Help me rebuild my life and friend networks! Bay Area edition

January 1, 2018 1:33 PM

Happy New Year, MeFi! After an absolutely ludicrous year filled to the gills with eye-popping friend drama (including abandonment in the wake of health issues and revelations of serial sexual predation), my friend network in the Bay Area is decimated. I need your help rebuilding my life.

Happy New Year, MeFi! After an absolutely ludicrous year filled to the gills with eye-popping friend drama (including abandonment in the wake of health issues and revelations of serial sexual predation), my friend network in the Bay Area is decimated. I need your help rebuilding my life.

I’m a 29F lawyer and writer who’s lived the last 8 years in the Bay Area, which I adore for its progressive clime, sweeping waterfront views, natural beauty, genuine people, and diversity. For the reasons discussed above, basically all of my friend networks in the Bay took a shredding last year. I refuse to be embittered or defeated by this, however, and am determined to live with hope and an open heart and to make a comeback.

What can I do to build community and friend networks in my life in the Bay? I feel that a lot of us yearn for community and belonging as an antidote to modern alienation, industrialization, and anomie, but that it is difficult to find communities that don’t stem from the usual places, like work or school. I know the typical advice is to pick a hobby and become a regular of a group that gets together to do that hobby. I've read this and this, but I’m looking for Bay-specific suggestions of what I can do.

I’m introverted and not altogether too athletic, but open to suggestions. Here are my interests:
- Intellectual stimulation and conversation
- Self development in the direction of finding my voice and strength. As a minority woman, I've struggled with over my life.
- Reading and writing fiction and creative non-fiction
- Feminism
- Social justice — I’m a civil rights lawyer.
- Helping and being of service to others
- Crocheting tiny animals
- Buddhism and meditation and exploring spirituality generally but with an eye towards avoiding deistic workship and cults
- Korean/Japanese bathhouses, onsen, spas

Here’s what I’ve tried:
- Started a successful writing group last year which has thrived and become a fruitful source of budding friendships.
- East Bay Feminist Book Club is another goodie that I’ve enjoyed. Regular attendance, passionate readers, interesting literature.
- Making friends through dating someone and becoming friends with their friends networks is a possibility, but doesn’t work if the dating falls through.
- CoDA.

Things I’m contemplating:
- Community theater — where can I find one?
- Toastmasters
- UU church
- Rotary . . .?
- Mandarin practice classes

posted by zestful to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Do you practice yoga or would you consider taking it up? I'vedefinitely made a few yoga friends through my local studio.
posted by driedmango at 1:50 PM on January 1, 2018

I was thinking Toastmasters before I got to that part. Attend a couple of meetings and see if it clicks for you. Good for meeting people, but also for developing professionally.

Check out Sunday Assembly! I’ve always wanted to go but don’t live anywhere near one. Seems they really vary depending on the group. Worth going to one or two.

Are there any volunteer groups that interest you? It’s a great way to connect with like-minded people. Perhaps also get involved in some legal pro bono orgs?
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 2:01 PM on January 1, 2018

I’m not sure if this is still true, but when I lived in the Bay Area there were fairly regular Metafilter meetups and I met a lot of people that way. Perhaps current Bay Area mefites can weigh in.
posted by madcaptenor at 3:03 PM on January 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

I had great luck with Bumble BFF in the Bay Area. Made two phenomenal friends, who connected me into their networks of phenomenal friends. Worth trying.
posted by suncages at 3:52 PM on January 1, 2018

While I haven't gone myself, I hear good things about Oakland's East Bay Meditation Center. It has many weekly practice groups, including one yoga and one sangha for people of color. On January 13 there is a daylong class (9:30 am to 4:30 pm) for PoC called Working with the Judgments. There are about a zillion Meetups for woman of color, so I'd poke around to see if anything resonates. Sorry to hear the friendship thing crashed and burned on you. Best of luck in building/becoming part of a better community. I will be doing the same shortly after I move. Hugs!
posted by Bella Donna at 4:39 PM on January 1, 2018

I’d say follow up on the UU suggestion, and if one congregation doesn’t feel like home to you, try a few more. They have different personalities. If you’re anywhere near Sonoma, I can put you in touch with a friend (former MeFite) who’s found one up there she’s happy with.
posted by matildaben at 6:54 PM on January 1, 2018

Oh, also, the UUA nationwide is going through some self-examination around white privilege issues, so different congregations may vary in how woke they are in that regard.
posted by matildaben at 6:56 PM on January 1, 2018

You might enjoy Against the Stream. I have been a fan of their dharma talks podcast for many years and they have a center in SF; I think you will like their approach. They also have dedicated talks for people of color. I'm in the bay area too, message me if you want a buddy to show up with! (That's the hardest part, for me.)
posted by bleep at 7:42 PM on January 1, 2018

Community theatre: Ragged Wing Ensemble does several productions a year. They're hard to describe; if you like the descriptions on the website, you'd probably enjoy the productions and might be interested in participating.

Author readings and other events at Borderlands Books in SF are likely to be relevant to your interests.

UU church: Berkeley Fellowship of Unitarian Universalists at 1924 Cedar Ave. in Berkeley; they host events from several spiritual groups. I used to attend Pagan rituals that used their space.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 8:49 PM on January 1, 2018

Best answer: I have a bunch of kickass female friends who are running for office in SF. They would love a kickass feminist civil rights attorney to help on their campaigns. Campaigns are great ways to meet people and develop really deep friendships over time. MeMail me with your city and I can very likely point you to some great women candidates.

Rotary is also a wonderful way to meet people and make friends. I've been a Rotarian over 10 years and aver that knowing people in Rotary becomes like having an extended family. I've loved it. The benefits build over time and Rotary membership becomes highly rewarding. Also, in the Bay Area, Rotary is an especially great way to inocculate yourself from the irritatingly rampant Ayn Rand objectivist BS so common around here. You can MeMail me about Rotary too if you like.

Have fun finding new friends!
posted by rw at 9:13 PM on January 1, 2018

Ultimate frisbee is kind of athletic, but you don't need to be an Olympian to be able to have fun on a team in one of the rec leagues. The community is really welcoming, particularly to new players, so that could be a good way to meet some new people.
posted by Aizkolari at 10:16 AM on January 2, 2018

One way to meet some wonderful people might be to attend an event offered by The_Art_of_Living in Moraga. When I lived in Walnut Creek I made some friends, and at the same time arrived at some life-changing insights. The leaders have the deepest integrity of anyone I have ever known. Plus a lively sense of humor that makes light work of important topics.
posted by Altomentis at 10:55 AM on January 2, 2018