How do I deal with inappropriate behavior on a play date?

May 20, 2017 12:35 AM

My kid just did something totally inappropriate during a play date. What is the best way to deal with it?

She is 10 years old and pretty immature for her age. He is 10 or 11. Shortly after they came in, she said she was hot and she was going to change, "in the bedroom, with my door closed." She came out in a tank and undies and thick costume robe and sat down. I realized almost immediately what was going on and sent her to her room, followed her in, and told her pretty strongly that was not okay. She put some shorts on. Friend acted like he didn't know what happened, but it was very clear at least because she said she would put some shorts on as she was going to her room.

As I was typing this question, I noticed her shorts were on inside out and told her. She ran to her room to fix it, but I didn't hear the door close after her. Friend was in the hallway, in view of her room. I yelled out "close the door!" twice, and the second time I heard the door bump against the doorframe. She says she wasn't in the process of stripping down before she closed the door.

These two are besties, but she also has a crush on him that he doesn't return.

As far as I know, she hasn't been sexually exploited. We've been pretty tight on internet and video controls because we haven't felt she was mature enough for looser controls yet.

Do I tell his dad when he comes to pick up her kid? His mom, who I know better, when I next see her?

Anything I need to bring up in particular with my girl when I have a longer talk with her?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

I think you may be making a bigger deal of this than it is.
Maybe there is other stuff going on but here's what I would do:
After the play date when things cool off, talk to your daughter about how while it is totally okay to be comfortable with one's body and not to have shame, that IN GENERAL, we try to not be naked in front of people beside the doctor, siblings, and parents. One reason why is that it can make other people feel uncomfortable. And some people might be uncomfortable seeing others in their underwear. So let's make a deal that when we have people at the house outside of immediate family, we keep this in mind.

I might maybe casually mention to the mom how daughter was absent minded and didn't full close the door when changing and that you hope that her son didn't have any questions about it.

But again, I sort of worry about the question premise. I try really hard to discourage my own similarly aged (boy) child from using the word inappropriate, especially when it comes to bodies and/or clothing.
posted by k8t at 1:17 AM on May 20, 2017 [45 favorites]

She's (presumably) prepubescent? Does she get changed in communal areas at school? Does she seem particularly sexually precocious to you? Because if not, maybe she just wasn't really thinking about it in terms of appropriateness?
posted by KateViolet at 1:27 AM on May 20, 2017 [7 favorites]

I'm kind of confused about what she did that was inappropriate. You said she was wearing a thick robe, and her underpants and a top underneath. So she wasn't actually exposed in any way, right? But you were already typing up this question before the second thing happened, which is that she only closed the door of her room after you told her to (but this was still before she actually took any clothes off).

Was the main issue that you think she wouldn't have closed the door if you hadn't told her to? Because yeah, that's not great, but it's not something she did that was inappropriate, but rather something you think she might have been going to do.

If the problem was the initial outfit choice, it doesn't really sound inappropriate. Just, not very fashion forward.
posted by lollusc at 1:40 AM on May 20, 2017 [18 favorites]

Did you ask her why she did it and what she expected to happen? I think you need to be careful here - she didn't do anything wrong, and by jumping on her and responding sternly you could make her feel uncomfortable talking to you about her feelings. It sounds like you think (possibly correctly) that she was changing into her underwear and a robe as some kind of prelude to making a move on her friend who she has a crush on? But as an immature 10 year old, it seems doubtful she would have any idea about what it would mean to make a move on someone or how to go about it.

This is an opportunity to discuss with her how to appropriately communicate to her friend that she has a crush on him and do age appropriate things to follow up on that. If she feels she can't talk to you about it, she may end up in over her head at some other time when you're not around to see what's happening. Or maybe you've misinterpreted the situation and this was something completely different than what you think? Could something have happened that embarrassed her? Could she have had to change because she got her period??
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:52 AM on May 20, 2017 [24 favorites]

I'm the parent of an 11 year old boy and an almost 9 year old girl. If you told me about this when I came to pick up my kid I'd smile and nod politely, but privately think that you were a bit tightly wound. Everyone is different and this would not be a big deal at our house at all. The kid had underpants and a robe on, they haven't hit puberty yet and kids often don't have the same boundaries we do. My 9 year old is in a constant state of disrobing and dressing up to perform when her friends are here and I have to remind both of my kids to close the bathroom door (though not when their friends are here, I admit).

I agree that you should talk to your child in a non-accusatory manner, and see if you can work out what was going on. Maybe she was just hot, or wanted to be the queen, or thought the robe felt cool on her skin. Mine, like yours, are at the age where more privacy is becoming an issue. They will hit puberty soon but it is a transitional period. I often have to remind them that some things happen in private. At the same time I don't want to freak them out or make them think that bodies or showing skin is bad. Like so many things it is all about context.
posted by Cuke at 5:29 AM on May 20, 2017 [36 favorites]

I'm having a hard time understanding why you're so concerned.

Are you worried that your girl was experimenting with some sort of seduction technique by first coming out in her underwear and then changing without ensuring that she was alone?

Or are you worried that she doesn't have the social niceties yet to know not to take her clothes off at a playdate?

The second possibility is worth addressing because she depends on you for social skill instruction, so you can and should make sure she knows that as she gets older, social norms require that she not take her clothes off in front of other people, boys especially, except for in specific places like locker rooms and doctor's offices.

And as for the first one, as suggested above, you ought to ask her why she came out in her underwear with her friend over. Just see what she says. It's more important to listen than to do anything else right now. And I wouldn't say anything to the kid's dad.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:31 AM on May 20, 2017 [5 favorites]

I must be missing something. Even if she has a shirt and underwear on, if she has a thick robe covering it all, she's covered from head to toe - nuns wear less than that. Can you explain what your issue is? You might want to explain it to your daughter too, it doesn't sound like she gets it either.
posted by Jubey at 6:40 AM on May 20, 2017 [5 favorites]

I think the unanimous nature of the response so far should hopefully highlight an appropriate response here. Unless there's a history of sexual advances by your daughter (which i read as unlikely by you calling her immature) i simply see zero that she did wrong. Zero.
posted by chasles at 7:23 AM on May 20, 2017 [6 favorites]

when, god forbid it should ever happen but admitting that it can, ten-year-old boy children get it into their heads to sexually assault their peers, they don't do it because they were inflamed beyond reason by the sight of their best friend running around in underwear and a cape pretending to be whatever your kid was pretending to be. Nor do they receive the inspiration to do it because their best friend put on her pants inside out like a goof and had to change them.

Please do not think about or talk to your daughter in such a way that if she is ever sexually exploited -- bearing in mind that the kind of freaky experimental things curious ten-year-olds get up to does not need to and does not usually incorporate "exploitation," even if it is a good idea to discourage it anyway -- she actually thinks it has anything to do with having her clothes on the right way or with treating a boy friend in her house the same casual and fearless way she'd treat a girl. It doesn't, and she knows this now, but it is very hard for a young girl to continue knowing this if her parents don't also know it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:29 AM on May 20, 2017 [32 favorites]

There's a lot of worry expressed in your question, and it makes me wonder if you've buried the lede here. Is "pretty immature for her age" really a euphemism for you knowing or suspecting that she has a spectrum disorder? Has she started puberty early?

Perhaps you're simply embarrassed for her that she has an unrequited crush and you don't want her to act "desperate". Is this about trying to protect her from the pain of an awkward rejection?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your daughter to practice discretion and to take personal accountability for her safety, but you might want to unpack what's really going on here from your perspective before you inadvertently make her feel like she ought to be ashamed of being normal.
posted by blerghamot at 7:46 AM on May 20, 2017 [2 favorites]

I get your concern. As the parent of a boy who has a girl bestie, I can totally imagine this happening, but I wouldn't be too upset. But it's because I know the personality of the girl and that of the parents. In our case I would trust them to discuss it appropriately with their daughter. They would probably tell me "daughter started to change her clothes right in front of your son but we put a quick stop to that" and then I would go about my day and not think much of it. I have my own conversations with son about privacy and modesty and boundaries on a regular basis anyway, so if son were really bothered he would bring it up.

Point being, if you feel it's something the parents need to know keep it casual and be quick to share that you dealt with it. Don't make it more than it is. And don't feel like they will judge you or your family, this is a normal testing boundaries kind of thing and I doubt very much that they will stop hanging out with your family over it.
posted by vignettist at 7:52 AM on May 20, 2017

Perhaps you're simply embarrassed for her that she has an unrequited crush and you don't want her to act "desperate". Is this about trying to protect her from the pain of an awkward rejection?

if this is it, it might be good for an identifying parent to remember that this is profoundly 10-year-old level behavior -- taking your pants off as a benign experimental gesture, to see what reaction it inspires, or taking them off as a moderately hostile exhibitionist gesture, if it was either of those things, is nothing like adult or teenage "seductive" behavior. which in any case just usually means a girl or woman doing the same things that are labelled "aggressive" in boys and men -- don't read adult motives into child behavior, even child sexual behavior, but also don't read passive enticement/desperation into active experimentation just because it's a girl and not a boy.

there's this whole period where the overlap between the sexual and the "gross" and the simply embarrassing is very hard to peel apart, and the taboo violation of showing someone your bottom and the fit of hysterics you go into with your best friend when you hear an adult say the phrase "bottom of the barrel" are all of a piece, kind of. Ten years old is right in there. skirting the edges of the forbidden is completely normal; thinking of it as coming from the same place it would come from in a 20 year old is not. the closer a kid gets to puberty the more they will think about sex literally all of the time, but it still isn't like the way adults think about it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:21 AM on May 20, 2017 [18 favorites]

It sounds like she was wearing more clothing than should would had the kids been playing at a pool together. Would you have an issue with her being in a bathing suit around boys her age?

I get that she should be make sure her door is closed when she's changing, but that's a different issue, and one you can easily discuss regarding privacy, etc.
posted by greta simone at 9:29 AM on May 20, 2017 [3 favorites]

Be very careful here with making her feel shame about her body. If my parent had done that when I was a kid I don't think I would trust them to talk about actual serious issues later on when it mattered. If you're going to talk to her, talk to her. Don't just strongly tell her she's being inappropriate.
posted by coldbabyshrimp at 10:47 AM on May 20, 2017 [8 favorites]

I'm not a parent, but this wouldn't have flown in the household I grew up in either. Not for anything sexual, but we just didn't hang around in our underwear and costume robes (I'm thinking a Ric Flair-type costume robe, which does make me smile) in front of guests. It's an etiquette thing, really, and I can see where there would be upset, even though I agree with others that you're overreacting a bit.

So don't tell the other parents, but just be "Yo! Not cool to wear undies in front of guests! Okay? Cool. Go have fun." Again, don't make it about her body, don't make it a sexual thing. It's just etiquette.
posted by kimberussell at 11:58 AM on May 20, 2017 [5 favorites]

At 10 I was still going topless at the beach all summer with a gaggle of other kids of both sexes. We were taking baths and showers together till about age 8 or 9 and I remember parents had to specifically tell us not to go to the bathroom at the same time around that age. And yes I had crushes on some of the boys but they weren't physical in nature at that age, just more of wanting them to think you were cool. I think being angry with your daughter has more potential to do harm here than anything she was getting up to.

She is going to lose her male bff sometime in the next couple years though and this might be a good time to start supporting her in that so she doesn't do something desperate to keep his attention. But not yelling at her, talking to her. I get a real sense that you think your kid is lame and socially awkward from this post and you assume she's going to screw stuff up/ is doing wrong. That's going to cause far more harm than being immature or even than early sexual activity if she does go there in the next 4 or 5 years.
posted by fshgrl at 12:04 PM on May 20, 2017 [7 favorites]

Mod note: From the OP:

Thanks so much for your responses. I can see that I overreacted, and it helps a lot to know that.

To clarify some things: the robe was open in the front. She is prepubescent. Behaviorally, her age is closer to a child maybe 1-2 years younger. She is not cognitively impaired. I don’t think she is sexually precocious, nor do I think she was trying to seduce him. I didn’t read adult motives into it at all. She said she did it because she was hot, but she knows she isn’t supposed to be undressed when we have company, and knowing she has a crush on him, I wondered if she was experimenting. There is an anime I have been letting her watch despite reservations because her friend watches and loves it and it has a close enough rating on Common Sense Media, but it occasionally has scenes like this that bother me a lot as a parent of a girl, and I wondered if it played in here.

I am going to do the best I can to repair the whole thing and do a lot better going forward.

I don’t have a normal, healthy background with regard to sexuality, and this is a trigger situation for Reasons. I can see now I have no idea what is appropriate or normal behavior in kids this age, and I could really use some recalibration and resources for that.

posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:05 PM on May 20, 2017 [7 favorites]

Regarding the follow up. I LOVE the Our Whole Lives sex ed curriculum and would totally recommend it for getting a sense of what's age appropriate.

But as someone that spends all day with 18-22 year olds - the age that there is a great deal of sexual and romantic experimentation - my overall suggestion is helping our littlest boys and girls understand consent. We only touch (kiss, hug, hit, whatever) others when we are 100% sure they want us to and usually the best indication is their verbal acknowledgment. This is a life long lesson. And that our bodies are not something to be ashamed of and a lot of the "rules" about our bodies (dress code, appropriateness) are created and enforced to keep women down, even if not consciously. Thus one should ask themselves why they are judging someone else (short skirt or whatever) and how that clothing or body choice impacts them at all. If it doesn't impact, move on. Yet we also have to acknowledge that others may hold these values and to be aware of it. So even though one should be able to hang out in undies and a tank top, others may hold some silly value about this and in an effort not to ruffle them, we accommodate. (This is also my view on swearing.)
As far as sexualized content... Regardless of what filters and rules you have set, kids are going to see this content. And as opposed to when we were kids, it is more private and free now. Thus helping kids understand that media images aren't real (horror movies, sex, fantasy) and working on lessons about how to distinguish real life from fantasy is key. With sexual content in particular, messages like "I don't think that is how real people that care about each other treat each other in physical relationships" and "It seems like they chose an actress with large breasts to get attention. What are they selling us? It seems like people that are trying to sell us something put unrealistic images to grab our eye, huh?"

Setting the stage now can really help in the future I think. My own elementary aged kid is super skeptical about any marketing and I am so glad!

Anyway, I don't want to sound lecturing but in your project about sex and body stuff with regard to your daughter, this is what works for my family and based on my regular experience with the sexual lives of young adults.
posted by k8t at 12:57 PM on May 20, 2017 [10 favorites]

So even though one should be able to hang out in undies and a tank top, others may hold some silly value about this and in an effort not to ruffle them, we accommodate.

This seems to be a reply to my comment above. I wouldn't call it a silly value. It's not a value at all, just a matter of formality. If I went over a friend's house for a grown-up play date (wine, cheese, cards/tv ,etc ) and they changed into their underwear, I'd feel out of place. That's all.
posted by kimberussell at 1:52 PM on May 20, 2017

Theres nothing unusual or concerning about that behaviour at all as the father of a 9yo girl.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:21 PM on May 20, 2017 [1 favorite]

Hey, my almost-nine year old girl has a ten-year-old boy as one of her best buddies. If you ever feel like chatting about it, feel free to MeMail.

I agree with everyone else that you're bringing some heat to this that isn't there--it's okay to reel it in and just deal with the micro--'Yo, dude, put some clothes on. You have company.' 'Yo--shut the door when you're dressing, kid.' (I don't know why I occasionally address my daughter as 'dude', it just seems like it mitigates whatever I am saying that is actually Very Firm and reads as Very Firm But You're Not In Trouble'. Ditto 'Yo.' I think it's a tic I tend to use when I am moderating her behavior in front of friends--so telling her what's what in a way that isn't meant to embarrass her. I will talk to her friends the same way. 'Dude, wash your barbecue potato chip hands before using the video game controller.' This works for us, although I can see why I wouldn't for others, but I do think everyone has their 'voice' for this stuff.)

But! I get what you're saying and I know this is a delicate time and I think if this is really scraping wounds on you maybe you should talk it through with a therapist a couple of times so the weight of whatever you are bringing to it doesn't make you unfocused when you're just trying to be a good parent and maybe you can come up with some strategies like the one above that are authentic to you and your voice--true to what you want to deliver but at the same time protective of how she interprets your reaction as well as how she feels about how she is treated in front of her friend.

I don't mean therapy in 'park there for three years' I mean therapy in the 'couple sessions' kind of therapy.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:46 PM on May 20, 2017 [7 favorites]

Behaviorally, her age is closer to a child maybe 1-2 years younger.

I totally apologize for this, and I recognize it is almost certainly off-base and the kind of annoying 'reading between the lines' that can make AskMetafilter kind of fraught, so, please take this with the grainiest, grittiest, grain of salt:

Are you sure that your assessment is correct? Because developmental expectations are very fluid and weird, and it's possible that this could be coming from your expectations about what a child that age should act like as opposed to what is really 'developmentally normal' from the standpoint of people who specialize in that sort of thing and it's possible to be ahead in some stuff and behind in others and I just wanted to note that I'm not sure a blanket assessment like that sounds warranted especially in light of the responses to the question.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:57 PM on May 20, 2017 [11 favorites]

Re OP's wondering if the child was "experimenting" -- well, yes, of course she was. I'd say that most behavior between 10-13 is about figuring out how to "be" in the world -- how to act, how to treat people, how to speak, dress, with whom to associate -- based largely on what kind of reaction one gets to the different experiments.

So she tested: what happens when I act goofy in this particular way? What kind of reaction will I get? So your job now is to explain to her that undressing, and being silly with our clothes, while entertaining guests, is not the done thing. When we have guests we can't just do whatever we want. In exchange for the pleasure of having a guest we have to consider their comfort and temporarily forego all kinds of behaviors that might be fine if we're alone but would make us a bad host, including but not limited to yelling, ignoring them, not offering to share toys, farting*, hogging the Nintendo, eating without offering them refreshment, and taking our clothes off.

*ymmv
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:10 PM on May 20, 2017 [2 favorites]

Your daughter's behaviour is normal. Your behaviour is normal given Reasons. You did the right thing by asking for other opinions. You don't need to do anything other than say (don't shout!) 'remember to close the door'. You're a good parent.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:57 AM on May 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

I don’t have a normal, healthy background with regard to sexuality, and this is a trigger situation for Reasons. I can see now I have no idea what is appropriate or normal behavior in kids this age, and I could really use some recalibration and resources for that.

I'd definitely talk to someone about this soon, because your daughter will be going through puberty soon and you should have some strategies prepared for how you're going to handle things with her as she begins to have sexual feelings.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:32 PM on May 21, 2017 [1 favorite]