I ain't afraid of no ghosts

March 4, 2019 10:16 AM

My serious boyfriend of 9 months unexpectedly ghosted me after an interstate trip and, well, 9 months of seriously dating. I was totally taken by surprise. I did not know there were problems beyond those small day to day things in relationships; he came to a friend's wedding with me, and then he disappeared. Now that I'm dating someone, how do I keep from being a ball of anxiety every time it takes longer than expected to communicate? How do convince myself that I'm not going to get disappeared on again?

I'm trying VERY HARD to remind myself that, for example, not replying immediately to texts is perfectly normal. BUT WHAT IF IT IS NOT. And to remind myself that the person I am dating is incredibly kind and sweet and attentive and shows me in many ways that they like me and are pleased to be dating me. But if I couldn't tell someone was about to disappear before, how will I know if someone is about to disappear again? How do I not make this anxiety the person I am dating's problem?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

This ghost had some serious back story, you still don't know. It is like a separation and reconciliation, or a wife, handily tucked away somewhere, or a wife on overseas duty. But, do not give him a second thought. You did not make him what he is, or cause his irresponsibility.
posted by Oyéah at 11:15 AM on March 4, 2019 [4 favorites]

I would explain what happened to the person you are currently dating, and ask him to swear by whatever he holds dear that if he should ever want to break up with you, he will be a man and an adult about it and have that painful but necessary conversation with you before you two go your separate ways instead of pulling some disappearing act (or treating you progressively worse until you break up with him, which is another dick move men like to pull). Your current guy will almost certainly be glad to give you his word on that, which might help relieve your anxiety, i.e., whenever he hasn't responded to a text, you can tell yourself, "He's not gone -- we haven't had the conversation yet."
posted by orange swan at 11:52 AM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]

What's your attachment style? (secure, anxious/preoccupied, dismissing, or fearful-avoidant)
Do you know?
posted by Auden at 12:56 PM on March 4, 2019

Note that the OP did not actually state their gender or that this is a het relationship.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 5:12 PM on March 4, 2019 [3 favorites]

This happened to me with a much longer relationship. I suggest you treat it like a trauma. This is something someone did to you. That might be uncomfortable to hear, but for me it was an important part of realizing how badly it had wounded me. Therapy might be really helpful.

Telling new person that this is an injury you’re carrying is also a good idea, IMO.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:17 PM on March 4, 2019 [3 favorites]

How long is this ghost in days? He needs decompression.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:24 PM on March 4, 2019

make it clear that this is like comet-hitting-earth levels of rare.

It absolutely is not rare, you have no idea. It's happened to me and probably almost every woman I know. Unfortunately there's not any way to make sure it won't happen again until there are negative consequences for people who do this. I went to therapy for it and it didn't help at all.
posted by Violet Hour at 12:53 AM on March 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

What Violet Hour said. Anyone can ghost you at any time--whether or not it's someone you date, your best friend, hell, maybe even your family. There is no way to get over that or reassure yourself that it will never happen because it always can. You just...have to live with knowing that, I guess.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:03 AM on March 5, 2019 [1 favorite]