I'm 45, female and just discovered I'm bi. Now what?
April 25, 2013 7:55 PM Subscribe
I'm 45, female and just discovered I'm bi. Now what?
Yes, I know it seems unlikely, and the nearest I can figure is my arousal/desire for every single one of my lovers has occurred after being desired, rather than finding someone hot in advance. I was married for a very long time, and possibly oblivious to any gay come-ons, in my premarital time. For the sake of the information I seek, can we please assume that I am correct - that I am bi, and that this wasn't just experimental? (which has been suggested to me by a straight friend).
I had very satisfying sex with a close friend a week ago after she flirted relentlessly with me for 6 weeks (yes, I'm clueless). I find I want more, and not just/necessarily with her. There were aspects of it very different to sex with a man (which I also enjoy immensely) which were just delightful, not least the emotional closeness, the softer kisses, the different body to hold in my arms, the feel of ... yeah, you get the idea.
So I don't know where to start, and feel like a near virgin again, but old enough this time to realise there's so many complications.
Here's some:
I'm concerned about coming out at some stage to my adult but somewhat innocent children, who still don't cope well with me having sex with someone other than their father, particular as their father and I didn't share a bedroom for most of our marriage.
I'm wondering if I should come out to my siblings - or is my sex-life none of their business, until I turn up at a barbecue with a female companion? They're not homophobic, but I think it will be a shock to them, simply because I've never identified that way.
I've heard that some lesbian women find bi-women problematic.
I don't know how to present my lack of experience at this age to potential female lovers. I don't know how to indicate my interest in a woman, in a way that is different to overtures of friendship. I really don't know know what to do in bed. I'm not sure lesbian porn is the way to go, if I could find it, because like, I wouldn't recommend porn to anyone to learn about sex.
I wonder if I should tell my friends, and long-term colleagues and I do work in a very gay-friendly workplace, but is my sexuality an inappropriate topic at work?
I'm a student and could join the uni queer support group, but the members are likely to be much younger than me, and with very different issues.
I'm confused that it took me this long to find out. I feel somewhat guilty that I didn't have to go through discrimination in my youth because I didn't know.
I'm kind of horrified that I'm so clueless about myself that I didn't know. I feel my self-identity has just been turned upside, and I'm not sure who I am anymore, and it feels awfully late to go looking for myself.
I wonder if I should go to gay clubs.
The very few straight friends that I've shared with seem to think it's no big deal, the males saying most women are bi, and whatever, the females telling me I'm still the same person I was before and they love me, which is nice and accepting of both sets, but not very helpful if you know what I mean.
I don't know where to start. I don't know what I don't know. I wonder if I'm making too big a deal of this.
Bonus question: my arousal/desire for every single one of my lovers has occurred after being desired - this probably explains why I have such difficulty masturbating to orgasm without company (and I do have a very good imagination, also can come very easily with a partner), but also makes me further question my sexuality - why is it so much tied into external influences. What's up with that?
Location: Brisbane Queensland Australia
I had very satisfying sex with a close friend a week ago after she flirted relentlessly with me for 6 weeks (yes, I'm clueless). I find I want more, and not just/necessarily with her. There were aspects of it very different to sex with a man (which I also enjoy immensely) which were just delightful, not least the emotional closeness, the softer kisses, the different body to hold in my arms, the feel of ... yeah, you get the idea.
So I don't know where to start, and feel like a near virgin again, but old enough this time to realise there's so many complications.
Here's some:
I'm concerned about coming out at some stage to my adult but somewhat innocent children, who still don't cope well with me having sex with someone other than their father, particular as their father and I didn't share a bedroom for most of our marriage.
I'm wondering if I should come out to my siblings - or is my sex-life none of their business, until I turn up at a barbecue with a female companion? They're not homophobic, but I think it will be a shock to them, simply because I've never identified that way.
I've heard that some lesbian women find bi-women problematic.
I don't know how to present my lack of experience at this age to potential female lovers. I don't know how to indicate my interest in a woman, in a way that is different to overtures of friendship. I really don't know know what to do in bed. I'm not sure lesbian porn is the way to go, if I could find it, because like, I wouldn't recommend porn to anyone to learn about sex.
I wonder if I should tell my friends, and long-term colleagues and I do work in a very gay-friendly workplace, but is my sexuality an inappropriate topic at work?
I'm a student and could join the uni queer support group, but the members are likely to be much younger than me, and with very different issues.
I'm confused that it took me this long to find out. I feel somewhat guilty that I didn't have to go through discrimination in my youth because I didn't know.
I'm kind of horrified that I'm so clueless about myself that I didn't know. I feel my self-identity has just been turned upside, and I'm not sure who I am anymore, and it feels awfully late to go looking for myself.
I wonder if I should go to gay clubs.
The very few straight friends that I've shared with seem to think it's no big deal, the males saying most women are bi, and whatever, the females telling me I'm still the same person I was before and they love me, which is nice and accepting of both sets, but not very helpful if you know what I mean.
I don't know where to start. I don't know what I don't know. I wonder if I'm making too big a deal of this.
Bonus question: my arousal/desire for every single one of my lovers has occurred after being desired - this probably explains why I have such difficulty masturbating to orgasm without company (and I do have a very good imagination, also can come very easily with a partner), but also makes me further question my sexuality - why is it so much tied into external influences. What's up with that?
Location: Brisbane Queensland Australia
The nice thing is, there are no rules. Explain where you're at to your partner/s, and figure out what you like as you go along. And this: "I'm kind of horrified that I'm so clueless about myself that I didn't know"? Don't feel bad about this. While not very common for men, figuring your sexuality out later in life is extremely common for women. Have fun!
posted by ravioli at 8:25 PM on April 25, 2013
posted by ravioli at 8:25 PM on April 25, 2013
Congratulations! Whatever is going on, and there's no rush to label it, you're having fun and discovering new parts of yourself. Total plus.
There's no right answers to any of this. For example, i wouldn't suggest you rush to come out to friends and family. On the other hand, if you want to, there's no rule that you shouldn't. It depends on all the temperaments involved. (In the long term I would not suggest being closeted, but this is really early.)
Yes, a lot of lesbians are bi-phobic, but a lot are not. I think with seeking out dates you might find some more experienced women hesitant about your coming out so recently, but that won't be a deal breaker for everyone. Also, there are plenty of women who sleep with other women but don't identify with any kind of lesbian or queer community, and might not have the same worries about your inexperience.
I would suggest meeting people through common interest groups or bars or asking for invites to gay friends' parties. Go to the library and look for memoirs from queer female authors. Find any local, queer newspapers. Its actually still quite common to come out later in life, and you'll see that with more exposure.
Maybe try to focus on having fun and exploring for now! You can figure out a lot of the details later.
posted by latkes at 8:31 PM on April 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
There's no right answers to any of this. For example, i wouldn't suggest you rush to come out to friends and family. On the other hand, if you want to, there's no rule that you shouldn't. It depends on all the temperaments involved. (In the long term I would not suggest being closeted, but this is really early.)
Yes, a lot of lesbians are bi-phobic, but a lot are not. I think with seeking out dates you might find some more experienced women hesitant about your coming out so recently, but that won't be a deal breaker for everyone. Also, there are plenty of women who sleep with other women but don't identify with any kind of lesbian or queer community, and might not have the same worries about your inexperience.
I would suggest meeting people through common interest groups or bars or asking for invites to gay friends' parties. Go to the library and look for memoirs from queer female authors. Find any local, queer newspapers. Its actually still quite common to come out later in life, and you'll see that with more exposure.
Maybe try to focus on having fun and exploring for now! You can figure out a lot of the details later.
posted by latkes at 8:31 PM on April 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
re: learning through real lesbian porn. I just recently discovered Jiz Lee, who identifies as genderqueer instead of lesbian, and she's done some amazing work as an indie artist. If you're interested you can "preview" some clips on sites like xhamster. Her work can be found on her main website and also on Crashpad. The Feminist Porn Award can also give you some recommendations of good realistic porn.
posted by lucia_engel at 8:33 PM on April 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by lucia_engel at 8:33 PM on April 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm kind of horrified that I'm so clueless about myself that I didn't know. I feel my self-identity has just been turned upside, and I'm not sure who I am anymore, and it feels awfully late to go looking for myself.
It might help if you look at this less like Discovering Your Innermost True Nature and more like stumbling across one more thing you enjoy.
You're still the same person. You still have the same fundamental moral values. You still have the same priorities and goals. You still like most of the same things, and dislike most of the same things. You still have the same habits. Think of this as a change on the order of switching careers, or moving across the country — it's a big change, but it's not a total catastrophe, and it won't erase who you are.
I don't mean to downplay the importance of what you're going through. Coming out to yourself is a big deal, and it's scary as fuck. Coming out to other people — if you decide to do that — is a big scary deal too. Some things in your life might change in a big way. But a lot of things are going to remain constant, and you can hold onto those constants and take comfort in them.
In a lot of ways, doing this at 45 is going to be easier than if you'd done it at 15, because you have so much more general self-knowledge and self-awareness now than you did at 15. Teenagers have such a thin and precarious sense of their own identity that coming out as queer really does feel like Oh Shit Absolutely Everything Is Different Now. For an adult — especially an adult who's single anyway, and whose friends aren't homophobes — it really doesn't have to be that way.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 8:34 PM on April 25, 2013 [22 favorites]
It might help if you look at this less like Discovering Your Innermost True Nature and more like stumbling across one more thing you enjoy.
You're still the same person. You still have the same fundamental moral values. You still have the same priorities and goals. You still like most of the same things, and dislike most of the same things. You still have the same habits. Think of this as a change on the order of switching careers, or moving across the country — it's a big change, but it's not a total catastrophe, and it won't erase who you are.
I don't mean to downplay the importance of what you're going through. Coming out to yourself is a big deal, and it's scary as fuck. Coming out to other people — if you decide to do that — is a big scary deal too. Some things in your life might change in a big way. But a lot of things are going to remain constant, and you can hold onto those constants and take comfort in them.
In a lot of ways, doing this at 45 is going to be easier than if you'd done it at 15, because you have so much more general self-knowledge and self-awareness now than you did at 15. Teenagers have such a thin and precarious sense of their own identity that coming out as queer really does feel like Oh Shit Absolutely Everything Is Different Now. For an adult — especially an adult who's single anyway, and whose friends aren't homophobes — it really doesn't have to be that way.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 8:34 PM on April 25, 2013 [22 favorites]
Welcome to the family!
First, it's a big realization, but there's no need to panic. There's nothing that you need know the answer to right now. You have lots of time to think all this through. Give yourself 6 months to explore this without pressuring yourself to tell (or not tell!) anybody. Coming out is often a really confusing experience. I promise that things will look a lot more clear to you by the end of the year.
To address some of your specific thoughts:
In my experience, it really isn't that rare for women in their 30s and 40s to come out. You'll meet plenty of other people in the same boat as you.
I have known some lesbians to be wary of having serious relationships with bi women, so you may encounter this. It seems to come mostly out of a fear that the social pressure to behave as a hetero will win out over the desire for women. I think it says more about the people who feel that way than anything about bi women. Just be honest about where you're at and none of that should be an issue.
Before I started actually sleeping with women, I read a lot of lesbian erotica. Probably not a bad way to learn about lesbian sex, actually. Try nifty.org if that sounds interesting. There is also legit lesbian porn out there, usually labeled as queer porn or dyke porn, but it can be hard to track down. Sex in queer porn is IMO more realistic than sex in straight porn.
Hit up the gay bar a few times if you want. You can also try finding the local LGBT resource center, they often have good events calendars and sometimes support group listings for folks.
Feel free to memail me if you have more questions.
posted by zug at 8:41 PM on April 25, 2013
First, it's a big realization, but there's no need to panic. There's nothing that you need know the answer to right now. You have lots of time to think all this through. Give yourself 6 months to explore this without pressuring yourself to tell (or not tell!) anybody. Coming out is often a really confusing experience. I promise that things will look a lot more clear to you by the end of the year.
To address some of your specific thoughts:
In my experience, it really isn't that rare for women in their 30s and 40s to come out. You'll meet plenty of other people in the same boat as you.
I have known some lesbians to be wary of having serious relationships with bi women, so you may encounter this. It seems to come mostly out of a fear that the social pressure to behave as a hetero will win out over the desire for women. I think it says more about the people who feel that way than anything about bi women. Just be honest about where you're at and none of that should be an issue.
Before I started actually sleeping with women, I read a lot of lesbian erotica. Probably not a bad way to learn about lesbian sex, actually. Try nifty.org if that sounds interesting. There is also legit lesbian porn out there, usually labeled as queer porn or dyke porn, but it can be hard to track down. Sex in queer porn is IMO more realistic than sex in straight porn.
Hit up the gay bar a few times if you want. You can also try finding the local LGBT resource center, they often have good events calendars and sometimes support group listings for folks.
Feel free to memail me if you have more questions.
posted by zug at 8:41 PM on April 25, 2013
(I am a cisgender, strait married female for reference.)
I'm a student and could join the uni queer support group, but the members are likely to be much younger than me, and with very different issues.
Do this! Just because there is an age difference does NOT mean they have different issues. They have the same issues of coming out to family, figuring out who you are attracted to, gender roles, etc. Also, you don't have anything to lose if you join the group. If they do have different issues and can't help, then you don't have to go.
If they can't help specifically, they can get you resources that can, such as other groups that aren't college age or other online resources.
I'm concerned about coming out at some stage to my adult but somewhat innocent children, who still don't cope well with me having sex with someone other than their father, particular as their father and I didn't share a bedroom for most of our marriage.
It's your life. Also if your children are adults, they should know parents have sex. You don't have to give them intimate details about your sexual attraction. However, I am not sure what "adult" means. Does that mean 18, does that mean 30? I am 23, and after getting married and my dad re-marrying we both have opened up more about talking about sex. I talk with my step-mom about their sex life sometimes --sorry dad! -- So you might need to just ease them into talking about sex in general.
I'm kind of horrified that I'm so clueless about myself that I didn't know. I feel my self-identity has just been turned upside, and I'm not sure who I am anymore, and it feels awfully late to go looking for myself.
NEVER too late to self discover. People change and grow. I am only 23, and my husband is only 25 so we will still be growing and changing, especially when it comes to handling things like work and growing our identity around our careers. You are just growing your identity around something new. It's similar to "Oh I got a new job that is in a totally new career field." You have to adjust and learn how to handle it, it's similar with this. You will have to learn and self discover.
I am an extroverted-introvert and still discovering things about my personality and how to use them in the world and how my personality is changing based on different stages in my life. This is a new stage in your life.
I'm wondering if I should come out to my siblings - or is my sex-life none of their business, until I turn up at a barbecue with a female companion?
My assumption is that if you are still figuring things out for yourself, you won't just be inviting new same-sex companions to family things. I am sure you and your partner want to make sure people are aware of your relationship as not "just friends." But your actual SEX life is none of their business.
I think you need to get your feelings sorted out in order to explain them anyway, as it seems like you are struggling to explain them to yourself. See if you can get an appointment with your school therapist. They are usually cheap or free. That can help you figure out your self identity. See if there are any sexual based therapists, as I am sure they deal with these things all the time.
As you can see from this thread, there are many people in your position that can help, or others who are there to support!
posted by Crystalinne at 9:31 PM on April 25, 2013
I'm a student and could join the uni queer support group, but the members are likely to be much younger than me, and with very different issues.
Do this! Just because there is an age difference does NOT mean they have different issues. They have the same issues of coming out to family, figuring out who you are attracted to, gender roles, etc. Also, you don't have anything to lose if you join the group. If they do have different issues and can't help, then you don't have to go.
If they can't help specifically, they can get you resources that can, such as other groups that aren't college age or other online resources.
I'm concerned about coming out at some stage to my adult but somewhat innocent children, who still don't cope well with me having sex with someone other than their father, particular as their father and I didn't share a bedroom for most of our marriage.
It's your life. Also if your children are adults, they should know parents have sex. You don't have to give them intimate details about your sexual attraction. However, I am not sure what "adult" means. Does that mean 18, does that mean 30? I am 23, and after getting married and my dad re-marrying we both have opened up more about talking about sex. I talk with my step-mom about their sex life sometimes --sorry dad! -- So you might need to just ease them into talking about sex in general.
I'm kind of horrified that I'm so clueless about myself that I didn't know. I feel my self-identity has just been turned upside, and I'm not sure who I am anymore, and it feels awfully late to go looking for myself.
NEVER too late to self discover. People change and grow. I am only 23, and my husband is only 25 so we will still be growing and changing, especially when it comes to handling things like work and growing our identity around our careers. You are just growing your identity around something new. It's similar to "Oh I got a new job that is in a totally new career field." You have to adjust and learn how to handle it, it's similar with this. You will have to learn and self discover.
I am an extroverted-introvert and still discovering things about my personality and how to use them in the world and how my personality is changing based on different stages in my life. This is a new stage in your life.
I'm wondering if I should come out to my siblings - or is my sex-life none of their business, until I turn up at a barbecue with a female companion?
My assumption is that if you are still figuring things out for yourself, you won't just be inviting new same-sex companions to family things. I am sure you and your partner want to make sure people are aware of your relationship as not "just friends." But your actual SEX life is none of their business.
I think you need to get your feelings sorted out in order to explain them anyway, as it seems like you are struggling to explain them to yourself. See if you can get an appointment with your school therapist. They are usually cheap or free. That can help you figure out your self identity. See if there are any sexual based therapists, as I am sure they deal with these things all the time.
As you can see from this thread, there are many people in your position that can help, or others who are there to support!
posted by Crystalinne at 9:31 PM on April 25, 2013
I'm concerned
I'm confused
I feel somewhat guilty
I'm kind of horrified
etc.
I'd recommend talking to a good therapist. Although it's something of an AskMe standard, I'm not one to leap to suggesting therapy at the drop of a hat (or, in this case, at the drop of two pairs of panties), but your post screams anxiety and a less stable sense of self than I would expect to find in a 45 year old. Talking to someone who is (hopefully!) nonjudgmental and impartial might help you process some things, and would probably be easier than talking to people who you are concerned would be shocked about your news.
I'd also like to point out that there's a difference between what you do and who you are. While universities (you mentioned being a student) in the Western world can be a welcoming environment for LGBT persons, the identity and sexual politics that play out in that environment can sometimes have strange effects, e.g. your (to me) disturbing statement that
I feel somewhat guilty that I didn't have to go through discrimination in my youth because I didn't know.
You seem to feel some kind of internalized pressure to bust out of the closet, be out and proud, etc., but I'd suggest stepping back for a moment and taking a somewhat more cosmopolitan approach to your recent experiences and feelings. Homosexual and bisexual behavior is not uncommon among other animals, especially some primates. In various human cultures, including cultures without any concept of being "gay" or "bisexual", people engage in same sex sex and other sex sex without the need for undue angst, labels, or social/political transformations.
It seems that you had a wonderful sexual experience with your friend, and that is a very joyful thing. You want to explore more sex with other women, and that's great, too. Perhaps you should do that first, and worry about labels later, or work on your self-identity issues with a therapist and see what comes of that. This doesn't mean that you're "just experimenting", and it doesn't need to trivialize your experiences.
To address some specific things:
or is my sex-life none of their business, until I turn up at a barbecue with a female companion?
I suppose it depends on how you plan on introducing your companion. If she's a friend you're having sex with, it's none of their business. If you plan on introducing her as your girlfriend, then your sex life is still none of their business (unless you want it to be), but yes, they'll probably be surprised if you haven't mentioned it beforehand. But this is common sense.
but is my sexuality an inappropriate topic at work?
It depends on your workplace, but usually. I wouldn't talk about being bisexual at my workplace, but that has nothing to do with bisexuality, as I wouldn't talk about being heterosexual per se, either. It's simply not appropriate in the context of my workplace. YMMV.
I wonder if I should go to gay clubs.
Whether the International Convening Committee on the Homosexual Agenda and Homosexual Standards has issued a directive about this, I do not know. But I would say:
Do you want to go to gay clubs? Then you should go.
Do you not want to go to gay clubs? Then you should not go.
It seems to me that it might be a good way to meet people. Gay people. And bisexual people.
the males saying most women are bi,
Most people are bi, at least in the right circumstances and in terms of behavior (and not necessarily self-identity). Just ask any straight man who has been to prison.
the females telling me I'm still the same person I was before and they love me, which is nice and accepting of both sets, but not very helpful if you know what I mean.
I know what you mean, but they're probably just not in a position to be helpful, either by virtue of experience or training. So I would reiterate my recommendation for a good therapist to talk things out with.
Good luck!
posted by jingzuo at 10:00 PM on April 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm confused
I feel somewhat guilty
I'm kind of horrified
etc.
I'd recommend talking to a good therapist. Although it's something of an AskMe standard, I'm not one to leap to suggesting therapy at the drop of a hat (or, in this case, at the drop of two pairs of panties), but your post screams anxiety and a less stable sense of self than I would expect to find in a 45 year old. Talking to someone who is (hopefully!) nonjudgmental and impartial might help you process some things, and would probably be easier than talking to people who you are concerned would be shocked about your news.
I'd also like to point out that there's a difference between what you do and who you are. While universities (you mentioned being a student) in the Western world can be a welcoming environment for LGBT persons, the identity and sexual politics that play out in that environment can sometimes have strange effects, e.g. your (to me) disturbing statement that
I feel somewhat guilty that I didn't have to go through discrimination in my youth because I didn't know.
You seem to feel some kind of internalized pressure to bust out of the closet, be out and proud, etc., but I'd suggest stepping back for a moment and taking a somewhat more cosmopolitan approach to your recent experiences and feelings. Homosexual and bisexual behavior is not uncommon among other animals, especially some primates. In various human cultures, including cultures without any concept of being "gay" or "bisexual", people engage in same sex sex and other sex sex without the need for undue angst, labels, or social/political transformations.
It seems that you had a wonderful sexual experience with your friend, and that is a very joyful thing. You want to explore more sex with other women, and that's great, too. Perhaps you should do that first, and worry about labels later, or work on your self-identity issues with a therapist and see what comes of that. This doesn't mean that you're "just experimenting", and it doesn't need to trivialize your experiences.
To address some specific things:
or is my sex-life none of their business, until I turn up at a barbecue with a female companion?
I suppose it depends on how you plan on introducing your companion. If she's a friend you're having sex with, it's none of their business. If you plan on introducing her as your girlfriend, then your sex life is still none of their business (unless you want it to be), but yes, they'll probably be surprised if you haven't mentioned it beforehand. But this is common sense.
but is my sexuality an inappropriate topic at work?
It depends on your workplace, but usually. I wouldn't talk about being bisexual at my workplace, but that has nothing to do with bisexuality, as I wouldn't talk about being heterosexual per se, either. It's simply not appropriate in the context of my workplace. YMMV.
I wonder if I should go to gay clubs.
Whether the International Convening Committee on the Homosexual Agenda and Homosexual Standards has issued a directive about this, I do not know. But I would say:
Do you want to go to gay clubs? Then you should go.
Do you not want to go to gay clubs? Then you should not go.
It seems to me that it might be a good way to meet people. Gay people. And bisexual people.
the males saying most women are bi,
Most people are bi, at least in the right circumstances and in terms of behavior (and not necessarily self-identity). Just ask any straight man who has been to prison.
the females telling me I'm still the same person I was before and they love me, which is nice and accepting of both sets, but not very helpful if you know what I mean.
I know what you mean, but they're probably just not in a position to be helpful, either by virtue of experience or training. So I would reiterate my recommendation for a good therapist to talk things out with.
Good luck!
posted by jingzuo at 10:00 PM on April 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
I am 47 and female. Divorced after a long marriage. I knew I had bi tendencies before marriage. The last time I had a girlfriend I was 16.
My rule of thumb for disclosure: I will talk about it if/when it seems relevant. Otherwise, I generally think it is a private matter and I know it makes some people uncomfortable. I see no reason to borrow trouble.
If it seems someone is really trying to get with me and I am open to the possibility, I try to let them know before things go too far. I don't want any ugly incidents where someone feels I "lied" or mislead them. On the other hand, I made sure my husband knew ahead of time and he completely denied that I had bi tendencies a few years into the marriage when I mentioned it casually as part of a humorous story. So I haven't found it foolproof to notify a potential S.O. early, but no serious drama has resulted because of it.
I am not real close to my siblings, etc. I have told them nothing about my post divorce private life. I kind of think that if I am not married or showing up at social events with someone or the like, I am not obligated to tell anyone anything. On the other hand, my adult sons do know I am not exactly straight and it's no big.
So it's not like I treat it like a Secret. I just see no reason to make a big deal of it like it's a Confession or something. If I have some reason to mention it, I will. I just know some folks don't want (or need) to know that about me anymore than they want (or need) to know the details of my last trip to a toilet. I am not ashamed or something about going pee or poop, but, you know: Privacy. Same thing applies to other activities involving my private parts.
Re: New experiences.
I got married at 19. By the time I was fully divorced, I had been married more than half my life. For that and other reasons, it was really weird for me when younger men hit on me. I was just honest that it was a new experience and I wasn't very comfortable and didn't know how to cope. Some younger men didn't make it past that issue. Others were fine with taking some initiative and helping me get over it.
So I think it works pretty well to state clearly where you are in objective terms ("I lack experience. I very much like women but I have no idea what I am doing. I was married to a man a long time."), not make a big deal of it and remember it takes two to make a relationship. It's okay if they have to contribute a little something to close the gap. It's also okay if the gap remains and things don't quite click with that specific person. Tomorrow is a new day.
Like you, I also tend to let other people lead/initiate. I think it is largely because I respond strongly to emotional input, so being desired matters a lot to my response. If I am not actively wanted, no, I am not interested in trying to make my case or convince someone. I don't really see that as a problem. Ultimately, it always takes mutual interest from both sides anyway. I am clear I can and will say "no" if it isn't mutual.
Last, if you were married a long time and not wildly unfaithful/swinging/in an open relationship, uh, when were you supposed to learn this? I don't think that's a super big deal either. Given that, for whatever reason, you respond while others lead, when was some woman supposed to initiate? I think you are making too big a deal of that piece of it. So other people "just know" and you didn't. So what? You aren't them.
It is fine to beanplate the hell out of this. It makes a fine hobby. I spend scads of time examining my belly button. I just think you are being way too self accusatory about it. Thinking it through is one thing. Self persecution does not need to play a part in that.
My 2¢.
posted by Michele in California at 10:29 PM on April 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
My rule of thumb for disclosure: I will talk about it if/when it seems relevant. Otherwise, I generally think it is a private matter and I know it makes some people uncomfortable. I see no reason to borrow trouble.
If it seems someone is really trying to get with me and I am open to the possibility, I try to let them know before things go too far. I don't want any ugly incidents where someone feels I "lied" or mislead them. On the other hand, I made sure my husband knew ahead of time and he completely denied that I had bi tendencies a few years into the marriage when I mentioned it casually as part of a humorous story. So I haven't found it foolproof to notify a potential S.O. early, but no serious drama has resulted because of it.
I am not real close to my siblings, etc. I have told them nothing about my post divorce private life. I kind of think that if I am not married or showing up at social events with someone or the like, I am not obligated to tell anyone anything. On the other hand, my adult sons do know I am not exactly straight and it's no big.
So it's not like I treat it like a Secret. I just see no reason to make a big deal of it like it's a Confession or something. If I have some reason to mention it, I will. I just know some folks don't want (or need) to know that about me anymore than they want (or need) to know the details of my last trip to a toilet. I am not ashamed or something about going pee or poop, but, you know: Privacy. Same thing applies to other activities involving my private parts.
Re: New experiences.
I got married at 19. By the time I was fully divorced, I had been married more than half my life. For that and other reasons, it was really weird for me when younger men hit on me. I was just honest that it was a new experience and I wasn't very comfortable and didn't know how to cope. Some younger men didn't make it past that issue. Others were fine with taking some initiative and helping me get over it.
So I think it works pretty well to state clearly where you are in objective terms ("I lack experience. I very much like women but I have no idea what I am doing. I was married to a man a long time."), not make a big deal of it and remember it takes two to make a relationship. It's okay if they have to contribute a little something to close the gap. It's also okay if the gap remains and things don't quite click with that specific person. Tomorrow is a new day.
Like you, I also tend to let other people lead/initiate. I think it is largely because I respond strongly to emotional input, so being desired matters a lot to my response. If I am not actively wanted, no, I am not interested in trying to make my case or convince someone. I don't really see that as a problem. Ultimately, it always takes mutual interest from both sides anyway. I am clear I can and will say "no" if it isn't mutual.
Last, if you were married a long time and not wildly unfaithful/swinging/in an open relationship, uh, when were you supposed to learn this? I don't think that's a super big deal either. Given that, for whatever reason, you respond while others lead, when was some woman supposed to initiate? I think you are making too big a deal of that piece of it. So other people "just know" and you didn't. So what? You aren't them.
It is fine to beanplate the hell out of this. It makes a fine hobby. I spend scads of time examining my belly button. I just think you are being way too self accusatory about it. Thinking it through is one thing. Self persecution does not need to play a part in that.
My 2¢.
posted by Michele in California at 10:29 PM on April 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've heard that some lesbian women find bi-women problematic.
I don't know how to present my lack of experience at this age to potential female lovers. I don't know how to indicate my interest in a woman, in a way that is different to overtures of friendship. I really don't know know what to do in bed. I'm not sure lesbian porn is the way to go, if I could find it, because like, I wouldn't recommend porn to anyone to learn about sex.
Sure, some lesbians find bi women problematic, and vice versa. Don't worry about this at all. It is far from a universal attitude. If you're looking for a girlfriend, I suggest you start hanging out in spaces where it assumed that the women would be interested -- not out in world at large. Do you like hiking? Here's a Meetup group for you in Brisbane. Looks like they have fun activities! If you have romantic intentions towards someone, just indicate your interest and distinguish it from friendship the same way that is always recommended on Metafilter: you ask them out on a date, using the word "date." I promise you that women discover their same sex attraction at all ages; you are not a bit unusual. In terms of what to do in bed: seriously, you will figure it out, as people have from time immemorial. No porn necessary; frankly, I think it could be misleading (just as it is for straight people), but if you like it, enjoy! And as for coming out to people you know: what is the rush? Do it if and when you feel comfortable. There is no imperative to come out to everybody at once. Baby steps are fine! And congratulations!
posted by Wordwoman at 10:29 PM on April 25, 2013
I don't know how to present my lack of experience at this age to potential female lovers. I don't know how to indicate my interest in a woman, in a way that is different to overtures of friendship. I really don't know know what to do in bed. I'm not sure lesbian porn is the way to go, if I could find it, because like, I wouldn't recommend porn to anyone to learn about sex.
Sure, some lesbians find bi women problematic, and vice versa. Don't worry about this at all. It is far from a universal attitude. If you're looking for a girlfriend, I suggest you start hanging out in spaces where it assumed that the women would be interested -- not out in world at large. Do you like hiking? Here's a Meetup group for you in Brisbane. Looks like they have fun activities! If you have romantic intentions towards someone, just indicate your interest and distinguish it from friendship the same way that is always recommended on Metafilter: you ask them out on a date, using the word "date." I promise you that women discover their same sex attraction at all ages; you are not a bit unusual. In terms of what to do in bed: seriously, you will figure it out, as people have from time immemorial. No porn necessary; frankly, I think it could be misleading (just as it is for straight people), but if you like it, enjoy! And as for coming out to people you know: what is the rush? Do it if and when you feel comfortable. There is no imperative to come out to everybody at once. Baby steps are fine! And congratulations!
posted by Wordwoman at 10:29 PM on April 25, 2013
As for therapy... it sounds to me like your problems are more sociological (how am I going to fit in?) than psychological (there is something troubling me!). By all means go if you are conflicted, but I think you will start feeling way more comfortable when you start hanging out with other queer women and find that your situation is far from unusual.
posted by Wordwoman at 10:34 PM on April 25, 2013
posted by Wordwoman at 10:34 PM on April 25, 2013
Is there a bi or queer women's listserv in your aarea? Oahu and DC both had really active ones. I was not on them myself, but my friends really liked it as a way of meeting other women. I know for a fact that there were some older newly out women on the DC one-- no one I could see cared except to appreciate that she had a house for Scrabble night.
posted by spunweb at 10:57 PM on April 25, 2013
posted by spunweb at 10:57 PM on April 25, 2013
Oh and congrats! It's really awesome to discover new parts of yourself. :) Can you imagine all the other things you like that you haven't even tried yet? :D
posted by spunweb at 11:00 PM on April 25, 2013
posted by spunweb at 11:00 PM on April 25, 2013
For your questions about lesbian sex: I found the The Joy of Lesbian Sex to be very informative (and it was at my public library). The website Autostraddle also has a NSFW guide to your first time with a woman (maybe useful, though you're already been with a woman).
As for coming out: this is a very personal choice. I first came out to my parents and close friends as bi when I was 15. After that, I considered myself "out", but because I am in a relationship with a man, I have sometimes felt accidentally/by default closeted. This was bothering me, as LGBT visibility is important to me, so I've just started wearing a rainbow pin. It's a small thing, but it made me feel better. I've also been more vocal about my support for marriage equality around family, outing myself on facebook, etc. But these are things I am doing for myself and because I have a certain social/political agenda.
for yourself: you need to do what's best for you and your situation. If you wish to come out to your children, you can do so without disclosing your sex life. All you need to say is that you realized that you are bisexual, and that you are interested in dating women and that they shouldn't be surprised if you do. Work may be another issue - if you're not planning to date anyone there, you don't really need to ever come out. It's really a matter of whether you would like to be publically out or not.
posted by jb at 11:18 PM on April 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
As for coming out: this is a very personal choice. I first came out to my parents and close friends as bi when I was 15. After that, I considered myself "out", but because I am in a relationship with a man, I have sometimes felt accidentally/by default closeted. This was bothering me, as LGBT visibility is important to me, so I've just started wearing a rainbow pin. It's a small thing, but it made me feel better. I've also been more vocal about my support for marriage equality around family, outing myself on facebook, etc. But these are things I am doing for myself and because I have a certain social/political agenda.
for yourself: you need to do what's best for you and your situation. If you wish to come out to your children, you can do so without disclosing your sex life. All you need to say is that you realized that you are bisexual, and that you are interested in dating women and that they shouldn't be surprised if you do. Work may be another issue - if you're not planning to date anyone there, you don't really need to ever come out. It's really a matter of whether you would like to be publically out or not.
posted by jb at 11:18 PM on April 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Welcome to the club! There are plenty of people who don't figure it out till later in life, you are not alone! The other good news is that Brisbane has a pretty good queer community. I used to work in the queer media down here in Melbourne and I remember that Brisbane always seemed to have a thriving queer culture - and lots of bi people. This is going back 10 years or so but I find it hard to believe it would change that much!
By all means go to clubs or your uni social group if you want to, but don't feel limited. There's plenty of community groups in the area as well as a queer newspaper that has plenty of other news about what's going on in the area.
Personally, I would hold off on the coming out to all and sundry. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but you are feeling a bit confused and unsure of various aspects yourself. It makes sense to wait until you're feeling a bit more settled and okay with it all before telling your kids (I think). I would tell your siblings beforehand rather than just rocking up to a BBQ with girlfriend in tow - more just out of courtesy, as you don't want the big reveal to upstage the reason for the gathering. But again, leave it till you feel comfortable with it - it's not a race! People will have questions and it will be easier if you feel like you have some answers rather than being unsure yourself.
As for your coworkers, I wouldn't make a big deal of it (I don't) - just drop in a casual reference to your new girlfriend or something if you want to. Let them make whatever assumptions they want to. Also perfectly okay not to talk about it, many people at workplaces just don't talk about their private lives, whatever they are. You've already started telling some of your friends, which is a great start and sounds like you've picked some good ones to tell.
I don't think therapy is automatically necessary - try out some of the social groups, see what you think after you've had some conversations with other local queer people. If you feel there are deeper problems that you're not getting to the bottom of, plenty of time for therapy then. But at the moment it just sounds like you are at the exciting, scary, confusing, exhilarating jumping-off point and it's just a lot to take in!
As for lesbians' attitudes towards bi women - yes, there's a certain amount of biphobia but I think things have improved a lot over time. And if you meet any biphobic lesbians, well, just helps to weed out the ones you don't need to date! And if anyone tries to tell you "it's just a phase" or a stop on the way towards realising your true lesbianism, they're full of it. It may be, it may not be - sexuality is a fluid and dynamic thing for which there are no rules. Stay safe and enjoy!
Oh yeah, lesbian porn is generally pretty awful from what I've seen, so if you find any good stuff memail me :) techniques otherwise - pay attention to your own body and what you like, ask questions of your partners, get them to show you what they like. Joy of Lesbian Sex (referenced above) also good and nice pictures.
posted by Athanassiel at 12:31 AM on April 26, 2013
By all means go to clubs or your uni social group if you want to, but don't feel limited. There's plenty of community groups in the area as well as a queer newspaper that has plenty of other news about what's going on in the area.
Personally, I would hold off on the coming out to all and sundry. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but you are feeling a bit confused and unsure of various aspects yourself. It makes sense to wait until you're feeling a bit more settled and okay with it all before telling your kids (I think). I would tell your siblings beforehand rather than just rocking up to a BBQ with girlfriend in tow - more just out of courtesy, as you don't want the big reveal to upstage the reason for the gathering. But again, leave it till you feel comfortable with it - it's not a race! People will have questions and it will be easier if you feel like you have some answers rather than being unsure yourself.
As for your coworkers, I wouldn't make a big deal of it (I don't) - just drop in a casual reference to your new girlfriend or something if you want to. Let them make whatever assumptions they want to. Also perfectly okay not to talk about it, many people at workplaces just don't talk about their private lives, whatever they are. You've already started telling some of your friends, which is a great start and sounds like you've picked some good ones to tell.
I don't think therapy is automatically necessary - try out some of the social groups, see what you think after you've had some conversations with other local queer people. If you feel there are deeper problems that you're not getting to the bottom of, plenty of time for therapy then. But at the moment it just sounds like you are at the exciting, scary, confusing, exhilarating jumping-off point and it's just a lot to take in!
As for lesbians' attitudes towards bi women - yes, there's a certain amount of biphobia but I think things have improved a lot over time. And if you meet any biphobic lesbians, well, just helps to weed out the ones you don't need to date! And if anyone tries to tell you "it's just a phase" or a stop on the way towards realising your true lesbianism, they're full of it. It may be, it may not be - sexuality is a fluid and dynamic thing for which there are no rules. Stay safe and enjoy!
Oh yeah, lesbian porn is generally pretty awful from what I've seen, so if you find any good stuff memail me :) techniques otherwise - pay attention to your own body and what you like, ask questions of your partners, get them to show you what they like. Joy of Lesbian Sex (referenced above) also good and nice pictures.
posted by Athanassiel at 12:31 AM on April 26, 2013
One swallow doesn't make a summer; one sexual experience with a woman doesn't make you a lesbian. On the Kinsey scale, you'd be a 1 (predominately heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual). Talking with a therapist might help you sort all this out. Don't rent a U-Haul and definitely don't come out to everyone you know. This may be a one-off.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:50 AM on April 26, 2013
posted by Carol Anne at 5:50 AM on April 26, 2013
Carol Anne - someone who is a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale may still consider themselves bisexual. It's different from being totally straight.
Again, coming out is a personal choice, but the poster has already said she doesn't feel that this is a one-off thing.
posted by jb at 6:32 AM on April 26, 2013
Again, coming out is a personal choice, but the poster has already said she doesn't feel that this is a one-off thing.
posted by jb at 6:32 AM on April 26, 2013
Good for you! This sentence struck me: [My husband] and I didn't share a bedroom for most of our marriage. I raise this, OP, on the assumption that you may have years of affection/sex deprivation to make up. As you explore this new side of life, it may be useful to try to distinguish the joy of discovering your bisexuality from the joy of ending the drought. That's especially true when you yearn to shout your news from the rooftops. In a similar vein, you may be inclined now to jump into a new relationship (not necessarily with your friend) quickly because you're both rebounding from your marriage and embracing your new sexual identity: that's a recipe for falling hard and fast into limerence. Whatever comes next, enjoy!
For context, I'm a cisgender straight married female.
posted by carmicha at 6:43 AM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
For context, I'm a cisgender straight married female.
posted by carmicha at 6:43 AM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm kind of horrified that I'm so clueless about myself that I didn't know.
I know women who have come out in their 40's. You're not the only one and it's okay - you've gotten to discover a new part of yourself and it just means you're growing. Maybe you weren't in a place in your life where you could explore this before, or maybe it's just that you've changed and evolved. People change, and it's okay.
I wish you the best in your exciting new exploration. It's hard when you're trying to figure out what you're into and where you're at, but I encourage you to avoid getting hung up on labels. (As an example, I'm a woman who has been with her female partner for well over a decade, but I have dated men and women for most of my life. Depending on circumstances, I'll describe myself as gay/lesbian, bi, or queer ('queer', at least in the US, is often useful to avoid the "well, are you lesbian or bi or what are you??" because "queer" is a nicer and shorter reply than "it's none of your business what I label myself."))
If you're not normally a bar-going type, you might do better seeking out other venues besides gay clubs. Whatever your hobbies or interests, there are probably ways to find queer folks who engage in it.
Cheers!
posted by rmd1023 at 6:44 AM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
I know women who have come out in their 40's. You're not the only one and it's okay - you've gotten to discover a new part of yourself and it just means you're growing. Maybe you weren't in a place in your life where you could explore this before, or maybe it's just that you've changed and evolved. People change, and it's okay.
I wish you the best in your exciting new exploration. It's hard when you're trying to figure out what you're into and where you're at, but I encourage you to avoid getting hung up on labels. (As an example, I'm a woman who has been with her female partner for well over a decade, but I have dated men and women for most of my life. Depending on circumstances, I'll describe myself as gay/lesbian, bi, or queer ('queer', at least in the US, is often useful to avoid the "well, are you lesbian or bi or what are you??" because "queer" is a nicer and shorter reply than "it's none of your business what I label myself."))
If you're not normally a bar-going type, you might do better seeking out other venues besides gay clubs. Whatever your hobbies or interests, there are probably ways to find queer folks who engage in it.
Cheers!
posted by rmd1023 at 6:44 AM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
You had sex with a woman last week and now you want to tell your children and co-workers that you are bi? Ummm, I would not recommend that, at least at this juncture.
The somewhat confusing thing about bisexuality is that really, there are two sides to the coin of sexual orientation: sexual attraction and romantic love. Just because you thought having sex with a woman was hot doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to fall madly in love with a woman and want to marry her and start a family with her. There is sex that is just sex (you find something arousing, but it's not part of your core identity) and then there is sexuality as part of your core identity (I am gay and I do enjoy having sex with women, but when I am not in a sexual relationship, the connection to me being gay still exists because it affects my view of the world, how I approach life and who I am in every aspect of my existence.) I have known a lot of "bisexuals" who enjoyed sex with both men and women, but when it came down to it, they really only had serious relationships with one or the other. (Hence, why some lesbians don't want to potentially waste their time with bisexual women if they won't have a serious relationship with a woman.)
Sure, there are legitimately bisexual people who both love and fuck both ways, but until you have clarity, I don't see why you'd go around telling people (especially co-workers and your children) a very personal detail ("I thought having sex with a woman was fun!"). If you enter a relationship with a woman, then it might be worth coming out. For now, I would put this in the category of a personal sexual detail that co-workers and children need not know about.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:29 AM on April 26, 2013
The somewhat confusing thing about bisexuality is that really, there are two sides to the coin of sexual orientation: sexual attraction and romantic love. Just because you thought having sex with a woman was hot doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to fall madly in love with a woman and want to marry her and start a family with her. There is sex that is just sex (you find something arousing, but it's not part of your core identity) and then there is sexuality as part of your core identity (I am gay and I do enjoy having sex with women, but when I am not in a sexual relationship, the connection to me being gay still exists because it affects my view of the world, how I approach life and who I am in every aspect of my existence.) I have known a lot of "bisexuals" who enjoyed sex with both men and women, but when it came down to it, they really only had serious relationships with one or the other. (Hence, why some lesbians don't want to potentially waste their time with bisexual women if they won't have a serious relationship with a woman.)
Sure, there are legitimately bisexual people who both love and fuck both ways, but until you have clarity, I don't see why you'd go around telling people (especially co-workers and your children) a very personal detail ("I thought having sex with a woman was fun!"). If you enter a relationship with a woman, then it might be worth coming out. For now, I would put this in the category of a personal sexual detail that co-workers and children need not know about.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:29 AM on April 26, 2013
I disagree vehemently with anyone who would tell you to wait to tell your family or children until you are in a relationship. Yes, you still have a long road to go before you're ready to tell them, but congratulations on coming out to yourself! What a huge step that is!
I am a bisexual woman who has had long-term relationships with men and women, and I'm engaged to a man now. I knew I was bisexual before I'd been in a relationship with anyone... I didn't need to have sex to know it. I came out to my family in my own time, when it made sense, and they were still shocked years later when I actually was in a relationship with a woman. And switching back and forth between men and women? Ugh, forget it. I have to come out every time as though each of my last relationships was just a phase in my life. The coming-out never ends, never ever. But, boy, does it get way easier the 300th time you do it!
Tell your close friends. Talk to them about it. Maybe they'll surprise you! Tell your siblings when you feel comfortable. I don't know how close you are with them, but if you're close, they'd probably want to be there for you. It's not just about your sex life, god knows!
For your children, well, I would wait until you're at the point when you feel like you're keeping a secret. Right now, you should try to get more involved in the lesbian subculture, and as you meet people through it, maybe you'll find yourself wanting to talk more about new friends and events to your kids. That's the point when I'd tell them, not when you're already dating someone. And they may be far cooler and ready to handle it than you think. Kids today, you know?
(For your colleagues, well, most of my colleagues don't know much about my personal life. It depends very much on your workplace, but I can't really think there's any reason to tell any of them about it until much, much later.)
Now: go explore! Not just your sexuality, but the LGBT community and the culture. Look up resources- there are tons of books and websites and articles about female bisexuality. It can be helpful to know that you are not alone.
On your campus, there may be an LGBT center in addition to student groups. I would check out the resources that the center has, and see if the groups are useful. I work on a college campus now, as a 30-something, and I know I would not feel comfortable in the student groups on my campus today; I would find them demoralizing, probably.
But I also know that my small town has a ton of resources for adults. There are a lot of groups, though they might not be easy to find. I find that it's much easier to meet people through a low-key group than through the bar/club/online-dating scene.
There are many straight and gay people who do not understand bisexuality at all. There are many lesbians who do not want to date bisexual women. And there are a lot of straight women who make out with other straight women for laughs. So it's not exactly an easy time. There are also many many more bisexual people out there than you would ever guess. Many of them are in opposite-sex partnerships, and many of them are not in the community.
Your best bet at learning more about yourself is finding more resources now and getting to know more people like you! Congratulations again, and I hope that you find happiness!
posted by aabbbiee at 1:38 PM on April 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
I am a bisexual woman who has had long-term relationships with men and women, and I'm engaged to a man now. I knew I was bisexual before I'd been in a relationship with anyone... I didn't need to have sex to know it. I came out to my family in my own time, when it made sense, and they were still shocked years later when I actually was in a relationship with a woman. And switching back and forth between men and women? Ugh, forget it. I have to come out every time as though each of my last relationships was just a phase in my life. The coming-out never ends, never ever. But, boy, does it get way easier the 300th time you do it!
Tell your close friends. Talk to them about it. Maybe they'll surprise you! Tell your siblings when you feel comfortable. I don't know how close you are with them, but if you're close, they'd probably want to be there for you. It's not just about your sex life, god knows!
For your children, well, I would wait until you're at the point when you feel like you're keeping a secret. Right now, you should try to get more involved in the lesbian subculture, and as you meet people through it, maybe you'll find yourself wanting to talk more about new friends and events to your kids. That's the point when I'd tell them, not when you're already dating someone. And they may be far cooler and ready to handle it than you think. Kids today, you know?
(For your colleagues, well, most of my colleagues don't know much about my personal life. It depends very much on your workplace, but I can't really think there's any reason to tell any of them about it until much, much later.)
Now: go explore! Not just your sexuality, but the LGBT community and the culture. Look up resources- there are tons of books and websites and articles about female bisexuality. It can be helpful to know that you are not alone.
On your campus, there may be an LGBT center in addition to student groups. I would check out the resources that the center has, and see if the groups are useful. I work on a college campus now, as a 30-something, and I know I would not feel comfortable in the student groups on my campus today; I would find them demoralizing, probably.
But I also know that my small town has a ton of resources for adults. There are a lot of groups, though they might not be easy to find. I find that it's much easier to meet people through a low-key group than through the bar/club/online-dating scene.
There are many straight and gay people who do not understand bisexuality at all. There are many lesbians who do not want to date bisexual women. And there are a lot of straight women who make out with other straight women for laughs. So it's not exactly an easy time. There are also many many more bisexual people out there than you would ever guess. Many of them are in opposite-sex partnerships, and many of them are not in the community.
Your best bet at learning more about yourself is finding more resources now and getting to know more people like you! Congratulations again, and I hope that you find happiness!
posted by aabbbiee at 1:38 PM on April 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
Hello! 31, bi, also in Brisbane.
I'd steer clear of the club scene, to be honest. It's very youth oriented and can be a bit cliquey at times. Pub scene is better - apparently there's a very friendly kareoke night at the Sportsman Hotel in Spring Hill every Tuesday night, if that's something you're interested in. My very straight current partner has been there a few times with a queer friend of his and has reported that it's fairly friendly and low key. Haven't been myself (no-one has done anything to deserve listening to me sing) so I can't comment directly but its an option.
You could also try some of the queer oriented social groups. I'd totally suggest you talk to some of the women at OWLS, which is a social club for older queer women, especially ones who are coming out at a later age.
Honestly, as far as prejudice within the queer community regarding bi folk, you're going to bump into it about as much as you do in the straight world. It's important to remember it's not a reflection on your worth, but a reflection on others. Any lady who has decided ahead of time that you're some stereotype isn't worth your time anyway. Just be yourself, as best you can. And really, strange as it is, this is actually not changing who you are. If anything, its just an area of yourself that's always been there, but that you've just never seen before. Like the back of your ears, maybe. Its worthy of examination, but it only needs to become a defining feature of your life as much as you want it to be.
This goes just as strongly for disclosure. There are plenty of folk I'm not out to, purely because my private life isn't relevant to them in any capacity. A lot of my work collegues are unaware that I'm bi, because it's never become important. If you have kids and you wouldn't talk to them about your sex life with a man, then don't tell them about your sex life with a woman. You only need to disclose as much as you want to.
posted by Jilder at 3:27 AM on April 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'd steer clear of the club scene, to be honest. It's very youth oriented and can be a bit cliquey at times. Pub scene is better - apparently there's a very friendly kareoke night at the Sportsman Hotel in Spring Hill every Tuesday night, if that's something you're interested in. My very straight current partner has been there a few times with a queer friend of his and has reported that it's fairly friendly and low key. Haven't been myself (no-one has done anything to deserve listening to me sing) so I can't comment directly but its an option.
You could also try some of the queer oriented social groups. I'd totally suggest you talk to some of the women at OWLS, which is a social club for older queer women, especially ones who are coming out at a later age.
Honestly, as far as prejudice within the queer community regarding bi folk, you're going to bump into it about as much as you do in the straight world. It's important to remember it's not a reflection on your worth, but a reflection on others. Any lady who has decided ahead of time that you're some stereotype isn't worth your time anyway. Just be yourself, as best you can. And really, strange as it is, this is actually not changing who you are. If anything, its just an area of yourself that's always been there, but that you've just never seen before. Like the back of your ears, maybe. Its worthy of examination, but it only needs to become a defining feature of your life as much as you want it to be.
This goes just as strongly for disclosure. There are plenty of folk I'm not out to, purely because my private life isn't relevant to them in any capacity. A lot of my work collegues are unaware that I'm bi, because it's never become important. If you have kids and you wouldn't talk to them about your sex life with a man, then don't tell them about your sex life with a woman. You only need to disclose as much as you want to.
posted by Jilder at 3:27 AM on April 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
why is it so much tied into external influences. What's up with that?
Late to the thread but I want to tackle this bonus question since no one else has. I think it is really down to how we're socialized as women in the developed/Western world: to be decorative, to please people, and to attract people. Not so much to pursue people we're attracted to. (So, obviously, for two women to get together in this context throws a wrench in the whole setup, because SOMEONE has to make the first move. But otherwise I think it's a separate question from your orientation.) I think it's very possible for a lot of women to go through life without ever having to confront this phenomenon, but others get hit upside the head with it. Congrats, you have been hit upside the head. A good therapist would probably think this is an awesome insight and have advice about what to do with it.
posted by clavicle at 9:19 PM on April 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Late to the thread but I want to tackle this bonus question since no one else has. I think it is really down to how we're socialized as women in the developed/Western world: to be decorative, to please people, and to attract people. Not so much to pursue people we're attracted to. (So, obviously, for two women to get together in this context throws a wrench in the whole setup, because SOMEONE has to make the first move. But otherwise I think it's a separate question from your orientation.) I think it's very possible for a lot of women to go through life without ever having to confront this phenomenon, but others get hit upside the head with it. Congrats, you have been hit upside the head. A good therapist would probably think this is an awesome insight and have advice about what to do with it.
posted by clavicle at 9:19 PM on April 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
But, the TV show the L Word has some great sex scenes, and was also just a great show with good storylines about relationships and friendships between women. Could be worth checking out.
posted by Asparagus at 8:14 PM on April 25, 2013 [1 favorite]