What to say?
May 11, 2017 5:24 PM Subscribe
This is copy and paste from a blog I have. I'm wrestling with a therapy problem that recently popped up. Please ignore the scattered shape of the post, I was trying to get things out.
I tend to put up walls between myself and others. That’s definitely no secret. It’s how I survived the years of endless abuse. Don’t let people inside, don’t get hurt. Period.
It took me a long time to dismantle the wall between my therapist (Dr. D) and me. We’re talking about 18 months. It took a lot of hard work on both our parts to find trust.
I had been doing well trusting her. But…
A lot has happened since I last wrote. I had bariatric surgery and lost 140 pounds. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a lumpectomy. I had a couple of hospitalizations for suicidal thoughts (getting quite close to an attempt). Now I’m undergoing radiation for the cancer. I’m in the middle of psychotic symptoms, specifically voices.
I guess the wall wasn’t completely down. I was scared to tell Dr. D and Dr. W (my psychiatrist) that the voices were back and I was having severe depression symptoms. I’m working now with Dr. W to get my Haldol dosage correct. I refuse to take the new antipsychotics because of the potential for weight gain. I don’t need that.
Back to Dr. D. Last week, I was telling her about the voices and the depression. We discussed how it could be situational. I think it started that way, but evolved into something biological. I know, not the best description, but it’s all I got. Then she said something that shocked me. She said it seemed like an overreaction to the situation. The worst started shortly after I had the lumpectomy.
That shook me. My reaction wasn’t immediate. I was already feeling bad so I just sat there. I didn’t question. Over the last week, I’ve been stewing over it. Today when I saw Dr. D, the wall was up and thicker than ever. Before I gave honest answers. Today all I gave was “fine”. I could tell she didn’t believe me. She sat for a minute and asked if I just wanted to get past the question. “Pretty much” was my answer. I didn’t say much today. A lot of yeses and nos in response to questions. I don’t think I looked at her the whole time. I stared at the rug. I stared at the picture on the wall. I stared at the fish tank. My trust was shattered in one statement. I didn’t ask her about what she said. I don’t know if the reasons are important. What’s important is how it made me feel. And I didn’t tell her. I didn’t want to tell her. I was scared to tell her. I didn’t feel comfortable telling her. I don’t know if I ever will. I’m not even sure what I would say.
I didn’t want to go back. I really didn’t. But I thought that I would give it a try. That maybe somehow I would feel different when I saw her. I didn’t feel any different, though. I still don’t know if I will go back again. I have a good excuse to take off the next few weeks. The radiation makes me really tired. And going one less place on Thursday would be nice.
I’m not sure what she could do to re-earn my trust. To start the process I would have to tell her about the effect of her words. But in order to do that, I’d have to tear down my wall a little bit. I’d have to go on faith alone. It almost feels like a catch-22. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t want to start again with another therapist. She specializes in trauma, and is one of the few psychologists that take my insurance.
I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.
I tend to put up walls between myself and others. That’s definitely no secret. It’s how I survived the years of endless abuse. Don’t let people inside, don’t get hurt. Period.
It took me a long time to dismantle the wall between my therapist (Dr. D) and me. We’re talking about 18 months. It took a lot of hard work on both our parts to find trust.
I had been doing well trusting her. But…
A lot has happened since I last wrote. I had bariatric surgery and lost 140 pounds. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a lumpectomy. I had a couple of hospitalizations for suicidal thoughts (getting quite close to an attempt). Now I’m undergoing radiation for the cancer. I’m in the middle of psychotic symptoms, specifically voices.
I guess the wall wasn’t completely down. I was scared to tell Dr. D and Dr. W (my psychiatrist) that the voices were back and I was having severe depression symptoms. I’m working now with Dr. W to get my Haldol dosage correct. I refuse to take the new antipsychotics because of the potential for weight gain. I don’t need that.
Back to Dr. D. Last week, I was telling her about the voices and the depression. We discussed how it could be situational. I think it started that way, but evolved into something biological. I know, not the best description, but it’s all I got. Then she said something that shocked me. She said it seemed like an overreaction to the situation. The worst started shortly after I had the lumpectomy.
That shook me. My reaction wasn’t immediate. I was already feeling bad so I just sat there. I didn’t question. Over the last week, I’ve been stewing over it. Today when I saw Dr. D, the wall was up and thicker than ever. Before I gave honest answers. Today all I gave was “fine”. I could tell she didn’t believe me. She sat for a minute and asked if I just wanted to get past the question. “Pretty much” was my answer. I didn’t say much today. A lot of yeses and nos in response to questions. I don’t think I looked at her the whole time. I stared at the rug. I stared at the picture on the wall. I stared at the fish tank. My trust was shattered in one statement. I didn’t ask her about what she said. I don’t know if the reasons are important. What’s important is how it made me feel. And I didn’t tell her. I didn’t want to tell her. I was scared to tell her. I didn’t feel comfortable telling her. I don’t know if I ever will. I’m not even sure what I would say.
I didn’t want to go back. I really didn’t. But I thought that I would give it a try. That maybe somehow I would feel different when I saw her. I didn’t feel any different, though. I still don’t know if I will go back again. I have a good excuse to take off the next few weeks. The radiation makes me really tired. And going one less place on Thursday would be nice.
I’m not sure what she could do to re-earn my trust. To start the process I would have to tell her about the effect of her words. But in order to do that, I’d have to tear down my wall a little bit. I’d have to go on faith alone. It almost feels like a catch-22. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t want to start again with another therapist. She specializes in trauma, and is one of the few psychologists that take my insurance.
I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.
It seems like it's primarily one response from her that has been so troubling for you. Words are very powerful, and it's understandable that this would be a huge issue. At the same time, she's just a human being who does sometimes say things that may not be completely thought through. Not often, I hope, since she's a professional empathizer and talker, but over the course of many hours of intense work, it could very well happen once or twice.
What I'm saying is: it would be compassionate of you to give her the chance to explain the actual thoughts, feelings, and circumstances behind that utterance.
Of course you have to protect yourself, and you may not be able to handle that conversation, and that's fine. However, if you could, it might be a powerful experience for you.
posted by amtho at 6:02 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
What I'm saying is: it would be compassionate of you to give her the chance to explain the actual thoughts, feelings, and circumstances behind that utterance.
Of course you have to protect yourself, and you may not be able to handle that conversation, and that's fine. However, if you could, it might be a powerful experience for you.
posted by amtho at 6:02 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think if you could get out to her that the comment that you were having an "overreaction" hurt your trust and you don't know how to move forward, you might find her response matters more than you expected. For example, what if she meant it not as *you* overreacting as a person, but as a description of your psychological system's unhealthily strong response to a difficult time? I think you would agree it was an unhealthy response that you want to get rid of. Basically, if she's been a good helper for you in the past, you might find that if you take the time to get at her real meaning the specific word she chose looks smaller and not as much like an attack.
People will always be capable of making misstatements, saying the wrong thing, being momentarily thoughtless. Working through those and finding the ability to trust in and work with imperfect people may be an important step for you to try even for it's own sake. (Especially since all people are imperfect, even therapists, and even super helpful therapists who can give you terrific insight and help you a lot).
posted by Lady Li at 6:11 PM on May 11, 2017 [7 favorites]
People will always be capable of making misstatements, saying the wrong thing, being momentarily thoughtless. Working through those and finding the ability to trust in and work with imperfect people may be an important step for you to try even for it's own sake. (Especially since all people are imperfect, even therapists, and even super helpful therapists who can give you terrific insight and help you a lot).
posted by Lady Li at 6:11 PM on May 11, 2017 [7 favorites]
Are the voices making trusting others harder, like are they telling you that others are judging you or telling you not to tell your treatment providers about them? If so, if may be helpful to focus on getting that more controlled first, and then tackling the therapy issue more head-on (and I think Lady Li and dancing leaves have really good guidance on that part of it).
It might also be helpful to know that some of the brand-new antipsychotic medications (Rexulti, Vraylar) don't have the same weight-gain side effects as things like Risperdal or Zyprexa. (Like, the studies show no weight gain at all.) It may be worth talking to you psychiatrist about that, if you feel the Haldol isn't helping in the right ways.
posted by lazuli at 7:59 PM on May 11, 2017
It might also be helpful to know that some of the brand-new antipsychotic medications (Rexulti, Vraylar) don't have the same weight-gain side effects as things like Risperdal or Zyprexa. (Like, the studies show no weight gain at all.) It may be worth talking to you psychiatrist about that, if you feel the Haldol isn't helping in the right ways.
posted by lazuli at 7:59 PM on May 11, 2017
I don't have any advice, I just so much feel this. I am a person who has walked away from therapists never to return. And I am a person who has walked away from relationships because of just one word. And if there were words that would drive me away from a therapist, my goodness, they would be "You're overreacting."
My heart goes out to you. I don't know how to figure this out.
Well, I'm way older than I used to be, so I can kind of see myself giving it a try. I am clearer than I used to be about the difference between saying, as I used to, "You are a bad person you hurt me" and saying, "I heard those words and, you know, I just lost it." I can kind of imagine myself saying a little dryly to her, "That expression you used last week, 'overreacting'...boy...that was tough." If you told her that it sent you into a tailspin, at least you'd be keeping your promise to yourself to tell the truth always, to say all the scary words, no matter how hard it is to say them. Because you have to make that promise to yourself.
Oh, and then her reaction will tell you what you need to know. If she says warmly, "Oh, dang, I wondered whether that was it! Geez, I'm sorry. Let me think of better words," then you know she's worth trying to take the wall down for.
But if she acts as if you are overreacting to her saying you overreacted....then that wouldn't be a good sign.
That's all I have right now.
posted by nohattip at 8:03 PM on May 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
My heart goes out to you. I don't know how to figure this out.
Well, I'm way older than I used to be, so I can kind of see myself giving it a try. I am clearer than I used to be about the difference between saying, as I used to, "You are a bad person you hurt me" and saying, "I heard those words and, you know, I just lost it." I can kind of imagine myself saying a little dryly to her, "That expression you used last week, 'overreacting'...boy...that was tough." If you told her that it sent you into a tailspin, at least you'd be keeping your promise to yourself to tell the truth always, to say all the scary words, no matter how hard it is to say them. Because you have to make that promise to yourself.
Oh, and then her reaction will tell you what you need to know. If she says warmly, "Oh, dang, I wondered whether that was it! Geez, I'm sorry. Let me think of better words," then you know she's worth trying to take the wall down for.
But if she acts as if you are overreacting to her saying you overreacted....then that wouldn't be a good sign.
That's all I have right now.
posted by nohattip at 8:03 PM on May 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
First of all, you DID go back and need to give yourself a huge pat on the back for doing so. It's a really big deal!
I had a shrink I hated. But I went every week. He wasn't nice to me. Said shitty things. But I went every week. Couldn't figure out what he wanted to be doing that I apparently wasn't.
And then one day I guess I turned some corner and everything changed. Working with him changed my life. Completely.
So keep going back. Because you've already done so much work getting yourself there. It's possible she said the wrong thing. It's even possible you heard the wrong thing. But your gut has been telling you to go for more than a year, even when it was really hard and required a lot of work.
I totally get not being able to start the conversation about how let down you feel - making it even more difficult to reach out for the help you need.
Just print your post out or pull it up on your phone for her to read. You don't have to talk or explain or anything. Just hand her the paper.
Then see what happens and re-evaluate.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 10:07 PM on May 11, 2017
I had a shrink I hated. But I went every week. He wasn't nice to me. Said shitty things. But I went every week. Couldn't figure out what he wanted to be doing that I apparently wasn't.
And then one day I guess I turned some corner and everything changed. Working with him changed my life. Completely.
So keep going back. Because you've already done so much work getting yourself there. It's possible she said the wrong thing. It's even possible you heard the wrong thing. But your gut has been telling you to go for more than a year, even when it was really hard and required a lot of work.
I totally get not being able to start the conversation about how let down you feel - making it even more difficult to reach out for the help you need.
Just print your post out or pull it up on your phone for her to read. You don't have to talk or explain or anything. Just hand her the paper.
Then see what happens and re-evaluate.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 10:07 PM on May 11, 2017
Response by poster: I called Dr. D and left a message asking for an appointment before my usual one. I haven't heard back from her yet. I also talked to my psychiatrist who upped the Haldol. It's still fairly low at 4 mg but she wants to move slowly since I'm driving every day for radiation.
I thank all of you for your responses. They do mean a lot. They helped me focus on what I need to focus on.
posted by kathrynm at 8:43 AM on May 13, 2017
I thank all of you for your responses. They do mean a lot. They helped me focus on what I need to focus on.
posted by kathrynm at 8:43 AM on May 13, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by shalom at 5:31 PM on May 11, 2017