How do I politely decline to say where I work?

July 20, 2018 7:09 PM

When I meet someone, they ask where I work. “I work at a bank,” I say. “Which bank?” They ask.

Usually I say “I work at a bank. What do you do?” Trying to turn it back to them, but most of the time they want to know which one I work at. I don’t know why; every possible answer to that question is equally dull. If i decline to answer, people often get personally offended. It’s not a good first impression I’m making. Does anybody have a good idea for small-talk tricks to pull to keep the situation from coming up in the first place? Clever quips to answer the question without answering it?

posted by Sterros to Human Relations (44 answers total)

The only thing you can do here is reply, “Id rather not say.”

Of course at that point, it will be obvious that the answer is almost certainly something like “Goldman Sachs.”

You can’t “hack” social culture. There are no secret cheat codes or loopholes to get it to be something it is not. I assume you’re writing from the United States where it is normal and expected to talk about work. The only option is to go along with it or be considered the weirdo. You need to learn to be perfectly comfortable with the latter.
posted by deanc at 7:15 PM on July 20, 2018 [25 favorites]

Make up a name. I mean, nobody actually cares which bank you work at, except insofar as it would give them a chance to say, "oh my mother has an account there" which is a conversational dead end too. They will say, "oh I've never heard of that bank." You say something true, like "oh we mostly deal with investments/with businesses/are small/whatever" or a non sequitur that still seems engaged, like "I've been in accounting there for five years, I love it/maybe that's why there hasn't been a robbery/it's over on the westside/whatever." If you follow up your fake bank name with something true, who knows, the conversation might go somewhere, and you were genuine for that part at least.
posted by pH Indicating Socks at 7:20 PM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Nah, but anyway, it's not that exciting." [Subject change here.]
posted by limeonaire at 7:20 PM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

Can you speak in generalities, then quickly change the topic? 'Oh, we specialize in [some banking topic]. I work over in [this part of town], it's really cool! I hadn't explored it much before I started working there, but it's actually a pretty great place. Have you been that way before?'

This is my typical, somewhat-immature method for deflecting attention away from topics without making the other person feel bad for asking. It works surprisingly well.
posted by aquamvidam at 7:22 PM on July 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

You work at a financial services institution. Fancy enough to confuse them into not asking more questions.
posted by deezil at 7:28 PM on July 20, 2018 [27 favorites]

Stop telling people you work at a bank. Tell them you do accounting, or business analysis, or whatever.

I suspect what's going on here is that you're in investment banking or the Fed or something, and talking to people who've only dealt with retail banks and think they can follow up with small talk about how the manager at the local branch notarized something for them.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 7:29 PM on July 20, 2018 [53 favorites]

I understand the problem, I think. I mean, is there a good answer to "which bank?"

So I can see why you might want to avoid this, since every bank is hated, generally for good reasons, and you probably don't want to give them an opening to start complaining about how hostile/evil your employer is. I bet if you said you worked at a credit union you'd be fine.

Maybe you can deflect with a joke. "Oh, I reject poor people for loans at Big Evil Banking Corp. It's slowly eating my soul, but hey, the benefits are solid and we have a juice bar."

I've known people who worked for big evil pharma and big evil bioscience and big evil oil companies who used some variation of that to some success. If you cut off the objection in advance, people will usually appreciate that you're a small person just trying to make a living, and you won't get many lectures. You've also pre-empted their snarky followups, unless they're some commenter on the Internet, in which case they'll probably go ahead anyway.

(Of course, it really is Goldman Sachs, humorous deflection will only get you so far, after which you probably have a moral obligation to quit, preferably while launching a blog containing nothing but evil dialogue overheard in the elevators. Then you'll be gold at cocktail parties.)
posted by rokusan at 7:32 PM on July 20, 2018 [14 favorites]

You work at Twin Peaks Savings and Loan. No, you have no comment on the Ghostwood development project.
posted by phunniemee at 7:33 PM on July 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

Can you avoid the question entirely by answering "where do you work" with what you do, instead of where you do it? "Oh, I do commercial loans" or "I'm a credit analyst!" Those answers give your conversation partner more threads than "this is the location of where I work." If you must respond to the "which bank" question, I'd just reply "they're all the same" with a laugh and offer a tidbit of information about your job that you are willing to talk about to keep the conversation going.
posted by missmary6 at 7:43 PM on July 20, 2018 [45 favorites]

I mean, if you told me you work at a bank, and then wouldn't say which one, I'm going to assume you don't work for a bank and you're trying to run some kind of scam on me.

If you don't want to say because the answer is dull, dull is fine, everyones work is dull. Exchange dull pleasantries and then move on, just like anybody else. If its because of company policy, the company will surely have some sort of guidelines for these situations. If its because they're not likely to have heard of the company and the work is not interesting, say something like "You wouldn't have heard of them, its really not very interesting."
posted by rodlymight at 8:28 PM on July 20, 2018 [21 favorites]

I think missmary has it-- when you say "a bank" the natural followup is "which one." Like, I would ask that even if I did not care (in fact I emphatically wouldn't, it just seems like NOT asking it is tantamount to saying "this is all very boring.") Far better to say "I do home loans. What do you do?"
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:49 PM on July 20, 2018 [18 favorites]

There can be safety concerns - I don't tell dates where I work because I've had unfortunate situations where they have turned up at my place of work. I agree it's best not to lead the conversation to a place where you know they will ask which bank. When asked where you work, just answer with what it is you do at work rather than mentioning the word "bank", and if they still ask which company you're with, you can say "oh, it's a really small credit union, no one's heard of it" or something similar then change the subject.
posted by sunflower16 at 8:58 PM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

My mom taught me to say, "Why do you ask?" when people get too nosy. Most people who are polite will realize they're being a bit too personal and brush it off with a handwave or say something benign like, "Just curious." Feel free to then change the subject or say, "Hm." If the person is insistent with their queries or making you uncomfortable, excuse yourself and walk away.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 9:19 PM on July 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

If your legend is sufficiently close to your real work it'd be more comfortable to discuss without feeling dishonest (in case that's an issue).

Where do the most mind-numbing, specialist aspects of your field lie - become one of those outliers - it should shut down enquiring minds pretty fast (and you would be competent describing it). Also lone operators in specialist areas tend to work via human networks rather than digital so reducing conversational possibilities.

Are you likely to meet these same people again? All the more reason for a legend.
posted by unearthed at 9:37 PM on July 20, 2018

Lie. They 100% don't even care anyway and are just making conversation.
posted by ryanbryan at 9:43 PM on July 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

Could you pretend they asked "which branch?" "I work at a bank." "Oh, which one?" "The high rise over on Sepulveda."
posted by salvia at 9:49 PM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

“The one where fun goes to die. So, if you could change one thing about your job, what would it be?”
posted by Jubey at 9:56 PM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

When they ask, say "I work in a building with four walls". Oblique and funny at the same time.
posted by nickggully at 9:58 PM on July 20, 2018

"I work in finance. What do you do?"

Or

"I work in finance, but my real love is sky diving on the weekends."
posted by Toddles at 10:06 PM on July 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

If you live in the United States, I'm afraid you can't politely decline to answer a question like that. If someone says, "I ate a restaurant for lunch" and they're asked "Which one?" there are only three options: tell the truth, lie and name another one, or say you don't remember. With "Where do you work?" it would be pretty hard to say you don't remember.

Your alternative is to NOT answer the question in a way that hides the fact that you aren't answering. If someone asks where you work, you say, "I do X" or "I do X, but I really hope to do Y one day" or even "I do X, but honestly, I hate talking about it, so let's talk about what YOU do." You have to misdirect and hope they don't notice. You sidestep answering the initial question. But you can't answer the initial question and then refuse to clarify. It is going to be seen as either weird (that is, scammy, as rodlymight said) or rude, and you said you want to sound polite.

I'm not saying you have to divulge things you don't want, just that you cannot be honest, direct, polite and evasive.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 10:14 PM on July 20, 2018 [16 favorites]

“Oh, a small one no one’s ever heard of.” Or
“Oh, one of the big ones.”
To be immediately followed with one of the great conversation changers already mentioned.
posted by greermahoney at 10:44 PM on July 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

"One of the big ones. How about yourself, where do you work?"

(substitute for 'little', as appropriate)
posted by Gomez_in_the_South at 10:46 PM on July 20, 2018

I think bank is too broad a category - I don't think people really want to know your work location say, just more what it is you do. So analyst at an investment bank or cashier at a high street bank may be better answers. And if they still say which one you can just reply, one of the main ones, or with an approx location
posted by JonB at 11:07 PM on July 20, 2018

This is probably a very British view, but I think the issue is that they are trying (probably unconsciously) to place you socially. "I work in a bank" covers everything from underpaid cashier to CEO of a major banking corporation. "Which bank?" is more polite than something which gets to the meat of your social status, and might lure you into giving more information. So I would agree with people above that phrasing differently that gives more of your job role (and implicitly, the social information that goes with that) may be effective at deflecting most queries about exactly where you work. I do think that you will still get some people who will ask, but that will be for more specific reasons - they have a grudge with a particular bank, or their cousin does the same job as you, or something like that.
posted by Vortisaur at 1:20 AM on July 21, 2018 [6 favorites]

I mean, substitute bank with another ubiquitous service institution and you see how “which one?” is hard to avoid. It’s the natural follow up.

“I work at a hospital.” “Oh, which one?”
“I work at a university.” “Oh, which one?”
“I work at a museum” “Oh, which one?”

The solution is to be slightly more specific in your first answer so you can avoid details in your follow up.

“I work in medical billing and insurance”
“I teach students how to do their own research”
“I restore ancient pottery”
“I focus primarily on home loans”

See?
posted by lydhre at 2:18 AM on July 21, 2018 [27 favorites]

Well, if you answer their first question (about what you do) this way, it's pretty inevitable to get that exact follow-up.
Compare:
- I work at a hospital.
- Which hospital?

vs

- I am a phlebotomist.
- Oh, wow, do people faint on you a lot?

- I work at a store.
- Oh, mmmm.... What store?

vs

- I'm selling electronics.
- Oh, can I pick your brain about what laptop to buy?
posted by M. at 2:21 AM on July 21, 2018 [5 favorites]

Agreeing that it’s the “a” phrasing, you’re basically forcing them to ask you by not returning the ball in the conversational tennis. “I’m in banking” and then returning the ball by providing some more info or asking a question is how conversations happen. You could also predeflect; “what do you do?” “I make papier-mâché clowns” “no I mean for work” “oh, banking, but work stays at work, I’m on me time now!”
posted by Iteki at 3:15 AM on July 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

Mod note: A couple deleted. Please just help the OP with their question, or pass on answering this one.
posted by taz (staff) at 4:48 AM on July 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

“I work at a bank,” I say. “Which bank?” They ask.
So you say "The Food Bank" & and then switch to one of the above suggested conversation changers.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 5:26 AM on July 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

> Can you avoid the question entirely by answering "where do you work" with what you do, instead of where you do it?

Bingo. The problem is not with the people asking which one—that's perfectly natural, as many here have said. So you need to change your original response to something that will gracefully lead to a general conversation. Try "I work in banking" or "I handle [whatever you handle]" or anything else that occurs to you and see how it works. I personally think lying is a bad idea; what's the point? Just find a response that people can deal with in a different way. And immediately follow your response with a question about the other person. People love to talk about themselves!
posted by languagehat at 6:39 AM on July 21, 2018

Move to Australia, of course, where asking "Which bank?" has been a cultural touchstone for three decades, thanks to a successful ad campaign, and interjecting those words into a conversation will simultaneously render the conversation humorous and derail it entirely, and give you an easy out.
posted by iffthen at 6:45 AM on July 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think others have already touched on this adequately, but to answer your question directly, the way you do it is to politely decline. You're already doing that. But when you do that, you shouldn't be surprised by people's responses to your declining to answer because curiosity about other people and conversational back and forth is pretty normal.

An alternative to politely declining is to volunteer a little information by telling people what you do at this boring bank. But again, don't be surprised by followups. Maybe after you tell people a little about your boring job, they'll say, "Wow, that sounds hard."

(I actually work for a company large enough to be considered a financial institution, where banking is one of the things they do but it's not what I do.)
posted by emelenjr at 7:05 AM on July 21, 2018

Another way to answer goes like this:
Where do you work?
Downtown.
Oh, where?
4th and Main.
Then segue into one of the re-directs above, e.g.,
4th and Main. I'm in finance/How 'bout you?/But where I really love to spend my time is at X where I do Y activity. Ask me about that instead!
posted by carmicha at 8:37 AM on July 21, 2018

"I'm in banking but only until 5. After that I am all about [my garden] [dog rescues] [rock and roll] [resisting] [clocking my steps] [taking over the world]."
posted by headnsouth at 9:28 AM on July 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

You are going against an extremely well-established pattern. All the recommendations to alter the pattern are spot on.
What do you do?
I have a boring desk job; please don't remind me. What I really love is rock-hunting/ interpretive dance/ my Mommy Blog. Do you have any hobbies?
1. don't ask me about my job.
2. here are some conversation starters.
3. let's talk about you.
No really, where do you work? Now you can be a little aggressive. I find it unimaginative to always discuss work at a party, so I've decided not to.
People ask you about your job to determine your social status. It is tiresome and dull and it's difficult to challenge this habit.
posted by theora55 at 9:43 AM on July 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

“The one with all the money”
posted by STFUDonnie at 9:49 AM on July 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I disagree with everyone who is advising you to tell lies. That's not a solid foundation to build a conversation on and because it's an unnecessary lie will be taken as more malicious when revealed.

Your issue is that the answer you provide is leading only in one direction because there is only one point of interest in it. A polite person will often want to ask another person just to be perceived as interesting - who would like someone who didn't ask a follow up and instead just talked about themselves? So if you don't want to answer the "which bank" follow up you have to rephrase your initial statement to lead somewhere else.

You could say "Oh, I'm in banking. I do x y z and I'm really interested in how a b c happens." That's a lot of meat there for someone who is interested in having a conversation with you to grab. You are inviting them to pick what they find interesting about you and ask to hear more about it.

Don't think of quips and tricks and this kind of stuff. That's not how small talk works and it will only make you be seen as a "fake" person, a gladhander, a carpet bagger. Try to give people a hint of what you would like to talk about with how you answer. If you have things in common they will run with it and if you hear something interesting in what they say you should do the same. And if you don't have anything in common just excuse yourself and get another drink at some point. It's ok.
posted by krautland at 10:07 AM on July 21, 2018 [9 favorites]

The only reason you give for not wanting to answer is that the answer would be dull. If that’s your only reason, dull is way better than most alternatives because it’s super hard to refuse to answer without seeming like you’re rebuking the person for asking. I once asked a musician I admired how much she practiced. She told me that’s like asking how much money she made. Decades later, that encounter is still a painful memory for me. She made me feel like crap for asking a well-intentioned question I thought was innocuous. We worked together for years, and that hurtful statement is my primary memory of her. I disagree that people are secretly trying to determine your status. In the US, this is a common conversation starter. I don’t think the emphasis on work is a good thing, but I also don’t think there are unkind motives. People ask what bank because they’re trying to figure out if you have something in common. I work for a medical journal and when people ask which one, they’re trying to figure out if I work someplace they’ve heard of. It’s usually not because they’re going to think less of me if I don’t say The Lancet.

The only thing that might work with no bad feelings is preempting the question altogether. “I work at a bank, but can we talk about something else? I think we’re all so much more than our jobs.” Note that this does not criticize the person for asking.
posted by FencingGal at 11:51 AM on July 21, 2018 [5 favorites]

Preempt the question by inserting more specifics into your original answer.
“I’m a teller at one of the big box store banks”
Or
“I do loans and mortgages downtown”
Or
“I’m a manager at a tiny credit union at [location]”.
posted by Neekee at 2:18 PM on July 21, 2018

Oddly enough, when I worked on an outsourcing project for the company mentioned in the first comment, we were instructed to refer to them as "The Firm". Apparently no one there had read the book, or seen the movie or TV show.
posted by leaper at 6:28 PM on July 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Here's what I would say:

[big smile] You know, I just spent all day at work. I'd love to change the subject, and talk about anything else. I love to garden and travel. What do you like to do?
posted by valannc at 9:37 PM on July 21, 2018

When I get asked imposing, nosy questions like this, I lie. But not just a little lie. A grandiose, flagrant, blatant, outrageous lie. For me it's things like "What happened to your legs?" "The last leg of climbing Mount Everest was just too much for them. They haven't worked right since I made the summit." Of "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a flamenco dancer. In my free time I'm training to be a ninja." (It's grandiose etc. because I'm in a wheelchair and have limited control of my muscles on a good day.) I once had a woman almost convinced I was 83 once when I could still walk some, because I had canes in each hand, braces on my back wrists and knees, and a TENS machine going on my shoulder, and she asked what was wrong with me. I told her I was doing pretty well for my age.

So for you, what bank do you work at?
* The sperm bank.
* Seventh twelfth
* 8th national bank of Vanuatu
* Capital Nine (What's in your sinus cavities?)
* First duck-billed platypus bank of the Most Serene Republic of San Marino
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 12:35 AM on July 22, 2018 [3 favorites]

Don't tell them where you work even if they ask you directly where you work (for my part, I've never been asked directly where I work, only what I do). It's perfectly reasonable to say "I work in banking" (or whatever it is you do at the bank). That's probably going to get people pretty bored pretty quick, but if it doesn't and they still ask where, just lie and say "it's actually a small banking systems firm" or "I'm between gigs right now, checking out some options".
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:11 PM on July 22, 2018

I don't know if OP is female, but I *loathe* the "which bank" (or whatever) question because it can too often mean "Oh good now I can show up where you work and stalk you." And yes, an Uber driver did JUST that to me.

Fuck telling strangers where you work.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 1:23 PM on July 23, 2018 [4 favorites]