How do you make money when you arne't allowed to leave the house?

April 27, 2009 4:19 PM

How can my 18-year-old sister make enough money to move out on her own when she has no car or license, no job experience, and unsupportive parents?

My sister will be graduating from high school soon and really needs to move out, but it seems impossible for her to get a job and save money. She'd be willing to work just about any job, but she has no way of getting around. She can't get her driver's license because she needs glasses and our parents won't take her to get any... and even if she had her license, they wouldn't let her drive any of their cars. Their house is about a 20-minute drive to civilization so walking isn't an option, and public transportation is basically non-existent.

She's feeling pretty miserable and hopeless, and as much as I want to help, I can't think of a way out for her either. I don't live close to her at all and I've offered to let her come live with me, but she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend (who graduates next year).

She is (theoretically) planning on going to college next year to be a graphic designer and is especially interested in t-shirt designs, so she's been considering submitting designs to threadless or something, but she needs more practice, computer time at home is very limited, and that's not going to provide a steady income anyway.

So... what can she do to make money and move out and stop being miserable? What can I do to help her?

posted by logic vs love to work & money (34 comments total)

Um... Find a situation where she can get/obtain/purchase glasses. It seems like a lot of the problems stem from there... I mean... what?
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 4:26 PM on April 27 [4 favorites has favorites]

As in why specifically are the glasses such an obstacle?
posted by Lacking Subtlety at 4:27 PM on April 27

Let me get this straight - your parents won't take her to get glasses? This sounds either incredibly unlikely or some bizarre control freakiness on the part of your parents. Are you getting this info from your sister, because it just doesn't jibe.

When your sister is ready to really move out, she will move out - boyfriend or no. Right now it sounds like she's kvetching and making excuses in the hopes that a magical solution will appear.

I grew up in a similar area - no public transportation and no car - but there is always a way to make money: yard work, babysitting, housecleaning - heck, she can carpool into town with a neighbor if need be. She'll be fine.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 4:30 PM on April 27 [2 favorites has favorites]

Can you pay for the glasses and possibly facilitate her getting them, like actually by visiting her area and driving her where she needs to get?
posted by MadamM at 4:32 PM on April 27

Does she have internet access and an Rx for the glasses? She can get them super cheap at www.zennioptical.com.

Like, really, $25 cheap.
posted by tristeza at 4:32 PM on April 27 [5 favorites has favorites]

If she can get glasses (and as previous posters have pointed out, she can) then a bicycle could be a cheap, temporary solution to the transportation problem.
posted by hermitosis at 4:35 PM on April 27

She's feeling pretty miserable and hopeless...

Also, in my experience with teenagers, this is going to be the main thing that keeps her from doing anything to get unstuck, regardless of how many viable solutions are handed to her. If she feels hopeless, then she's far more likely to be dismissive of ideas she thinks "just won't work."
posted by hermitosis at 4:37 PM on April 27 [4 favorites has favorites]

What initially comes to mind is to help her a bit financially - mostly, just to get her started. Perhaps you can front her cab fare to get to an eye appointment, and get her some glasses from zennioptical, as mentioned above. I know that then there's the issue of getting her a car to drive, in which case you can offer to help with that, or not. But at least you will have helped her with the initial obstacle of not having a license due to poor eyesight.

Maybe a chat with your parents to see if they can commit to at least loaning her their car, or helping out in some other way. If there is any chance that your sister is not being honest about their lack of support, it will probably all come out in the open at that point.

If she is getting no help and simply not able to get past the issue of getting herself to and from a job, well, she knows your offer to move in with you in on the table. If it really is her only ticket out, then she needs to act on it. Sticking around in a bad situation just because of a boyfriend is her choice.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 4:41 PM on April 27

Let me get this straight - you're parents won't take her to get glasses?

I'd rather not get into the stupid details, but, yes, my parents really are this crazy. I will probably take her to the eye doctor myself next time I visit, but even then, it doesn't solve that much, so I probably shouldn't have brought it up.

a bicycle could be a cheap, temporary solution to the transportation problem
I didn't think about a bicycle. She doesn't have one now and they live in the desert, so I'm not sure if that will work, but it's something to consider.
posted by logic vs love at 4:41 PM on April 27

Sounds like my life at that point. I got out and went to college with my scholarships, but could probably have done the same with financial aid. Will your parents' income make trouble for her there?

If the college thing won't happen right away, sound like all you can do is offer a place with you when she's ready to take it.
posted by dilettante at 4:45 PM on April 27

Would it help if she had her own computer? Then, depending on the family's internet service, maybe she could use it as much as she wanted.
posted by amtho at 4:50 PM on April 27

You have given her the best possible option: Moving in with you. I notice your profile says you live in San Francisco: A place with jobs and public transportation.

I remember being young-and-in-love, but staying with parents who will not do what they can to ensure that their daughter has glasses when she needs them, and instead choosing to stay in the desert with those parents because of a boyfriend, is very foolish.

So foolish that, I'd argue, there is not much you can do to help her until she's ready to better her situation. Until then, she can bicycle with a canteen of water through the desert to her babysitting and handy-work jobs.

To help her (see the light), talk with her about her boyfriend. If he really loves her, he would want what's best for her. And, they can always talk on the phone, and he can come visit her in San Francisco.
posted by Houstonian at 5:20 PM on April 27 [13 favorites has favorites]

If you can ger her glasses and a bike/ride (no small feat, I understand), she should look into temping agencies. She won't need much if any experience and it can help her make good connections. The money can be pretty good. She can turn down jobs she doesn't want. She does need to be able to smile, take instructions, deal with some corporate b.s., and have a basic familiarity with computers.
posted by juliplease at 5:23 PM on April 27

So, what's the plan, then? Her parents want her to hang around all summer until she goes to college? It is temporary.
posted by amanda at 5:25 PM on April 27

I don't mean to be heartless--I'm sure that having a boyfriend she likes does something to make up for a crappy home situation--but it sounds like her life would be so much better if she came to live with you. I mean, they won't take her to get glasses she needs--to see? And she's in a desert suburb with no car or license or public transit? Is there any way she could move in with you and you could facilitate weekend trips to visit the boyfriend on a semi-monthly basis and/or longer trips over holidays? I don't mean to assume too much flexibility in your financial situation, but moving in with you seems like such a shining treasure of an option compared to staying with your parents. As helpful as glasses will be, if she's as miserable as it sounds and your parents are as crazy as it sounds, then the best way you can help her is to get her to move in with you. From the stability of your home, it'll be a lot easier for her to learn how to drive, get a job or two, and become financially independent.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:29 PM on April 27

Not that this is helpful, but if your parents are as nutty as that, her boyfriend may feel like the only support she's got, (I know she has you, but you're across the country.) so I have a lot of sympathy for her reluctance to leave him behind. Also, who knows what his situation is- he might be in a similarly stuck and she doesn't want to abandon him.

Glasses yes! If biking isn't feasible I wonder how hard it would be to save up enough for a little scooter? If you go small enough I don't THINK you need a special license (in California anyway.) A 20 minute drive is a long long bike ride, even when it ISN'T 112 degrees Farenheit outside.
posted by small_ruminant at 5:30 PM on April 27

I had a similar situation, down to the crazy parents. Moved out ASAP and even though I had to couch-surf and sleep in libraries and on heating grates for a winter it was worth it when I got my first actual apartment. It would have sucked a lot less with a supportive older sibling such as yourself. And would like to offer another vote for the zennioptical idea; I got a $40 eye exam locally, and the $35 Zenni glasses I'm wearing now are the best pair I've ever had.
posted by jtron at 5:32 PM on April 27

Also: not sure on the laws, but it would seem to me that refusing to get your minor daughter the glasses she needs to function in society is pretty much child abuse. I'm glad you're helping to get her out, or at least help her.
posted by jtron at 5:33 PM on April 27 [2 favorites has favorites]

One tip about the glasses--hope this isn't too much of a derail--cheapo places that offer free or low-cost eye exams make all their money off of glasses, so they tend not to be willing to disclose your pupillary distance, which you need to know in order to purchase glasses from discount online places. You can measure it yourself, sort of, but it's best to have it professionally done. So, it's something worth finding out ahead of time--whether or not the optometrist will disclose the PD, if the zennioptical option is something you're pursuing. They'll also disclose the PD if/when you buy glasses.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:22 PM on April 27

Bike is good.

I lived in the middle of nowhere when I was 18, and got a job as a waitress and had to hitchhike for an hour to get to work every day - but I wanted out and was going to do what I had to do to get it.
Not advocating hitchhiking for your sister! I live in a country where that's only an option for half the year, hence the hitchhiking - sounds like your sister could bike year-round. And there are always entry-level jobs for people willing to work them - waitressing, cleaning, working cash registers... she just has to be willing to pay the price of a menial job and and maybe a long bike ride both ways to get her independance.
Bonus: if she finds a job with medical (some entry-level places have it), then her glasses will come with.
posted by Billegible at 6:28 PM on April 27

er, where biking is only an option for half a year. And couldn't afford a car.
posted by Billegible at 6:29 PM on April 27

If your parents won't take her to get glasses, can you give her the money and have her get someone else to take her to Lenscrafters or similar? Because if she can't see well enough to pass a driving test without glasses, she really really needs glasses (I consider myself very near-sighted and I can pass a DMV eye test without glasses).

I know this seems like focusing on a minor issue, but I wonder how she's functioning on a day-to-day basis with vision that impaired. I would think that solving that problem alone would be empowering.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:51 PM on April 27

Does she leave the house to go to school? I'm so flabbergasted at the idea of your parents denying her GLASSES that I really can't think of anything else at the moment.
posted by crankylex at 7:00 PM on April 27

I'm not so sure about having her come live with you unless you make it clear that she needs a job and has to pay rent. Here's the thing, you do the hard stuff you have to do because you have to do it. Send her money for glasses and find a glasses place that is within walking distance of her school. She'll need money for an exam and money for lenses. Often major chains run great 1/2 price sales and whatnot -- especially in this economy.

If she doesn't do that then she doesn't really want it. I'm heartless and don't much care about a high school boyfriend relationship. She needs to get ready for college and if she can spend a summer getting a little employment experience and living her own life, she'll probably be really much better prepared for it. If you can give her that, then great but make sure there are boundaries. I don't know why but I feel like your sister might just mooch off you for a summer.
posted by amanda at 7:18 PM on April 27

Getting her off to college in the fall seems like an important thing to ensure happens. That's the best way to get her away from your parents. Has she applied and been accepted to college or when you say "theoretically," do you mean that she hasn't? For many schools, application deadlines for fall have passed, and for the rest, those deadlines are coming up very soon. If she hasn't applied, help her fill out her FAFSA and school applications.

If you can pay for her glasses or somehow help her go to the optometrist, that would get things rolling on the other stuff. Even buying them in person at a retail glasses store, you can get them cheap if you get the off-brand frames. Places like Sears and Walmart often have really affordable glasses, too. (nobody derail about Walmart, please, in some towns, it's the only glasses store)

Could she get a job as a live-in nanny? If not, even just babysitting could work. A lot of parents are perfectly willing to pick-up and take home the sitter if they don't drive.
posted by fructose at 7:34 PM on April 27

If your parents are really this crazy, she needs to get out of that house. I can't tell you how fucked up it is that they won't get her glasses. Look..revealing a bit too much here, to be sure, but, growing up, my mother beat me in some of the most fucked up ways and fucked up things you can think of, but she still made sure I had glasses. Hell, I wish I knew you personally so I could figure out a way to help - that's how fucked this situation sounds to me.

And to hell with the boyfriend. She can get more. First priority is to get the hell away from your parents.

I will probably take her to the eye doctor myself next time I visit, but even then, it doesn't solve that much, so I probably shouldn't have brought it up

No. Bringing this up is critical to showing the severity of the situation.

The gift of sight can, pun intended, do wonders for someone's outlook.
posted by zerokey at 7:35 PM on April 27 [1 favorite has favorites]

Also, if she needs glasses to see to drive, she must need them to read the board at school. She should tell her teachers/ a counselor that your parents refuse to get her the glasses she needs and they may be be able to either find someone that will help her get glasses without your parents' help, or to intervene with them and MAKE them get her glasses.
posted by fructose at 7:35 PM on April 27 [2 favorites has favorites]

Have her talk to her guidance counselor at school. Maybe there are local options to help her.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:16 PM on April 27

Also, if she's missed deadlines for a University -- community college deadlines are generally more flexible. And, it's a great way to ease in to college life without as much expense.
posted by amanda at 8:53 PM on April 27

Unless she's afraid your parents will physically hurt her, she should go to her school nurse or counselor and say that she needs glasses to see what's going on at school. They'll help her get it taken care of, one way or the other.

Also, if her boyfriend is so great, can he take her to the eye doctor?

There's probably nothing you can do to convince her to leave her boyfriend. I'd imagine that it feels as though he's everything to her right now. But you can encourage her to get some of the other tools that will help make her independent.
posted by decathecting at 9:51 PM on April 27

Why can't you get her glasses? Fuck, I'll buy glasses for your sister if she can't get help. Get her an rX and get in touch with me if that's the case. I'll give you my email addy if you mefi message me.
I'd also like for someone to kick your parents in the teeth, but, I'll stay out of commenting on that.

To convince her to move in with you just tell her that the bf is really ugly, and obviously worthless on an emotional level, but she can't tell since she is blind.

On a more serious note about the bf. If this were my sister I'd tell her if she really wants to grow up it's time to pack the bags and come live with big bro.
After that, it would be taking on "Project Sister" with a 3 year roll out plan of success.

Maybe have her visit you in San Fran before confronting her...it shouldn't be too hard to have her find a guy she likes out there.
Or tell her they can spend weekends alternating between each others colleges or something but honestly I think she is so messed up right now that there is no way this guy is the one so it doesn't matter.
posted by zephyr_words at 10:38 PM on April 27

Speaking as someone whose had glasses since he was 3 years old...yes, I basically in communicative in adult ways but my eyes were so bad that they knew I needed glasses...Get. Her. Glasses. Having vision problems that aren't being addressed is a terrible burden.
posted by mmascolino at 5:41 AM on April 28

If she were a minor, this would constitute child neglect. How did she get through high school?

She should go to the welfare office, and look into getting whatever General Relief is now called, plus foodstamps, etc. It should be enough to live on, if she finds a roommate situation. School social worker or counselor might be able to help her get free medical care for glasses. The parents are, for whatever reason, not competent to care for her. It happens. The big, bureaucratic system can and should help her.
posted by theora55 at 11:06 AM on April 28

When I am in situations where I feel hopeless, I find it helpful to break down the obstacles one by one so that I can address them more individually and perhaps come up with more creative solutions. Here they seem to be:

No job: This probably requires transportation, although I should mention that there are in fact jobs that one can do from home. This may not be an option if she's living with uncooperative parents. This probably requires glasses too, and a license if she doesn't have an ID.

No license: Needs glasses, possibly transportation to the DMV, possibly money. Note that an 18-year old living with parents with a license will increase their insurance. At least, when I was that age it didn't matter if everyone agreed I'd never drive the cars--the insurance went up as if they assumed I would. So parents may not be able to afford the aftermath of a license.

No transportation: Possibly needs a license, unless a bicycle or public transport/rideshare is used. If a bicycle, glasses are probably a good idea if she can't drive without them. May require money.

No Glasses: Needs money and transportation (only one time though, for the exam).

No Money: Need a job, or a helpful friend or sister (at least for an initial seed loan).


It appears a good deal of problems will be easier with glasses (and, for heaven sakes, if you can't see life sucks!). Fortunately this appears to be one of the easier problems to solve, as it only requires a bit of cash (which the helpful sister can provide), and one time transportation (or none at all if one has a prescription already). Even an old prescription will be good enough in a pinch.

So the first problem is: get to an eye exam center (one that will give your prescription). The first thing that comes to mind is a Wal-Mart; many have optometry centers and they are not known for high prices. I don't know if they're annoying about releasing the prescription. I know Costco is generally OK with it if that's an option. But if you can afford helping, the problem's not really that hard.

Heck, if it's that hard to get someone to take her, send some more money for gas/inconvenience and she can start waving cash at people: "What are you doing this weekend? I've got $XX for you if you can drive me to town!"

One problem at a time.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 1:58 PM on April 28