No means no
June 16, 2008 5:23 PM Subscribe
How to nicely but firmly tell someone I am completely and totally uninterested romantically and at this point, pretty averse to friendship, too?
posted by Phire to human relations (27 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Through pure coincidence, I met a guy at work who works in a different section of the building but for the same overall organization. Initially, we emailed each other a lot - we're both summer students, Outlook is pretty much the only entertainment available to us when it's a slow day. I got a bit wary when it got a bit too obvious even to my dense mind that he was flirting, so I looked him up on - what else - Facebook. He has a girlfriend. Good! I thought, he's just one of those people who're naturally flirty. Now I can make another friend without worrying about weird signals. At this point I had already mentioned my boyfriend several times. I figure I'm in the clear.
Anyway. Long story short, we ended up going to see a movie together (my initiative, after I told him that both my boyfriend and my best friend bailed on me for that day), grabbed a bite to eat, chatted a bit more in earnest. I mention the boyfriend again - yes, I'm pretty paranoid by this point - so he asks me the standard question about him (2.5 years, living together with other housemates, etc).
"Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I've got this girlfriend... but I don't really like her, and I'm thinking of breaking up with her soon."
What follows are flimsy excuses to take the same bus as me home, texting me to say he had a great time, trying to get me to go have dinner with him some time, inviting me to hang out several times over the past two week, boasting about his amazing baking and how he needs to bring me something, and drunk texting over the weekend. I've ignored the texts if I could do so without feeling like a major bitch (e.g. if the texts were fairly innocuous), I've turned down all invitations to hang out with "yeah, no, plans with the boyfriend/second job/parents" type deals, I turned the dinner into a lunch at work and had the boyfriend come along, etc.
And so it goes on. Now for all I know he's not interested in me romantically, either, and this is all in my egotistical head. But my paranoia and general dislike of his occasionally arrogant personality mean that I'm really not interested in hanging out with him. Or talking to him, really, though I wouldn't mind talking to him if only for the sake of not burning bridges and networking and all that.
I think I've been pretty damn that I'm not interested in furthering the 'friendship'. How can I get him to back off short of openly saying "Hey, buddy, sorry but I don't really want to hang out outside of work."? Normally I'm okay with confrontations, but in this case it can be argued that he hasn't really done anything wrong and thus this sort of statement is uncalled for?
Furthermore, I'm 19, he's 22. I don't exactly think that sort of statement goes over well with my demographic.