Being inside your home or outside "in the world" - is it normal to make this split in life?

January 29, 2012 12:31 PM

Being inside your home or outside "in the world" - is it normal to make this split in life?

I've always had some struggle with my inner self and the "outer world". The way you will have to adapt to the outside world, and still feel most comfortable within your own four walls. When I'm home more than a few days, only me and gf for example, I tend to get tired of it, and feel that if I don't go out I'll loose any touch with the social world. But I also feel that this is the "real" me, at home, and that the social outside world is, sometimes exciting, but mostly NOT who I am. I've had this split view since I was very young. An example is when the phone is calling, and I've been by myself for a day or so: Suddenly I can't bare to take it and talk, cause I feel like I'm back to "pretending" to actually have anything to say. The conversation is then merely formal, before I pick up the phone, but most of the times, I get sucked into the social logic of communication, and suddenly the "pretense" feels like "bonding" with the "outside world" again. There's this conflict going on non-stop, where I either feel relaxed in my home, just us, or me, and then the need to go "outside" and try "the world" again; it seems to me like most people, if not all that I know, don't have this "split" view of their life: They seem more or less consistent in their personality when it comes to this; I seem to struggle with this notion of not having anything to communicate or say, after I've been "outside" for a certain time, feeling as if I pretending something all along, as if the communication and talk was for "their" sake, and getting tired of it again, starting a new period of the "real me" with being in our apartment and just not feeling like talking to anyone. It's like I am a split person: One - that often feels like pretense - in society, acting along, doing all the tasks and dialog, and socializing, having the socalled troubles of a regular "person IN society" that can fill up a million lifestimes if you let it - and then the "real me", that has this view that the struggles and conversations of the outside world aren't really mine, yet everyone seems to be forced into it and when they call me, I'm invited back in. As if there's a "their me" and a "me me". This conflict is worse when I get to periods where the "me me" is my mental state but the situation is based on "their me" terms - in those cases I shut down communication and when I look inside the real "me me" it's blank, cause there's nothing if I'm TRUE to myself.

But there's a disharmony in this world view. I am constantly in some sort of crisis, and I'm sure it's because of this. This shutting in myself must mean something, this sort of "pretense despair" when in this situations, MUST mean something. I don't consider myself more enlightened than my friends, yet I don't feel that they have this "problem" of being totally blank inside - this consciousness of communication. The funny thing is, there can be weeks where I feel integrated in "the outside world", and there's no contact with this seperation of the two, yet I somehow always manage to find back to it, and feel that it's an important aspect of reality.

The most interesting aspect to me is, that this exact, "inner reality" is awakened when I'm reading good literature. The beauty of any artform also speaks to this side of me, both the light, and the very dark works. Music too. All this is experienced through this "ME", and it seems like all this beauty and extasy from art, literature, music, etc. always get watered down to social falseness when confronted with the "outer world".

Hope this makes sense, what do you make out of it?

posted by Lotsofcoffee to Society & Culture (17 answers total)

it seems to me like most people, if not all that I know, don't have this "split" view of their life: They seem more or less consistent in their personality when it comes to this

Every time someone is talking to you, they're putting on their public face. I bet you dollars to donuts that the majority of people you interact with thing the same thing about you --you'll always seem consistent and the same to them.

What you're describing is not some psychological flaw in you. You're describing something that is fundamental to what it means to be human. There is a considerable amount of literature on what "the self" is and, in recent years, a lot of it is skeptical. In other words, a fair number of psychologists and philosophers have come to the conclusion that there is no REAL self, but, instead, a number of different systems through which an individual interacts with situations. Who a person is may very well be shaped and structured by the social context they are in.

Here's a simplistic example: when I'm with my boyfriend, I tell stupid jokes, I make ridiculous noises for no reason, and (I'll admit it) I fart. When I'm in my work setting, I don't joke around very much, I don't randomly make noises, and I don't fart. From what you're saying, it sounds like you would want to ask this question: who is the real meese, the farter or the non-farter? But, the thing is, I'm both, depending on context. Neither is "more real" than the other; instead, how I behave and act is just different in two different settings.

This doesn't mean, of course, that there's nothing you are worried about. It's very clear you are indeed really worried, that you definitely find yourself suffering anxiety over how you are in different settings. What I suggest is that you try to find a new way of conceptualizing the anxiety you're feeling. Don't ask, "What is the REAL me?" Instead ask, "Why do I get so stressed out when I have to go out in the world, after being alone for so long?" Ask, "Why do I feel like I'm fake when I'm around other people?" These questions do have answers. Finding those answers can help you live a happier life.

I'm not going to try to answer those questions for you. I don't know what the answers are, for you. But if I were to ask those questions about myself (and I can, because they describe what I feel a lot of the time), here would be my answer: because I struggle a lot with social anxiety, and I worry about how others are judging me; because I suffer from depression, and oftentimes people who suffer from depression describe what they feel as a blankness or an emptiness inside. I wouldn't be surprised if you may end up having very similar answers to mine.
posted by meese at 12:54 PM on January 29, 2012 [12 favorites]

Just about everyone acts "the real way" at home. Thank G
posted by michaelh at 12:57 PM on January 29, 2012

...od for homes for that reason. This is normal outside of your dwelling on it so much. Also, try to find some reading pals -- seems like your social circle doesn't share enough of your interests.
posted by michaelh at 12:58 PM on January 29, 2012

This may not help, but I look at stuff like this as Made Up BullShit In Your Mind (MUBSIYM). There's productive MUBSIYM and unproductive MUBSIYM. The goal is to create more positive MUBSIYM in your life, but at the end of the day, it is all just made up bullshit in your mind no matter how real it feels.

From what I'm reading, you happen to be comfortable in the MUBSIYM that comes with hangin' at home readin' a book or rocking out in reverie. This is normal. Dealing with people means interacting with a complex universe of your MUBSIYM and everyone else's MUBSITM. (made up bullshit in THIER minds), which is stressful, and normal.

There also may be multifaceted parts of your MUBSIYM that require discrete, separate environments in order to function optimally, AKA multi-verses of MUBSIYM...

The fact is, you get to decide who you are, you are the captain of who you wanna be, and you can be whatever you want whenever you want however you want and you don't owe shit to anyone when it comes to that. So, you can be okay with being a complex individual with multiple aspects of who you are, and accept the nuances that come with that, or you can keep fighting yourself and pretending like you have this problem. Good or bad thoughts, it's all just MUBSIYM, see? Do what feels productive and good, and let go of the MUBSIYM that feels unproductive and bad.

Now, that's all way easier said than done, I get that. The real thrust of this question I'm reading here is "why do I have this anxiety?" Find the source of the anxiety and release it. Love yourself, be yourself, whatever that is. It may require a combination of grounded thinking and medicine, but you do need to work on this and see it through to a point where you can bridge the schism and move freely between both without getting hung up in head loops.
posted by roboton666 at 1:04 PM on January 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

I can't help noticing that your username is Lotsofcoffee; I tend to get stuck in these bizarre mental loops when I've been drinking too much of it, and I experience the same thing you mentioned with art speaking to me.
posted by Joe Chip at 1:08 PM on January 29, 2012

There's some philosophy and related theory on this sort of thing, often under the heading of "facework" (from the idea of "saving face," as in Chinese culture). It examines how we present different public faces (colloquially, you can be two-faced, if one of your faces is a jerk -- the idea is all over human culture) at different time and in different situations.

I don't know a lot about it but it might provide fruitful reading for you ... if you start here with "sociology," there's also a little bit on "communication" below it.

It's substantially weirder to be "the same person" all the time in all situations ... thinking about it very briefly will show you how it'd be inappropriate to behave the same way to your mother, your child, your S.O., a new acquaintance ... different situations call for different behaviors. There's a balance between living with integrity (being the same person) and behaving appropriately to the situation (wearing different masks).

Since it's bothering you I think it's obviously worth spending some time and energy on.

Also, possibly: "All this is experienced through this "ME", and it seems like all this beauty and extasy from art, literature, music, etc. always get watered down to social falseness when confronted with the "outer world". " you may need more interesting friends with whom you can share things and not feel false. Sometimes being super-conscious of your public persona is a function of having to work really hard to maintain it because you're not very comfortable with the people you're with.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:10 PM on January 29, 2012

Erving Goffman's The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, despite published over 60 years ago, is still in my opinion the best and most thought-provoking inquiry into these issues.

(Except maybe for Montaigne's!)
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:27 PM on January 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

This shutting in myself must mean something

It means you live in your head. It's okay to do that and to be your own self. Stop worrying.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 1:35 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for the replies and thank for the book recommendations, I'll definately check out those works.

I'm well aware that this is a general human condition, but for some reason the border between the self and the world doesn't seem as problematic with others as with me. I feel the change as soon as I leave home. And as soon as I enter home again; and this duality is what's troubling me, not in itself, but because it's exhausting on an emotional level.

My friends and I share a lot of common interests, like philosophy, literature, movies, etc. and I've spoken to them about these matters before. But somehow it seems like talking about talking, or something similar - at length, it's pointless, if you want to be in the moment. It can only help so far.

Perhaps I'm depressed and I do have some social anxiety - but I'm sure that those are also symptoms of some misunderstanding or similar that I have. I know that everyone suffers from something, one way or the other, and there can always be some kind of unhappiness found in anyone.

Perhaps, I should stop searching for a harmony between the different "masks", and just accept that situations create them. Still, there are masks where I feel close to others, and there are masks where I feel like I'm having fun and don't give a shit, masks where it's serious business, etc. etc. And the main issue is that sometimes the "feel close to others" mask gets buried in a stack of other masks, and sometimes it takes too long time to find it.
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 1:55 PM on January 29, 2012

This is normal. The difference between you and everyone else is that you spend more time thinking about this than most people, perhaps because you are introverted and have some social anxiety issues.

I agree with meese that the more productive framing is to figure out how to deal with your stress/anxiety issues.
posted by J. Wilson at 1:59 PM on January 29, 2012 [4 favorites]

What your talking about isn't abnormal, but most people express it differently. They talk about things like "etiquette", being able to "read a room", and "social skills." At the same time, it's natural to have some sort of activity that makes you feel like "the real you."

But based on this and your last question, it does sound like you are simply anxious in social situations: you repeatedly refer to times when you're out with friends as a "formal situation," which is the way I'd describe the meeting with a CEO or dignitary. Social skills are "skills", like anything else, and if they're not well-developed to the point where they're second nature, approaching them can seem nerve-wracking, much like riding a bicycle would be if you hardly ever do it and tried to avoid it.

The idea of "masks" and the "false face" are usually agonized over by literary analysts. For most of us, it's as meese describes where we have "a number of different systems through which an individual interacts with situations."

Is part of this some kind of extreme lack of self-confidence, where when you go out in public you constantly feel like you have to "hide" yourself, lest you be called out?
posted by deanc at 3:47 PM on January 29, 2012

The talk of masks actually reminds me a lot of someone I know with asperger's. Something to think about. (And, your idea that depression and anxiety, if you have them, could be caused by misunderstandings you have -- that's really not how it works.)
posted by J. Wilson at 4:12 PM on January 29, 2012

You sound like me. I would definitely say I've always had "social anxiety", and a doctor once diagnosed me as suffering from General Anxiety Disorder. But ... whatever ... it's me. I don't take any medication for it. It's not debilitating, it's just who I am. Getting out and going to those "formal" events can be tiring and overwhelming, but you grin and bare it and politely excuse yourself after a couple of hours.

[I've gotta go to a huge religious orthodox wedding next month... my idea of hell on earth, but I will go]

But yes, like others have said, maybe you need to find some friends you can socialise with in a manner that is closer to the "real you". I have dear friends I can go and see and just crash on their couch and play Xbox with them (or their kids) or watch movies, and not necessarily feel the need to talk my arse off for hours. But if I do want to talk my arse off, they're usually happy to listen. Maybe you already have those friends, and haven't realised it yet. Or maybe you still have to find them.

In summary: There's nothing abnormal about feeling the way you are feeling. I would say you just have to accept that's who you are and find a balance.

Good luck :)
posted by Diag at 6:08 PM on January 29, 2012

This doesn't sound like a serious problem or something you need to worry about. Everybody acts differently among different people and in different situations, and usually the way you act at home with people you're very familiar with feels the most like "you" because your brain isn't thinking about how you "should" be acting.

As others have mentioned you may have some underlying social anxiety issues that are causing you to think about this kind of thing more than others.
posted by Defenestrator at 1:28 AM on January 30, 2012

I feel the change as soon as I leave home. And as soon as I enter home again; and this duality is what's troubling me, not in itself, but because it's exhausting on an emotional level...
Perhaps, I should stop searching for a harmony between the different "masks", and just accept that situations create them.

Maybe it would help if you thought of them as different parts of you rather than someone you pretend to be. I mean, if you really think about it there is no one unified self: a true, concrete, objective, timeless way you are with yourself and everyone else.
Situations don't necessarily create "masks", they create different selves, different ways of being.
For example, the part of me when having sex/dancing/arguing with someone else can never come into existence on its own. It's not a mask. But who I am in that situation can only manifest itself when that situation comes into being.
Which is why other people are a great way of learning about ourselves: they reveal aspects of ourselves hitherto unknown (and the opportunity to grow/change because of the insight).

I would say being all sorts of different people in different situations is normal, if normal matters. Some people choose to compartmentalise their different selves, others choose to keep them interacting or to be transparent about being er, self-contradictory. Maybe being more explicit about other aspects of 'you' will help you feel less like you're deceiving someone, yourself or others when you're out and about being someone else.
posted by mkdirusername at 1:47 AM on January 30, 2012

Response by poster: I guess I'm just what shrinks name "a highly sensitive person" which is around 15% of a normal population. So the mainstream society isn't as sensitive so that's why I get the feeling of "me and the others".
posted by Lotsofcoffee at 3:39 AM on February 1, 2012

Could it be that you are hiding your real opinions and reactions from your friends for fear that they will not like you? I used to hang out with a bunch of people who I really admired but had way different interests. I started to feel like I had to put up a social facade after awhile, and eventually realized I had to accept that we just didn't have enough in common to be friends. Having a "social self" is something that everyone needs and is draining for everyone, so I think most people try to find friends with whom that facade is unnecessary. It puzzles me, for example, that you have pretend on the phone when you dont have to pretend during conversations with your girlfriend. Find more people who get whatever mind vomit you spew after being shut up at home for days!
posted by michelle lightning at 12:37 AM on February 3, 2012