestly it would probably do both of you a world of good to not be together. It sounds like you don't like/respect him at all.
posted by sprezzy at 3:00 PM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
Umm...what?? That is not how it works. I'm glad you're looking into therapy, because I think it will be an overall useful tool to help you sort through this guilt and the root of it. But please do not feel like you have to punish yourself because you agreed to continue. You can break up for any reason, and trust me, you are NOT doing him any favors by sticking with him. Honestly it would probably do both of you a world of good to not be together. It sounds like you don't like/respect him at all.
posted by sprezzy at 3:00 PM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
"kinda manipulative" to show you the crappy apartment? He's very manipulative! I mean, here you are fully aware that this relationship is wrong yet you're struggling with the guilt of how much you'll make him suffer. That is no reason to stay!!!
This is exactly how emotional abusers get their partners to stay. Make them feel like all the abusers' suffering is due to some fault of the ones being abused. Actually, physical abusers do the same. His suffering or unhappiness is due to his own decisions, not yours. Plus, claiming you have no right to decide whether to end a relationship is downright demeaning and absurd. There's a good chance this man thinks he has you wrapped around his fingers if he believes you fell for that line. You have agency. You have choices. So does he. He can choose to be happy with someone who's a perfect fit for him. But he can't guilt you into being, becoming, or pretending to be that perfect partner.
And you can choose to let go of a partner who is guilting you into thinking his misery is your fault. He has a support system. They'll be there for him. You both got this.
posted by Neekee at 3:05 PM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
This is exactly how emotional abusers get their partners to stay. Make them feel like all the abusers' suffering is due to some fault of the ones being abused. Actually, physical abusers do the same. His suffering or unhappiness is due to his own decisions, not yours. Plus, claiming you have no right to decide whether to end a relationship is downright demeaning and absurd. There's a good chance this man thinks he has you wrapped around his fingers if he believes you fell for that line. You have agency. You have choices. So does he. He can choose to be happy with someone who's a perfect fit for him. But he can't guilt you into being, becoming, or pretending to be that perfect partner.
And you can choose to let go of a partner who is guilting you into thinking his misery is your fault. He has a support system. They'll be there for him. You both got this.
posted by Neekee at 3:05 PM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
all of his previous girlfriends have dumped him
This tells us many valuable things:
If you’re like me, guilt is hard to let go of, because sometimes you kind of need a little guilt in your diet. In this case, you might be able redirect the guilt. You might feel guilty for wasting so much of your own time on this guy — time you could have spent on something fulfilling or rewarding. (What could you accomplish if you kept relationships and charity work totally separate?)
You are young, but we are all mortal. You are at an age where your life is about to start moving faster and faster; soon a year will feel like the blink of an eye. Your heartbeats and breaths are a non-renewable resource. Spend them on people who don’t take you for granted. Think about how embarrassing it is when he makes a scene in public. Think about the strangers who wish they could step in, but they’re afraid he’ll take it out on you later. Think about the survivors of abuse who panic or freeze up when they see his outbursts. Turn your empathy where it will do some real good, and make sure you start spending some of it on yourself.
Enlist friends to help. I promise, if you’ve been confiding in your close friends about this guy, or if you’ve brought him to any of their parties, they already think he sucks. I bet they can’t wait to help you cut him out of your life.
I’ve watched so many smart, capable women waste so much precious time on parasitic boyfriends like this. You don’t owe him anything.
posted by armeowda at 5:21 PM on May 24, 2019 [8 favorites]
This tells us many valuable things:
- Multiple other women have gotten sick of his BS, and they have successfully broken up with him; therefore, it is not impossible, and you can do it, too!
- He has plenty of experience being dumped, so he will know how to survive
- He can experience the same negative consequence over and over without changing the behaviour that caused it, so you cannot expect to fix him no matter what you do. You cannot fix him by validating and supporting him; you cannot fix him by begging him to go to therapy; you cannot fix him by teaching him; you cannot fix him by making yourself scarce or taking up less space.
If you’re like me, guilt is hard to let go of, because sometimes you kind of need a little guilt in your diet. In this case, you might be able redirect the guilt. You might feel guilty for wasting so much of your own time on this guy — time you could have spent on something fulfilling or rewarding. (What could you accomplish if you kept relationships and charity work totally separate?)
You are young, but we are all mortal. You are at an age where your life is about to start moving faster and faster; soon a year will feel like the blink of an eye. Your heartbeats and breaths are a non-renewable resource. Spend them on people who don’t take you for granted. Think about how embarrassing it is when he makes a scene in public. Think about the strangers who wish they could step in, but they’re afraid he’ll take it out on you later. Think about the survivors of abuse who panic or freeze up when they see his outbursts. Turn your empathy where it will do some real good, and make sure you start spending some of it on yourself.
Enlist friends to help. I promise, if you’ve been confiding in your close friends about this guy, or if you’ve brought him to any of their parties, they already think he sucks. I bet they can’t wait to help you cut him out of your life.
I’ve watched so many smart, capable women waste so much precious time on parasitic boyfriends like this. You don’t owe him anything.
posted by armeowda at 5:21 PM on May 24, 2019 [8 favorites]
Hi. Are you dating my ex? Kidding, but seriously, 75% of this describes the last guy I was in a relationship with before I met my husband.
Showing no active interest in his own hobbies while yammering on for hours every night (in his case, the yammering was usually about his workplace and coworkers, the only social life he had outside of me)? Check. Lacking the communication skills to have a serious, honest and productive conversation about the relationship, and just generally being too sensitive and avoidant to handle it? Check.
But most of all, this:
He lacks the ability to show real interest in my life, in my past and in my and our life goals. He has basically never asked me any deep questions, he did not even ask questions about me in the beginning to get to know me. I raised the issue, he explained he is afraid of invading persons' privacy when asking questions etc, so I ignored it. But as the time passes it annoys me more and more. He listens and remembers, but whatever I'm telling him, he asks no further questions, he never asks later how something solved or whatever if I do not tell him myself. He has never asked me what I see in our future, how I am generally doing, what are my hopes etc. I have asked him such things and he then tells me long stories but never reciprocates the question.
For me, this was the worst part. It ate at my soul. It made me doubt my own value. It made me feel like I was boring, when in fact he was the boring one who couldn't see or appreciate the intellectually curious woman standing two feet away. It was also the telltale sign, to me, that the intimacy in the relationship was dead if not on life support. [Spoiler: it was dead.]
You owe him nothing. He will land on his feet. The Cheryl Strayed advice referenced in an earlier comment is golden. Wanting to leave is enough.
posted by nightrecordings at 5:46 PM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
Showing no active interest in his own hobbies while yammering on for hours every night (in his case, the yammering was usually about his workplace and coworkers, the only social life he had outside of me)? Check. Lacking the communication skills to have a serious, honest and productive conversation about the relationship, and just generally being too sensitive and avoidant to handle it? Check.
But most of all, this:
He lacks the ability to show real interest in my life, in my past and in my and our life goals. He has basically never asked me any deep questions, he did not even ask questions about me in the beginning to get to know me. I raised the issue, he explained he is afraid of invading persons' privacy when asking questions etc, so I ignored it. But as the time passes it annoys me more and more. He listens and remembers, but whatever I'm telling him, he asks no further questions, he never asks later how something solved or whatever if I do not tell him myself. He has never asked me what I see in our future, how I am generally doing, what are my hopes etc. I have asked him such things and he then tells me long stories but never reciprocates the question.
For me, this was the worst part. It ate at my soul. It made me doubt my own value. It made me feel like I was boring, when in fact he was the boring one who couldn't see or appreciate the intellectually curious woman standing two feet away. It was also the telltale sign, to me, that the intimacy in the relationship was dead if not on life support. [Spoiler: it was dead.]
You owe him nothing. He will land on his feet. The Cheryl Strayed advice referenced in an earlier comment is golden. Wanting to leave is enough.
posted by nightrecordings at 5:46 PM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
You deserve someone who sees you. Someone who wants to see you and thinks you’re a really interesting human being, because you are.
posted by purple_bird at 9:32 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by purple_bird at 9:32 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
Break up and give him a week to get out. He can stay with friends or family or go stay in an Airbnb until he finds an apartment. Do not let him stay at your place for a month or two while he finds the most suitable place to move to while enlisting you in doing tons of legwork for him. Do not leave your own home to give him space. Any number of things could go wrong with that approach. Be firm and clear and don’t engage in taking care of him while he goes through this. You’ve also been through a lot and you are not responsible for soothing him and supporting him through your breakup. It’s not cruel to set clear boundaries with a grown man who can care for himself.
posted by quince at 9:26 AM on May 25, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by quince at 9:26 AM on May 25, 2019 [3 favorites]
As an alternative to you leaving the apartment, can you get someone else to come stay with you for a while? Maybe even a couple of different local friends, rotating through. This could make a similar feel as a clear change in living arrangements, they could help give you the moral support to stick to the break up. It might also make things uncomfortable enough for him to hasten his move.
Good luck!
posted by Salamandrous at 5:54 AM on May 27, 2019
Good luck!
posted by Salamandrous at 5:54 AM on May 27, 2019
Response by poster: Hello! I'm sorry, I was too overwhelmed and a lot was going on so I did not have the strength nor the time to check in here. However, I read through all your replies and I thank you very much for your insights and support! I have a clearer mind now (after writing here, after dealing with some stuff) and I can really digest what you are all saying. It helps a lot. I'm slowly putting a plan in place in my head how to deal with the break up. I'm really afraid of the emotional blackmail that took place the last time so I want to be mentally prepared for it.. I mean, I gathered my strength for weeks the last time, and I failed... But I must admit, partly I guess it's also a bit of procrastination but I feel I must be mentally ready so I won't fall in the same hole again as last time. But I keep pushing myself not to leave it for too long. As it is not fair on him, either, to keep him in dark like this. I received many good suggestions from your replies, I am very thankful.
posted by Engelk at 6:29 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Engelk at 6:29 AM on June 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
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he is easily irritated by the smallest things and it really bugs me. He gets sulking and mad and throws out mean comments and swears like when there is not the item in the store that he wanted, the bus is late, someone is too slow in front of him, something goes not the way he planned, someone accidentally pushes him or whatever. Some small random everyday stuff that happens to all of us. I hate it when that happens, because at least 10-15 minutes, sometimes longer, he is not in the mood to be able to talk to him like a normal person. It happens several times a week.
FUCK that noise. What is he, two years old? He can man up or fuck off.
Dump this couch potato and go find somebody who has good parts and a lifestyle compatible with yours. Yes he'll be sad about it because being dumped is no fun. But if he wants not to be dumped, he can find a partner who is completely OK with sharing their life with a TV-addled bore, or he can learn not to be a TV-addled bore. You've already given him a year to try the latter option with you and that's frankly more than a sulky TV-addled bore deserves.
posted by flabdablet at 4:04 AM on May 24, 2019 [14 favorites]