A big life puzzle - please help me solve it
August 8, 2016 5:12 AM Subscribe
I know you should usually just know if you should live with your partner, but I think I know, and the context has been really complicated and dramatic so hear me out! Featuring cancer x 2, a car crash, and 267 types of ear plugs.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I'm 31, female, and he's 30.
Cut a long story short: 7 months into our relationship he found out he had cancer. Big, serious cancer. I was his main caregiver for a while, though towards the end I got better at coordinating other people. It was still exhausting, but we had lots of good times too and we are now very close. He's gotten through treatment well - finished chemo about 4 months ago and has just had his final bit of surgery (reversing a colostomy bag). We're very keen to get on with our lives. We talk a LOT about wanting our own space to do things with (currently he lives in a shared house and I live with a flatmate).
We are also both very tired and frustrated with having to lug our stuff across London to see eachother (we both have stuff at eachothers' flats but you always need extra stuff), and we love the idea of not having to plan so much - it'd be lovely to just know we're going to see eachother time - and we're tired of feeling like we can't make as much noise as we want when we want in our own homes. We've even started a pinterest for the boat we want to build and live together in one day (we were thinking about that seriously until the laws changed and it became unviable).
We had talked about waiting for a while to live together after his treatment had finished to let things settle down a bit and life return somewhat to normal, but almost straightaway we found out my dad has lung cancer and things will be rocky for a while yet.
Four months later, my boyfriend is being evicted. He has been offered a studio flat from a friend at very good mate's rates, and we are talking about him moving in that while we find somewhere together, because it would seem life won't be dandy for a while, and actually the idea of moving in excites us now his treatment is out of the way and it actually feels like we can start living a bit more normally as a couple. We were always careful to try not to make big decisions whilst he was on treatment about when / how we would move in together, because it was just so damn difficult to talk about the future. But as soon as it was finished our minds seemed to both move towards that idea quite quickly as something that seemed fun and exciting, and a bit of a fresh start for us.
An additional factor is that I don’t feel my current flatmate situation is the most amazing for me at the moment. It is not the main factor, but I’m noticing I feel guilty at the idea of leaving here because I think she’ll be very upset, and it’s making it hard to feel like I can make a clear decision. I’m sure I’m projecting some of my own fears onto the situation too, because of course my boyfriend could get sick again, or it could not work out and I would have given up a flat with a good friend, etc. And I do worry about his grumpiness, which at times can be really unfair and upsetting (but I think it’s been massively exacerbated by chemobrain, and seeing eachother so much over the last year – way way more than your average couple, as he’s not felt well enough to see most of this friends and has needed me to be around when he’s sick etc).
I'm living with a friend at the moment but things are not working out as well as I would have hoped. We moved in together in January with the explicit intention of having lots of fun together after we both had had crappy years. But my boyfriend's treatment didn't finish till May, and that was quite consuming, and her brother had a huge car accident in Feb which has left him brain dead. Then my dad found out he had lung cancer in May so there's been no care free time. We both have very different schedules so she's asleep most of the time when I get back in the evenings at 9pm, plus silly housemate tensions are building up which I don't have the energy to confront. I dont think she does either - we've both been givig each other slack as she has a difficult situation too.
I'm worried she'll be really upset if I move out. She was very keen on living with me, which means that she pays quite a bit more than I do and I feel I can't complain too much about the fact I just can't get a good night's sleep because of various sources of noise, including our very different schedules, as she seems to take it personally. She loves her room, which is tonnes bigger than mine (I've had to downsize massively) and she keeps hinting I just need to get rid of even more stuff which kinda annoys me (I’ve gotten rid of so so much). She also doesn't have the noise issues. I've had a handful of good night's sleep while I've been here, because of the guy upstairs and his creaky floorboards / weird schedule/ very loud snoring, my housemate's schedule (she can't open a cupboard in the kitchen without me waking up, and she has refused me buying a kettle and toaster for living room which means she often eats breakfast out which makes me feel a bit bad) and also the ridiculously loud birds outside (have tried every ear plug under the sun). This massively affects my mental health and productivity at work. It's also a bit too far out here - sounds silly but going from a 5 min walk to the tube to a twenty min walk in this place feels like a lot.
I also find the intensity a bit much - you can't relax in the same way you do with a partner. And I need a different kind of privacy and support at the moment now my dad is ill, the kind that my boyfriend can give me but which I feel unable to get from this friend. And I think she would like to spend a lot more time chilling and being close - she's a lesbian and prior to this lived with a woman in a relationship, which I think influences things a bit as she didn't have any time on her own.
My boyfriend si re-joining college in October (he was halfway through a masters) which should be a good gentle introduction back into the real world. It will also mean he works late and gives me a bit more space than what I feel I get here. He plans on starting to earn proper money after that, and I think his prospects are good (his salary wasn't bad before), so whereas I would pay more for the rent for a period, it wouldn't be forever (I can afford more than he can, though I'm still not rich - enough for a one bed flat somewhere potentially closer to my dad).
Obviously I have fears. Fears about him getting sick again, fears that I should stay here and try and have fun with my flatmate...but that's not worked out as well as it could have....We do have some nice times, but they are still few and far between and nothing we couldn't do as friends out of the flat.
My boyfriend and I are are eachothers' best friends, and still have fun despite all the shit that's been thrown towards us, although I won't pretend either of us are at our best at the moment - we're knackered.
I'm just worried because my boyfriend and I are in a delicate emotional state at the moment, and I don't want us to make the wrong decision, but, we are both in this for the long haul and we were going to live together at some point, and right now it just feels exciting to make this step. Are we being silly? Is this a terrible idea?
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I'm 31, female, and he's 30.
Cut a long story short: 7 months into our relationship he found out he had cancer. Big, serious cancer. I was his main caregiver for a while, though towards the end I got better at coordinating other people. It was still exhausting, but we had lots of good times too and we are now very close. He's gotten through treatment well - finished chemo about 4 months ago and has just had his final bit of surgery (reversing a colostomy bag). We're very keen to get on with our lives. We talk a LOT about wanting our own space to do things with (currently he lives in a shared house and I live with a flatmate).
We are also both very tired and frustrated with having to lug our stuff across London to see eachother (we both have stuff at eachothers' flats but you always need extra stuff), and we love the idea of not having to plan so much - it'd be lovely to just know we're going to see eachother time - and we're tired of feeling like we can't make as much noise as we want when we want in our own homes. We've even started a pinterest for the boat we want to build and live together in one day (we were thinking about that seriously until the laws changed and it became unviable).
We had talked about waiting for a while to live together after his treatment had finished to let things settle down a bit and life return somewhat to normal, but almost straightaway we found out my dad has lung cancer and things will be rocky for a while yet.
Four months later, my boyfriend is being evicted. He has been offered a studio flat from a friend at very good mate's rates, and we are talking about him moving in that while we find somewhere together, because it would seem life won't be dandy for a while, and actually the idea of moving in excites us now his treatment is out of the way and it actually feels like we can start living a bit more normally as a couple. We were always careful to try not to make big decisions whilst he was on treatment about when / how we would move in together, because it was just so damn difficult to talk about the future. But as soon as it was finished our minds seemed to both move towards that idea quite quickly as something that seemed fun and exciting, and a bit of a fresh start for us.
An additional factor is that I don’t feel my current flatmate situation is the most amazing for me at the moment. It is not the main factor, but I’m noticing I feel guilty at the idea of leaving here because I think she’ll be very upset, and it’s making it hard to feel like I can make a clear decision. I’m sure I’m projecting some of my own fears onto the situation too, because of course my boyfriend could get sick again, or it could not work out and I would have given up a flat with a good friend, etc. And I do worry about his grumpiness, which at times can be really unfair and upsetting (but I think it’s been massively exacerbated by chemobrain, and seeing eachother so much over the last year – way way more than your average couple, as he’s not felt well enough to see most of this friends and has needed me to be around when he’s sick etc).
I'm living with a friend at the moment but things are not working out as well as I would have hoped. We moved in together in January with the explicit intention of having lots of fun together after we both had had crappy years. But my boyfriend's treatment didn't finish till May, and that was quite consuming, and her brother had a huge car accident in Feb which has left him brain dead. Then my dad found out he had lung cancer in May so there's been no care free time. We both have very different schedules so she's asleep most of the time when I get back in the evenings at 9pm, plus silly housemate tensions are building up which I don't have the energy to confront. I dont think she does either - we've both been givig each other slack as she has a difficult situation too.
I'm worried she'll be really upset if I move out. She was very keen on living with me, which means that she pays quite a bit more than I do and I feel I can't complain too much about the fact I just can't get a good night's sleep because of various sources of noise, including our very different schedules, as she seems to take it personally. She loves her room, which is tonnes bigger than mine (I've had to downsize massively) and she keeps hinting I just need to get rid of even more stuff which kinda annoys me (I’ve gotten rid of so so much). She also doesn't have the noise issues. I've had a handful of good night's sleep while I've been here, because of the guy upstairs and his creaky floorboards / weird schedule/ very loud snoring, my housemate's schedule (she can't open a cupboard in the kitchen without me waking up, and she has refused me buying a kettle and toaster for living room which means she often eats breakfast out which makes me feel a bit bad) and also the ridiculously loud birds outside (have tried every ear plug under the sun). This massively affects my mental health and productivity at work. It's also a bit too far out here - sounds silly but going from a 5 min walk to the tube to a twenty min walk in this place feels like a lot.
I also find the intensity a bit much - you can't relax in the same way you do with a partner. And I need a different kind of privacy and support at the moment now my dad is ill, the kind that my boyfriend can give me but which I feel unable to get from this friend. And I think she would like to spend a lot more time chilling and being close - she's a lesbian and prior to this lived with a woman in a relationship, which I think influences things a bit as she didn't have any time on her own.
My boyfriend si re-joining college in October (he was halfway through a masters) which should be a good gentle introduction back into the real world. It will also mean he works late and gives me a bit more space than what I feel I get here. He plans on starting to earn proper money after that, and I think his prospects are good (his salary wasn't bad before), so whereas I would pay more for the rent for a period, it wouldn't be forever (I can afford more than he can, though I'm still not rich - enough for a one bed flat somewhere potentially closer to my dad).
Obviously I have fears. Fears about him getting sick again, fears that I should stay here and try and have fun with my flatmate...but that's not worked out as well as it could have....We do have some nice times, but they are still few and far between and nothing we couldn't do as friends out of the flat.
My boyfriend and I are are eachothers' best friends, and still have fun despite all the shit that's been thrown towards us, although I won't pretend either of us are at our best at the moment - we're knackered.
I'm just worried because my boyfriend and I are in a delicate emotional state at the moment, and I don't want us to make the wrong decision, but, we are both in this for the long haul and we were going to live together at some point, and right now it just feels exciting to make this step. Are we being silly? Is this a terrible idea?
Okay the thing is, you say you could afford a one-bed flat closer to your dad, who is part of your own life.
The other thing is, previous questions have been about putting your own life on hold in order to care for your boyfriend, who you were desperate to move in with someday. Now "someday" has arrived and you're really excited, but I'm noticing this: He plans on starting to earn proper money after that, and I think his prospects are good (his salary wasn't bad before), so whereas I would pay more for the rent for a period, it wouldn't be forever (I can afford more than he can
So once again, you're entering into an arrangement whereby you pay more of the costs than he does, while betting on future potential for things becoming easier on you. This is easy to overlook because you seem to be finally, finally getting what you want (living together) but I'm afraid you're really just going to go up another rung on the ladder of serving your boyfriend's needs while waiting for your situation to improve.
Could he afford his rent on his own? If not, I think maybe it's his turn to put up with flatmates and your turn to move into your own space while focusing more on your own life and letting him fit into it, rather than the other way round.
posted by tel3path at 5:28 AM on August 8, 2016 [8 favorites]
The other thing is, previous questions have been about putting your own life on hold in order to care for your boyfriend, who you were desperate to move in with someday. Now "someday" has arrived and you're really excited, but I'm noticing this: He plans on starting to earn proper money after that, and I think his prospects are good (his salary wasn't bad before), so whereas I would pay more for the rent for a period, it wouldn't be forever (I can afford more than he can
So once again, you're entering into an arrangement whereby you pay more of the costs than he does, while betting on future potential for things becoming easier on you. This is easy to overlook because you seem to be finally, finally getting what you want (living together) but I'm afraid you're really just going to go up another rung on the ladder of serving your boyfriend's needs while waiting for your situation to improve.
Could he afford his rent on his own? If not, I think maybe it's his turn to put up with flatmates and your turn to move into your own space while focusing more on your own life and letting him fit into it, rather than the other way round.
posted by tel3path at 5:28 AM on August 8, 2016 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Can totally understand being suspicious of the money thing, but the fact of the matter is - he is not able to work properly at the moment because his body is so shot and is energy is so low. It would be a bad idea for him to go back into his old industry where there is pressure to work late - he literally wouldn't be able to, and his brain is operating at about 30% speed right now too. He needs a year to recuperate, so college seems like a good way to do that without ruining his professional repuation or getting fired. Financially, we've been mostly even since we started going out, despite the fact he's been a student / on benefits when he was sick. He's gone through his entire £15k of savings. I earn £40k so we're in very different positions. And there's not much he can do about that for a while, and I have also seen that it's very common for people to split rent proportionally. I was thinking of me paying, say, £600 a month and him paying £350.
I definitely couldn't afford a flat of my own. I want to be able to save a little too.
posted by starstarstar at 5:40 AM on August 8, 2016
I definitely couldn't afford a flat of my own. I want to be able to save a little too.
posted by starstarstar at 5:40 AM on August 8, 2016
And I think she would like to spend a lot more time chilling and being close - she's a lesbian and prior to this lived with a woman in a relationship, which I think influences things a bit as she didn't have any time on her own.
What? This is a weird calculation. Were I your roommate, I actively would not want you to live with me if you were making these sorts of assumptions.
posted by listen, lady at 5:43 AM on August 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
What? This is a weird calculation. Were I your roommate, I actively would not want you to live with me if you were making these sorts of assumptions.
posted by listen, lady at 5:43 AM on August 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Hmm, yes, that didn't come out right. What I mean is, I notice she wants to do so much stuff together and in such a way that we could almost be girlfriend and girlfriend - and I'm wondering whether going from one really close female relationship to living with another makes it easy to assume the next one will be similar.
posted by starstarstar at 5:52 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by starstarstar at 5:52 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm not saying that your continuing to support him is suspicious, I'm saying you need to be prepared for not getting what you want out of the situation since historically that's how this relationship has gone for you.
posted by tel3path at 5:56 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by tel3path at 5:56 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
One thing that I would want to think about before moving in--if your boyfriend will be starting his master's, will he need to be close to his classes/university? Is that location *also* convenient to your work and family? If you are both based on different sides of the city, I would wait to move in together since it's a temporary situation (until he gets his master's). If your boyfriend could move into the one-bedroom flat, you could stay over with him more and have more privacy with him, and maybe use his space for some downtime that you need and aren't getting with your current flatmate.
If you and your boyfriend did want to move in together soon, could it possibly work out for your current friend and housemate to move into the one-bedroom flat your boyfriend was offered (at a similar discounted rate)? Would the location make sense for your current housemate? Then you wouldn't have to feel so bad about leaving her without a flatmate, and you and your boyfriend could get a place together.
posted by shortyJBot at 6:15 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you and your boyfriend did want to move in together soon, could it possibly work out for your current friend and housemate to move into the one-bedroom flat your boyfriend was offered (at a similar discounted rate)? Would the location make sense for your current housemate? Then you wouldn't have to feel so bad about leaving her without a flatmate, and you and your boyfriend could get a place together.
posted by shortyJBot at 6:15 AM on August 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
In your descriptions of both your roommate relationship and your boyfriend relationship you seem to be taking on a lot of unnecessary responsibility. Sometimes that can be a temporary thing (somebody is sick). But sometimes it is an unhealthy relationship dynamic (someone is sick and for some reason you are the only person who can give them the support they need, and then when the illness ends another crisis looms and keeps you in that position).
You are not responsible for your roommate's social life. You are not responsible for your roommate's response to your own life decisions. You are not responsible for your boyfriend's financial situation. You are not responsible for your boyfriend's health. You *are* responsible for your own financial planning, career success, and health/rest.
Everyone in this situation is an adult, capable of making their own decisions and dealing with the consequences thereof. Burden-sharing is a give-and-take thing. Your boyfriend is well and your father is ill? That means it's time for your boyfriend to start taking care of you. You've used up all your personal leave at work to take him to appointments? Then it's on him to treat you to a massage or a weekend away. If it's not give-and-take, it's just martyrdom. Be careful you're not volunteering for that. Even the most well-meaning people will take advantage of you if you do.
posted by headnsouth at 6:30 AM on August 8, 2016 [18 favorites]
You are not responsible for your roommate's social life. You are not responsible for your roommate's response to your own life decisions. You are not responsible for your boyfriend's financial situation. You are not responsible for your boyfriend's health. You *are* responsible for your own financial planning, career success, and health/rest.
Everyone in this situation is an adult, capable of making their own decisions and dealing with the consequences thereof. Burden-sharing is a give-and-take thing. Your boyfriend is well and your father is ill? That means it's time for your boyfriend to start taking care of you. You've used up all your personal leave at work to take him to appointments? Then it's on him to treat you to a massage or a weekend away. If it's not give-and-take, it's just martyrdom. Be careful you're not volunteering for that. Even the most well-meaning people will take advantage of you if you do.
posted by headnsouth at 6:30 AM on August 8, 2016 [18 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks headnsouth, you've hit the nail on the head :) I've been very aware of the imbalance and taking steps to correct it. My boyfriend has too. He's been very much there for me with my dad, and he is currently planning a weekend away for me for my birthday. He's also taken on the planning and logistics for a trip to italy for a wedding which could otherwise have been fallen to me or been split between us. He's also been really encouraging for me to have alone time, see friends - do what I need to to be well. He's starting to come from quite a different place as to when he was ill, which is a great relief.
posted by starstarstar at 6:51 AM on August 8, 2016
posted by starstarstar at 6:51 AM on August 8, 2016
Why don't you stay in your flat with the less than ideal circumstances and your boyfriend move into the studio at a good rate and you spend a lot of time over there? It is a great way to delay the decision until better times.
posted by AugustWest at 7:12 AM on August 8, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 7:12 AM on August 8, 2016 [8 favorites]
I think he should take the studio and you should find something close to your dad. After everything your partner has been through, his energy is limited and the #1 priority should be school. The two of you should focus on the next year or so on bringing your relationship out of caretaker-patient mode before locking it down by moving in together. And you never sleep, you have to move somewhere you can sleep.
In a year (assuming he'll be more or less done with school then) you can reassess.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:54 AM on August 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
In a year (assuming he'll be more or less done with school then) you can reassess.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:54 AM on August 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
FWIW, I lived with my boyfriend (now long-distance fiancé) while he got his master's and I had a job and paid for all of our rent, and he "just" paid for our groceries, which was about a 4:1 rate in terms of cost. We had been together about two years when we moved in, and had plans to get married, but of course I (and my mother...) were worried about the financial imbalance. In the end, he - all law student - drew up a contract saying he'd pay me back what I spent extra in case we ever split up. It might sound silly to some people, but it gave me (and more so my mother) peace of mind that he really, really wasn't living with me just for the money (not that I ever suspected that) and that he was trying hard to be fair. Would that be something you could consider?
In the end, it looks like I'll be going back to school on his dime next year, so things balanced out quite nicely for us. I guess in a long-term relationship, give and take changes over time. But I definitely agree with the above posters that you should look after your own needs as well, especially now that you have had a very rough time. Sleep is important! If your roommate likes your noisy apartment, good for her, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it forever.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 9:30 AM on August 8, 2016
In the end, it looks like I'll be going back to school on his dime next year, so things balanced out quite nicely for us. I guess in a long-term relationship, give and take changes over time. But I definitely agree with the above posters that you should look after your own needs as well, especially now that you have had a very rough time. Sleep is important! If your roommate likes your noisy apartment, good for her, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it forever.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 9:30 AM on August 8, 2016
Why not wait? He only finished chemo four months ago (!!) and so you are only just starting to discover what your post-cancer relationship looks like. I am sure you got to know each other very deeply and intimately during his treatment, but (to echo Lyn Never) that doesn't mean you want to take the same relationship dynamic (which is, at least in part, a patient-caregiver dynamic) with you permanently into your future, right?
For instance: is it possible that, if you moved in together, you would default to being responsible for most or all the household arrangements, chores, etc. (in addition to bearing more than half the rent) given that your partner is still not in tip-top shape? Is this a dynamic you would be comfortable sustaining for the rest of your relationship? Because patterns like that, even with the best of intentions, can be really hard to break once they are established. Give him this opportunity to prove, to himself and to you, that he can figure out a way out of his housing predicament without you swooping in to save him, and I bet it will benefit your relationship in the long run. Give yourself a chance to be a regular girlfriend rather than a caregiver-girlfriend before you take things to the next level.
Waiting to move in with him doesn't mean you have to stay with your flatmate, either.
posted by Owl of Athena at 11:24 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
For instance: is it possible that, if you moved in together, you would default to being responsible for most or all the household arrangements, chores, etc. (in addition to bearing more than half the rent) given that your partner is still not in tip-top shape? Is this a dynamic you would be comfortable sustaining for the rest of your relationship? Because patterns like that, even with the best of intentions, can be really hard to break once they are established. Give him this opportunity to prove, to himself and to you, that he can figure out a way out of his housing predicament without you swooping in to save him, and I bet it will benefit your relationship in the long run. Give yourself a chance to be a regular girlfriend rather than a caregiver-girlfriend before you take things to the next level.
Waiting to move in with him doesn't mean you have to stay with your flatmate, either.
posted by Owl of Athena at 11:24 AM on August 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
right now it just feels exciting to make this step.
Great!!!
Are we being silly? Is this a terrible idea?
No, to both.
posted by chasles at 5:26 AM on August 8, 2016 [5 favorites]