How do you know it's the right time to have a baby?

February 28, 2016 1:35 AM

I am 29, my husband is 38. I have a year left in my technical program. In the past few months I've felt like I NEED NEED NEED A BABY. I can't decide if we should go for it or wait a year.

It is the weirdest thing. It all started when I held my one-year-old nephew and I was like flooded with an urge to SQUEEZE PROTECT KEEP. Now whenever I think about a baby my chest tightens. It's gotten to the point where I feel like my life is not right because there is not a baby in it. And it's not just babies either, lately when I see awkward pre-teen boys I think about what it would take to be a mom to them.

Relevant information:
1. We have saved up a down payment and are planning to start the process of buying a house this summer.
2. My husband is 110% on board to try now, but is definitely willing to wait as long as I need to.
3. My program ends in December, then I need to pass the boards. There are lots of job opportunities where I am.
4. We don't have a lot of money, nor will we ever have a lot of money. This is what worries me the most. Combined, we'll be bringing in $75,000.
4a. My car is a 14 year old subaru and the window is held up with duct tape. It's something I don't care about now, but I wish I had a nicer car for my future baby. What I'm saying is, we don't make much now but we save money in tons of ways. Are there places where we are scrimping now (cars) where parents really should not scrimp, and I don't realize it yet? Another example is, we keep the heat in the 50s to save money now. I just realized that you probably can't do that when you have a baby. Now I worry that I will inadvertently kill my baby.

I'm struggling with: If I get pregnant now I will have the baby in December, then I will need to take time off before I start a new job. Is this a good idea? I'm thinking it might be good because then I can take the boards and stay at home with the baby, then start work.

I'm also worried that I could have the baby during finals week.

The reason why I don't want to wait until I'm done with my program is because my husband is a lot older than me, and I want to start having kids while he is still young (and so does he).

My husband wants a baby so so bad and I do too. Should we just go for it? Or should I wait until I'm done with school?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

You seem like you're in an awesome position to have a baby... But you really can't predict exactly when a baby's going to show up, they might come early or late, it might take a while or no time at all. For that reason alone, I'd personally wait until you will definitely be finished in your program by the time you have the baby. If you wait a couple more months (and I know the feeling of now now now from last year!) you can save up some money, make plans toward your house (and get some adult time!) and be in a fab position.
posted by threetwentytwo at 2:26 AM on February 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

Some people get pregnant right away when they start trying, but it can also take a long time. You really don't know which category you're going to be in until you start. Something else to think about is that my friends tell me pregnancy brain is a real thing sometimes, where it's harder to focus on things outside of the baby and getting ready for the baby, and also that being very pregnant is often physically uncomfortable, which means I, personally, would not want to be studying for any kind of board exam while very pregnant.

So, if I were you, I'd wait until at least the fall to start trying. In the meantime, you can both go to the doctor and get basic physical check-ups and tell them you're going to start trying to have a family soon. If the doctors find any health things that you should work on, you can start working on them now, rather than in a year when you're really ready to just start trying already!
posted by colfax at 2:41 AM on February 28, 2016 [16 favorites]

Were it me, I'd wait until June to start trying. It's only a few months, but no you do not want to bet your boards -- and your career, and your ability to support your family -- on not going into labor. Additionally, you do not want to be enormously pregnant while taking your exams. Sitting for that long could be a problem in itself. Studying could be a problem. Bedrest could be a problem.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:15 AM on February 28, 2016 [7 favorites]

Go! My strongest regret is that I didn't have a baby while I was finishing school. It's the perfect time. It would have saved my marriage. It would not have influenced my work-situation in any negative way.
posted by mumimor at 4:38 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Start the process now! I would make an appointment to see your obgyn on Monday. Tell her you want to start trying. The recommendation is to take prenatal vitamins for two months before convincing. You can discuss any other considerations your situation has for health and all of the genetic testing you may or may not want before baby or after conception. After those two months I would start trying. There is no perfect time to try between school/car/I just started a new job. Younger is better for trying. I know lots of people who got pregnant the first month and lots who took two years. I would not wait beyond a doctor's appointment.
posted by Kalmya at 4:52 AM on February 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

I wonder if you have summer classes in your program. You see, the first trimester can be very, very rough (ask me how I know!), so studying or attending class would be extraordinarily difficult. Of course, there are all sorts of scenarios that could happen, so you might choose to shrug your shoulders and dive in anyway, but if you could time, say, weeks 6ish-14ish with a summer break, that would lower some risks regarding school.
posted by katie at 5:14 AM on February 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

There's never "the right time" to have a baby--there's always going to be some reason it'll be a bit easier a bit later. So instead of comparing time X to time Y, I'd just compare "baby if you conceived now" to "not conceiving now." It sounds like both you and your husband are really clear on that comparison. Congratulations!
posted by cogitron at 5:53 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Babies come when they are ready. You may as well start making yourself welcoming to the possibility now and see what happens.
posted by myselfasme at 6:07 AM on February 28, 2016

I think you need to think about what the demands on you are going to be for the next couple of years.

Does your program require a lot of classroom time or a lot of work or clinical experience? How physically demanding will the job be?

How hard will boards be? Do you anticipate needing a lot of uninterrupted time to study, or do most people pass them without difficulty?

Are you ok with the idea of being pregnant during your first year at a new job? If you're in the US, you won't be eligible for FMLA till you've been there a year--Is that a problem?

It sounds like you're both excited to be parents and you're on the same page fr a timeline, and that's 90% of it.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 6:57 AM on February 28, 2016

A new baby is very difficult. Harder than you think. Plans you make before baby arrives will be destroyed or altered beyond recognition.

That's OK. Start trying now. Just be prepared to adapt.
posted by mattu at 7:21 AM on February 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

Well, I'm no baby expert but the issue that I would suggest thinking over is if you had the baby now but had pregnancy complications, would this still work? What happens if the baby is preterm? Would you still be able to complete the program if you were put on bed rest/reduced activity? This seems like a situation where "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is key.
posted by fox problems at 7:22 AM on February 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Anecdote: My daughter was in a graduate program. Looking around at the experience of the grad students around her, she decided that grad school was a good time to be pregnant/have a baby because of the generally flexible schedules. She became pregnant. With twins! Due the threat of premature labor she had to drop a couple of her courses and spend the last trimester on the sofa. She skipped the next semester to care for two infants, and finally finished her program a year and a half late.

So, yes, the risk to any schedule is great. But the outcome was good. And it works out more smoothly for a lot of people.
posted by SemiSalt at 7:49 AM on February 28, 2016

Just two thoughts:
1. There will never be a perfect time.
2. Cars are the best thing to scrimp on, as long as they are running and safe.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:42 AM on February 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

DISCLAIMER: I am a dude; all of the following is derived from observation. But I'm a dad, so these observations are hopefully grounded in fact.

Notice how the anecdata in your thread is all over the map? People are different and have different and have varying degrees of baby-tolerance, and babies vary wildly according to how hard they are to care for.

So maybe you have an easy baby and your brain works well postpartum? Then boards and new job are a piece of cake! Or perhaps you have a difficult pregnancy, a baby with fragile health, and serious postpartum depression? No way to tell ahead of time.

We timed BLF Jr. very carefully. Ms. BLF was incredibly functional during pregnancy, but I am glad beyond words that she works in education and had all of her family leave + all of summer vacation to recover. It would have been a bad scene, otherwise.

So I would say: visit your obgyn, get on prenatals, and spend some quality time with your partner and your calendar.
posted by BrunoLatourFanclub at 8:46 AM on February 28, 2016 [4 favorites]

We waited until it was the perfect time, then it turned out I was infertile and it took us another two years. Now we're two years behind schedule and I feel a lot of regret for not starting sooner. So go now!
posted by sock puppet du jour at 9:22 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

My source: just had my first baby. This is a very exciting time in your life! I'm already happy for you about what's next!

Just based on my experience alone, if I were you, I'd spend now through December prepping for being pregnant. See your primary care doctor and let him or her know you're planning on getting pregnant soon. Read books on conception and pregnancy. I highly recommend Take Charge of Your Fertility. Look into what your health insurance will cover for prenatal care and childbirth, and put aside some money to cover your out-of-pocket charges. Figure out how long both of you will have for parental leave, and whether it's paid or not, and what you will plan on based on that. Find an OB/GYN you really like. Think about what your childcare needs will be after the baby is born and start looking at those options. Do the kind of travel that's hard to do with kids. Enjoy junk food and alcohol over the holidays (if you do the holidays) and then start trying.

But that's just one opinion.
posted by Pearl928 at 10:11 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

You won't kill a baby. You might however kill your carefully-crafted budget if seems to compromise your baby's well-being at all. My mom also generally keeps her thermostat around 50, barely high enough to keep the pipes from freezing, but her house is downright balmy every time we visit with the baby and she's still constantly fretting about drafts that don't even exist. So okay, probably 50s is a bit low for an infant to be comfortable on its own, but the car is no big deal as long as it has functional seatbelts in the back and isn't going to literally fall apart on the road.

Do think about healthcare for the kiddo though; our pediatrician would be several hundred dollars to see without insurance, and even with a perfectly healthy baby you need to go every couple of months for at least the first year. Not to mention, we had a mandatory NICU stay that ran over $30k for four uneventful days. I don't mean to scare you but it was very, very nice to already know that we had savings sufficient for top-of-the-line insurance that would just wipe that bill out. However, $75k really seems like it should get you farther than you imply, so I'm not sure I understand where you're picking up expenses unless the housing market is just miserable where you're at. It seems like you must have already trimmed any fat if you're down to duct-taping the car, but maybe reexamine things and see if there isn't another leak somewhere that could be tightened up.
posted by teremala at 10:17 AM on February 28, 2016

Just go for it. The most important preparation for having a baby is both parents wanting to have a baby. Sure you may screw it up, but you could prepare for 7 more years and screw it up anyway. At least that's my overtired thinking on it as I stare at my 4 day old kid right now 😎.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:49 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

If I were you, I would plan to wait a few months to start trying so that the earliest you could have a baby is about a month after your program ends. And then I would start trying immediately despite that plan, because once you get that "need a baby" feeling it's so hard to resist.
posted by chickenmagazine at 10:55 AM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Wait a few more months at least. Don't risk being in your 3rd trimester while writing exams... Frankly I'm 11 weeks and already have problems sitting for more than an hour or two at a time.
posted by lizbunny at 1:03 PM on February 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

When discussing pregnancy, my doctor was pretty insistent on taking folate early, at least a month or two before actual pregnancy, as all the protective effects are in the first few weeks of pregnancy, before you technically know you're pregnant. I also just finished brutal exams that would have killed me if I was pregnant. So... I say wait just a few weeks to stock up on folic acid and make sure you're not more than say, six months pregnant for exam time. Then you should be golden on all counts.
posted by tatiana131 at 1:44 PM on February 28, 2016

We have about the same combined household income. It's just me working, and we have two kids. We keep costs down by renting (housing is expensive here) and by not taking out any loans - our car is paid off. And we only have the one car which is used just for groceries and ferrying the kids to school in the winter. I work from home and walk or ride my bike anywhere I need to go.

So what I am saying is figure out how much money you need to achieve your financial goals. See what is absolutely necessary, and things you can do without. Do you really need a new car? Get rid of cable, landline, etc.
posted by My Dad at 2:50 PM on February 28, 2016

I'd wait a few months - it will make no difference in terms of your husband's age or your fertility, but it will avoid the risk of complicated timings. For example, what if you get pregnant, first month trying, with twins? What if you get pregnant first month trying, then you have a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy... or a premature baby? What if you get a reasonably common pregnancy ailment called symphisis pubis dysfunction and become temporarily semi-crippled?

While it's true it's 'never the right time', if it's a matter of just a few months, then wait. IME it's much much better to go into parenthood with minimum of stress & as much support, stability & resources as you can reasonably muster.

Also voting for for Taking Charge of Your Fertility - fantastic book and good basis for 'preparation' without disappearing down too many rabbit holes.
posted by 8k at 9:44 PM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm another one of those people who tried to time it perfectly and it took me two years (I have experienced the chest tightness!!). But I still think you should do the prenatals for two months before starting to try. The anxiety you're feeling now about your baby would be amplified exponentially if your due date is anywhere near your finals or board exam.

No, there's hardly ever a perfect time to have a baby but that doesn't mean it makes sense to start trying at a time that would specifically be terrible. Best of luck, you're gonna be fine. And consider therapy before your baby arrives. Being scared you are going to kill your theoretical baby is pretty intense and I think it would help to talk to someone about it. And don't worry about your car. Your baby doesn't care about your car and won't remember it in the least. As far as the heating, temps in the 50s will not kill your baby (read and learn!). All you have to do is dress them warmly for bed, just like adults.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:58 PM on February 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Mod note: From the OP:

Thanks for all of the advice. We've decided to start trying in June and I bought a bottle of prenatal vitamins last night. So exciting!!!!!

posted by taz (staff) at 6:44 AM on February 29, 2016 [2 favorites]