Cure for Loneliness and Feeling of failure?
November 6, 2017 9:45 AM Subscribe
A very good friend of mine is very unhappy with his situation: being 45, single, no kids (which he years for), and unstable startup job, no (bought) home and no savings. He believes everybody around him has their life organized, or is at least together with someone. - Can you recommend media (books/movies) for him to process through this feeling?
I used to be able to commiserate with him, (being 36 and until very recently a long-time single), but I have an apartment, savings and (enough) work.
We talk (and meet) a fair amount.. This weekend he mentioned again how lonely he is, thinking back about a previous relationship with a woman with kids, and missing the family life, and having someone. (though that was a terrible relationship). And he mentioned how all his friends are together.
Since most of his friends indeed *are* together (I'm not sure how happy all of them are), and have managed their finances a bit better over the past years, I thought it might help for him to get some perspective elsewhere.
I sometimes find it useful to read about other lives.. But I don't have anything that I can recommend to him. Do you know anything to suggest? Books, films, statistics?
(He's been in therapy before, and I did suggest that he gets a hobby, he's planning to go to a cooking course)
I used to be able to commiserate with him, (being 36 and until very recently a long-time single), but I have an apartment, savings and (enough) work.
We talk (and meet) a fair amount.. This weekend he mentioned again how lonely he is, thinking back about a previous relationship with a woman with kids, and missing the family life, and having someone. (though that was a terrible relationship). And he mentioned how all his friends are together.
Since most of his friends indeed *are* together (I'm not sure how happy all of them are), and have managed their finances a bit better over the past years, I thought it might help for him to get some perspective elsewhere.
I sometimes find it useful to read about other lives.. But I don't have anything that I can recommend to him. Do you know anything to suggest? Books, films, statistics?
(He's been in therapy before, and I did suggest that he gets a hobby, he's planning to go to a cooking course)
A Buddhist response:
I struggle with these feelings a lot and frankly, there's no guarantee that things will change.
I will say that 90% of the pain of my being alone comes from the thinking that there's something wrong with me. When the thought Luftwaffe isn't dropping bombs, I'm generally OK. I've been alone for many, many years and it's definitely not the "being-alone" that causes pain. What I do know is that dwelling on the problems of my life has never helped me to solve them.
To cope, I'm deepening my meditation/Buddhist practice, with an emphasis on metta (lovingkindness) practice for myself. I may not be able to change my situation, but I may be able to accept it better.
Your friend might want to check around where he lives to see if there's a local Buddhist sangha for meditation practice. It may help him build community, maybe not. What it may help him do is develop a greater acceptance for his life as it is today.
If that's not available, there are plentiful online resources. Tricycle.org has wonderful video teachings for a $35/year subscription. If that's too steep, there are SO many podcasts: the Insight Audio Dharma and the Zen Against The Stream podcasts are two good places to start.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 10:25 AM on November 6, 2017 [11 favorites]
I struggle with these feelings a lot and frankly, there's no guarantee that things will change.
I will say that 90% of the pain of my being alone comes from the thinking that there's something wrong with me. When the thought Luftwaffe isn't dropping bombs, I'm generally OK. I've been alone for many, many years and it's definitely not the "being-alone" that causes pain. What I do know is that dwelling on the problems of my life has never helped me to solve them.
To cope, I'm deepening my meditation/Buddhist practice, with an emphasis on metta (lovingkindness) practice for myself. I may not be able to change my situation, but I may be able to accept it better.
Your friend might want to check around where he lives to see if there's a local Buddhist sangha for meditation practice. It may help him build community, maybe not. What it may help him do is develop a greater acceptance for his life as it is today.
If that's not available, there are plentiful online resources. Tricycle.org has wonderful video teachings for a $35/year subscription. If that's too steep, there are SO many podcasts: the Insight Audio Dharma and the Zen Against The Stream podcasts are two good places to start.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 10:25 AM on November 6, 2017 [11 favorites]
Has he considered a program like Big Brothers, or coaching a kid sports team (or a STEM team!), or similar? Male volunteers are always in high demand. That might help with connection, and with spending time with and making a difference in kids' lives.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:31 AM on November 6, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:31 AM on November 6, 2017 [8 favorites]
Is he making an effort at dating?
posted by DarlingBri at 10:47 AM on November 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:47 AM on November 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
Well, one bright spot is that the world is FULL of awesome single women in their late 30s who want kids asap. Even his being broke won't really be an obstacle if he is simply a moderately kind human being, and once he teams up with a partner, his cost of living will decrease anyway.
Help him make a dating profile, set his age limit to 36+ and "wants kids", and brainstorm some cheap date ideas. If he yearns for kids, he can definitely make that happen, probably within 2 years if he really puts a smart effort into dating in a reasonably sized city. That is such a solveable problem!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:29 PM on November 6, 2017 [10 favorites]
Help him make a dating profile, set his age limit to 36+ and "wants kids", and brainstorm some cheap date ideas. If he yearns for kids, he can definitely make that happen, probably within 2 years if he really puts a smart effort into dating in a reasonably sized city. That is such a solveable problem!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:29 PM on November 6, 2017 [10 favorites]
It does seem that volunteering would really help him out in throwing him radically into someone else's world. And if he has that urge to nurture (i.e. be a parent), I second EyebrowsMcGee's suggestion to be a Big Brother or coach or something. In fact, being good with that sort of thing would have the added benefit of improving his love life and making him more attractive to many women. There are also meetups. But I think if your friend struggles with self-acceptance, the experience of volunteering will help most - of seeing that life is basically not about winning.
Remember that you can't fix your friend's problems. The best you can do is care about him. Remind him that he is actually quite lucky to have lots of friends around him, and he is lucky that these friends have their shit relatively together (it means they are not suffering or struggling to live). He may feel like the odd person out right now, but I think we all do at various times in our lives. Sometimes we suffer, sometimes we go out and meet new people, we get new information on how to fix our finances, we go after new job opportunities. It's a cycle, collapse and expansion. Just wait it out with him. He'll get there, it's not a race.
posted by karmachameleon at 1:03 PM on November 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
Remember that you can't fix your friend's problems. The best you can do is care about him. Remind him that he is actually quite lucky to have lots of friends around him, and he is lucky that these friends have their shit relatively together (it means they are not suffering or struggling to live). He may feel like the odd person out right now, but I think we all do at various times in our lives. Sometimes we suffer, sometimes we go out and meet new people, we get new information on how to fix our finances, we go after new job opportunities. It's a cycle, collapse and expansion. Just wait it out with him. He'll get there, it's not a race.
posted by karmachameleon at 1:03 PM on November 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks a million! I especially love the *volunteering* suggestions. He loves teaching kids (especially stuff like science, exploring, math, etcetera) so that'd be awesome.
I'm going to suggest that.
He is actively dating. But he generally dates *amazing, but really complicated*-women, with terrible communication. So I think he's better off volunteering.. and for now focussing on other parts of life
And yes, he meditates! So I'll bring that (and metta) up next time.
So thanks so much!
posted by Thisandthat at 3:05 PM on November 6, 2017
I'm going to suggest that.
He is actively dating. But he generally dates *amazing, but really complicated*-women, with terrible communication. So I think he's better off volunteering.. and for now focussing on other parts of life
And yes, he meditates! So I'll bring that (and metta) up next time.
So thanks so much!
posted by Thisandthat at 3:05 PM on November 6, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
2) He should make his hobby helping others. Volunteering is an amazing way to have a true effect on others and your own life. This can also keep you in the moment, as opposed to living in the past and playing the what if game when it comes to relationships.
3) It's NEVER too late to start contributing to a 401k. If his company matches, he's leaving money on the table. Even just the SMALLEST amount might help him feel better, as if he's making some progress.
4) Remind him that it ain't over until it's over. Have him read this comment. It's me, 7 years ago, at age 50.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 9:57 AM on November 6, 2017 [28 favorites]