What is my sexual orientation?
June 24, 2011 6:55 AM Subscribe
Am I a lesbian? Bisexual? Or, straight but asexual? Please help. I am, obviously, very confused.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (33 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
I am a thirty year old woman who has always identified as straight. I have been with many different men and had several long-term relationships, and been married. I am now divorced, for reasons having nothing to do with sexuality. However, I am now strongly questioning my sexual preferences and I need some outside perspective in order to work through this and know what it all means.
For starters, for the past few years I have had no real desire to have a sexual relationship at all. This could be related to my divorce, or it could be hormonal, I really don't know. I do have a sex drive, but I am happy to take care of things by myself and I really feel at times like I could be celibate for the rest of my life if it weren't for my need for companionship (for most people, no sex life is a deal breaker). So, there's that.
Then, there's the fact that when I do fantasize or masturbate, I always imagine women, and they are the primary focus of the fantasy. This has always been the case for me. Yet, I have never considered that I might be a lesbian because I don't see women in real life and feel attracted to them, or if I do, it's very, very rare. In real life, I am physically attracted to men.
This is where it gets really confusing and convoluted, however. Although I am physically attracted to men that I see or date, sex with men and the naked male body doesn't do much for me--in fact, sometimes it turns me off. If I am into it, it's more on an emotional level, not a physical one. But, when I imagine sex with a woman, I feel a little turned off, too, but only when I imagine giving a woman oral sex. Everything else is a turn-on.
I can't imagine not having a relationship with a man. Throughout my life, I have been closer with men, even as friends. But, when i think of being happy in a relationship, I often think of being with a boyish woman instead of a man.
Many of the men that I have dated in my life have asked me if I was bi or if I was secretly a lesbian, and it always confused me that they would ask that because the same men always told me how feminine they thought I was. I have always been a strong feminist and I thought maybe that was there way of expressing their discomfort with my feminism. Now, I wonder if they could see something about me that I couldn't.
What do you think that all of these things say about my sexuality? I have never talked about any of this to anyone, so I apologize if I sound like an idiot. Is it possible that I'm a lesbian and I'm just now realizing it? Or, are these things part of most people's experience at one time or another? Am I bisexual--that seems like too easy of an answer for some reason. I should say also that I know that if I were to realize that I want to pursue a relationship with a woman that it would cause a major problem within my family and my group of friends, and I have considered that knowing this may be playing a part in my inability to see this clearly. I have read some past questions like mine, and they were helpful, but it seems like my attracted in theory/ not in real life thing hasn't been particularly addressed. Thanks for your help.