Do I tell my daughter that her disowned grandmother remarried?
June 2, 2016 12:57 AM Subscribe
My ex-spouse broke all ties to their widowed mother a few years back. Since then, I've been the conduit for communication between Daughter (11 years old; lives with Ex; I have her for summers and some other holidays) and Grandma. This consists of birthday and Christmas cards and presents (Ex returns any mail from Grandma unopened, doesn't take calls, etc.). I talk to Daughter regularly via phone and text, and hold Grandma's presents and cards until she's at my house. We all live far enough apart that visits from Grandma aren't an issue.
So now, per the title, Grandma has remarried (she told me via a birthday card for me). Grandma hasn't asked me to tell Daughter, but it seems like a thing Daughter should know. I'll pick up Daughter next month for the summer -- should I tell her at that point, or before, or never, or...?
The break between Ex and Grandma was not because of abuse or anything significantly traumatic on either side; Ex and Grandma always had a strained relationship and there was a "last straw" sort of thing that was pretty minor. I don't have any particular relationship with Grandma besides parenting her grandchild. I have no desire to reconcile Ex and Grandma.
So now, per the title, Grandma has remarried (she told me via a birthday card for me). Grandma hasn't asked me to tell Daughter, but it seems like a thing Daughter should know. I'll pick up Daughter next month for the summer -- should I tell her at that point, or before, or never, or...?
The break between Ex and Grandma was not because of abuse or anything significantly traumatic on either side; Ex and Grandma always had a strained relationship and there was a "last straw" sort of thing that was pretty minor. I don't have any particular relationship with Grandma besides parenting her grandchild. I have no desire to reconcile Ex and Grandma.
Break the silence, give Grandma a call, congratulate her on her marriage and ask her how she'd like to share the good news with her granddaughter. Sounds like you're happy to pass on the news, but this sounds like a good opportunity to ask whether there is some other way of sharing the news? Would she like to meet up with granddaughter? Would she like to send her a card or letter announcing her new relationship? If not, you're probably on the hook for delivering the news, but I'd at least give her the opportunity to frame that conversation. No pressure. Do what feels right for you. This is not your responsibility.
posted by finding.perdita at 1:12 AM on June 2, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by finding.perdita at 1:12 AM on June 2, 2016 [18 favorites]
I can tell you as a person who was an 11 year old girl that unnecessary secrets were kept from, that it sucks to find out years after the fact. If Grandma is worth keeping in Daughter's life, then her news is worth sharing.
What's the risk in telling? Does ex know you are a conduit? If Ex knew would there be repercussions?
posted by b33j at 1:42 AM on June 2, 2016 [33 favorites]
What's the risk in telling? Does ex know you are a conduit? If Ex knew would there be repercussions?
posted by b33j at 1:42 AM on June 2, 2016 [33 favorites]
Your ex had pretty much full time custody of your kid. As this is not a question about going for custody I am assuming you trust them to raise your child. Your are under mining that and teaching your child lying to parents is ok. Grandma is showing a willingness to sneak around to keep access. Having dealt all my life with mentally abusive family members that outsiders insisted were harmless because no outward abuse they could see or understand, what you are doing horrifies me. Tell your daughter nothing, tell grandma nothing, Return presents and letters sent for your daughter.
No one breaks all contact worth their mother lightly, respect that. Or at least love your child enough not to put them alward situations that make them lie to their own mother.
posted by wwax at 2:42 AM on June 2, 2016 [10 favorites]
No one breaks all contact worth their mother lightly, respect that. Or at least love your child enough not to put them alward situations that make them lie to their own mother.
posted by wwax at 2:42 AM on June 2, 2016 [10 favorites]
The break between Ex and Grandma was not because of abuse or anything significantly traumatic on either side; Ex and Grandma always had a strained relationship and there was a "last straw" sort of thing that was pretty minor.
Hey, you know what you know, and I get that you and Ex aren't still together, but: whatever happened, it was major enough (maybe over time) that it really upset your ex. It may seem minor to you, but you definitely can't know the whole story. Parents who aren't good at being parents are a) surprisingly common, and b) no less insidiously damaging for that. And they are often great at being normal, warm, and likeable when they are not home alone with a child for years on end. You don't know. You can't know.
This may seem like a side issue, but if you're communicating with your daughter, your ex and her relationship with the grandmother is going to come up, and being dismissive of the issues between them is going to really affect your daughter -- and your daughter's own ability to take her own feelings and perceptions seriously, and her ability to stand up to the weird, subtle, but very real ways people can undermine each other by making them _doubt_ their own perceptions.
posted by amtho at 2:45 AM on June 2, 2016 [13 favorites]
Hey, you know what you know, and I get that you and Ex aren't still together, but: whatever happened, it was major enough (maybe over time) that it really upset your ex. It may seem minor to you, but you definitely can't know the whole story. Parents who aren't good at being parents are a) surprisingly common, and b) no less insidiously damaging for that. And they are often great at being normal, warm, and likeable when they are not home alone with a child for years on end. You don't know. You can't know.
This may seem like a side issue, but if you're communicating with your daughter, your ex and her relationship with the grandmother is going to come up, and being dismissive of the issues between them is going to really affect your daughter -- and your daughter's own ability to take her own feelings and perceptions seriously, and her ability to stand up to the weird, subtle, but very real ways people can undermine each other by making them _doubt_ their own perceptions.
posted by amtho at 2:45 AM on June 2, 2016 [13 favorites]
Who gives a shit? Seriously. Your kid won't care. Adults get married and un-married. If she's not going to see grandma, it's boring.
It would be a different story if grandma was dying or something, but a wedding? Nah. Not your business to tell your child. Please don't get involved. New spouse has zero importance or impact on kiddo and I think you need to keep out.
(I'd be furious at my ex if he did what you're doing by the way. Parent estrangement is not a light hearted easy decision and yes, the final straw might seem that way...but as someone who once had to choose that route for some time myself, I can assure you it wasn't done without enormous thought and knowing exactly the reasons and consequences and believing it was in the best interest of my own family. I have never communicated with anyone the full level of why I had to do it. But my partners have trusted my experience and judgement in this area. If you have not-dreadful parents, you can't even begin to imagine how big a deal it is to estrange oneself. It looks easy because the relief is immense. That doesn't mean it's trivial. Please see the difference.)
posted by taff at 3:01 AM on June 2, 2016 [27 favorites]
It would be a different story if grandma was dying or something, but a wedding? Nah. Not your business to tell your child. Please don't get involved. New spouse has zero importance or impact on kiddo and I think you need to keep out.
(I'd be furious at my ex if he did what you're doing by the way. Parent estrangement is not a light hearted easy decision and yes, the final straw might seem that way...but as someone who once had to choose that route for some time myself, I can assure you it wasn't done without enormous thought and knowing exactly the reasons and consequences and believing it was in the best interest of my own family. I have never communicated with anyone the full level of why I had to do it. But my partners have trusted my experience and judgement in this area. If you have not-dreadful parents, you can't even begin to imagine how big a deal it is to estrange oneself. It looks easy because the relief is immense. That doesn't mean it's trivial. Please see the difference.)
posted by taff at 3:01 AM on June 2, 2016 [27 favorites]
The OP hasn't stated they are holding mail/communication from the grandmother to the granddaughter either in secret or against the wishes of the ex-spouse. It is possible that the ex-spouse has given permission for this arrangement.
OP considering that a)grandmother told you in a birthday card for you b) summer vacation is upon us (in the northern hemisphere anyways) and c) grandmother has sent mail to granddaughter this is a problem that will likely solve itself in short order as soon as granddaughter opens the first piece of mail sent to her by grandmother post wedding.
If you don't normally communicate the happenings of the grandmother's life to granddaughter over the phone I'd just keep the secret until grandmother can tell granddaughter herself.
If your daughter depends on you for timely news about grandmother then I'd lean towards telling her right away.
posted by Mitheral at 3:13 AM on June 2, 2016 [12 favorites]
OP considering that a)grandmother told you in a birthday card for you b) summer vacation is upon us (in the northern hemisphere anyways) and c) grandmother has sent mail to granddaughter this is a problem that will likely solve itself in short order as soon as granddaughter opens the first piece of mail sent to her by grandmother post wedding.
If you don't normally communicate the happenings of the grandmother's life to granddaughter over the phone I'd just keep the secret until grandmother can tell granddaughter herself.
If your daughter depends on you for timely news about grandmother then I'd lean towards telling her right away.
posted by Mitheral at 3:13 AM on June 2, 2016 [12 favorites]
Tell her like this. Kid 'How's Grandma?' You: 'She's cool, she got married.'
posted by fixedgear at 3:32 AM on June 2, 2016 [22 favorites]
posted by fixedgear at 3:32 AM on June 2, 2016 [22 favorites]
As someone who casually found about about births, weddings, and death in the family long time after the fact - just tell the kid. Telling her now means it's not a big deal whereas if she finds out either a few years later or *decades later*, it will hurt & wound her that she was not told at the time.
fixedgear's script is great. Go for it.
posted by kariebookish at 4:33 AM on June 2, 2016 [15 favorites]
fixedgear's script is great. Go for it.
posted by kariebookish at 4:33 AM on June 2, 2016 [15 favorites]
Yes, I think a kid has a right to know basic details of their relatives. You don't have to make it more complicated than that though.
posted by miyabo at 5:07 AM on June 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by miyabo at 5:07 AM on June 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
If it seems to you like a thing your daughter should know about her own grandmother, and if your daughter has a positive relationship with her grandmother, then tell your daughter.
I grew up in a family full of secrets and lies of omission, and I didn't like it. In addition, I've cut off contact with a parent, and if I were sharing custody of my (hypothetical) kid with an ex, and my parent had a positive relationship with my kid, I would not object to a relationship between my kid and my parent. Including receiving news about life changes.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:25 AM on June 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
I grew up in a family full of secrets and lies of omission, and I didn't like it. In addition, I've cut off contact with a parent, and if I were sharing custody of my (hypothetical) kid with an ex, and my parent had a positive relationship with my kid, I would not object to a relationship between my kid and my parent. Including receiving news about life changes.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 5:25 AM on June 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
I can tell you as a person who was an 11 year old girl that unnecessary secrets were kept from, that it sucks to find out years after the fact.
yeah. my partner's family is like this (she found out just last year she has a step-sister!). seems like everyone is trying to get an edge on everyone else by not telling them stuff. it's weird, unpleasant, dysfunctional. just tell her.
posted by andrewcooke at 5:51 AM on June 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
yeah. my partner's family is like this (she found out just last year she has a step-sister!). seems like everyone is trying to get an edge on everyone else by not telling them stuff. it's weird, unpleasant, dysfunctional. just tell her.
posted by andrewcooke at 5:51 AM on June 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
My mom and her mother didn't get along a lot of the time and there were years when they didn't speak. My dad was the go between allowing me to still have contact with my grandma. Tell you daughter she remarried, but keep it casual. An 11 year might be slightly interested and have questions (is he my grandpa now? Why wasn't I a flower girl? etc.), but she also might not give it another thought.
posted by cecic at 5:56 AM on June 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by cecic at 5:56 AM on June 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
Tell her. She's not the reason for the family drama. Eventually, she'll find out anyway, and then you'll get an earful of "Why didn't you tell me?"
posted by Thorzdad at 6:05 AM on June 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 6:05 AM on June 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
My father and his father did not speak for 8 years. I was living with my mother and I spoke to my grandfather I would say 2 or 3 times a year during that period. This was not an issue for us kids, my father or his father. We had no beef with grandpa. My father knew and appreciated we had no beef.
I am with fixedgear. Tell her casually.
posted by AugustWest at 6:05 AM on June 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
I am with fixedgear. Tell her casually.
posted by AugustWest at 6:05 AM on June 2, 2016 [5 favorites]
Yeah. Just let her know. Grandma's remarried. Here's the photo.
In the U.S., a lot of states have grandparent rights, where grand oarental can get regular weekend visits, despite parents being estranged, so let's not bug OP for keeping this relationship alive.
posted by Kalmya at 6:13 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
In the U.S., a lot of states have grandparent rights, where grand oarental can get regular weekend visits, despite parents being estranged, so let's not bug OP for keeping this relationship alive.
posted by Kalmya at 6:13 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think it REALLY depends on whether or not your ex is on board with you sharing things from his mother. If he isn't, presumably that means you and the grandmother have charged your daughter with the responsibility of keeping all this Grandma-knowledge secret from the person she lives with most of the year, which sounds like it would be unfairly stressful for her. In that case I think you very much need to stop facilitating this go-around completely.
If your ex is aware of and not opposed to you sharing Grandma news, then yes, this is something you can share - casually, as fixedgear and others have already said.
If this seems like a facile answer, maybe it would help to think more about why you're hesitating over this piece of news in particular - what concerns do you have about this that you obviously haven't had over other things you've shared from the grandmother? Pinpointing those concerns might help you better figure out a way of addressing them, which in turn might help inform your decision in the first place.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:14 AM on June 2, 2016 [7 favorites]
If your ex is aware of and not opposed to you sharing Grandma news, then yes, this is something you can share - casually, as fixedgear and others have already said.
If this seems like a facile answer, maybe it would help to think more about why you're hesitating over this piece of news in particular - what concerns do you have about this that you obviously haven't had over other things you've shared from the grandmother? Pinpointing those concerns might help you better figure out a way of addressing them, which in turn might help inform your decision in the first place.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:14 AM on June 2, 2016 [7 favorites]
If you hold cards for your child to open, what if one of the cards was sharing the news of the marriage? If that is not an issue, I do not see how you casually telling her is any more of an issue. I add that I would tell her when you see her, not now unless she asks about grandma.
posted by AugustWest at 6:52 AM on June 2, 2016
posted by AugustWest at 6:52 AM on June 2, 2016
No one breaks all contact worth their mother lightly, respect that.
Just as a data point, three of my grandmother's four children have broken contact with her at some point in their adult lives over reasons that do not equal my grandmother being a monster: my uncle broke contact the first time because he was married to a woman who didn't like grandma, the second time because he had a heroin addiction and grandma wouldn't give him money. My aunt broke contact because she started seeing a therapist who was doing that false-memory thing (for example, he had my aunt convinced that she had been a very young child who suffered abuse during her own parents' divorce... but my aunt was 17 and living with relatives when her parents divorced), and contact resumed once she stopped seeing that therapist. My mom has broken contact with all of us because she has diagnosed but untreated mental illnesses and she thinks that we're all out to get her.
Someone breaking contact with their parent does not necessarily mean that the parent is a terrible person who doesn't deserve to have contact with a grandchild.
posted by palomar at 7:38 AM on June 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
Just as a data point, three of my grandmother's four children have broken contact with her at some point in their adult lives over reasons that do not equal my grandmother being a monster: my uncle broke contact the first time because he was married to a woman who didn't like grandma, the second time because he had a heroin addiction and grandma wouldn't give him money. My aunt broke contact because she started seeing a therapist who was doing that false-memory thing (for example, he had my aunt convinced that she had been a very young child who suffered abuse during her own parents' divorce... but my aunt was 17 and living with relatives when her parents divorced), and contact resumed once she stopped seeing that therapist. My mom has broken contact with all of us because she has diagnosed but untreated mental illnesses and she thinks that we're all out to get her.
Someone breaking contact with their parent does not necessarily mean that the parent is a terrible person who doesn't deserve to have contact with a grandchild.
posted by palomar at 7:38 AM on June 2, 2016 [3 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments deleted. AskMe isn't a space for back-and-forth debate/discussion among commenters.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:58 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:58 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Either you shouldn't be having any contact with this person at all, which I think is overly extreme under the circumstances, or contact is going to exist in some capacity and then I can't figure out why there'd be any reason not to say something about this. "Oh, your grandmother met someone and got married, isn't that nice."
I mean, I broke contact off with my dad for legitimate reasons in the years before he died, and I still can't figure out a way in which relaying a simple fact like this would be particularly hurtful for the grandchild, and the grandchild is your responsibility here. It's not like you're relaying something like "your grandmother has a drug addiction" or "your grandmother is going to prison" or something.
As far as timing, though, it also doesn't seem like it's worth bringing up before she comes to visit if they don't have a close enough relationship to be in personal contact. It's something she should know, it's not a secret, but it's hardly urgent news.
posted by Sequence at 8:19 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
I mean, I broke contact off with my dad for legitimate reasons in the years before he died, and I still can't figure out a way in which relaying a simple fact like this would be particularly hurtful for the grandchild, and the grandchild is your responsibility here. It's not like you're relaying something like "your grandmother has a drug addiction" or "your grandmother is going to prison" or something.
As far as timing, though, it also doesn't seem like it's worth bringing up before she comes to visit if they don't have a close enough relationship to be in personal contact. It's something she should know, it's not a secret, but it's hardly urgent news.
posted by Sequence at 8:19 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yes, you should tell her. Doesn't have to be a big thing. Just passing on the news. This delightful girl will sooner than you think be processing her life all by herself and she deserves to know what's going on with her family so she can deal with it on her own terms. You're not causing drama by passing on facts.
posted by h00py at 8:24 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by h00py at 8:24 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'd casually mention it, if only to avoid the confusion of your daughter receiving a card signed by grandma and "grandpa total stranger".
posted by galvanized unicorn at 8:38 AM on June 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by galvanized unicorn at 8:38 AM on June 2, 2016 [4 favorites]
"Hey next time you send grandma a thank you note or card, make sure you also tell her congratulations, sounds like she got married." I don't understand why this is any kind of secret.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:15 AM on June 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:15 AM on June 2, 2016 [6 favorites]
Your ex had pretty much full time custody of your kid.... Your are under mining that and teaching your child lying to parents is ok.
Just a differing perspective on this. Custody arrangements like this one are not uncommon where the parents live far apart and does not translate to me into "full custody" Also in my opinion not passing on information that you have is lying by omission and the lesson is "It's okay for me to maintain whatever drama ex has with their mom into my relationship with my child and their grandparent"
You've made your independent assessment about whether you think the Grandma is in some way a threat or a danger to your child and you've decided no. Your child has two parents. Unless there is a specific thing in the custody arrangement that says you need to maintain some sort of non-relationship with this grandparent (who as some people point out has their own rights in the situation) it's totally fine for you to tell your daughter and not make a big deal out of it. I'd also suggest calling the grandparent to say "Hey congrats" and opening up some lines of communications there. Adults can make the choices they want to make about who they want to interact with as your ex has but you can also pass on news of YOUR life and the lives of people in your daughter's life because you are her parent and your ex doesn't get to make those decisions for you.
posted by jessamyn at 9:59 AM on June 2, 2016 [8 favorites]
Just a differing perspective on this. Custody arrangements like this one are not uncommon where the parents live far apart and does not translate to me into "full custody" Also in my opinion not passing on information that you have is lying by omission and the lesson is "It's okay for me to maintain whatever drama ex has with their mom into my relationship with my child and their grandparent"
You've made your independent assessment about whether you think the Grandma is in some way a threat or a danger to your child and you've decided no. Your child has two parents. Unless there is a specific thing in the custody arrangement that says you need to maintain some sort of non-relationship with this grandparent (who as some people point out has their own rights in the situation) it's totally fine for you to tell your daughter and not make a big deal out of it. I'd also suggest calling the grandparent to say "Hey congrats" and opening up some lines of communications there. Adults can make the choices they want to make about who they want to interact with as your ex has but you can also pass on news of YOUR life and the lives of people in your daughter's life because you are her parent and your ex doesn't get to make those decisions for you.
posted by jessamyn at 9:59 AM on June 2, 2016 [8 favorites]
These are the questions I would have in your shoes:
Will telling Daughter news about Ex-Mother-In-Law make things difficult or uncomfortable for Daughter while she is living with Ex-Spouse?
If so, can she handle not talking about it when she is at home with Ex-Spouse?
If the answer to the first question is No and the answer to the second is yes, then I think it's OK to tell her. I don't think there's one proper answer to your question; it's more based on the personal dynamics between Daughter, Ex-Mother-in-Law, and Ex-Spouse, as well as their respective personalities, the child's maturity, etc.
Here's my perspective as an estranged daughter. My father's entire extended family cut all ties with us when he left. Over the years, I have appreciated hearing the occasional bit of news about them over the grapevine. However, I didn't have the added stress that I'm (possibly erroneously?) sensing might be present if the subject of the estranged relative came up in conversation.
I agree with others that Ex-Mother-in-Law may have already broken the news in a card to Daughter the same way she did with you, or is planning to. If you're in contact it couldn't hurt to ask.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:15 AM on June 2, 2016
Will telling Daughter news about Ex-Mother-In-Law make things difficult or uncomfortable for Daughter while she is living with Ex-Spouse?
If so, can she handle not talking about it when she is at home with Ex-Spouse?
If the answer to the first question is No and the answer to the second is yes, then I think it's OK to tell her. I don't think there's one proper answer to your question; it's more based on the personal dynamics between Daughter, Ex-Mother-in-Law, and Ex-Spouse, as well as their respective personalities, the child's maturity, etc.
Here's my perspective as an estranged daughter. My father's entire extended family cut all ties with us when he left. Over the years, I have appreciated hearing the occasional bit of news about them over the grapevine. However, I didn't have the added stress that I'm (possibly erroneously?) sensing might be present if the subject of the estranged relative came up in conversation.
I agree with others that Ex-Mother-in-Law may have already broken the news in a card to Daughter the same way she did with you, or is planning to. If you're in contact it couldn't hurt to ask.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:15 AM on June 2, 2016
I'm sorry, it's not clear from your question whether your Ex is aware of the relationship that you are facilitating between Daughter and Grandma. If Ex is NOT aware....then I think the bigger question is how you are going to tell Ex about it and disentangle yourself from this mess.
posted by barnoley at 10:27 AM on June 2, 2016
posted by barnoley at 10:27 AM on June 2, 2016
Does your ex understand that his daughter sees her grandmother? Has he asked the courts to limit his mother's visitations with his daughter? It may be worthwhile (for your own information) to have some conversations with members of his side of the family to see how deep this difficulty runs. Is it just him?--or do others in his family have issues with his mother?
Holding her mail to give to your daughter might be uncomfortable, but I can't think why it might be wrong. Maybe you could discuss this with her, just to clear the air. You probably have zero desire to arbitrate issues between her and her son, but you may find it useful, for your daughter's sake, to understand how she feels about it. It would help if you and ex-spouse could get on the same page--see that he acknowledges his mother's visits with his child.
The core issue is your daughter's relationship with her grandmother. Unless court actions are in play, some states consider visitations by a grandparent to be a prerogative. I know one case in California where a grandmother was awarded specific terms of visitations after her daughter refused to let her see her two granddaughters.
I can't imagine ex-spouse satisfactorily explaining this alienation to his daughter, but you may need to have an operating premise to fall back on if your daughter asks you about it. The simplest response is probably best: "I don't know why, honey, but I know they both love you very much."
As for the telling your daughter about the wedding, simply ask ex-mother-in-law if she prefers you wait, so she could your daughter about the wedding herself. Other than that, I can't see how any conversations you have with your daughter about grandmother should be off limits. Divorce wasn't meant to be between daughter and grandmother. I have issues with purposely keeping the visits a secret from your ex, but I don't see why you need to inform him about the wedding.
Good on you for seeking out the decent paths.
I'm thinking that divorces never really end things between spouses. Children forge lifelong links, and time is a bastard about reminding you of the connections.
posted by mule98J at 11:32 AM on June 2, 2016
Holding her mail to give to your daughter might be uncomfortable, but I can't think why it might be wrong. Maybe you could discuss this with her, just to clear the air. You probably have zero desire to arbitrate issues between her and her son, but you may find it useful, for your daughter's sake, to understand how she feels about it. It would help if you and ex-spouse could get on the same page--see that he acknowledges his mother's visits with his child.
The core issue is your daughter's relationship with her grandmother. Unless court actions are in play, some states consider visitations by a grandparent to be a prerogative. I know one case in California where a grandmother was awarded specific terms of visitations after her daughter refused to let her see her two granddaughters.
I can't imagine ex-spouse satisfactorily explaining this alienation to his daughter, but you may need to have an operating premise to fall back on if your daughter asks you about it. The simplest response is probably best: "I don't know why, honey, but I know they both love you very much."
As for the telling your daughter about the wedding, simply ask ex-mother-in-law if she prefers you wait, so she could your daughter about the wedding herself. Other than that, I can't see how any conversations you have with your daughter about grandmother should be off limits. Divorce wasn't meant to be between daughter and grandmother. I have issues with purposely keeping the visits a secret from your ex, but I don't see why you need to inform him about the wedding.
Good on you for seeking out the decent paths.
I'm thinking that divorces never really end things between spouses. Children forge lifelong links, and time is a bastard about reminding you of the connections.
posted by mule98J at 11:32 AM on June 2, 2016
I think this depends entirely on how much your daughter's grandmother is in her life. Do they talk on the phone or skype? Does your daughter otherwise know the goings on of her grandmother's life? A marriage is kind of an odd grey area, because it's a momentous life event, but if your daughter's relationship with her is purely receiving an annual birthday card and Christmas present, it doesn't seem especially relevant. What other kinds of information are usually conveyed in the card? Is it a long personal letter, or just signed "Love, Grandma"? Does she know other basic life details about Grandma, like where she lives, what she does for a job/for fun in her retirement, etc?
If they have a relatively close relationship but don't physically see each other because of distance, I'd err on the side of telling. Because hiding things from kids that age is messed up. If this is literally a "don't spend it all in one place! love, Nana" type of thing, it seems like you're going out of your way to insert the grandmother into your daughter's life against your ex's wishes.
posted by Sara C. at 11:55 AM on June 2, 2016
If they have a relatively close relationship but don't physically see each other because of distance, I'd err on the side of telling. Because hiding things from kids that age is messed up. If this is literally a "don't spend it all in one place! love, Nana" type of thing, it seems like you're going out of your way to insert the grandmother into your daughter's life against your ex's wishes.
posted by Sara C. at 11:55 AM on June 2, 2016
I can't envision a situation where being a conduit for grandma's missives would be okay, but mentioning grandma's wedding isn't.
Your daughter already has some kind of system in place as to what she tells her other parent about grandma's cards. Grandma's news will be handled the same way. It's not going to change anything.
In general: If she's keeping grandma a secret, that's pretty damaging for a kid. Makes her feel duplicitous and kind of split up inside. Ask me how I know.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your daughter already has some kind of system in place as to what she tells her other parent about grandma's cards. Grandma's news will be handled the same way. It's not going to change anything.
In general: If she's keeping grandma a secret, that's pretty damaging for a kid. Makes her feel duplicitous and kind of split up inside. Ask me how I know.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:11 PM on June 2, 2016 [2 favorites]
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posted by zippy at 1:04 AM on June 2, 2016 [1 favorite]