How to deal with someone who doesn’t like me
December 23, 2018 7:08 PM Subscribe
I have a good friend A, a woman, who is married to B, a man. All three of us are in our mid 30s and live in the same city, which is not our the city all three of us grew up in. I have known A and B for about 15 years and A and I have become good friends. B on the other hand never used to like me.
I know I am not perfect, a lot of people don’t like me, but I have usually got no idea what the problem is. With B he used to seem petty and small minded to me but I was nice to him anyway as we were in the same group.This was before A and B got together - they have been married for a few years now.
When A and B moved to my city in 2012 we initially used to do things together as a group of three. But then B stopped coming. I tried not to take it personally. B remained (and remains) superficially friendly and he and A have helped me out in a few difficult situations and I am grateful for that.
I thought we were past our youthful animosity so I was feeling more confident so I decided to friend B on Facebook (A and I have been friends on Facebook for years and I can’t remember who friended who first)
It was only a couple of days ago but he hasn’t accepted my friend request and I am worried he won’t. Other friend requests I sent out at the same time or since have been accepted.
My question: what should I do? I don’t want to lose A or cause a scene but I have no idea why B appears at least to still not like me, and it is going to be awkward if it turns out that A likes me and B doesn’t.
Thank you!
I know I am not perfect, a lot of people don’t like me, but I have usually got no idea what the problem is. With B he used to seem petty and small minded to me but I was nice to him anyway as we were in the same group.This was before A and B got together - they have been married for a few years now.
When A and B moved to my city in 2012 we initially used to do things together as a group of three. But then B stopped coming. I tried not to take it personally. B remained (and remains) superficially friendly and he and A have helped me out in a few difficult situations and I am grateful for that.
I thought we were past our youthful animosity so I was feeling more confident so I decided to friend B on Facebook (A and I have been friends on Facebook for years and I can’t remember who friended who first)
It was only a couple of days ago but he hasn’t accepted my friend request and I am worried he won’t. Other friend requests I sent out at the same time or since have been accepted.
My question: what should I do? I don’t want to lose A or cause a scene but I have no idea why B appears at least to still not like me, and it is going to be awkward if it turns out that A likes me and B doesn’t.
Thank you!
I think it’s actually fine if A likes you and B doesn’t. I don’t particularly gel with all my husband’s friends, or friends’ partners either. It happens and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you.
Be cool and don’t make the apparently rejected friend request into a thing. Just let it go and be cordial when you see B. I know it stings, but it may not mean anything and even if it does it’s not good to pick at it. Keep inviting A to stuff you want to do with her and let B work out how he wants to be involved. You’ll be fine!
posted by eirias at 7:24 PM on December 23, 2018 [19 favorites]
Be cool and don’t make the apparently rejected friend request into a thing. Just let it go and be cordial when you see B. I know it stings, but it may not mean anything and even if it does it’s not good to pick at it. Keep inviting A to stuff you want to do with her and let B work out how he wants to be involved. You’ll be fine!
posted by eirias at 7:24 PM on December 23, 2018 [19 favorites]
It sounds to me like B doesn't necessarily dislike you, but he just doesn't get on with you well enough to want to cultivate a friendship. You don't want to be friends with everyone you come into contact with, right? Sometimes you just have to accept that not everyone is going to love you and want to be your good friend, and you can't know specifically why. All you can do is just try to keep being the best version of yourself you can.
posted by kitty teeth at 7:27 PM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by kitty teeth at 7:27 PM on December 23, 2018 [6 favorites]
A FB friend request in 2018 and you're in your 30s? Do you know this person is even active on facebook? Most people I know in that age range have basically stopped caring about facebook, or only marginally pay attention to it very sporadically.
I would give absolutely zero weight to the fact this person has not responded on facebook. None whatsoever. Maybe he really doesnt care for you, but facebook friend requests will not tell you that in today's day and age.
posted by cgg at 7:29 PM on December 23, 2018 [25 favorites]
I would give absolutely zero weight to the fact this person has not responded on facebook. None whatsoever. Maybe he really doesnt care for you, but facebook friend requests will not tell you that in today's day and age.
posted by cgg at 7:29 PM on December 23, 2018 [25 favorites]
B remained (and remains) superficially friendly and he and A have helped me out in a few difficult situations and I am grateful for that.
In my friend group (although I am older than you and have different friends than you), this is perfectly acceptable. Maybe it could be Ok the relationship just is what it is?
posted by metahawk at 7:54 PM on December 23, 2018 [10 favorites]
In my friend group (although I am older than you and have different friends than you), this is perfectly acceptable. Maybe it could be Ok the relationship just is what it is?
posted by metahawk at 7:54 PM on December 23, 2018 [10 favorites]
I have observed many people with aggressively curated friends lists- I wouldn't take this personally.
posted by freethefeet at 8:02 PM on December 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by freethefeet at 8:02 PM on December 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
I tried not to take it personally. B remained (and remains) superficially friendly and he and A have helped me out in a few difficult situations and I am grateful for that.
...
I don’t want to lose A or cause a scene
Take a page from B's book and be superficially friendly. B has the way to behave in this situation down. Enjoy your friendship with A. Don't stress about Facebook if at all possible.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:11 PM on December 23, 2018 [12 favorites]
...
I don’t want to lose A or cause a scene
Take a page from B's book and be superficially friendly. B has the way to behave in this situation down. Enjoy your friendship with A. Don't stress about Facebook if at all possible.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:11 PM on December 23, 2018 [12 favorites]
I know it's very tempting to want to know why someone dislikes you, because you think if you know what the problem is, you will be able to address it. But it doesn't work like that. If someone doesn't like you there is no good way of finding out why. And in this case, if you are not that fond of him either, what difference does it make? I don't think you're right that it could get awkward; I think it has already shaken out.
posted by bleep at 8:12 PM on December 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by bleep at 8:12 PM on December 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
"he and A have helped me out in a few difficult situations"
To me, this means much more than the Facebook friend request. I think you have a perfectly fine and non-awkward relationship with B: you are a good friend of his wife's, and he will be civil and even helpful to you. Possibly only for her sake, but that seems fair when it sounds like you only care about him for her sake.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:29 PM on December 23, 2018 [33 favorites]
To me, this means much more than the Facebook friend request. I think you have a perfectly fine and non-awkward relationship with B: you are a good friend of his wife's, and he will be civil and even helpful to you. Possibly only for her sake, but that seems fair when it sounds like you only care about him for her sake.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:29 PM on December 23, 2018 [33 favorites]
I sometimes ignore or don't even see friend requests and let them build up for months at a time.
Sometimes I'm not on FB very much for a few days.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed by FB and I try to trim my FB list to people I would actually share personal details with IRL or who I've talked to in the past year or whatever.
It's okay for people to just not gel. Honestly there's a person I'm thinking of unfriending because they're married and attractive and I'm lonely and have a bit of a crush that's much easier to deal with when we don't interact much. Probably not the situation here but it's good to keep in mind that you don't really know what's going on with other people and it's best not to worry about it too much.
posted by bunderful at 8:35 PM on December 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
Sometimes I'm not on FB very much for a few days.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed by FB and I try to trim my FB list to people I would actually share personal details with IRL or who I've talked to in the past year or whatever.
It's okay for people to just not gel. Honestly there's a person I'm thinking of unfriending because they're married and attractive and I'm lonely and have a bit of a crush that's much easier to deal with when we don't interact much. Probably not the situation here but it's good to keep in mind that you don't really know what's going on with other people and it's best not to worry about it too much.
posted by bunderful at 8:35 PM on December 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
I check FB like once a month and see "you have 80 notifications," most of which are from random political or sales groups that other people added me to. It might take me 6 months to see a friend invite.
posted by salvia at 8:50 PM on December 23, 2018
posted by salvia at 8:50 PM on December 23, 2018
And it's really okay if it turns out B doesn't like you.
I have a dear friend who has another dear friend doesn't like me for unknown reasons. We're adults so we're cordial and warm when in the same spaces, but that's about it.
It used to vex me (for a year or so I wondered what did I do????) until another friend told me this: You are awesome, but you're not her kind of awesome. And it turns out that that's okay! I wish her well.
It's totally okay to be a kind of awesome that's not his kind of awesome. And you can still be great friends with A and wish B every happiness.
posted by mochapickle at 9:07 PM on December 23, 2018 [11 favorites]
I have a dear friend who has another dear friend doesn't like me for unknown reasons. We're adults so we're cordial and warm when in the same spaces, but that's about it.
It used to vex me (for a year or so I wondered what did I do????) until another friend told me this: You are awesome, but you're not her kind of awesome. And it turns out that that's okay! I wish her well.
It's totally okay to be a kind of awesome that's not his kind of awesome. And you can still be great friends with A and wish B every happiness.
posted by mochapickle at 9:07 PM on December 23, 2018 [11 favorites]
1. I have thirty friends requests sitting unanswered on facebook right now, some years old, and I don't dislike those people. I friend very limitedly on facebook. Different people use facebook in different ways. I don't reject the friend requests because it feels mean. so they just... sit there.
2. i know someone who really doesn't like one of his wife's friends. just on a personality level, she's not his taste, not that she's done something wrong. But his wife likes her so she comes over, etc. This could be the situation that is happening here, sure. But if it is, why worry about it? Not everyone has to like you. Your friend likes you, and B is civil.
Honestly this sounds like enough of an overreaction I suggest you do some more exploring about where this intense need to be liked a lot by everyone is coming from. What's so bad about you not being everyone's cup of tea, as long as the interactions are superficially friendly and your friend still likes you and B is not interfering with that? (Especially when the evidence of something being wrong is a friend request left unanswered for a few days!)
posted by Cozybee at 9:16 PM on December 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
2. i know someone who really doesn't like one of his wife's friends. just on a personality level, she's not his taste, not that she's done something wrong. But his wife likes her so she comes over, etc. This could be the situation that is happening here, sure. But if it is, why worry about it? Not everyone has to like you. Your friend likes you, and B is civil.
Honestly this sounds like enough of an overreaction I suggest you do some more exploring about where this intense need to be liked a lot by everyone is coming from. What's so bad about you not being everyone's cup of tea, as long as the interactions are superficially friendly and your friend still likes you and B is not interfering with that? (Especially when the evidence of something being wrong is a friend request left unanswered for a few days!)
posted by Cozybee at 9:16 PM on December 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Another possibility- B is keeping some distance as you're primarily A's friend and it's nice to still have some of your own individual friends when you are part of a couple. So it's more about her having some independence and less about you.
posted by emd3737 at 10:45 PM on December 23, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 10:45 PM on December 23, 2018 [5 favorites]
I would let his real-life actions be your guide. I have a lot of friends that I'll hang out with, but my boyfriend doesn't come along. It's not that he dislikes them, it's just that the stuff we do isn't the stuff he likes to do.
Since this is true: " he and A have helped me out in a few difficult situations" that means that he holds you in enough regard to want to be there for you when you need it, which I think is much more important than hanging around whenever you and A get together, or friending on facebook. Don't let the superficialities worry you, there is an undercurrent of decency there that you should actually feel pretty good about.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:05 PM on December 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Since this is true: " he and A have helped me out in a few difficult situations" that means that he holds you in enough regard to want to be there for you when you need it, which I think is much more important than hanging around whenever you and A get together, or friending on facebook. Don't let the superficialities worry you, there is an undercurrent of decency there that you should actually feel pretty good about.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:05 PM on December 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
Alongside all the "just because he hasn't friended you on Facebook, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you" stuff... There are people on Facebook I have friended who I am ambivalent about, can barely remember meeting, have nothing in common with, and will probably never see again in my life. There is no universal meaning to "friending". If he friends you, it does not mean he likes you, or loves you, or barely tolerates you. You have no way of knowing. Friending means nothing.
posted by fabius at 10:03 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by fabius at 10:03 AM on December 24, 2018 [3 favorites]
He has shown no interest in being your friend since they moved to your area 6 years ago. That is the status quo that you have been living with for many years and it hasn't negatively affected your friendship with "A". I suggest you just forget about the facebook request and continue being politely distant with "B" since that seems to currently be working fine.
People sometimes don't like other people and it has nothing to do with "youthful animosity". For whatever reason your personalities don't gel and that is okay.
posted by Julnyes at 11:27 AM on December 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
People sometimes don't like other people and it has nothing to do with "youthful animosity". For whatever reason your personalities don't gel and that is okay.
posted by Julnyes at 11:27 AM on December 24, 2018 [2 favorites]
He has shown no interest in being your friend since they moved to your area 6 years ago. That is the status quo that you have been living with for many years and it hasn't negatively affected your friendship with "A". I suggest you just forget about the facebook request and continue being politely distant with "B" since that seems to currently be working fine.
This. Exactly. The ignoring of a Facebook friend request will make a difference in the triad of this relationship only if you choose to make it so. Because this is a complete non-event you can just literally ignore and carry on as normal.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:22 PM on December 24, 2018
This. Exactly. The ignoring of a Facebook friend request will make a difference in the triad of this relationship only if you choose to make it so. Because this is a complete non-event you can just literally ignore and carry on as normal.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:22 PM on December 24, 2018
My Brother-In-Law still hasn't added me on Facebook and I've known him for 20 years. He likes me just fine. No idea why he hasn't added me, he just hasn't. Some people have weird criteria for their Facebook friends. Some people don't get on Facebook very often, my husband checks his page about twice a year. If you were waiting for him to add you you'd be waiting a very long time.
The point I'm trying to make is that Facebook is not real life. It's an app. Don't put too much stock in it. Unless this guy is showing some kind of real life animosity to you, don't be so quick to think that he doesn't like you.
posted by TooFewShoes at 4:31 PM on December 24, 2018
The point I'm trying to make is that Facebook is not real life. It's an app. Don't put too much stock in it. Unless this guy is showing some kind of real life animosity to you, don't be so quick to think that he doesn't like you.
posted by TooFewShoes at 4:31 PM on December 24, 2018
I'm agreeing with many posters above..this is really nothing to get upset or concerned over. He may be keeping a tight tab on his friends. I know I have received friend requests from people I actually like, but for whatever reason I don't need to see them pop up on Facebook all the time, so I have ignored the requests. Your relationship with A has been moving along smoothly; be happy for that.
posted by annieb at 6:04 PM on December 25, 2018
posted by annieb at 6:04 PM on December 25, 2018
it's fine for a husband not to want to hang out with his wife and her friend, and vice versa. SOs don't have to have all the same friends, or even like the friends of the other person. It's healthy to have separate parts of your life. enjoy your time with A and don't worry about B.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:40 AM on December 26, 2018
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:40 AM on December 26, 2018
Ignore FB, people use it (or more and more these days, don't) in wildly different ways, it's impossible to read those tea leaves.
A thought I had was that it'd be useful to know your dynamic with A. For example, if you're a straight male B might see you as a potential rival, even though that may be the farthest thing from your mind. OTOH if you're a straight woman is he Mike Pence-ing the situation? If you're gay maybe he's just a little homophobic?
All in all I think you just let it sit where it is. You and B are standoffish but friendly, it's not interfering with your friendship with A really, leave it alone. You can't MAKE someone like you and that's just part of life, pushing will only make matters worse.
posted by axiom at 7:13 PM on December 26, 2018
A thought I had was that it'd be useful to know your dynamic with A. For example, if you're a straight male B might see you as a potential rival, even though that may be the farthest thing from your mind. OTOH if you're a straight woman is he Mike Pence-ing the situation? If you're gay maybe he's just a little homophobic?
All in all I think you just let it sit where it is. You and B are standoffish but friendly, it's not interfering with your friendship with A really, leave it alone. You can't MAKE someone like you and that's just part of life, pushing will only make matters worse.
posted by axiom at 7:13 PM on December 26, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
If the only sign he doesn't like you is that you haven't been friended on FB, I would say that is not a sign of anything at all. Go on as before as if you'd never friended him.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:21 PM on December 23, 2018 [32 favorites]