Being the safe choice after an exciting one
May 28, 2018 9:42 PM Subscribe
I am in a wonderful relationship, but I've convinced myself that I am a safe choice after a more intense, exciting relationship of his. I need help overcoming my issue with this.
I am in an absolutely wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. We've been together for over a year now, and for the most part it's been incredibly healthy and fulfilling. Prior to this I had a long-term relationship of 7 years that crashed and burned pretty epically, and a smattering of short relationships in my early early 20s. Being with him has helped me overcome a LOT of relationship anxiety issues that I've battled in the past.
Despite everything being wonderful, I feel like I am sabotaging this relationship by dwelling on one of my boyfriend's past relationships. He was with this girl for 3 months before they went long-distance (she went to teach English in Japan). He visited her in Japan 5 months later, and then he broke up with her a couple months after that.
So they were barely together and then he broke up with her, so what's my issue? Logically I know it's silly - he's with me now, he's loving and attentive and says I'm the love of his life. Because of social media, though, I know he also loved her - he must have loved her a lot to continue an LDR after only 3 months anyway. He commented on her photos. He posted photos of them when they were in Japan, looking wildly happy, despite him insisting he's not a social media guy. He hasn't done any of this for me, even though he came to visit me while I was working abroad (albeit for a much shorter amount of time). Now I have an irrational distaste for Japan - an entire country!! - and whenever he mentions his travelling experience positively (if someone asks for advice for their upcoming trip, for example) I start to dwell on this whole thing and have a really hard time snapping out of it.
She asked him a few times while they were together whether she could make out with other guys, including while she was away. He said he wasn't comfortable with it, she said okay, but it cast fear and doubt over their relationship while they were apart.
Because of this, I've convinced myself that 1) he was more excited to be with her (social media posts) 2) the fear and distance actually heightened his love and passion for her and 3) they only broke up because of circumstance, and because he wanted to be with her more than she with him and that was too much for him to bear. I feel like if she hadn't moved away for a year, they would still be madly in love. Every once in a while I'll think about one of the comments he left or one of the photos he's posted and get really sad that he hasn't been inspired to do the same for me.
I am in therapy because I know I have issues with self-worth, but honestly I really do like myself most of the time these days. I feel like I've made major progress in a lot of respects. I also know everyone has their past and I'm not bothered in the least by the rest of his partners. For some reason though, I just can't get over this mental hurdle of believing he would have ultimately preferred her and that our relationship is working because I'm more stable (but therefore more boring). Advice on the internet often says 'If he wanted to be with her, he would be' but I don't think that's necessarily true -- people are hung up on their exes all the time and can't be with them for one reason or another.
I guess I've never been in the position of 1) an LDR and 2) knowing that my partner wants to make out with other people, so I don't know what the feelings are actually like. Am I totally wrong here in thinking that the fear and longing he experienced for her somehow ramped up his love for her too?
I've talked to my boyfriend about this and he's been very patient and has said all the right things, but again I'm just stuck right now. I've crafted a narrative I can't seem to stop telling myself. I don't really want to keep burdening him with this, as it's not *really* his problem to solve and he doesn't deserve being interrogated.
To clarify, I'm not at all worried he is going to leave me for her. I guess one of my major fears is being, like, Emma Stone's husband at the end of La La Land - a stable meh partner that follows someone's 'great' love. I don't want anyone to settle for me. So my questions are: Has anyone overcome feeling this way and how did you do it? And can a stable love also be someone's great love following a relationship of intensity? I know none of you are him, but maybe hearing some personal experiences will help me cross this for once and for all. I feel like I'm so close and I just want to work through this. Any advice not pertaining to my two specific questions are also very much welcome.
I am in an absolutely wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. We've been together for over a year now, and for the most part it's been incredibly healthy and fulfilling. Prior to this I had a long-term relationship of 7 years that crashed and burned pretty epically, and a smattering of short relationships in my early early 20s. Being with him has helped me overcome a LOT of relationship anxiety issues that I've battled in the past.
Despite everything being wonderful, I feel like I am sabotaging this relationship by dwelling on one of my boyfriend's past relationships. He was with this girl for 3 months before they went long-distance (she went to teach English in Japan). He visited her in Japan 5 months later, and then he broke up with her a couple months after that.
So they were barely together and then he broke up with her, so what's my issue? Logically I know it's silly - he's with me now, he's loving and attentive and says I'm the love of his life. Because of social media, though, I know he also loved her - he must have loved her a lot to continue an LDR after only 3 months anyway. He commented on her photos. He posted photos of them when they were in Japan, looking wildly happy, despite him insisting he's not a social media guy. He hasn't done any of this for me, even though he came to visit me while I was working abroad (albeit for a much shorter amount of time). Now I have an irrational distaste for Japan - an entire country!! - and whenever he mentions his travelling experience positively (if someone asks for advice for their upcoming trip, for example) I start to dwell on this whole thing and have a really hard time snapping out of it.
She asked him a few times while they were together whether she could make out with other guys, including while she was away. He said he wasn't comfortable with it, she said okay, but it cast fear and doubt over their relationship while they were apart.
Because of this, I've convinced myself that 1) he was more excited to be with her (social media posts) 2) the fear and distance actually heightened his love and passion for her and 3) they only broke up because of circumstance, and because he wanted to be with her more than she with him and that was too much for him to bear. I feel like if she hadn't moved away for a year, they would still be madly in love. Every once in a while I'll think about one of the comments he left or one of the photos he's posted and get really sad that he hasn't been inspired to do the same for me.
I am in therapy because I know I have issues with self-worth, but honestly I really do like myself most of the time these days. I feel like I've made major progress in a lot of respects. I also know everyone has their past and I'm not bothered in the least by the rest of his partners. For some reason though, I just can't get over this mental hurdle of believing he would have ultimately preferred her and that our relationship is working because I'm more stable (but therefore more boring). Advice on the internet often says 'If he wanted to be with her, he would be' but I don't think that's necessarily true -- people are hung up on their exes all the time and can't be with them for one reason or another.
I guess I've never been in the position of 1) an LDR and 2) knowing that my partner wants to make out with other people, so I don't know what the feelings are actually like. Am I totally wrong here in thinking that the fear and longing he experienced for her somehow ramped up his love for her too?
I've talked to my boyfriend about this and he's been very patient and has said all the right things, but again I'm just stuck right now. I've crafted a narrative I can't seem to stop telling myself. I don't really want to keep burdening him with this, as it's not *really* his problem to solve and he doesn't deserve being interrogated.
To clarify, I'm not at all worried he is going to leave me for her. I guess one of my major fears is being, like, Emma Stone's husband at the end of La La Land - a stable meh partner that follows someone's 'great' love. I don't want anyone to settle for me. So my questions are: Has anyone overcome feeling this way and how did you do it? And can a stable love also be someone's great love following a relationship of intensity? I know none of you are him, but maybe hearing some personal experiences will help me cross this for once and for all. I feel like I'm so close and I just want to work through this. Any advice not pertaining to my two specific questions are also very much welcome.
2) the fear and distance actually heightened his love and passion for her
This is a thing that can happen, but it's also exhausting. It works for a few months. It doesn't work for years. It is good to be with someone who has the good sense to know that this isn't sustainable. I've had the good(????) fortune to have some of these sorts of relationships substantially outlive the crazy-in-love point to get to the just-crazy point, and it's not about settling. Setting your house on fire is more exciting but is a lousy choice for how to handle your winter heating problem.
People do get hung up on their exes, but people get hung up on lots of things. Evidence: This. Maybe they would still be together if she hadn't moved, but like--if they were meant to be together, she wouldn't have been the sort of person to move away three months in, probably. Stable and boring are not the same thing. The earth's orbit is pretty stable and yet we still have a lot of variety of seasons, you know? But the sun doesn't sometimes fuck off to hang out in another solar system with some other potentially more interesting planets, which would be aggressively not okay.
One of the things about breakups... maybe the whole reason he's not as big into the social media stuff, especially with you, is how well that last relationship didn't work out for all he did those things. That was part of a pattern that, when attempted, didn't result in long-term happiness. So why would he want to do that again? If you want more overt expressions of affection, more exciting things, I think it's worth talking about that part with him, but not in comparison to his past, just as a way of wanting good memories for the future.
posted by Sequence at 10:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [10 favorites]
This is a thing that can happen, but it's also exhausting. It works for a few months. It doesn't work for years. It is good to be with someone who has the good sense to know that this isn't sustainable. I've had the good(????) fortune to have some of these sorts of relationships substantially outlive the crazy-in-love point to get to the just-crazy point, and it's not about settling. Setting your house on fire is more exciting but is a lousy choice for how to handle your winter heating problem.
People do get hung up on their exes, but people get hung up on lots of things. Evidence: This. Maybe they would still be together if she hadn't moved, but like--if they were meant to be together, she wouldn't have been the sort of person to move away three months in, probably. Stable and boring are not the same thing. The earth's orbit is pretty stable and yet we still have a lot of variety of seasons, you know? But the sun doesn't sometimes fuck off to hang out in another solar system with some other potentially more interesting planets, which would be aggressively not okay.
One of the things about breakups... maybe the whole reason he's not as big into the social media stuff, especially with you, is how well that last relationship didn't work out for all he did those things. That was part of a pattern that, when attempted, didn't result in long-term happiness. So why would he want to do that again? If you want more overt expressions of affection, more exciting things, I think it's worth talking about that part with him, but not in comparison to his past, just as a way of wanting good memories for the future.
posted by Sequence at 10:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [10 favorites]
I used to do this kind of thing. I feel for you and understand how you don't want this other person overshadowing you in his head, whether or not he actually cheats. Here is what I learned, I hope it helps.
You're torturing yourself over this, but at the same time, you're not taking a real risk with him, because you're allowing yourself to steep everything in your own narrative instead of really listening to his and building a new one together.
It sounds odd when one is so unhappy and the doubts feel so difficult but in fact it really is easier to dwell in and obsess over one's own story about one's lover than to quiet it down and stand in the uncertainty. When you obsess over this comparison in your own head (and it's not in his head, it's in yours), you aren't actually learning who he really is, quietly opening to the reality of the other person, stretching yourself to make a dialogue. You're just competing with a fiction you've created, looking for clues to prove it right, and spinning in your own story. This keeps you in a loop by yourself, not in the actually scarier place of stepping away from yourself and entering the unknown of who your boyfriend really is. And it doesn't matter how long you've known him, getting to know someone intimately takes forever because you both keep changing in relation to each other, forever.
So really you are not allowing yourself intimacy with a real human partner when you keep creating your own what-if narratives about a fantasy woman who might have been more exciting than you. And that narrating to yourself, not the fact that this old girlfriend did this or that, is what might hold you back.
Don't compete with someone's memories. Don't fall into narratives that are pre-written from movies or your own pre-existing fears of not being on top. Build your own story with him in the present. No one comes as a blank page -- you wouldn't want someone who couldn't love, and everyone has already loved -- but if you focus on your own real story with him in the present, everything else will fade in threat.
posted by velveeta underground at 10:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [14 favorites]
You're torturing yourself over this, but at the same time, you're not taking a real risk with him, because you're allowing yourself to steep everything in your own narrative instead of really listening to his and building a new one together.
It sounds odd when one is so unhappy and the doubts feel so difficult but in fact it really is easier to dwell in and obsess over one's own story about one's lover than to quiet it down and stand in the uncertainty. When you obsess over this comparison in your own head (and it's not in his head, it's in yours), you aren't actually learning who he really is, quietly opening to the reality of the other person, stretching yourself to make a dialogue. You're just competing with a fiction you've created, looking for clues to prove it right, and spinning in your own story. This keeps you in a loop by yourself, not in the actually scarier place of stepping away from yourself and entering the unknown of who your boyfriend really is. And it doesn't matter how long you've known him, getting to know someone intimately takes forever because you both keep changing in relation to each other, forever.
So really you are not allowing yourself intimacy with a real human partner when you keep creating your own what-if narratives about a fantasy woman who might have been more exciting than you. And that narrating to yourself, not the fact that this old girlfriend did this or that, is what might hold you back.
Don't compete with someone's memories. Don't fall into narratives that are pre-written from movies or your own pre-existing fears of not being on top. Build your own story with him in the present. No one comes as a blank page -- you wouldn't want someone who couldn't love, and everyone has already loved -- but if you focus on your own real story with him in the present, everything else will fade in threat.
posted by velveeta underground at 10:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [14 favorites]
And can a stable love also be someone's great love following a relationship of intensity?
Yes. Oh yes, a thousand times yes. We - look, it's important to know that those relationships of intensity, they often can only exist in LDRs or semi-LDRs because they are built not on what the other person /is/, but what their /dreams/ of the person are.
I married my now-husband after my last Great Love, the one I sobbed brokenly on a subway over and physically could not eat and failed out of college for. But the man I was sobbing for, the man I was incandescent with glory for - that man never existed. I saw that man on weekends when he was at his best, when he could swear to me that if we only could be together everything would be perfect like that always. When - because he didn't have to live with me and love me every day - it was easy to always say he was the man I wanted him to be, because he never had to do the hard work of becoming that man - he could just say he was.
You just - you can't have that intense relationship in the long term, because it is built on fantasy and not reality. I have never, in all my life, met someone who has managed it without either great absences or separate bedrooms. It's not that I love my husband less than my last Great Love - my god, quite the opposite! But it's that the love is deeper and richer and goes in more places. It is tender and fierce and solid as a rock in a way those intense relationships never could be.
Hope this helps. Trust in yourself.
posted by corb at 10:23 PM on May 28, 2018 [43 favorites]
Yes. Oh yes, a thousand times yes. We - look, it's important to know that those relationships of intensity, they often can only exist in LDRs or semi-LDRs because they are built not on what the other person /is/, but what their /dreams/ of the person are.
I married my now-husband after my last Great Love, the one I sobbed brokenly on a subway over and physically could not eat and failed out of college for. But the man I was sobbing for, the man I was incandescent with glory for - that man never existed. I saw that man on weekends when he was at his best, when he could swear to me that if we only could be together everything would be perfect like that always. When - because he didn't have to live with me and love me every day - it was easy to always say he was the man I wanted him to be, because he never had to do the hard work of becoming that man - he could just say he was.
You just - you can't have that intense relationship in the long term, because it is built on fantasy and not reality. I have never, in all my life, met someone who has managed it without either great absences or separate bedrooms. It's not that I love my husband less than my last Great Love - my god, quite the opposite! But it's that the love is deeper and richer and goes in more places. It is tender and fierce and solid as a rock in a way those intense relationships never could be.
Hope this helps. Trust in yourself.
posted by corb at 10:23 PM on May 28, 2018 [43 favorites]
FYI: If you carry on like this, you will lose him. It's practically guaranteed. He will get tired of reassuring you, tired of feeling he's not trusted, tired of your insisting on carrying what should be his relationship baggage along for the ride.
You may lose him anyway, but that's because relationships are uncertain things and people are complicated, not because you can't compete with some dream girl in his head.
It sounds to me like you really have picked something to sabotage the relationship over so as to have the illusion of control, and, if it wasn't this girl, it would be something else. Since you're in therapy, why not discuss this with your therapist? It's obviously having a serious effect on your happiness.
posted by praemunire at 11:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
You may lose him anyway, but that's because relationships are uncertain things and people are complicated, not because you can't compete with some dream girl in his head.
It sounds to me like you really have picked something to sabotage the relationship over so as to have the illusion of control, and, if it wasn't this girl, it would be something else. Since you're in therapy, why not discuss this with your therapist? It's obviously having a serious effect on your happiness.
posted by praemunire at 11:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [9 favorites]
I agree with the other posters above about working on this issue so that you don't end up sabotaging the relationship anyway.
But I do want to say, if you want your boyfriend to comment on your social media or be a bit more publicly affectionate towards you, that's really not unreasonable. Have you tried asking him to do that for you? Don't frame it about the ex. This is something you'd from this relationship. His reaction will be illuminating. You want to see whether he responds by doing as you would like when you express a straightforward need.
posted by peacheater at 12:41 AM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
But I do want to say, if you want your boyfriend to comment on your social media or be a bit more publicly affectionate towards you, that's really not unreasonable. Have you tried asking him to do that for you? Don't frame it about the ex. This is something you'd from this relationship. His reaction will be illuminating. You want to see whether he responds by doing as you would like when you express a straightforward need.
posted by peacheater at 12:41 AM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
You know, LDRs often manifest as being higher intensity because there's an unsatiated longing for being around the object of desire. This particular emotion doesn't apply in your case, because you two are presumably able to see each other without too much effort. Also, it's quite possible that because his previous relationship was only three months of physical proximity, he was still in the limerence stage, and not really 'in love' with her (although that is a low-odds possibility.) The fact that she was far away only increases this sort of infatuation.
Also, how did you find out about his activity on her social media? If you were looking at this girl's profile, reading all of that stuff that happened a long time ago without invitation, then I'm afraid you really need to talk to your therapist about this. I was similarly obsessed over a guy once, and although I didn't compare myself to his previous relationships or... stalk his exes, the only way I was able to get over the behavior was to get away from him. What you're doing right now is unhealthy for you, and for your relationship. I'm not telling you to break up, but like others have said, this way madness lies if you continue this behavior.
I feel like if she hadn't moved away for a year, they would still be madly in love. Yes. Or maybe they wouldn't. Just as you and he may not last. Part of being in a healthy relationship is acknowledging that it may not last forever. The ones that burn intensely do tend to fizzle out sooner, IMO, than those that burn slowly and build over time, so there's that. But this is your problem to fix, and not his. Don't drive him away.
posted by Everydayville at 12:52 AM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also, how did you find out about his activity on her social media? If you were looking at this girl's profile, reading all of that stuff that happened a long time ago without invitation, then I'm afraid you really need to talk to your therapist about this. I was similarly obsessed over a guy once, and although I didn't compare myself to his previous relationships or... stalk his exes, the only way I was able to get over the behavior was to get away from him. What you're doing right now is unhealthy for you, and for your relationship. I'm not telling you to break up, but like others have said, this way madness lies if you continue this behavior.
I feel like if she hadn't moved away for a year, they would still be madly in love. Yes. Or maybe they wouldn't. Just as you and he may not last. Part of being in a healthy relationship is acknowledging that it may not last forever. The ones that burn intensely do tend to fizzle out sooner, IMO, than those that burn slowly and build over time, so there's that. But this is your problem to fix, and not his. Don't drive him away.
posted by Everydayville at 12:52 AM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm totally in agreement that I'll drive him away because of this, and as a result I don't really bring it up to him anymore. I'm committed to getting over this mental hurdle but it's been a real struggle, hence the question.
I have spoken to my therapist about it but so far nothing has clicked. I don't want to say goodbye to her just yet though because she has really helped me in other parts of my life, so I'm hoping it's just some more work and time. I figured maybe some extra advice/anecdotes would help me with the therapy side of things a bit more.
@Everydayville Yeah, I did look at her social media. In my defense, my previous SO didn't have an ex and prior to that social media wasn't really a thing, so when I was scoping out HIS social media at the beginning of our relationship it didn't really dawn on me how much of an issue it would become. I just browsed through some stuff, saw some stuff he was tagged in, and it didn't bother me until a lot later when I became way more invested.
@peacheater It's not really about the public displays of affection per se - he has said he'd post pictures of me if I want. It's the very fact that I have to ask, and that it's something I want rather than something he wants to do of his own accord. It's totally me just dwelling in the comparison, and it's unhealthy, but it still hurts me. If I were to specifically say "hey can you please post pictures of me more often", I guess I wouldn't find any photo he posted terribly special since it's just an appeasement rather than a genuine desire like with her.
I really, really appreciate all of the answers so far and I am taking all of the advice into consideration. Any other answers/anecdotes/advice are still very welcome.
posted by xiasanlan at 1:50 AM on May 29, 2018
I have spoken to my therapist about it but so far nothing has clicked. I don't want to say goodbye to her just yet though because she has really helped me in other parts of my life, so I'm hoping it's just some more work and time. I figured maybe some extra advice/anecdotes would help me with the therapy side of things a bit more.
@Everydayville Yeah, I did look at her social media. In my defense, my previous SO didn't have an ex and prior to that social media wasn't really a thing, so when I was scoping out HIS social media at the beginning of our relationship it didn't really dawn on me how much of an issue it would become. I just browsed through some stuff, saw some stuff he was tagged in, and it didn't bother me until a lot later when I became way more invested.
@peacheater It's not really about the public displays of affection per se - he has said he'd post pictures of me if I want. It's the very fact that I have to ask, and that it's something I want rather than something he wants to do of his own accord. It's totally me just dwelling in the comparison, and it's unhealthy, but it still hurts me. If I were to specifically say "hey can you please post pictures of me more often", I guess I wouldn't find any photo he posted terribly special since it's just an appeasement rather than a genuine desire like with her.
I really, really appreciate all of the answers so far and I am taking all of the advice into consideration. Any other answers/anecdotes/advice are still very welcome.
posted by xiasanlan at 1:50 AM on May 29, 2018
You say before your current partner, you were with someone for seven years, and that "crashed and burned epically". That means you probably know that intense relationships aren't always great. What would you say to your current partner if he said, "you were with that guy for seven years, and it crashed and burned - am I your safe rebound?"
Incidentally, I met my husband while I was studying abroad in - sorry - Japan, and he had just gotten out of a long-distance thing with a girl he had met on exchange in Singapore. (He's Japanese.) She didn't want an LDR, and apparently he even flew back to meet her once, although I am pretty murky on the details. If she had continued their relationship, we would not be married today. Am I glad things worked out like this? Hell yes! Once in a while, I ask him if he is happy his life turned out the way it did, and he says yes. I do feel anxious about it on occasion, because he originally never wanted to get married, but changed his mind when I said it was important to me. (Would he have married the other girl? He was staunchly anti-marriage when we first met.) Different partners change you in different ways, but I think it's important that you're together NOW.
I do hear you about wanting him to want to show you off on social media, but I think maybe he's just so secure in your relationship that he doesn't feel the need for it anymore? Or he read that article floating around about people who flaunt their love on Facebook being actually less happy in reality? (I wonder if there is any empirical proof for that.)
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:58 AM on May 29, 2018
Incidentally, I met my husband while I was studying abroad in - sorry - Japan, and he had just gotten out of a long-distance thing with a girl he had met on exchange in Singapore. (He's Japanese.) She didn't want an LDR, and apparently he even flew back to meet her once, although I am pretty murky on the details. If she had continued their relationship, we would not be married today. Am I glad things worked out like this? Hell yes! Once in a while, I ask him if he is happy his life turned out the way it did, and he says yes. I do feel anxious about it on occasion, because he originally never wanted to get married, but changed his mind when I said it was important to me. (Would he have married the other girl? He was staunchly anti-marriage when we first met.) Different partners change you in different ways, but I think it's important that you're together NOW.
I do hear you about wanting him to want to show you off on social media, but I think maybe he's just so secure in your relationship that he doesn't feel the need for it anymore? Or he read that article floating around about people who flaunt their love on Facebook being actually less happy in reality? (I wonder if there is any empirical proof for that.)
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:58 AM on May 29, 2018
We live in a distraction-saturated culture, and we're all taught early that boredom is the least acceptable feeling there can possibly be; so we all train ourselves and each other to react to boredom by seeking some kind of distraction from it. So not only does our culture make distractions really really easy to find - hell, most of us have taken to carrying portable distraction engines around in our own pockets! - we're also all very skilled at finding them, and we habitually respond to any negative feeling, not just boredom, by seeking out the nearest, handiest distraction.
As a result, most of the time we don't bother examining the source of a negative feeling; we just throw it straight under the distraction bus until it goes away. But sometimes it turns out that the handiest distraction is to tell ourselves a story. And if a we happen to pick a story that itself gives rise to a negative feeling, and we respond in our habitual way by seeking the nearest distraction, and the nearest distraction is the story we're telling ourselves, then down down down into the anxiety spiral we go until we're really fucking miserable.
So as things stand at present, you will start in on this ridiculous story about how things might have been, and how they might turn out, and how awful all of that is going to be, and what a terrible boring unacceptable substitute for a proper exciting partner you are, and you just don't notice you're telling yourself a ridiculous, unhelpful, destructive story because you're just fully immersed in the content of that story. You end up driving yourself off the road and into the weeds because the story you're telling yourself has become indistinguishable from reality, which happens because you have failed to notice that telling yourself a story is actually what you're doing right now.
And this is completely, absolutely normal. Because it turns out that noticing what we're doing right now is also a specific skill, and it typically doesn't come naturally; it's a skill we distraction-addled human beings just lack until we've put in many, many hours of practice at acquiring it.
So the reason that some kind of meditation practice will help you, as jbenben correctly points out that it will, is that just about any meditative practice is essentially practice at noticing what you're doing right now.
And once you've built that skill, and made it a habit, what you will find is that you become able to spot that tired old story about how awful and inadequate you are by comparison with this mystical Japan-conquering beast before it's got properly into its stride, and just laugh at the fact that Oh Dear It Seems I'm Doing That Thing Again. At which point you can either sing along with it, or recast it into the voice of your favourite movie villain, or turn it into an episode of the Famous Five per Enid Blyton, or just go pfffft and put it aside and get on with the washing-up or whatever it is you'd rather do than spend the next half hour on lovingly and considerately reminding yourself how completely dreadful you are.
Because your partner's ex-lover is not the problem. The problem is that you keep telling yourself these bullshit stories about how wonderful she was and therefore how crap you must be by comparison. And if you get good at catching yourself in the act of doing that, you can make your actual problem just go away.
posted by flabdablet at 2:24 AM on May 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
As a result, most of the time we don't bother examining the source of a negative feeling; we just throw it straight under the distraction bus until it goes away. But sometimes it turns out that the handiest distraction is to tell ourselves a story. And if a we happen to pick a story that itself gives rise to a negative feeling, and we respond in our habitual way by seeking the nearest distraction, and the nearest distraction is the story we're telling ourselves, then down down down into the anxiety spiral we go until we're really fucking miserable.
So as things stand at present, you will start in on this ridiculous story about how things might have been, and how they might turn out, and how awful all of that is going to be, and what a terrible boring unacceptable substitute for a proper exciting partner you are, and you just don't notice you're telling yourself a ridiculous, unhelpful, destructive story because you're just fully immersed in the content of that story. You end up driving yourself off the road and into the weeds because the story you're telling yourself has become indistinguishable from reality, which happens because you have failed to notice that telling yourself a story is actually what you're doing right now.
And this is completely, absolutely normal. Because it turns out that noticing what we're doing right now is also a specific skill, and it typically doesn't come naturally; it's a skill we distraction-addled human beings just lack until we've put in many, many hours of practice at acquiring it.
So the reason that some kind of meditation practice will help you, as jbenben correctly points out that it will, is that just about any meditative practice is essentially practice at noticing what you're doing right now.
And once you've built that skill, and made it a habit, what you will find is that you become able to spot that tired old story about how awful and inadequate you are by comparison with this mystical Japan-conquering beast before it's got properly into its stride, and just laugh at the fact that Oh Dear It Seems I'm Doing That Thing Again. At which point you can either sing along with it, or recast it into the voice of your favourite movie villain, or turn it into an episode of the Famous Five per Enid Blyton, or just go pfffft and put it aside and get on with the washing-up or whatever it is you'd rather do than spend the next half hour on lovingly and considerately reminding yourself how completely dreadful you are.
Because your partner's ex-lover is not the problem. The problem is that you keep telling yourself these bullshit stories about how wonderful she was and therefore how crap you must be by comparison. And if you get good at catching yourself in the act of doing that, you can make your actual problem just go away.
posted by flabdablet at 2:24 AM on May 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
It's not really about the public displays of affection per se - he has said he'd post pictures of me if I want. It's the very fact that I have to ask, and that it's something I want rather than something he wants to do of his own accord. It's totally me just dwelling in the comparison, and it's unhealthy, but it still hurts me. If I were to specifically say "hey can you please post pictures of me more often", I guess I wouldn't find any photo he posted terribly special since it's just an appeasement rather than a genuine desire like with her.
Are you sure she wasn't asking him to post photos at that time or it wasn't a reflection of their distant relationship? A lot of LDRs involve PDAs because private displays are so hard and often people need to see their love reflected in order to deal with the loneliness or worries that distance provides. If he's not a social media guy, like me, then our social feeds don't necessarily reflect what is truly most important to us. Like - I look back at my feed and I was much more active with certain exes in my early 20's than I am with my now-wife. That's not a reflection of who matters but what the time/period was in my life.
Also - you seem to have shoved yourself between a rock and a hard place here. You have brought this up and he's offered to post photos, but you also don't want him to post photos because you want them. You're completely dismissing a very real way to show love in a relationship is to do things that matter to your partner because they matter to them. The very fact he's willing to bend is a sign he cares about you and wants you to be happy - let him make you happy.
Advice on the internet often says 'If he wanted to be with her, he would be' but I don't think that's necessarily true -- people are hung up on their exes all the time and can't be with them for one reason or another.
Honestly, I think you need to get out of your own head here. Everything in this question is about you rejecting words and actions that your boyfriend and others are providing you and overriding it with your own internal monologue of what's really going on or how things really are. Our brains believe they're detectives but most of the time they're wrong. Start recognizing when things are real and things are "created" by your own brain and physically say to yourself "I'm going to take him at his word" as a way to redirect your mind to trusting people to be saying what they really mean.
Also - it should go without saying, but stop creeping on social media. Have your boyfriend unfriend you/block you if you are unable to stop looking at his exes photos.
posted by notorious medium at 3:56 AM on May 29, 2018 [11 favorites]
Are you sure she wasn't asking him to post photos at that time or it wasn't a reflection of their distant relationship? A lot of LDRs involve PDAs because private displays are so hard and often people need to see their love reflected in order to deal with the loneliness or worries that distance provides. If he's not a social media guy, like me, then our social feeds don't necessarily reflect what is truly most important to us. Like - I look back at my feed and I was much more active with certain exes in my early 20's than I am with my now-wife. That's not a reflection of who matters but what the time/period was in my life.
Also - you seem to have shoved yourself between a rock and a hard place here. You have brought this up and he's offered to post photos, but you also don't want him to post photos because you want them. You're completely dismissing a very real way to show love in a relationship is to do things that matter to your partner because they matter to them. The very fact he's willing to bend is a sign he cares about you and wants you to be happy - let him make you happy.
Advice on the internet often says 'If he wanted to be with her, he would be' but I don't think that's necessarily true -- people are hung up on their exes all the time and can't be with them for one reason or another.
Honestly, I think you need to get out of your own head here. Everything in this question is about you rejecting words and actions that your boyfriend and others are providing you and overriding it with your own internal monologue of what's really going on or how things really are. Our brains believe they're detectives but most of the time they're wrong. Start recognizing when things are real and things are "created" by your own brain and physically say to yourself "I'm going to take him at his word" as a way to redirect your mind to trusting people to be saying what they really mean.
Also - it should go without saying, but stop creeping on social media. Have your boyfriend unfriend you/block you if you are unable to stop looking at his exes photos.
posted by notorious medium at 3:56 AM on May 29, 2018 [11 favorites]
Honestly, I think you need to get out of your own head here.
It seems like a lot of advice you're getting here is learning some strategies to let go of this type of thinking. It does seem like your brain has gone into a bout of obsessive thinking/reassurance-seeking mode and you may be well-served getting a few sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy in. It seems like you're in a place right now where these thoughts are getting out of control and although you recognize you want them to stop, you don't know how. Crowdsourcing answers about whether or not your relationship has legs feels a lot like reassurance-seeking and unstoppable rumination. If you're in talk therapy and discussing this relationship, you may be inadvertently feeding this type of thinking. Maybe get a CBT workbook or check in with a CBT specialist so you can learn to recognize this way of thinking.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:26 AM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
It seems like a lot of advice you're getting here is learning some strategies to let go of this type of thinking. It does seem like your brain has gone into a bout of obsessive thinking/reassurance-seeking mode and you may be well-served getting a few sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy in. It seems like you're in a place right now where these thoughts are getting out of control and although you recognize you want them to stop, you don't know how. Crowdsourcing answers about whether or not your relationship has legs feels a lot like reassurance-seeking and unstoppable rumination. If you're in talk therapy and discussing this relationship, you may be inadvertently feeding this type of thinking. Maybe get a CBT workbook or check in with a CBT specialist so you can learn to recognize this way of thinking.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:26 AM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was really angry with someone about something and this meditation helped me stop ruminating and let it go. I set a timer and only did it for 3 min a day. I did not find it hard. I imagine it works on the same mechanism that EMDR or EFT therapies work for trauma, by reprogramming your neural pathways and/or nervous system a bit. Meditation here.
I didn't remember the video was titled about cellphone addiction, it works for any compulsive behavior or thoughts. You can skip the tuning in mantra, I always did. A more in depth explanation of this meditation here.
Here's another one you can do on the fly for a few seconds as necessary that will help you a lot. Ready?
Whenever his ex crosses your mind, take a moment to visualize this stranger receiving their heart's desire. Now, you don't know this person at all, but we have all experienced deep personal joy, so simply imagine this person in a state of pure joy. Imagine briefly this joy is from achieving the goal they've strived for their whole life. Like the moment of graduation. Really feel it for a hot second. Then go back to thinking about your grocery list or your aunt's birthday, or whatever. If you find this person crosses your mind, picture them happy for a moment or two, then move on.
This visualization works for anyone that is pissing you off or is under your skin. By reprogramming how you consciously visualize a particular person (and therefore the situation around them) you automatically reprogram your subconscious to focus on more pleasant and fulfilling people and situations.
I grinded away in talk therapy off and on from my early teens through my late 30's. Techniques like these are more effective IMHE and I wish I had tried them sooner. There are ways to re-train your brain to have better thoughts, there is science to behind these techniques. They work. They are relatively easy. They do not require meds or paying someone hundreds of dollars. They do require you to be conscious of your mind and that you pick up a tool and use it regularly until you don't need the tool any longer.
The science says a new habit is often formed with repetition between 20 to 40 days. Surely you can spend a month to achieve get lifelong beneficial change, right? If you fail at first or forget a day, that's OK! Just start again. Keep starting again until the thing you are working on disappears, which will happen almost before you know it if you apply these techniques.
posted by jbenben at 7:01 AM on May 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
I didn't remember the video was titled about cellphone addiction, it works for any compulsive behavior or thoughts. You can skip the tuning in mantra, I always did. A more in depth explanation of this meditation here.
Here's another one you can do on the fly for a few seconds as necessary that will help you a lot. Ready?
Whenever his ex crosses your mind, take a moment to visualize this stranger receiving their heart's desire. Now, you don't know this person at all, but we have all experienced deep personal joy, so simply imagine this person in a state of pure joy. Imagine briefly this joy is from achieving the goal they've strived for their whole life. Like the moment of graduation. Really feel it for a hot second. Then go back to thinking about your grocery list or your aunt's birthday, or whatever. If you find this person crosses your mind, picture them happy for a moment or two, then move on.
This visualization works for anyone that is pissing you off or is under your skin. By reprogramming how you consciously visualize a particular person (and therefore the situation around them) you automatically reprogram your subconscious to focus on more pleasant and fulfilling people and situations.
I grinded away in talk therapy off and on from my early teens through my late 30's. Techniques like these are more effective IMHE and I wish I had tried them sooner. There are ways to re-train your brain to have better thoughts, there is science to behind these techniques. They work. They are relatively easy. They do not require meds or paying someone hundreds of dollars. They do require you to be conscious of your mind and that you pick up a tool and use it regularly until you don't need the tool any longer.
The science says a new habit is often formed with repetition between 20 to 40 days. Surely you can spend a month to achieve get lifelong beneficial change, right? If you fail at first or forget a day, that's OK! Just start again. Keep starting again until the thing you are working on disappears, which will happen almost before you know it if you apply these techniques.
posted by jbenben at 7:01 AM on May 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
What if you were his best friend? What if you had random, organic conversations with your bf regarding his ex (and everything else under the sun), where he was safe to talk openly and honestly with you. "Do you miss [ex] sometimes? Was it really exciting to be with her? Was the sex just the best ever? When she wanted to see other men, were you ever tempted to hook up with other women?" My strategy isn't to block out reality, it is to get into it and honor it. The sorrow, fear, pain, lust, and everything else that your bf has experienced throughout his life-- You are now in the unique position to share that, celebrate it, be grateful for it, respect it, laugh at the absurdity, even share the heartbreak and loss.
This approach isn't for everybody. But, hey, the past is gone. Some of bf's life is over and very few people on the planet give a hoot about the particulars of his experiences. Meanwhile, you are riding shotgun in his life. Now you may not be Missus Excitementpants...
I'll switch this to me-- Regarding my LTR: I wasn't his first love. I didn't carry his baby. I'm not the #1 best looking, smartest, wealthiest, funniest, or professionally successful lady he's ever dated. (Obligatory Chris Farley clip.) But...
If you can be a sincere best bud to your boyfriend, he will be honest with you about this character in a previous chapter in his life, when he also was a different character, and the time and place were different. You might hear that his pain over their breakup was terrible. You might hear that she constantly gave him a hard time about a specific thing. That her desire to see other men made him feel small and insecure.
Whatever the past, it can't be changed, but you uniquely can share it with him. As time clicks by, you will be the person at his side (and he at yours) participating in life NOW and processing and integrating past experiences. Blocking these things only creates rifts and blind spots. Embracing your partner wholly creates intimacy. Nothing to be scared of.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 7:17 AM on May 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
This approach isn't for everybody. But, hey, the past is gone. Some of bf's life is over and very few people on the planet give a hoot about the particulars of his experiences. Meanwhile, you are riding shotgun in his life. Now you may not be Missus Excitementpants...
I'll switch this to me-- Regarding my LTR: I wasn't his first love. I didn't carry his baby. I'm not the #1 best looking, smartest, wealthiest, funniest, or professionally successful lady he's ever dated. (Obligatory Chris Farley clip.) But...
If you can be a sincere best bud to your boyfriend, he will be honest with you about this character in a previous chapter in his life, when he also was a different character, and the time and place were different. You might hear that his pain over their breakup was terrible. You might hear that she constantly gave him a hard time about a specific thing. That her desire to see other men made him feel small and insecure.
Whatever the past, it can't be changed, but you uniquely can share it with him. As time clicks by, you will be the person at his side (and he at yours) participating in life NOW and processing and integrating past experiences. Blocking these things only creates rifts and blind spots. Embracing your partner wholly creates intimacy. Nothing to be scared of.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 7:17 AM on May 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
He is telling you that you are the love of his life. That's awesome! If they were only together for three months there was probably no opportunity for them to develop a truly close attachment to each other. And just because someone posts things on SM doesn't mean anything compared to the actual experience of being with another person. There is nothing in your description of your BF's behaviour that would indicate that he loved her more than you. I understand the feelings you are having, though. I've been in your shoes. It was all based on my own insecurities. Keep up with therapy, it will help. Try to restrict your discussions of it with him, though. It will make your relationship stronger if he doesn't have to always reassure you.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 12:26 PM on May 29, 2018
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 12:26 PM on May 29, 2018
Honestly I feel like the way you use 'La La Land' as an example is really telling...you think the Emma Stone character settled for a "stable, meh guy" in the end? Well as exciting as Ryan Gosling's character was, she didn't end up with him, did she? She chose to marry the other guy, she chose to have a kid with the other guy, and in the last scene, even with the imaginations of "what if", she didn't go up to the stage and choose Ryan Gosling, she chose her husband.
I think the part you're missing is that with that little nod at the end, both she and Ryan gosling's character acknowledged the impact and role they had in each other's lives, but they had both grown past that now. They both fulfilled their dreams, after all. They honored the memory of what they had but they were both in different places in their lives, places they chose. And it's the same here with your relationship. Sure, maybe his previous relationship was special/significant in different ways. But it doesn't matter what it was, because HE CHOSE NOT TO BE IN IT. He chooses not to be in it every day by being, instead, in a relationship with you.
I've had intense relationships, and guess what? Those relationships didn't work out. And frankly at some point, nonstop intensity just sounds exhausting to maintain, and if it dims, you want to be left with something strong and steady--perhaps it's not as "sexy" or "exciting" to some, but it is no less loving.
Right now it sounds like you're not actually present in your relationship--you're chasing his previous relationship. And if you do that you'll always fall short, because you're trying to live up to some imagined ex-girlfriend that has become so much larger in your head. Leave the past in the past. You can't be in your relationship if you're living in someone else's.
posted by sprezzy at 2:19 PM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think the part you're missing is that with that little nod at the end, both she and Ryan gosling's character acknowledged the impact and role they had in each other's lives, but they had both grown past that now. They both fulfilled their dreams, after all. They honored the memory of what they had but they were both in different places in their lives, places they chose. And it's the same here with your relationship. Sure, maybe his previous relationship was special/significant in different ways. But it doesn't matter what it was, because HE CHOSE NOT TO BE IN IT. He chooses not to be in it every day by being, instead, in a relationship with you.
I've had intense relationships, and guess what? Those relationships didn't work out. And frankly at some point, nonstop intensity just sounds exhausting to maintain, and if it dims, you want to be left with something strong and steady--perhaps it's not as "sexy" or "exciting" to some, but it is no less loving.
Right now it sounds like you're not actually present in your relationship--you're chasing his previous relationship. And if you do that you'll always fall short, because you're trying to live up to some imagined ex-girlfriend that has become so much larger in your head. Leave the past in the past. You can't be in your relationship if you're living in someone else's.
posted by sprezzy at 2:19 PM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'd just like to add that the whole facebook thing? In my experience, when people feel the need to put their relationship on display like that-all the lovey-dovey comments and pictures of themselves together just having the best time and look at how in love we are! They are looking for outside validation because they know that something isn't right in the relationship. And those relationships never seem to last. You've already been with this guy longer than they were together. Facebook can be so superficial and I believe he thinks your relationship is more than that.
posted by poppunkcat at 5:03 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by poppunkcat at 5:03 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I appreciate everyone's input so much. There's no best answer because I legitimately got something from every single response and I'm feeling hopeful. Reading some of these responses made me extremely emotional in a very positive way. I will definitely start doing some meditation/exercises to retrain my brain, rather than ruminating endlessly about this whole thing on my own and at therapy. My boyfriend has definitely given me no reason to doubt him and I owe him the respect to take him at his word. Going to work hard at this, fingers crossed! Thanks again.
posted by xiasanlan at 9:38 PM on May 29, 2018
posted by xiasanlan at 9:38 PM on May 29, 2018
Ok, so an answer in two parts:
1. Yes, what you're describing I distinctly experienced. When I met my husband, I was hung up on not one but two dudes who dumped me after exciting whirlwind 3-5 month long romances in the prior 1.5 years. (And I've come to view that 3-6 month timeframe as the most intoxicating. It's while we're still infatuated and real conflicts and misalignments aren't nearly as clear. It's easy to leave those relationships with a sense of great loss that's probably not very accurate.) I've talked about this before, but I did feel like I was somewhat settling for my husband because the relationship was so easy and stable in comparison to those two. In addition, he was just out of a 6-7 year long passionate and tumultuous relationship too, and probably also felt like he wasn't as head over heels for me as he was for his ex whom he dated for most of his 20s. Several years down the line, we are deeply and desperately in love, with each other and with our baby daughter, and feel 100% blessed to be with one another. I've hit it out of the ballpark, to use his phrase about me. I also feel lucky to have avoided those two dudes in the long term (one was literally sadistic; I remember feeling a little creeped out by how he seemed to derive pleasure from telling me out of nowhere that he was leaving and he'd never love me. He asked if he could see me cry. The other was just neurotic and rigidly principled; at 33 he slept on the floor because 'beds are unmanly.')
HOWEVER
2. I wonder if just hearing this is going to help. It sounds like you're feeling very anxious and it's not clear that anecdotes about what's possible will actually ease your mind. Are your anxieties stemming from your head or your heart? DO you feel like you two are connected? Are you counting pictures on facebook to measure the strength of your relationship? If so, stop it. Or are you sensing that you're not as connected as you'd like to be? If the latter, then have some very honest conversations with him about how he feels and where he would like to see this go. If it's just your head telling you that he must not be into it because she told him she wanted to make out with other people, drop it (I, for one, would find that not sexy and hard to get but immature and unappealing - it sounds like a high school girl at summer camp. Talk about polyamory or openness if you want, but wtf is 'I get to make out with other dudes?') Anyway, to summarize: if your head is telling you stories about how he must not be that into you because X or Y, learn to recognize those thoughts and question them. If it's your heart telling you he's not into it, take other action
posted by namesarehard at 8:52 AM on May 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
1. Yes, what you're describing I distinctly experienced. When I met my husband, I was hung up on not one but two dudes who dumped me after exciting whirlwind 3-5 month long romances in the prior 1.5 years. (And I've come to view that 3-6 month timeframe as the most intoxicating. It's while we're still infatuated and real conflicts and misalignments aren't nearly as clear. It's easy to leave those relationships with a sense of great loss that's probably not very accurate.) I've talked about this before, but I did feel like I was somewhat settling for my husband because the relationship was so easy and stable in comparison to those two. In addition, he was just out of a 6-7 year long passionate and tumultuous relationship too, and probably also felt like he wasn't as head over heels for me as he was for his ex whom he dated for most of his 20s. Several years down the line, we are deeply and desperately in love, with each other and with our baby daughter, and feel 100% blessed to be with one another. I've hit it out of the ballpark, to use his phrase about me. I also feel lucky to have avoided those two dudes in the long term (one was literally sadistic; I remember feeling a little creeped out by how he seemed to derive pleasure from telling me out of nowhere that he was leaving and he'd never love me. He asked if he could see me cry. The other was just neurotic and rigidly principled; at 33 he slept on the floor because 'beds are unmanly.')
HOWEVER
2. I wonder if just hearing this is going to help. It sounds like you're feeling very anxious and it's not clear that anecdotes about what's possible will actually ease your mind. Are your anxieties stemming from your head or your heart? DO you feel like you two are connected? Are you counting pictures on facebook to measure the strength of your relationship? If so, stop it. Or are you sensing that you're not as connected as you'd like to be? If the latter, then have some very honest conversations with him about how he feels and where he would like to see this go. If it's just your head telling you that he must not be into it because she told him she wanted to make out with other people, drop it (I, for one, would find that not sexy and hard to get but immature and unappealing - it sounds like a high school girl at summer camp. Talk about polyamory or openness if you want, but wtf is 'I get to make out with other dudes?') Anyway, to summarize: if your head is telling you stories about how he must not be that into you because X or Y, learn to recognize those thoughts and question them. If it's your heart telling you he's not into it, take other action
posted by namesarehard at 8:52 AM on May 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
So, a few things: the extra social media posting may very well have been because he was in a long distance relationship; you have a lot of time when you can’t see your partner. Vacations make for interesting photos, too.
But, I’m going to say: take him up on his offer to post something about you on social media. Tell him what you do want and need. I told my (long distance, ugh) boyfriend early on that I felt silly about it, but I really like social media “likes” from him. He’s not on social media very often, but I get a string of notifications when he is, as those “likes” pop up. It takes him about 30seconds, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Expressing your wants is part of a healthy relationship, and even better is when your partner is happy to meet them. Try not to get caught up in “But I want him to want to do it without my asking!” That way lies madness.
Next, I wonder if it might help to try to cultivate gratitude towards this woman and her relationship with your boyfriend. Certainly something about who he is with you is a result of this relationship, right? His travels, his life experiences, his appreciation of you... How wonderful that he had the opportunity to have this relationship that gave him some interesting experiences.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:34 AM on June 1, 2018
But, I’m going to say: take him up on his offer to post something about you on social media. Tell him what you do want and need. I told my (long distance, ugh) boyfriend early on that I felt silly about it, but I really like social media “likes” from him. He’s not on social media very often, but I get a string of notifications when he is, as those “likes” pop up. It takes him about 30seconds, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Expressing your wants is part of a healthy relationship, and even better is when your partner is happy to meet them. Try not to get caught up in “But I want him to want to do it without my asking!” That way lies madness.
Next, I wonder if it might help to try to cultivate gratitude towards this woman and her relationship with your boyfriend. Certainly something about who he is with you is a result of this relationship, right? His travels, his life experiences, his appreciation of you... How wonderful that he had the opportunity to have this relationship that gave him some interesting experiences.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:34 AM on June 1, 2018
When I met my now husband and we told each other about our exes, he told me about his ex girlfriend he’d had a long long on again off again relationship with. I was a very insecure codependent person back then and I spent the first 3 or so years of our relationship making myself miserable, insecure and lonely SO OFTEN. I never thought I’d get to where I am now. I feel no threat anymore. If I really think about it I feel a little insecure but I remind myself that’s just me self sabotaging and that she’s nothing to me. It took a long time. My husband was very patient with me and I’m lucky for that. When we moved in together it got easy. When we got married it got really easy.
The social media thing. My husband has probably mentioned me on social media/posted me on social media less times than I can count on two hands. Probably more like one. He is NOT that kind of person. At all. I initially was horrified by that but really he just doesn’t spend any time thinking about other people and he is so busy living his life he doesn’t even think to show that life to anyone else. He only posted a picture of us on our wedding day because we eloped in secret and wanted to blow everyone’s minds.
I posted about him a lot when we first met because I couldn’t believe this person wanted to be with me and because I wanted everyone to see how happy I was. The longer we’ve been together the less I’ve done it because it’s just life and I’m not consciously trying to impress anyone now. I used to post because I wanted other people to see me a certain way. Now I don’t even think about it.
Basically, dealing with insecurity takes time and it’s really difficult but the most difficult part is identifying that you’re being insecure and a bit irrational so you’re already doing great!
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:33 PM on June 18, 2018
The social media thing. My husband has probably mentioned me on social media/posted me on social media less times than I can count on two hands. Probably more like one. He is NOT that kind of person. At all. I initially was horrified by that but really he just doesn’t spend any time thinking about other people and he is so busy living his life he doesn’t even think to show that life to anyone else. He only posted a picture of us on our wedding day because we eloped in secret and wanted to blow everyone’s minds.
I posted about him a lot when we first met because I couldn’t believe this person wanted to be with me and because I wanted everyone to see how happy I was. The longer we’ve been together the less I’ve done it because it’s just life and I’m not consciously trying to impress anyone now. I used to post because I wanted other people to see me a certain way. Now I don’t even think about it.
Basically, dealing with insecurity takes time and it’s really difficult but the most difficult part is identifying that you’re being insecure and a bit irrational so you’re already doing great!
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:33 PM on June 18, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
You will enjoy your present and quit focusing on his past if you get a practice and really commit to self-work. I can't tell you strenuously enough how important a practice is if you want to stop sabotaging the good things in your life.
He can't do it for you, your therapist can't do it for you. Only you can do it. Get a practice.
I know that seems counterintuitive, but this will work.
posted by jbenben at 9:55 PM on May 28, 2018 [13 favorites]