What should I do!!!
January 3, 2017 3:07 PM   Subscribe

Hello. I need some serious advice. I'm dating this guy who really seems to be harsh and mean. Everytime we have a discussion he yells. Wen we have a disagreement, he yells at me like I'm a 2 year old. I find myself telling him to calm down. Just the other day we were talking and I was crying he did not care that I was crying. He told me to get out my feelings and grow a backbone .

I was telling him how he hurt my feelings when he say mean things to me . He still did not care . He doesn't care about my feeling. I'm sensitive. I thought that I was too sensitive until I realize he we say mean things to me and wouldn't care how I feel. If I'm crying or just very emotional he never support me. He continued to say mean and ugly things to me and never hold me or comfort me and tell me it's going to be ok. He continues to tell me to get out of my feelings and still get a backbone. But how do you come back from someone saying they don't want you and do not apologize for saying ugly things to you. He does not think that he did anything wrong and he says he don't owe you an apology.I tell him time and time again that my feelings are hurt but he seems to never care. He tells me I'm too soft and that im ruining our relationship because i wont fall to his orders. He says he's a man of God but he doesn't live by God. How can a woman love a man like this! Please tell me what type of attitude is this? He demonstrates the behavior or a narcissist! Self centered, controlling, blames everyone but himself. Please somebody tell me. He even yells at my kids. I dont like it. It seems like he has a lot of anger built up inside of him and its seeping out of him. He says he dont need help but i do. Hes always angry. Its always me! Help me to understand what's going on here please!!!!!
posted by Sippi15 to Human Relations (39 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Hello. I need some serious advice. I'm dating this guy who really seems to be harsh and mean.

Serious advice: Do not date this person anymore. Full stop.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:08 PM on January 3, 2017 [166 favorites]


What's going on is that he is an abusive asshole and you should leave.
posted by dilettante at 3:11 PM on January 3, 2017 [49 favorites]


Stop seeing him. Forever. Nothing you say or do will change him.
posted by radicalawyer at 3:11 PM on January 3, 2017 [23 favorites]


Er, DTMFA. Right now. What is going on is that he is a controlling mean bully.

I'd add that not only do you need to protect yourself, but your children.
posted by bearwife at 3:11 PM on January 3, 2017 [29 favorites]


Run fast.... he does not care about you or your feelings.... he will not change no matter what you do.
posted by cairnoflore at 3:12 PM on January 3, 2017 [9 favorites]


None of this is okay.

Stop seeing this man or letting him near your family.
posted by itesser at 3:12 PM on January 3, 2017 [11 favorites]


Yelling is an instant no for me in friends, housemates, and partners. Stop seeing this person.
posted by needs more cowbell at 3:14 PM on January 3, 2017 [6 favorites]


Please don't date this man. Please get him away from you and your kids.

I don't think even a trained psychologist could make a diagnosis over the internet. Mine is "asshole you should not be dating."

I'm sorry you're having this experience. Please stay safe.
posted by bunderful at 3:14 PM on January 3, 2017 [4 favorites]


If this is the same guy you posted about in May 2016, please note that his behavior has gotten a lot more aggressive, violent, and unpredictable since then. You and your children deserve better.
posted by radicalawyer at 3:17 PM on January 3, 2017 [12 favorites]


I was telling him how he hurt my feelings when he say mean things to me . He still did not care . He doesn't care about my feelings.

What would you tell your best friend if she said this to you about the person she is dating? You'd tell her to break up with this guy. Please be your own best friend here.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:18 PM on January 3, 2017 [5 favorites]


You already have children, who probably have all of the normal, developmentally-appropriate issues with impulse control and emotional immaturity. You do not need a partner that is an emotional child. Let me assure you that, indeed, #NotAllMen need you to be their emotional sponge and punching bag.

Move on. You deserve better.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 3:18 PM on January 3, 2017 [6 favorites]


Abusers abuse because they need to abuse. There is nothing you can do to make him stop. The only thing you can do is make sure you and your kids aren't available as targets. Please leave.
posted by snickerdoodle at 3:21 PM on January 3, 2017 [2 favorites]


In your last question you said you were breaking up with him. What happened?
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:24 PM on January 3, 2017 [5 favorites]


Hello. I need some serious advice. I'm dating this guy who really seems to be harsh and mean. Everytime we have a discussion he yells. Wen we have a disagreement, he yells at me like I'm a 2 year old.

Here's your advice: ditch this jerk.

Help me to understand what's going on here please!!!!!

What's going on is this guy is a fucking jerk. Get rid.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:24 PM on January 3, 2017 [2 favorites]


This is the link to the comment you made thanking people in the last question you posted about this guy.

Please, please go re-read the whole thread. What's going on is he's abusive and dangerous, and your kids are growing up thinking this is a normal way to behave, and you need to break up with him. You are not a terrible person for loving someone who doesn't treat you well, and you are definitely not the only person to ever do so. You should become one of the many, many people who recognizes you do not have to live like this, being treated like this, and break up with him.
posted by rtha at 3:28 PM on January 3, 2017 [12 favorites]


I doubt that anyone here is going to tell you not to get this man out of your and your children's lives.

How can a woman love a man like this! Please tell me what type of attitude is this?

There are lots of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. It doesn't matter which of those reasons apply to you. What does matter is that you not let yourself get taken in by the "it's stupid to stay in an abusive relationship, I am not stupid, therefore my relationship must not be abusive" trap, or the "if I'm stupid enough to stay in this abusive relationship, maybe I don't deserve better" trap.

You are smart enough to see that something is very wrong here. And you've been smart enough to see it for a very long time. You deserve better. Now you need to figure out how to get out.

It sounds like you live with him. Regardless of what the "fair" outcome would be, the safest thing would be for you and your children to move to a new place, as soon as possible. If you can afford it, get a hotel room, tonight, stay until you can find a place to rent. If you can't, start saving money in a way that he won't know about... can you open a new bank account (with statements sent to work?) can you keep cash in a safe place at work?

If you are in the US, the Domestic Violence Hotline is at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), they can help you make a safe plan to leave. If you aren't in the US, this Metafilter Wiki page lists resources for other countries.

If you need an internet stranger to help walk you through the planning steps, feel free to memail me.

Remember, when you leave him it will hurt. He will say horrible things to you, and to your friends about you. You will miss the good times you had with him. You might feel regret/shame for the time you wasted on him. It will take time, but I promise you that none of those will be anywhere near as powerful as the amazing feeling of being free of him.
posted by sparklemotion at 3:40 PM on January 3, 2017 [15 favorites]


Sparklemotion thanks for your advice. U are very helpful. I was living with me. Hes out now. He has hurt me enough to the point I dont want to go back. I can't. Its too painful to stay
posted by Sippi15 at 3:45 PM on January 3, 2017 [4 favorites]


Yes I said yes I will yes, I'll be honest and say I went back thinking things would get better. Of course things didnt better. Only worse!
posted by Sippi15 at 3:48 PM on January 3, 2017 [2 favorites]


The hard thing about abusive relationships is that the abusers aren't ever 100% bad 100% of the time, because if they were, you wouldn't have started dating them in the first place. But good qualities don't make up for abuse, and being in love doesn't make up for abuse. You deserve more than a tiny bit of good stuff buried under a bunch of awful stuff.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:50 PM on January 3, 2017 [23 favorites]


Well, he's abusive and since you feel there's some NPD behaviour, perhaps you'll find this (and other Jenny Mawter slideshares on this issue, useful. Primarily, the take away observations: the lack of empathy, the self-doubt engendered in the co-dependent person, the escalation of control, repudiation and manifestations of contempt and neglect. It's hard to get clarity, but hopefully here you can see the validation of your so-called 'sensitivity' - don't let anyone tell you that this lovely human quality is a liability. It's only a liability in abusive relationships.

Girl, you can do it, leave.
posted by honey-barbara at 4:10 PM on January 3, 2017


For the sake of your children, please keep him out of your lives. Neither your children or you should be exposed to such a verbally abusive tyrant. If you can manage it financially, please get counseling to help figure out why you stayed in this relationship after seeking and getting advice many months ago to leave him. You and your children need to build a strong, healthy family relationship going forward. That's number one.
posted by Elsie at 4:14 PM on January 3, 2017 [2 favorites]


Script: "Listen Mister, this is my 'backbone' - let me show you how it works. You need to get out of my life. I have had enough of your crap."

Don't cry, don't plead (which inevitably in a relationship like this is what the co-dependent person does, hoping for empathy, sympathy or common decency) just try to be as emotionless as possible. When he escalates, note that this is happening, as though you are a detached observer, and say the same thing, as coldly and blankly as you can: "you are abusive. You need to leave." Be prepared this call the police remove him.
posted by honey-barbara at 4:18 PM on January 3, 2017 [5 favorites]


Help me to understand what's going on here please!!!!!

He's a self-involved misogynist abusive asshole. There is nothing more to understand. Whatever reasons he has for being that way are totally irrelevant.

Dump him immediately.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:31 PM on January 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


I dated a guy once who was really harsh and mean. He yelled at me all the time and never cared when I was crying. He never thought he did anything wrong. He was always angry, and always blamed me. Sound familiar?

I thought it was me. I thought he was a great guy, and it was my fault he was angry all the time. I thought if I could just be a better girlfriend, he'd be a better boyfriend. I tried everything I could think of to make him happy. Time, attention, food, sex, everything. I was willing to do anything.

And then he hit me. And I still thought it was my fault.

And then he raped me. And I still thought it was my fault.

It wasn't until he gave me a sexually transmitted disease that I got my guts together to break up with him.

I couldn't count the bruises for you. I couldn't quantify the humiliation. But I can tell you that you do not deserve the way this man is treating you. Your kids do not deserve this. And you don't want to wait for this to escalate. Get out. Now.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 4:33 PM on January 3, 2017 [17 favorites]


Just so you're aware, when you're involved with someone abusive, remember that none of the rules of manners of breakups apply. You are allowed to do it by email or text message. You are allowed to ghost, no matter how long you've been seeing the person, if they'll respect that. You're allowed to refuse to discuss it. You don't have to tell him he's being abusive, you don't have to give him a chance to get better, you don't have to have a dialogue. You're allowed to block his number, you're allowed to stop returning his phone calls, you're allowed to call the cops if he shows up on your doorstep. You don't have to return gifts, you don't have to pay him back for things he might have paid for, recent or otherwise.

You owe him absolutely nothing. Nothing. End it in whatever way is most expedient and safe for you in your current situation.
posted by Sequence at 4:35 PM on January 3, 2017 [43 favorites]


If you want some reading, try Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Generally, abusers act like this because it benefits them in some way, and this book explains how that sick system works. Speaking of, definitely read this essay on sick systems, which abusive relationships often function as.
posted by foxfirefey at 4:56 PM on January 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


I went back thinking things would get better. Of course things didnt better. Only worse!

It typically gets worse when you go back because it proves you will put up with their shit.

DTMFA so very hard.
posted by Michele in California at 5:03 PM on January 3, 2017 [8 favorites]


i personally would kill him in his sleep but you can just go ahead and break up with him instead
posted by poffin boffin at 5:19 PM on January 3, 2017 [20 favorites]


"I'm dating this guy who really seems to be harsh and mean."

Yeah, this is a really easy question, was there more detail? I just assumed the rest of what you wrote boiled down to "...and therefore I have dumped him, did I do the right thing?"

Yes.

p.s. I like poffin boffin's idea too but I agree that breaking up with him is the thing to do
posted by tel3path at 5:31 PM on January 3, 2017


Sorry, hit send too soon:

Mean guys do not get to date you. There is no room for deliberate meanness in your life! And definitely not in your kids' lives!

It is that simple.
posted by tel3path at 5:33 PM on January 3, 2017 [4 favorites]


Do you need another person to say DTMFA? If so, here you go.

DTMFA.

If not for you, for your kids.
posted by Toddles at 6:02 PM on January 3, 2017


Please spare your children the unhappiness of an abusive stepfather. There will be lifelong painful ramifications for them. You don't need to understand why he is this way, it won't change anything. I suppose if you really want you can read up on abusers and narcissists when you and your kids are safely out of his sphere, but for now focus on cutting him completely out of your lives.
posted by JenMarie at 8:31 PM on January 3, 2017 [2 favorites]


In less than a year, you seem to have gotten yourself into two high-drama, intensely emotional relationships with men that seem abusive and controlling. If it's the same guy, then it's even worse - you continued to stay with him despite the severe issues you outlined in your previous questions.

Stop dating for a while and figure out why you seem to be attracted to men who are this way, perhaps with help from a therapist or counselor. What you're doing isn't healthy for anyone.
posted by Everydayville at 9:49 PM on January 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


Yes it is the same guy and yes I walked away. It took me to hear my kids discussing one day how he yells at them and is always mad. I can't take my kids thru this. Thanks everyone. And yes I will order the book. On the outside this guy seemed sweet as candy. On the inside hes rotten to the core. I got my answer as to why he doesn't have a wife by now. He wanted to make me his wife and thats the honest truth as to why I went back..
posted by Sippi15 at 11:08 PM on January 3, 2017 [3 favorites]


He wanted to marry you in order to make you his property, not in order to love you for all eternity. Do not take him back. Ever.
posted by Michele in California at 11:31 PM on January 3, 2017 [12 favorites]


You say he was living with you and you kicked him out – could you please call a local shelter or a domestic abuse hotline to have a backup plan just in case this dude comes back? In the US: 1-800-799-SAFE
UK: 0808 2000 247
List of global hotlines: Global hotlines

Please do not take him back, for both you and your children's sake. As a child who grew up in an abusive household, I can tell you that I would have been happier living in poverty with a single parent than growing up in the hellish marriage my parents had (and still have...).
posted by fraula at 2:01 AM on January 4, 2017 [1 favorite]


Yes I will and I now have family living nearby, who does not like him at all, and ive had ALL locks changed. Thanks for the advice guys. I really appreciate it. I saw myself being very miserable and thats not the way I want to live my life.
posted by Sippi15 at 5:32 AM on January 4, 2017 [19 favorites]


Life is too short to hang around people who yell all the time; move on and find someone who treats you well.
posted by bentpyramid at 6:11 AM on January 4, 2017


I am so so so glad you've seen this as it really is.

I would give you some advice someone gave me after I left an abuser who I truly loved and thought I could change: It's not because you were stupid or lacked a backbone. It's because you're a caring person and you gave the benefit of the doubt and that was taken advantage of. It's a good quality in you that a bad person abused for their own benefit.

I also don't want to scare you, but be very careful; have a plan for what you will do if he shows up at your house or work or if he tries to get to you through family or friends. Be willing to involve law enforcement.

I am so happy for you. Life only gets better from here.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:21 AM on January 6, 2017 [1 favorite]


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