Should you tell someone they’ve made you uncomfortable?
November 25, 2018 2:32 AM Subscribe
An ex crossed the line professionally a couple of weeks ago. Then 2 days ago, he texted hello and suggested hanging out, perhaps out of politeness. So it appears that he thinks everything is fine. However, I was upset and uncomfortable by the incident. Should I bring it up? How do I bring it up? Since we work in the same field, some friends mentioned that his response could make things worse so I shouldn't say anything. That's not surprising. My field is full of people smiling when they don't mean it. Any advice or personal stories?
My ex was upset at me and did something that affected my professional life. But I'm worried that telling him he was inappropriate will cause him to retaliate again. I could pay an even bigger price.
We don't work together but my field is small and run-ins do occur. I want things to be friendly and a common response is to act like things are fine during the run-in and just be "too busy" to ever meet again. It surprised me how many people did that, even people in higher positions. But is it my obligation to speak up for others? People don't always see the power they hold so they can't see how they misuse it either. Has this or something similar happened to anyone else? What did you do?
My ex was upset at me and did something that affected my professional life. But I'm worried that telling him he was inappropriate will cause him to retaliate again. I could pay an even bigger price.
We don't work together but my field is small and run-ins do occur. I want things to be friendly and a common response is to act like things are fine during the run-in and just be "too busy" to ever meet again. It surprised me how many people did that, even people in higher positions. But is it my obligation to speak up for others? People don't always see the power they hold so they can't see how they misuse it either. Has this or something similar happened to anyone else? What did you do?
Unfortunately exes know where to put the blade where it doesn't hit the ribs, and he was a shit for doing so, and making your life more difficult.
Because of the small community, any response will be magnified by 100 and examined by 1000.
That would make it bad for you, but hopefully your lack of comment will magnify his own asshole-ishness, and speak more about him than yourself.
The blade can cut both ways.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 4:51 AM on November 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Because of the small community, any response will be magnified by 100 and examined by 1000.
That would make it bad for you, but hopefully your lack of comment will magnify his own asshole-ishness, and speak more about him than yourself.
The blade can cut both ways.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 4:51 AM on November 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Sorry, are you considering talking to him directly for his sake, or for yours?
If it’s for his sake, because you have the mistaken impression he didn’t know what he was doing: no. He knew exactly what he was doing. That’s why he texted you; it wasn’t because he thought everything was fine, it’s — at best — because he feels, deep down, he did something wrong and he wants to stop worrying or feeling badly about it. Getting you to hang out like things are fine is one way of validating and exonerating him. (“Oh she still wants to hang out, it’s fine.”)
If it’s for your sake: maybe? I don’t think you’ve told us enough. Possibly you can’t tell us enough. I’d say write a letter. Possibly several letters? And then never send them. Maybe show them to your therapist. Maybe after letting it settle for a while you’ll decide talking to him is still worth it for you, but the odds are it won’t be. Either way, let it settle until you are ready to do what you want — not when you’re reacting to his ask for your emotional labor.
In terms of practical advice: blow this guy off in the sweetest, most plausibly deniable way forever and ever. This is a defensive measure that he’s forced you to use. Do not engage him beyond that.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:04 AM on November 25, 2018 [13 favorites]
If it’s for his sake, because you have the mistaken impression he didn’t know what he was doing: no. He knew exactly what he was doing. That’s why he texted you; it wasn’t because he thought everything was fine, it’s — at best — because he feels, deep down, he did something wrong and he wants to stop worrying or feeling badly about it. Getting you to hang out like things are fine is one way of validating and exonerating him. (“Oh she still wants to hang out, it’s fine.”)
If it’s for your sake: maybe? I don’t think you’ve told us enough. Possibly you can’t tell us enough. I’d say write a letter. Possibly several letters? And then never send them. Maybe show them to your therapist. Maybe after letting it settle for a while you’ll decide talking to him is still worth it for you, but the odds are it won’t be. Either way, let it settle until you are ready to do what you want — not when you’re reacting to his ask for your emotional labor.
In terms of practical advice: blow this guy off in the sweetest, most plausibly deniable way forever and ever. This is a defensive measure that he’s forced you to use. Do not engage him beyond that.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:04 AM on November 25, 2018 [13 favorites]
Him: ‘Hello Tofukiller007. Want to hang out as friends?’
You: ‘Hello X. No, thank you’
You already ‘hang out’ as much as you can handle, at work, and you don’t owe him a social life, nor explanations.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:12 AM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
You: ‘Hello X. No, thank you’
You already ‘hang out’ as much as you can handle, at work, and you don’t owe him a social life, nor explanations.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:12 AM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Take the energy you would put into managing this ex/situation and put it into networking in your field - reconnect or connect with one person. Revenge is sweet.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:28 AM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 7:28 AM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ugh, I hate situations like this, where someone makes me uncomfortable and then I can't talk back or make it right. It feels like they still have the power in the situation. Unfortunately, it sounds like doing so would just make things worse for you. As much as it sucks, just moving on and being too busy to hang out might be the best route to take.
posted by christinetheslp at 8:06 AM on November 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by christinetheslp at 8:06 AM on November 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
Normally I'd say you should speak up to ensure the behavior doesn't happen again and to set a boundary, but it sounds like you and the people who know your situation best think that speaking up won't set a line and could actually spur him on to create more trouble for you. Sounds like there is sufficient enough risk to just move on and do your best to ignore whatever happened.
> But is it my obligation to speak up for others? People don't always see the power they hold so they can't see how they misuse it either.
It's not your obligation, particularly when it puts your own career at risk and there's no evidence that speaking up will actually fix anything for anyone, yourself included. The only reason you give here for wanting to speak up is the above quote, a sense that you can change the culture in your field. I very much doubt you have the power to make people see and change their behavior, especially your ex. I wouldn't put your career at risk trying.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:59 AM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
> But is it my obligation to speak up for others? People don't always see the power they hold so they can't see how they misuse it either.
It's not your obligation, particularly when it puts your own career at risk and there's no evidence that speaking up will actually fix anything for anyone, yourself included. The only reason you give here for wanting to speak up is the above quote, a sense that you can change the culture in your field. I very much doubt you have the power to make people see and change their behavior, especially your ex. I wouldn't put your career at risk trying.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:59 AM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
It wasn't an accident, it was hostility. If you mention it to him, be assertive and tell him to cut it the hell out. If he does it again, tell him publicly that he's being hostile and to cut it out.
posted by theora55 at 1:48 PM on November 25, 2018
posted by theora55 at 1:48 PM on November 25, 2018
It would really be helpful to know what he did that affected your professional life. But lacking that info... Either don't give him the satisfaction of having one second of your attention and don't respond at all, or give him the least amount and simply say "Do not contact me."
posted by at at 7:08 PM on November 25, 2018
posted by at at 7:08 PM on November 25, 2018
My ex was upset at me and did something that affected my professional life. But I'm worried that telling him he was inappropriate will cause him to retaliate again. I could pay an even bigger price.
It sounds like he did this thing purposely to hurt you. He wants a reaction from you. Bringing it up will presumably give him more satisfaction, won’t prevent future such actions, and could result in him causing further harm. This person is dangerous to you. I’d avoid talking to him and politely demure any attempts on his part to interact.
posted by JenMarie at 9:40 PM on November 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
It sounds like he did this thing purposely to hurt you. He wants a reaction from you. Bringing it up will presumably give him more satisfaction, won’t prevent future such actions, and could result in him causing further harm. This person is dangerous to you. I’d avoid talking to him and politely demure any attempts on his part to interact.
posted by JenMarie at 9:40 PM on November 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
It should also probably be said that your ex being upset with you and then doing something to harm you professionally is actually abusive. And you should treat it as such.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:29 AM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by schadenfrau at 7:29 AM on November 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the replies everyone! MetaFilter is amazing.
This has definitely been a very stressful but revealing experience. The situation even lead to some convos with a very sweet friend who admitted that he pursued a young staffer at work for weeks. Until her cease and desist letter arrived. He devoted his career to getting housing for low income people and is so open minded in many ways, however, he had no idea she was upset and still struggles to understand how being around her that much made her uncomfortable.
So, I don’t think my ex really understand how much this has impacted me but it matters a lot less now. Coming to terms with what happened hasn’t been easy but I’m not dead yet so I’m going to keep on working. Your responses have really helped me move forward and refocus this energy on other things.
posted by tofukiller007 at 10:28 PM on December 26, 2018
This has definitely been a very stressful but revealing experience. The situation even lead to some convos with a very sweet friend who admitted that he pursued a young staffer at work for weeks. Until her cease and desist letter arrived. He devoted his career to getting housing for low income people and is so open minded in many ways, however, he had no idea she was upset and still struggles to understand how being around her that much made her uncomfortable.
So, I don’t think my ex really understand how much this has impacted me but it matters a lot less now. Coming to terms with what happened hasn’t been easy but I’m not dead yet so I’m going to keep on working. Your responses have really helped me move forward and refocus this energy on other things.
posted by tofukiller007 at 10:28 PM on December 26, 2018
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Next time you see him, smile, nod, move on. He knows what he did. You know what he did, and really, if your field is that small and he is inappropriate, he is the one who should be concerned about getting a bad reputation, and who knows, maybe that's why he's trying to pretend like everything's fine. Right now you have one over him. It's not the worst position to be in.
posted by Jubey at 2:59 AM on November 25, 2018 [5 favorites]