How to (literally? metaphorically?) get rid of emotional baggage?
October 12, 2018 5:11 PM Subscribe
I was in a rather unpleasant relationship from my late teens to my mid 20s, and I think the ghost of that relationship still haunts me although it's been 6 years since it's ended. How do I deal with it in practical terms? Special snowflakes inside ...
So the relationship in question was my first one; it started during the last year of high school and lasted for 8.5 years, of which we lived together for the last 4. In hindsight, the relationship was never that great, but we got together too young to know any better. The last two years were the lowest point; he fell in love with a younger, prettier, more vivacious girl at his work (she didn't return his affections but liked his attention and became his "work wife"), of which he tried to hide from me. We fought a lot over those two years; he would tell me that it is normal for people to be friends and hang out with girls that they find sexually/physically attractive. He would tell his coworkers that I'm crazy and jealous, and that if I was bothered by his attraction to her, I should work on myself to improve myself/fight for him. It ended finally when I gave up after he wanted to go alone with her to a party out of town and stay overnight there together. After that, we had to live together for a few weeks until we found new apartments, the highlight being when he came home completely drunk one night and told me how he was sorry that he lied to me for 2 years, that he never loved me the way he loved her, and that he wanted to kill himself because the pain of unrequited love was overwhelming. I took care of him that night out of duty, but I think it left me with a lot of resentment and anger.
That said, the relationship was abusive from both our ends. I was angry at him, and didn't really know how to constructively express it at the time, and I'd remind him of his inadequacies and insecurities to hurt him.
So now, 6 years and 2 additional relationships later, I think the baggage from that relationship still hangs over me like a knife waiting to drop. With my most recent relationship, he unfortunately had some common traits to the first ex (both were intellectuals, liked to have the last word, were sensitive to criticism) and he would sometimes trigger anger responses in me, and I think I took out my pain/anger from the first relationship on him (and also to some extent, the second ex). I don't think these two later relationships would have worked anyway, but neither of them deserved to have the ghost of my first relationship hanging out with us.
I've deleted all the pictures of the first ex from my computer, and ripped up all his cards and letters years ago. I still have some gifts from him, but I don't really feel much from them, although I suppose if you have any ideas of how I can get rid of some jewelry (the pawn shop didn't offer much, so I never sold them) and a watch, that'd be cool. It's just I know I have this baggage, and I just want to be free of it. I also feel like my self worth has been damaged by him, after all these years. Sometimes I feel like I want to find him in person and kick him in the balls, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal, and I'd end up in jail. So. If you have any practical ideas for getting rid of baggage/finding a sense of self worth, I'd like to know!
So the relationship in question was my first one; it started during the last year of high school and lasted for 8.5 years, of which we lived together for the last 4. In hindsight, the relationship was never that great, but we got together too young to know any better. The last two years were the lowest point; he fell in love with a younger, prettier, more vivacious girl at his work (she didn't return his affections but liked his attention and became his "work wife"), of which he tried to hide from me. We fought a lot over those two years; he would tell me that it is normal for people to be friends and hang out with girls that they find sexually/physically attractive. He would tell his coworkers that I'm crazy and jealous, and that if I was bothered by his attraction to her, I should work on myself to improve myself/fight for him. It ended finally when I gave up after he wanted to go alone with her to a party out of town and stay overnight there together. After that, we had to live together for a few weeks until we found new apartments, the highlight being when he came home completely drunk one night and told me how he was sorry that he lied to me for 2 years, that he never loved me the way he loved her, and that he wanted to kill himself because the pain of unrequited love was overwhelming. I took care of him that night out of duty, but I think it left me with a lot of resentment and anger.
That said, the relationship was abusive from both our ends. I was angry at him, and didn't really know how to constructively express it at the time, and I'd remind him of his inadequacies and insecurities to hurt him.
So now, 6 years and 2 additional relationships later, I think the baggage from that relationship still hangs over me like a knife waiting to drop. With my most recent relationship, he unfortunately had some common traits to the first ex (both were intellectuals, liked to have the last word, were sensitive to criticism) and he would sometimes trigger anger responses in me, and I think I took out my pain/anger from the first relationship on him (and also to some extent, the second ex). I don't think these two later relationships would have worked anyway, but neither of them deserved to have the ghost of my first relationship hanging out with us.
I've deleted all the pictures of the first ex from my computer, and ripped up all his cards and letters years ago. I still have some gifts from him, but I don't really feel much from them, although I suppose if you have any ideas of how I can get rid of some jewelry (the pawn shop didn't offer much, so I never sold them) and a watch, that'd be cool. It's just I know I have this baggage, and I just want to be free of it. I also feel like my self worth has been damaged by him, after all these years. Sometimes I feel like I want to find him in person and kick him in the balls, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal, and I'd end up in jail. So. If you have any practical ideas for getting rid of baggage/finding a sense of self worth, I'd like to know!
I'll let others here handle the emotional aspect of this question. Now, the jewelry. If it is gold or silver or a precious metal, take it to a jeweler, not a pawn shop, and sell it. They will (or should) pay you per ounce for the value of the metal. Unlike most pawn shops, jewelers know how to fix and polish items to get a higher return on them. In my area, though, neither pawnbrokers nor jewelers are interested in gems unless they are diamonds. So either expect to give gems to whomever you sell the metal, or pry them out of their settings and find another use for them.
Then take the money and buy yourself something you like and enjoy. Or donate it to a charity.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 5:57 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Then take the money and buy yourself something you like and enjoy. Or donate it to a charity.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 5:57 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Take up a rigorous exercise practice and physically work this out of your system.
Google “somatic healing” or “somatic therapy” to get more info on how the nervouysystem holds on to patterns (like relationship dynamics) and how to release those and reset your mind and body.
Here’s some information on a quick 6 min mind/body meditation that is being studied at Universities and is extremely effective for what you are seeking to do.
posted by jbenben at 9:29 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
Google “somatic healing” or “somatic therapy” to get more info on how the nervouysystem holds on to patterns (like relationship dynamics) and how to release those and reset your mind and body.
Here’s some information on a quick 6 min mind/body meditation that is being studied at Universities and is extremely effective for what you are seeking to do.
posted by jbenben at 9:29 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
For reasons I don't fully understand, what helps me is figuring out my part in the psycho-drama and owning it. It sounds like you've already made some headway in this regard.
posted by xammerboy at 10:49 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by xammerboy at 10:49 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
(the pawn shop didn't offer much, so I never sold them)
I held on to a necklace for a couple years for the same reason. Eventually I realized that not only was it giving me zero value right now- pretty as it was, I was never going to wear it because of the baggage- I'd say it had negative value because it brought up bad feelings every time I handled it.
So finally I just took it to the pawn shop, got $40, bought myself a nice dinner, and never thought about it again until just now when you asked this question.
I recommend you do the same- whatever it sells for, if you can buy yourself so much as a nice beer for the money you get, you've come out ahead.
And if you take Hubris's advice above about going to a jeweler over a pawn shop then maybe you'll do a lot better than I did!
posted by robotdevil at 1:30 PM on October 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
I held on to a necklace for a couple years for the same reason. Eventually I realized that not only was it giving me zero value right now- pretty as it was, I was never going to wear it because of the baggage- I'd say it had negative value because it brought up bad feelings every time I handled it.
So finally I just took it to the pawn shop, got $40, bought myself a nice dinner, and never thought about it again until just now when you asked this question.
I recommend you do the same- whatever it sells for, if you can buy yourself so much as a nice beer for the money you get, you've come out ahead.
And if you take Hubris's advice above about going to a jeweler over a pawn shop then maybe you'll do a lot better than I did!
posted by robotdevil at 1:30 PM on October 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
The relationship was for a very considerable stretch of time and included a very formative period, so it seems natural that the "ghost" of your ex has been imprinted deeply into your brain.
A good run of talk therapy might be really helpful.
If the jewelry was a gift, then whatever price you get for it - you're ahead. I pitched a couple of emotionally charged items into Lake Ontario and have never regretted it.
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:10 AM on October 14, 2018
A good run of talk therapy might be really helpful.
If the jewelry was a gift, then whatever price you get for it - you're ahead. I pitched a couple of emotionally charged items into Lake Ontario and have never regretted it.
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:10 AM on October 14, 2018
Look, I know it’s a cliche around here but what you are trying to do is right up the alley of talk therapy.
If you’re looking for a place to start, why you chose a new partner with the same irritating traits as the old one is a question worth looking into.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:24 PM on October 14, 2018
If you’re looking for a place to start, why you chose a new partner with the same irritating traits as the old one is a question worth looking into.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:24 PM on October 14, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
And yes, definitely get rid of the jewelry/watch. Throw it in the river or give it away or leave it on an airplane or in the back of a cab, just get it out of your house!
posted by stellaluna at 5:20 PM on October 12, 2018 [14 favorites]