Quitting my job without feeling like a Judas
October 12, 2018 4:55 PM Subscribe
I'm in a situation where I may have a better job offer, but I feel like if I take it, I'd be both missing out on getting to be part of a cool organization (my current job with a new nonprofit organization) with potential and pulling the rug out from under my boss, clients, and co-workers. At the same time, it seems foolish to turn down a job that offers that when I'm perpetually worried about being able to pay my rent with what I'm bringing in.
I've quit many, many jobs over the years, yet the process is still agonizing, every time. I really hate feeling like I'm letting people down, especially if my managers are nice, like me on a personal level, and have invested time and energy into training me. I started volunteering my time with the organization I work for last year; I started working there as an employee a few months ago. It's a wonderful organization and the people involved are wonderful people. That said...I've quit two unrelated jobs in order to clear my schedule for this job, and then had clients back out for various reasons (I currently only get about 12-20 paid hours per week). My boss has my back and wants me to have more work, but there's only so much he can do. I do believe we will get more clients eventually, but I've become frustrated with the waiting, simply because I can't afford it without financial assistance from my family. I appreciate my folks both giving and loaning me "just until the job gets going" money, but I feel like it's irresponsible for me to continue living off them when I could be working full time and be responsible for my own bills and living expenses.
I've started applying for jobs (and hiding how uncomfortable I feel about leaving my current one) and...just had an excellent interview today, where they, seemingly, are waiting on me to make a final decision. Full time work, weekends off, better pay, benefits, and it sounds like it fits my interests and skill set better. I feel like if I don't take it (assuming it is a definite thing; I wouldn't leave my current job without an offer in hand), I'll start to resent my current job for "getting in the way" of an opportunity. It seems foolish to turn down opportunities for a full time career-type job out of a combination of loyalty and sunk cost fallacy, right? Again, I've talked to my endlessly patient and understanding boss about my desire for regular pay and regular work hours, but not that I've applied for other jobs.
I could suddenly get enough work next week at my current job (clients come and go constantly), but there's no guarantee, whereas if I take this other job, I'll make the same amount of money each pay period and actually be able to predict what my income will be, which, honestly, would be great for my mental health. Plus...I suspect I might actually like the job better, even if I don't like the organization as much. Thoughts on how to broach the subject with my boss gracefully, and leave without feeling like a monster?
I've quit many, many jobs over the years, yet the process is still agonizing, every time. I really hate feeling like I'm letting people down, especially if my managers are nice, like me on a personal level, and have invested time and energy into training me. I started volunteering my time with the organization I work for last year; I started working there as an employee a few months ago. It's a wonderful organization and the people involved are wonderful people. That said...I've quit two unrelated jobs in order to clear my schedule for this job, and then had clients back out for various reasons (I currently only get about 12-20 paid hours per week). My boss has my back and wants me to have more work, but there's only so much he can do. I do believe we will get more clients eventually, but I've become frustrated with the waiting, simply because I can't afford it without financial assistance from my family. I appreciate my folks both giving and loaning me "just until the job gets going" money, but I feel like it's irresponsible for me to continue living off them when I could be working full time and be responsible for my own bills and living expenses.
I've started applying for jobs (and hiding how uncomfortable I feel about leaving my current one) and...just had an excellent interview today, where they, seemingly, are waiting on me to make a final decision. Full time work, weekends off, better pay, benefits, and it sounds like it fits my interests and skill set better. I feel like if I don't take it (assuming it is a definite thing; I wouldn't leave my current job without an offer in hand), I'll start to resent my current job for "getting in the way" of an opportunity. It seems foolish to turn down opportunities for a full time career-type job out of a combination of loyalty and sunk cost fallacy, right? Again, I've talked to my endlessly patient and understanding boss about my desire for regular pay and regular work hours, but not that I've applied for other jobs.
I could suddenly get enough work next week at my current job (clients come and go constantly), but there's no guarantee, whereas if I take this other job, I'll make the same amount of money each pay period and actually be able to predict what my income will be, which, honestly, would be great for my mental health. Plus...I suspect I might actually like the job better, even if I don't like the organization as much. Thoughts on how to broach the subject with my boss gracefully, and leave without feeling like a monster?
Take the new job. Your old job will not hesitate to fire you if they can’t afford you. You are allowed to do the same. I’d they can’t pay you a living wage, you can take the job that does. It does not mean your current boss is a shitty person. But the new job comes with a known paycheck and benefits??! Dude, no-brainer!
posted by rtha at 5:05 PM on October 12, 2018 [27 favorites]
posted by rtha at 5:05 PM on October 12, 2018 [27 favorites]
Ok, so first of all, you are going to be a happier person in life if you figure out how to get some emotional distance from your job. Obviously, you want a job that you like and that feels meaningful, and you want to be invested in the success of the endeavor. But it's a job: you have a mutually-beneficial contractual relationship with your employer. You don't love them. They aren't your family. It's fine to stick with your family and close friends through thick and thin: that's what you do with the people you love. But you don't have that kind of relationship with your employer. If your employer is having a lean time and can't pay you enough to live on, then you find another job. You have a mutually-beneficial contractual relationship, and they aren't living up to their side of the bargain.
I guess that I also have some ethical qualms about allowing your parents to pay the difference between your salary and a living wage. It's exploitative, to both you and your parents, and it's also unfair to potential employees whose wages aren't being subsidized by their families. It's one of the hidden class biases that keeps working-class (and even middle-middle-class) people out of the non-profit sector. Your current employer needs to figure out how to pay their workers a living wage, or they need to realize they're not viable and shut down. By allowing your parents to subsidize your work there, you are encouraging them to continue to engage in unethical business practices that have real consequences. So stop doing that and take the new job, which sounds like in many respects it would be a better job anyway. And then donate some money to your current organization, to let them know that you still value and respect what they do.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:10 PM on October 12, 2018 [13 favorites]
I guess that I also have some ethical qualms about allowing your parents to pay the difference between your salary and a living wage. It's exploitative, to both you and your parents, and it's also unfair to potential employees whose wages aren't being subsidized by their families. It's one of the hidden class biases that keeps working-class (and even middle-middle-class) people out of the non-profit sector. Your current employer needs to figure out how to pay their workers a living wage, or they need to realize they're not viable and shut down. By allowing your parents to subsidize your work there, you are encouraging them to continue to engage in unethical business practices that have real consequences. So stop doing that and take the new job, which sounds like in many respects it would be a better job anyway. And then donate some money to your current organization, to let them know that you still value and respect what they do.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:10 PM on October 12, 2018 [13 favorites]
I have worked in the nonprofit world for almost two decades, part of the time as a manager. I totally get why you feel this way, but you have nothing to apologize for. A decent boss understands that people will leave, especially if they're not getting paid enough.
This is what I have used as a template script in similar situations and it's worked well: "Hey boss, I wanted to let you know that I've been offered another job and I decided to take it. I didn't make this decision easily because I love working for [ORGANIZATION] and have especially enjoyed our working relationship/appreciate all you've done for me/etc. But they made me a really solid offer and I accepted it."
And really, if the job is not full-time and can't guarantee you a certain number of hours or pay per week, they really don't owe you anything and should not have any expectation that you will stay. For instance, I've offered part-time, low-paid internships to a recent grads. I was excited to hire them, but also went into it knowing full well they'd leave as soon as they got a better offer. You are morally completely in the clear here.
posted by lunasol at 5:11 PM on October 12, 2018 [9 favorites]
This is what I have used as a template script in similar situations and it's worked well: "Hey boss, I wanted to let you know that I've been offered another job and I decided to take it. I didn't make this decision easily because I love working for [ORGANIZATION] and have especially enjoyed our working relationship/appreciate all you've done for me/etc. But they made me a really solid offer and I accepted it."
And really, if the job is not full-time and can't guarantee you a certain number of hours or pay per week, they really don't owe you anything and should not have any expectation that you will stay. For instance, I've offered part-time, low-paid internships to a recent grads. I was excited to hire them, but also went into it knowing full well they'd leave as soon as they got a better offer. You are morally completely in the clear here.
posted by lunasol at 5:11 PM on October 12, 2018 [9 favorites]
You can always make donations from the money you make at the new job to the non-profit if you truly believe in them.
posted by MountainDaisy at 5:27 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by MountainDaisy at 5:27 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
You owe it to yourself, your folks and your future family (husband/wife/children) to do better than what you are doing now. Take the new job and you can always have lunch with your old coworkers.
posted by eatcake at 5:36 PM on October 12, 2018
posted by eatcake at 5:36 PM on October 12, 2018
Look, your current job is obviously very important. However, it doesn't pay enough to live decently on. It should, but it simply doesn't. You have as much of a right to live decently as anyone else. Be proud of the work you have done, and now move on to the next chapter in your life. If we all did as much as you have, the world would be a damn sight nicer than it is.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:37 PM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:37 PM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
You aren't pulling the rug out from anyone. Your employer understands that you need a job that provides consistent pay and full-time employment that permits you to pay your rent. They understand that because that's what most everyone wants (yes, many people who have totally great reasons to ask for part-time work when it's their choice, but that still doesn't imply they want wildly inconsistent and unpredictable pay) and because you've specifically told your boss that it's what you need. Needing that doesn't make you a monster; it makes you a normal person with bills to pay.
They've failed to fulfill that utterly reasonable request. It doesn't matter that they're nice or have trained you; any employer understands that the logical consequence of not paying an employee enough to live on is that they'll look elsewhere. If they were willing and/or able to avert that situation before you found another job, they would have. I'm sorry that didn't happen.
posted by zachlipton at 6:17 PM on October 12, 2018 [6 favorites]
They've failed to fulfill that utterly reasonable request. It doesn't matter that they're nice or have trained you; any employer understands that the logical consequence of not paying an employee enough to live on is that they'll look elsewhere. If they were willing and/or able to avert that situation before you found another job, they would have. I'm sorry that didn't happen.
posted by zachlipton at 6:17 PM on October 12, 2018 [6 favorites]
Hi Boss, I need to tell you something. I've accepted another job. My start date is [date].
You've let then know you are not getting what you need to be stable and content at this job. They have not come through. They should not be at all surprised that someone not getting enough hours, pay or benefits is leaving.
My tendency is to be very loyal to my employers, and I've experienced repeatedly the realization that the loyalty is one-sided.
posted by bunderful at 6:46 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
You've let then know you are not getting what you need to be stable and content at this job. They have not come through. They should not be at all surprised that someone not getting enough hours, pay or benefits is leaving.
My tendency is to be very loyal to my employers, and I've experienced repeatedly the realization that the loyalty is one-sided.
posted by bunderful at 6:46 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is not even a question. Take the new job, give notice, everybody will deal. You do not owe this job any more of your existence on this planet.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:50 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:50 PM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
>the process is still agonizing, every time. I really hate feeling like I'm letting people down,
You are fundamentally misunderstanding what a job is. A job is a place you go to exchange the only thing you actually have in life--the only thing that is real: the irreplaceable seconds of your time on Earth--for money, because you can't live without money. If you can get a better exchange rate for your time: TAKE. IT.
You are not showing up at your job because the people there are your friends and you have a responsibility to support their hopes and dreams. You are showing up at your job because YOU. NEED. MONEY. TO. LIVE. It's delightful if you're fortunate enough to have a warm feeling about the people you work with, and the people you work for. But do not lose sight of the fact that these are not personal relationships. They are professional relationships. If your boss could find somebody who would do your job for less money, you would be on the outside lookin' in, because that's what business is.
Please do not remain in a situation where you're not paid enough to live, out of a mistaken feeling of personal responsibility to your employers. Your responsibilities to your employers are professional. Likewise their responsibilities to you: they should be paying you enough to keep you there. They're not. Go.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:11 PM on October 12, 2018 [21 favorites]
You are fundamentally misunderstanding what a job is. A job is a place you go to exchange the only thing you actually have in life--the only thing that is real: the irreplaceable seconds of your time on Earth--for money, because you can't live without money. If you can get a better exchange rate for your time: TAKE. IT.
You are not showing up at your job because the people there are your friends and you have a responsibility to support their hopes and dreams. You are showing up at your job because YOU. NEED. MONEY. TO. LIVE. It's delightful if you're fortunate enough to have a warm feeling about the people you work with, and the people you work for. But do not lose sight of the fact that these are not personal relationships. They are professional relationships. If your boss could find somebody who would do your job for less money, you would be on the outside lookin' in, because that's what business is.
Please do not remain in a situation where you're not paid enough to live, out of a mistaken feeling of personal responsibility to your employers. Your responsibilities to your employers are professional. Likewise their responsibilities to you: they should be paying you enough to keep you there. They're not. Go.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:11 PM on October 12, 2018 [21 favorites]
Its more like, the rug was pulled pulled out from under you (by the change in number of clients if not the org), because they gave you an offer for one thing then wound up giving you less work than you can live on. Obviously it sounds like it wasn't on purpose, but would you have taken your current job under the assumption that it was 12-20 hours a week? It sounds like no.
It is 100% reasonable to let them know you accepted the role expecting it to be full time, since circumstances have changed, you need to move on. Thank them for the opportunity, for what you've had the chance to learn, let them know you're very disappointed that you aren't able to stay because you really believe in the mission, perhaps at some point in the future once they're in a more stable place you'll be able to return. Etc.
They may be secretly relieved if you move on gracefully, because it'll free up more payroll for other staff. Or they can hire someone on a contract / part-time basis who aware of and able to handle the reduced hours from the outset.
posted by ProtoStar at 7:18 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
It is 100% reasonable to let them know you accepted the role expecting it to be full time, since circumstances have changed, you need to move on. Thank them for the opportunity, for what you've had the chance to learn, let them know you're very disappointed that you aren't able to stay because you really believe in the mission, perhaps at some point in the future once they're in a more stable place you'll be able to return. Etc.
They may be secretly relieved if you move on gracefully, because it'll free up more payroll for other staff. Or they can hire someone on a contract / part-time basis who aware of and able to handle the reduced hours from the outset.
posted by ProtoStar at 7:18 PM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
As someone who has hired people and had them leave for better offers in our below market rate compensated but highly competitive field, I have literally never felt betrayed when they left. (And none of my bosses have either when I’ve done the same. ) And honestly, mere days after they’re gone, we have all completely moved on.
Such is the nature of work. To spend any amount of time mourning a lost employee who has gotten a better offer is ... not really how it happens. Not saying your effort and dedications and results aren’t important and didn’t matter - but really, organizations spend almost zero time dwelling on individual departures. Don’t let that weigh you down.
posted by sestaaak at 7:49 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
Such is the nature of work. To spend any amount of time mourning a lost employee who has gotten a better offer is ... not really how it happens. Not saying your effort and dedications and results aren’t important and didn’t matter - but really, organizations spend almost zero time dwelling on individual departures. Don’t let that weigh you down.
posted by sestaaak at 7:49 PM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
You are taking the loyalty you might offer an individual and giving it to an institution that - no matter how nice or cool the people - will never reciprocate. An institution can never be loyal to you, offer a lifelong job or feel guilty about paying you poorly or demanding too much. It’s a transaction. Save that kind of loyalty for the ones you love.
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 10:48 PM on October 12, 2018
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 10:48 PM on October 12, 2018
I am in the process of leaving a job where they can't offer me a long term commitment in order to take one that can. And it is hard, and I understand what you are going through. I feel bad about leaving people I like, who are doing work I think is valuable on an issue I feel is important, but I would also like to sign a lease in this city and I can't do that without a permanent job.
In the end, you have to do the thing that is right for you. You can try to soften the blow by giving a little extra notice, or volunteering there on weekends in the future, or making donations, but honestly, if your boss actually likes you, they will be happy for you. Or they will pretend they are.
My bosses are reluctant to lose me and they've been clear that they value and will miss me, but they know that they can't offer me what the new job can, so they are also thrilled I found something permanent. Because they like me and value me as a person as well as an employee.
Remember that. If the people you are worried about disappointing are the kind of people it is worth worrying about disappointing then they will not actually be disappointed (much).
posted by jacquilynne at 9:00 AM on October 13, 2018
In the end, you have to do the thing that is right for you. You can try to soften the blow by giving a little extra notice, or volunteering there on weekends in the future, or making donations, but honestly, if your boss actually likes you, they will be happy for you. Or they will pretend they are.
My bosses are reluctant to lose me and they've been clear that they value and will miss me, but they know that they can't offer me what the new job can, so they are also thrilled I found something permanent. Because they like me and value me as a person as well as an employee.
Remember that. If the people you are worried about disappointing are the kind of people it is worth worrying about disappointing then they will not actually be disappointed (much).
posted by jacquilynne at 9:00 AM on October 13, 2018
A sense that your job is terribly important is a sure sign of an impending nervous breakdown.
Seriously. People come and go all the time and you are just one more of them. You’re just not that important.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:20 PM on October 14, 2018
Seriously. People come and go all the time and you are just one more of them. You’re just not that important.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:20 PM on October 14, 2018
I guess that I also have some ethical qualms about allowing your parents to pay the difference between your salary and a living wage. It's exploitative, to both you and your parents, and it's also unfair to potential employees whose wages aren't being subsidized by their families. It's one of the hidden class biases that keeps working-class (and even middle-middle-class) people out of the non-profit sector. Your current employer needs to figure out how to pay their workers a living wage, or they need to realize they're not viable and shut down. By allowing your parents to subsidize your work there, you are encouraging them to continue to engage in unethical business practices that have real consequences. So stop doing that and take the new job, which sounds like in many respects it would be a better job anyway. And then donate some money to your current organization, to let them know that you still value and respect what they do.
As someone who barely makes enough money to live because many employees are being subsidized by their parents, I can't favorite the above by ArbitraryandCapricious too much. Jobs are not surrogate families, and your employers will cut you without a second thought. People who put children in cages are "monsters." Not people who make sensible employment decisions. Put this in perspective and move on.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 8:16 AM on October 15, 2018
As someone who barely makes enough money to live because many employees are being subsidized by their parents, I can't favorite the above by ArbitraryandCapricious too much. Jobs are not surrogate families, and your employers will cut you without a second thought. People who put children in cages are "monsters." Not people who make sensible employment decisions. Put this in perspective and move on.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 8:16 AM on October 15, 2018
One note: you're getting some comments saying things like "don't show loyalty to a job" and that a job is just a place where you exchange your time for money. That's a completely valid attitude for a person to have about work, but it doesn't sound like it's your attitude, and in my experience, advice like that can actually make it harder to feel ok about leaving, because it can kind of make you feel like leaving the job means you have to turn into a person who has no personal feeling about or commitment to their work.
Maybe you're not feeling like that at all! But if you are, let me just say from one nonprofit-sector person who gets a lot of personal meaning out of my work to another: it's great to really believe in the work you do, and to feel called to do it, but you also have to be able to put a roof over your head and food on your table, not to mention enjoy life and save money for retirement. You can find meaningful work (for whatever value of meaningful is ... meaningful to you) and make enough to live a decent life on in the nonprofit sector - and there are also ways to do meaningful work outside the nonprofit sector as well. Don't feel like you have to make a (false) choice between Good Work and making a living. That's just an express train to martyrdom and burnout.
posted by lunasol at 12:48 PM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Maybe you're not feeling like that at all! But if you are, let me just say from one nonprofit-sector person who gets a lot of personal meaning out of my work to another: it's great to really believe in the work you do, and to feel called to do it, but you also have to be able to put a roof over your head and food on your table, not to mention enjoy life and save money for retirement. You can find meaningful work (for whatever value of meaningful is ... meaningful to you) and make enough to live a decent life on in the nonprofit sector - and there are also ways to do meaningful work outside the nonprofit sector as well. Don't feel like you have to make a (false) choice between Good Work and making a living. That's just an express train to martyrdom and burnout.
posted by lunasol at 12:48 PM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
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Anyone who doesn't congratulate you in such an instance is not worth your time or attention.
posted by saeculorum at 5:04 PM on October 12, 2018 [49 favorites]