Returning borrowed item to estranged person

January 29, 2018 6:07 PM

Three years ago, a friend and I were on a similar minimalist/decluttering journey, and she lent me a scanner (which I never was able to make work) to make some of my paper go away.

Two years ago, she e-mailed me and said that, although she would be glad to say hi when she saw me, she didn't want to make any more plans with me. (I wrote about this prior here, and I still don't know how to link it--if anyone cares to clue me in.)

I'm moving again, and eagerly getting rid of many items. I'd like to return this scanner to her, but (in my mind), her last comment to me was so hurtful I really don't want to talk to her anymore either. Witness what a friend I trust said, "That's the kind of thing you say when you really want to hurt someone.") I don't even want her to hurt me in an e-mail!

If it matters, she lives 45-55 miles away.

posted by intrepid_simpleton to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Trash it. She likely doesn't care, you don't want to make the effort of dragging it 45-55 miles, it's been more than 2 years, and it doesn't actually work.
posted by valoius at 6:13 PM on January 29, 2018 [41 favorites]

If she hasn't asked for it in 2 years, she's not missing it or she's already replaced it. I'd drop it off at a recycling depot or Goodwill.
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:24 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: It may work, I was just never able to make it work. But you make good points.
posted by intrepid_simpleton at 6:24 PM on January 29, 2018

Definitely get rid of it. If you ever see her again, you could offer her some cash to replace it.
posted by kjs4 at 6:26 PM on January 29, 2018

I would get rid of it and if she ever asks, give her a white lie and say it broke and wasn't fixable. It's close enough to the truth, and extremely plausible.
posted by bleep at 6:28 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]

Donate it to a school or a library or Goodwill.

If you really want to return it to her, you could always ship it back if she's at the same address. For such a short distance, it shouldn't cost you more than twenty bucks.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 6:42 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]

No, this scanner can easily be thrown out without second thought. If it doesn't work, don't give it to a school or Goodwill. Just get rid of it.
posted by sockermom at 6:56 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]

FYI that scanner is completely undesirable junk in the eyes of... most everyone. Even if it "works". It's a consequence of our sad world of short-lived computer accessories. Nobody thinks it is great or valuable in any way. If I'm wrong I will literally buy you a donut. (And the original owner rescinded any claim long ago)

IF you believe it works, donating is fine. Your city may have an "electronics" Goodwill center or similar. I hope you can do that!
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:16 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]

A scanner that doesn't work and is several years old has little to no value. You could ship it to her, donate it to Goodwill or freecycle it, or discard it, with no karmic or ethical cost.
posted by theora55 at 7:28 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]

please do not donate old e-junk to goodwill. It is the opposite of valuable. Hopefully your town has an e-waste collecting protocol; if not, put it in the trash.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:46 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

If she has really wanted it back she could easily have asked for it before she decided to estrange herself from you. You have no obligation here.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 7:53 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

Look up e-recycling and drop it off at the nearest place to do so.
posted by jbenben at 7:57 PM on January 29, 2018

It is the opposite of valuable
Which is why you should send it back. She deserves it.
posted by sageleaf at 8:49 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]

If you have a local Buy Nothing group, join it and see if someone there is interested. Sometimes, people want old/dead electronics on purpose to try their hand at fixing up. Just make sure that the condition of the dead scanner is well described in the posting.

If it's been two years or so, I don't think your friend is interested in it any more.
posted by spinifex23 at 9:04 PM on January 29, 2018

You could easily get a friend to drive it over and leave it at her house, possibly with a note.
posted by amtho at 9:19 PM on January 29, 2018

Check the price of the scanner on Amazon. If it's less than $300, junk it, whether that's trashing it or giving it away. Anything that costs that little has long been overtaken by enhancements in the tech field. (I work with scanners a lot. There are some 5-year-old scanners I love... but refurbished replacements are less than $80.) If it's no longer available, junk it.

If it's still being made and more than $300, consider posting the scanner specs so people can consider if this is one of the few really good scanners that someone would regret losing. However, odds are, if she hasn't mentioned it in three years, it's not in her mind as something she wants back.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 9:48 PM on January 29, 2018

If I were in your shoes, I'd drive over & leave it neatly bagged on her porch, and send a very brief email - "Just wanted to let you know I returned your scanner- it's on your porch in a plastic bag. I was never able to get it to work but still appreciated the loan."
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:03 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]

UNCHARITABLE INTERPRETATION:
If your erstwhile friend is anything like my mother-in-law, she gave you the scanner knowing it was at least a little bit broken.

CHARITABLE INTERPRETATION: She did so while telling herself that hey, maybe you would magically fix it because you’re so smart, or

NEUTRAL INTERPRETATION: ...that you’d be grateful for the thoughtful hand-me-down because it was only kind of broken.

The thing is a white elephant. E-waste disposal is the most conscionable thing to do. Colleges and universities sometimes host collections around Earth Day.

Yours sincerely,

Microwave missing its original turntable but the permanent-fixture spindle means nothing can sit flat in it either/breadmaker with Jimmy Hoffa and all of his worm friends inside it/flatscreen TV with weird green lines running through the picture/and many, many more.
posted by armeowda at 10:27 PM on January 29, 2018 [6 favorites]

She clearly doesn't need it, since she hasn't asked for it back. And she was a jerk to you. And it probably doesn't work.

You owe her nothing. Donate it, recycle it or trash it.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:54 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

I routinely lend out somewhat pricey gear and I think I'd be offended. Well, I know I'd be offended, because I lent a nice high quality printer to an in-law, because his daughter was school-age and he had no money. I hooked it up to the computer that I had lent him some years prior and it was fine. At some point, he got a newer computer, which was great since the old one was pretty sucky. And then he moved. When we went to set up his computer, I noticed there was no printer. So it turned out that when asked he said he "threw it out" because it "didn't work," but a little investigation suggested that he hadn't been able to figure out how to configure it over the network on his new computer and self-justified getting rid of it because it cluttered up the desk. And rather than asking for help, or returning it, or even Goodwill'ing, ... well that's pretty annoying.

Scanners (and printers), especially the more expensive ones, retain their value a lot longer than many tech devices like smartphones. As long as they have usable driver support, they're good to go, and even then, the nice networked printers are often usable with generic drivers.

That having been said, there are lots of super-cheap printers and scanners out there. However, there are also lots of really good devices. Please don't bin a good device. If it's a $30 "cheapie" scanner and it's going to cost $20 to ship it back to your estranged person, obviously that makes no sense, but at least see if you can get rid of it in a useful way. If it's a $500 good quality scanner, think seriously about returning it, but if you can't get over the hurtful comment, which is quite understandable, at least make sure it gets to a good home.
posted by jgreco at 3:40 AM on January 30, 2018 [9 favorites]

I was estranged from a friend for a couple of years (my choice) and during a decluttering I found a book she had loaned me. I didn't feel right just disposing of it so I emailed her, just a quick, polite "Hi Beth, I was decluttering and discovered I still have your book. I'd like to return it, would dropping it in the mail be ok?"

She told me she didn't want it back, that I could keep it or donate it if I didn't want it. So I donated it with a clear conscience. If I had gotten rid of it without her permission, I would have felt terrible had she contacted me later asking for it back.

Sending a quick, polite email doesn't have to open a dialogue beyond "yes please drop it off on my porch" or "no, you can donate it or trash it."

On another note, I am surprised at people who are insinuating your friend did something shitty by "breaking up" with you. The other option would have been ghosting you, since for whatever reason the friendship was not working for her. Unless her email was nastier than you describe, she did you a courtesy by letting you know where your friendship stood. And she did say she would be "glad to say hi" if you crossed paths. She sounds mature and reasonable enough to be able to handle a conversation about returning a borrowed object.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:48 AM on January 30, 2018 [16 favorites]

There is no reason to try to get that scanner back to her. Sure, some scanners and printers might retain their value but the large, large majority of them don't. Get rid of it in whatever way feels best and don't give it a second thought. I hope your moves goes well!
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 6:21 AM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm with Serene Empress Dork. Here's an email you could use:

Hi Jan,

Thank you for loaning me the scanner. I'm finished with it now. If you'd like to arrange to get it back, please let me know by next Wednesday. Otherwise, I'll be taking some items to charity that weekend and will donate it then.

Best,
You
posted by salvia at 11:07 AM on January 30, 2018 [4 favorites]