How do I not fail the Voigt—Kampff test?

May 10, 2018 7:27 AM

I need to communicate with long-distance SO. It's about my mental health, treatment, and the impact on my work and our roadmap for the future. However, fear arising from past experiences grapples me. How do I keep myself intact while reaching true communication and understanding?

Let me begin by requesting your patience and thank you for bearing with me.

Right now I have depression and social anxiety, and there may be other psychiatric problems to be diagnosed (I'm not a doctor and I can't self-diagnose, but my family genetic makeup and personal experience during development didn't predispose me to a healthy mind). I am already in psychotherapy and I will get an evaluation to know whether medication is advised by a specialist. The underlying problem was chronic and I don't feel that for the past 15 years I've ever really recovered. A simple description without going into too much detail is that I feel like crap in the morning and only slightly better in the evening (when my body gives up and wants sleep), not feeling joyful or motivated, having trouble with sleep and too little appetite, and I can get panicky suddenly, usually in the morning. When it's bad I have very low self-regard and feel defenceless and helpless.

The health issues are hitting me on all fronts including, work and life. They cloud my brain, disable my communications, and then I suffer alone in silence. My SO is not around at the moment due to our career reasons, and I need to communicate to her what I know about my illness and my plans.

The problem is that I find this overwhelming and I don't know where to start. In the past, my mental health has been a focus of discord and communication failure. What with my clumsy attempt to communicate and what with her unfamiliarity with mental health, I always botched it. I felt that she might not want to listen (which I understand and can't blame her for), and I tended to just suppress and hide the symptoms. Before we last separated, I was hit by a severe depression episode, and she was very impatient and angry at my behaviour and felt helpless as I had a full-scale panic attack, which obviously wasn't helped by her reactions. I called a crisis line and afterwards we managed to talk a bit. It might have averted a bigger crisis but I felt unable to move beyond that.

I fear that this may happen again and I fear I'd hurt myself, although I'll certainly try not to. And I fear that even if we may reach the goal of communication, we may have to walk on hot coal before we get there. And I don't want her to walk on hot coal. And while I'm walking on hot coal I tend to fall into a dysfunctional state, unable to deeply listen to her fully, or say what I mean to say. I may just end up saying just "yes" or "you're right" to everything.

I understand that she cares about me, but when I'm under a lot of stress I can't get in touch with the thinking, understanding part of me. I feel under attack and I lose direction and can't be the me with functional empathy. I overload like a blown fuse and suffer inside.

Now I have much less problem making statements about myself to you and other people who are not so close to me, compared with how I was like before getting psychotherapy. In fact just now I met two acquaintances and I had no problem expressing myself. But I have trouble opening up to her, or anyone who is close, whose connection with me really weighs.

I am overwhelmed by fear and self-loathing and I fear her judgement. I feel that I've failed her by failing to communicate more successfully earlier, and by not making another good attempt for fear of botching it. I fear that I'll be wasting her time and adding to her own stress. I fear that by letting her know about how I suffer, she'll suffer too. I fear that she could be mad at me. I fear that she'll be either minimizing or catastrophizing and then feel that she must strong-arm me into something (she's not a doctor either, I tried to point out that she doesn't have to personally take over my battle, but I'm not sure if I got myself really understood). I accept that her judgements can be valid and with merit but the way she used to express them was very triggering, and I tend to shut down when triggered. And the memory of past episodes weigh on me.

The reason I want to communicate to her now is not merely based on an abstract sense of obligation. It's very practical because we need to make decisions about life directions in the coming months and years. I think I need to let her understand that I'm not fully able right now, and that some re-focusing could be needed. For example the near-term I think I may need to focus on health and recovery more, and I may not be as devoted to and successful in my career as we'd love to. I may have her disappointed despite my efforts but that will not prevent me from trying.

In fact I'm getting all the help I can get including professional help, trying to get the most from them despite feeling, amid the cloud of depression, dense like a rock and not absorbing the help. I'm drawing up plans, and helping myself, and I need more. I need to reach understanding with her. But I fear it cannot be done without weathering a storm that is going to hurt her and may knock me out.

posted by runcifex to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Best answer: You've written this all very clearly and kindly. Could you send her a link to this question as a way of starting the conversation? That would communicate some of what you are going through at the moment, your fears, and your ultimate desire to be on the same team.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:54 AM on May 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

It sounds like a conversation that would benefit enormously from being done face-to-face. Is there any possibility you can get to her, or her to you? I agree that writing this out or sending her a link to this question (as tchemgrrl suggests) might be a good way to get this discussion started. You need to be as straight and honest as you can and you both need empathy and kindness.
posted by humuhumu at 7:59 AM on May 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

In addition to tchemgrrl's great advice to use what you've written here, perhaps you could schedule an appointment with your therapist and invite your SO? The therapist might be able to help ease communication and lower the stress levels?
posted by mcduff at 8:10 AM on May 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Are you bound legally to this relationship via marriage or something? How important is this person to you, it does not sound like they are equipped or willing to deal with the things you're going to have to deal with. At the very least, it seems historically it's been a stressor that's been avoided or preferred to be put to the side? How long will y'all continue to be apart, how long were together prior? Maybe I'm just wrong about all of this but I get the sense you're almost dancing around talking about how not being in the relationship might be better for both of you?
posted by GoblinHoney at 11:37 AM on May 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

I'm going to put this out there: based on what you wrote and how you wrote it, I am concerned that you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship at worst or at least one that is very unhappy and unfulfilling. You deserve to be and feel supported and validated by your partner, and not always feel you have to prove that you're not lying. You are seeing a therapist and working to make positive changes, which is wonderful. However, you are already "good enough" and "worthy" as a person and as a partner. If your partner doesn't like, respect or appreciate you for your positives and is instead angry at you for what she perceives as negatives -- and they may not even be, then she should end the relationship. You can also end the relationship because you deserve to be treated better than you are now. I may be totally off here but I can relate to a lot of what you wrote from a past relationship where my ex used my path to improve my mental health as a tool to manipulate and denigrate me. I'm doing well now but I wish I had gotten out earlier. My therapist, psychiatrist, and loved ones have been so validating and helpful but some times it's hard to look back and not believe the negativity. Maybe you have difficulty communicating, maybe she's awful at communicating, maybe it's just not a good relationship for either of you. Again, I want you to trust yourself and your gut but it sounds like something is amiss in this relationship and you're blaming yourself and/or being (unfairly) blamed for it all.
posted by smorgasbord at 2:32 PM on May 10, 2018 [5 favorites]

I also think your partner's reaction is very worrying and shows a complete lack of understanding and empathy.

My ex boyfriend and I had a very dysfunctional relationship but he still sat with me in the middle of the night when I had panic attacks, he still walked with me outside in the middle of the night when I was so antsy and panicky that I couldn't bear to be inside.

My flatmate sat up with me, making cups of tea and talking until I felt I could sleep, right after I'd woken her up saying I thought I was dying and needed an ambulance.
Another flatmate picked me up from the hospital at 7am, despite the hour round trip, despite having work that day, because I'd had a massive panic attack and gone to hospital (thinking I'd had a heart attack).

Now it is my husband who sits up with me and holds my hand, or goes outside with me, on the (now very rare) occasions this happens, even if he has work the next day (he works 10 hour days as a cleaner).

These people had not experienced panic themselves, they were just kind. Sometimes they joke about it with me now, but only gently.

For most people, these are baseline things that they do for those around them. Having experienced mental illness, I would even do these things for strangers, to be honest. I have anxiety, you have depression. It is the people around us who make the difference.
Edited to add that in case it wasn't clear I'm trying to say that the last thing someone who cares about you should offer you right now is judgment.
posted by thereader at 3:00 PM on May 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you for your responses and I'm very encouraged by the suggestion to use this post itself as a starting point. A bare link of course won't work, and I will translate it to our own language, remove redundant stuff, and add in some relevant details that I cannot present here for privacy reasons.

As for whether this relationship is abusive I don't think this is an important point now. What counts as "abusive" is hinged on the legal and social constructs and it varies from one place to another. In fact I feel at times that I am the abusive party in this relationship. Can I imagine a better one? Of course. Am I entitled to one? Of course not. That's not something I can reach if I do not cure the social anxiety, which will turn any close relationship sour.

Obviously the relationship is not working well, otherwise I wouldn't have been asking. Although I feel it's regrettable, I think trying to communicate better is definitely something I want to do before writing it off (I doubt I ever can). I don't want to pre-suppose a telos, a target either in the form of "we should end it" or "we should not." I see this as something to be revealed by communication and understanding.

So I'll try to write something up, probably more concise but also more relevant to palpable feelings and experiences we shared. Thank you for your encouragement!

Also the idea of having her with me in therapy has already been vetoed because the therapist cannot be both our family therapist and my individual therapist. It's OK if we find another therapist for family therapy though.
posted by runcifex at 4:00 AM on May 11, 2018

Response by poster: Update: I wrote the letter. Although there were conflicts and charged emotions, it was infinitely better than not writing one.
posted by runcifex at 6:04 AM on May 14, 2018 [2 favorites]