Telling kid about moving before it's for sure?

May 24, 2019 3:51 AM

My husband is in the interview process for a major career move that would mean moving to another city about 3 hours away. My question is about our kid, who is just finishing 3rd grade. We have an opportunity to visit the new city as a family in early June, almost definitely before he has an answer, let alone a negotiated offer, and likely no opportunity to do this with our daughter any other time before moving. Should we go for this visit with her? Should we tell her about the possible move even if is not certain?

She is an only child and a sensitive and astute person. If we go but don't tell her why and then later we do move I think she will be very resentful that she didn't know. If we tell her and then we don't move, I think we will have put her through major emotional stress for no reason. Or maybe I'm projecting, because I am still working through my own grief about the prospect of this move even though it makes sense for his career (will be keeping that to myself/therapist). If this search doesn't work out, we will probably have to move cities for his career to progress, ideally within the next few years. Should we just address this reality with our daughter?

He looks to be the only candidate moving forward at this point, so this seems like a really strong possibility (although they could also put the whole search on hold and restart of course). The hiring timelines in this field are excruciatingly slow. If it pans out, he would probably start in August or September and we would move in late summer in time for the school year.

While it would be nice to visit, I don't really need to at this point. My husband thinks we should tell her and go for a visit. She hasn't been to this city before, and there are no obvious reasons for her to like it more
or less than any other city we could move to (no family close by, no unique features relevant to her interests) although of course we would find great things for all of us to get involved in if we settle there.

posted by MissSquare to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Depends on your kid. When my sensitive kid was younger I would not, as it would provoke a lot of anxiety. Now my kid is 10 and better able to handle uncertainty and may be better for it... But I mostly do this for things that I'm fairly certain will happen. For example, 'we will probably move out of this house to a bigger one before you start high school.'
But I would err on the side of not telling her. What would be the difference? She might start obsessing about what school she'd go to or how the kids are there, which won't do anyone any good.
posted by k8t at 4:23 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

When I was seven, my parents came into my room and asked me "would you like to have a little brother or sister?" I recall saying very quickly, very succinctly, and very firmly - "no." And they replied "...well, you're going to." And I was unhappy about that.

Moreso because it was presented as a choice and then dumped on me as "this is going to happen whether you like it or not." I resented that quite a bit. Not the having a sibling... well, sort of. But the false choice thing really bugged me. It made it feel even more powerless than had they just said "we're having another child, here's what's going to happen..."

Things happen whether you like it or not as a kid. How you present those things to a child matter a lot.

So, in your situation, I'd be very careful not to take her to the new city with the hopes of winning her over or giving the impression she has a vote in this. Because if she doesn't immediately love the new city, or she just doesn't want to move, it's going to feel like being overruled and unwanted change.

I'd tell her upfront. "This is something that might happen. We're going to visit the new city and we can get to know it a little bit. That way, if your dad gets this job, we already have some information on what's good about new city."

But absolutely tell her upfront. If it slips out some other way, she might be upset at being kept in the dark. Best of luck to your family - I hope the job pans out if it's the best thing for you all.
posted by jzb at 4:31 AM on May 24, 2019 [86 favorites]

I would tell her. 3rd grade is mature enough to understand and process a maybe scenario. If she know she can give you a 4' tall perspective on new city and also shop for features attractive to her. At that age she definitely has preferences you don't actively know about her. Give her the chance to participate in the family dynamic. Ask her opinion, let her talk. Maybe help her research new schools online etc.

Side note about something you didn't ask but did mention. You should absolutely tell your partner about your own anxiety. I dragged my wife to 8 cities and 2 countries for work and she also bravely didn't talk me. As we got older I started to understand that and wish I had been more receptive and she more open about it. My career is important but not more important than my family unit. Just my 2 pennies.
posted by chasles at 4:31 AM on May 24, 2019 [8 favorites]

I am still working through my own grief about the prospect of this move ... (will be keeping that to myself/therapist)

I think you buried the lede. Seems to me if you are experiencing grief over the possibility of moving, the kind that is intense enough to see a therapist about, you should probably talk about that with your husband. He deserves to know your thoughts/fears/hopes/reservations, so that HE can make an informed vote. And if you move in a situation that you know you are likely to hate and be resentful about for years, it’s probably not going to be great for you marriage and family.
posted by SaltySalticid at 4:34 AM on May 24, 2019 [29 favorites]

I don't know -- if you don't have to go on the visit, why do it and stress her out about it before you go? It seems like it would be nicer (for me, an anxious person) to simply not go on the trip as a family, then tell her, and then arrange a fun trip together. I don't see why the trip has to be NOW if it's still optional (and she doesn't have to say -- why didn't you tell me when we were there?) August or Sept. is still pretty far away in kid-land.

As for yourself, I hope you're talking about the grief of moving with your husband. I've moved with my husband for his job before, and while we're very happily married, it put a lot of stress on us and our marriage. We both wish that I had been more up front about it all before we actually moved -- instead, I took the martyr approach and it backfired.
posted by caoimhe at 4:40 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

I think your choices are 1) to not tell her and not take her on the visit, or 2) tell her it is a possibility and take her on the visit. It seems disingenuous to not tell her and take her on the visit. As far as the second option, you will need to be able to support her in the ambiguity and uncertainty of the event. In many ways it is a really good life skill to have to be able to find comfort and peace with the uncertainty (Pema Chodron wrote a book about it). I think at her age it is okay to say "we don't know if we will move, but we want to check the city out just in case." Let her know it is okay to be scared, nervous, angry and it is also okay to be happy, excited, curious. Then, if and when you know the move is for certain, she will know her emotions will be honored whatever they may be.
posted by turtlefu at 4:53 AM on May 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

I would not tell her until it’s for certain. She might spend the summer really upset about having to move away from friends. Because she doesn’t have a vote in this decision, it could upset her more if you visit the city as a family and she doesn’t like it there, but her opinion isn’t taken into consideration.
posted by sallybrown at 5:01 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

We moved when i was 10. Somewhere in there (not too long before or after), there was a "maybe" move that didn't pan out. I remember hearing about it, but it was so abstract as to only register in retrospect. So hearing about a "maybe" move wasn't too upsetting. But a trip would've made it more concrete, so if it's really uncertain, it might not be worth it. (But it doesn't sound like it is?)

We moved two other times as well. In no instance did I get to go on the reconnaissance / home purchase trip. Honestly, I don't think it would've been very comprehensible to me. (Would I have been listening to my parents debate the pros and cons of various neighborhoods?) We just pulled into these new cities that were mysteries to me, and things largely worked out okay. On the other hand, having a chance to get oriented might have been nice, IDK.

Are you buying or renting? Will you be buying before you move? When we moved with our toddler, having him on the house-buying trips definitely led us to favor neighborhoods with parks, since we were always seeking out play breaks. Her presence might help you see the city through her eyes and make good decisions. If she doesn't come, maybe you could just think about or ask what she cares about and factor that in (for me as a 10-13 year old it was: can I bike to a pool and library? what is the school like? is there a place to explore nearby?).

I don't know if your family gets to decide the timing of the move (now vs in a couple years). All else being equal, it was easier to me to move when I was just about to start middle school and just about to start high school. The move in the middle of 6th grade (when everyone was about to graduate elementary school) was the worst. I think moving tends to also be easier when you're younger. Age 7 might not be bad?

A lot of the success of a move depends on who you fall in with, friend-wise, and some big portion of that is based on convenience. If there's a way to move to a neighborhood with nice, non-snobby people, that would be great. Apologies for going beyond the bounds of your specific question once I started thinking back.
posted by slidell at 5:10 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

If we go but don't tell her why and then later we do move I think she will be very resentful that she didn't know.

I think you could go without telling her and then later if your husband gets the job say, "Big news! We're moving to City X. That's the city we visited in June, remember? We didn't know at the time that your dad was going to get a job there" (which is not even a lie) and she would likely just accept it as a coincidence. An adult might guess why you had made the previous visit, but I don't know that a 3rd grader would. Of course, that's assuming that you'd just be doing general "getting to know the city" activities, not checking out real estate options and talking over which neighborhood you'd most want to live in.
posted by Redstart at 5:38 AM on May 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

Just as a counterpoint, when I was in elementary school my father was travelling looking at different jobs quite a bit. He was an academic and at that time he had a lot of possibilities. (At the time he thought he wanted us to move back to the US, so it was to a different country, and it always came with drills listing the Presidents in order or naming all the states and their capitals.)

It didn’t bother me to be included, because it was clear to me that these trips were just possibilities. We ended up staying where we where we were, and those trips are fond memories. My parents approached then in a spirit of adventure.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:50 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Couldn’t you just go on vacation there? Try to have some fun associations with the place (amusement park? Ice cream sundae?) rather than several days of “this might be your school, this might be our grocery store). As you say, it is too early to know and plan, but some positive associations could be helpful, so if you move, she remembers the town fondly, and if not, you just had a great family vaycay. That doesn’t seem dishonest if the goal is to get to know a new place.
posted by andreapandrea at 6:26 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

We moved when I was 10, and in the one or two months before we moved I was aware that my dad was interviewing for jobs and my parents explained that we would probably move out of state and a bunch of the possible destinations, but I didn’t travel with them on any of the exploratory trips. It gave me the chance to think about it and in retrospect feels like the right thing even though I wasn’t exactly happy in the moment. If they hadn’t told me I would figured or something was going on - my dad traveling a bunch while kind of stressed out was a giveaway.

Honestly, I was more bothered when my parents called me one day in college to say “I know you were planning on coming home this summer after we asked you to but we’ve decided to move during the middle of summer because your dad got a new job.” The surprise and lack of time to plan around it was the part that wasn’t good. I did end up going on a house shopping trip with my parents that time, but I was 18 and they thought it was a good learning experience at that age to understand how realtors work, what questions to ask inspectors, etc. I can’t imagine being part of that trip as a 10 year old, it was boring and stressful and I can’t imagine that I actually would have had any influence over it at that age.
posted by asphericalcow at 7:17 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I think when I was that age, if I'd had positive concrete images to tie the idea of the city to, that would've been more manageable than being pitched into the Great Unknown. But they'd need to be positive--so I'd take a lot of care to make this a pleasant family vacation.
posted by praemunire at 8:06 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'd totally tell her. Sometimes life takes us where we don't want to go, or to places that are unknown to us. Knowing "we're all in this together" means you can take an exploratory adventure to new-place together and talk about all the good and bad what-ifs as they come up. That gives her time to consider, worry, question, imagine and otherwise process the potential change and figure out what it means for her - she needs that time and exposure just as you do.

And you don't want to plant the seed that when mom and dad are whispering together at night, or worried a little bit, or quiet about something, that means her entire world is about to get turned upside down. Hello, anxiety!

I made two big moves when my boys were growing up and both times included them in the process as best I could. There are *many* things I would do differently with hindsight, but how I communicated with them re: relocating is not one of them. I would do it exactly the same way if I had to do it again.
posted by headnsouth at 8:44 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

My father was in the military. Growing up, I moved around a lot and I was a smart and anxious kid. I resented the times that my parents told me about possible moves. I always knew a move would happen eventually (which is probably different for your kid), but the acute anxiety of maybe/maybe not soon was never helpful. If it didn't happen, then I withdrew and fretted for nothing. If it did happen, the knowledge of the move didn't help me prepare in any way (for a kid, there's nothing to do in the case of a hypothetical move).

Keep it to yourself until you have something real to share with your kid. "We're moving, this is where and when, and here's how we're going to make new friends and routines" is the kind of thing that helped me when I was your kid's age. "Here, have these weeks or months of uncertainty" was not.
posted by ddbeck at 8:57 AM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

When I've told my son "maybes" before they happen it's caused unnecessary anxiety for him and I've regretted it. I say don't tell her until it's a for sure thing, and take her on the visit once contracts are signed (telling her why the visit is happening beforehand and trying to make it as empowering for her as possible in terms of letting her control some things or choose things to do or think about in terms of her new home. If you tell her now she'll be focused on leaving her friends behind and nervous about a new school, potentially for nothing, and then she might be more resistant to a new job search or move in the future. Hopefully once it's decided you'll be able to better convey and believe in the advantages of moving, and that will also be better for both of you.

I think taking her once it's a for sure thing would help her to work through the grieving process and look for good things to look forward to, whereas a "maybe" would be too much anxiety, and not telling her would feel deceptive in retrospect.

When I decided we were moving I told my 6 year old "in the next few months we will be moving, I know it will be sad to leave our home that we both love but it is for these good reasons", and I gave him time to grieve and accepted his sadness, but also conveyed why the move was for sure happening (no backsliding), a positive overall for our family and made sure there were some sweet add-ons (in our case he got to pick out paint colours for his room, we adopted a dog, he had more space via a play area, and I emphasized that this was all so we could become a family with his step-dad and would mean more family time together). He's adjusted super well although it wasn't a big or far move.
posted by lafemma at 9:37 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

First impressions and finding the parts you love are important for _all_ of you. After just moving there, you'll be too busy (and maybe sad) to explore as much, and your emotions will be all over the place.

Go. Get the lowdown on awesome restaurants that aren't too expensive, amazing parks, the best place to see a vista view, maybe a good karaoke spot or a place that does trail rides on horses. Have a nice time. Make sure you have an amazing time. Maybe tell her in the middle of the trip or immediately after.

You can make this trip partly for you, too, to give yourself a chance to love something there.
posted by amtho at 10:02 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

"If it pans out, he would probably start in August or September and we would move in late summer in time for the school year."
This. As someone who was in a different school each year up to fourth grade (two schools that year, two different preschools) and who's sister was in a different school every year... make the change during the summer.

There is no certainty that old friends will keep in touch via social media and letters, but they might. There is no certainty that new friends will be made via joining a local Scout troop, or summer religious camp, or the local library summer reading program, but they might.
Walking into a new classroom a week after school starts is not fun. You as a parent cannot fix this, but making the first weeks in a new town less "sink or swim" is important. Those social circles can be hard to break into after the seating chart is made.

I'd be upfront about the potential move, given that she is bound to find out by accident anyway. Let her know what you've written about.
Her father's career requires changing cities, perhaps multiple times over the next ten years. You have a chance to look at the potential city before the next move, but it may not happen this summer. It's an exciting idea, but you want to scope things out.

What are some of the things that are important to her? Are there neighborhoods that cater to her interests? Be specific that this is only a wish list, not a promise.
She might enjoy athletic activities: swimming, biking trails, sports groups at the local YMCA or community center.
She might have social activities that she would like to start or continue: Scouts, religious, hobbies.
She might have some ambitious plans that could be carried forward in her new environment: trying out for a sports team, joining a choir or orchestra, working toward an academic goal. She will need help bridging the gap between programs in different cities to keep up her progress.

You might ask her teachers and other adults about her interests. They may also be able to give you strategies to make the transitions easier.
posted by TrishaU at 11:48 AM on May 24, 2019

Another military brat here, I vote for no point in telling her about a "maybe" move. Take the fun vacation trip to the city if you like, and tell her you'll be moving to that great place you visited only after there's a firm job offer in hand. I also agree with the sentiment that if she doesn't get a veto don't present it as a choice.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:47 AM on May 25, 2019

I was not a military brat and only moved once for my parents’ jobs. However I was told “we might maybe move” twice. I appreciated it both times. If anything, I had a lot of “what if” daydreams about what my life might have been like if the other move had happened, during my wistful teenage years. To me, knowing the “maybe” before the “this is happening” was really useful for the time we did move (which was traumatic for my poor mom, but exciting for me).
posted by samthemander at 1:32 PM on May 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

We moved many times when I was a kid. When I was younger, like your kid, I was told after it hade been decided which was fine. When I was older, I was allowed to give my opinion but I always understood that I didn't have veto rights.
posted by atrazine at 2:22 PM on May 27, 2019