How do you deal with knowing that the person's friends hate you for how you've hurt them?
December 19, 2012 3:23 PM Subscribe
Relationship fall-out: How do you deal with knowing that the person's friends hate you for how you've hurt them?
posted by Autumn to human relations (56 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I've posted about my relationship before, but basically we both made a lot of mistakes in it. Now when I see this girl, she tells me her friends and family know about the mistakes I've made in the relationship and don't approve and don't think I loved her and hated to see her so upset all the time. She tells me that her family has even said that if she's with me, they don't want her in their lives.
Now, that can make a person feel like shit. I've only ever heard of a family saying that to someone who was destroying their lives with drugs or something and bringing everyone that tried to be there for them down with them. And I think, is that seriously how they see me? Wow.
I'm going to write out what I've done so you have a clear picture of what I'm talking about:
- I've hit her. She hit me first, but I hit her back shortly afterwards and hit her again a few weeks later when she slapped me during sex thinking I'd like it. It wasn't a reactionary thing, both times I hit her I did it because she hit me and I thought it would help me feel better.
- I was seeing someone else when I met her. I broke up with them two weeks after she and I became official, told her a few months later.
- I broke up with her constantly. Sometimes over stupid things, sometimes over serious things.
- I told her I hated her multiple times, and at one point said "fuck you, I hate you" (which was when she slapped me.)
- I was feeling suicidal at one point and poured myself a glass of antifreeze in front of her. Then I picked up a knife and put it to my wrist. I wasn't actually planning to do anything (I didn't drink the antifreeze or cut myself, just stood there), but she didn't know that and was traumatized. At the time I was seeing a psychiatrist and on medication that made me a bit loopy.
I feel like a horrible person, I replay what she's said they think of me over and over in my head. I don't go places I might run into her friends because I'd be incredibly embarrassed.
The thing of it is I know that I'm human and that people make mistakes. I know that being around certain people can make you turn ugly and it has nothing to do with you as a person. My friends are on my side and say the exact same things about her that her friends/family say about me (minus the abandoning me if I'm with her part.) I didn't include my side of the incidents above to keep this from being too long but I know that there's two sides to every story and she's hurt me as much as I've hurt her.
None of my feel-better thinking helps. I don't know what to say to myself or what thought process I need to be having to get over this. It also doesn't help that I've seen my friends in pain over relationships and there's definitely moments where I've thought "what a horrible person to do that to someone." How do you cope with yourself knowing that you've hit someone and other people know it? She's going through the same thing - my friends know she's hit me and done other physically/emotionally-abusive things and don't approve either. She's pulled a gun on herself (they don't know that part but it ties in with what I did above.)
It doesn't help me at all to think that my friends know all of what I've done too and don't judge me at all. (they blame her) It should help but it doesn't. :( I tell myself look Autumn, some people bring out the worst in each other. Both of your friends are looking in from the outside and see the individual hurt, but they won't ever see the whole picture and even if they did they would feel the same way about you because they're closest to her. It's the same way your friends are reacting. Don't feel bad about yourself. Doesn't help!
This person has a wide network of friends and I go around thinking there's this large number of people who think I'm a horrible person.
Generally, people like me. When I've had relationships, the friends/family tend to like me and nothing as horrible as the above happened. I don't like not being liked by people for something I've done. I've never done anything like the above and I don't know how to deal with other people's reactions. The other thing that hurts is she's such a happy, bubbly person. Everyone loves her. And today she told me that being with me made her depressed and have anger problems and her friends couldn't stand to see her that way. That hurt. I told myself that I'm not solely responsible for her issues - she had them before our relationship went south and her anger/depression is part of the reason things with us went horribly.
But she blames me and I know she's suddenly saying these things because she's opened up to people and that's what they're saying. So I'm left knowing that there's a group of people that think I turned this happy-go-lucky person into a depressed angry monster. I try to tell myself my friends probably think that about her too - that I was happy, then I wasn't and it's probably her fault. Doesn't help. Argh!
I don't even feel that the issue is I haven't forgiven myself - I had forgiven myself and her for the way we acted during the relationship awhile ago. I guess she must have just started talking to her friends about us because she's bringing stuff up that happened months, sometimes years ago. Things that previously she seemed okay about. Now she's done a 180 and is blaming me for everything. I try to tell myself that's how some people move on - that she needs to feel like it was all my fault because if it wasn't then what does that say about her and what she's done? But it just. doesn't. help.
Which makes me think that her friends must think even worse of me - like it was so horrible she felt she couldn't talk to them or I was preventing her from talking to them or something (I wasn't!).
Help me - I'm good at thought-therapy and manipulating the way I think in order to feel better about something. Not this time. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. I don't want to hate myself. Thank you.