Should I choose my boyfriend or parents?
April 8, 2017 8:57 AM Subscribe
My dilemma is this: trust my boyfriend to improve his financial habits and move forward with him and without any “moral or financial” (parents’ words) help from them, since they will disown me if I go back to him, or turn my back on him and accept my parents’ help in moving forward in a direction they want to see, which has the upside of leading to the solid security they built for themselves and for my brother. Thank you.
I have been living with my boyfriend for two years. Over that time we have had money problems because he puts all the money he earns into growing his business. He asked me to work for him, so I did for a long time. We had a lot of fun working together, and working for him helped me get out of the long period of depression I was in when we met. The depression was a direct result of trying to live up to my parents’ expectations of what my career path was to be after college. I am an artist by nature, but creativity is not recognized as a sober and proper career path in my family. I had been living on my own after college, when with their strong encouragement I applied and was accepted into law school. They were very insistent, going so far as to buy me a small house to offset my living expenses. In law school I struggled for some months before I finally accepted that I didn’t belong and dropped out. I knew it was the right decision, but my parents’ disappointment, compounded with the fact that they had put forth so much financial help to get me to succeed, made me feel guilty to the extent I became severely depressed and doubtful of my abilities. I took the first job I could find and got stuck in it. I felt I would never get anywhere in life. It was in this state that I met my boyfriend.
By getting me to work for him, which was in a creative field, he got me to recognize that I didn’t need my parents’ help to survive or to shun my creative nature to do it. Unfortunately, over time it became clear that that was how he got by - survival. Though he earned good money from his work, we were always behind on the bills and he was always putting every last cent into his business, over needs like basic home repair or dental care and so on. Finally I told him that in order for me to feel comfortable living with him I wanted to get my own job. This he did not want. We went back and forth for months. We couldn’t communicate. I grew more and more afraid that his habits would force me to drain my savings and ruin my credit. Finally, I left and went to my parents as I had nowhere else to go. They disliked my boyfriend already for having moved in with me into the house they bought for me, even though they put it in my name. They had tried to accept him anyway since we were working together and it was in a creative field which they knew I wanted, but upon hearing of his financial habits they were furious.
My boyfriend and I have now calmed down and worked things out. He agrees that I need my own job and also to change his financial habits. We have a strong, loving bond, and we want to make it work. The problem is, my parents have made it clear that if I go back to him, they will disown me. I want to trust my boyfriend to change his financial habits and try and make it work with him, but my parents will no longer help me if I go back to him and he doesn’t. My boyfriend, searingly, states that I have never broken the line psychologically between dependent child and adult. My parents, so long as I don’t go back to him, are willing to pay for an apartment for me while we evict the boyfriend and put the house up for sale. I don’t want to evict him, I don’t want to go back to my old pattern of letting my need for their approval run my life, but I don’t want them to disown me either. I do know I would rather live with him since we worked out what made me leave in the first place. I feel guilt because they bought me my house, and a part of me feels obligated to do what they want because of that, but legally it belongs to me. What would you do?
I have been living with my boyfriend for two years. Over that time we have had money problems because he puts all the money he earns into growing his business. He asked me to work for him, so I did for a long time. We had a lot of fun working together, and working for him helped me get out of the long period of depression I was in when we met. The depression was a direct result of trying to live up to my parents’ expectations of what my career path was to be after college. I am an artist by nature, but creativity is not recognized as a sober and proper career path in my family. I had been living on my own after college, when with their strong encouragement I applied and was accepted into law school. They were very insistent, going so far as to buy me a small house to offset my living expenses. In law school I struggled for some months before I finally accepted that I didn’t belong and dropped out. I knew it was the right decision, but my parents’ disappointment, compounded with the fact that they had put forth so much financial help to get me to succeed, made me feel guilty to the extent I became severely depressed and doubtful of my abilities. I took the first job I could find and got stuck in it. I felt I would never get anywhere in life. It was in this state that I met my boyfriend.
By getting me to work for him, which was in a creative field, he got me to recognize that I didn’t need my parents’ help to survive or to shun my creative nature to do it. Unfortunately, over time it became clear that that was how he got by - survival. Though he earned good money from his work, we were always behind on the bills and he was always putting every last cent into his business, over needs like basic home repair or dental care and so on. Finally I told him that in order for me to feel comfortable living with him I wanted to get my own job. This he did not want. We went back and forth for months. We couldn’t communicate. I grew more and more afraid that his habits would force me to drain my savings and ruin my credit. Finally, I left and went to my parents as I had nowhere else to go. They disliked my boyfriend already for having moved in with me into the house they bought for me, even though they put it in my name. They had tried to accept him anyway since we were working together and it was in a creative field which they knew I wanted, but upon hearing of his financial habits they were furious.
My boyfriend and I have now calmed down and worked things out. He agrees that I need my own job and also to change his financial habits. We have a strong, loving bond, and we want to make it work. The problem is, my parents have made it clear that if I go back to him, they will disown me. I want to trust my boyfriend to change his financial habits and try and make it work with him, but my parents will no longer help me if I go back to him and he doesn’t. My boyfriend, searingly, states that I have never broken the line psychologically between dependent child and adult. My parents, so long as I don’t go back to him, are willing to pay for an apartment for me while we evict the boyfriend and put the house up for sale. I don’t want to evict him, I don’t want to go back to my old pattern of letting my need for their approval run my life, but I don’t want them to disown me either. I do know I would rather live with him since we worked out what made me leave in the first place. I feel guilt because they bought me my house, and a part of me feels obligated to do what they want because of that, but legally it belongs to me. What would you do?
Your boyfriend cares how YOU feel about all this and has at least expressed some level of interest in changing his ways. Your parents haven't and never will. They don't care what you want or what makes you happy. They only want to control you.
In your shoes I would go back to the boyfriend. I would also be careful to keep my finances separate from his in case he isn't able to make good on his promises.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:08 AM on April 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
In your shoes I would go back to the boyfriend. I would also be careful to keep my finances separate from his in case he isn't able to make good on his promises.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:08 AM on April 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
It's perfectly acceptable to choose "Neither" in this case.
However, in your shoes, I would ditch my parents and try to make things work with Boyfriend. Your parents are trying to control you with money. Their behavior is abusive. Your boyfriend is flawed, just like we all are - it's up to you to decide if his financial habits are a dealbreaker for you.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:09 AM on April 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
However, in your shoes, I would ditch my parents and try to make things work with Boyfriend. Your parents are trying to control you with money. Their behavior is abusive. Your boyfriend is flawed, just like we all are - it's up to you to decide if his financial habits are a dealbreaker for you.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:09 AM on April 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
(I say this, in part because my hunch is that the boyfriend is not wonderful. Among other things, if I am reading your post correctly, he happily stayed in YOUR house rent-free while you were broken up, and now would refuse to leave unless you instituted legal eviction proceedings. WTF.)
posted by sheldman at 9:11 AM on April 8, 2017 [87 favorites]
posted by sheldman at 9:11 AM on April 8, 2017 [87 favorites]
I would actually choose the third option - yourself. I was once in a similar position to you and I chose the boyfriend. I knew I couldn't choose my parents because I would slowly cease to exist. What I didn't know at the time was that it wasn't a binary choice - I could choose myself. Find a job in a creative field. Live with roommates. Continue seeing the boyfriend if you choose. Continue setting boundaries with your parents. I'm now nearing 40 and I wish more than anything I could go back 20 years and choose myself, so my advice is biased. But you don't actually have to follow the path your parents or boyfriend want for you.
posted by A hidden well at 9:14 AM on April 8, 2017 [144 favorites]
posted by A hidden well at 9:14 AM on April 8, 2017 [144 favorites]
Much like a parent should not give in to temper tantrums lest the toddler learn that temper tantrums are the way to get things that he wants, you should not give in to your parents lest they learn that threats are the way to get what they want. I think it might be worth it to take your boyfriend back just to teach them this lesson.
posted by mr_roboto at 9:15 AM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by mr_roboto at 9:15 AM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Were you working for your boyfriend's business for free? If so, and if he's getting free room and board off of you and your parents, he is not putting money he earns into his business, he's putting your money into his business.
posted by XMLicious at 9:15 AM on April 8, 2017 [115 favorites]
posted by XMLicious at 9:15 AM on April 8, 2017 [115 favorites]
If parents disown you, say "ok," then regularly show up at their house once a week for dinner, making it clear you're not there for the money and just want to spend time with them.
Then lead the life that's best for you. Boyfriend sounds decent, but make it clear that you are willing to cut the cord with him if he makes money problems for you/y'all.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:17 AM on April 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
Then lead the life that's best for you. Boyfriend sounds decent, but make it clear that you are willing to cut the cord with him if he makes money problems for you/y'all.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:17 AM on April 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm kind of feeling like "neither" might be the right answer.
Your parents have expressed some pretty controlling attitudes and behavior. You're a grown person - you need to do you.
The boyfriend may or may not be key to your future. It's great that you have a loving bond, but he definitely sounds like he took advantage of you.
I would try really hard, if I were you, to be an independent adult (without boyfriend OR parents up in your business) as the next step.
posted by pantarei70 at 9:17 AM on April 8, 2017 [12 favorites]
Your parents have expressed some pretty controlling attitudes and behavior. You're a grown person - you need to do you.
The boyfriend may or may not be key to your future. It's great that you have a loving bond, but he definitely sounds like he took advantage of you.
I would try really hard, if I were you, to be an independent adult (without boyfriend OR parents up in your business) as the next step.
posted by pantarei70 at 9:17 AM on April 8, 2017 [12 favorites]
Finally I told him that in order for me to feel comfortable living with him I wanted to get my own job. This he did not want.
Your boyfriend is an awful person. You likely need to spend some time making it on your own away from your parents, without their financial help, but you DEFINITELY need to forge your own path outside of your boyfriend's life and business.
posted by deanc at 9:17 AM on April 8, 2017 [34 favorites]
Your boyfriend is an awful person. You likely need to spend some time making it on your own away from your parents, without their financial help, but you DEFINITELY need to forge your own path outside of your boyfriend's life and business.
posted by deanc at 9:17 AM on April 8, 2017 [34 favorites]
My boyfriend, searingly, states that I have never broken the line psychologically between dependent child and adult.
It doesn't sound like you have.
I want to trust my boyfriend to change his financial habits and try and make it work with him, but my parents will no longer help me if I go back to him and he doesn’t.
Forget your boyfriend, the choice isn't between your boyfriend and your parents: it's between being independent and being dependent. You need to get out from under your parents, first and foremost. Make yourself happy, support yourself. Maybe try to work things out with the boyfriend, if you think that will make you happy. But be prepared for that to not work out, now, or later. Regardless, you need to strike out on your own.
posted by so fucking future at 9:18 AM on April 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
It doesn't sound like you have.
I want to trust my boyfriend to change his financial habits and try and make it work with him, but my parents will no longer help me if I go back to him and he doesn’t.
Forget your boyfriend, the choice isn't between your boyfriend and your parents: it's between being independent and being dependent. You need to get out from under your parents, first and foremost. Make yourself happy, support yourself. Maybe try to work things out with the boyfriend, if you think that will make you happy. But be prepared for that to not work out, now, or later. Regardless, you need to strike out on your own.
posted by so fucking future at 9:18 AM on April 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
Choose neither. Your parents are classic financial manipulators who are focused on controlling you. Your boyfriend is demanding that you do what he wants and subjugate yourself to his business.
It's common for people who have grown up in controlling, abusive families to have partners with controlling, abusive tendencies - because that type of behavior is familiar. You would benefit from therapy to learn how to get out of this pattern.
posted by medusa at 9:19 AM on April 8, 2017 [61 favorites]
It's common for people who have grown up in controlling, abusive families to have partners with controlling, abusive tendencies - because that type of behavior is familiar. You would benefit from therapy to learn how to get out of this pattern.
posted by medusa at 9:19 AM on April 8, 2017 [61 favorites]
You shouldn't choose your boyfriend OR your parents. You should choose yourself. Your boyfriend did a lot of things that were helpful for you: he helped you step out from under your parents' shadow and live life on your own terms. He helped you get out of your depression by putting you to work doing something you enjoy.
However, it kiiiiind of sounds like he's taking advantage of you, at the same time. For example, while you were living with him, he didn't want you to get your own job; he wanted you to continue to work with him.
As for your parents, they're overly controlling. I've seen many instances where parents have an idea of how their childrens' lives will play out. It never goes well. Your parents don't get to choose what profession you follow in life, and you CAN make a living as an artist, if you go about it the right way, and you're honest with yourself about the nature of the relationship between art & commerce (but that's a whole different post.)
Tell your parents that it's not good for you to just do whatever they say. You have to make your own life.
Tell your boyfriend the same thing.
Then take some time for yourself, go get yourself a job that YOU like, and live life standing on your own two feet.
posted by cleverevans at 9:19 AM on April 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
However, it kiiiiind of sounds like he's taking advantage of you, at the same time. For example, while you were living with him, he didn't want you to get your own job; he wanted you to continue to work with him.
As for your parents, they're overly controlling. I've seen many instances where parents have an idea of how their childrens' lives will play out. It never goes well. Your parents don't get to choose what profession you follow in life, and you CAN make a living as an artist, if you go about it the right way, and you're honest with yourself about the nature of the relationship between art & commerce (but that's a whole different post.)
Tell your parents that it's not good for you to just do whatever they say. You have to make your own life.
Tell your boyfriend the same thing.
Then take some time for yourself, go get yourself a job that YOU like, and live life standing on your own two feet.
posted by cleverevans at 9:19 AM on April 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
I'm another vote for "neither". Everyone in this situation sounds like bad news.
posted by potrzebie at 9:20 AM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by potrzebie at 9:20 AM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Radical third option: choose yourself.
Your relationship with your parents seems to be bringing both you and them quite a bit of distress. It's ok to step back from that and set some boundaries.
Similarly, your relationship with your boyfriend seems pretty dependent. Why does you do need his permission to get a job?
Without knowing anything about anyone in this situation, and at the risk of playing armchair psychoanalyst, it sounds like you've transferred your dependent relationship with your parents into your relationship with your boyfriend, and that doesn't seem healthy.
posted by basalganglia at 9:21 AM on April 8, 2017 [12 favorites]
Your relationship with your parents seems to be bringing both you and them quite a bit of distress. It's ok to step back from that and set some boundaries.
Similarly, your relationship with your boyfriend seems pretty dependent. Why does you do need his permission to get a job?
Without knowing anything about anyone in this situation, and at the risk of playing armchair psychoanalyst, it sounds like you've transferred your dependent relationship with your parents into your relationship with your boyfriend, and that doesn't seem healthy.
posted by basalganglia at 9:21 AM on April 8, 2017 [12 favorites]
You should not accept your parents' strings and also get the boyfriend out of your house while he proves he has changed financially and also is way less controlling. Get your own job, get roommates, date boyfriend while he doesn't live with you or find someone new or be on your own as an adult doing something you like for a while.
posted by jeather at 9:22 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by jeather at 9:22 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Another vote for choosing yourself.
Without knowing anything about anyone in this situation, and at the risk of playing armchair psychoanalyst, it sounds like you've transferred your dependent relationship with your parents into your relationship with your boyfriend, and that doesn't seem healthy.
Yep. Maybe look for a good therapist who can help you work on setting boundaries and figuring out what *you* want.
posted by bunderful at 9:23 AM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Without knowing anything about anyone in this situation, and at the risk of playing armchair psychoanalyst, it sounds like you've transferred your dependent relationship with your parents into your relationship with your boyfriend, and that doesn't seem healthy.
Yep. Maybe look for a good therapist who can help you work on setting boundaries and figuring out what *you* want.
posted by bunderful at 9:23 AM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm also inclined to drop both. Your parents are clearly controlling assholes, that one is easy.
From this story it appears your boyfriend is taking advantage of you in a HUGE way. He is getting free room and board and free labor and is controlling you as well by telling you you can't get a job and is being totally selfish by putting all money into HIS buisiness (is your name on that? will you legally see any profits from that if it were to take off?). He also needs to be legally evicted from YOUR house that you left and he stayed in while you guys were having issues? To me it sounds like he took advantage of someone who had depression and manipulated that person into thinking he was "saving" them.
Neither of these people seem to have your best interest at heart.
Give the boyfriend a second chance if you really want to but keep that on a short leash. (1) I'd ask for a formal arrangement where you have equity in this business you keep funneling money into (directly or indirectly). (2) He needs to make MAJOR financial overhauls immediately. (3) you need to write up a lease wherein he pays something towards shared financial expenses for the house. (4) You need to kick himto the curb immediately if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain.
You are clearly capable of taking care of yourself actually (especially if thathouse is really yours and your parents have no legal stake in it). Get your independent job, start living on your own for a little while and ignore both your parents and your boyfriend when they try to tell you that you can't do this.
posted by magnetsphere at 9:26 AM on April 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
From this story it appears your boyfriend is taking advantage of you in a HUGE way. He is getting free room and board and free labor and is controlling you as well by telling you you can't get a job and is being totally selfish by putting all money into HIS buisiness (is your name on that? will you legally see any profits from that if it were to take off?). He also needs to be legally evicted from YOUR house that you left and he stayed in while you guys were having issues? To me it sounds like he took advantage of someone who had depression and manipulated that person into thinking he was "saving" them.
Neither of these people seem to have your best interest at heart.
Give the boyfriend a second chance if you really want to but keep that on a short leash. (1) I'd ask for a formal arrangement where you have equity in this business you keep funneling money into (directly or indirectly). (2) He needs to make MAJOR financial overhauls immediately. (3) you need to write up a lease wherein he pays something towards shared financial expenses for the house. (4) You need to kick himto the curb immediately if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain.
You are clearly capable of taking care of yourself actually (especially if thathouse is really yours and your parents have no legal stake in it). Get your independent job, start living on your own for a little while and ignore both your parents and your boyfriend when they try to tell you that you can't do this.
posted by magnetsphere at 9:26 AM on April 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
Neither. You'll give your parents veto control over your life if you allow them to sell your house and move you into an apartment instead. Please don't do it. Likewise with your boyfriend: he's put you into a dependent financial/emotional situation, and is fighting to keep you there. Both are abuse.
The house is in your name, and you can decide what to do with it. As it's an important financial asset, I'd keep it. Take a break with your boyfriend and ask him for space - if you end up having to evict him, he was a bad egg and I'd break it off for good. Find a job, find a social group (through a shared hobby, exercise, art/design classes at a local CC) and live your own life for a while. It sounds like it'd do you good.
I know this isn't easy. You may want to consider talking to a therapist and addressing some of the issue that have led you here. Little steps toward independence can go a long way.
posted by givennamesurname at 9:27 AM on April 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
The house is in your name, and you can decide what to do with it. As it's an important financial asset, I'd keep it. Take a break with your boyfriend and ask him for space - if you end up having to evict him, he was a bad egg and I'd break it off for good. Find a job, find a social group (through a shared hobby, exercise, art/design classes at a local CC) and live your own life for a while. It sounds like it'd do you good.
I know this isn't easy. You may want to consider talking to a therapist and addressing some of the issue that have led you here. Little steps toward independence can go a long way.
posted by givennamesurname at 9:27 AM on April 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
It sounds like you've never lived without your parents' assistance. Have you looked at jobs and budgets that would allow you to do so? Your parents sound controlling, but still preferable to homelessness.
posted by metasarah at 9:28 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 9:28 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
If by "disown" you mean "cut off financial support", that doesn't sound particularly unreasonable given what you describe; you are lucky to have parents willing and able to continue supporting you as an adult. If you mean "stop talking to you," well, then that sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship, and you should separate how you think about repairing the relationship with your parents from your dating life, as the two don't have that much to do with one another.
posted by deadweightloss at 9:32 AM on April 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by deadweightloss at 9:32 AM on April 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
To make an addendum to what I said above—I agree with everyone else that you should go your own way, but if instead you do end up maintaining any kind of contact with the boyfriend you should be getting ownership interest in a business you've worked for, for free, and when you're offsetting his living expenses to free up money he uses as capital.
Some of that "good money" the business earns needs to belong to you in a way that he can't yank away whenever he feels like it.
posted by XMLicious at 9:34 AM on April 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
Some of that "good money" the business earns needs to belong to you in a way that he can't yank away whenever he feels like it.
posted by XMLicious at 9:34 AM on April 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
Neither seems like the right answer to me, as well. Spend some time taking care of yourself, putting your own needs first and figuring out what you want from your own life.
Your parents and boyfriend are all controlling. Your boyfriend, at the very best, has learned to say what you want, but you haven't indicated he's actually taking real, long-term steps toward putting changes into practice. You haven't actually worked out anything; at most, you have taken the very first step of working things out with him.
This sounds like a painful and scary place to be in but you will be okay. Keep the house, ask your boyfrIend to leave and evict him if you have to, start looking for a day job that will let you devote your leisure time to your creative pursuits, and see how life feels from there.
posted by Stacey at 9:34 AM on April 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
Your parents and boyfriend are all controlling. Your boyfriend, at the very best, has learned to say what you want, but you haven't indicated he's actually taking real, long-term steps toward putting changes into practice. You haven't actually worked out anything; at most, you have taken the very first step of working things out with him.
This sounds like a painful and scary place to be in but you will be okay. Keep the house, ask your boyfrIend to leave and evict him if you have to, start looking for a day job that will let you devote your leisure time to your creative pursuits, and see how life feels from there.
posted by Stacey at 9:34 AM on April 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
Still another vote for 'neither' here. Yes you sound dependent on your parents, but also yes your boyfriend sounds controlling. Kick him out and live in your house BY YOURSELF, get a job YOU enjoy, and stop taking any more handouts from the parents.
posted by easily confused at 9:41 AM on April 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by easily confused at 9:41 AM on April 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: They are BOTH controlling you!
Boyfriend is using you and your parents. Your parents are controlling, but at least they seem to care about you, even if it is in the wrong way...
PAY YOUR OWN LIVING EXPENSES, LIVE ON YOUR OWN.
Sorry to shout. I just, wow. You are getting used and pushed around by all of them. You have graduated college, so do what most people do - get a job and live within your means. Let your parents sell the house. Get an apartment, or rent a room somewhere. You can do this!
Your boyfriend is a user and a liar and it is no wonder your parents are furious with him. You totally skip over how he mooched off of you while living in the house your parents pay for. You should be disgusted by him. The only reason other commenters are not telling you the same thing is because you glossed over this very pertinent detail in your explanation of events. C'mon. You know the answer here is to tell them all "Thanks, But No Thanks" and start taking care of yourself.
Make up with your parents, but stop taking their money. Is your boyfriend abusive along with being manipulative, controlling, and financially abusive? I recommend you let your parents evict him and keep your whereabouts off social media after breaking up with this guy. You were a fantastic meal ticket, and I doubt he will go away easily. He will sweet talk you snd make all sorts of promises. Be prepared, don't be afraid to ask for help or tell others what he is doing to you. He's bad news. Protect yourself, this just doesn't necessarily mean you must go back under your parent's thimb. Know what I mean? Choose yourself over everything else. Be Team You.
posted by jbenben at 9:49 AM on April 8, 2017 [26 favorites]
Boyfriend is using you and your parents. Your parents are controlling, but at least they seem to care about you, even if it is in the wrong way...
PAY YOUR OWN LIVING EXPENSES, LIVE ON YOUR OWN.
Sorry to shout. I just, wow. You are getting used and pushed around by all of them. You have graduated college, so do what most people do - get a job and live within your means. Let your parents sell the house. Get an apartment, or rent a room somewhere. You can do this!
Your boyfriend is a user and a liar and it is no wonder your parents are furious with him. You totally skip over how he mooched off of you while living in the house your parents pay for. You should be disgusted by him. The only reason other commenters are not telling you the same thing is because you glossed over this very pertinent detail in your explanation of events. C'mon. You know the answer here is to tell them all "Thanks, But No Thanks" and start taking care of yourself.
Make up with your parents, but stop taking their money. Is your boyfriend abusive along with being manipulative, controlling, and financially abusive? I recommend you let your parents evict him and keep your whereabouts off social media after breaking up with this guy. You were a fantastic meal ticket, and I doubt he will go away easily. He will sweet talk you snd make all sorts of promises. Be prepared, don't be afraid to ask for help or tell others what he is doing to you. He's bad news. Protect yourself, this just doesn't necessarily mean you must go back under your parent's thimb. Know what I mean? Choose yourself over everything else. Be Team You.
posted by jbenben at 9:49 AM on April 8, 2017 [26 favorites]
Well, something interesting to try; Take over your boyfriend's business. Have him put everything in your name, and you control the finances. He doesn't pay any bills, etc.. You control the budget.
I mean, if you want to stay with him, that is. But if you're considering dumping him just because of your parents, do you really see a life with him anyway?
But - I think I'd try being the one in control of everything. Take over the finances, and remove that as what seems to be the focal point of both your parents' and your boyfriend's issues.
posted by rich at 9:52 AM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I mean, if you want to stay with him, that is. But if you're considering dumping him just because of your parents, do you really see a life with him anyway?
But - I think I'd try being the one in control of everything. Take over the finances, and remove that as what seems to be the focal point of both your parents' and your boyfriend's issues.
posted by rich at 9:52 AM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh, dear.
Your parents are right to be furious, and frankly after permitting this mooch to live off their daughter (are they paying the mortgage on the place he's been living in rent free??) and pressure her not to work except for him for years while being patient and kind with him and you, I am not surprised they are at the end of their rope and trying a different tack.
Get him out of the house. That will go a long way to prove that he's not the very bad news that he sounds like. Then get a job. Do your best to live within your own means. Date him if you want, but don't let him live in that place and don't pay for stuff for him.
While you could probably go to court and get some sort of ownership stake in his business, and you of course do deserve it, I think it would be best for you to separate from it now and make it a clean break. But definitely do not continue being involved with it without an ownership stake.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:56 AM on April 8, 2017 [26 favorites]
Your parents are right to be furious, and frankly after permitting this mooch to live off their daughter (are they paying the mortgage on the place he's been living in rent free??) and pressure her not to work except for him for years while being patient and kind with him and you, I am not surprised they are at the end of their rope and trying a different tack.
Get him out of the house. That will go a long way to prove that he's not the very bad news that he sounds like. Then get a job. Do your best to live within your own means. Date him if you want, but don't let him live in that place and don't pay for stuff for him.
While you could probably go to court and get some sort of ownership stake in his business, and you of course do deserve it, I think it would be best for you to separate from it now and make it a clean break. But definitely do not continue being involved with it without an ownership stake.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:56 AM on April 8, 2017 [26 favorites]
Ugh. Add me to the list of people who want you to declare independence from them both. And yes, I understand your parents' perspective -- it makes sense that they'd be okay with subsidizing you but not with subsidizing someone else's business. Your getting a job won't make his finances sustainable. Promises to change are well... we'll see. But it's his controlling reaction (over the course of months) that most bothers me. So, I want to advise you to move on from him. And then you should work quickly to get financial independence from your parents. But you still love him, so I don't know...
I do think you should try to keep enough support from them to make sure that you can declare independence from him. Think about why you ended up at their house in the first place. Much as I don't like them using finances to control you, at least with them I feel more sure that their goal is in your best interest (e.g., they liked you being with him because you could pursue your creativity, so they want you to get what you want out of life), whereas with him, I can't tell -- he was controlling you while putting you at financial risk, not caring about your growing panic, resisting your own desire to protect yourself. Maybe you could try something with them like offering complete transparency, asking for one last chance, explaining that you are completely committed to holding him accountable to his promises. Maybe get him to move out, you guys stay "together" but you and he keep your finances separate, and then if he's still changed over a year or something, then you guys could revisit the idea of living together. I can't quite figure out the short-term piece. But it's clear that your own long-term independence is what's most important so keep your eye on that goal.
posted by salvia at 10:23 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
I do think you should try to keep enough support from them to make sure that you can declare independence from him. Think about why you ended up at their house in the first place. Much as I don't like them using finances to control you, at least with them I feel more sure that their goal is in your best interest (e.g., they liked you being with him because you could pursue your creativity, so they want you to get what you want out of life), whereas with him, I can't tell -- he was controlling you while putting you at financial risk, not caring about your growing panic, resisting your own desire to protect yourself. Maybe you could try something with them like offering complete transparency, asking for one last chance, explaining that you are completely committed to holding him accountable to his promises. Maybe get him to move out, you guys stay "together" but you and he keep your finances separate, and then if he's still changed over a year or something, then you guys could revisit the idea of living together. I can't quite figure out the short-term piece. But it's clear that your own long-term independence is what's most important so keep your eye on that goal.
posted by salvia at 10:23 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Your parents have been extremely patient, and they've ended up helping to support your boyfriend. Controlling asshole parents do not put a house in their child's name. And if they are underwriting your life, it's not unreasonable for them to want to feel like their money isn't going to waste. If you don't want them to have a say in what you do, stop accepting financial help. Dump your using, manipulative boyfriend. Try to work things out with your parents. See if they will agree to family counseling. That would probably be beneficial for all of you. Unless your parents are crazy rich, it's not good for their financial future to support an adult, and it's not good for you either. You all probably need help to untangle this pattern.
posted by FencingGal at 10:34 AM on April 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 10:34 AM on April 8, 2017 [8 favorites]
I think it's a lot harder to be financially stable these days and I would choose financial stability over a boyfriend any day of the week. You can always set boundaries with your parents and with therapy do some great work on yourself but home ownership is something a lot of people dream about and regardless of how you got there, seriously don't give it up. Financial stability in the form of having a roof over your head IS what will give you the chance to do creative things down the road whereas a lot of other people have to give up those dreams just to be able to make rent.
posted by catspajammies at 10:38 AM on April 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 10:38 AM on April 8, 2017 [9 favorites]
Any time anyone ever makes a threat, the best thing to do is to call them on it: "do your worst". Nine times out of ten, they were bluffing anyway. So to your parents - let them do what they will. If they're really prepared to cut you off, then screw them.
Striking out entirely on your own, free of parents & boyfriend, might well be the best long-term option. But probably a bit scary right now. So I'm saying stick with the bf as a kind of transitional arrangement. He's said he'll change various things - if he's prepared to do so for the sake of your relationship, then that's worth something. If not - well, that also tells its own story. And maybe the experience of finding out whether he's as good as his word could get you nearer to the position where "neither" is the attainable as well as the correct choice.
posted by rd45 at 10:39 AM on April 8, 2017
Striking out entirely on your own, free of parents & boyfriend, might well be the best long-term option. But probably a bit scary right now. So I'm saying stick with the bf as a kind of transitional arrangement. He's said he'll change various things - if he's prepared to do so for the sake of your relationship, then that's worth something. If not - well, that also tells its own story. And maybe the experience of finding out whether he's as good as his word could get you nearer to the position where "neither" is the attainable as well as the correct choice.
posted by rd45 at 10:39 AM on April 8, 2017
Definitely neither. From the description it sounds like your boyfriend is squatting in YOUR house and refusing to leave until you initiate eviction proceedings?! Aside from any other financial issues he might have, that is a huge red flag that he's taking advantage of you rather than acting as a true partner with your best interests at heart.
And then, I would stay in contact with your parents and try to build an adult relationship with them that isn't focused on financial assistance. You might need to accept their help in the short term to get the boyfriend out of your house, but as soon as possible find your own job and your own way financially. Once you're supporting yourself they won't have the leverage to veto your romantic relationships (which is crazy, even if this guy is bad news) and you guys can interact on a more equal basis.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:41 AM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
And then, I would stay in contact with your parents and try to build an adult relationship with them that isn't focused on financial assistance. You might need to accept their help in the short term to get the boyfriend out of your house, but as soon as possible find your own job and your own way financially. Once you're supporting yourself they won't have the leverage to veto your romantic relationships (which is crazy, even if this guy is bad news) and you guys can interact on a more equal basis.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:41 AM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
To add: work to be independent of your parents but you don't have to make a big show by giving up your house. And also, a lot of this stuff is so normal- careers and hopes and programs not going right. Loving someone who isn't pulling their weight. It's called being young. In my experience though people that live on the edge financially don't usually change- they're fine with that type of risk.
posted by catspajammies at 10:42 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by catspajammies at 10:42 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm also curious about your use of the word "disown" here. Are your parents literally saying "We will write you out of our will and never speak to you again" (which is a terrible thing to say to a child over their romantic choices? Or are they just saying "You're an adult, we're going to stop paying your bills." Which...is actually totally reasonable. It sounds like you are out of college and your parents have already given you a TON of financial help, it is perfectly reasonable for them to stop doing this and expect you to make it on your own at some point.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:43 AM on April 8, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:43 AM on April 8, 2017 [16 favorites]
I think you will be healthier in the long run if you spend some time being independent. It's hard to tell what your parents are actually saying here--are they threatening you with actual disownment or just saying they don't want to financially support you and your boyfriend any more?
Your boyfriend has been using you and doesn't have your best interests in mind. You were anxious and wanted to get a job and he wouldn't "let" you. That right there is a huge red flag.
It'll be hard, I won't lie, but it will be worth it to you to learn to be independent and make decisions for your own well being, not feeling like you have to answer to your parents or boyfriend. And I strongly recommend that you don't get together with another boyfriend for a while either until you learn (with the help of a therapist maybe) to recognize the difference between someone who will be a partner and someone who is using or controlling you.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:52 AM on April 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
Your boyfriend has been using you and doesn't have your best interests in mind. You were anxious and wanted to get a job and he wouldn't "let" you. That right there is a huge red flag.
It'll be hard, I won't lie, but it will be worth it to you to learn to be independent and make decisions for your own well being, not feeling like you have to answer to your parents or boyfriend. And I strongly recommend that you don't get together with another boyfriend for a while either until you learn (with the help of a therapist maybe) to recognize the difference between someone who will be a partner and someone who is using or controlling you.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:52 AM on April 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
It is totally possible that working for your boyfriend's business helped you out of your depression by allowing you to express your creativity. You can absolutely feel grateful for that and love for him because of it. He was also wrong to block you from your choice of job after, wrong to control the finances such that you couldn't afford basic living expenses, and wrong to continue to live in the house you own after breaking up such that you will need to legally evict him.
Choose yourself with a side of family. Evict your boyfriend. Keep your house. Get the job you want. Thank your parents for the financial gifts they have given you thus far and don't ask for more. Give yourself space to figure out how you want to live your life and how that can be sustainable. Give your parents space to see you succeed.
Best of luck. I had a messy separation from my parents over a similar disagreement about how I should live my life. We reconciled fairly quickly once they realized I was serious and we both agreed we'd prefer to be in each other's lives and worked intentionally toward that goal. I have since then accepted financial support from them because it no longer has strings attached. And they feel free to give it because I have shown them that I can and will make it on my own so they trust me. I hope you can find similarly happy ground, whatever that means for you and your family. But put yourself first. You deserve it.
And seriously get, rid of the boyfriend.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 11:09 AM on April 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
Choose yourself with a side of family. Evict your boyfriend. Keep your house. Get the job you want. Thank your parents for the financial gifts they have given you thus far and don't ask for more. Give yourself space to figure out how you want to live your life and how that can be sustainable. Give your parents space to see you succeed.
Best of luck. I had a messy separation from my parents over a similar disagreement about how I should live my life. We reconciled fairly quickly once they realized I was serious and we both agreed we'd prefer to be in each other's lives and worked intentionally toward that goal. I have since then accepted financial support from them because it no longer has strings attached. And they feel free to give it because I have shown them that I can and will make it on my own so they trust me. I hope you can find similarly happy ground, whatever that means for you and your family. But put yourself first. You deserve it.
And seriously get, rid of the boyfriend.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 11:09 AM on April 8, 2017 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Hi there. I'm you, 20 years in the future. I dropped out of college to move across the country and marry a guy I met online. My parents disowned me. Literally. Wrote me out of their wills, never called me, the whole shebang. If I called them, it would be very short conversations. My grandparents bought me a house, with an income property, over my parents' objections. My husband took all the money I made from my three jobs and put it into his business - which made no money ever. We went without gas and electricity for months on end, because of his financial "management" of things.
He eventually became physically abusive. It was such a relief when he went to jail - for violating his probation he'd been on before we met - that I was finally able to call my parents and ask for help getting a divorce. I had a lawyer the next day.
Then the psychological abuse started. He started a letter writing campaign from prison. Wrote incessantly to me, my best friend (whom he accused of brainwashing me, since I wasn't mentally competent to make the decision to divorce him), my parents, my grandparents, my underage siblings, and the judge.
When he got out of prison, he violated the restraining order I'd filed to stop his letters, then moved across the country. The divorce went through uncontested. I haven't heard from him since.
Look, your parents sound an awful lot like mine. At the time, I'd have told you they were controlling, domineering, all the stuff everybody above has said about your parents. In hindsight, they were just so fucking scared for me that they didn't know what else to do. They saw, with age and wisdom, what I couldn't see through inexperience, youth, and undiagnosed mental illness. And now that I'm a parent, I can better understand that fear, and the fierce love behind it.
You should absolutely choose yourself. Choose independence, choose adulting, choose choosing. But maybe choose your parents a little too. They love you more than you could ever possibly know... until you become a parent yourself.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 11:29 AM on April 8, 2017 [53 favorites]
He eventually became physically abusive. It was such a relief when he went to jail - for violating his probation he'd been on before we met - that I was finally able to call my parents and ask for help getting a divorce. I had a lawyer the next day.
Then the psychological abuse started. He started a letter writing campaign from prison. Wrote incessantly to me, my best friend (whom he accused of brainwashing me, since I wasn't mentally competent to make the decision to divorce him), my parents, my grandparents, my underage siblings, and the judge.
When he got out of prison, he violated the restraining order I'd filed to stop his letters, then moved across the country. The divorce went through uncontested. I haven't heard from him since.
Look, your parents sound an awful lot like mine. At the time, I'd have told you they were controlling, domineering, all the stuff everybody above has said about your parents. In hindsight, they were just so fucking scared for me that they didn't know what else to do. They saw, with age and wisdom, what I couldn't see through inexperience, youth, and undiagnosed mental illness. And now that I'm a parent, I can better understand that fear, and the fierce love behind it.
You should absolutely choose yourself. Choose independence, choose adulting, choose choosing. But maybe choose your parents a little too. They love you more than you could ever possibly know... until you become a parent yourself.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 11:29 AM on April 8, 2017 [53 favorites]
Wait. WAIT. So your boyfriend moves in with you. Convinces you to work for him. Then he puts every cent of money he makes into the business. Over house repairs. Your house.
So he's living in your house, you're not making any money because you're "working" for him (you don't state it outright, but it doesn't appear that he was paying you any money), the house you own is falling apart and he refuses to let you get a job outside the home? After a few months of fighting over not being able to earn money you have to go stay with your parents while he continues to live rent free.
I'm putting a label on it, from all accounts your boyfriend is abusive. He's financially abusing you. You were free slave labor and he fought against you having financial independence. Emotional abuse as well, I can't imagine a situation where someones partner is refusing to let them work outside the house and earn their own money that doesn't involve emotional abuse.
Keep in mind that every person above who has said you should choose the boyfriend skimmed your question and clearly missed some serious red flags.
By putting all the money back into the business, do you mean he was buying supplies and equipment? I'm guessing when you break up he's going to argue that all belongs to him, even though you helped pay for it with your labor.
posted by Dynex at 11:31 AM on April 8, 2017 [45 favorites]
So he's living in your house, you're not making any money because you're "working" for him (you don't state it outright, but it doesn't appear that he was paying you any money), the house you own is falling apart and he refuses to let you get a job outside the home? After a few months of fighting over not being able to earn money you have to go stay with your parents while he continues to live rent free.
I'm putting a label on it, from all accounts your boyfriend is abusive. He's financially abusing you. You were free slave labor and he fought against you having financial independence. Emotional abuse as well, I can't imagine a situation where someones partner is refusing to let them work outside the house and earn their own money that doesn't involve emotional abuse.
Keep in mind that every person above who has said you should choose the boyfriend skimmed your question and clearly missed some serious red flags.
By putting all the money back into the business, do you mean he was buying supplies and equipment? I'm guessing when you break up he's going to argue that all belongs to him, even though you helped pay for it with your labor.
posted by Dynex at 11:31 AM on April 8, 2017 [45 favorites]
By the way, this:
My boyfriend, searingly, states that I have never broken the line psychologically between dependent child and adult.
IS SUPER EXTREMELY RICH coming from someone who hashimself been suckling at YOUR parents' free-housing teat, for what sounds like years. (!)
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:38 AM on April 8, 2017 [43 favorites]
My boyfriend, searingly, states that I have never broken the line psychologically between dependent child and adult.
IS SUPER EXTREMELY RICH coming from someone who has
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:38 AM on April 8, 2017 [43 favorites]
I am flabbergasted that anyone in this thread has said, "Go with the boyfriend, he seems like a decent bet." He is not a decent bet. You may feel like he rescued you in the past; that's fine, but he is not helping you anymore. He is controlling you (saying you can't work), manipulating you, and apparently leeching off you and using you for his financial gain. No more of this.
Declare financial independence from parents and boyfriend. Get a day job and do your creative endeavors on the side for now, until they blossom into something financially viable.
Please stop letting other people determine your life. Take control of your own life. It belongs to you.
posted by honey wheat at 11:45 AM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Declare financial independence from parents and boyfriend. Get a day job and do your creative endeavors on the side for now, until they blossom into something financially viable.
Please stop letting other people determine your life. Take control of your own life. It belongs to you.
posted by honey wheat at 11:45 AM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
You. Choose you. You're the only one you need. If you WANT a relationship with any of these people, then have a relationship with them, but you don't NEED them, and you need to do whatever you have to do to get to where you are standing on your own two feet or you are not going to be capable of having healthy family or romantic relationships. Put yourself first and do whatever is necessary to get to the point where these people don't have this kind of power over you.
posted by Sequence at 11:50 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 11:50 AM on April 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
You've had to fight to work outside his control for months? That's ridiculous. You're a grown woman. Supporting yourself should be something a partner encourages, not fights tooth and nail. You can't stay in the house your parents bought for you because of him. If he was concerned you needed to separate from your parents, why would he have been living under their roof (essentially) with you for years?
If he hasn't been paying you, this sounds like it could be a violation of labor laws. Something you can leverage against him and his ridiculous squatting.
posted by Trifling at 12:04 PM on April 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
If he hasn't been paying you, this sounds like it could be a violation of labor laws. Something you can leverage against him and his ridiculous squatting.
posted by Trifling at 12:04 PM on April 8, 2017 [5 favorites]
Your boyfriend's " financial habits" are exploitative financial abuse of YOU. His behavior is controlling and totally unethical. His wanting to take your earned money and forego spending on needed house maitanence and dental care is totally unacceptable. He's a user and he's trying to isolate you from your parents by forcing the disowning. Don't do it. If he hasn't, of his own accord, already moved out of your house and reestablished himself on his own, he is not going to change. His promises to stop his financial abuse of you are empty and you should not believe him. Prioritize yourself and forge a more adult relationship with your family. Tell this boyfriend goodbye. He's not looking out for you. He's looking out for himself at great expense to your security and wellbeing. This is not what a loving partnership looks like.
posted by quince at 12:22 PM on April 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
posted by quince at 12:22 PM on April 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
I'm just trying to make sense of this. So, your parents bought you a house. Your BF has lived in it for TWO years, rent-free, he lives there NOW, and you moved out. Right? So this guy has lived for free in a house your parents bought for you and now he's got this place to himself?
Your parents are willing to pay your rent and deal with the hassle of evicting this person so you can move forward in your life without having to deal with Mr. I'll Let my GF Leave a House SHE OWNS?
Your parents are being extraordinarily patient and I think they're trying to be helpful and supportive. I can understand why they don't want you to move back into your house with this freeloading dude there. Truly, I think they're going by his history -- he's a freeloader who has managed to not only not pay rent, but has neglected to pay for any home upkeep AND he had you work for free. FOR TWO YEARS. Do you see why your parents have no reason to think this will change?
Unless there's considerable backstory here of your parents being terrible people in ways you haven't mentioned, I cannot imagine why you'd cut them off.
However, you need to become independent, friend. Thank your parents for their help -- keep the house if you want (I mean, free house?? Why would anyone turn that down unless there were considerably hideous ties attached to it?) and work on creating an adult relationship with them. Evict the dude. Get a job, make some new friends. Start dating other people. Or don't.
This guy is just not good news. Living rent free, not paying you, saying you shouldn't get a job, etc. These are not things nice people do. Lose him.
My boyfriend, searingly, states that I have never broken the line psychologically between dependent child and adult. Baahaahaa coming from a dude who refuses to pay you and has the gall to not only live rent-free in YOUR home but then graciously lets YOU leave the place you own??
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:36 PM on April 8, 2017 [21 favorites]
Your parents are willing to pay your rent and deal with the hassle of evicting this person so you can move forward in your life without having to deal with Mr. I'll Let my GF Leave a House SHE OWNS?
Your parents are being extraordinarily patient and I think they're trying to be helpful and supportive. I can understand why they don't want you to move back into your house with this freeloading dude there. Truly, I think they're going by his history -- he's a freeloader who has managed to not only not pay rent, but has neglected to pay for any home upkeep AND he had you work for free. FOR TWO YEARS. Do you see why your parents have no reason to think this will change?
Unless there's considerable backstory here of your parents being terrible people in ways you haven't mentioned, I cannot imagine why you'd cut them off.
However, you need to become independent, friend. Thank your parents for their help -- keep the house if you want (I mean, free house?? Why would anyone turn that down unless there were considerably hideous ties attached to it?) and work on creating an adult relationship with them. Evict the dude. Get a job, make some new friends. Start dating other people. Or don't.
This guy is just not good news. Living rent free, not paying you, saying you shouldn't get a job, etc. These are not things nice people do. Lose him.
My boyfriend, searingly, states that I have never broken the line psychologically between dependent child and adult. Baahaahaa coming from a dude who refuses to pay you and has the gall to not only live rent-free in YOUR home but then graciously lets YOU leave the place you own??
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:36 PM on April 8, 2017 [21 favorites]
Stop taking money from your parents. Stop giving money to your boyfriend. Tell them all that you are going to live independently for a year. Trust your parents to give good financial advice and take it, but set a boundary on the personal stuff. Trust your boyfriend that he's not using you and your house by telling him to move out and give you the independence and space that you need for a year. A year of dating. A year of not mixing money. A year of getting your life set up to be happy and secure and independent. If both factions really do love you, they will be thrilled to do this for you.
You just plant your feet and say "I need you to do this for me. Parents, I need you to give me a chance to work this out on my own. Boyfriend, I need you to give me a chance to work this out on my own."
But I'm sorry to say that I'm betting your boyfriend will find all kinds of excuses as to why he needs you to NOT be independent, and why he can't be financially secure on his own. Please keep your eyes open about this. If he loves you he will step back and give you a chance to grow up.
posted by raisingsand at 12:55 PM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
You just plant your feet and say "I need you to do this for me. Parents, I need you to give me a chance to work this out on my own. Boyfriend, I need you to give me a chance to work this out on my own."
But I'm sorry to say that I'm betting your boyfriend will find all kinds of excuses as to why he needs you to NOT be independent, and why he can't be financially secure on his own. Please keep your eyes open about this. If he loves you he will step back and give you a chance to grow up.
posted by raisingsand at 12:55 PM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Well, chronologically, it's always the partner of one's choice that one ends up living with. Parents (in my recent experience) do die, whether one likes it or not.
That fact makes it seem like your basic premise in your question, that you have to choose, isn't what you really have to worry about. Instead it's about whether the boyfriend in question, to you alone, is made of true end-up-living-with-material or not.
The financial choices he has made in the past do not sound very sensible to me. More sensible would be to prioritize keeping afloat on a daily level while also building up a (at least moderate) financial safety cushion, and putting whatever is left into one's business; and one should not dictate the terms of one's partner's professional and financial independence either.
So here are two pretty reddish flags right there, two fundamental misunderstandings of how financial planning and partnership should work - flaws in his choices that no mutual "working out" are likely to solve in the long run.
If you wish to live together with him, you'll need a steady income for yourself, and rock-hard boundaries. This is a heavy burden on a partnership, and you may well ask yourself whether it's doable for a lengthy period of time, or desirable investing emotional energy into.
Now your parents. It's all very well that they invest money into whatever they think you should be doing with your life, and have views about that boyfriend, too. Still, it can't hurt to create some distance, because - again - you will be ending up living your own life, better get used to it soon.
In short, I agree with those who think that you should leave the boyfriend behind as a lesson learned, but also, keep your parents at more of a distance than previously.
posted by Namlit at 1:07 PM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
That fact makes it seem like your basic premise in your question, that you have to choose, isn't what you really have to worry about. Instead it's about whether the boyfriend in question, to you alone, is made of true end-up-living-with-material or not.
The financial choices he has made in the past do not sound very sensible to me. More sensible would be to prioritize keeping afloat on a daily level while also building up a (at least moderate) financial safety cushion, and putting whatever is left into one's business; and one should not dictate the terms of one's partner's professional and financial independence either.
So here are two pretty reddish flags right there, two fundamental misunderstandings of how financial planning and partnership should work - flaws in his choices that no mutual "working out" are likely to solve in the long run.
If you wish to live together with him, you'll need a steady income for yourself, and rock-hard boundaries. This is a heavy burden on a partnership, and you may well ask yourself whether it's doable for a lengthy period of time, or desirable investing emotional energy into.
Now your parents. It's all very well that they invest money into whatever they think you should be doing with your life, and have views about that boyfriend, too. Still, it can't hurt to create some distance, because - again - you will be ending up living your own life, better get used to it soon.
In short, I agree with those who think that you should leave the boyfriend behind as a lesson learned, but also, keep your parents at more of a distance than previously.
posted by Namlit at 1:07 PM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
My boyfriend, searingly, states that I have never broken the line psychologically between dependent child and adult.
I propose this may be true AND that to go straight from your parents to your boyfriend may be continuing the trend. It doesn't sound like he's encouraging your adult independence. Why, for example, was it such a big deal for you to get a job?
I read that your boyfriend shows support of your creative side and (in theory, at least) your independence, and that you've had long and ugh-y conflict; I hear him saying he'll improve but I don't see a lot of evidence yet. I hear that your parents have strict rules around how their support of you can happen. I also read that they were willing to support your creative side, your ambitions; they were okay with things before they knew about the money. Their main concern is with finances. And I heard you, yourself, show concern and responsibility when it comes to money. You also have a strong sense of yourself and what a good path is for you.
So, given all this, there are more options that just the two that you listed.
There is no reason you have to keep being so entangled with your boyfriend while he sorts out his finances. You could separate for a while, or keep dating and have him move out, until he gets things in order. You don't have to put your own wellbeing at risk while he does that; your instincs are right on about not wanting your credit rating ruined, etc. But nor do you have to kick him out of your life if you believe there's potential for improvement. I'd just create enough distance that a lack of improvement cannot hurt my material, mental, and emotional health. I wouldn't be on a future improvement. I'd require things to already be better, in a sustained and sustainable way, financially, before remerging.
You should be able to live in your own house. If he won't leave without being evicted, then that right there is grounds for the relationship to end and your parents might be a useful resource in getting him out of your life.
You can do what you like with your house. Your parents put it in your name. If you want to maintain a closer relationship with them, there might be some things you'd choose to do (asking their opinion, inviting them over) but you don't HAVE to do any of it. No obligations there. You could cut them off and you'd still get to keep the house. Think of it this way: They are adults who made a decision knowing that the outcome could be uncertain. They took that risk. Honor their right to be adults who make decisions.
Your parents might be a resource for you, if you can articulate your plans and feel confident about them. Therapy might help with processing that side of things -- getting some goals and pursuing them. For example, if you can lay out your next couple years of moving toward a creative career, maybe they'd pay for you to start out that period with a month or two of retreat somewhere away from both them and your boyfriend.
Look for other communities, other friends, workgroups, studios, internships, where you can find support for your creative soul. Your boyfriend isn't the only one who can provide this inspiration. Thank him / the universe for the role he played in your development, and consider that you may have a new space to develop into now, and he's not part of that (in the same way, or at all). Let the spaces open in your life for your next teachers, partners, guides, compatriots, co-creatives, artists who are making a living wage, muses, friends. Find some role models.
Perhaps you've outgrown both your parents and the boyfriend. The adult you may be a mix of financial responsibility and amazing creativity and flexibility, something totally and completely you; give yourself the space and time to find out and get strong in your identity, and recognize and be grateful that this will mean you relate differently to the people in your life.
There is time and space for you to figure these things out.
posted by ramenopres at 1:17 PM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
I propose this may be true AND that to go straight from your parents to your boyfriend may be continuing the trend. It doesn't sound like he's encouraging your adult independence. Why, for example, was it such a big deal for you to get a job?
I read that your boyfriend shows support of your creative side and (in theory, at least) your independence, and that you've had long and ugh-y conflict; I hear him saying he'll improve but I don't see a lot of evidence yet. I hear that your parents have strict rules around how their support of you can happen. I also read that they were willing to support your creative side, your ambitions; they were okay with things before they knew about the money. Their main concern is with finances. And I heard you, yourself, show concern and responsibility when it comes to money. You also have a strong sense of yourself and what a good path is for you.
So, given all this, there are more options that just the two that you listed.
There is no reason you have to keep being so entangled with your boyfriend while he sorts out his finances. You could separate for a while, or keep dating and have him move out, until he gets things in order. You don't have to put your own wellbeing at risk while he does that; your instincs are right on about not wanting your credit rating ruined, etc. But nor do you have to kick him out of your life if you believe there's potential for improvement. I'd just create enough distance that a lack of improvement cannot hurt my material, mental, and emotional health. I wouldn't be on a future improvement. I'd require things to already be better, in a sustained and sustainable way, financially, before remerging.
You should be able to live in your own house. If he won't leave without being evicted, then that right there is grounds for the relationship to end and your parents might be a useful resource in getting him out of your life.
You can do what you like with your house. Your parents put it in your name. If you want to maintain a closer relationship with them, there might be some things you'd choose to do (asking their opinion, inviting them over) but you don't HAVE to do any of it. No obligations there. You could cut them off and you'd still get to keep the house. Think of it this way: They are adults who made a decision knowing that the outcome could be uncertain. They took that risk. Honor their right to be adults who make decisions.
Your parents might be a resource for you, if you can articulate your plans and feel confident about them. Therapy might help with processing that side of things -- getting some goals and pursuing them. For example, if you can lay out your next couple years of moving toward a creative career, maybe they'd pay for you to start out that period with a month or two of retreat somewhere away from both them and your boyfriend.
Look for other communities, other friends, workgroups, studios, internships, where you can find support for your creative soul. Your boyfriend isn't the only one who can provide this inspiration. Thank him / the universe for the role he played in your development, and consider that you may have a new space to develop into now, and he's not part of that (in the same way, or at all). Let the spaces open in your life for your next teachers, partners, guides, compatriots, co-creatives, artists who are making a living wage, muses, friends. Find some role models.
Perhaps you've outgrown both your parents and the boyfriend. The adult you may be a mix of financial responsibility and amazing creativity and flexibility, something totally and completely you; give yourself the space and time to find out and get strong in your identity, and recognize and be grateful that this will mean you relate differently to the people in your life.
There is time and space for you to figure these things out.
posted by ramenopres at 1:17 PM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Fuck this guy. I'm serious. This shouldn't be a "do I choose my parents or my boyfriend", it should be "how do I get this fucker out of my house?" You haven't "worked the shit out", he's just decided to be nice so he can keep living in your house rent-free.
posted by corb at 2:59 PM on April 8, 2017 [30 favorites]
posted by corb at 2:59 PM on April 8, 2017 [30 favorites]
Set yourself up so that you're not spending your early adulthood ping-ponging between Boyfriend (this one or any other one) and Parents.
Set yourself up so that you're not dependent upon another person for: housing, income, or employment.
If you do this, YOU get to chooose what type of relationships you have, what jobs you have, and where you live. If you do this, it doesn't matter who approves of what job or who doesn't approve of which boyfriend.
Other people's opinions are fickle and self-serving, and you don't have to live by them.
It's not easy but the rewards are tremendous and it sounds like you can handle it.
posted by kapers at 3:02 PM on April 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Set yourself up so that you're not dependent upon another person for: housing, income, or employment.
If you do this, YOU get to chooose what type of relationships you have, what jobs you have, and where you live. If you do this, it doesn't matter who approves of what job or who doesn't approve of which boyfriend.
Other people's opinions are fickle and self-serving, and you don't have to live by them.
It's not easy but the rewards are tremendous and it sounds like you can handle it.
posted by kapers at 3:02 PM on April 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
I like others note that your bf encourages independence from your parents when it promotes dependece upon him-- and vice versa.
posted by kapers at 3:04 PM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by kapers at 3:04 PM on April 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm totally appalled that he won't "let" you get a job. That's like controlling and abuse 101. Partners should be supportive (within reason) especially when it comes to financial security and independence. YOU are paying for this dude's "business" and something that's taking up THAT much money and doesn't have any sort of investor should NOT be this guy's main "job." That's a hobby. Not to mention the inability to manage whatever money he has access to.
And I agree, if I were your parents I would be pissed too. That doesn't mean they aren't controlling or that they're perfect or that you have to choose them, it's just that this guy has been taking advantage of you and they know it.
Find yourself. Do things on your own. I am literally worried for you because this guy is sucking you dry and somehow you're mad at your parents about it.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:08 PM on April 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
And I agree, if I were your parents I would be pissed too. That doesn't mean they aren't controlling or that they're perfect or that you have to choose them, it's just that this guy has been taking advantage of you and they know it.
Find yourself. Do things on your own. I am literally worried for you because this guy is sucking you dry and somehow you're mad at your parents about it.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:08 PM on April 8, 2017 [20 favorites]
The irony here it that it sounds like your controlling parents are the ones who inadvertently raised you to accept a controlling partner into your life, and now they can't understand why. Please, please, listen to those folks above who are saying to choose yourself. I spent way too long under the thumb of a controlling parent and I wish happiness and good mental health for you starting now.
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:10 PM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:10 PM on April 8, 2017 [11 favorites]
Where is the therapist in this scenario? No matter what, you really need a therapist. You need someone who can help you sort through this situation whose interest is very clearly focused on helping you, and you alone, thrive in a life that is best for you and that you feel ownership of.
I absolutely agree with those who are saying this guy is classic bad news, in an incredibly obvious way to those of us not in love with him, and also that your parents are doing too much/the wrong kind of meddling in your existence. Right now, job one would be to distance yourself from the boyfriend, recoup whatever losses you can, get him out of your house, and be secure (I'd be looking at selling the house in your shows). Next job once that's cleared up would be to set new boundaries with the parents and yes, move out on your own, get a job you find interesting enough, and start living life for yourself (and avoid dating for a while. AT some point before, during, or at worst after these steps are taken, get yourself to a competent therapist to help build up your own sense of identity and ability to assert yourself. Everyone's been running roughshod over you. You can learn how to stop, but you're going to need help from someone who's not whispering toxic messages in your ear from one side or the other.
posted by Miko at 7:14 PM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I absolutely agree with those who are saying this guy is classic bad news, in an incredibly obvious way to those of us not in love with him, and also that your parents are doing too much/the wrong kind of meddling in your existence. Right now, job one would be to distance yourself from the boyfriend, recoup whatever losses you can, get him out of your house, and be secure (I'd be looking at selling the house in your shows). Next job once that's cleared up would be to set new boundaries with the parents and yes, move out on your own, get a job you find interesting enough, and start living life for yourself (and avoid dating for a while. AT some point before, during, or at worst after these steps are taken, get yourself to a competent therapist to help build up your own sense of identity and ability to assert yourself. Everyone's been running roughshod over you. You can learn how to stop, but you're going to need help from someone who's not whispering toxic messages in your ear from one side or the other.
posted by Miko at 7:14 PM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
"Finally I told him that in order for me to feel comfortable living with him I wanted to get my own job. This he did not want."
Be very wary of what this man does when he finally realizes that the free labor for his failing business (failing because he can't afford to pay his employee) and free housing and free get-out-of-financial-jail card (oh you didn't pay the utilities this month? dammit, i guess i'll pay them!, etc.) no longer wants to serve those purposes. It will not be pretty and it will not be kind.
Really want to see what he's like? Stop working for him until he pays you up front for your time. Stop letting him live in your house unless he pays you rent. Watch at the avalanche of excuses and reasons not to do those things that he comes up, probably arguing that if he pays you rent or pays you for your labor, then you're giving in to your parents (WTF).
We want you to choose yourself, because you are being taken advantage of by family and by your boyfriend, and it does not need to be that way. Other people shouldn't control your major life choices, such as where you work and live or how you express your creative needs. You're smart enough, old enough, and resourceful enough to decide those things for yourself, regardless of what others think would be best for you.
posted by zdravo at 7:24 PM on April 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
Be very wary of what this man does when he finally realizes that the free labor for his failing business (failing because he can't afford to pay his employee) and free housing and free get-out-of-financial-jail card (oh you didn't pay the utilities this month? dammit, i guess i'll pay them!, etc.) no longer wants to serve those purposes. It will not be pretty and it will not be kind.
Really want to see what he's like? Stop working for him until he pays you up front for your time. Stop letting him live in your house unless he pays you rent. Watch at the avalanche of excuses and reasons not to do those things that he comes up, probably arguing that if he pays you rent or pays you for your labor, then you're giving in to your parents (WTF).
We want you to choose yourself, because you are being taken advantage of by family and by your boyfriend, and it does not need to be that way. Other people shouldn't control your major life choices, such as where you work and live or how you express your creative needs. You're smart enough, old enough, and resourceful enough to decide those things for yourself, regardless of what others think would be best for you.
posted by zdravo at 7:24 PM on April 8, 2017 [18 favorites]
Month One: Start eviction proceedings on the boyfriend, giving him written notice to leave by the end of the month. Have it sent by a lawyer so he knows this is serious. Communicate with him solely through a lawyer. Follow-through with legal eviction, if necessary. Do not meet him at the house alone, including "by accident."
Get a job. Move into an apartment. Take a summer break from any communication with the boyfriend.
Have lunch with parents. Thank them for their support. Pay the check.
Month Two: Make plans to sell home (too many encumbrances with parents and boyfriend). Agree with parents about how to split the proceedings. Insist that they get part of the profits from the sale. The sale will drag on for several months, so be patient.
Reconnect with friends, hobbies, things that are life-affirming. Get outside. Make some summer plans.
Month Three: Enjoy adulting! Make mistakes, get frustrated, but keep moving forward. It's experience, not age, that makes life worthwhile.
Look back at the beginning of the year. How have you changed? What is your perspective on things, now that you have taken charge and gotten some distance from the problems, both self-created and created (or worsened) by others? "No" is an acceptable response to pressure from outsiders; you can always change your mind and say "yes."
Good luck!
posted by TrishaU at 10:35 PM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Get a job. Move into an apartment. Take a summer break from any communication with the boyfriend.
Have lunch with parents. Thank them for their support. Pay the check.
Month Two: Make plans to sell home (too many encumbrances with parents and boyfriend). Agree with parents about how to split the proceedings. Insist that they get part of the profits from the sale. The sale will drag on for several months, so be patient.
Reconnect with friends, hobbies, things that are life-affirming. Get outside. Make some summer plans.
Month Three: Enjoy adulting! Make mistakes, get frustrated, but keep moving forward. It's experience, not age, that makes life worthwhile.
Look back at the beginning of the year. How have you changed? What is your perspective on things, now that you have taken charge and gotten some distance from the problems, both self-created and created (or worsened) by others? "No" is an acceptable response to pressure from outsiders; you can always change your mind and say "yes."
Good luck!
posted by TrishaU at 10:35 PM on April 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: 1. Your boyfriend sounds awful. He sounds like an all-too-common spouse in a wealthy family, with a vanity business. At some point, you may be entrusted with managing the family's money to some extent, and your parents are likely assessing you for whether you have that capacity.
2. If you don't have the wherewithal to support yourself, you don't have much of a choice here, it seems.
posted by jpe at 5:25 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
2. If you don't have the wherewithal to support yourself, you don't have much of a choice here, it seems.
posted by jpe at 5:25 AM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
If all your boyfriend's "profit" is going back into his "business" then it isn't profit, it's operating expenses, and his business is shitty and he is a shitter for taking advantage of your goodwill for free labour (which reduces his operating expenses) and, presumably, a base of operations (reducing those expenses even further).
So he's not running a business, he's got a hobby, which is nice and all, and we should all do the things we love etc. etc., but without you he would be running in the red. As it is, he's managing to subsist, and you are running in the red, because as you say, home maintenance is not being taken care of and bills are not being paid.
This means you are in debt while he is breaking even, and the whole reason he is breaking even is because of your debt. That's real Peter-Paul stuff and a bad scenario and won't improve unless you improve it - by kicking him out, I'm sad to say.
posted by turbid dahlia at 10:42 PM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
So he's not running a business, he's got a hobby, which is nice and all, and we should all do the things we love etc. etc., but without you he would be running in the red. As it is, he's managing to subsist, and you are running in the red, because as you say, home maintenance is not being taken care of and bills are not being paid.
This means you are in debt while he is breaking even, and the whole reason he is breaking even is because of your debt. That's real Peter-Paul stuff and a bad scenario and won't improve unless you improve it - by kicking him out, I'm sad to say.
posted by turbid dahlia at 10:42 PM on April 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
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posted by sheldman at 9:06 AM on April 8, 2017 [109 favorites]