Am I crazy for feeling this way?
January 31, 2012 12:20 PM Subscribe
Are we incompatible and am I overreacting?
posted by anonymous to human relations (36 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I have been with my boyfriend for about eight months but we’re long distance, so I guess it counts for less since we can only see each other every couple of months.
He has always told me he’s very serious about me, he tells me constantly that he loves me, says he wants to live with me when we are together in the same city, which will hopefully be over the summer. I also love him dearly, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and can’t imagine being without him. But a conversation we had recently is bothering me and I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable.
He is in his mid twenties and this is his first real relationship because he says he couldn’t find a girl he wanted to commit to a relationship with in the past. He’s had a number of flings, though. I am almost thirty. At the beginning of our relationship in the new love haze he was always, like every day, telling me he wanted to spend his life with me and even talked about marriage. I didn’t prompt any of this.
Then a few months in he decided that we needed to slow down and he stopped talking about a future with me. A couple months later he started up again, talked about our future house together, alluded to us growing old together, that sort of thing. Recently in a moment of happiness I blurted out that I wanted to be with him forever and it was obvious by his response that he was uncomfortable. I feel bad about saying it but I feel worse about the conversation that followed. He clarified that he’s serious about me relative to how serious he’s been about anyone else which is not at all (with other people). When he blurted out in the past that he was extremely serious about me I always took it at face value and I didn’t realize he meant in relative terms. Here’s the part that gets to me: he said that he doesn’t even think of our relationship as necessarily a precursor to anything permanent. Not that he thinks it definitely wouldn’t be but that he just isn’t even thinking in those terms at all, at least -- I’m hoping -- at this point. He said that he never thought he wanted to get married, and I’m the only girl it’s even come up as a question mark.
Of course I don’t need a commitment from him any time soon, but I do want to find somebody to spend my life with eventually and I’m worried that this is a dead end. I don’t know if I want kids but I want to at least keep the option open and I’m afraid of losing that chance by staying with someone who is unlikely to ever commit to me long term.
I’m confused by the fact that he says stuff on a regular basis like I’m the love of his life and yet says he doesn’t think about a future with me. I guess I feel a little led on.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I just never mention it again and hope for the best? Obviously I don’t want to pressure him more and I think bringing it up again would push him away farther, but I’ve been so anxious because of this. I still love him just as intensely but I can’t seem to feel all in anymore since this conversation. I’m afraid of getting too attached.