Is it a social faux paus if your bra straps fall down and are visible?

December 6, 2015 8:25 PM

Please tell me if I have a legitimate concern or I'm just being silly. I always have an issue with my bra straps falling down in public. Today I had no problems all day and then they fell down when a male friend was over. Will he think this was me making a pass at him?

So yeah, feel free to be as obvious as possible here. My social skills aren't that great. I hung out with the boyfriend of one of my friends for the second time alone today. My bra straps fell down and now I'm worried he'll think I was making a pass with him. I really value their friendship and I'm worried now it will be ruined.

I was sitting in a chair and he on the couch so I don't think I was inappropriately close or anything like that. I was probably visibly uncomfortable almost the whole time because I was worried about the bra straps. I wanted to go to the bathroom to fix them, but didn't because a) They'd just fall down again and it'd be even more awkward and b) my cat was in there and I didn't want to deal with her trying to run out.

In hindsight I could have gone into the bathroom and adjusted the straps but I didn't think of that. Is it poor manners or somehow bad socially not to immediately fix things like that? Or something that comes across as deliberate? Would a man/queer woman see me not fixing it as flirting? Or is this just my anxiety talking? I'm in the USA, if that matters.

posted by Autumn to Human Relations (44 answers total)

Best answer: A) Just pull them back up, it's not that big a deal. B) Get some fashion tape. You can even keep some in your purse in case you don't discover you have a strap problem until you're already out of the house.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:29 PM on December 6, 2015 [14 favorites]

Best answer: I'm a dude who lives in the USA, and no, I would not interpret this as a come-on.
posted by axiom at 8:32 PM on December 6, 2015 [8 favorites]

Best answer: I'm a guy, and I can't tell you how many female friends I've had with visible bra straps, fallen down bra straps, or bra straps they fix right in front of me. Men generally have no idea how to react to it, so just play it cool and either don't give a fuck or fix it without making a big deal out of it.
posted by tmacdonald at 8:32 PM on December 6, 2015 [11 favorites]

Best answer: Not that this is super relevant, but I'm a queer lady. My bra straps fall down constantly. I just fix it if I notice it but often times I don't.
posted by KernalM at 8:32 PM on December 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: If your male friend thinks you're making a pass at him because your strap slips off your shoulder then that's more a problem with his brain and his idea of how flirting works. I mean heaven forbid your pants show your underwear when you sit down and you have to yank them up! What then?

No, this is not "flirting" that is just what clothing does.

Just pull your strap up and be done with it. It's the same as adjusting any other little bit of clothing. It's not like you're pulling out a wedgie. It's your shoulder.

On another level, if you have this problem often you're likely wearing the wrong size or not adjusting the straps properly. This problem can happen when the straps are holding most of the weight but when you sit down it shifts and the straps fall. Most of the support should come from the band, the straps can then be tightened to be snug but aren't giving most of the support, and therefore won't fall down. Check your size here and go through A Bra That Fits. I've also asked questions about bras with tons of great answers. I rarely have straps slipping after getting the right size.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:33 PM on December 6, 2015 [60 favorites]

I think you're okay. I've never heard of a visible bra strap alone being perceived as flirting. I mean, if you deliberately pulled down the bra strap while making eye contact and talking dirty, then sure.

In a casual setting where I feel comfortable, I'll just adjust on the spot. Otherwise I excuse myself to the bathroom.
posted by bunderful at 8:33 PM on December 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

I can't speak for what a man would think, but as a woman I think, "she needs a bra fitting!" A well fitted bra's straps won't fall down.
posted by cecic at 8:34 PM on December 6, 2015 [27 favorites]

It's not a big deal. When they fall down you can just pull them back up in the exact same manner as you would cover your mouth when you cough, no need to hide in the bathroom. It's a normal, everyday, 100% regular thing that happens to humans who wear clothing, and anyone who makes a big deal over it to you is the weird one, not you.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:34 PM on December 6, 2015 [16 favorites]

Best answer: I would be concerned about the person who saw this as flirting, absent some kind of complicated off-the-shoulder-top-drinks-at-the-bar-and-giggling scenario. I mean, I can just envision some kind of Bridget Bardot thing, but that's about it. So no, it's unlikely to be read as flirting.

I think the reasons not to have one's bra straps falling all over the place are that it can look sloppy and that one's more likely to be wearing something drab and practical than something pretty. When I was a mere slip of a person in the late nineties and dressed in a femmier manner, showing one's bra straps was all the go, and I had several very nice bras in attractive colors that I wore with strappy tanks, often in contrasting colors.

You can get little snap/ribbon strips to sew inside the shoulders of your shirts to keep your bra straps from falling - anyone at a fabric supply store should be able to help you with this.
posted by Frowner at 8:35 PM on December 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

Happens all the time. Not flirtatious at all.
Just pull it back up and make a more permanent adjustment when you have a private chance.

FYI on bra adjustments, pulling the center front in a little helps with this. A little stitch and a lot of hassle can disappear.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:43 PM on December 6, 2015

Definitely not a type of flirting. When my bra straps fall down I think of it more as an example of my sloppiness and lack of attention to detail with clothes.

On others it can look good (i.e, those contrasting colours) or similarly sloppy if their bra is the dingy grey mine is. But I'm not judging them, it's more 'huh, so that's what I look like'.

It's not like you're naked but for a towel and then you drop the towel in front of someone and even that would generally be a super awkward accident (or blatant come on) rather than flirting!
posted by kitten magic at 8:45 PM on December 6, 2015

Best answer: I take it for granted these days that women, as a group, don't give a shit whether their bra straps, and sometimes bra-backs, are showing. Someone who habitually has their bra straps down is probably something I would take as being very casual, maybe unguarded, but not flirting.

Unguarded might sound like flirting, but I've got lots of friends who are married women who might not always have their wardrobe together 100% of the time and they know I'm not going to take it the wrong way or give them shit about being less than proper. This ain't Regency England.

You're a woman, and we know you wear a bra. Bra-strap falling out or other visible underwear might be classless or unprofessional (depending on the context), but flirting? Nah.
posted by Sunburnt at 8:46 PM on December 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Most dudes will probably not even notice. Any dude who sees a bra strap fall down (and actually recognizes it as a bra strap) and seriously thinks it's a pass is from outer space.
posted by davejh at 8:46 PM on December 6, 2015 [9 favorites]

I was raised (catholic school) that black bras under white blouses were super trashy. It just made me want to wear one in the hope of getting hit on by cute guys (note: did not work).
posted by kitten magic at 8:47 PM on December 6, 2015 [7 favorites]

Best answer: Not a social faux pas, but yes to fashion faux pas. The bra straps are adjustable for a reason. If they get more stretched out with time, adjust to a tighter length. Bra straps falling out of shirts (and people not fixing them quickly) gives me sort of an "unkempt" feeling of the person. YMMV
posted by CrazyLemonade at 8:48 PM on December 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

It's not flirty, it's sloppy, but it's not a big deal. Happens all the time. It is a function of bra fit, yes, but also of body shape. Heavy breasts + narrow, sloping shoulders = they WILL fall down, no matter what you do, unless you have them fastened together in the back.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:56 PM on December 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

You can get a little plastic do-dad that clips on the back and keeps the straps together so they don't fall down, if it's something that worries you.
posted by Youremyworld at 9:02 PM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

Bah, nobody even cares from a fashion perspective. Yes, it's nice to have a bra that fits well, but no men do not burst into flames if they see a bra strap.

Nobody hits on a guy by making their bra straps fall down.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:04 PM on December 6, 2015 [13 favorites]

Depends on your age. If you're in your teens or early 20s it's forgivable. After 24 it's a fashion crime.

Flirting? Absent any other major flirting signs, it is not flirting.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:05 PM on December 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

Not flirting by itself. But if you're all young and socially anxious and inexperienced and you're already getting a weird pseudo-sexual vibe from him and/or you, then possibly it could make things awkward. But I doubt even then he'd intepret it as flirting. Maybe he'd intepret it as attractive or distracting, but not as deliberate flirting, I don't think.
posted by quincunx at 9:11 PM on December 6, 2015

I have scoliosis and super uneven shoulders, one of which slopes. My bra strap on that side is falling down all the time. I just pull it up again. No apologies. If this is flirting I have flirted with literally everyone I've known since puberty.
posted by town of cats at 9:29 PM on December 6, 2015 [10 favorites]

My high school girlfriend and her friends had a codephrase, "How's your mother?" when their strap(s) showed.
posted by rhizome at 10:03 PM on December 6, 2015

Another guy chiming in here to say I would not notice this under any circumstance. It'd be like seeing someone adjust their ponytail or pull up their socks. If you think he's actually paying attention to you pulling up your socks, then maybe he has a minor issue, but no friendships were ruined today.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:15 PM on December 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I agree with everyone above—there are enough common, legitimate, and innocent reasons for your bra straps to be falling down that a reasonable person would not interpret it as a come-on. So if he does, it’s on him and you’re entirely justified in finding that unreasonable. But I’d fix if if I noticed—as several people said, it comes off looking sloppy and like your bra doesn’t fit (which it probably doesn’t). Which does not mean there’s anything wrong with you in the slightest; it just sounds like it’s not what you want to happen.

As far as the issue of your bra straps falling down in the first place, it’s almost certainly because you may be wearing too large a band size. I’m a pretty small woman and for the longest time (through what-my-mom-bought-for-me and trial and error) I thought I wore a 36, then 34, then 32 band size. I finally got a fitting when I was in my mid-twenties and was told I was a 30. These days I usually wear a 28, largely to fix the strap issue. (I didn’t even know 28s existed before this!) Everything, from cup to gore (the part between the cups) to strap placement is proportioned differently on different size bands, and you may just need a smaller size if you have narrower shoulders. Sometimes they also just slip off if you sit differently or whatever—you’re allowed to be a human who moves and changes! But it’s not a big deal, just push it back, discreetly if you like, and move on.
posted by spelunkingplato at 10:16 PM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

Flirting is not a single thing like showing a bra strap. Even if he thought it might be, he'd try to flirt back, you wouldn't respond, and he'd decide you weren't flirting after all. The guy would have to be kind of socially inexperienced as well to take that as A Sign without any other indications of your interest.
posted by ctmf at 10:19 PM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

Whenever I see a bra strap appear, and, especially when said exposure goes uncorrected, I read it as a subtle come-on.

However, I prefer additional signs before taking irreversible liberties.

However, I'm Irish, libertineful, and thrice divorced, for what it's worth.
posted by lometogo at 10:41 PM on December 6, 2015

Uh... this is like asking if plumber's crack is a come on.

No, it's fine. If he interprets it that way he is an extremely sheltered person.
posted by easter queen at 10:51 PM on December 6, 2015 [8 favorites]

You're pregnant, yes? Your clothing is probably not fitting like it used to. This isn't flirting.

If your bra strap falls down again, fix it then and there. I can't even count how many times I've had to adjust an errant bra strap. As far as I know, it wasn't taken as flirting. Strap goes down arm, strap goes back onto shoulder.
posted by RainyJay at 11:05 PM on December 6, 2015

Go somewhere else to fix your bra strap if you are at a formal party, working at an office where dress code requires hosiery or jackets at all times, your own (black tie) wedding, or actively speaking on camera to an audience and not a video conference. Like any other clothing malfunction where you don't have to remove clothes to fix things, in the vast majority of situations just fix it right there, like straightening a jacket lapel or unbunching a trouser leg. Especially in your own home. Of course if your anxiety makes this unfeasible, excuse yourself, but treat it like an unavoidable and fast fix, like going into the kitchen to wash your hands or putting on house slippers.
posted by Mizu at 12:33 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

My bra straps fell down and now I'm worried he'll think I was making a pass with him

Nope. No more than your shoes coming untied.
posted by zippy at 12:44 AM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

You're overthinking this. It's been a good few years since visible bra straps have become part of certain looks/have become a common sight for all but those of us who can find well fitting, supportive, strapless bras with certain items of clothing that were very popular in recent years. It really isn't an issue. Don't give it another thought. As this isn't part of your look and seems to bother you consider the need for a bra fitting and/or fashion tape to put your mind at rest.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:45 AM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

I doubt most guys would even notice, certainly would not take it as flirting. Women might notice it as sloppy. None of this applies if you are very young and wearing a fashion that involves bra straps showing, then it is just your outfit. Don't worry about it.
posted by mermayd at 4:49 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

As a man, I would notice, but would not read it as flirting or inappropriate. It's just a thing that happens with clothes. It can of course happen in a flirtations setting, but that requires other signals.
posted by Nothing at 5:35 AM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Mostly, I agree with the advice to ignore it.

If you are worried about it in the future, have a little non-flitacious expression of annoyance ready.
posted by SemiSalt at 6:09 AM on December 7, 2015

Also please don't let the comments about you being "sloppy" or "unfashionable" give you further anxiety about your appearance or your social life. It's really not the kind of thing that most people notice or care about, and if you are judged for something like this irl by friends it's a good sign that you don't really need people like that in your life.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:59 AM on December 7, 2015 [18 favorites]

Guy here, I don't see it as flirting. In fact, I've never seen it as something that women can easily control, so it seems weird to think of something involuntary as a come-on.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:05 AM on December 7, 2015

Definitely not flirting. This happens to me occasionally, and I just fix it on the spot. Agreed that if it's happening to you constantly, it may be a good idea to go to Victoria's Secret or a department store and get properly fitted.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:25 AM on December 7, 2015

I grew up at a time when it was an absolute screaming no-no to even glimpse a hint of strap - but for absolutely no discernible reason and certainly not because it was flirting. It was just Not A Nice Thing. Weird, I know. As koahiatamadl said above, nowadays bras seem designed to be visible as part of certain styles, so you have little spaghetti straps and pretty colours deliberately on show. I wouldn't be concerned, as those who know you will know what you're really like and that you didn't mean anything untoward.

It actually sounds to me more like you're worried about something to do with your relationship with your friends and the bra strap issue was acting as an alternative point of focus for you.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 8:54 AM on December 7, 2015

Nthing that it's not a faux pas, and you can get straps like this one that fit around the back of the two straps and keep them from falling down.
posted by telophase at 9:29 AM on December 7, 2015

Wardrobe malfunctions != flirting. You're fine.
posted by flabdablet at 10:06 AM on December 7, 2015

You are indeed being silly.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:19 AM on December 7, 2015

Best answer: Just look away from the person when you are fixing the strap and you'll be fine. There are ways you could conceivably attempt to flirt while fixing a bra strap, but they would involve looking at the person while you were doing it.

I know bras are expensive, and not everyone can rush out and buy a few new ones that fit as they would like. If you know how to hand sew you can move where the straps attach on the back to closer to the center, it will help.
posted by yohko at 10:38 AM on December 7, 2015

Best answer: Not flirting. Also, my straps stopped falling down when I went up a cup size, with no adjustment to the band size, for another datapoint regarding fit.
posted by mchorn at 12:36 PM on December 7, 2015

As a non-bra wearer, I figure bra straps fall down sometimes and it doesn't have anything to do with me.
posted by Area Man at 1:14 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]