I've let myself get stuck in a bad job, while taking care of my family.
June 28, 2017 3:44 AM Subscribe
I'm 40 in a few days, and I've let myself get stuck. I'm taking care of my mom and sister while my job in a small rural town has mostly gone from bad to worse, and they've seemingly only gotten more dependent on me. I want to try to better myself, like going to school to retrain for a better job or even just finding a different job but don't know how to at all.
To start, I've worked the job I'm at for about 15 years, and honestly it is not a good job. At least not anymore. It never was a great one, but it has only gotten worse with the years. It is a job at a small family run warehouse that I took a few years out after high school, probably on the very tail end of that period where you could actually just walk into a place and get a job. Think Amazon, only without any of the technology and founded a long, long time ago. My grandfather, long since passed, took me to a place that he did business with all of the time. He knew they were hiring and we both talked with management and I basically just started. Business was booming all through the mid 2000s with the housing boom and they needed help. I filled out an application, but that was mostly just a formality.
In the meantime, I've worked my way into management. I've mostly topped out, the pay is not that good, but probably similar or a little less than fast food management or Walmart management pay. I've lived cheaply in a small town, so I've made it work. Some others in management are retiring soon, and I probably could get a promotion, but I don't want any part of the work they do. I've seen the way the stress of running a thread-bare operation has screwed their health up completely. Everyone has physical issues like back, knee or hip problems if not worse. That's only mentioning the physical issues, and not the stress related ones. I'm mostly isolated from the worst major headaches of it all because I work on a night shift, and they work to keep it up and running through out the day. I don't want to be promoted into that, even though I would want a day job.
We in management (myself especially) wind up constantly filling in for underpaid workers who always quit or disappear. I am responsible for double checking the output of people who, frankly, aren't paid enough to care about the quality of the work they do or whether they make mistakes. Granted, some will work and try hard for a while, but usually not for any long stretch of time. I am frequently back into my old job that I was promoted from, in addition to my new one, because the company can't keep workers. In the meantime, when not filling in for a lack of workers who aren't coming or are just leaving right after they are hired, management on the other shift are trying to keep the place from falling apart around our ears. None of this gets fixed until it actually falls apart, mind you.
And even then, honestly, the job just feels like it is going to fail nowadays. Even the lowest on the totem pole have begun to ask questions about the company staying open. Raises have stopped, even though they were few and far between to begin with. Business and, with that, work hours have dried up to being inconsistent at best. Even though it is classified full time, it feels like a part time job with work usually about 30 to 32 hours a week (I've even seen as low as 28 or so hours before). I'm salaried, so this actually helps me (and I realize it sounds selfish to say that), but everyone else has to have family help them. It is depressing to watch. And this can't be good for the company. The work environment has mostly gone toxic, with everyone mostly only talking about how the work is drying up, or how everyone wants a raise. The only time I'm personally happy about the job is thinking about the times that business was booming, and it actually felt like the company was booming, too. That was shortly after I started, and overtime (I wasn't salaried, then) and long and hard work hours were normal, until our business took a dive. This is a small town, so going elsewhere is going to entail me traveling much farther to find a better job (unless I take a Walmart or fast food job which I fully admit I may have to do), but that leads to my next issue...
I had gotten myself a job, and I moved a cheap mobile home behind my Mom's place that I paid cash for, thanks to a gracious elderly neighbor who moved away, and begun saving up money to buy myself a house.
This was during the mid 2000 housing boom, and my mom was working a low paying job for herself after recently splitting with a deadbeat alcoholic boyfriend. Shortly after that my sister and her 2 kids had moved in with her after dealing with her nasty abusive husband. I helped with paying property tax bills so that I was paying something towards living on her property.
Of course, we all know how the 2000 housing boom played out. And in the meantime, my mom, around the same time lost the use of her leg, and at the same time her job. She was let go after a surgery, and I believe screwed up big time by not pursuing a lawsuit against her employer that I believe she could have won easily. But that never happened, though. Now, she just sits around the house watching TV. She hasn’t even been out of the house for a long time. I know she is disabled, and this may sound cold, but I see disabled people out and about, or out grocery shopping, or out at Walmart. But she seems to be just fine with the way things are. Or if she isn't, she really doesn't let it show.
In the meantime, she's gotten a very small disability stipend, which mostly goes straight to her mortgage payment, and I'm paying for most everything else, including to keep the lights on. She just turned 62, so I'm not sure what other options there are for her. I was told she might could try to get some kind of social security payments from her ex husband (my dad) to supplement her disability payments, but I don't know how to go about that and I can't get her to get the ball rolling on anything at all, even to make phone calls to inquire about things. He would probably be receptive to it, he has a good job and even though they are divorced he at least understands the financial struggles she faces. But she seems to be just fine with things as they are. She will agree and say I'm sorry and things like that when I confront her about how difficult it is for me to take care of two households and how things need to change somehow. I'll talk about leaving my job and going to school to retrain for a better job, and she'll tell me I should do that, even though we both know full well that it is not possible with the way things are now. I live cheaply, I'm a single guy, but still, except for a mortgage payment, I'm basically paying duplicate bills for everything, power, house insurance, car insurance, all of that. Luckily, the cars are paid for, and I bought my place for cash when I first moved.
My sister in the meantime, doesn't seem to be worried to get out of the house and get a job to help out. I had no problem with her staying home and taking care of her kids when they were little so she wouldn't be working two part time jobs while trying to raise them. I'm of the opinion now that the kids will be at an age soon (the oldest will be a teen, the other a few years younger) that they will actually tire of her being around them all of the time and she should go out and get a job. Of course there is the poverty trap angle of it, too. If she goes to get a job she will lose some of her food assistance, but I still believe she should at least try. She seems to be just fine with the way things are, though. I often see her just scraping and struggling to get any kind of spare cash and she seems to act as if that is perfectly normal, like it is some sort of learned helplessness. Or if she isn't fine about things she hasn't made any real indication that she wants to change the situation.
So, I've let myself get stuck in a trap of my own making, and now I'm 40 and don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I live like a hermit in a small shack out behind my mom's place, just going back and forth to work and stopping to only occasionally throw out money towards everyone's bills. There are times I feel like I'm whining, or I should just man up, that I'm lucky to have a job and a roof over my head. I sometimes wonder if this is what it is like to have a mid life crisis? I feel bad because I want to take care of my family and feel like I have a duty to, even though it is beginning to feel less like I am taking care and more I am being used by them. I walk around my job as it goes down hill around me and I just feel resentful things toward myself and them, and I hate myself for it. Nothing is improving and I feel like everything is piling on so much that I don't even know where to start. I guess I'm looking for someone with an outside view to give me some perspective on the situation.
To start, I've worked the job I'm at for about 15 years, and honestly it is not a good job. At least not anymore. It never was a great one, but it has only gotten worse with the years. It is a job at a small family run warehouse that I took a few years out after high school, probably on the very tail end of that period where you could actually just walk into a place and get a job. Think Amazon, only without any of the technology and founded a long, long time ago. My grandfather, long since passed, took me to a place that he did business with all of the time. He knew they were hiring and we both talked with management and I basically just started. Business was booming all through the mid 2000s with the housing boom and they needed help. I filled out an application, but that was mostly just a formality.
In the meantime, I've worked my way into management. I've mostly topped out, the pay is not that good, but probably similar or a little less than fast food management or Walmart management pay. I've lived cheaply in a small town, so I've made it work. Some others in management are retiring soon, and I probably could get a promotion, but I don't want any part of the work they do. I've seen the way the stress of running a thread-bare operation has screwed their health up completely. Everyone has physical issues like back, knee or hip problems if not worse. That's only mentioning the physical issues, and not the stress related ones. I'm mostly isolated from the worst major headaches of it all because I work on a night shift, and they work to keep it up and running through out the day. I don't want to be promoted into that, even though I would want a day job.
We in management (myself especially) wind up constantly filling in for underpaid workers who always quit or disappear. I am responsible for double checking the output of people who, frankly, aren't paid enough to care about the quality of the work they do or whether they make mistakes. Granted, some will work and try hard for a while, but usually not for any long stretch of time. I am frequently back into my old job that I was promoted from, in addition to my new one, because the company can't keep workers. In the meantime, when not filling in for a lack of workers who aren't coming or are just leaving right after they are hired, management on the other shift are trying to keep the place from falling apart around our ears. None of this gets fixed until it actually falls apart, mind you.
And even then, honestly, the job just feels like it is going to fail nowadays. Even the lowest on the totem pole have begun to ask questions about the company staying open. Raises have stopped, even though they were few and far between to begin with. Business and, with that, work hours have dried up to being inconsistent at best. Even though it is classified full time, it feels like a part time job with work usually about 30 to 32 hours a week (I've even seen as low as 28 or so hours before). I'm salaried, so this actually helps me (and I realize it sounds selfish to say that), but everyone else has to have family help them. It is depressing to watch. And this can't be good for the company. The work environment has mostly gone toxic, with everyone mostly only talking about how the work is drying up, or how everyone wants a raise. The only time I'm personally happy about the job is thinking about the times that business was booming, and it actually felt like the company was booming, too. That was shortly after I started, and overtime (I wasn't salaried, then) and long and hard work hours were normal, until our business took a dive. This is a small town, so going elsewhere is going to entail me traveling much farther to find a better job (unless I take a Walmart or fast food job which I fully admit I may have to do), but that leads to my next issue...
I had gotten myself a job, and I moved a cheap mobile home behind my Mom's place that I paid cash for, thanks to a gracious elderly neighbor who moved away, and begun saving up money to buy myself a house.
This was during the mid 2000 housing boom, and my mom was working a low paying job for herself after recently splitting with a deadbeat alcoholic boyfriend. Shortly after that my sister and her 2 kids had moved in with her after dealing with her nasty abusive husband. I helped with paying property tax bills so that I was paying something towards living on her property.
Of course, we all know how the 2000 housing boom played out. And in the meantime, my mom, around the same time lost the use of her leg, and at the same time her job. She was let go after a surgery, and I believe screwed up big time by not pursuing a lawsuit against her employer that I believe she could have won easily. But that never happened, though. Now, she just sits around the house watching TV. She hasn’t even been out of the house for a long time. I know she is disabled, and this may sound cold, but I see disabled people out and about, or out grocery shopping, or out at Walmart. But she seems to be just fine with the way things are. Or if she isn't, she really doesn't let it show.
In the meantime, she's gotten a very small disability stipend, which mostly goes straight to her mortgage payment, and I'm paying for most everything else, including to keep the lights on. She just turned 62, so I'm not sure what other options there are for her. I was told she might could try to get some kind of social security payments from her ex husband (my dad) to supplement her disability payments, but I don't know how to go about that and I can't get her to get the ball rolling on anything at all, even to make phone calls to inquire about things. He would probably be receptive to it, he has a good job and even though they are divorced he at least understands the financial struggles she faces. But she seems to be just fine with things as they are. She will agree and say I'm sorry and things like that when I confront her about how difficult it is for me to take care of two households and how things need to change somehow. I'll talk about leaving my job and going to school to retrain for a better job, and she'll tell me I should do that, even though we both know full well that it is not possible with the way things are now. I live cheaply, I'm a single guy, but still, except for a mortgage payment, I'm basically paying duplicate bills for everything, power, house insurance, car insurance, all of that. Luckily, the cars are paid for, and I bought my place for cash when I first moved.
My sister in the meantime, doesn't seem to be worried to get out of the house and get a job to help out. I had no problem with her staying home and taking care of her kids when they were little so she wouldn't be working two part time jobs while trying to raise them. I'm of the opinion now that the kids will be at an age soon (the oldest will be a teen, the other a few years younger) that they will actually tire of her being around them all of the time and she should go out and get a job. Of course there is the poverty trap angle of it, too. If she goes to get a job she will lose some of her food assistance, but I still believe she should at least try. She seems to be just fine with the way things are, though. I often see her just scraping and struggling to get any kind of spare cash and she seems to act as if that is perfectly normal, like it is some sort of learned helplessness. Or if she isn't fine about things she hasn't made any real indication that she wants to change the situation.
So, I've let myself get stuck in a trap of my own making, and now I'm 40 and don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I live like a hermit in a small shack out behind my mom's place, just going back and forth to work and stopping to only occasionally throw out money towards everyone's bills. There are times I feel like I'm whining, or I should just man up, that I'm lucky to have a job and a roof over my head. I sometimes wonder if this is what it is like to have a mid life crisis? I feel bad because I want to take care of my family and feel like I have a duty to, even though it is beginning to feel less like I am taking care and more I am being used by them. I walk around my job as it goes down hill around me and I just feel resentful things toward myself and them, and I hate myself for it. Nothing is improving and I feel like everything is piling on so much that I don't even know where to start. I guess I'm looking for someone with an outside view to give me some perspective on the situation.
So.... what's your goal? (School? To study what? To get what job at the end of it?)
I'm asking because this just sounds... insurmountable. Without being an asshole, at least, which you're obviously not (you actually sound pretty awesome). I'm hoping that if we can get a better handle on your goals, we might be able to offer more concrete advice.
What do you predict would happen if you lit a fire under people? "Guess what! I start school full-time in September. I've already quit my job. Obviously, the money tap turns off in August". Not suggesting you do that, but what do you think would happen?
posted by Leon at 4:42 AM on June 28, 2017 [7 favorites]
I'm asking because this just sounds... insurmountable. Without being an asshole, at least, which you're obviously not (you actually sound pretty awesome). I'm hoping that if we can get a better handle on your goals, we might be able to offer more concrete advice.
What do you predict would happen if you lit a fire under people? "Guess what! I start school full-time in September. I've already quit my job. Obviously, the money tap turns off in August". Not suggesting you do that, but what do you think would happen?
posted by Leon at 4:42 AM on June 28, 2017 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I agree, treat the hours you aren't working at work as a bonus from a job you obviously hate (that's a killer, 20 years is long enough). Use those hours to build skills and networks. Incrementally move forward with a life after this job.
Your mom is indeed likely entitled to social security benefits from her ex-husband's earning history. She doesn't need to be in touch with him and it won't harm his benefits. It's a relatively common and simple situation that could be worked out in a few visits to an SSA office. Since she's disabled maybe you could convince her to give you power of attorney so you could work on these issues without her having to be deeply involved? She's likely leaving real money on the table.
Tough situation. I know what it's like feel responsible for family members who can't pull themselves together, and even with significant resources and extended family involvement the crux of the matter is emotional attachment that quickly gets cross cut with anger and resentment (on all sides). You are choosing to sacrifice a significant path of self-realization to take care of your mom and sister. They take it for granted. You seethe with quiet despair at ever trying to move on. What helps most in these situations is honesty (well, and money). It sounds like your mom is difficult and likely depressed too (an affect of seeming perfectly happy seems incompatible with the trajectory you describe). But you need to reach her with a truthful recognition that "taking care of her" is going to require her to make an effort of her own, and might involve you moving away.
You need all the resources you can get. Her disability will convert to regular social security. She should get a share of her ex's SS and that shouldn't be optional. Maybe the mortgage is close to being paid off? If so can you sell the place and move her into a more downsized and lower cost setting where she can also do more basic upkeep for herself? Or in a few years pursue an assisted living situation (if Medicaid still exists). But you have to get out for yourself and to make more money to take care of this stuff too.
Dont drown, you can hack this.
posted by spitbull at 4:45 AM on June 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Your mom is indeed likely entitled to social security benefits from her ex-husband's earning history. She doesn't need to be in touch with him and it won't harm his benefits. It's a relatively common and simple situation that could be worked out in a few visits to an SSA office. Since she's disabled maybe you could convince her to give you power of attorney so you could work on these issues without her having to be deeply involved? She's likely leaving real money on the table.
Tough situation. I know what it's like feel responsible for family members who can't pull themselves together, and even with significant resources and extended family involvement the crux of the matter is emotional attachment that quickly gets cross cut with anger and resentment (on all sides). You are choosing to sacrifice a significant path of self-realization to take care of your mom and sister. They take it for granted. You seethe with quiet despair at ever trying to move on. What helps most in these situations is honesty (well, and money). It sounds like your mom is difficult and likely depressed too (an affect of seeming perfectly happy seems incompatible with the trajectory you describe). But you need to reach her with a truthful recognition that "taking care of her" is going to require her to make an effort of her own, and might involve you moving away.
You need all the resources you can get. Her disability will convert to regular social security. She should get a share of her ex's SS and that shouldn't be optional. Maybe the mortgage is close to being paid off? If so can you sell the place and move her into a more downsized and lower cost setting where she can also do more basic upkeep for herself? Or in a few years pursue an assisted living situation (if Medicaid still exists). But you have to get out for yourself and to make more money to take care of this stuff too.
Dont drown, you can hack this.
posted by spitbull at 4:45 AM on June 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Is your Mom well enough to provide child care so your sister can work?
Does your sister get child support?
Is your mom on federal disability(SSD/SSI, not my area of expertise)?
Have they applied for food stamps, medicaid, TANF?
If not, these should be explored asap. When you apply for various types of assistance, always ask about other resources that may be available.
Do you want to go to school? look for a different job? live somewhere else? Take some time to consider options. Go to the library, get a reference librarian to help you find books or videos to help explore career change and education options. Take some time with this.
I would sit down with your Mom and your sister, explain that you have been happy to help, but now you are preparing to make some changes in your life and you will need them to pay more of their own bills. You expect to make those changes over the next 12 months. There may be anger and a lot of push back. Just keep repeating that I have been happy to help, but now I am preparing to make some changes in my life and you will need to pay more of your own bills. I expect to make those changes over the next 12 months. Let's talk about ways we can all make this work.
You've been a standup guy at home, stepping up to take care of your family when they needed you. You are smart and work hard and have been steadily promoted at work. You must be exhausted, maybe depressed, definitely discouraged and dispirited. You deserve to have your own life.
posted by theora55 at 6:33 AM on June 28, 2017 [15 favorites]
Does your sister get child support?
Is your mom on federal disability(SSD/SSI, not my area of expertise)?
Have they applied for food stamps, medicaid, TANF?
If not, these should be explored asap. When you apply for various types of assistance, always ask about other resources that may be available.
Do you want to go to school? look for a different job? live somewhere else? Take some time to consider options. Go to the library, get a reference librarian to help you find books or videos to help explore career change and education options. Take some time with this.
I would sit down with your Mom and your sister, explain that you have been happy to help, but now you are preparing to make some changes in your life and you will need them to pay more of their own bills. You expect to make those changes over the next 12 months. There may be anger and a lot of push back. Just keep repeating that I have been happy to help, but now I am preparing to make some changes in my life and you will need to pay more of your own bills. I expect to make those changes over the next 12 months. Let's talk about ways we can all make this work.
You've been a standup guy at home, stepping up to take care of your family when they needed you. You are smart and work hard and have been steadily promoted at work. You must be exhausted, maybe depressed, definitely discouraged and dispirited. You deserve to have your own life.
posted by theora55 at 6:33 AM on June 28, 2017 [15 favorites]
Best answer: No one has said this yet, so I'm here to tell you that you are a saint, and a hero.
And although you sound a little embarrassed about how easy it was to get the warehouse job in the first place, the achievement is that you've hung in there with it all this time and through all this discouragement and adversity. I think in our society the emphasis is all on ambition and getting ahead, but in any other traditional setting or era where the emphasis was on keeping things together and preserving what you had, you'd be considered a notable success. You're the head of your household and everybody is housed and eating. That's not a small thing.
So setting aside the considerations about who you're supporting and how you're doing it and whether it's a good idea, the real dilemma is how to find a new, better-paying job when you're in a rural area and you work nights.
And the problem there is that it sounds like the area where you are is remote enough so that finding another job doing warehouse/inventory management without a very long commute is going to be hard. Right?
So you either have to figure out a way to make money online or remotely, or at least improve your skills online or remotely. One possibility; enter a program that has mostly online classes and do those. Especially if your work duties are less demanding these days and you have a little more energy to spare. Another: teach yourself a new skill using online resources, which are amazing and plentiful once you've figured out what you want to pursue.
The people I know in my rural area who work remotely and who are making it work financially have mastered weird/legacy niche programming languages that few others know, or else are taking advantage of other people's leisure activities, like building businesses around video games or fixing other kinds of tech equipment. (The other thing they do is go to nursing school, but it doesn't sound as if your interests lie in that direction.)
A good way to begin skills inventory is to think about things that seem hard for other people but are really simple for you. Is there something you do at work (or somewhere else in life) that other people struggle with but that you don't have much trouble with. Often people are blind to their own gifts. What do other people remark on when they work with you?
You don't have to have The Big Talk with any of your family now. It's too early. You only have to have The Big Talk when you actually get an offer that will change things.
Hang in there! Hang in there.
posted by nohattip at 6:50 AM on June 28, 2017 [15 favorites]
And although you sound a little embarrassed about how easy it was to get the warehouse job in the first place, the achievement is that you've hung in there with it all this time and through all this discouragement and adversity. I think in our society the emphasis is all on ambition and getting ahead, but in any other traditional setting or era where the emphasis was on keeping things together and preserving what you had, you'd be considered a notable success. You're the head of your household and everybody is housed and eating. That's not a small thing.
So setting aside the considerations about who you're supporting and how you're doing it and whether it's a good idea, the real dilemma is how to find a new, better-paying job when you're in a rural area and you work nights.
And the problem there is that it sounds like the area where you are is remote enough so that finding another job doing warehouse/inventory management without a very long commute is going to be hard. Right?
So you either have to figure out a way to make money online or remotely, or at least improve your skills online or remotely. One possibility; enter a program that has mostly online classes and do those. Especially if your work duties are less demanding these days and you have a little more energy to spare. Another: teach yourself a new skill using online resources, which are amazing and plentiful once you've figured out what you want to pursue.
The people I know in my rural area who work remotely and who are making it work financially have mastered weird/legacy niche programming languages that few others know, or else are taking advantage of other people's leisure activities, like building businesses around video games or fixing other kinds of tech equipment. (The other thing they do is go to nursing school, but it doesn't sound as if your interests lie in that direction.)
A good way to begin skills inventory is to think about things that seem hard for other people but are really simple for you. Is there something you do at work (or somewhere else in life) that other people struggle with but that you don't have much trouble with. Often people are blind to their own gifts. What do other people remark on when they work with you?
You don't have to have The Big Talk with any of your family now. It's too early. You only have to have The Big Talk when you actually get an offer that will change things.
Hang in there! Hang in there.
posted by nohattip at 6:50 AM on June 28, 2017 [15 favorites]
A friend of mine once told me that when you change the way you play your game, the people around you have no choice but to change the way they play their game.
I think it's commendable that you have contributed so much to taking care of your family thus far, but given the circumstances you've described, it does sound like your family has become complacent about helping care for themselves..
It seems like it would be good for your mental health to take some steps towards your future. Start with making a plan for just yourself. Come up with a time line for when you want to do this, and what your budget would like like in order to hit your goals.
Then sit down with your family and have a frank conversation with them. Tell them what is going to happen, and what your time line is. Let's assume that changes will occur in a few months, with a deadline of one year. Say something like "I've applied to State U and I will be matriculating in the Spring. I will need to move to #town x miles away# . I will (leave my house here or sell my house). I will no longer be able to contribute to the bills here on the property. "
You will get pushback, oh boy will you get pushback, but rely on the MF favorite "that will not be possible". You can offer to drive to appointments with social security or job interviews or whatever, but don't do more than that. Don't fall for guilt or manipulation. Your family will not starve to death. If they end up sitting in the dark, I'm sorry, but that is not your problem. When people are pushed to the edge they find a way. There's no reason why your mom and your sister can't lean on each other a little more and on you a little less.
I wish you the best of luck. It will be a big change and you may feel a little unstable for a while, but that won't last long. I'm actually kind of excited for you to enter a new chapter in your life.
posted by vignettist at 9:04 AM on June 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
I think it's commendable that you have contributed so much to taking care of your family thus far, but given the circumstances you've described, it does sound like your family has become complacent about helping care for themselves..
It seems like it would be good for your mental health to take some steps towards your future. Start with making a plan for just yourself. Come up with a time line for when you want to do this, and what your budget would like like in order to hit your goals.
Then sit down with your family and have a frank conversation with them. Tell them what is going to happen, and what your time line is. Let's assume that changes will occur in a few months, with a deadline of one year. Say something like "I've applied to State U and I will be matriculating in the Spring. I will need to move to #town x miles away# . I will (leave my house here or sell my house). I will no longer be able to contribute to the bills here on the property. "
You will get pushback, oh boy will you get pushback, but rely on the MF favorite "that will not be possible". You can offer to drive to appointments with social security or job interviews or whatever, but don't do more than that. Don't fall for guilt or manipulation. Your family will not starve to death. If they end up sitting in the dark, I'm sorry, but that is not your problem. When people are pushed to the edge they find a way. There's no reason why your mom and your sister can't lean on each other a little more and on you a little less.
I wish you the best of luck. It will be a big change and you may feel a little unstable for a while, but that won't last long. I'm actually kind of excited for you to enter a new chapter in your life.
posted by vignettist at 9:04 AM on June 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yes, you are a hero.
But even heroes need backup.
There are some good suggestions above about getting the ball rolling with benefits and other financial resources. This is a complicated tangle, though, and I'm wondering if you have anyone else in your extended family or community who could help you sort this out. With both your mother and sister stuck in some pretty intractable patterns, it's two against one on the side of change, and I think you will be more successful if you have some kind of team in place.
It's hard to ask people - but you might be surprised who can step up. Even just to sit down with you and brainstorm how to get started.
You said you wanted outside perspective - from where I am this is hard stuff and this is nothing that I respond to with "stop whining." Having grown up in a rural-ish midwestern family - I've seen similar multi-generational struggles with disability and lousy jobs as the economy has gone to pieces and it is hellaciously hard.
posted by pantarei70 at 9:05 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
But even heroes need backup.
There are some good suggestions above about getting the ball rolling with benefits and other financial resources. This is a complicated tangle, though, and I'm wondering if you have anyone else in your extended family or community who could help you sort this out. With both your mother and sister stuck in some pretty intractable patterns, it's two against one on the side of change, and I think you will be more successful if you have some kind of team in place.
It's hard to ask people - but you might be surprised who can step up. Even just to sit down with you and brainstorm how to get started.
You said you wanted outside perspective - from where I am this is hard stuff and this is nothing that I respond to with "stop whining." Having grown up in a rural-ish midwestern family - I've seen similar multi-generational struggles with disability and lousy jobs as the economy has gone to pieces and it is hellaciously hard.
posted by pantarei70 at 9:05 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
You've got a good managerial job and a lot of steady experience. It seems like the smoothest path would be to aim to make a lateral move to another managerial job, in a more economically healthy location, even if it's in another industry. Something that would give you a daytime schedule. You own a home, one you can take with you, that's great. I would aim to do that for a little while, and use that time to consider what else you might like to do, and what kind of training would get you there.
As a non-American, I have no idea about the supports available to your mom and sister, but I think if you asked your mom to give you power of attorney to apply for them, she might not refuse. Frame it as a way of helping her take care of administration etc. that's a hassle for her. Once she's plugged into resources, you can check in to make sure things are going where they need to go. (From a distance.)
Your sister... I think that will be harder. Maybe conversations over time will make some difference... more likely, she will have to make her way with what's available, her way. Maybe she will be moved to adapt to the other changes. You can't predict it (or really influence it, that much).
You're a good and capable person. I echo theora55 and others: You deserve to have your own life.
I have not one doubt that you can do this.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:06 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
As a non-American, I have no idea about the supports available to your mom and sister, but I think if you asked your mom to give you power of attorney to apply for them, she might not refuse. Frame it as a way of helping her take care of administration etc. that's a hassle for her. Once she's plugged into resources, you can check in to make sure things are going where they need to go. (From a distance.)
Your sister... I think that will be harder. Maybe conversations over time will make some difference... more likely, she will have to make her way with what's available, her way. Maybe she will be moved to adapt to the other changes. You can't predict it (or really influence it, that much).
You're a good and capable person. I echo theora55 and others: You deserve to have your own life.
I have not one doubt that you can do this.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:06 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
The fact that you have some management experience is great. That demonstrates to other potential employers that you likely have some important soft skills around motivating people, holding them accountable, managing time, and managing projects. Sometimes it can be hard to see how much you actually know and can do outside of the sphere you've been working in for a long time.
In terms of thinking about a new career, I would start by seeing if your local YMCA, United Way, or Community College offers any job seeker support group/class/workshop that would help you inventory your skills and help you make some decisions about what interests you. Getting some outside perspective and learning about how the job market works would be a good place to start. You might be able to audit a class (for no credit) to explore some topics and see what interests you. Google "job seeker support" and your city to see what pops up.
I would also contact your county senior services or department of aging and see if you can get an appointment with a social worker. That social worker can explain to you all the services and support that are available to your mother and help you make a plan for getting some assistance. They may also have suggestions for care giver support for you. I've used my senior services in my city (it's a big one, so maybe more access) in looking at options for my mother and they were very helpful.
FWIW my cousin, like you, was in his 40s, miserable and stuck in a job he hated. He went back to school to study something completely different and now has a career he's much happier in. You can make big changes in mid-life.
posted by brookeb at 10:19 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
In terms of thinking about a new career, I would start by seeing if your local YMCA, United Way, or Community College offers any job seeker support group/class/workshop that would help you inventory your skills and help you make some decisions about what interests you. Getting some outside perspective and learning about how the job market works would be a good place to start. You might be able to audit a class (for no credit) to explore some topics and see what interests you. Google "job seeker support" and your city to see what pops up.
I would also contact your county senior services or department of aging and see if you can get an appointment with a social worker. That social worker can explain to you all the services and support that are available to your mother and help you make a plan for getting some assistance. They may also have suggestions for care giver support for you. I've used my senior services in my city (it's a big one, so maybe more access) in looking at options for my mother and they were very helpful.
FWIW my cousin, like you, was in his 40s, miserable and stuck in a job he hated. He went back to school to study something completely different and now has a career he's much happier in. You can make big changes in mid-life.
posted by brookeb at 10:19 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Lots of good information here, it is really refreshing to see some outside opinions and it is already helping me to get some sort of basic grip on the situation and to cut through the confusion. The words of encouragement help a lot, too.
I was not aware about the issues with Social Security that spitbull points out. My mom and I were under the impression that she would have to confront my dad to deduct part of his Social Security benefits for her benefit, which she is loathe to do, even if I do think he would be receptive to it. He has been helpful and understands my mom and sister's basic living situation even if he doesn't have the specifics. If I can frame it as something she is just entitled to and she can just do, I think I can get her to get moving on it. It sounds as if I need to get her Disability benefits converted into standard Social Security benefits (if that is the way it works) and then get her to sign up for the portion she is entitled to out of my dad's benefits. I hope that would go a long way to making her home situation more stable, they live on a shoestring budget as it is. If I could get her to much closer to being able to pay the bills, maybe I could even get my sister to pick up the slack. I believe that may need to be my first move.
Trust me when I say I understand I can't just walk away from it all, but I feel I need to get my mom more financially situated to cover more of her bills.
I feel I would most likely need to go back to school to retrain in a new field. My job and company now is so out of date and outmoded that I feel even if I went to another career in the same field I would be woefully unprepared for anything a newer company could throw at me.
I spend my hours after work (which is in the middle of the night) working to train myself to repair electronics, it is something I have always been interested in doing but now I feel I should move harder on it. I'm also working to teach myself to use 3d printers, also. Mind you, none of this is official, it's more like "advanced hobby" now. There is a technical college or two near me that teach these things and I was hoping I could maybe sign up for that, and a certificate from there, in addition to my years of prior work history could move me into a better job.
posted by FireballForever at 3:19 PM on June 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
I was not aware about the issues with Social Security that spitbull points out. My mom and I were under the impression that she would have to confront my dad to deduct part of his Social Security benefits for her benefit, which she is loathe to do, even if I do think he would be receptive to it. He has been helpful and understands my mom and sister's basic living situation even if he doesn't have the specifics. If I can frame it as something she is just entitled to and she can just do, I think I can get her to get moving on it. It sounds as if I need to get her Disability benefits converted into standard Social Security benefits (if that is the way it works) and then get her to sign up for the portion she is entitled to out of my dad's benefits. I hope that would go a long way to making her home situation more stable, they live on a shoestring budget as it is. If I could get her to much closer to being able to pay the bills, maybe I could even get my sister to pick up the slack. I believe that may need to be my first move.
Trust me when I say I understand I can't just walk away from it all, but I feel I need to get my mom more financially situated to cover more of her bills.
I feel I would most likely need to go back to school to retrain in a new field. My job and company now is so out of date and outmoded that I feel even if I went to another career in the same field I would be woefully unprepared for anything a newer company could throw at me.
I spend my hours after work (which is in the middle of the night) working to train myself to repair electronics, it is something I have always been interested in doing but now I feel I should move harder on it. I'm also working to teach myself to use 3d printers, also. Mind you, none of this is official, it's more like "advanced hobby" now. There is a technical college or two near me that teach these things and I was hoping I could maybe sign up for that, and a certificate from there, in addition to my years of prior work history could move me into a better job.
posted by FireballForever at 3:19 PM on June 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I spend my hours after work (which is in the middle of the night) working to train myself to repair electronics, it is something I have always been interested in doing but now I feel I should move harder on it.
Definitely pursue this! I cannot emphasize that enough. I actually don't know off-hand what field you would be going into (electrical engineering? mechanical engineering?) but you probably do! See if there is a certification program at your community college -- it's usually easiest and cheapest to start there, and the credits transfer. If I were you, I would do that right away, so that you can start classes in the fall semester.
Right now, I am in an accounting certification program at my community college and it is wonderful. Once you have specific (hard) skills, you are in a whole different category of worker and everything quickly becomes much easier. Aside from all the stuff like pay, job security, etc, that get easier to command when you bring quantifiable skills to the table, it's also just wonderful to see your own skills grow exponentially and to be able to *put them to work* on the job. It makes work A LOT more satisfying and interesting.
School is also really great when you're used to having to teach yourself. It's so much easier -- they just TELL YOU how to do stuff. I mean, they TEACH YOU. ;) You're not fumbling around with no help, reinventing the wheel over and over.
From what you've written here, I think that you could also probably get plugged into a support network through the school (like via programs for mature students, first gen college students, etc -- depends on your circumstances), which could help you get perks like scholarships and free tutoring, etc. You can probably find out more about that at the academic advising office.
In any case, though, I would say that your first step is to apply/register at the community college, look at the course schedule and see what classes (and certifications) interest you, and make an appointment with academic advising.
Also, you sound like a very kind and responsible person. Rooting for you!
posted by rue72 at 4:17 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Definitely pursue this! I cannot emphasize that enough. I actually don't know off-hand what field you would be going into (electrical engineering? mechanical engineering?) but you probably do! See if there is a certification program at your community college -- it's usually easiest and cheapest to start there, and the credits transfer. If I were you, I would do that right away, so that you can start classes in the fall semester.
Right now, I am in an accounting certification program at my community college and it is wonderful. Once you have specific (hard) skills, you are in a whole different category of worker and everything quickly becomes much easier. Aside from all the stuff like pay, job security, etc, that get easier to command when you bring quantifiable skills to the table, it's also just wonderful to see your own skills grow exponentially and to be able to *put them to work* on the job. It makes work A LOT more satisfying and interesting.
School is also really great when you're used to having to teach yourself. It's so much easier -- they just TELL YOU how to do stuff. I mean, they TEACH YOU. ;) You're not fumbling around with no help, reinventing the wheel over and over.
From what you've written here, I think that you could also probably get plugged into a support network through the school (like via programs for mature students, first gen college students, etc -- depends on your circumstances), which could help you get perks like scholarships and free tutoring, etc. You can probably find out more about that at the academic advising office.
In any case, though, I would say that your first step is to apply/register at the community college, look at the course schedule and see what classes (and certifications) interest you, and make an appointment with academic advising.
Also, you sound like a very kind and responsible person. Rooting for you!
posted by rue72 at 4:17 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Here's the Social Security page on spousal retirement benefits. I would recommend calling, if they can't help your mother over the phone she can at least make an appointment to apply in person. Research local social service agencies that serve the disabled or elderly that can help you identify and apply for services and financial resources. She probably qualifies for programs like Meals on Wheels and HEAP (assistance with paying heating/cooling bills).
posted by fox problems at 6:26 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by fox problems at 6:26 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: For those who may still be interested/following this, I have gotten my mom to contact Social Security, but she is unable to draw for now, because my dad is younger than she is. He must qualify (but he doesn't have to draw, just qualify) for social security, and she can begin drawing from his. In this situation, that would be about a year and a half until he is 62.
She is now calling the Commissions for the Aging to see if she can qualify for any type of assistance. I am hoping she can at least find some assistance with getting a wheelchair ramp installed, a major need over at her house, and also to see if she qualifies for any other type of assistance.
In the meantime, I will be attempting to polish myself up for returning to school and saving to exit my job then, because that time is an interesting confluence of events. My current boss will be retiring (he has said to me before it would be around two years) and I fear for the company after that happens because he does a lot to hold the company together, even basic maintenance and building repairs. The company really leans too hard on relying on the short staff that it has, and I don't know how the company will cope without him. I don't really want to be around to see, either. It will be an opportunity to get a promotion probably, but the pay and massive headaches will not be worth it so I am planning to leave then and hopefully (fingers crossed) my mom should be at the point where she can draw that Social Security.
Thanks for all of the insight and assistance, it really helped me to collect myself and take stock of the situation.
posted by FireballForever at 2:24 PM on July 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
She is now calling the Commissions for the Aging to see if she can qualify for any type of assistance. I am hoping she can at least find some assistance with getting a wheelchair ramp installed, a major need over at her house, and also to see if she qualifies for any other type of assistance.
In the meantime, I will be attempting to polish myself up for returning to school and saving to exit my job then, because that time is an interesting confluence of events. My current boss will be retiring (he has said to me before it would be around two years) and I fear for the company after that happens because he does a lot to hold the company together, even basic maintenance and building repairs. The company really leans too hard on relying on the short staff that it has, and I don't know how the company will cope without him. I don't really want to be around to see, either. It will be an opportunity to get a promotion probably, but the pay and massive headaches will not be worth it so I am planning to leave then and hopefully (fingers crossed) my mom should be at the point where she can draw that Social Security.
Thanks for all of the insight and assistance, it really helped me to collect myself and take stock of the situation.
posted by FireballForever at 2:24 PM on July 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
« Older What should my SharePoint role be called? | Study into pause duration in male and female... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by archimago at 4:19 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]