Should I tell her my feelings?
December 16, 2005 8:53 PM Subscribe
Should I or shouldn’t I? I’ve known this girl for about six years, and we have always been really good friends. Trouble is I like her and don’t know if I should tell her or not. And, as always there’s more to this…
We’ve known each other since the beginning of college, some six years ago, and always got along really well, we have the same sense of humor, and generally the same outlook on life. Throughout this time both of us have had boy/girlfriends and have always just been friends, albeit good ones. We went on holiday for two weeks together over the summer and got on really well, but nothing happened.
To complicate this, apart from a year at college we’ve never actually lived in the same town, or even country. She lives in Boston, MA, and I lived in Edinburgh, UK and am currently working for six months in Delhi, India. I’m hoping to move to the US next fall, and hope to see her in May but wonder, should I tell her my feelings towards her, or should I just leave it as friends and see what happens?
I guess the reason I’ve never told her is that I’m frightened of loosing a friend, but the not knowing is driving me crazy. What should I do? Should I tell her or not? And if I do, what’s a neat, non-freaky way of doing it?
We’ve known each other since the beginning of college, some six years ago, and always got along really well, we have the same sense of humor, and generally the same outlook on life. Throughout this time both of us have had boy/girlfriends and have always just been friends, albeit good ones. We went on holiday for two weeks together over the summer and got on really well, but nothing happened.
To complicate this, apart from a year at college we’ve never actually lived in the same town, or even country. She lives in Boston, MA, and I lived in Edinburgh, UK and am currently working for six months in Delhi, India. I’m hoping to move to the US next fall, and hope to see her in May but wonder, should I tell her my feelings towards her, or should I just leave it as friends and see what happens?
I guess the reason I’ve never told her is that I’m frightened of loosing a friend, but the not knowing is driving me crazy. What should I do? Should I tell her or not? And if I do, what’s a neat, non-freaky way of doing it?
Wait, you're in India now, and she's in Boston? Definitely don't say anything now. There's nothing you can do about it for a while anyway, so why try to figure out the situation from afar? Bite your tongue, and once you're in the same city or at least country, hang out with her more, go out for drinks, spend lots of time together, take little trips, and if it happens, it will do so organically.
This business of being "true to your heart" gets kind of selfish - because then, the pressure is on her to deal with this old friend-turned-wannabe-lover. IMHO, that gets annoying. Do the valiant thing, stick it out while you're not even physically around each other, and give it a chance to happen through mutual desire.
If you've *always* felt this way, well, I suppose you can go for it -- there is, of course, always a chance she's always felt this way too, and just hasn't had the guts to do anything about it. I'd still be tempted to say wait until you're with her, because just about every relationship that *starts* long-distance gets irreparably screwed in some key way.
Have you talked with any of your mutual friends about it? One that might be loyal to you, but know her heart as well? You can't have one that will go blabbing it around to everyone, but there has to be someone that would know if you're aiming for a pie in the sky or if it seems likely. That could help you sort out some of it too. Good luck!
posted by fionab at 9:29 PM on December 16, 2005
This business of being "true to your heart" gets kind of selfish - because then, the pressure is on her to deal with this old friend-turned-wannabe-lover. IMHO, that gets annoying. Do the valiant thing, stick it out while you're not even physically around each other, and give it a chance to happen through mutual desire.
If you've *always* felt this way, well, I suppose you can go for it -- there is, of course, always a chance she's always felt this way too, and just hasn't had the guts to do anything about it. I'd still be tempted to say wait until you're with her, because just about every relationship that *starts* long-distance gets irreparably screwed in some key way.
Have you talked with any of your mutual friends about it? One that might be loyal to you, but know her heart as well? You can't have one that will go blabbing it around to everyone, but there has to be someone that would know if you're aiming for a pie in the sky or if it seems likely. That could help you sort out some of it too. Good luck!
posted by fionab at 9:29 PM on December 16, 2005
I've had this happen twice. In both cases I had been very close friends with the girls in question and in both cases our friendship suffered after my coming forward. Yeah, I got rejected, but in the end it was probably worth it. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I didn't even try.
I don't want to discourage you from trying and purephase is right, you only live once. But, be prepared for that awkwardness that comes afterwards if she doesn't feel the same way. I dont think there is any way to avoid it.
How do you usually know that someone is interested in you? Have you felt any of that with this girl? If nothing happened during the two week holiday could it mean that she really is not interested? Look in her eyes, is there a spark?
So, weigh the value of the friendship, the need for something more, and the chances of success. Good Luck!
posted by Binliner at 9:34 PM on December 16, 2005
I don't want to discourage you from trying and purephase is right, you only live once. But, be prepared for that awkwardness that comes afterwards if she doesn't feel the same way. I dont think there is any way to avoid it.
How do you usually know that someone is interested in you? Have you felt any of that with this girl? If nothing happened during the two week holiday could it mean that she really is not interested? Look in her eyes, is there a spark?
So, weigh the value of the friendship, the need for something more, and the chances of success. Good Luck!
posted by Binliner at 9:34 PM on December 16, 2005
Wait until you are physically around her, you'll have so much more feedback to go on other then her voice over the phone.
Once you are around her start moving in direction you want to go, and see how she responds. And if it doesn't go well - it is always much easier to recover your standing in person. Over the phone it would be awkward silences and mms and hrmss. At least in person you can quickly dismiss the whole subject if she obviously isn't into it.
posted by bigmusic at 9:35 PM on December 16, 2005
Once you are around her start moving in direction you want to go, and see how she responds. And if it doesn't go well - it is always much easier to recover your standing in person. Over the phone it would be awkward silences and mms and hrmss. At least in person you can quickly dismiss the whole subject if she obviously isn't into it.
posted by bigmusic at 9:35 PM on December 16, 2005
What purephase said. I can't say as to when would be appropriate, but you've got to air your feelings. Different people are different, but with friends I've kept for six years I generally feel enough of a bond that whatever awkwardness might be created by them telling me they're into me would pass momentarily. Two key caveats though:
1) creepy to do if I were in a relationship at the time - so if you think she might end up in one by the time you're in the US, it might be a good idea to tell the girl now
2) Bad if done in anything other than a casual and straightforward way.
If someone IMd me with a statement "hey, just thought you should know, I'm really into you. Want to try dating?" it'd be way cooler than any sort of romantic gesture - because I'd interpret any romantic gesture coming out of the blue as "over the top." Also, via IM there's a certain distance that allows for considered, and sometimes more deep, revelations than in person. Aaaand then again, you saying something out of the blue if/when the two of you hadn't talked for more than a couple of days would fall under 2) above, indicating you're being too intense which would make me wonder, "why has he been holding back?" But, I don't know the girl, and everyone's different.
posted by lorrer at 9:41 PM on December 16, 2005
1) creepy to do if I were in a relationship at the time - so if you think she might end up in one by the time you're in the US, it might be a good idea to tell the girl now
2) Bad if done in anything other than a casual and straightforward way.
If someone IMd me with a statement "hey, just thought you should know, I'm really into you. Want to try dating?" it'd be way cooler than any sort of romantic gesture - because I'd interpret any romantic gesture coming out of the blue as "over the top." Also, via IM there's a certain distance that allows for considered, and sometimes more deep, revelations than in person. Aaaand then again, you saying something out of the blue if/when the two of you hadn't talked for more than a couple of days would fall under 2) above, indicating you're being too intense which would make me wonder, "why has he been holding back?" But, I don't know the girl, and everyone's different.
posted by lorrer at 9:41 PM on December 16, 2005
Ditto, "You only live once." I've been rejected. We've all been rejected. Sometimes it's public and embarrassing, and something it costs you something. I can honestly say, looking back on all the rejections I've faced: There is nothing about any of them that I regret; and in every case, I'm glad I stepped up and took a swing.
posted by cribcage at 9:47 PM on December 16, 2005
posted by cribcage at 9:47 PM on December 16, 2005
Now that I think of it, a (female) friend of mine recently IMd a guy with the statement that if they lived in the same city, she'd probably date him, and that has expanded into a "let's try that" situation over a couple of weeks.
Which makes me nervous, given the above statement to the effect that relationships that start long-distance fail. Also, they live four hours from eachother, so it's a lot closer than you are to your friend, and is much more instructive in an abstract "tell people how you feel" kind of way than as an indication that you should necessarily contact her while far away.
posted by lorrer at 10:00 PM on December 16, 2005
Which makes me nervous, given the above statement to the effect that relationships that start long-distance fail. Also, they live four hours from eachother, so it's a lot closer than you are to your friend, and is much more instructive in an abstract "tell people how you feel" kind of way than as an indication that you should necessarily contact her while far away.
posted by lorrer at 10:00 PM on December 16, 2005
My husband and I were friends for a simliar length of time as you two, and what pushed us over the edge was finally being single at the same time and living in the same town. (That, and a bottle of champagne.) So I'm a firm believer in the power of proximity, and strongly encourage you to arrange for a visit before your move to spend some time with her and see how it goes. (And yes, if neither of you have taken a sobriety pledge it really couldn't hurt to involve champagne, let me tell you.) If it feels right, lean over and kiss her. I find that sort of thing works better than a conversation. You could tell her your feelings, of course, and you should if there's no possibility of a visit, but I think you'll be more successful asking her to hang on nearly a year's time for you if she has a good kiss (or several) to remember you by.
Don't necessarily assume you'll spoil the friendship if she's not interested in you romantically; you'll surely need a bit of time and distance to recover, but it's possible to start anew if she's not interested -- trust me. Be straightforward with her: no fanciful romantic gestures like spelling out "I've fallen for you" with Super Bowl placards or anything, just a call and to say I'm interested and hope you are too. It's your wonderful surprise right now, not hers; your news will be revelation enough without a string section to accompany it. Retreat gracefully if that's what she wants, and you'll be okay.
I hope it all works out for you; I truly do. When you fall in love with someone who's been your good friend it is a wonderful thing.
posted by melissa may at 10:18 PM on December 16, 2005
Don't necessarily assume you'll spoil the friendship if she's not interested in you romantically; you'll surely need a bit of time and distance to recover, but it's possible to start anew if she's not interested -- trust me. Be straightforward with her: no fanciful romantic gestures like spelling out "I've fallen for you" with Super Bowl placards or anything, just a call and to say I'm interested and hope you are too. It's your wonderful surprise right now, not hers; your news will be revelation enough without a string section to accompany it. Retreat gracefully if that's what she wants, and you'll be okay.
I hope it all works out for you; I truly do. When you fall in love with someone who's been your good friend it is a wonderful thing.
posted by melissa may at 10:18 PM on December 16, 2005
I'd say that now is a great time to test the waters. If she's not into you, the distance means she can have the space and time she'll need to come up with a way to let you down which will allow you to remain friends, if that's what you both want. And it will also give you time and space to figure out how to tell her you have feelings for her which are deeper than friendship, but also that you value her friendship so much that you considered just not risking it. You can play it safe and have a great friendship and maybe spend the rest of your life perfectly happy but with a nagging little "what if", or you can just go for it and figure what's the worst that can happen? Good friendships can and have survived worse than this, and if it doesn't survive, then que sera sera. Be honest and open, there is nothing more charming than this, especially if part of that honesty and openness means you can joke about it, and make it clear that it really is okay if she's not into you that way, you like her as a friend, too! Don't go into it all or nothing, go into it as a noble effort to be true to your heart - be sure in your own head about whether or not you can actually stay friends if she rejects you, and if you can, be prepared to live up to it. It's certainly possible to have a full and happy friendship with other feelings floating around, mentioned or unmentioned, but it's not for everyone.
I say definitely take the risk, the man who is now my husband sure did (encouragement? Warning? You be the judge).
posted by biscotti at 11:02 PM on December 16, 2005
I say definitely take the risk, the man who is now my husband sure did (encouragement? Warning? You be the judge).
posted by biscotti at 11:02 PM on December 16, 2005
should I tell her my feelings towards her, or should I just leave it as friends and see what happens?
Nothing will happen if you leave it as friends. Let me repeat that: nothing will happen. Relationships change when people take action. It sounds like you are asking the question because you want something to happen.
A lot of the above advice is very good. Geographic proximity and a few other factors (like her being single) cannot be underestimated. But when you have the chance, fucking take it. If you never take it, that little doubt will be in the back of your mind in every other relationship you pursued, that what if will probably cause you more pain than what would happen if you were just rejected.
posted by tweak at 11:04 PM on December 16, 2005
Nothing will happen if you leave it as friends. Let me repeat that: nothing will happen. Relationships change when people take action. It sounds like you are asking the question because you want something to happen.
A lot of the above advice is very good. Geographic proximity and a few other factors (like her being single) cannot be underestimated. But when you have the chance, fucking take it. If you never take it, that little doubt will be in the back of your mind in every other relationship you pursued, that what if will probably cause you more pain than what would happen if you were just rejected.
posted by tweak at 11:04 PM on December 16, 2005
Aw, crap.
Ask her, forthright. If you love her, you'll make the ego-sacrifice and ask her what she thinks about what you think. It's hard. It's fucking goddamn hard (because you might not like the answer).
Do this before your stint in India is over. If she thinks the same way you do, then you can make positive plans. If she makes it plain that she isn't into you - you have flexibility.
Yes, doing these things in person means a lot more, but ... can you afford (monetarily/emotionally) to respond to a negative answer after you've made sacfrifices?
posted by PurplePorpoise at 11:26 PM on December 16, 2005
Ask her, forthright. If you love her, you'll make the ego-sacrifice and ask her what she thinks about what you think. It's hard. It's fucking goddamn hard (because you might not like the answer).
Do this before your stint in India is over. If she thinks the same way you do, then you can make positive plans. If she makes it plain that she isn't into you - you have flexibility.
Yes, doing these things in person means a lot more, but ... can you afford (monetarily/emotionally) to respond to a negative answer after you've made sacfrifices?
posted by PurplePorpoise at 11:26 PM on December 16, 2005
There are two types of regret, as far as I've learned. Regret for things you've done, which you can get over, and regret for things you haven't done, which you'll never forget.
posted by knave at 11:31 PM on December 16, 2005
posted by knave at 11:31 PM on December 16, 2005
While in college I met a girl with whom I shared a lot of similar interests and sensibilities, and we hit it off great as friends. After a few months we began to date, but it didn't really work out for us romantically because it all turned out to be a rebound fling for her in the end. I was all for staying friends, but she couldn't handle that. I miss the friend that I lost very much, and the whole affair was one of the only things in my past I would ever handle differently if given the chance.
Six or seven years ago (before college, actually) I first met another girl - Michelle - and we also hit it off great after a few false starts. We were tied together by a group of mutual friends, and so we became very close friends before we began to date almost 2 years ago. I knew almost from the beginning that I loved her - madly. Even while dating the girl from my first paragraph, I held Michelle in my heart as my standard of perfection. She and I live together now, and everything has been worth the risk we took in expanding our relationship. It's strange to think this, but even if our romance somehow sours and takes our friendship with it, I think it will have been worth it still.
I guess my point it that if you think a romance between you and your friend will be a successful one based on genuine romantic compatibility and with some lasting power, then I whole-heartedly urge you to pursue it - like everyone else here has said, there's no better partner than a great friend. But if the more-than-just-friends affection isn't mutual or if your compatibility as friends might not make the transition to greater intimacy, then think twice, because there's no more stinging loss than a great friend.
posted by chudmonkey at 11:36 PM on December 16, 2005
Six or seven years ago (before college, actually) I first met another girl - Michelle - and we also hit it off great after a few false starts. We were tied together by a group of mutual friends, and so we became very close friends before we began to date almost 2 years ago. I knew almost from the beginning that I loved her - madly. Even while dating the girl from my first paragraph, I held Michelle in my heart as my standard of perfection. She and I live together now, and everything has been worth the risk we took in expanding our relationship. It's strange to think this, but even if our romance somehow sours and takes our friendship with it, I think it will have been worth it still.
I guess my point it that if you think a romance between you and your friend will be a successful one based on genuine romantic compatibility and with some lasting power, then I whole-heartedly urge you to pursue it - like everyone else here has said, there's no better partner than a great friend. But if the more-than-just-friends affection isn't mutual or if your compatibility as friends might not make the transition to greater intimacy, then think twice, because there's no more stinging loss than a great friend.
posted by chudmonkey at 11:36 PM on December 16, 2005
I'm all for taking risks. Crap, my last long-term boyfriend was a dear old friend before that - we took a huge risk alienating a large group of friends. But my sense is that most people in this situation already know the likelihood of something panning out the way they've planned it in their minds, and are either looking for encouragement ("go for it now!") or tips to increase that likelihood ("you'll need to nudge it at some point, but two continents away is hella far to start the process.")
I'm all for the former when a sign is there, otherwise, nudge it after being together for longer than two weeks on a vacation. I've learned that timing is a large part in relationships starting and ending - which has very little to do with the respective people and whether or not they'd be a good match. If you want to go for it, and you're serious, take the care to make sure the timing is as decent as possible - you can't control everything, but don't make starting something like this impossible either.
That said, we've all been shot down by friends before. Sometimes it works, and it's awesome. Just take the care to make that process more likely as opposed to less likely. Then forget all this stuff and be a gambling man.
posted by fionab at 11:42 PM on December 16, 2005
I'm all for the former when a sign is there, otherwise, nudge it after being together for longer than two weeks on a vacation. I've learned that timing is a large part in relationships starting and ending - which has very little to do with the respective people and whether or not they'd be a good match. If you want to go for it, and you're serious, take the care to make sure the timing is as decent as possible - you can't control everything, but don't make starting something like this impossible either.
That said, we've all been shot down by friends before. Sometimes it works, and it's awesome. Just take the care to make that process more likely as opposed to less likely. Then forget all this stuff and be a gambling man.
posted by fionab at 11:42 PM on December 16, 2005
My loving girlfriend - mentioned previously - has charmingly suggested that if you're a big nerd and your friend is smoking hot, then you run a greater risk of alienating her. Which I suppose is her own way of saying that if you think your friend has ANY substantial reason for not being attracted to you, then you should be lots more careful.
But she's smoking hot and I'm a big nerd, and it's worked out for us.
posted by chudmonkey at 11:44 PM on December 16, 2005
But she's smoking hot and I'm a big nerd, and it's worked out for us.
posted by chudmonkey at 11:44 PM on December 16, 2005
A lot of this depends on whether you have the slightest notion that she returns your feelings on some level.
If you feel that you are an attractive man and have been strong and loving and intelligent around/toward her and she has probably looked at you "in that way" a few times over the years, then there is nothing wrong with telling her the truth. She'll know what you're talking about and say "yeah, me too."
If, on the other hand, you are scratching your head right now and saying crap like "I'm not sure what she feels," then I think you are probably better off admitting that you're attracted to a friend of yours. You're attracted. But she's a friend. And saying anything will only introduce awkwardness.
Thing is, either way, it doesn't really matter. You can have a frank conversion with her and say "you know what, sometimes the feelings that I have for you extend beyond friendship," and she can say either "me too" or "oh fuck" and it won't make much difference. A relationship is not an option right now, so there is nothing to be done with such feelings.
If you reveal them at all, be sure to frame them in a way that gives her some options.
If you tell her: "I've decided that I love you and I want to know if you love me." Then her only options are "yes" and "no," and the odds are against you. Women can be remarkably practical about things like living in different timezones (god bless 'em).
If you tell her: "You know we've been such good friends for so long that I feel comfortable enough to tell you that I think you're really attractive and sometimes I consider whether there can be more to our friendship than there is now. Have you ever thought about that?" This gives her plenty of options. She will be flattered for sure, she can say "yes" or "no." There's no great big flashing-red proclamation of love for her to feel awkward toward.
What you want is to open a conversation and see how she reacts, not drop a bomb in her lap and hope for the best. But seriously dude. Please try to have some inkling that she might share your feelings before you do anything. You would not be the first guy to develop a crush on a female friend who sees you as just a friend. You wouldn't even be in the 1st million guys who've done exactly that today. It happens all the time.
posted by scarabic at 2:37 AM on December 17, 2005
If you feel that you are an attractive man and have been strong and loving and intelligent around/toward her and she has probably looked at you "in that way" a few times over the years, then there is nothing wrong with telling her the truth. She'll know what you're talking about and say "yeah, me too."
If, on the other hand, you are scratching your head right now and saying crap like "I'm not sure what she feels," then I think you are probably better off admitting that you're attracted to a friend of yours. You're attracted. But she's a friend. And saying anything will only introduce awkwardness.
Thing is, either way, it doesn't really matter. You can have a frank conversion with her and say "you know what, sometimes the feelings that I have for you extend beyond friendship," and she can say either "me too" or "oh fuck" and it won't make much difference. A relationship is not an option right now, so there is nothing to be done with such feelings.
If you reveal them at all, be sure to frame them in a way that gives her some options.
If you tell her: "I've decided that I love you and I want to know if you love me." Then her only options are "yes" and "no," and the odds are against you. Women can be remarkably practical about things like living in different timezones (god bless 'em).
If you tell her: "You know we've been such good friends for so long that I feel comfortable enough to tell you that I think you're really attractive and sometimes I consider whether there can be more to our friendship than there is now. Have you ever thought about that?" This gives her plenty of options. She will be flattered for sure, she can say "yes" or "no." There's no great big flashing-red proclamation of love for her to feel awkward toward.
What you want is to open a conversation and see how she reacts, not drop a bomb in her lap and hope for the best. But seriously dude. Please try to have some inkling that she might share your feelings before you do anything. You would not be the first guy to develop a crush on a female friend who sees you as just a friend. You wouldn't even be in the 1st million guys who've done exactly that today. It happens all the time.
posted by scarabic at 2:37 AM on December 17, 2005
you should. the regret of no action is much worse then the pain of rejection.
posted by lester at 8:55 AM on December 17, 2005
posted by lester at 8:55 AM on December 17, 2005
I'll just stick to a testimonial: it can work out. Hubby and I were good friends, he spent a lot of time at my place helping me fix up my house, and one day he announced he loved me. Just that simple statement. I was floored, as I had absolutely no idea! (I'm dense that way, and perhaps your friend might be too.) He didn't ask for an answer, he just left it at that. It took a little while to get my head around this new concept but eventually I decided that I liked him so much you might as well call it love. We've been married for 12 years.
So if there's any point to this anecdote, it would be that gals can be dense too and sometimes "like" is so close to "love" that it can be influenced by the other person's actions. Good luck - there's nothing better than being in love with your best friend!
posted by Quietgal at 9:04 AM on December 17, 2005
So if there's any point to this anecdote, it would be that gals can be dense too and sometimes "like" is so close to "love" that it can be influenced by the other person's actions. Good luck - there's nothing better than being in love with your best friend!
posted by Quietgal at 9:04 AM on December 17, 2005
I've been on the receiving end of this, twice. Both times it was of very little surprise to me. And yes, things were awkward for a while... mostly because both times this happened were AFTER I got married. I had no idea what sort of response I was supposed to give to "I'm in love with you" when it was very obvious that I was not available for the taking. (I trust that in your situation though, she's not involved with someone else.)
Distance also complicates things, but in a way, it makes it easier. If you tell her that you're interested in her NOW, she has time to deal with that information and process it before you move to the US. Make it clear though that you want to move for your own reasons and not solely to be with her. I know a lot of commenters will tell you to wait until you're in the same place, but I think that sometimes these things are easier to hear when you've got some space and time to yourself.
Be prepared for any response on her part and be patient. Wait for her to accept what's going on and make it clear that you want to be friends, first and foremost. Stick around - don't just bolt from her life if she tells you she's not interested.
Good luck to you. If it offers you any reassurance, the two people in my life who were at one time in love with me are still two of my closest friends and whatever temporary awkwardness existed has not caused any permanent damage in our friendship.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:14 AM on December 17, 2005
Distance also complicates things, but in a way, it makes it easier. If you tell her that you're interested in her NOW, she has time to deal with that information and process it before you move to the US. Make it clear though that you want to move for your own reasons and not solely to be with her. I know a lot of commenters will tell you to wait until you're in the same place, but I think that sometimes these things are easier to hear when you've got some space and time to yourself.
Be prepared for any response on her part and be patient. Wait for her to accept what's going on and make it clear that you want to be friends, first and foremost. Stick around - don't just bolt from her life if she tells you she's not interested.
Good luck to you. If it offers you any reassurance, the two people in my life who were at one time in love with me are still two of my closest friends and whatever temporary awkwardness existed has not caused any permanent damage in our friendship.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:14 AM on December 17, 2005
I think there's lots of good advice here...I say go for it, but maybe not while you're in India.
Women can be remarkably practical about things like living in different timezones (god bless 'em).
Yes, we can! Which is why she might not even want to begin to think about you in any romantic way. I know I wouldn't..right now, there's an ocean between you. That's huge.
So if there's any point to this anecdote, it would be that gals can be dense too and sometimes "like" is so close to "love" that it can be influenced by the other person's actions.
This is true too. If you say something this might get the wheels in her head turning.
I'm thinking optimistically, but I'm also one of those people who would rather have all my relationships evolve from strong friendships. If you get rejected, sure, there might be awkwardness..but then you've got that distance between you to deal with it.
posted by jetskiaccidents at 9:54 AM on December 17, 2005
Women can be remarkably practical about things like living in different timezones (god bless 'em).
Yes, we can! Which is why she might not even want to begin to think about you in any romantic way. I know I wouldn't..right now, there's an ocean between you. That's huge.
So if there's any point to this anecdote, it would be that gals can be dense too and sometimes "like" is so close to "love" that it can be influenced by the other person's actions.
This is true too. If you say something this might get the wheels in her head turning.
I'm thinking optimistically, but I'm also one of those people who would rather have all my relationships evolve from strong friendships. If you get rejected, sure, there might be awkwardness..but then you've got that distance between you to deal with it.
posted by jetskiaccidents at 9:54 AM on December 17, 2005
What scarabic said.
I've been rejected. We've all been rejected.
Yeah, but it doesn't usually involve destroying a valued friendship. Since that's a possibility here, I think the free-spirit "Go for it!" response is misplaced. Go for it if you've weighed the downside and decided it's worth the risk and if you have some reason, even if just a gut feeling, to think she might be receptive.
posted by languagehat at 10:32 AM on December 17, 2005
I've been rejected. We've all been rejected.
Yeah, but it doesn't usually involve destroying a valued friendship. Since that's a possibility here, I think the free-spirit "Go for it!" response is misplaced. Go for it if you've weighed the downside and decided it's worth the risk and if you have some reason, even if just a gut feeling, to think she might be receptive.
posted by languagehat at 10:32 AM on December 17, 2005
You only live once. But do it in person. Rejection will suck if it happens, but will still be better than living a life wishing you had tried to take the opportunity but didn't.
posted by pwb503 at 4:54 PM on December 17, 2005
posted by pwb503 at 4:54 PM on December 17, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
If she is not as enthusiastic as you are, it's possible that she never considered anything between you and her (in a serious way) before, but that does not mean that it's out of the question. The key here is to be positive. Remember that she's your friend and respect the friendship first (no overreacting, no guilt trips) and just be yourself! Clearly, she sees something in you if she has remained in touch through the past six years so that sounds like a pretty strong foundation to start with.
Good luck.
posted by purephase at 9:10 PM on December 16, 2005