Might as well call him Humphrey Braggart, AMIRITE?

April 28, 2008 8:18 AM

Please help me become more genuinely modest and less arrogant... without being too self deprecating.

I've become a huge braggart lately, and it's of course pushing people away (making it harder to make friends). It's amplified tenfold when I drink, so for now I've stopped drinking. At the core of it, there's a part of me that really feels he is better than other people; another part of me usually keeps that in check. Lately this hasn't been the case. Incidentally, in the past I've been the opposite -- really hard on myself, not satisfied with anything I've accomplished, and unable to communicate the things that I have accomplished where/when it mattered (such as jobs).

These days I'm just critical of everything, think I can do things better than they've already been done, and am just generally disagreeable -- e.g. someone will mention that such-and-such is nice, and I will almost always respond with a laundry list of its faults. I realize this seems tangential, but I think it has a lot to do with this arrogance.

The reality is that I've had my fair share of failures and successes, but for the most part I'd say I'm doing well. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, but this pride is translating itself in very negative ways. In the past, I've feigned modesty; but I don't want to be falsely modest. I want to be genuinely humbled.

So please help me not be such an arrogant and self-righteous ass. I'm looking for a way to mitigate the two extremes of being critical of myself and taking pride in who I've become without being obnoxious.

(Also, while searching other AskMefi questions to see if this was asked before, I stumbled on this one, and looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A lot of that describes me, and so I'm going to schedule a therapy appointment to work it out).

In the meantime, what steps can I do to make myself more genuinely down-to-earth without being too hard on myself? If you had a very close friend who was like this, what would you frankly say to him or her?

I've created a throwaway anon email for direct responses -- [e-mail].

Cheers.

posted by anonymous to human relations (28 comments total)

Is there anything discipline that you think you may not be completely suited for? For example, if you have never been an especially musically-oriented person, perhaps you can try to learn an instrument. This might give you the chance to actually have to work hard at succeeding at something. That kind of experience, especially for someone who thinks that they might be better than other people, might give you that humbling experience you seem to be looking for (and frankly, probably need). Staying within our comfort zones isn't going to give you the kind of experience where you go "Hey, maybe there are indeed other people who are better than me at this or that."

These days I'm just critical of everything, think I can do things better than they've already been done, and am just generally disagreeable -- e.g. someone will mention that such-and-such is nice, and I will almost always respond with a laundry list of its faults. I realize this seems tangential, but I think it has a lot to do with this arrogance.

I'll be honest: I have found myself doing this at times. When I notice it, I make an extra effort to simply shut my mouth the next time I get the urge. Simply having to force myself to do that humbles me plenty. In my case, it's when I'm feeling particulary insecure or inhibited - that kind of feeling seems to bring out a very judgmental side of me. Even though you say that you are feeling airs of superiority, I wonder if somewhere deep inside isn't a certain level of insecurity trying to somehow let you know that it's there, and needs your attention.

At the same time, I have a friend who is acting in very similar ways. She seems to think that everyone thinks she's awesome, that everything she does is amazing. What do I wish I could tell her? Pretty much what you have already noticed about yourself: that she's pushing people away and that it's quite likely that she isn't as grand as she thinks she is. I think she suffers from insecurity issues as well, and is totally overcompensating. The thing is, you have a leg up on her - you have started to notice what's going on, and are trying to correct it.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 8:35 AM on April 28, 2008

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you handle some situations "better" than many people would. Maybe you are able to study or work in a more focused way, or save money with more discipline, or solve problems more cleverly. Each of these abilities is the result of a complicated web of circumstances over which you have had no real control: your genetics, the verbal and non-verbal messages your parents, teachers, and friends sent you constantly as you were growing up, opportunities you had or avoided because of your parents' financial situation.

A religious person might attribute all successes to a deity, but even a non-religious person can easily be brought to realize that free will, if it is not wholly an illusion, is at best difficult to pin down.

Alternatively, you could reflect on this: what are the ultimate ends of your successes? Money, house, car, travel? Could it not be that other people, who "achieve" less, do so because they are unable to act with the same degree of focus as you are, because they are distracted by love, consideration, approval-seeking, or even a sadness that reflects a connection to others -- and that these feelings and actions of theirs will ultimately lead to a different kind of fulfillment?
posted by amtho at 8:35 AM on April 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

No matter how good you are at something, there's always somebody better. You aren't the best.

I have a friend like this. I don't say anything about it, but when he starts pumping himself up, I just stop listening. If you want humility, just realize that all of your friends are currently mocking you behind your back about your boastfulness.
posted by hwyengr at 8:36 AM on April 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Do things that scare the shit out of you - if it's heights, then stand on the edge of the grand canyon. If it's snakes, go to the zoo. You get the picture. When you get caught in lizard-brain trap it tends to take the piss out of you.
posted by notsnot at 8:38 AM on April 28, 2008

I haven't dealt with exactly the same thing, but I am a bit socially awkward due to ADD and probably some other stuff. I try to remember to ask a lot of questions and keep my own mouth shut. That might be a good starting place for you, too.
posted by the christopher hundreds at 8:39 AM on April 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Always do your best. Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything. But it is the action that is going to make you feel intensely happy. When you always do your best, you take action.

Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward. If you take the action just for the sake of doing it, without expecting a reward, you will find that you enjoy every action you do. Rewards will come, but you are not attached to the reward. You can get even more than you would have imagined for yourself without expecting a reward. If we like what we do, if we always do our best, then we are really enjoying life.
posted by netbros at 8:44 AM on April 28, 2008

Minus the "success" bit, this is me in a nutshell. Putting my outwardly critical attitude to good use, I've compiled a short list that might help us both:

1. Don't give negative feedback unless it is explicitly requested.
2. Don't talk about what you're up to unless someone explicitly asks. ("How are you," etc. doesn't count)
3. Ask about other people's work before they have a chance to ask about yours. Pay attention and ask follow-up questions.
4. Do give positive feedback whenever it is due.
5. If you do ever get to talking about your own success, make sure to acknowledge the assistance of others.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:50 AM on April 28, 2008 [5 favorites]

You probably have two problems:

You think you're smart. Which you may or not be.

You think everybody else is stupid. Just because people have the sense not to tell you how brilliant they are doesn't mean they are stupid.

Once you realize that most people are as smart as you, or smarter, you may chill out a bit.

Try to see the positive in things. Nobody wants to hear why something sucks or how it is lacking, which you are already of aware. It's boring and incredibly draining. Don't be a downer. Practice silence if you feel the need to criticize or brag. Try to ask questions and take an interest in others to get the focus off yourself.

Do what you learned in kindergarten. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.

I think it's great that you recognize the problem and want to do something about it. Good luck.
posted by LoriFLA at 8:59 AM on April 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

The best thing a braggart can do is shut up. Close your mouth and listen. Accept complements graciously and don't offer criticisms unless specifically asked to.
posted by sanka at 9:14 AM on April 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Have you tried being Gracious...?

I say this because this is the word I would say to myself before responding to a compliment.

To remind myself of how I wanted to be perceived.
(It's a lame example I know but then teenage girls are pretty lame and then old habits will die hard...)

But graciousness has allowed me to be 'pretty', acknowledge it and have everything in perspective WHILE maintaining friendships simultaneously :) So lame, but the birds sang a little sweeter the day all the petty aspects of this fell into place.

And it has some elements that are not all that different to your predicament.
Graciousness, huh?

So call me Frank Muhahar, my dear Anonymous, but why do you think you're better than everyone?

And just quietly NPD...? I'm not feeling the magic. You sound like you've just turned into a jerk... Or maybe that personality just needs more work? I don't know?
But back to my point - you think you can do it all better? The people you're telling this to clearly aren't convinced!
Either put the effort into it, LISTEN TO PEOPLE and weave the magic that would make a cult leader suitably impressed, or just keep the uninspired conversations aimed solely at yourself, to yourself? Both maybe?

Forget all about you... only focus on them. Think before you speak. (Then you ALWAYS have time. Maybe even enough time to remember things like Graciousness or other-such helpful things). It'll all fall into place... once you get over yourself :)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:20 AM on April 28, 2008

(I'll remember to preveiw one day...)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:22 AM on April 28, 2008

1. I'm pretty sure everybody is stupid.
2. I'm pretty sure that doesn't matter here.
3. I'm pretty sure that you are pushing people away because you want them... away.
4. I'm pretty sure you aren't that smart, or this would be obvious to you.

Why are you isolating yourself? Answer that and you win a free toaster.

When people like other people and want to be around them, I've noticed that they look for common ground and share what they are passionate about.

When you involuntarily pursue a purpose, then, well, you got trouble(s). To subsequently voluntarily pursue a contrary purpose ignores the cause. No cause, no toaster.
posted by ewkpates at 10:10 AM on April 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've found myself in this situation, not intentionally. There are just times when a conversation goes into areas I happen to be knowledgable about, and it's too easy to just put in my 2 cents. When that happens repeatedly (and frankly, I have a wide range of interests, and I happen to retain a lot of useless information) it can be really annoying and come across as being a know-it-all.

Here's my biggest secret to avoiding that appearance: keep my mouth shut. No matter how HARD it can be, no matter if other people are saying things that I KNOW are just plain factually wrong, I try and bite my tongue and just not say anything. Now, there may come a place where the flow turns to where I can say something without coming across that way. Maybe someone will even ask me directly. But, overall just be quiet. Listen instead of talk, no matter how stupid the other people are.

My mantra: "If you're adding to the noise, shut up."

Good for you for being able to notice, and wanting to do something about it. That's half the battle.

OK, I'll shut up now.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 10:11 AM on April 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

At the core of it, there's a part of me that really feels he is better than other people; another part of me usually keeps that in check.

Incidentally, in the past I've been the opposite -- really hard on myself, not satisfied with anything I've accomplished, and unable to communicate the things that I have accomplished where/when it mattered (such as jobs).

I think these two things are connected.

A few years ago, I had both the arrogance and the self-deprecation going on at once. I thought I was socially awkward, no fun to be around, pathetic- and since I couldn't convince myself otherwise, I compensated by thinking everyone else was an idiot compared to me. "I might be lame and friendless, but I'm so smart it doesn't even matter" was the gist of it. It was poisonous. For me, gaining some social self-confidence was what allowed me to stop thinking that way. Once I felt like a genuine, appreciated member of a social group, I was able to stop belittling other people in my mind. I don't know if this applies to you exactly or not, but it's something to consider.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:13 AM on April 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

some possible ways to look at it...

1 - you're a big fish in a small pond. If you're, e.g., better at calculus than whoever's around you, but you're not winning Nobel prizes, it's very likely your skills are shared by many other people, and it's only due to self-induced locality that you're not aware how many other big fish are out there. Give yourself tougher competition or higher goals.

2 - your natural skills aren't really your achievement. If you were born with cerebral palsy, it wouldn't be your fault; likewise if you're born with great brain capacity it's not exactly your virtue. As I said in that previous thread you linked to, a common view of the will in philosophy is that it is really only in moral / ethical decisions that it is exercised - we can't will ourselves to be smarter or more talented; we can only decide what the right action is to take. Talent and natural intelligence are just as much your genetic inheritance (or what have you - "god given" in some old books) as your looks (not to say this simplistic view is right, but just pointing out where the classic split is). So to be proud of what you were lucky to be born with or born into is not very wise.

3 - work on good judgment, which is what will help us make the best decisions in the future. And an important aspect of good judgment is recognizing how difficult it is to judge well, and how little anyone knows. A good way to remind oneself of this is to take a subject you have an opinion on and read intelligent books that support opposing opinions. (Really, only do this with intelligent books - I wouldn't bother with contemporary bestselling rants, though you have to enjoy the reading too, so of course it's your choice. But you want something you'll honestly respect).
Forcing yourself to consider the other side, not as a way to defend your position, but to seriously open the possibility, could I change my mind on this, is a good way to humble yourself. We all have assumptions and often think we have answers and other people are just dumb for having a certain position - but maybe we're just as dumb for ours (even if we end up agreeing with the initial position, did we truly understand why, or were we just going along with the party line?). This isn't about success & failure, but arrogance often comes up in opinion as well.
posted by mdn at 10:35 AM on April 28, 2008

When I hear myself get arrogant, thinking I know more than everyone else, if I really deconstruct it, I find that it is an overall frustration with the world and I am having a difficult time accepting everything that is wrong, and it is somehow my way of voicing it.

I go into the 'I can do it better, I am awesome, etc.' mode when I am worried about the economy, for example. It gives me a (false) sense of security, some sense of control. A survival instinct somehow...

Just another viewpoint that might apply to you.
posted by Vaike at 10:57 AM on April 28, 2008

There's some great advice here, especially about being a big fish in a small pond. Get out of your comfort zone and remind yourself of all the things you can't do. Scare yourself shitless. Take a job you think is "beneath" you and learn something.

Also, true narcissists very, very, very rarely, if ever, recognize NPD and see it as a problem worth fixing. You might just be insecure or otherwise becoming aware of another problem. Either way, I'm no position to know. No matter what, I'd take this as a happy sign, and I wish you the best of luck in therapy.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:09 AM on April 28, 2008

Do me a favor. Think about your great-grandfather. Do you know what he was good at? Was he exceptionally talented at something? What about your great-great-grandfather? What was he skilled at? Odds are, you can't really answer that question, and the more generations you go back, the less you're able to answer.

In a couple of generations, hardly anyone will remember anything about you. Of the billions of people in this world, a handful will remember that you existed at all. A few more generations and you'll just be a statistic in a book -- Name, Birth date, Death date. So why does it really matter that you're better than Jennifer at table tennis, or you think Samuel drives like a myopic senior citizen?

In the end, it doesn't really matter. So why would you spend your effort today puffing yourself up and making others feel poorly?

Secondarily, focus on the work people do, yourself included. If you don't feel like you've accomplished anything, take a moment and think about all of the effort you put forth. Quit focusing on the results and what the results say about you. Could you have worked harder? If so, then work harder. Regroup, ask for help, try to learn new ways to approach it.

Don't define yourself by the results, but rather by the work and effort you gave. Actions say so much more about a person than the results.
posted by Nerro at 11:41 AM on April 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

It sounds to me like your spending too much time focusing on yourself, which can make you generally insufferable. I'd say try volunteering and focusing on others for awhile. When I volunteer, I begin to realize how lucky I am and how many other people haven't been given the same oppurtunities. That experience tends to be humbling.
posted by bananafish at 11:43 AM on April 28, 2008

Find the motivation of your braggadocio (see Maslow) . You may be knowledgeable. And you want the love, friendship and esteem of your peers. However, when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. You already recognize that your current action is inconsistent with your goal. Stop hammering the same problem with the same inappropriate tool. Observe, seek advice, practice. Get more tool, find different technique, look for different ways to achieve your goal. Once you address the underlining need that expresses itself in the self-destructive behavior, you will have resolve the behavior itself.

Frustration is the indication of an unmet need, a lack of tool and technique to fulfill that need, and an observation that currently available tool and technique, despite effort, have failed. When you become a fulfilled person, you will stop being a braggart (or you may not care that other think you are a braggart).
posted by curiousZ at 12:13 PM on April 28, 2008

How to avoid seeming like an arrogant, know-it-all jerk.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:55 PM on April 28, 2008

This helps me a lot:

The Four Agreements -
Don Miguel Ruiz's code for life

1
Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2
Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3
Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4
Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
posted by jara1953 at 12:56 PM on April 28, 2008 [5 favorites]

Another thought is this: if you think you are too arrogant, purposefully place yourself on the very opposite end of the spectrum. Become a very quiet individual, and consciously filter what comes out of your mouth for arrogance. It would be difficult and would look to others like a drastic personality change, but in the long run it might be an organic way of accomplishing what you seek to accomplish.
posted by WCityMike at 1:23 PM on April 28, 2008

Hang out with people who are actually good at what you do.

You will quickly be humbled, or else, maybe you actually are good at what you do (note: doubtful if you are under 35).

Acting more humble in real life is actually amazingly easy. Just stop talking about yourself. When people ask questions, even if you can't refrain from saying something along the lines of "i am an amazing god" they will tend not to take it as seriously as if you are always bringing up yourself and your projects. Ask good questions and be a good listener. You will seem more humble in short order.
posted by shownomercy at 1:52 PM on April 28, 2008

The one thing more irritating than arrogance is feigned humility.
You ain't The Shit. Get over yourself.

When you feel you've done something amazing, be proud. Then make a list of things you could have done to make it better. Ask your peers what you could have done to improve on it. Be grateful for constructive criticism and accept it with grace.
posted by HotPatatta at 3:57 PM on April 28, 2008

Watch the people you really admire, the people who really help you the most. Are they critical?

It's a lot harder to support others than it is to pick at flaws. It is also a lot more productive.

I do a lot of work in teams. The youngest people on the teams are the most critical. The older people are very quiet, and they say what's good about things, and occasionally, they say, "if you're trying to do X, you might want to add Y." It's always about the listener's desire to do X. The listener (who feels supported, approved of, and helped along) then takes the suggestion seriously.

The interesting bit is how difficult it really is to switch into this mode. Being "right" is really the smallest part of the battle. I've been trying for about three months. I am constantly amazed and humbled by how much better other people I work with are.
posted by salvia at 10:01 PM on April 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Also, see if this description of perfectionism rings true.
posted by salvia at 10:02 PM on April 28, 2008

I guess one way to avoid seeming like a braggart is realizing there are about 10 loudmouths to every 1 genuinely kind, humble person. Being a dime a dozen is not something to brag about.

Well, maybe not literally 10 to 1, but the way boastful people act and talk detracts a lot of attention away from humbler people, so that the latter seems like a precious, endangered species.

What also helps me from bragging: realizing that every time we brag about ourselves, we actually lose the exact amount of respect we were hoping to gain.

One thing I don't understand about your question is why you or anyone else necessarily needs to feel proud of themselves, at least for an extended period of time. I'm not sure if it's ever helped me, personally, to feel proud of something I've done. There's the nice surge of dopamine, and then it's gone. It's all relative, anyways. The real measure of success is whether action or project X or Y has actually had the effect I was hoping/intending. I didn't do X or Y to feel proud. Pride is just a side effect that may or may not be there from accomplishment, something to be enjoyed perhaps, but nothing to be taken that seriously.
posted by uxo at 4:48 AM on May 1, 2008