How do I deal with the emotion of wanting to get back with my Ex?
March 30, 2017 5:00 PM Subscribe
Thanks for helping me think this through and act with both heart and mind!
To quote Taylor Swift, I don't know if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life
We were together for a total of 1 year. We broke up once last may and got back together in July. Then we broke up again in January.
He's doing a master's degree in a technical artistic profession that he is very passionate about.
Due to being occupied with work practically 24/7, he didn't have as much time to spend with me as we both wanted. This (along with other factors such as January in Canada) made me feel depressed and ignored and so I was constantly bugging him about it. (I'm an anxious attacher and so is he). He's going to be finished his degree in approximately one month, but doesn't know exactly what life has in store after that. (He's not irresponsible, he's just consumed with the workload at the moment- he's very well respected in his field and I'm not worried about him)
The anxious attachment style really resonates with me in describing how we were together. I think we became a bit codependent emotionally...since breaking up I've felt so so good about myself and more accepting of my flaws and foibles.
But despite this, we had a beautiful, loving, intimate and wonderful emotional connection that I don't think I've ever had with anyone else. We both witnessed each other grow while we were together and our love only seemed to get deeper and deeper. the feeling I have for him is that I don't want any other human in the universe.
One night something horrible happened, I went to a bar with a weird friend who turned out to be really bad for me and got way too drunk (I started a new medication and made the mistake of drinking without knowing the effects) and ended up making out with a creepy person at the bar. I told my boyfriend the very next day (MISTAKE) and he was of course very hurt. In a cruel twist of fate this was probably about 1 or 2 weeks after we both told each other we loved each other for the first time.
After that, we managed to make up, but I told him we had to break up because we kept hurting each other. One thing I've been proud of in all my relationships is that I've never been too afraid to break up with someone when I felt it was leading to more pain for both of us. I've always, always resisted the fairy tale narratives of love with every fibre of my being. But the downside of acting rationally is that it feels wrong all the way through my body and heart.
another aspect is that when I met this guy, he told me he didn't want a serious relationship. So I was naturally skeptical of him right from the beginning. But as time went on, I realized that he said that because he didn't have time, not because he was a player looking for casual sex. In fact, he is probably one of the most loyal people I have ever met in my life!! I love him so much. He also doesn't want kids... and I might (even though for many years as a child I thought I did, lately I've been leaning towards not because I don't make much money and I'm afraid my kids will suffer because of climate change and Trumpism and I also have a belief that World War III is coming soon-- my fears are getting to me these days)
The reason I'm thinking about this now is that I started trying online dating, and I met a guy who seems kind of interesting. But I find myself unable to even consider sleeping with anyone else. Everyone I meet gets compared to the ex in my mind and is found wanting. I feel that no one has ever understood and cared for me the way he does. But is getting back together worth the risk that we might hurt each other again? I'm not sure if our love is so strong because of being kindred spirits, or if it's because we have the same insecurities and we understand each other deeply because of that. If it's the latter, it's bad because the insecurities cause us to hurt each other. I have a sneaking suspicion that we hurt each other BECAUSE the love is so deep. How fucked up is that?
Is there any way out of this situation?
Would people normally decide they'll work on this together (and separately with therapists) and that it's worth the risk? Or is this obviously a red flag situation?
I don't believe in the fairy tale narrative of love, but the feels that I have feel real. Usually these types of emotions lead to tragic consequences. But what's my other option? Does anyone really actually act rationally in love? How do I get to be stable like that? wtf?
To quote Taylor Swift, I don't know if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life
We were together for a total of 1 year. We broke up once last may and got back together in July. Then we broke up again in January.
He's doing a master's degree in a technical artistic profession that he is very passionate about.
Due to being occupied with work practically 24/7, he didn't have as much time to spend with me as we both wanted. This (along with other factors such as January in Canada) made me feel depressed and ignored and so I was constantly bugging him about it. (I'm an anxious attacher and so is he). He's going to be finished his degree in approximately one month, but doesn't know exactly what life has in store after that. (He's not irresponsible, he's just consumed with the workload at the moment- he's very well respected in his field and I'm not worried about him)
The anxious attachment style really resonates with me in describing how we were together. I think we became a bit codependent emotionally...since breaking up I've felt so so good about myself and more accepting of my flaws and foibles.
But despite this, we had a beautiful, loving, intimate and wonderful emotional connection that I don't think I've ever had with anyone else. We both witnessed each other grow while we were together and our love only seemed to get deeper and deeper. the feeling I have for him is that I don't want any other human in the universe.
One night something horrible happened, I went to a bar with a weird friend who turned out to be really bad for me and got way too drunk (I started a new medication and made the mistake of drinking without knowing the effects) and ended up making out with a creepy person at the bar. I told my boyfriend the very next day (MISTAKE) and he was of course very hurt. In a cruel twist of fate this was probably about 1 or 2 weeks after we both told each other we loved each other for the first time.
After that, we managed to make up, but I told him we had to break up because we kept hurting each other. One thing I've been proud of in all my relationships is that I've never been too afraid to break up with someone when I felt it was leading to more pain for both of us. I've always, always resisted the fairy tale narratives of love with every fibre of my being. But the downside of acting rationally is that it feels wrong all the way through my body and heart.
another aspect is that when I met this guy, he told me he didn't want a serious relationship. So I was naturally skeptical of him right from the beginning. But as time went on, I realized that he said that because he didn't have time, not because he was a player looking for casual sex. In fact, he is probably one of the most loyal people I have ever met in my life!! I love him so much. He also doesn't want kids... and I might (even though for many years as a child I thought I did, lately I've been leaning towards not because I don't make much money and I'm afraid my kids will suffer because of climate change and Trumpism and I also have a belief that World War III is coming soon-- my fears are getting to me these days)
The reason I'm thinking about this now is that I started trying online dating, and I met a guy who seems kind of interesting. But I find myself unable to even consider sleeping with anyone else. Everyone I meet gets compared to the ex in my mind and is found wanting. I feel that no one has ever understood and cared for me the way he does. But is getting back together worth the risk that we might hurt each other again? I'm not sure if our love is so strong because of being kindred spirits, or if it's because we have the same insecurities and we understand each other deeply because of that. If it's the latter, it's bad because the insecurities cause us to hurt each other. I have a sneaking suspicion that we hurt each other BECAUSE the love is so deep. How fucked up is that?
Is there any way out of this situation?
Would people normally decide they'll work on this together (and separately with therapists) and that it's worth the risk? Or is this obviously a red flag situation?
I don't believe in the fairy tale narrative of love, but the feels that I have feel real. Usually these types of emotions lead to tragic consequences. But what's my other option? Does anyone really actually act rationally in love? How do I get to be stable like that? wtf?
If you have broken up twice in one year, I think it's safe to say this isn't the love of your life, or best case: you, or both of you, aren't ready for a life long relationship yet.
A hard but necessary lesson for me, and many others, to learn is that love and liking and respect aren't enough for a successful long term relationship.
Compatibility and a personality and styles that boost each other are critical, too.
In this respect, two anxious people that exacerbate each other's anxieties and are codependent are not a great fit, long term. Not to mention your longer term priorities don't seem exactly aligned.
Don't worry about dating, just be yourself for a while.
PS making out with another person was not cause of alcohol, or medication. People in couples regularly get shit faced without making out, be careful not to rewrite that narrative to one that better suits your mind state now. Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 6:55 PM on March 30, 2017 [12 favorites]
A hard but necessary lesson for me, and many others, to learn is that love and liking and respect aren't enough for a successful long term relationship.
Compatibility and a personality and styles that boost each other are critical, too.
In this respect, two anxious people that exacerbate each other's anxieties and are codependent are not a great fit, long term. Not to mention your longer term priorities don't seem exactly aligned.
Don't worry about dating, just be yourself for a while.
PS making out with another person was not cause of alcohol, or medication. People in couples regularly get shit faced without making out, be careful not to rewrite that narrative to one that better suits your mind state now. Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 6:55 PM on March 30, 2017 [12 favorites]
Make a plan: be single for two years and get your anxiety under control.
Strong recommendation to at least do a stint of CBT therapy so you can learn how to interrogate and improve your own narratives. You are telling yourself some pretty damaging things.
There is no more important investment of time and money than in yourself to be healthy so you can have strong happy relationships in the future. Two years single won't kill you.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:59 PM on March 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
Strong recommendation to at least do a stint of CBT therapy so you can learn how to interrogate and improve your own narratives. You are telling yourself some pretty damaging things.
There is no more important investment of time and money than in yourself to be healthy so you can have strong happy relationships in the future. Two years single won't kill you.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:59 PM on March 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yu want to develop the ability to describe and own your feelings and desires, and make decisions on that basis, not on the basis of abstract thinking like this:
I told him we had to break up because we kept hurting each other
What does that mean? I mean, you cheated on him, so-- it's more specific than just "hurtful things kept occurring." (I am not hearing you describe this making out as non-consensual, but if it is, then a lot of my answer doesn't apply).
He was working 24/7, leading you to feel depressed and ignored. I think you should've broken up with him because "you work 24/7, and I am feeling depressed and ignored. I want more closeness than that."
Here's what I'm maybe seeing, a possible explanation:
- you have a negative feeling (annoyed he works all the time)
- second guessing squashes the feeling ("I'm just an anxious attacher")
- you act out (making out with someone else, breaking up impulsively as you describe in your previous question)
- some authority figure part of your head steps in ("you must break up. You two are hurting each other.") This authority figure is deaf to your feelings: "the downside of acting rationally is that it feels wrong all the way through my body and heart."
- you're left feeling like the positive feelings were true and squashed (which they were) without reckoning with the negative feelings
A different process: feel annoyed and feel the positive stuff, try to work it out, weigh the annoyance against the positive feelings, and eventually decide that you need something he can't give. Be sad about the loss of the positive stuff, but be very clear about the necessity of this loss.
An alternative possible explanation? Might you sabotage closeness? (E.g., making out with someone else two weeks after you guys said I love you. Was there a precipitating event like that before the spontaneous July breakup?)
Either way, for now? Stay broken up:
- "since breaking up I've felt so so good about myself and more accepting of my flaws and foibles."
- "he's... consumed with the workload at the moment" -- I.e., a core problem will still be there
- when you aren't consumed with your fears, you have a vision for your life (having kids) that is different than his
posted by salvia at 10:50 PM on March 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
I told him we had to break up because we kept hurting each other
What does that mean? I mean, you cheated on him, so-- it's more specific than just "hurtful things kept occurring." (I am not hearing you describe this making out as non-consensual, but if it is, then a lot of my answer doesn't apply).
He was working 24/7, leading you to feel depressed and ignored. I think you should've broken up with him because "you work 24/7, and I am feeling depressed and ignored. I want more closeness than that."
Here's what I'm maybe seeing, a possible explanation:
- you have a negative feeling (annoyed he works all the time)
- second guessing squashes the feeling ("I'm just an anxious attacher")
- you act out (making out with someone else, breaking up impulsively as you describe in your previous question)
- some authority figure part of your head steps in ("you must break up. You two are hurting each other.") This authority figure is deaf to your feelings: "the downside of acting rationally is that it feels wrong all the way through my body and heart."
- you're left feeling like the positive feelings were true and squashed (which they were) without reckoning with the negative feelings
A different process: feel annoyed and feel the positive stuff, try to work it out, weigh the annoyance against the positive feelings, and eventually decide that you need something he can't give. Be sad about the loss of the positive stuff, but be very clear about the necessity of this loss.
An alternative possible explanation? Might you sabotage closeness? (E.g., making out with someone else two weeks after you guys said I love you. Was there a precipitating event like that before the spontaneous July breakup?)
Either way, for now? Stay broken up:
- "since breaking up I've felt so so good about myself and more accepting of my flaws and foibles."
- "he's... consumed with the workload at the moment" -- I.e., a core problem will still be there
- when you aren't consumed with your fears, you have a vision for your life (having kids) that is different than his
posted by salvia at 10:50 PM on March 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
I've been in these relationships and yeah, the feels do feel real. And sure, they are, but examine this a sec:
we had a beautiful, loving, intimate and wonderful emotional connection that I don't think I've ever had with anyone else
That can be true, and it can still also be true that you will go on to have more connections like this - ie. not the same (because no two people are the same) but quite possibly better.
I say this as someone who spent way more time than you with someone who also did not really give me the love/attention/desire that I needed, but still thought I was happy enough for it to be cool. We broke up, I met someone else a while later, and what do you know, you can in fact have that wonderful companionship you miss from your ex AND feel loved and cherished and desired. It's not the same, but it is better.
I agree with Lyn Never, you need to really commit yourself to being single for a while. Really commit yourself to it, no browsing dating sites or whatever. Nourish yourself, figure yourself out a bit.
posted by greenish at 3:10 AM on March 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
we had a beautiful, loving, intimate and wonderful emotional connection that I don't think I've ever had with anyone else
That can be true, and it can still also be true that you will go on to have more connections like this - ie. not the same (because no two people are the same) but quite possibly better.
I say this as someone who spent way more time than you with someone who also did not really give me the love/attention/desire that I needed, but still thought I was happy enough for it to be cool. We broke up, I met someone else a while later, and what do you know, you can in fact have that wonderful companionship you miss from your ex AND feel loved and cherished and desired. It's not the same, but it is better.
I agree with Lyn Never, you need to really commit yourself to being single for a while. Really commit yourself to it, no browsing dating sites or whatever. Nourish yourself, figure yourself out a bit.
posted by greenish at 3:10 AM on March 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you're feeling very vulnerable and sad and disoriented right now. Most of us have emotional armor that we've built up over time to protect us -- beliefs and techniques for coping with and distancing ourselves from pain. Right now, your armor has some big cracks in it. That can feel terribly uncomfortable and sad and strange and bad. You may want to patch your armor up and get it on again ASAP (jumping right back into dating). However, if you feel strong enough to tolerate the discomfort, now may be an ideal time for you to understand your own armor a little better, and maybe develop new ways of doing things that don't require so much armor. I notice in your question that you describe a number of strong beliefs that seem to be causing you some pain or anxiety or inner conflict.
- "I also have a belief that World War III is coming soon-- my fears are getting to me these days"
- "I feel that no one has ever understood and cared for me the way he does."
- "...we hurt each other BECAUSE the love is so deep."
- "Usually these types of emotions lead to tragic consequences."
- ...and the overall idea that following your heart is dangerous and that you must behave "rationally" in order to avoid being hurt or hurting others.
What I'm wondering is: if you took a close look at these beliefs, would you be able to figure out (1) why you believe them, (2) whether they are always true, (3) whether they are useful to you, and (4) whether you have any other true and useful options that you could choose to believe?
Here's an example for you from my own life. I used to believe that searching for love was like searching for Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket -- there were a limited number of them in the world, and if I missed one, I would regret it forever. I relied on my feeling of "love at first sight" to guide me to that Golden Ticket, but also distrusted it -- similiar to what you describe about distrusting "fairy tale romance." I was deeply uncertain about my own ability to correctly sense and hold on to the Golden Ticket.
Over time, I re-evaluated those beliefs in light of my experiences. I think that second set of beliefs is more true than the first set, and it has certainly been more useful to me. I've come to believe something more like this:
- The "love at first sight" feeling is not actually love, but something else, sometimes called "limerence". It can be a fun rollercoaster ride. But, in and of itself, it is not love -- just an opportunity to get close to someone else and explore the first steps towards love.
- Love itself is not a Golden Ticket. It's more like a house that you build, brick by brick, with someone else. It has to be actively built by both of you and maintained over time. You can't necessarily build it with just anybody -- you both have to want to commit to the work and time it will take -- but it's not like there's only a single person you can build it with.
- Because that house of love takes time to build, you can't fairly compare new relationships to old ones. With new relationships, you haven't built that house together yet -- you're just taking a look at an empty plot of land, trying to figure out if you both want to build there. If you expect new relationships to arrive with a fully furnished mansion (like you had in your last relationship), then you'll never even set the first brick.
So, advice for you:
1. Consider talking to a therapist. Like I said, when your armor is damaged/down, it can be the perfect time to reevaluate whether you want/need that all of that armor in the first place.
2. Read some books. The two I found most useful when I was reevaluating my beliefs about love are How to Be an Adult in Relationships and All About Love. Here are some excerpts from How to Be an Adult in Relationships that you might find helpful.
posted by ourobouros at 5:44 AM on March 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
- "I also have a belief that World War III is coming soon-- my fears are getting to me these days"
- "I feel that no one has ever understood and cared for me the way he does."
- "...we hurt each other BECAUSE the love is so deep."
- "Usually these types of emotions lead to tragic consequences."
- ...and the overall idea that following your heart is dangerous and that you must behave "rationally" in order to avoid being hurt or hurting others.
What I'm wondering is: if you took a close look at these beliefs, would you be able to figure out (1) why you believe them, (2) whether they are always true, (3) whether they are useful to you, and (4) whether you have any other true and useful options that you could choose to believe?
Here's an example for you from my own life. I used to believe that searching for love was like searching for Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket -- there were a limited number of them in the world, and if I missed one, I would regret it forever. I relied on my feeling of "love at first sight" to guide me to that Golden Ticket, but also distrusted it -- similiar to what you describe about distrusting "fairy tale romance." I was deeply uncertain about my own ability to correctly sense and hold on to the Golden Ticket.
Over time, I re-evaluated those beliefs in light of my experiences. I think that second set of beliefs is more true than the first set, and it has certainly been more useful to me. I've come to believe something more like this:
- The "love at first sight" feeling is not actually love, but something else, sometimes called "limerence". It can be a fun rollercoaster ride. But, in and of itself, it is not love -- just an opportunity to get close to someone else and explore the first steps towards love.
- Love itself is not a Golden Ticket. It's more like a house that you build, brick by brick, with someone else. It has to be actively built by both of you and maintained over time. You can't necessarily build it with just anybody -- you both have to want to commit to the work and time it will take -- but it's not like there's only a single person you can build it with.
- Because that house of love takes time to build, you can't fairly compare new relationships to old ones. With new relationships, you haven't built that house together yet -- you're just taking a look at an empty plot of land, trying to figure out if you both want to build there. If you expect new relationships to arrive with a fully furnished mansion (like you had in your last relationship), then you'll never even set the first brick.
So, advice for you:
1. Consider talking to a therapist. Like I said, when your armor is damaged/down, it can be the perfect time to reevaluate whether you want/need that all of that armor in the first place.
2. Read some books. The two I found most useful when I was reevaluating my beliefs about love are How to Be an Adult in Relationships and All About Love. Here are some excerpts from How to Be an Adult in Relationships that you might find helpful.
posted by ourobouros at 5:44 AM on March 31, 2017 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for your answers! I've done CBT and am already on medication and in therapy, and I've had good relationships before this one, it just got me a bit stuck as I was dealing with a shit storm at work last year and he was supportive during that stressful time. I've been single for most of my life so I don't think another 2 years is going to teach me anything, lol. Also surely therapy isn't going to assuage the fear of WWIII. I don't think I'm crazy for having that one. The acting rationally thing is the only reason I'm not still with him right now and why instead of sending him message I wrote this Ask me. Thannks everybody
posted by winterportage at 10:37 AM on March 31, 2017
posted by winterportage at 10:37 AM on March 31, 2017
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When he was working non-stop, he could have taken 2 hours twice a week to spend time with you. There was a reason he didn't do this; maybe he's not good at managing his time and obligations, or maybe he got so absorbed that time got away from him...or ? But the reason he stayed away wasn't the deep love.
You bugged him because you were hurt and frustrated, but also probably because you don't know a more effective way to try and get what you need. In the future, you might want to work on respecting your own needs and saying what's best for you, and drawing boundaries if you don't get what you need.
I don't know what to say about your tipsy make-out session. It could have happened out of frustration and lack of hope. But it wasn't love.
It's not surprising that at this point you can't imagine being with someone else. During the year you were with the boyfriend, you were holding on to shreds of hope, wishing things would improve. When you give up those hopes, it's a great loss. Nobody wants to accept that they put in so much time and experienced the pain for no good reason. Don't mistake deep longing for deep love. You need time.
Take time doing things and being with people that you enjoy. Keep noticing the positives of being without that guy, and when you start wishing it could have been different, you can feel sad buy don't idealize him or the relationship. Be good to yourself.
posted by wryly at 6:16 PM on March 30, 2017 [11 favorites]