How do I control my high anxiety and sensitivity when dating?
June 13, 2014 1:35 PM Subscribe
How I can I better handle these intense feelings and hold them in while maintaining the confidence and calmness that made the woman like me in the first place?
posted by My Famous Mistake to Human Relations (26 answers total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
When I find a potential mate my body almost immediately starts screaming at me to do whatever it takes to make it permanent, as loneliness is a primary cause of my anxiety, and it also screams at me that the woman in question is a place I can safely dump all my baggage. I am aware these are not healthy tendencies, I am now aware that these tendencies are pretty apparent, and I keep running into situations where I lose the prize by showing my cards too soon.
I am 32 and male. Because I've been so wrapped up lately in the struggle to overcome my anxiety it's at the forefront of my mind and I unthinkingly take any opportunity to explain myself, in terms of darker parts of my past, to a potential partner and I have recently learned that this is unattractive, that it contradicts my confidence and the other attractive parts of me.
I've gotten quite good in recent years at acting as if I don't have these problems, and I have truly worked through a lot of them by walking toward what scares me instead of running away. The building of a new, strong, confident person is well underway.
But I'm torn between and confused about a few things:
1. How can I understand the difference between improving and strengthening myself vs. trying to become something I'm not?
2. In the most recent case, I met a woman with whom I shared a great connection and a strong attraction. I was thrilled about it, and she seemed to be really happy too. But I got in my own head too much and spent too much time talking about my unhappy past and turned her off, when my only intention was to explain my personality. Is building a new relationship really about holding back the truth of my emotions for as long as possible? If so, how do I do this, because my emotions run so off the charts high that to keep them all in when it seems like I've finally found someone to talk to about them feels absolutely excruciating.
The confident person I knew I was a week or so ago is nowhere to be found now. He'll be back, but the right now is really difficult.
I have the confidence and the fortune to attract women that I am extremely attracted to, but my lifelong history of insecurity and inadequacy keeps rearing its head and putting distance between us.
Are you a highly emotional person who too easily cleaves to a partner, maybe too soon? How have you fixed this problem?
I need to do something different, because right now I feel like I had something great and then extinguished it because I allowed myself to depend emotionally too heavily on it.
I am in therapy, on long term meds, have had short term (xanax) meds prescribed to me for this difficult period.
At times like this I feel like I'm pretty backwards as far as dating experience goes, so any answers that are along the lines of chastisement (such as "Dude, you broke the first rule of dating, keep that shit to yourself!") I would prefer be kept to yourself, they would just be painful and not useful to me.
But I'd love to hear from anyone who has overcome these issues or who has a partner who has. Thanks for your time and thought.