Boundaries in a long distance relationship..
April 14, 2018 2:28 AM Subscribe
What are some healthy boundaries that are usually instigated regarding members of the opposite sex?
Long distance girlfriend has expressed interest in meeting up with a male coworker she just met for drinks. I feel uncomfortable. Should there be no boundaries in a long distance relationship? We’ve only been together for four months. Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable? I’m scared she might see something in new people she’s meeting.
Long distance girlfriend has expressed interest in meeting up with a male coworker she just met for drinks. I feel uncomfortable. Should there be no boundaries in a long distance relationship? We’ve only been together for four months. Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable? I’m scared she might see something in new people she’s meeting.
There are no 'should's here. It doesn't matter what other people consider good and healthy boundaries. What matters is the boundaries that you and your girlfriend can agree on together.
It also doesn't matter whether or not you are wrong to feel uncomfortable; the fact is that you do. The way you feel is the way you feel. Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings and worries, because that is the only way forward.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:53 AM on April 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
It also doesn't matter whether or not you are wrong to feel uncomfortable; the fact is that you do. The way you feel is the way you feel. Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings and worries, because that is the only way forward.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:53 AM on April 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Everyone's boundaries are different. Mine are pretty simple. If you're my partner and with a member of the opposite sex that you're attracted to, if you want to say or do something with them but wouldn't feel comfortable doing it in front of me, then you probably shouldn't be doing it at all. That goes for texting etc too. If you wouldn't want me reading it, you probably shouldn't be sending it.
So far as your girlfriend, I think drinks are fine. And yes, maybe she will see something in new people she meets. She's human. Just because she's your girlfriend, doesn't mean she's blind. I'm sure you're capable of being attracted to others too. Doesn't mean you act on it though. You have to decide that you either trust her or you don't, otherwise a LDR will never work for you. Just talk to her.
posted by Jubey at 3:38 AM on April 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
So far as your girlfriend, I think drinks are fine. And yes, maybe she will see something in new people she meets. She's human. Just because she's your girlfriend, doesn't mean she's blind. I'm sure you're capable of being attracted to others too. Doesn't mean you act on it though. You have to decide that you either trust her or you don't, otherwise a LDR will never work for you. Just talk to her.
posted by Jubey at 3:38 AM on April 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
Sounds like you don't trust her.
I don't think it's boundaries as much as trust and LDRs are really really hard for this reason. Your partner gets to have a life without you around, and you both have to be 100% sure that the life they're living doesn't involve them doing anything that jeopardizes what the two of you have together. Texts they wouldn't want you to read, doing things with people they wouldn't do in front of you, you need to trust that they're not going to do stuff like that.
You're either certain she is having an awesome and happy life when you're not together and you're happy for that, or you don't trust what she does. You need to figure out if these are trust issues on your part, if she's acting in an untrustworthy way (hiding her phone type of thing) or if there's some combination that maybe this isn't for you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:04 AM on April 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't think it's boundaries as much as trust and LDRs are really really hard for this reason. Your partner gets to have a life without you around, and you both have to be 100% sure that the life they're living doesn't involve them doing anything that jeopardizes what the two of you have together. Texts they wouldn't want you to read, doing things with people they wouldn't do in front of you, you need to trust that they're not going to do stuff like that.
You're either certain she is having an awesome and happy life when you're not together and you're happy for that, or you don't trust what she does. You need to figure out if these are trust issues on your part, if she's acting in an untrustworthy way (hiding her phone type of thing) or if there's some combination that maybe this isn't for you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:04 AM on April 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
There are no rules about what boundaries can and can't be in a relationship—they are whatever works for the people in that particular relationship. That said, if my hypothetical partner (long distance or otherwise) tried to tell me that I couldn't hang out with people of the opposite sex, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I would read it as a major lack of trust and as an attempt to control and isolate me, and I would react badly. I think a lot of people would feel that way.
Your girlfriend is not doing anything wrong by wanting to get some drinks with a coworker. In most healthy relationships, the fact that the coworker is male should be irrelevant. You should examine why this is making you feel uncomfortable. Is there some additional factor (e.g. a history of infidelity) that has weakened your trust in her? Do you simply not feel secure in this relationship? Do you have a hard time feeling secure in relationships in general? Have you internalized some of the misogyny in our culture in such a way as to make you feel as though you are entitled to control your partners' social interactions?
Spend some time thinking this stuff over and trying to figure out where your discomfort is coming from before you bring these issues to your girlfriend. If you're feeling insecure about her engaging in normal social interactions like this, either there's something wrong with the relationship or there's something wrong with your expectations. Your question doesn't give me much to go on as far as figuring out what the root cause is, but you should do the emotional work necessary to figure that out before you voice your issues to your girlfriend. Something you need to feel secure is missing, but it's not clear whether it's something she should be providing you or whether it's something you need to find within yourself.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:28 AM on April 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Your girlfriend is not doing anything wrong by wanting to get some drinks with a coworker. In most healthy relationships, the fact that the coworker is male should be irrelevant. You should examine why this is making you feel uncomfortable. Is there some additional factor (e.g. a history of infidelity) that has weakened your trust in her? Do you simply not feel secure in this relationship? Do you have a hard time feeling secure in relationships in general? Have you internalized some of the misogyny in our culture in such a way as to make you feel as though you are entitled to control your partners' social interactions?
Spend some time thinking this stuff over and trying to figure out where your discomfort is coming from before you bring these issues to your girlfriend. If you're feeling insecure about her engaging in normal social interactions like this, either there's something wrong with the relationship or there's something wrong with your expectations. Your question doesn't give me much to go on as far as figuring out what the root cause is, but you should do the emotional work necessary to figure that out before you voice your issues to your girlfriend. Something you need to feel secure is missing, but it's not clear whether it's something she should be providing you or whether it's something you need to find within yourself.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:28 AM on April 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Sometimes here on Mefi we seem to live in an idealized bubble of human behavior. I come from the real world, where alcohol + novelty + lack of consistent physical/romantic contact = a scenario I wouldn’t want my significant other in. She’s a human with human feelings and motivations and you are too. I think you’re right to feel uncomfortable and express that to her.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 5:30 AM on April 14, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by tatiana wishbone at 5:30 AM on April 14, 2018 [19 favorites]
In my relationship, that would be fine and unexceptional, barely even worth mentioning. But for some people I know, any kind of one-on-one social contact like that is an absolute no-no, and as far as I can tell both lead to healthy and happy relationships.
In other words, "normal" covers a lot of ground, and the rules on this are going to be whatever you and your partner negotiate and feel comfortable with, aside from unhealthy dynamics like being controlling.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:48 AM on April 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
In other words, "normal" covers a lot of ground, and the rules on this are going to be whatever you and your partner negotiate and feel comfortable with, aside from unhealthy dynamics like being controlling.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:48 AM on April 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
The real question is "do you feel comfortable expressing your discomfort to her" and only you can answer that question. If the answer is "no" then you have bigger concerns than whether she's out having a beer with a friend. Good relationships are founded on good communication, especially being able to speak your truth, have it be listened to, and to get a reasoned response in a timely fashion. (Good communication doesn't mean that if you explain yourself you'll get what you want. It means that you work on explaining yourself and your partner works on understanding you, and responding in kind.)
So you just need to say, "hey, I'm feeling uncomfortable about this. What are your thoughts?" If she asks why, explain it just as simply as you did to us. Then listen. Keep it low key neutral and go from there. This is the work you have to do that makes a good relationship last.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:24 AM on April 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
So you just need to say, "hey, I'm feeling uncomfortable about this. What are your thoughts?" If she asks why, explain it just as simply as you did to us. Then listen. Keep it low key neutral and go from there. This is the work you have to do that makes a good relationship last.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:24 AM on April 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
IDK, you all, I think if there ever was a recipe for disaster in a monogamous LDR, it's a lack of stupid blind trust. No, really. You have to believe that your partner is the most unique and special snowflake in the history of the universe, hardly human at all, absolutely impervious to temptation. Like you should believe that your partner could be drunk in the presence of a topless Idris Elba who's hitting on her, and she might giggle but she'd take him up on the offer.
This kind of faith may or may not be misplaced, but the point is you need to have it. You can deal with infidelity and heartbreak if and when they happen. But for now your natural inclination should be to roll your eyes at the possibility of it. Otherwise you torture yourself with anxiety, you take it out on your partner with controlling demands and unpleasant questioning, and it basically kills the fun and freedom from everything. Your partner doesn't deserve that and neither do you.
Don't get me wrong, your feelings are natural and normal and NOT WRONG. And everyone else here is right that you should express them honestly to your partner, in a non-blaming and non-controlling way. But I'm just thinking, if this is the start of a pattern, it's going to get old for both of you very quickly.
When will you both be together again? Is this LDR thing short term?
posted by MiraK at 7:56 AM on April 14, 2018 [11 favorites]
This kind of faith may or may not be misplaced, but the point is you need to have it. You can deal with infidelity and heartbreak if and when they happen. But for now your natural inclination should be to roll your eyes at the possibility of it. Otherwise you torture yourself with anxiety, you take it out on your partner with controlling demands and unpleasant questioning, and it basically kills the fun and freedom from everything. Your partner doesn't deserve that and neither do you.
Don't get me wrong, your feelings are natural and normal and NOT WRONG. And everyone else here is right that you should express them honestly to your partner, in a non-blaming and non-controlling way. But I'm just thinking, if this is the start of a pattern, it's going to get old for both of you very quickly.
When will you both be together again? Is this LDR thing short term?
posted by MiraK at 7:56 AM on April 14, 2018 [11 favorites]
Talking about 'instigating boundaries' is not where this you should be starting this conversation. It's a road that will lead to unhappiness for her and anxiety for you. I'm a bisexual woman and if a partner tried to limit my social hang outs with other people (since *gasp* I could be attracted to anyone!), I wouldn't know what to do with that. I think as other posters have already pointed out, you need to be open and talk with her about your insecurities and see how she responds, but this shouldn't become a focal point of your entire relationship.
posted by twill at 8:01 AM on April 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by twill at 8:01 AM on April 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
I think twill has a really good point and I want to reinforce it. This needs to be thought of as "addressing your discomfort," not as "setting boundaries." Fact is, your girlfriend is an adult and you do not get to unilaterally impose "boundaries" on who she is allowed to associate with. You can set boundaries around what people are allowed to do to you, but not around what they are allowed to do with their own lives unless they are your non-adult children.
When you say in essence, "Can I set boundaries on who my girlfriend is allowed to associate with and under what circumstances she may associate with them?" what I hear (and what your girlfriend would likely hear) is, "Can I control who my girlfriend is allowed to associate with and under what circumstances she is allowed to associate with them?" and the answer to that question is No. You definitely can't, because she's an adult.
However, you can have a mutually-respectful discussion about your discomfort here, and try to arrive at a workable agreement which satisfies both of you. There's no guarantee that reaching such an agreement will be possible, but you can try and it's the kind of thing that healthy couples do when one person wants to do something that makes the other person uncomfortable.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:10 AM on April 14, 2018 [20 favorites]
When you say in essence, "Can I set boundaries on who my girlfriend is allowed to associate with and under what circumstances she may associate with them?" what I hear (and what your girlfriend would likely hear) is, "Can I control who my girlfriend is allowed to associate with and under what circumstances she is allowed to associate with them?" and the answer to that question is No. You definitely can't, because she's an adult.
However, you can have a mutually-respectful discussion about your discomfort here, and try to arrive at a workable agreement which satisfies both of you. There's no guarantee that reaching such an agreement will be possible, but you can try and it's the kind of thing that healthy couples do when one person wants to do something that makes the other person uncomfortable.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:10 AM on April 14, 2018 [20 favorites]
I’m scared she might see something in new people she’s meeting.
There's never a right or wrong about feeling uncomfortable, but if you've only been together four months and you're already feeling like this, you need to have a really hard conversation with yourself about this. Either you're in a relationship and you trust that you're in a relationship, or you're not. If you're in a relationship and then your partner starts doing something that suggests to you that they might be unfaithful, that's a different thing, but it seems like you never established that trust in the first place. Has she been behaving in an untrustworthy way from the beginning? Or are you making her responsible for your lack of confidence?
In either of these cases, controlling her behavior is not going to make you feel more trusting, it's just going to tell your brain that you have to keep controlling her behavior for this to keep working, and that is a disaster for a long-distance relationship. You need to respond to this like it's an anxiety problem that you're having--which, it's not wrong for you to be anxious! I have an anxiety problem, myself. You just don't fix anxiety by telling everybody else to do things differently. Sometimes you can work on that on your own and just communicate to your partner that you're anxious and you know it isn't their thing but you can use some extra reassurance. Sometimes this will turn out to be too big a trigger to you and this relationship won't work out. But either way, her going out after work or not isn't going to fix it.
posted by Sequence at 8:27 AM on April 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
There's never a right or wrong about feeling uncomfortable, but if you've only been together four months and you're already feeling like this, you need to have a really hard conversation with yourself about this. Either you're in a relationship and you trust that you're in a relationship, or you're not. If you're in a relationship and then your partner starts doing something that suggests to you that they might be unfaithful, that's a different thing, but it seems like you never established that trust in the first place. Has she been behaving in an untrustworthy way from the beginning? Or are you making her responsible for your lack of confidence?
In either of these cases, controlling her behavior is not going to make you feel more trusting, it's just going to tell your brain that you have to keep controlling her behavior for this to keep working, and that is a disaster for a long-distance relationship. You need to respond to this like it's an anxiety problem that you're having--which, it's not wrong for you to be anxious! I have an anxiety problem, myself. You just don't fix anxiety by telling everybody else to do things differently. Sometimes you can work on that on your own and just communicate to your partner that you're anxious and you know it isn't their thing but you can use some extra reassurance. Sometimes this will turn out to be too big a trigger to you and this relationship won't work out. But either way, her going out after work or not isn't going to fix it.
posted by Sequence at 8:27 AM on April 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
I agree that the answer is whatever boundaries the two of you create together are yours alone, no rights and wrongs here. But, 2 points I'll present you as my irrelevant 2 cents: (1) If she sees something in someone else... so what? If she'll leave you that easily/quickly/unexpectedly(?) then the foundation is not stable. (2) I believe that really loving someone means encouraging them to follow their heart, allowing them to make mistakes and learn who they are and what's meaningful on their own, not prescribing meaning and rules for them. If you could hold her captive in your basement and limit her exposure to the outside world, and she seemed happy enough about it... would that be the kind of relationship you want? Or, do you want her to fully blossom and explore and grow while having you as a best friend and lover through the process?
I'm a romantic and in an awesome relationship of 12+ years. But also child-free and poor (relative to my peers). It's a good life. IDK. Give it a try.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 9:43 AM on April 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm a romantic and in an awesome relationship of 12+ years. But also child-free and poor (relative to my peers). It's a good life. IDK. Give it a try.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 9:43 AM on April 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Should there be no boundaries in a long distance relationship?
Of course there should. Let me share one of mine with you:
If you give me an ultimatum that forces me to make a choice between (a) maintaining an intimate relationship with you and (b) forming or maintaining platonic relationships with whomever I damn well please, I will always and every time pick (b). Because life's too short to spend much of it with a jealous partner. I will never cheat on you, but I also won't put up with not being trusted not to cheat on you.
So that's where I would be, if I were in your girlfriend's position.
From your side, I recommend thinking of trust not as a kind of comfortable confidence that inherently requires time and testing to develop, but as a deliberately chosen policy position. Part of committing to an intimate relationship, it seems to me, ought to be the explicit, eyes-wide-open choice to trust your partner not to cheat on or lie to you.
Yes, this does leave you open to the possibility of being betrayed, which would be horrible; but the thing to think about is whether or not a possibility of some horrible future experience is better or worse than the daily experience of the inexorable joyless grinding horror that is a trustless relationship, and also whether a refusal to extend trust actually makes any difference at all to your partner's actual character (clue: no).
Choose to live trustingly, deliberately practising the out-of-hand dismissal of nagging doubts until doing so comes naturally. If your partner betrays you, then dump them without extending second chances, and then grieve, and then find somebody better.
A few years spent grieving over betrayals, set against a whole life, is really not very much time at all. A whole life wasted on doomed attempts to render untrustworthy partners trustworthy by force of surveillance is much worse. And a life spent failing to trust people who actually are trustworthy is a recipe for straight-up tragedy.
posted by flabdablet at 9:49 AM on April 14, 2018 [14 favorites]
Of course there should. Let me share one of mine with you:
If you give me an ultimatum that forces me to make a choice between (a) maintaining an intimate relationship with you and (b) forming or maintaining platonic relationships with whomever I damn well please, I will always and every time pick (b). Because life's too short to spend much of it with a jealous partner. I will never cheat on you, but I also won't put up with not being trusted not to cheat on you.
So that's where I would be, if I were in your girlfriend's position.
From your side, I recommend thinking of trust not as a kind of comfortable confidence that inherently requires time and testing to develop, but as a deliberately chosen policy position. Part of committing to an intimate relationship, it seems to me, ought to be the explicit, eyes-wide-open choice to trust your partner not to cheat on or lie to you.
Yes, this does leave you open to the possibility of being betrayed, which would be horrible; but the thing to think about is whether or not a possibility of some horrible future experience is better or worse than the daily experience of the inexorable joyless grinding horror that is a trustless relationship, and also whether a refusal to extend trust actually makes any difference at all to your partner's actual character (clue: no).
Choose to live trustingly, deliberately practising the out-of-hand dismissal of nagging doubts until doing so comes naturally. If your partner betrays you, then dump them without extending second chances, and then grieve, and then find somebody better.
A few years spent grieving over betrayals, set against a whole life, is really not very much time at all. A whole life wasted on doomed attempts to render untrustworthy partners trustworthy by force of surveillance is much worse. And a life spent failing to trust people who actually are trustworthy is a recipe for straight-up tragedy.
posted by flabdablet at 9:49 AM on April 14, 2018 [14 favorites]
I’m scared she might see something in new people she’s meeting.
This is always a risk, but you can't ask her to live in a tower like Rapunzel. She's human and has social needs, and one of those needs is to make friends and do normal things like have a beer with a coworker and know that you trust her and want her to be happy and have a social life.
I'm bi and I've been in a bunch of LDRs. I never cheated on anyone, I never left anyone for anyone else, but when one of my partners started trying to tell me that she didn't want me hanging out with some of my friends, I dumped her and did not look back.
Be the awesome partner, not the controlling ex.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:07 AM on April 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
This is always a risk, but you can't ask her to live in a tower like Rapunzel. She's human and has social needs, and one of those needs is to make friends and do normal things like have a beer with a coworker and know that you trust her and want her to be happy and have a social life.
I'm bi and I've been in a bunch of LDRs. I never cheated on anyone, I never left anyone for anyone else, but when one of my partners started trying to tell me that she didn't want me hanging out with some of my friends, I dumped her and did not look back.
Be the awesome partner, not the controlling ex.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:07 AM on April 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I’m scared she might see something in new people she’s meeting.
The trick isn't to avoid every situation where that could possibly happen, because that leaves your partner holed up in a room, communicating only with you, and geez are you going to get tired of working her job remotely for her and keeping her facebook up to date.
The trick is to build the kind of relationship where you know that if your partner develops those feelings, they trust you enough to talk about it with you, and you trust them enough to explore together what those feelings mean for each of you and for both of you.
Sometimes here on Mefi we seem to live in an idealized bubble of human behavior. I come from the real world, where alcohol + novelty + lack of consistent physical/romantic contact = a scenario I wouldn’t want my significant other in.
I live in that world too, and my partner and I went through a year of LDR in which it was not at all uncommon for one or the other of us to go out for drinks singly with friends as the occasion presented itself. We are now married. Just because other people's real-world experiences are different than yours doesn't make them not real-world. That said...
I think you’re right to feel uncomfortable and express that to her.
I entirely agree with the second part of this at least (standard comment on the first part: feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are). The thing is, expressing your discomfort is NOT the same as drawing a boundary, it's having a conversation, and OP, you'll be doing yourself a favor keeping those discrete in your mind. You can both be uncomfortable AND let your partner make her own decisions. That's trust.
posted by solotoro at 11:46 AM on April 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
The trick isn't to avoid every situation where that could possibly happen, because that leaves your partner holed up in a room, communicating only with you, and geez are you going to get tired of working her job remotely for her and keeping her facebook up to date.
The trick is to build the kind of relationship where you know that if your partner develops those feelings, they trust you enough to talk about it with you, and you trust them enough to explore together what those feelings mean for each of you and for both of you.
Sometimes here on Mefi we seem to live in an idealized bubble of human behavior. I come from the real world, where alcohol + novelty + lack of consistent physical/romantic contact = a scenario I wouldn’t want my significant other in.
I live in that world too, and my partner and I went through a year of LDR in which it was not at all uncommon for one or the other of us to go out for drinks singly with friends as the occasion presented itself. We are now married. Just because other people's real-world experiences are different than yours doesn't make them not real-world. That said...
I think you’re right to feel uncomfortable and express that to her.
I entirely agree with the second part of this at least (standard comment on the first part: feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are). The thing is, expressing your discomfort is NOT the same as drawing a boundary, it's having a conversation, and OP, you'll be doing yourself a favor keeping those discrete in your mind. You can both be uncomfortable AND let your partner make her own decisions. That's trust.
posted by solotoro at 11:46 AM on April 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think there's a big difference between "locked in a tower like Rapunzel" and "going to get drinks, alone, with someone of the opposite sex". Personally I think that's a little too intimate a situation. Like I wouldn't feel comfortable going on that particular outing, and I REALLY doubt my spouse would either. Drinks with a group of coworkers? That's different. Lunch with a single coworker? Also fine. Purposefully lowering your inhibitions, alone with a single person of the opposite sex? That's a date.
That said, every couple gets to set their own boundaries. Some people don't even talk to members of the opposite sex, and some people openly sleep with other people. There is no OBJECTIVE LAW OF BOUNDARIES out there, and really no one responding to your question (including me) have any standing to answer what you should or shouldn't do. They are talking about what THEY want in THEIR relationships. Nothing to do with you or your SO.
posted by FakeFreyja at 4:15 PM on April 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
That said, every couple gets to set their own boundaries. Some people don't even talk to members of the opposite sex, and some people openly sleep with other people. There is no OBJECTIVE LAW OF BOUNDARIES out there, and really no one responding to your question (including me) have any standing to answer what you should or shouldn't do. They are talking about what THEY want in THEIR relationships. Nothing to do with you or your SO.
posted by FakeFreyja at 4:15 PM on April 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Lots of good comments so far. I wanted to address your question about if there should be no boundaries in a LDR. There are two things in my mind that combine in a health long term relationship. An consensual and negotiated agreement between what is acceptable between you and your partner, and you own personal boundaries. For example, you and your partner might agree to not see other people. Your personal boundary would be that if this agreement is violated, you would end the relationship. Boundaries are things you set for yourself, not for other people.
That being said, I was in a long distance relationship for a long time and had periods that were really hard. If I felt discomfort at something my partner was doing, it usually meant that I needed to examine my own feelings and needs and what I needed to do to meet those. For example, if I was jealous of him going out with a friend (which was fine for us), I would have to think about if I was feeling lonely or insecure, and why that might be the case. I would advocate for your expressing your feelings, wants and needs, but not in a way that makes your partner responsible for meeting your needs. That's everyone's individual job in my opinion.
posted by snowysoul at 9:57 AM on April 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
That being said, I was in a long distance relationship for a long time and had periods that were really hard. If I felt discomfort at something my partner was doing, it usually meant that I needed to examine my own feelings and needs and what I needed to do to meet those. For example, if I was jealous of him going out with a friend (which was fine for us), I would have to think about if I was feeling lonely or insecure, and why that might be the case. I would advocate for your expressing your feelings, wants and needs, but not in a way that makes your partner responsible for meeting your needs. That's everyone's individual job in my opinion.
posted by snowysoul at 9:57 AM on April 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you give me an ultimatum that forces me to make a choice between (a) maintaining an intimate relationship with you and (b) forming or maintaining platonic relationships with whomever I damn well please, I will always and every time pick (b).
This is me also (I am in a ten year LDR and it's just great) BUT, I am willing to do a certain amount of emotional labor on my part just to communicate with my partner about what is going on as I form and maintain these relationships so that it's clear they are platonic. I agree with MiraK upthread, there's a little bit of stupid blind trust in our relationship and that is okay with me. Also we've got a very clearly defined the relationship (in terms of what is considered cheating and what is not, what is a dealbreaker, etc) and I'm wondering if you have? Because having her not meet up with the coworker may be a non-starter but at some point having a conversation "Hey are we exclusive?" is a totally normal thing to do.
posted by jessamyn at 2:56 PM on April 15, 2018
This is me also (I am in a ten year LDR and it's just great) BUT, I am willing to do a certain amount of emotional labor on my part just to communicate with my partner about what is going on as I form and maintain these relationships so that it's clear they are platonic. I agree with MiraK upthread, there's a little bit of stupid blind trust in our relationship and that is okay with me. Also we've got a very clearly defined the relationship (in terms of what is considered cheating and what is not, what is a dealbreaker, etc) and I'm wondering if you have? Because having her not meet up with the coworker may be a non-starter but at some point having a conversation "Hey are we exclusive?" is a totally normal thing to do.
posted by jessamyn at 2:56 PM on April 15, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by coppermoss at 2:50 AM on April 14, 2018 [21 favorites]