I am living a wasted life. Tell me how to live.
November 10, 2009 1:56 PM Subscribe
I am living a wasted life. Depressed and stuck. I know this question has been asked a million times in a million different ways by a million different people. But I want to ask it myself, and hear what you say to me, because I am at the end of my rope.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (57 answers total) 77 users marked this as a favorite
I am weeks away from my 33rd birthday. I am 200 lbs. overweight. I am separated from my husband of 5 years, and in the midst of getting a divorce. I never really was in love with him (he was a good friend, but not a person I ever was sexually attracted to. I am sure he was never attracted to me either). I think we married each other because we were both lost and didn't know what else to do.
I am sad over the end of the marriage, not because I fell out of love, but because it is a wake-up call that I wasted years of my life. I lived years of my life in a marraige, and now that it has ended, nothing has changed. I failed, and I am still the same paralyzed, reclusive, anxious, undependable, scared girl.
Earlier this year/late last year I was out of work for about 3 months due to depression, and luckily I still have a job. I just missed 4 more days of work. I don't know what happens to me. I am fine for months at a time, but then I wake up one morning and just. can't. get. in. the. shower. I sit in bed paralyzed with the thought of facing the day. That leads me to a downward spiral of missing days and days of work. I was suicidal late last year, I'm not now. I'm stuck.
I can't get myself to do even the most simple of things, like changing the cat litter, cleaning the apartment, answering the phone. I have mental blocks. If I have to pee, I will literally sit and debate with myself for an hour over whether to get up and go to the bathroom. I will sit for days knowing that I should get out and exercise, but instead I will watch tv, or lurk on mefi. I love food, and have an emotional relationship with food, but the thought of having to cook a healthy meal makes me tired before I even start.
While I'm at work or forced to be in a social environment, I am different. I am "on" - I talk and joke and do quality work. But it's just a shell that can be so easily broken, and has been.
I have friends but I loose them because I don't communicate with them because I can't bear the thought of leaving my home to meet with them or pick up the phone and call them.
Things you should know:
1. I am currently on anti-depressants, and see a psychiatrist about once a month for medication management. I have been on and off various anti-depressants for about 10 years and will continue to work with my current doctor to get the right combo of medication that works for me. But I also know that drugs can't solve everything.
2. I know I need to go to therapy. I KNOW this. I go, once, twice, then I stop. I think I found a good therapist, so how do I make myself go?
3. I know I need to go to bed earlier. I know I need to exercise. I know I need to eat less and eat healthier. I know I need to maintain relationships. I know I need to find activities. So far I haven't been able to do any of these things for extended periods of time.
I want your advice on how to live my life. I am like a 33 year old infant. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know how to function as a human being. I think I will die and I will still be the same stale, lifeless person. I will have lived a wasted life. I'm really am not living, I'm only breathing. Can you tell me anything to help me?